Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
This episode is all about finding your own self-worth and learning to trust your judgement. We loved this conversation for anyone who may be facing trauma or domestic abuse, or finding your confidence again after some hard knocks.
Some key lessons and insights from Rebecca's story include:
Some key lessons and insights from Rebecca's story include:
- It's important to take time after a difficult relationship to reflect on what you want and don't want in a partner
- How Rebecca learned to set healthy boundaries and not rush into another relationship for fear of being alone
- Recognizing the gradual nature of abuse and not blaming yourself for ending up in an unhealthy situation
- How telling your story can help you own your experience, feel less shame, and see that you've grown from hard times
- How finding people who make you feel safe enough to share allows you to fully show up in relationships
- How keeping difficult experiences inside can feel lonely, while telling your story helps you reclaim power over your narrative
- Learning to speak your own truth
By owning every part of your journey - even the parts that once brought shame - you see how far you've come.
Rebecca shares the eye-opening discovery that showed her one relationship had slowly shrunk her world. Plus, how making friends outside romance helped her kids see healthy interactions and find her true self.
Listen in and let us know what you think.
Enjoying Single & Mighty? Please help us to reach more single parents:
NEW! Buy us a coffee:
https://buymeacoffee.com/singleandmighty
Rebecca shares the eye-opening discovery that showed her one relationship had slowly shrunk her world. Plus, how making friends outside romance helped her kids see healthy interactions and find her true self.
Listen in and let us know what you think.
Enjoying Single & Mighty? Please help us to reach more single parents:
NEW! Buy us a coffee:
https://buymeacoffee.com/singleandmighty
To hear more of Single & Mighty, head to: https://singleandmighty.com/podcast-notes/
Stay up to date with us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/singlemightypodcast/
Are you a single parent with a story to tell? Sign up to be a guest: https://singleandmighty.com/apply-to-be-a-guest-on-single-mighty/
We want to hear from you! Drop us a DM on Instagram or by mail to: hello at singleandmighty dot com
And please LEAVE A REVIEW if you've enjoyed the show! That's what helps us grow.
Creators & Guests
What is Single & Mighty: Build a great life after divorce or separation?
You can build a powerful (and fun!) life after divorce or separation. Hosts Carmel Ecker and Lindsay Carlson are here to bring you real-life stories and hard-earned lessons, so you can have the motivation, clarity and community you need to thrive as a single parent. Whether you're co-parenting, parenting alone, or your kids no longer live at home -- this show is for you.
For single moms, single dads, single parents, co-parents, solo parents, and those who care about them. Join us to hear about entrepreneurship, financial independence, dating, remarriage and step-parenting, blended families, going back to school, growing your career, co-parenting schedules, leaving domestic abuse, finding adult friends, solo travel, creating fun in your life, and more.
When you're a single parent, there can be a lot going on, from managing money to growing your career or business, while parenting, dating, and finding time for yourself. How can you create a great life and actually have fun doing it? That's the question we're here to answer. Welcome to Single and Mighty, the podcast where we believe single parents deserve to lead mighty lives. I'm Carmel Eker, a single parent who gets my adventure fix as a mountain biking coach.
Carmel Ecker:I'm also the founder of Your One Amazing Life.
Lindsay Carlson:And I'm Lindsay Carlson, a solo parent who left an abusive relationship to start a new life. I now enjoy running my own company, Mighty Inc Marketing. We've both been single parents for more than a decade, which means we've made our share of mistakes and learned a few things along the way. What stands out for us is the value of community, inspiration and support to create a life you love no matter what the world throws at you. And that's what this podcast is all about.
Lindsay Carlson:So listen in, get inspired, and leave a review so other single parents can find it too. And sign up at singleandmighty.com for bonus resources and special news. Today, we're talking to Rebecca Lynn Thomas. Rebecca is a certified trauma informed life coach and leadership expert. What I love is that she's really open about sharing her own story and she's been through some pretty big ups and downs.
