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The Riverbend Awareness Project brings you a new conversation each month about important causes and issues in our community. Every month of 2024 we will sit down and have a conversation with a professional from our community about significant issues like heart health, Alzheimer’s, literacy, and more. We’ll then share that conversation with you on the Riverbend Awareness Project Podcast, with the goal of sharing resources, and information that will help you have a better understanding of the particular problems, and solutions, associated with each topic.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast episode are solely those of the individuals participating and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Riverbend Media Group or the Riverbend Awareness Project, its affiliates, or its employees. It is important to note that the discussion presented is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice. Listeners are encouraged to consult with qualified health care professionals for any medical concerns or decisions. The Riverbend Awareness Project is a product of Riverbend Media Group.
Melissa: Hey, this is Melissa.
Maddie: And this is Maddie.
Melissa: Welcome to the Riverbend Awareness Project. And today, we have Sydnee in studio with us, and she's going to talk to us about domestic violence.
Sydnee: Hi, My name is Sydnee. So two years ago, I was a victim of domestic violence. It started when I was in 1st grade. I met him in 1st grade. So we grew up together.
And when we were younger, he was just a sweet little boy that walked me to the crosswalk. He was just my friend. And then as we got older, we liked each other. We had our little dating thing, you know, cute little kids. And then he started getting into drugs really bad.
And I didn't know the full extent of what he was doing until we got a lot older. But he started getting into drugs, and so he would go in and out. And around that time, that's when he started to get... and I didn't notice it because it was just normal. It was just how he was. He'd be nice to me, and then I wouldn't see him again.
And then he loved me, and then he didn't know who I was to the people. It was it was a lot of ups and downs, and it went on like that for a lot of years. So in 7th grade is when it got... the first time he hit me. We were walking through the hallways in middle school, and I remember he pushed one of my friends into, like, a locker or something. He pushed him into something.
And I got mad at him. I'm like, what are you doing, dude? Why would you do that? And we're walking. He hits me in the stomach, and the wind gets knocked out of me.
And so I'm... he left, and I just kept walking past, and I passed out in the hallway. And even then, like, when my friends were like, Sydnee, like, you need to tell. You need to the teachers were like, we're taking you down to the resource officer, and you need to tell what, like, what happened. I couldn't turn him in. It just wasn't... I'm like, 'he didn't mean to. He was just mad." I knew I knew then that I wasn't supposed to approach him that way. I knew then... I wasn't supposed to, and so it was my fault that I got hit. And it continued until 2022. October 22 is when he got arrested, and that's when I officially left.
So because of all of this, when I left, I got so much help from the Bingham Crisis Center, the police department, the sheriff's department. He made a lot of threats. He was very malicious, and the police department sent extra patrol around our house, because I didn't feel safe. So all of the help that I got, I wanna put this ball together. That's what we're doing is we're trying to raise money so that I can say thank you to these people that did so much for me when it was it was really, really bad.
So that's what I wanna talk about today.
Maddie: That's an incredible story of perseverance, and we're so glad to have you here today. Very excited to hear from you and hear your story, and your strength is very admirable. And being able to use your experiences to help others and give back to those who gave so much to you, I think is incredible. And I'm sure that your story and you coming even especially you coming on here and sharing your story will help many people who may be in the same situation and give them resources to be able to find a way out as well, because I personally know how hard it is. So...
Sydnee: It is. It's, like, one of the one of the questions you guys asked me is you asked, like, the early signs. And the problem with domestic violence is you don't know you're in it until you're in it. They don't come out with these big red signs saying, hey. I'm gonna do this to you.
And in 6 months after I've connected with you emotionally in in all these ways, I'm I'm gonna hurt you. There's no really signs for that. And then, I mean, there is, like, little stuff you notice. Like, you notice, like, the controlling. You notice the... you're not allowed to go anywhere.
They start to isolate you. There is stuff, but there's so much before that starts happening. So you already have the attachment, and that's why you start to excuse the little stuff. And that's something that just people don't understand because there's a lot of, 'well, you can leave that situation. All she has to do is leave.'
Like, all all they have to do is leave. They don't need to be like... they can leave that relationship. But there's financial reasons. There's threats. There's kids.
There's, there's so many reasons that you can't just leave.
Melissa: You kinda already talked about, like, early signs and or red flags. So I don't know if... I don't know if I should ask more of that question. Or...
Sydnee: I mean, I can go over some of them that, like, really are red flags.
Melissa: Sure. I guess. Sorry. Yeah.
Sydnee: Yeah. No. You're good. If you, if you have somebody and they are starting to take you away from your friends, you'll notice it's really slow. Like, for example, he used to tell me, like, how my friends would tell him bad stuff about me. Like, oh, well, she said this about you.
Like, when you're gone, she said... she tells me all the stuff that you did. And I'm like, okay. Well, I don't I don't know what I did, but okay. And then he would put us in situations where they wouldn't wanna be around. And then when they wouldn't come around because he was just so horrible, nobody liked to be around him.
But then that fueled that because he could be like, 'see, they didn't show up for you. I told you I'm the only one that's here for you.' And so you start to get that isolation, and it's really weird because the like, everyone I've talked to, my experience is so similar to theirs because it's a pattern. It's the exact same thing. I swear they get a handbook.
They find they find a handbook and they do this copying. It's so it's so so weird. And there's even people, like, on social media that make, they're kind of funny. Like, they're they're not funny, but they're kind of funny, about, like, narcissistic abuse and, like, well, this happened. And every single one of them, it's like the same thing.
