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Authentic gay conversations on personal development, life coaching, and mental health. Join Keegan Hirst, founder of Gay Man's Coaching and former professional rugby player, for weekly real talk about gay lifestyle, coming out, relationships, business, and authentic living. Deep, honest conversations that help gay men build confidence, find community, and create vibrant, unapologetic lives.
00:00
Hello and welcome to the gay man's coaching podcast. Yes, it is our second episode of this after we've tweaked things. um Welcome, welcome. This podcast is for men who want to build a life that they are proud of across every area, work, relationships, self-talk, physique, mindset, confidence, everything. uh And this particular episode, we are going to be talking about direction.
00:30
over goals, how goals create pressure and anxiety. And we don't need that in the new year. None of us need that. And so we're going to work into that through the, through the course of this episode. I want to give you some takeaways, some things that you can action that are going to help you. Just a quick update as well for GMC members and anyone who's listening, who's curious how we work. We've got lots of in-person events coming up this year. We've got two in March.
00:59
one in Leeds are GMC games and at the end of March we've got our Edinburgh event it's a four-day event up in Edinburgh tickets for that are still available there are obviously there are tickets for members there are uh three spots left for non-GMC members uh and we do have a special hotel room rate where everything's happening that ends for everybody at the end of January so if you book your hotel outside of
01:28
January after the end of 31st of January, you will not get the special room rate. So if you are planning on coming to GMC Edinburgh, please make sure that you get your ticket and your room booked before then. And then on Tuesday this week, we have got a really good workshop, if I do say so myself, and it is about meal planning and meal prep and how to go from putting that together, what that's gonna look like.
01:58
shopping and then executing and even storage. It's a foolproof guide and I've integrated AI as well because why do all the thinking and logistical stuff when you can get AI to do it for you? So all the prompts in there are in there. That is tomorrow, Tuesday at 7 p.m. But I want to get into what I wanted to talk about in this episode.
02:25
It's the new year, you know, we are not even halfway through January yet and there is a pressure to reinvent ourselves. New year, new me. And we are fed this narrative that if I don't change everything, I'm failing. That I have to have big goals about changing my health routine, my work routine, my relationships, my friendships, how much I travel, how much downtime I have to change, literally every aspect of life.
02:55
That doesn't add anything. There's just a big cost. It causes anxiety because we feel like we're not where we should be and we find ourselves stuck in a mode of, I'm not doing enough. That we compare ourselves to other people, whether that's on social media, whether that's friends and family, colleagues, people talking about their new routines, their new this, their new fad that they've started, and makes us feel as behind, which can lead to paralysis.
03:23
We don't do anything because we feel like there's so much to change that it becomes overwhelming and it becomes too much. And then we get into these all or nothing cycles. I'm gonna change everything, I'm gonna do everything, I'm gonna get up at five a.m., I'm gonna have this breakfast, I'm gonna do this morning routine, I'm gonna read these books, I'm gonna work out, gonna speak to this person, I'm gonna do, do, do, do, do, We do it for a week and then it falls off and then we feel like crap. And I have done this myself over the years and I see this year in, year out.
03:52
I've actually spoke to somebody who joined GMC this last week and he said every January for the last 12 years I've started something new and I was like wow you know the emotional roller coaster of the start and the excitement and then it not working or working a little bit and then fading off and then going back around and then the feeling of failure it's exhausting and this is what we have been sold.
04:19
all the time new year new me if you don't change everything you're a piece of shit and and it's it's a load of crap it's a load of crap and a big part of this is goals and we at gmc for the guys who came to the massive action day in manchester at the end of the year for people for everybody who came to the virtual kickoff on the third of january we're not talking about goals
04:47
We're not talking about goals because goals create tension. As soon as you set a goal, go, Oh, am I doing enough to be working towards it? What if I don't hit it? What will that mean? And often when people set goals, they're not actually working towards, they don't actually want the outcome. It's what the outcome gives them. It might give them a sense of validation. It might please somebody, probably another person. Or ah it's there to rewrite a story. You know, people get in shape.