Lindsay Carlson:And she's willing to use those because she knows that the power of story is just so important in how we begin to see ourselves and how others begin to see us. So we're really excited to talk to you today, Rebecca, and dig into a bit about the power of story and, again, what your single parent story really is.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Thank you so much for having me. Really excited to be here. So can you tell us in
Lindsay Carlson:a nutshell or or a little bit bigger, what is your single parent story?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So I my oldest is 21 years old, which is totally mind boggling to me at this point that he's 21, but I had him when I was 22. And that is when I became a single parent. So I, you know, right off the bat, was by myself trying to raise this baby. And now looking back thinking, man, I was like a child myself. Right?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And so I was a single mom with him for about a year and a half until I met my first husband. We got married, you know, it was like really amazing to have found this man who wanted to take my son and raise him as his own. And then we hit really rocky times. He had a drug problem and that became a problem for me and my home. And I, by that time, had a second child.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So now I have this son and this daughter, and I have to leave. So I, again, become a single parent. My son is now 7, My daughter is 3, and here we are again. At that point, we were living with my mom, so I had a lot of support. And then I met the most amazing man, I thought.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And again, here I'm finding out. My my picker is not very good. I end up with this very controlling actually was very in the church, so it was a very spiritually abusive relationship as well. And I started to learn some things that I thought this is not what I want to sign up for again. And so I ended up I was pregnant when I left.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And so now I have 3 children, and I was a single mom. I left in 2014, and now I am remarried. We've been married about two and a half years. So my single mom story is this very, like, on again, off again, on again, off again. But each time I started again, I had one more child added to the bunch.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And and so, you know, it was really a learning experience of being like single mom to 1 kid, now single mom to 2 kids. And I used to joke actually that I didn't take sweatshirts from relationships. I took children. That was my collection. And, yeah.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So now I am very fortunate to be partnered with an amazing man and he is really just such an outstanding parent to my 3 children. He doesn't have any children of his own, and so we just feel very fortunate to have found him.
Lindsay Carlson:Wow. Amazing. I love how every time we talk to a single parent who's now partnered, they have a different approach too. Sometimes the the other the new spouse takes on a lot of the parenting and sometimes they don't take on any of it. And I love how you pretty much find your own way with that.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah. I would absolutely agree. I mean, when I was in that very highly controlling abusive relationship, I thought that's how it was supposed to be. It was very traditional roles that I wanted. This is what I had always thought I wanted, this very like religious, not religious, I didn't want religious, but spiritual.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And like we go to church and we have the very typical nuclear family and it just was not a partnership. And so, yeah, I think that is really I've experienced different scenarios and realized, like, what I have now is really, really the best of all.
Carmel Ecker:It's amazing, isn't it? How
Lindsay Carlson:It's amazing.
Carmel Ecker:We when we actually get what we thought we wanted, there's, like, all of a sudden, this reality check. Oh, wait. That's what that looks like? Hang on. I need to reevaluate now.
Carmel Ecker:And and I'm wondering if, for for you, you know, post each relationship, did you take the time to evaluate what happened there, and, you know, what do I wanna make different next time? Like, was that an intentional process for you? Or just curious.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah. That is such a good question. And I would say that not initially. No. I did not.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Because I think part of it, I was scared to be alone. I really did have that fear that, like, if I don't find someone now, I'm gonna be alone forever. And when I did find the very abusive controlling one, he showed up at a time that I thought, oh, this is like exactly how this is supposed to happen. So even though there hadn't been very much time in between my divorce, and and actually we weren't even divorced yet, we were separated, like it was absolutely going to end in divorce, and I just thought, he's like just amazing. So I'm gonna jump head first into this.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:But because of how bad that really was and how much trauma that left me and my children with, there was a very long period of time after that. It was about 4 years before I met my now husband. And, I mean, it was a process of I had tried to date, I could not do it. I mean, it just was I didn't trust myself at all to make a good decision. So I just didn't choose anybody.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And that worked out really well. It gave me a lot of time to really figure out what was it that I was like allowing and what boundaries. I mean, I had zero boundaries, so that was a huge process too. But 4 years, that's a long time, you know? Yeah.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And, yeah. Yeah. So I think in between, the time got longer is what I would say.
Carmel Ecker:I I
Lindsay Carlson:Right. Right.
Carmel Ecker:I call those kinds of relationships the the universe's 2 by 4 to the to the head. Right, where, like, it just whacks us with something to to kinda wake us up from the the behaviors that we've had that actually aren't serving us, whether the universe does it intentionally or not. But it's just that, woah, wait. Like, that just took a round out of me. I need to step back and rethink my strategy or my plan or how I approach things.
Carmel Ecker:So I'm I'm glad I'm not the only one who's
Lindsay Carlson:had that experience. Yeah. You're so wise because you can tell you've got the coaching. You've got the coaching understanding. I love that, Carmel.
Lindsay Carlson:I also wanted to say that, yes, my first relationship, I was 23 when I had my first daughter and that growing we left in the middle of the night kind of thing and ended up at a women's shelter. And I saw people who were coming back again and again and again because you get into this pattern and if you don't do the type of work that the universe is smacking you on the head with, maybe you're too young, you don't have any context for it, or you're holding on tight to that nuclear family, and you don't wanna let go of the dream, it's really easy to end up in the same pattern over and over. So amazing, and congratulations to you for breaking that for one thing. Mhmm. So now that you look back at it, speaking to others who might be finding themselves in the early days of, you know, wondering if they're in a dangerous relationship or, you know, not in a healthy one.
Lindsay Carlson:What kinds of learnings could you share with someone in those shoes?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Oh. I I think about this sometimes because I think it's a very fortunate thing when we get to that place where we say, I am not doing this anymore. And then it's another thing to actually not do it anymore. Right? Those are 2 very different decisions.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And the first one can take time to get to where you're like, okay, now I'm actually ready to do something about it. And so there's no shame in that. Number 1, I would say like the first step is realizing this is an unsafe place for me to be and I need to do something different. Now, if there's like physical abuse going on, the sooner the better. Right?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:But I think there are so many reasons that women stay, and it breaks my heart that that's true. And, you know, I was not I'm gonna go off track here just for a second, but I was in the break room at my office one time and we were talking about some documentary where a woman had been abused by this guy, ended up in this bad relationship. And this woman I worked with said, I don't understand how women can end up in relationships like that. Like, that's just so stupid. And I looked at her and I was like, aren't you lucky that it never happened to you?
Carmel Ecker:Yeah. But it happened
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:to me, and I'm an intelligent person. Yeah. So how dare you?
Lindsay Carlson:Right? Like, this It happens to everyone. Like, oh, lots of life.
Carmel Ecker:Assumption is that the relationship starts out that way. And the reality is that that's not what happens. You like, there is a process. It's I I don't know if grooming would be the right word for it. But, really, like, you get wooed in, and everything's nice nice, and it's wonderful.
Carmel Ecker:And then just little by little you know, and I think you've used this term before, Lindsay, the frog in boiling water. Right? Where the temperature just keeps rising and you don't really notice it because the the change is so gradual.
Lindsay Carlson:And I
Carmel Ecker:think that's where, you know, that's the assumption that people make is that when it starts out that bad, well, it doesn't. It never does.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Because you're right.
Carmel Ecker:No one would get into a relationship like that if they if that was how it started.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Exactly. Yeah. So, you know, the other thing I think of too is because it's this use of words, you know, when we're talking about the way that this kind of warms up and you're in the beginning, it's a lot of love bombing. Right? All the words we wanna hear.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:How much how beautiful you are and how much I love you and all these things. And and there's just a lot of attention and all this stuff. And so when that starts to be taken away and now there's conflict because it started to be taken away. And like even in this case, I'm saying, I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm done.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:This is not a good place for me and my children to be. Well, now the words come back.
Carmel Ecker:Mhmm.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And so there has to be a recognition that these are not true things coming out of this person's mouth. And that takes time to get to a place where it's like, I want to hope the best for everyone. I love being able to see people's potential and think this person could be so amazing. But potential is different than actual behavior and actual love and all these things. Right?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So once we can separate that out and say, they have a lot of potential. If they healed, they would be amazing, right? If they did this work, it would be incredible, but they're not willing to and they're not going to. So now we have to accept the reality of what is. And that's really hard because we want what we wish could be.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:We wanna hope for that.
Lindsay Carlson:So true.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So it is really like we accept what is the reality because that's all that there is. And I think the biggest thing, because it's the words, was just blocking everything. And at the time, this is before, like, I could put my phone on do not disturb, I think, or maybe that feature had just come out. And so I would put my phone on do not disturb. I would put an email filter so that all of my emails from this person would go straight into a folder that I didn't see in the inbox.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Like I would literally have to choose to go look at that folder. And it was really just like everything that had anything to do with this person needed to be out of my line of sight and out of my ability to hear it. Mhmm. So that I could create
Carmel Ecker:space. Mhmm.
Lindsay Carlson:Yeah. Yeah. Those relationships, they really take advantage of our empathy and our compassion and our hope. And so you yeah. You really you need that wall.
Lindsay Carlson:You need that no contact. And it can be really, really, really hard. But you're right that that is one thing that is super effective in breaking the connection. And then it's like you said, it's learning to trust yourself. And that takes a really long time after something traumatic like that.
Carmel Ecker:Absolutely. Yeah. That brings up an interesting question, Lindsay. Like, Rebecca, how did you how did you learn to trust yourself in relationships specifically?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah. I really Yeah. So at the time when all of that splitting up was happening, there was this one of the things, one of the tactics that he would use was to try and tell me that no one would believe me and that and he had already kind of convinced people that he was amazing and whatever. So, like, what was happening in our home is not what people saw. And so me leaving, me ending that was surprising to people.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Right? So now I'm having to grapple with the fact that like, no one's going to believe my story. I'm going to tell this story and people are not going to believe me. So I had to come to grips with the fact that people were not gonna believe me, but I knew the truth. And as long as I knew the truth and knew that I was telling the truth, that whatever anybody else chose to believe was on them.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:But that also meant that I had to cut off basically every relationship I had at the time, other than my family. And so there was a lot of like this sort of like hiding away for a little while. Right? Going into hiding and saying, like, it is just me and my kids in this space right now and this is a safe space because I know that we love each other. There's, like, I don't have to question that.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:I don't have to worry about if somebody's in here that shouldn't be. I know who we are. Mhmm. Yep. Self protection.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And then hiding in that for a while. Yeah. Like, people that I worked with at the time had absolutely no idea anything was wrong in my life because I was very guarded and sharing none of it with anyone. And so I think at the beginning, that was a big part of learning to trust myself because then I had to figure out who was safe and who wasn't. And so coming up with how I decided that was a whole process of it in and of itself, but it had to start with me.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Am I even safe with myself?
Lindsay Carlson:Right. Right. A similar thing that I experienced was believing yourself. I don't know if you ran into that as well. I remember I had a few connections that I did talk to about it, and I was like, so I think maybe we have a little bit of abuse going on in our relationship.
Lindsay Carlson:You know, that's kind of why I left. And I I was sort of undermining my own my own perception of what had happened and and questioning it. And, really, I think because because in a relationship like that, your self confidence can be so severely undermined that yeah. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is I love that you were able to create that protection for yourself so you weren't letting other people's doubt in. And also, sometimes a safe relationship is a chance for someone else to hear you and validate what you're going through.
Lindsay Carlson:So there are different paths depending on on who's listening today.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Absolutely. Mhmm. Yeah. I think that's really common thing. I've spoken to many women who have come out of really different types of abusive relationships, and I think that's a very that's been a common theme, is they start to tell this story and they say things like, well, maybe it wasn't really that bad or, you know, this was really normal.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:But if you start hearing the story of what it was that happened, it's not normal. You know? One of my my best examples of this is there was Christmas Eve, and I think it was 2013. Christmas Eve, we're getting ready to take my kids to Legoland. I live in California, so we're gonna get up early and go do that.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And I walked out into the kitchen and there was a pile of methamphetamine on my kitchen counter. At the time, that was normal. And I wouldn't, and I got very upset, obviously, like who wouldn't get upset if they found that on their kitchen counter? But I didn't do the thing that maybe somebody who would never see that in their kitchen would do, which would be to, like, call the police. Why is this in my house?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:I did not do that. I just, like, picked it up and dumped it down the sink because this was normal. And so I think when we start to look back and we think this is not normal, but we need people to tell us, like, that is not normal. It's not okay. Right.
Carmel Ecker:And the the only way that we can get to that point is if we share our story. Right? Yes. And I know that that's something that's actually really important to you, Rebecca. And it's something that you bring into your work.
Carmel Ecker:Is that is that right?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:It is. Yes. I am a story coach. And so what that means is that I empower women to tell their very hard stories. And the reason that that is important to me is that I know the pain that keeping these secrets creates and the prisons that it can create in our heads.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:We start to tell ourselves different stories than what the truth might be when we keep our stories inside. There's a very famous statement, We're only as sick as our secrets. And I absolutely believe that. Because if we're not telling our story, number 1, we're not helping anybody else, which I think our stories can all help other people, but we start to maybe believe some of the shame that we could believe if we're not sharing our story.
Carmel Ecker:Mhmm.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:For example, my children, and, you know, if you're listening in the beginning and hearing me explain my single mom story, I have 3 children from 3 different biological fathers. Now, I didn't say that explicitly at the beginning and I
Carmel Ecker:never used to tell anyone that because that
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:is embarrassing. Right. You know, quote unquote. I used to feel a lot of shame over that. But as I have shared my story and as I have explained, like, this is what happened.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:But as I have shared my story and as I have explained, like, this is what happened. Would you rather I had stayed in the first one when he broke my nose and threw me over a couch? No. So what was I going to do? And so now my story looks like what it looks like, but it is a beautiful story.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Why wouldn't I share that? You know? So Yeah. I really want women to know, like, yes, some of these stories are really painful and some of them, they are what happened to us, but there is so much beauty when we can learn from it and grow from it and share it with other people and understand that there is no shame there.
Lindsay Carlson:Yeah. That's what we wanna do here too. So I love the the opportunity to bring out your story and talk about that because telling our stories and even identifying yourself like you do on social media and talking about, yeah, I'm a single parent or I'm a single mom, It lets us see that there are other stories out there that are really normal, and they're just not the ones that were chosen and given to us when we were younger, like the nuclear family or having kids from different fathers. Like, why are those even concerns? And yet it's just because we don't see all of the other possibilities that are living out there right now.
Lindsay Carlson:So it's wonderful to have all those stories being told. Yeah.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Thank you so much.
Carmel Ecker:What do you find, you know, in your work, what do you find the impact is of women? And, actually, I shouldn't assume that you only work with women. Maybe you have male clients too. People sharing their stories, and and how does that affect their transformation?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:I have only worked with women, but I would love to work with men too, because I do think that's really important. The difference is is just their confidence. You know, we talked about being in a relationship like this can really take a toll on our self confidence. Lindsay, you said that earlier, and it is so true because we do second guess. We, you know, I know for me, I ended up with my now partner and husband really unsure at the beginning of that relationship.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And so being able to hear someone tell their story or share their story and create a space that is safe enough for them to do that, where they know there's no judgment and, you know, it's really they own it. They're learning to own it. It feels like it has less power. So what I have noticed is like there's this almost cowering in the beginning of like, I have all these things, and I have and it's so heavy. And by the end, it is like they are throwing off this huge weight.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And it I mean, you could see it. They, like, stand taller and they just speak with more confidence. And so, when I think that is the power of telling our stories, really, at the end of the day, it is to say, this is my story and I own it and it is mine, And you don't get to tell me if it's good or bad or right or wrong or whatever because it's mine.
Carmel Ecker:Oh, I love that. I love that so much. That that ability to step set ourselves free from judgment, whether it's our own, initially, maybe, and and also of other people's. Yeah. And just be like, here I am, warts and all.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah.