You're like, they said that same thing to me. And so it's really it's really, really sad because they tell you how special they are and how unspecial you are, but there's nothing special. It's the same thing with all of them.
Maddie: How long were you guys together for?
Sydnee: Man, I don't know. It depends on the day because sometimes he'd say that we were together since 1st grade, and sometimes he didn't know me until a couple years ago. It really depend it depends. But I've I've known him since 1st grade.
Melissa: That's a long time.
Sydnee: Yeah. We've been doing the same thing since forever.
Melissa: What were some of the most challenging moments you faced during this period?
Sydnee: As terrible as he was, he was just as good. So it was really, really confusing to separate, like, the bad stuff from the good stuff because he would yell at me and and, you know, do all the stuff that he would do, but then he would be just as nice. And he would put my shoes on for me and, like, just do all of this nice stuff.
So it was really, really hard to separate, like, okay. No. He is mean to me. Like, he is and it just goes along into, like, the gaslighting and the manipulation and everything that they do because you're so confused that you don't you don't know what's going on. So while they're telling you, like, yeah.
I hit you. But the reason that I hit you is because you know that you're supposed to put my laundry on the bathroom sink. Like, you know that you're supposed to do that. So it's your fault that I got mad and hit you. And there's just so much manipulation that goes into it that it was really, really, really hard for me to distinct.
Like, okay. Yes. This happened. Like, when I first, when I first left, they gave you, my therapist gave me a list at the Bingham Crisis Center. She's like, so this is your task.
I want you to pick one thing that you would fight with him about. Like, you know for a fact he cannot convince you that it didn't happen. Or no. Five things. That's what it was.
I was supposed to get 5 things that I could 100% argue about because you would just get so tired about you're like, 'yeah. You're right. That's what happened. I I did that. Uh-huh.
I just don't wanna fight with you.' So it would almost convince you that, yeah, you were the problem. So she's like, list 5 things. And that first day, I could only think of 1. And it was like that for months.
I couldn't figure out what was my fault and what he really did and what it... was so confusing for a really long time. And even now, like, I'm 2 years past it... if I've really... because they train your brain to do that. It's like when you go to the gym and you train yourself to go. It's they train your brain to do that. So if I just sit there and I'm not, like, making myself think positively and making myself think that, no, I am really not that terrible and it's not my fault, then I'll go back to it.
And I can convince myself again that it is my fault. And it's just, it's just what my brain does, and I get it's just how it is. But for the most part now, I've learned tools and and things like that. Like, she taught me, you're supposed to make up an image in your head and you stop your brain and you describe, I describe an elephant. I like elephants.
So I I yeah. I describe the elephant. It's like a trick so that you can control your thoughts and then go back and start thinking about other stuff because it gets really, like, on repeat. Like, everything that they say to you, it will go through your head.
Maddie: I can't imagine how disorienting it is in just, like, the perpetuating cycles. I think the fact that, you had somebody who could give you the tools to be able to manage that is incredible. I know a lot of people don't have those tools. So with this repeated cycle of love bombing and manipulating and gaslighting and all that stuff, how did this cycle affect your mental and emotional health? And Even physical. Excuse me. Or even physical.
Sydnee: Honestly, it it affected every aspect of my life. Everything that happened with it, it there isn't anything it didn't affect. I had night terrors for a really long time. The first time that I left my house after he got arrested and went away and stuff, I was with my parents and or no.
It wasn't. It was my dad and his friends, and we were going to a haunted house. And it's probably not... the way to be scared, but I was going with my dad, and it was just that one in Twin Falls that the little kids put on.
Maddie: Aww, So That's sweet. Yeah.
Sydnee: It it wasn't sweet. They did pretty good. It was pretty scary. Yeah. But they did pretty good.
But I remember going and we're driving to Twin Falls, and I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, and I was crying. And my stepmom was like, 'oh my gosh. What is wrong?' And I'm like, it it was my first time he didn't know where I was. Like, he didn't know I left the house without him knowing, and I've I had a panic attack. So it and just it affected everything. It was it was fun. And then, like, work, I was really scared.
I he knew where I worked, like, when he left, so I quit my job and I found a new one that he didn't know where I was working. So I changed a lot of things because I just changed my phone number, everything, so it affected.
Melissa: You talked about, like, the strategy of picturing something else to kind of...
Maddie: The elephant.
Melissa: The elephant to redirect your thoughts. Were there other, coping strategies that helped you either during or after, the abuse?
Sydnee: During the abuse, I did not use the best coping mechanisms. I was drinking a lot, and I was doing a lot of negative stuff afterwards just because and, well, now I know it's because I really just I had no self-esteem. It was just the easiest way to deal with everything, and then it got to a point where, like, the stuff that I was doing, it affected somebody else. When it was just hurting me, it wasn't an issue. But when it affected somebody else, it made me realize that, like, the cycle of abuse because I was hurting, I hurt somebody else and so I had to stop.
And I I started going to the and, like, actually doing what my therapist said. Like, I mean, she would tell me to do stuff and I didn't do it.
Maddie: That's half the battle.
Sydnee: Yeah. Yeah. So I actually, like, started doing the exercises. I started going to the gym. I started, I talked to Jesus a lot. I'm real, real into Jesus. And that's helped.
That's been, like, the most help if I'm gonna be honest. And then I just I have great friends. I have a great support system. I have, like, all the people that are helping me with the ball. It's just it's awesome, honestly.
Maddie: This is going off a little bit off the paper.
Sydnee; No, You're good. You're good.
Maddie: How much did your, like, family know, and how much did, like..
Sydnee: They didn't know anything.
Maddie: Really?
Sydnee: So they didn't know anything. I think my little my little brother knew more stuff, but I that was that was just part of it. I was lying to everybody. As long as he was in my life, it I didn't really care about anything else, even myself.
And that sounds like super that sounds kind of like super selfish, but, like, I just I didn't even care about myself. It was all about making sure he wasn't upset with me. Or
Melissa: That's... that's not selfish. No. It sounds like he manipulated you so much that, like you said, yourself.
He stomped on yourself esteem, that's terrible.
Maddie: Yeah. Especially with the dynamic you had. He didn't leave much for you. I don't blame you at all whatsoever, and I'm glad that you were able to break the cycle. That's something that I've seen a lot is people unable to break the cycle.
Sydnee: Yeah, Well, the national statistic is, like, you it takes 7 times before they will leave, and that's just on average that they'll go back 7 times before they're officially done. It's... I wish you could just... I wish I could project my thoughts onto a screen because the way that they do it, it's so subtle. Like, I was I was talking to Shelby this morning. It's so subtle. You don't notice it.
It's something, like, really, really small. Like, they just make a little comment about how they maybe they don't like your hair that day. And yeah. It's just something and then something else a little bit smaller. And then you're like, okay.
Well, alright. And then you try and do something. And then they don't appreciate it. They don't notice it, and they still complain. And it just gets and it builds and builds and builds.
And it's almost seriously like going to the gym until they can get to the point where it's okay to hit you. And you're just like, well, it's my fault because I knew that it was supposed to I was supposed to do this. So I don't know if that answered the question or if it went on a tangent.
Maddie: No. You are good. Any information at all is very much so appreciated. So your little brother, he knew a little bit. Is it after you left your situation of abuse where the rest of your family kind of was in the know and your friends?
Sydnee: Yeah. So everybody found out because we got the day I decided to leave, we got in a fight that morning.
And I we were living at my mom's house. So he threw my key. We got in this huge fight. It was so dramatic.
Maddie: Drama
Sydnee: I know it was so dramatic. I went into the house and I'm like, mom, I want all of this stuff. Like, go now. Get out.
Like, I'm done. And then I went and seen one of my friends. She was working at a bar in Shelley, so I went and seen her. And I was bawling, and I was being dramatic, and it was it was a really bad day. It was a really, really bad day.
And she's like, Sydnee, I I haven't wanted to say anything because I just I know. I haven't wanted to say anything, but she's like, is he hitting you? And I'm like, no. I was crying. I was
Maddie: Like, when someone asks if you're okay and you're like, yeah, and just tears.
Sydnee: Yeah. I was I was trying to lie still. And she's like, Sydnee Seriously, dude. Because she's like, I've watched him.
Like, how he is, how he talks to you. It's I I don't like it. Like, it's weird. Is he hitting you? And I I started crying, and then I I had pictures and stuff on my phone, and I still had bruises on my arms because he'd grabbed me.
Like, it was it was a month before that bruise went away, but he it was rough. So we're at the bar, and he's driving back and forth. He found he's he had my phone. He had 360 on my phone. And... there was he had a whole bunch of stuff on my phone.
But so he's driving around because I was there. And my friend's like, you're not going? Like, no. And I'm like, dude, like, let me just go talk to him. Like, just he'll leave.
Like, please, like, he's just I he's I don't want him to get in trouble. Like, he's and she's like, Sydnee, no. Like, you're not going. You're not going. Well, then she called my mom, and that's how my mom found out was my friend called my mom.
And so they I'm coming home and my mom's like, I swear to gosh, Graciela, if you do not call your dad and tell him, I will call your dad and tell him. So then that's how the whole family found out. And then the cops came, and it was a it was a really good time.
Maddie Yay. Just kidding.
Sydnee: Yeah. It was it was enjoyable for everybody.
Melissa: You kinda talked about, like, that support, that friend, like, being willing to ask you a hard question and then her reaching out to your mom and then your family kind of rallying. Were there other types of support that family and friends, provided that was super helpful?
Sydnee: Yeah. Everything. My family was there for all of it. After I reported, I they can't arrest them anymore. So if you report domestic violence since 2020, unless the police officer see it, they can't arrest them, is what we were told when I filed. I don't know the law, like, strictly, but that's what we were told when I filed.
So then they call you and they ask if you wanna press charges personally or if they want the state or if you want the state to pursue it. I said I wanted the state to pursue it because if you press charges, you have to do all the proof. And I'm like, I just I really just want him gone as long as he's gone. And through all of that, my family was my family was there for all of it, and the police helped with all of it. The Bingham Crisis Center, they help you fill out the restraining orders.
They help with lawyer fees if that ends up being a need. Same with the victim's assistance program.
Melissa: So there's lots of, there's lots of resources. There's a lot.
Sydnee: I actually have a list for the for that question. Actually.
Maddie: Are all of these resources, like, based in Idaho Falls and, like, East Idaho area?
Sydnee: Yeah. So, Bingham Crisis Center is in Blackfoot. The VAP program is in Fort Hall. And then we have a list of more. There's a new one that's opening up. They're they wanna be a home, like, to shelter people, and so that's gonna be awesome.
Maddie: Did he often put on, like, a perfect face or an act in, like, in front of your friends and family or just, like, general public?
Sydnee: He thinks he did.
Maddie: What?
Sydnee: He thinks he did. I don't I don't know. That's a that's my that's my answer, but he definitely acted different. He definitely acted different. But most people just kind of knew. But it was different because he was always getting in trouble. It wasn't.
That's true. Yeah. I'm like, I was very, very blinded by love. It's for sure. It happens. It happens.
Melissa: That statistic that you brought up, the it takes 7,
Sydnee: 7 times to leave?
Melissa: To leave. That's really sad. That makes me so sad. Yeah. And so what advice would you, like, share with someone who's facing that situation and hope or encouragement to give them to be like, you can leave before. Doesn't have to be 7 times. Like, get out.
Sydnee: I, I'm gonna be totally honest with you. I will never give that advice. I think
Melissa: That's okay.
Sydnee: I think because here's the thing is if you push somebody to leave, it just makes them wanna stay more because they're like, 'no, how can you not see what I see in him? He's so...whatever.'
And it just makes him stay more. So I think as long as you just find the self love, just find the self respect, and as long as you get out, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter if you go back 16 times because until you're ready to go back, you're gonna go back another 16 times. Because there's not really, like, I mean, I always encourage.. like, I mean, yeah, go. Like, get out.
It's it doesn't change. It really doesn't. But if you go back, it's okay. Like, it's not okay, but I understand it. Like, it's
Maddie: It's not your fault.
Melissa: It's not your fault. That sorry if That came across that way.
Sydnee: No. No.
No. And it's me. No. But, like But it's just Yeah. And it it's it's seriously something that you don't understand until you go through it because before.. and this is it's crazy because he hit me in 7th grade, but I didn't count it as him hitting me.
Like, I didn't count him hitting me until he punched me in the face. And that's still, like, now I wasn't that bad. Like, in my head, I'm like, meh, it wasn't that bad.
Maddie: Girl, I got some bad news for you.
Sydnee: But no. I'm telling you. No. No. And I I logically, I know that, yeah, dude, that it is that bad. But it's just the way I got used to stuff that I was like, meh, wasn't it really wasn't that bad.
So you don't understand where it's like, you just get used to it and you go back to it because it's your comfort. It becomes your comfort. It becomes your normal. So having that, just leave. Just leave.
You know what I mean? It just kind of emphasizes that. So as long as you find the self respect and you decide, like, dude, I'm actually the thing that's making you special because I'm giving all my love to you even though you're just taking from me, and I'm the thing that is special. And then when you decide that, you'll leave.
Melissa: And I was thinking too, like, when you said that it's, it's okay, but it's not okay, like, my brain was like, oh, like, it takes the time for you to get there.
Like
Sydnee: Yeah.
Melissa: That's I feel like that's what you're trying to say. Like, don't you don't need to feel bad for the time that it takes for you to heal and recover. Don't feel bad for that. Like
Sydnee: Yes.
Melissa: Get there in your path and journey.
Sydnee: For sure. For sure.
Maddie: Financials can be,
Sydnee: Yeah.
Maddie a huge factor. I know that especially in a repeating cycle of control, financials is also super involved. See. Yeah. It's actually the worst. And some people just don't have enough money to pick up and relocate your life, especially when you're being isolated, being isolated from your money or, you know, having to rely off of that individual.
I think that's another huge factor of not being able to leave is sometimes people just don't have the means.
Sydnee: Definitely. Definitely.
Maddie: Sorry. That was a little bit of a side Tangent. I apologize.
Sydnee: They do. And, no, it's really it it's a huge thing. Financial control is a huge part of the abuse. And people think it's just, like, hitting and whatever, but, no, the emotional well, the emotional was the worst part for me, honestly. The bruises healed faster than the emotional did. So, like, the emotional, the financial, the sexual, there all... there's a lot of forms of abuse, and it all categorizes as domestic violence. I've seen this thing the other day that, they're separating it a little bit when they talk about it.
So there's, like, intimate partner, intimate partner violence, and that's self explanatory. And then, like, domestic violence, which is more of an umbrella for, like, anybody in the house because it like, child abuse as well. And so I think that's cool. It gives, like, a bigger topic for everybody.
Maddie: You can find a lot of community under an umbrella term because even though there's so many different niches of it, people can still kind of kind of get together and
Sydnee: You've got me. That was exactly what I was saying.
Maddie: Share their stories and be able to find comfort in each other because, you know, you're talking about how the experience is kind of like, someone went to the library and picked up a textbook definition on how to be a domestic abuser. Like, it's the same pattern. And, you know, being able to seek out other people who've been through that same pattern, it also helps you convince yourself you're not crazy.
Sydnee: It does. It's so comforting. And my mom used to it. So when, have you heard of Sinful? You
Maddie: Mm-mm.
Sydnee: So she's a TikToker or something. She makes those little videos, the reels and stuff. And I used to watch her, like, religiously because she just validated me. And it was so comforting to know, like, okay. I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy. Because I spent that whole time being told I was crazy, and I was making it all up in my head. And it's so validating to have, okay. It's the exact same thing. Okay.
I'm not crazy. Yeah. They really, really did that.
Melissa: Earlier, you talked about, like, the process of leaving, of filling out a restraining order?
Sydnee: Yeah. A temporary protection order, I think, is what it was called.
Melissa: So could you talk a little bit more about what the process of leaving that situation kind of looks like? Maybe both, like I guess, all aspects. Any aspect that you feel comfortable or feels like important to share to help people.