05:17
might have been told their whole life that they're lazy, they're fat, they're whatever it might be and they feel that if they achieve X amount of body fat, earn X amount of money, whatever it might be, it recreates a narrative. So goals just create a lot of pressure, they create a lot of tension and goals ask the question, am I there yet? And that indicates that, am I there yet? That means there's something there, there's a reward, what's going on. When we talk about
05:46
moving in a direction, the question is more open, it's less pressurized, it's am I moving the right way? Is this growing me? And I think that last question is a great filter to use. And the thing with goals is they often turn into a life, they turn people's lives into
06:15
reviews you did this well you didn't do this well it's very black and white people often especially when we're reviewing ourselves we're very harsh critics and so it's you should have done this should should should should should don't should on yourself and people then review it becomes work and whenever anything becomes work even something that you love you don't love it anymore it's just the nature of the beast
06:43
disconnects people from what they actually want because you get so focused on a goal that you often it's like if I was to say to you go look for red in the room wherever you're listening to this look for red right you do it now you look for red you might find a few bits you did it but how much blue did you see how much green did you see
07:11
You didn't because you were looking for red and so goals create blind spots. creates we hyper focus on something and often at the expense of other things. This is why so many times I hear people say, I went all in on my career and I focused on that and everything went by the wayside. And that's because you get hyper focused on one thing and so your standard slip in another. And goals often make people feel behind before they've even begun.
07:37
because it's like, this is where I am, I'm in this place and I want to get to that place which is far away. And so you're already putting yourself on the back foot. It's already an uphill climb. And this is exactly why we set things up as we do in GMC. And don't get me wrong, sometimes, obviously sometimes we do set goals, but a big shift, certainly for me and the coaching team over the last...
08:06
you know, 12 months and certainly going into 2026 is about focusing on direction rather than goals, goals and milestones. And that's exactly how we work in GMC. We're not chasing perfection. We've never asked the client to be perfect. We've never asked them to make sweeping changes. We just look at what's repeated. We look at what is moving them towards the person that they say they want to be. Because there is no end point.
08:36
You know, that kind of short-term thinking with goals is that there is an end point and then after that, it just stays there and that's it, it's done, it's ticked off. And we are all playing this infinite game, we're all going until we're dead, right? And you know, a couple of mentions from clients this week, big shout out to Nathan Fowler, who started dating someone, didn't align with his boundaries. Just rather than saying, do you know what, I'm gonna...
09:04
abandon myself, I'm going to disrespect myself, I'm gonna... He stuck to his guns and he just said sorry this isn't for me. That is a huge self-worth shift and that doesn't come from a know a big goal of I want to be more I want to be X amount have X amount of self-worth because you can't measure that but you can be I want to be a person who values themselves who looks after themselves who respects themselves that's direction that's not a goal that is from
09:33
repeated decisions. You know also big shout out to Richard Travis, Ross Hamilton, Tyler Murphy all this week posting fantastic posts in the hub about not being perfect and again moving away from that all or nothing and that's the direction it's not a I don't want to be all or nothing because there there is no that it's never going to happen.
10:00
is never gonna happen where we don't have those moments, because we're human beings and we're nuanced and there's patterns and there's so much going on, nothing exists in isolation. But to have the direction of I want to be a person who is less, who focuses less on perfection. I think that is an incredible direction and a wonderful motivation to move and to take action, rather than I need a specific goal of lose this way, lose that, like, you know.
10:29
I want to be a healthier person. I want to be a more active person. want to be, and again, those things tie in with identity shifts rather than I'm a person who goes on a diet, I want to lose five kilos, to I want to be a healthier person. Which person is more likely to keep that weight off? Which person is more likely to maintain their progress? It's very subtle, but it's a very powerful shift. So to do that this year,
10:57
rather than using the filter of should I do this I want you to get rid of that because that is very you can sit and argue about whether you should or shouldn't do something there's always pros and cons I want you to use the filter of will this grow me not should I do this not is this optimum not will this impress someone because growth is about is about you you know and and you can apply that to anything
11:26
you can apply it to training, meeting new people, going for something at work, and there will be easy things that will grow you and there will be difficult things that will grow you. But that's certainly gonna be the filter that I use for the decisions that I make in GMC, the decisions that I make personally, the decisions that I make professionally, the decisions that I make in and around my leisure and who I hang around with and what I do with my time, is will this grow me? You know, is, is...