Lindsay Carlson:Yeah. It's amazing. That's really foundational. I know that currently I'm starting back in the dating world again after years of rebuilding. And yeah, we get to the point even in something like a dating relationship where it's a question of how safe is it to tell you my story and how much of my story am I willing to be open about?
Lindsay Carlson:And I know that in the past, I was very cautious and even now I'm being cautious. But I realize that my goal is to be able to be fully transparent with someone else that I choose in my life so that I really am showing up and that I really get the the relationships I deserve to have where people really do know who I am as opposed to trying to make it look different or look more acceptable, which I think happens sometimes too.
Carmel Ecker:You point out something really great there, Lindsay, that, like, will you kinda know that it's things are moving in the right direction, or this is someone you wanna have in your life when you can tell your story and you feel safe and you feel comfortable and you don't feel like once you've you've said your piece and that you now have to defend yourself. I think that's a really powerful thing too to to be able to assess, like, this is a safe place for me.
Lindsay Carlson:And also you being safe for yourself, I think, first. I think that was is like probably the first hurdle, Rebecca, when you say, like, I'm able to own my story first and then because otherwise, you're just gonna be stopping, I think, from personal experience, and it's not everyone's experience, but it's easy to censor yourself if you're not completely okay with it.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Absolutely. And I think, you know, when you just said that, I thought, man, but I did it so backwards. You know, in myself, but I didn't know how to do that. And so I did kind of do it through figuring out who safe people were, and so it created this sense of safety within myself. I don't know if that makes sense.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So I'm gonna try and explain
Carmel Ecker:it a
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:little bit. Yeah. I knew I didn't wanna date anyone. Like, I knew that because I clearly needed to to reflect. You know, we talked about that a little bit before.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:I needed to reflect. So I needed to figure out what do what, you know, the idea of like, what are my core values? I know what beliefs I grew up with. You know, we've mentioned nuclear family here a couple of times. I know with all these beliefs, but what actually matters to me?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:That's a different question. If it just matters to me that I have the nuclear family, cool, we saw how that worked out. So like, let's try something else. And so what mattered to me was people who were honest because I was lied to a lot. People that showed up when they said they were going to, people that followed through when they said they were gonna follow through.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And, you know, there's a myriad ways that people showed this to me. I worked in an industry that was heavily male dominant, right? Because there were engineers and that just tends to be more men in that field. And so a lot of them at that time are in their early thirties and not married. So here I am in my, like, early mid thirties and single again.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Now I have these kids, but these guys all knew how to be good friends. And I thought, I need friends, and I need to figure out how to be friends with a man, because I do not know how to do that. I only know how to be all in. Like we're in this romantic relationship. I don't know how to be friends.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And so I spent about 2 years with these you know, there was a core group of guys that I worked with that I just like, I was safe with them. And it was a really incredible feeling to have these friends that I was safe with and be able to identify. They're like, wow, I actually feel okay about who I am, what I look like, what I do, like all of these things that I've been looking to romantic relationships to help me figure out, but I found it in these friendships. And then I realized how awesome it was for my kids to see me having these really healthy friendships with people of the opposite sex because I had been taught my whole life, you don't do that. Wow.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So Right. Yeah. I learned so much during that time. So that when I did meet my husband, I was like, I have male friends, and I will continue to have male friends because you were never gonna take that from me.
Carmel Ecker:Wow. Love
Lindsay Carlson:it. I love it. There's so many things there. You're right. We don't necessarily know how to be friends with guys or I couldn't imagine, like, just in my my way of thinking that I haven't looked at yet, like, having guy friends and having a partner cool with that.
Lindsay Carlson:I haven't really thought about that. Like, wow. Very cool.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:I became a nonnegotiable pretty fast because I was like, these guys really did a lot for my life without even knowing it. Yeah. Like, if you asked them, do you know that you did this for Rebecca? They would not know what you're talking about. But they did.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Lovely.