Sydnee: Okay. So the process for leaving, like, I didn't wanna leave. When I left, it wasn't because I was like, hey. I have all this self respect, and I'm ready to leave, and I'm done. When I left, it was because I knew if I didn't leave that day, I wouldn't have another chance to leave. Like, it was... it had gotten that bad.
It was it was scary. And so for me, I was super, super depressed through all of that, and I remember just crying a lot. I don't remember about what, but I was just always crying.
Maddie: Every reason.
Sydnee: Yeah. I'm like, I was just crying a lot, and we had to go and sit through and fill out this... you... they ask you all these questions in this survey that you fill out, and you're like, has this happened? Has this happened? Has this happened? And you have to explain it. And when you're sitting there and you're writing it out, I didn't realize what had happened until I was sitting there writing it out.
And that was really I, I don't know. Surreal? Is that the word? It was really, really surreal. But I was super lucky because I had the crisis center, and Anna, she was... she knew my mom, and she was the lady that was helping me fill it out.
So I was sitting there, and I'm crying. I'm like, 'Anna, this is so embarrassing. I'm so sorry.' And all of these resources, like, if you're able to find them, like, they have The Haven and Friends in Pocatello and the Sho-Ban Victims Assistance Program. These ladies are there, and they help you fill it out.
And it's, it's really, really scary to go and do that because you also have like, you're sad because that's happened to you. But for me, I had so much guilt. I had so much guilt for turning him in. It was, like, the worst thing that I had ever done. It was it was horrible to me because I had just been trained to not do that.
Like, it was always about making sure that he was good and whatever and telling people that he did that to me and betraying him, it felt horrible. And it's just such a backwards thing because you think, like, well, he did this to you. So that's actually the betrayal. But that's not how it was in my head. So I was really lucky to have that support and those people to tell me, like, Sydnee, this isn't normal.
Like, I know that you feel like this is normal, but this isn't normal. And then with the counseling and stuff, I didn't wanna do I didn't wanna do that either. But I remember my stepmom was with me, and she's helping me fill it out. And she's like, I think you need, like, you need to go. You need to go to counseling.
And I'm like, I don't, not doing it. And I was talking to Anna, and she's like, I'm just gonna go get her. So she came and got her, and then she's, like, talking to me. And she's like, you need it. Like, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Like, everything that you just said to me, you need it. I'm like, okay. So it was you go through the counseling, you get the training, and then you wait for a week while they have to because they have to serve them. So I don't I don't know if it happens like this for everyone, but this is how it happened for me. He ran away.
Nobody could find him. So it took 2 weeks for them to serve him his order. So for those 2 weeks, if I would have ran into him, nothing...it didn't count because he hadn't been served. So I feel like that's kind of problematic. It doesn't really seem very safe.
So that happens. Just throwing that out there. But then once they're served, you go to court. You're both supposed to show up. My case, he didn't show up, so they just gave me my restraining order, and then I went on from there.
But he got arrested for other stuff. It had nothing to do with me. So then I was safe again. But that's that's how leaving went.
Maddie: I think that's crazy that they have to be served 1st and then you're protected. I hate the fact that it's very circumstantial. Yeah. Sorry. That was a hot take. But
Melissa: Well, I agree. I feel like it would be nice if there was, like, okay, this person filed. We should, like, before we can serve the person, there should be a Like an
Sydnee: Umbrella?
Melissa: Yeah. Something. I don't know what the right word or term is. Yes. But it's interesting. Like..
Sydnee: I mean, I also wanna put out there that, like, that was a very I was very messed up, like, cognitively because there was I was just so tired. I was so tired because he would keep me like, he would fight with me for hours and hours. And it was I was just emotionally drained and, like, everything drained.
So my parents really took care of most of the stuff, and I was just kind of there. Like, they're like, k. You gotta go do this. You gotta go do this. And I was like, okay.
Let's go. So I'm pretty... I remember that being how it was.
Melissa: I'm glad that you had their support too because, like, I can't imagine someone trying to go through that without, like, a lot of support too.
Sydnee: I can't, I can't either.
Melissa: Like, how that's...unfathomable.
Sydnee: Yeah. I can't either. And that's, like, one of that's one of the things that I really wanna stop because, well, not stop. I hope I can stop it.
But it's really one of the things that I wanna help with because in 2020, there was 22 centers, like, that helped with domestic violence that took a survey for 24 hours. And 565 people didn't get helped because they didn't have the resources. But they were able I mean and that was on top of 232 that called and got shelter, 221 got some type of resource, and then 205 got, legal help, legal aid.
But 500 of them didn't get help. And that was just in a 24 hour period out of all 22 places.
Melissa: It's awesome that people got help, but it's also why we're talking about this because more people still need help.
Maddie: And a lot of resources kind of fly under the radar if is what I've noticed. Like, there's a lot of places, especially in East Idaho, where there are so many amazing resources. They just kind of don't get the advocacy, and people aren't aware of their services and the resources that they can offer. Like, you know, when someone goes to seek out these resources, sometimes they don't even know where to start.
Sydnee: Yeah. And I I think that's, like, one of I think that's really the only advice I can offer, like, anybody that's trying to do resources is just make sure you get your name out there because, like, people don't wanna talk about it. Even with the ball, like, I have I've with all the support I've gotten, I've gotten so much support, but I have had people that are like, 'Sydnee, this isn't something people wanna talk about.
Like, why are you doing this? This isn't something that should be...' you know? And and that just that it's disappointing, but, I mean, it's it is what it is because it's not something that people wanna talk about. It is a really, really hard topic. But if we don't talk about it, it's gonna continue and, like, the people that are it's affecting aren't gonna get the help.
And in the end, it does affect everybody because there's another statistic that if a little boy sees... and I hate not to I... if a little boy sees their parent hitting their mom, then there's a 70% chance that they'll probably hit their significant other when they grow older. It was like a study that the United States did. So in the end, it it just keeps cycling.
Maddie: Will you talk about the elephant thing that your therapist recommended?
Sydnee: What do you wanna know about it?
Maddie: Just give me a rundown.
Sydnee: So when it first when I first started, I could replay, like, the stuff that had happened. It was really weird, like, almost like a movie. I'd replay it in my head, and I would go over everything that he said to me because I would, like, try to figure out why, what I did wrong, like, why what I did to make him upset, and I'd go through it. I'm like, okay. If I would have done this or and it was I just kept doing it over and over again.
And it got really bad where I would start to, like, disassociate. So I'd stare at stuff, and then people would talk to me for, like, 10 it was really bad. People would talk to me for, like, 10 minutes, and I wouldn't even know that they were talking to me because I would disassociate so bad and just get in my head about all of it. And so one of the things is when I would start to go on those loops, she's like, 'okay. Pick something, something that you like, something that makes you happy, something...'
And she's like, 'now describe it.' So I'm like, okay. An elephant. And she's like, 'it's grey.' okay.
And I always picture that Dumbo guy, you know, with the with the little yellow hat. The hat. Yeah. No. His hat's purple.
No?
Maddie: Beats me.
Sydnee: Is it Dumbo? What's...
Maddie: I'm gonna look it up. Hold on.
There's an elephant, and it's not Dumbo. I can't remember his name, but I picture you're the same elephant every time.
Melissa: Is it a cartoon elephant?
Sydnee: Mhmm. Saggy baggy elephant.
That's a totally different elephant. Saggy baggy elephant. Do you remember those from the golden books?
Melissa: I know the golden books. I don't remember that one.
That was that was a good book.
Maddie: This is out of my age range, I'm afraid. Yeah. They were they were pretty good. Little guy right here.
Melissa: Okay. He looks vaguely familiar.
Sydnee: Yes. Yeah. That's my elephant.
And then I I just describe him. There's not much to describe, but I just keep doing it. And then my brain just thought about the elephant, and then I could go back to what I was doing. And it was that's that's the end of that.
Sydnee: Just kinda get you back on track.
Yeah. Because it it would I don't know. Like, it was almost like I couldn't control them. I didn't mean to get into the spiral because I was just I was sitting there doing a task. I I was working or whatever it was, but I just had so much going on, and my brain would start to think through it so frequently that I'd start I would just stare at stuff, and people couldn't talk to me. I wouldn't pay attention. It was like a movie. I don't know how else to explain it. It's my therapist says it's disassociating. I don't know I don't know how else to explain it.
And when I was in therapy, I would do it. And she's like, Sid, it's kinda bad. Like, you should probably we should probably work on that. And so we got the elephant thing going. At least she's honest.
Yeah. She was like, it's kinda bad. Like, Syd You're only in here for an hour and you do it. And I'm like, okay.
I can, I can work on that.
Maddie: Will you kind of fill us in on the Stop the Silence Ball? Kind of, the story behind it. Maybe you do a shameless plug.
Sydnee: Okay. So Stop the Silence Charity Ball is literally my way of giving back to the people that, saved me because I was I was broken, guys. It was really, it was really scary. When I think back on it now, I was I'm so far from it that it's, it's almost comical because I just I can't imagine being in that place, but it was really, really bad. And the only reason that I got out of it and got better was because of these people.
I started at BMC 2 months after I left or after he left or 2 months after October. And like I said, I wasn't in a good headspace. It wasn't. I wasn't performing well. I wasn't doing the things that I should do.
And I had so much support from my managers and my coworkers, and they didn't really ask me, like, exactly, like, what was happening. But they... I'm sure Nicole.. Nicole told me that she thought I was weird. But I was like, I'm traumatized. Thank you very much. But, no,I just got so much support from everybody at Blackfoot Medical Center.
Like, they were so kind. And then when I started going back to therapy after I was like, hey. Doing all this bad stuff is not... and I wasn't doing all this bad stuff. I was just drinking a lot. I'm like, hey, all of this drinking isn't benefiting me, and I needed to do something else. I started going back to therapy, and they're like, hey. You're still having, like, really bad panic attacks. You're still all of the things. And I went to doctor Fakro, and they got me on antidepressants and medication.
He was so kind to me about it, and I told him everything that I had went through and all of the stuff. And I was really nervous because I'm like, 'I work with you every day, sir. I really don't want you to know my business.' But they were just so supportive, and I can't I can't thank them enough for that. I'm off I'm off of all the stuff now, and I just I'm happy, but not that that matters.
I just wanted to tell you guys that. But they did. They helped me a lot with, like, my mental health. And then the crisis center, they helped me with everything. They helped me with filing the restraining order, and they that's where I go for my therapy.
And they offer, like, free kickboxing class. No. What is that? Free self defense classes that you can take. That's super cool.
So I get to help them out. And Fort Hall, I really, really wanted to include them because being in this situation that I was in, I was really exposed to how much help they need out there. Part of what... part of his, like, favorite thing to do is he would drive around, like, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour, and he'd scream at me. And he'd drive around out in Fort Hall. So bringing some kind of positivity and just, like, goodness out there was really, really important to me.
And then I got to meet the people that run the victim's assistance program, and they are so nice. Like, they are so incredible, and they get to help people. And I really wanted to do something for them. Just I just thank you thank you guys for being awesome, and I know you guys are doing all the all that you can. But, I mean, people have to report.
That's the problem too. Like, nobody wants to turn in their person.
Melissa: So the stop the silence ball, are the proceeds going to those It goes to those three organizations that you mentioned
Sydnee: Yeah. Sorry. I went on tangents, bring me back, always bring me back.
Melissa: No, you're good That was the heart of the story. Like, your why for doing this, so that's great.
Maddie: That's what a lot of people care about is the why.
Melissa: Exactly. That's I just was I'm getting the logistics. Like...
Sydnee: oh, okay.
Melissa: The proceeds are going to..
Sydnee: Yeah. So all the proceeds go to the Bingham Crisis Center and the Fort Hall victim sorry...the Shoshone Bannock victims assistance program.
Melissa: And then when is...
Sydnee: It's October 11th from 6 to 10.
Melissa: And is it at?
Sydnee: It's at the Shoshone Bannock event center, and you guys get dinner. You have the option between chicken and tri tip steak, you get vegetables, broccoli, and carrots. You get a carb, I think it's a roll, or rice, and then you get chocolate cake. And you get to walk a gold carpet, and that's the best part.
Melissa: And you get to help these amazing organizations.
Sydnee: It is. That's the best part. Yep. That's the best part. Yeah.
Maddie: I think it is incredible that you are turning your story and your adversity and turning it around and not only giving back to the people who helped you, but giving back to the people who are still in that situation.
Because when they have more resources, they're able to help more people. And that's one of the biggest things I've noticed, especially with those kinds of resources, is that their reach is very limited because they don't, have the means to do so, especially after COVID. Like, there are multiple crisis centers that are like, 'we'd love to help you, but it's full house. We'd love to help you, but we don't have the financials anymore.
We love to help you, but, you know, we just don't have the means to do so.' And I think that's one of the biggest things that I love about the Stop the Silence Charity Ball is that not only is your perseverance turning into something that will help other people, but it will start a new cycle where people who have been helped by your stop silence ball will turn around and do the same. And I think that is incredible and a great way to incite change, especially in the community. And even in Idaho where situations like these tend to be very hush-hush, just from personal experience, it starts a conversation, and it gets people the help that they need. And I think that's incredible.
The fact that you were starting a new cycle and breaking the old one is incredible. A positive cycle.
Sydnee: I really hope that this ball gives somebody I guess, just hope because, like, when I went through it, I just resigned myself to it. To be completely honest with you, I was just like, man, it is what it is. Even, like, when I left, by the end of the day before I went to my friend, I figured I was gonna be back with him in a couple hours anyway.
So I just resigned myself to it. So I hope this ball lets people see, like, no. People care, and it's not what they say. It's not.. you're not alone. It's not just all about them, and we're trying to get help so that you don't have to stay in these situations.
Melissa: What has helped you feel empowered and to get this hope?
Sydnee: Therapy and Jesus.
Maddie: Period. It's all a girl could ask for sometimes.
Sydnee: Yeah. Real big fan of that man. Yes.
Melissa: He's pretty great.
Maddie: She has pictures of him in her office.
Melissa: I do have pictures of him in my office.
Maddie: have to take a lap give you the tour.
Melissa: like when I'm like, rough days, you look over there. You're like, there's Jesus. Okay. We're fine. It's all good.
But yeah. So I probably should add therapy in there too, but I think there's still a stigma about therapy. Like, I'm like, I
Sydnee: No. It does. It's...
Melissa: I think it's good for everybody.
Like, to talk to someone who knows how people's brains work because then you're like, 'oh, that's why I do that or that's how that's affecting me or,' you know..
Sydnee: So super, super helpful because, like, a lot of people are not self aware. I think that's the problem with a lot of like, I wasn't self aware. I didn't realize that I was, like, in a pattern and doing things. I just thought I was I was floating around. And then now that I'm out of it and I've had the therapy, I can see the pattern, and I'm like, oh, we gotta stop doing that.
So I think it's super, super beneficial to everybody to go to therapy. But, also, I mean, again, like, I have I have insane amount of support, so I'm super, super blessed that way. So I guess my hope is, like and all the future things is Jesus and and my friends and therapy. And I know I feel bad. I don't wanna not give everybody recognition, but I'm like, those are my 2.
Melissa: Yeah. No. Therapy and Jesus. I like it. It's simple and great.
Sydnee: Like, I don't wanna not include people because I'm like, so many people did so much for me. But, also, I'm like, hey. You know what? All you guys sent me from God, so I'm good. God sent me guys to you. So you're covered in that too.
Melissa: They got you there too.
Sydnee: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's been, it's been nice.
Maddie: So a question for you, and feel free to answer this how you feel comfortable. What are some common misconceptions about domestic violence that you would like to address?
Sydnee: I think a lot of people think that it only happens to girls. When you think of domestic violence, you automatically think of a man hitting a girl, but it does happen to men as well. It's not as frequent, but that's probably just because they're not reporting. I think especially in this area, most boys are taught you do not touch a girl. Like, they're they're taught that. And I think they're taught that so deeply, and I'm not saying, like, that they ever should. Like, you do not touch anybody.