11:55
going to such an event gonna grow me is having this difficult conversation gonna grow me and if the answer is yes go for it do it don't put it off don't sit and wait don't hang about take action and and what you get with that is it allows you to be consistent in your decision making and we all know that consistency is what leads to growth it means that we're gonna end things that cost self-respect or our own integrity with ourselves
12:24
And it's also so many of us are guilty of this in now what 2026 with social media and shorter attention spans we get distracted we get shiny object syndrome we want to move from one thing to another fad after fad after fad and this filter helps us choose reflection over distraction rather than just moving on to the next thing like we do with goals we sit and we go will this grow me?
12:52
That is an introspective question. And I just think that's so important. We have been, this is something that I've been talking about inside GMC over the last couple of weeks since we started the year. I think.
13:17
A big part of this lie that's told us in the New Year, New Me, all this kind of stuff is that we need to change everything. And for the vast majority of us, we don't, right? Most of our life is okay. We don't need a new personality. We don't need to want more. We don't need to choose somebody else's version of success. For most of us, not everybody, but for most of us, most of our life is like we like it, whether that's our friends, whether that's our family, whether that's our relationship, whether that's our job, whether that's our...
13:45
physique there might be things that we'd generally like you know like to improve a little bit but for the vast majority of us our life is not in a complete shit state and so it's about what doesn't need to change what do I need to be consistent with what do I need to bring over from last year and then what are the small areas that I do need to change you know whether and that is usually two to three obvious behaviors and it's things that we've
14:14
Usually already know and it's things that we've quietly avoided, you know, we just downplay it we downplay the importance of it Like for example Liam Cox Big shout out to you mate who has been digging into journaling this week and in the new year Something that he's been avoiding ego. That's one area of his life that he can get better on is his self-reflection his talk self-talk and journaling is gonna help with that same with wire digging into
14:44
the community resources, the group, his peers asking for things. Because not doing something perfectly is not the problem. It's avoiding something entirely. That is what, and this is the thing that I talk to clients about so much is generally we know what we need to do. We get in our own way though. And that is our job as coaches is to get people out of their own way. So.
15:13
You know, really is what direction is about is about rather than motivation, it's choosing differently. Will this grow me? Will this move me towards where I want to be? So if we're looking for action points and things to take away with this, number one is the level of awareness. What am I avoiding? What do I know that is going to benefit me? What feels?
15:42
obligation versus something that I want to do what feels heavy and you know soul-sucking versus something that it feels expansive and opening and challenging. Use the filter you number two is use that filter that I spoke about will this grow me before you make a decision this week give yourself the grace to say will this grow me you know whether it's ordering the pizza whether it's going out whether it's texting an ex oh
16:10
whether it whatever it is, will this grow me? Someone offers you an opportunity at work and it's a know an opportunity to get in front of lot of people and share something that you've not done before. Is that going to grow you? Yes, probably. If someone asks you to do a job that no one's going to notice, no one's going to thank you for and is a big drain on your time, is that going to grow you? The answer is no. And it becomes self-explanatory. And then my last action point for you for this week is
16:41
let good enough be enough. Let that count. Don't let done, don't let perfect be the enemy of done, sorry. So, you know, I think going into this year, don't think about goals, think about direction. Use that filter, have a level of awareness, give yourself some grace, give yourself permission to not be perfect. And you know.
17:09
Do what our GMC members are doing, getting stuck in, coming to events, asking for help. You know, don't have to do with GMC, but you know, you've got people in and around you and if you don't pay to get in, pay to get that. It's the quickest way to shortcut your success. As I said, quick reminder for our members on Tuesday, we've got that workshop on meal planning and prep. uh Go check out the in-person events in the hub.
17:38
for the Edinburgh event. If you are a non-GMC member and you are interested in coming to Edinburgh, just email me uh support at gmanscoaching.com. uh All the emails are below and uh I'll give you the information. There's only three spots left. you know, I'm really excited for the workshop on Tuesday because it's going to remove friction, it's going to simplify life and it's going to support that direction.
18:08
It's not about perfection, it's just about moving forward in a positive way. And you guys in GMC know this, if you're not in GMC, this is the kind of practical work that we do week in, week out. So just a reminder, you do not need to change everything, you just need to be moving in the right direction. There is no race, there is no end point, we are playing the infinite game. So let me know what your thoughts are, if you've enjoyed it, I'd love to hear.
18:37
I always enjoy getting feedback on these. If you've got any questions, please shoot them over. uh But guys, as always, look after yourself, stay safe, and don't eat and drink and behave at the expense of how you want to look and feel. And I'll see you next week.