Carmel Ecker:Yeah. That's amazing. And I think that's such a great recognition that you have that, hey. There's a piece that's missing here, and I'm just going to spend some time in this space and and learn how to be this way with this group of people. And and I think you're I love that you set the, you know, I have guy friends, and, like, if you've got a problem with that, off you go.
Carmel Ecker:Yep. Because I think that's really important. Right? That's it's it's like, nobody gets to dictate to you who you associate with or how you, you know, generally run your life. I mean, if you're gonna be in a partnership, there's some give and take and cooperation and everything.
Carmel Ecker:But, you know, at the end of the day, nobody gets to tell you how how to run your life at at the core of it. Yep. And I think that's a powerful stand because there are relationships where one person dictates what's allowed to happen in the relationship and and outside of the relationship. And it's, like, man, that's oppressive. Yeah.
Carmel Ecker:You're like, you feel this oppressive.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah. And it it does feel really oppressive. And, you know, I I lived in a relationship like that where we had like and there's nothing wrong with this. If a couple chooses to do this, it is totally fine. But we had an email address that was like our email address because I was in that mindset of this is my nuclear family and we're in this thing, we're together.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:And so if anybody's talking to him, he should also be talking to me and whatever. These are all things that I was modeled and told is how it should be, and that's fine if people want to do that. But I realized for me, it was very oppressive. It was not allowing me to build the relationships that I needed or have the people in my life that were important, not just for me, but also for my kids. And so when I was in this time period of making these friends, I also had decided I was never getting married again.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So how was I going to make sure that my kids had other people in their life besides me? I needed to be part of a community and invite those people to my house and have dinner with them. And, you know, my kids would spend time with them too. And I look back at that time very fondly because it wasn't a time where I was out searching for someone. I was literally searching for me and they helped me find me.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah.
Lindsay Carlson:Awesome. It also takes the pressure
Carmel Ecker:off,
Lindsay Carlson:I think. Right? You don't need to have that one person to check the boxes, 1 or no one. You're sort of, it's a really nice move sideways to sort of like, what else is possible? I love that.
Lindsay Carlson:Mhmm. I feel like we're talking a lot about healthy relationships. So I just wanna dig into that just a little bit more since you do have this background, and I think this is a really important theme that we wanna talk about on our show. But it's sort of you talked at the beginning about the unhealthy relationship starting with love bombing and having controlling patterns in them. And now you're seeing a relationship totally different from that.
Lindsay Carlson:What are some of the other things that you've realized are really telltale signs that this isn't okay in a relationship?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So one of the things that showed up when I was leaving this relationship and moving out of my condo, I mean, I was, like, changing locations. Everything was changing. Right? My mom was helping me pack up my kitchen, and in my kitchen, I had a calendar. And she pulled it was one of the ones that you hang on your wall.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:You know? She pulled it off, and I was looking through it because I have a habit of, like, writing down things randomly that happen or whatever on that calendar. That had been a normal thing for me. So she's looking through this calendar and for 9 months it was blank. And that was such a striking thing for me to see because I was like, how did I not notice that?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Everything that our life had become about was about keeping him happy. And so we I didn't schedule anything outside of the kids going to school, me going to work, kids going to school, me going to work. There was nothing else. And so I would say to your question, like, are you scheduling things outside of your house? Do you go to the grocery store by yourself ever?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Are you, you know, able to, like, come and go as you please? If the answer is no to any of those, it might be worth asking yourself, is this do I have freedom in this relationship actually? Because it might feel free. I didn't know. I thought I was just doing a very caring thing by making sure that everything was okay.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:But I was really hurting myself and my kids, but I mean, we literally were just in our house for 9 months other than school and work. That was it. Yep. And if somebody had pulled that calendar off sooner and said, Hey, this is empty. Do you know this is empty?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Like, what are you doing? Maybe things could have changed soon, but you know, that's one of those what if we don't really wanna go down that road. Yeah. But I think like, what are your activities like? I think that's a really good question.
Lindsay Carlson:Yeah. Yeah. Your life kinda got smaller and smaller and smaller.
Carmel Ecker:Yeah. That and that brings up in that, like, just that that for you, that was a change that you noticed kind of after the fact. But I think, you know, anyone noticing, how is my life different than it was before? And is it is that a good thing? Or is there, like, now a giant hole where I used to be?
Lindsay Carlson:Yeah. Yeah. That's hard to see.
Carmel Ecker:Yeah. Mhmm. It's a it's a red flag that we often ignore. Right? We're like, oh, well, I'm in a relationship now.
Carmel Ecker:So, you know, of course, things are gonna change. Yep. I think some of that comes
Lindsay Carlson:because we really have a priority on being in relationship or finding our our person. And once we've done that, I don't know. That was my feeling at 23. Woo hoo. I found this amazing person and he's so romantic.
Lindsay Carlson:Woo. Check that off my list. I'm I'm landed. I'm done. Yippee.
Lindsay Carlson:And and there's just so much of a feeling of accomplishment, and and this is the way life is supposed to be, and it's so wonderful that then you can have things slowly creep up that you start to justify. And you're like, oh, well, that's okay that, you know, that maybe he bumped into me that way. Maybe he didn't mean it or maybe he just forgot that he shouldn't do that. Starting making excuses.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Absolutely.
Lindsay Carlson:Well, I'm so I'm so grateful to you for sharing your story. And I think a lot of other people will learn from it and just gain confidence that they can go out and share their deep down darkest, hardest stories at least with themselves at first and then finding someone safe to to share it with as well.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:I think once we can be honest with ourselves and think, k. This is my story. This is my story, and we can choose to own it, or we can choose to hide from it. And hiding is just, it's a very lonely place. So I think being able to tell ourselves our story first, and then, yes, absolutely a safe place, you know, if it is not a safe place, get out of there and find somebody else.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Mic drop. Yes. I love it.
Lindsay Carlson:On that note, Rebecca, this has been such a such a great conversation. I'm so glad that we have this time with you. We'd love to ask a few lightning round questions from all of our guests and I thought maybe we would just start with those. Carmel, do you wanna do you wanna take them away? Sure.
Carmel Ecker:I'll start with the one I always do because it's my favorite. Finish the statement, single parenting is
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:The best thing that's ever happened to me.
Carmel Ecker:Oh, I love that one. That's what
Lindsay Carlson:I say do.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:What made me wanna cry?
Lindsay Carlson:Oh, thank you for that. That's so great. Alright. What's the number one thing you want our listeners to remember from this conversation?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:You can find a safe place inside yourself. That does exist.
Lindsay Carlson:That's beautiful. Now I'm gonna cry. Yep. We're just eating a big mess.
Carmel Ecker:None of us is wearing mascara. Right? Like, what is the best or worst or both advice that you've ever gotten as a single parent?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Don't worry. You'll find someone. Like, there will be somebody that comes along. You just need to be patient. That was probably the worst.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Because in my opinion, this is the best advice. Thank you. No one needs anyone. We wanna find somebody who's a good partner for us, but we don't need that.
Lindsay Carlson:So true. And then this one, last one. What's what's your favorite quality or your favorite thing about yourself?
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Man, I used to really, really have a hard time with this, but I am an assertive person who is willing to take up space. That used to be really hard.
Lindsay Carlson:I love that. Mhmm. Take out the space. I love it.
Carmel Ecker:I think we need more women in the world being willing to take up space.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:Yeah. Agreed. Yeah. It's okay.
Lindsay Carlson:Alright. Well, thank you so much, Rebecca. This has been awesome. We loved getting to know you and hearing your story and hearing about the story coaching that you do with your clients. I hope that really grows
Carmel Ecker:for you.
Rebecca Lynn Thomas:So much. Thanks for having me. This has been amazing.
Carmel Ecker:Before you leave, we want to give a big shout out to our friend and musician, Laura Kosch, who wrote our intro and outro music. Laura is the singer songwriter for the band The Quirks, and you can find them online at thequirkskwerks.com.
Lindsay Carlson:If you enjoyed the show, make sure you subscribe, leave a review, and share it with other single parents in your life. Thanks for listening.