Everybody should be taught that. But I think they're taught that so deeply that they'll keep getting hit. Like and they'll take it and they'll take it, and that's not okay either. One of the things that I do wanna focus on with the ball is the inclusivity of it is because I don't feel like they're included in any of the help or any of the resources. And not not because, like, people are, like, doing it on purpose, but it is something that's super underreported.
Maddie: Flies under the radar a little bit.
Melissa: How can communities better support survivors of domestic violence?
Sydnee: Honestly, show up to things. We have we have a lot of community centers that do benefits and, like, not even just like this grand ball. We had a color run if you're into exercise. There's, an event that the new one is doing. What's that new one called? There's a new one here in Idaho Falls that just opened. Like, they're coming to the ball too. They're really excited about it.
Melissa: But, yeah, you said, like, show up to stuff, be involved
Sydnee: Yeah. The community can just go and show up to stuff yeah, be involved. They have a lot of donation centers, And then just talk about it, honestly.
Maddie: Start a conversation.
Sydnee: Yeah. Stop the silence.
Melissa: Stop the silence. Literally.
Maddie: Yeah. That's why we're here. In your personal opinion, what role do media and, like, social media play in shaping public understanding of domestic violence and some of the statistics and situations?
Sydnee: I think it's a double edged sword because, I've been using it for all of my advertising for the ball. So I think it gets out a good message, but I also have seen the trolling.
Like, I have seen people and, I mean, I'm I've seen people that, I guess, would you... would be reaching out for help, I guess, would be the way to say it or trying to share their story. I guess, even talk about it, really. And people are on there and they're like, 'well, you shoulda left and nnnnnna'just having that outside negative voice when you already have that inside negative voice, I don't think that's helpful at all. So I think it just depends on, you know, how people use it. And if people are kind, then I think it's it's a kind thing.
If people are unkind, then probably not the best thing.
Maddie: So real.
Melissa: So use your tools wisely, guys. So what changes would you like to see in policy or public awareness regarding domestic violence?
Sydnee: So in regards to public awareness, I, would also like to let people know, that when false claims happen, it doesn't just impact whoever you're mad at.
It impacts other victims that are being abused, because in 2020, they had to change that law because it had gotten so excessive with people using the law as a weapon. Like, people would get upset, and they were completely false. So now it's so much harder to go through the process. It just makes it that much harder because of the false claims. And it's already a really hard thing, and you already don't wanna do it.
And adding that is just another stressor. So that's my little piece on that. If we could find I don't know how they could do it because I don't I'm not a lawyer. I don't understand the laws. I'm sure that there's reasons for it because that's not fair to the men that are getting the false things.
But if there could be a policy change on that, that would be phenomenal because I don't understand how it's safe when you have documentation and physical bruises on your body and they can't do anything to remove them from just from my experience. Yeah.
Maddie: The, unfortunate thing about the legal system is it gets hard to hold people accountable legally, and especially when a police officer has to physically see it. Whenever the police show up, everyone straightens up and acts right, at least most people. And I just wish people who are already going through so much would be able to have easier steps to get where they need to be.
Melissa: Is there a message of hope or encouragement you'd like to leave off with?
Sydnee: Yeah. I think just like I said before, it doesn't matter when you get out. It just matters that you get out. Because even if you go back, I mean, the next time you leave, it might be the the time that you stay gone.
And then that time, you can find the self love that you don't have, and you don't you won't find it from them. And that's that's my hope. I hope you guys come to the ball.
Maddie: What days are the ball again?
Sydnee: October 11th from 6 to 10 PM.
Maddie: So excited to go.
Maddie: You can have dinner there.
Maddie: Is it tickets for like, you can bring buy a ticket for 2 people and buy a ticket for 1 person?
Sydnee: Yeah. So you can buy a couple's ticket or a singles ticket, or you can buy a table.
Melissa: What else is happening? So we've got we've got our we've got dinner happening at our Stop the Silence Ball. What else?
Sydnee: We have a 360 camera coming. So all the proceeds from the 360 camera are gonna go to the Bingham Crisis Center and Sho-Ban Event Center.
So that's gonna be part of the donations. We have a raffle going. We have a bunch of local businesses that have donated. We have t shirts. We have tattoos.
We have a lot of tattoos. And then we have a camera, like prom photos so you guys can get pictures in your beautiful outfits.
Maddie: That's awesome.
Sydnee: We have the camera, dinner, raffles, auction, and then we're gonna have some speakers.
Maddie: Do you have, like, a social media handle that you advertise all your stuff on?
Sydnee: Yes. Stop the silence charity ball on Facebook.
Maddie: Fabulous.
Melissa: Is that where you can get tickets?
Sydnee: Yeah. You can get tickets on Eventbrite. Both the links are on stop the silence charity ball. You can also get your tickets at Cheers and Beers, Kessler's, and Blackfoot Medical Center.
They have QR codes on the poster side.
Maddie: It is also on our riverbendmediagroup.com community calendar. If you'd like to go check it out there. It has link to buy tickets as well.
Melissa: Thank you, Sydnee, for coming in and sharing your story and spreading awareness about this important topic.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please remember to share, subscribe, and rate the Riverbend Awareness Project.
Maddie: If you'd like to send us an email, you can reach us via podcast at riverbendmediagroup.com. Thank you so much for listening and join us next time on the Riverbend Awareness Project.