Regina's Question

A new clue, and it doesn't involve Colonel Mustard, a blue piñata, and ten gallons of olive oil. It does, however, help connect the dots to the murder weapon and the potential owner of the potential weapon. Or a definite weapon. We all know it's a cod piece. A fish finger. A piece of fish with crumbs all over them. We just don't know which sick son of a gun is doing it. 

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Nine, Regina's Question)

THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 9:20. We were back at the precinct following the discovery of the
body of Red Tinkles, Urologist to the Stars. We found the breakthrough that had been eluding
us in the Cod Piece Murders. Petra had stumbled across a fish finger packet.

MENACING CHORD.

But not just any fish finger packet.

It was Piere's!

ACCORDION PLAYING A FRENCH SOUNDING TUNE.

A master chef who creates some of the best gourmet treats in
the city. After having one of Piere's fingers you’ll never be able to look
at anyone else's in quite the same way.

ACCORDION FADING AND A MAD FRENCH "OH HO HO HEAU!"

DICK: Petra, get this down to the lab. We need it checked for fingerprints,
DNA and nutritional content.

PETRA: Yes detective.

DICK: And Petra...

PETRA: Yes Sir?

DICK: That was good work.

PETRA: Thank you.

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING. JAZZ HORN UP.

DICK: Of all the people, why Red? I could understand Larry the Lemming and
even some of the other less favourable and grim folks, but why such a
prominent urologist? Had the killer become bolder? Was it a copycat
murder? Was it just a passing fad? Was someone pissed at the urologist?
I couldn’t think of a single theory that worked. They just didn’t hold water.

I started to look through his diary but didn't have to look far.

As it was on my desk.

SMALL CAR HOOTER.

Come in.

DOOR OPENING.

HICKORY: Detective Clever?

DICK: Captain Hickory, please call me Dick.

HICKORY: I believe that you have had a breakthrough on the Cod Piece
Murders.

DICK: I wouldn't quite call it a breakthrough.

HICKORY: What would you call it?

DICK: Perhaps it doesn’t need a label.

HICKORY: Detective, I’m going to meet with the press in five minutes
about the Red Tinkles, what can you give me?

DICK: How did the press get hold of this? And please, call me Dick.

HICKORY: There's been a leak.

DICK: How about you say, "We’re close to a breakthrough on the Cod Piece
Murders and hope to have our hands on the culprit".

HICKORY: That'll do, detective.

DICK: And please call me Dick.

DOOR SLAMS.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

As I read through Red's diary I was moved by the thoughts of such a
man. The accolades he received as a great leader in his medical field,
his fight with alcohol and the depths of his sadness over his high
school crush, Miss Erlington, his art teacher. But there on the day
before his death, one name stood out like an Elvis impersonator in a
monastery.

MENACING CHORD.

Regina's. That mountain of a woman whose heart was as big as a
camel’s, was there not 24 hours before Red had been killed. I
gathered Petra and went over to Regina's to see if she'd squeal.

REGINA: (SQUEALING) Oh no, please stop it, please, stop it!

DICK: Not until you talk.

REGINA: No, I’ll, I'll never.

DICK: Petra, hand me that feather duster and remove Regina's shoes.

REGINA: Noooo!!!!

PETRA: Okay, here is the feather duster and well.... urgh

REGINA: (LAUGHS)

HUGE BOOT HITTING THE FLOOR.

DICK: I'm serious Regina.

REGINA: Oh, no, stop it.

DICK: You going to talk?

REGINA: All right then. I'll talk.

PETRA: Why were you there, at Red Tinkles?

REGINA: I had a problem.

DICK: What kind of problem?

REGINA: Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

DICK: So you were seeing him professionally?

REGINA: No I wasn’t... oh I see what you mean, he being the professional in
this situation.

DICK: And?

REGINA: Shall we say I had a wee little problem.

DICK: And he fixed it?

REGINA: I'm as reliable as the Britannia!

2 BARS OF RULE BRITTANIA.

DICK: And just as big.

REGINA: And beautiful. I mean if you'd have tickled me two months ago I
would’ve been like Old Faithful on Show Day.

DICK: Where were you last night and this morning?

REGINA: Here. Why?

DICK: Can you prove it?

REGINA: Can you prove I wasn't?

THEME PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: She had me there. Not with the answers, but because she was sitting
on my leg. I didn't think she was the type, but she wasn't letting
on to half of what she knew.

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones