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Welcome to Her Health Code, the podcast that helps women in midlife feel better in their bodies without the confusion or overwhelm. We’re two health coaches sharing real talk, personal stories, and our best coaching tips that help you reconnect with your body’s wisdom. Think of us as your health-savvy girlfriends, here to help you crack the code to feeling vibrant and strong again.
Jessica Franklin (00:00)
Welcome to Her Health Code. We're your host, Jess and Michelle. Here, we're all about helping women in midlife decode what their bodies are telling them through real talk and sharing our practical tips and simple tools that put you back in control so you can feel stronger, healthier, and more vibrant every day.
Jess & Michele (00:15)
Welcome, I'm Jess and I'm Michelle and today we are going to talk about the relationship problems that happen during menopause and perimenopause and we're gonna get into all the statistics and why this is happening. So first of all, did you know Jess that there is a staggering rate of women that are getting divorced during perimenopause and menopause? Well, I didn't know until I entered into this time and I started doing quite a lot of research.
And now I do know and it actually has a name right? so they've actually given the title of Menodivorce actually 60 to 70 % of the divorces that are happening during midlife are initiated by women Isn't that crazy? It is crazy and this midlife is like 45 to 55. Yep time where
menopause and perimenopause are actively happening to us. And also gray divorce is another term that you might hear thrown around out there. It's all the same thing, but there are also some studies and statistics out of the UK where it shows seven out of ten marriages. was seven out of ten women, wasn't it? Blamed divorce on menopause and perimenopause.
blame it. you know, it's a thing. It is a thing. In fact, there's many different influences, many different factors that influence the whole menno divorce. And we're going to get into each of those and explain to you why that is happening. And so the first one is physical and emotional strain on the relationships. Second one being loss of tolerance. Third, increased independence for women.
And then the fourth being underlying issues, underlying emotional issues or relationship issues that had been there before menopause, perimenopause happening. So let's- get amplified. And they get amplified. So we're going to get started with the emotional and physical issues that happen with this time of life and why that is affecting our relationships. And the first one being irritability.
mood swings, of tolerance, low libido, you know, and all these things can be really, really hard on a marriage. And I know for me, I
didn't even realize what was happening. I was just feeling so short tempered, like anything my husband would say wrong or even right. And I would still get upset with him. It could be right. And I was still just, I was just so short fuse. And I would say, I would snap at him, but then I would feel instantly guilty or I would snap at him and he would snap back. And then it would end up in this quarrel unnecessarily because
I just was feeling punchy. It's not like I wanted to have a fight with them. I just was irritated and mad and I needed to put it on somebody. And you had no tolerance level either. Yeah. And you didn't know why. Yeah. And I would have to say, I want to add in there overwhelmed, always feeling overwhelmed by normal day to day things, being able to generally multitask many, many things at once. And then all of sudden,
you're doing two things and you can't do either of them right? Right? You can't do anything good anymore. always feeling so overwhelmed and upset. at yourself and on top of it I want to just add it throw in one more I feel like the brain fog and the memory like that. Very frustrating. the edge too because you don't know why.
Yeah, all of a sudden you're just like, where did my brain go? I can't remember what I did yesterday. I can't remember what I had for breakfast. And I definitely don't remember that you said that to me. Yes, exactly. I don't remember any of it. Yeah. And so you forget things and then you get blamed for well, why didn't you do it? I told you that and it just feels really bad. So you start feeling really bad about yourself. Your confidence level goes down. Yeah. And it's just this vicious cycle, a snowball effect of
you know, one thing after another after another and coupled with all these emotional, really legitimate and real things that are happening and then not knowing why. Yeah. I feel like that's the biggest thing is that you don't even understand why you're feeling this way and why things are shaking out the way that they are and why you feel like you're
the bad guy and nagging and everything is, your fault because you're forgetting everything. So it's just, hard place to be. It is. And you can start getting not only a lack of confidence, but I feel like it starts wearing on your, your mood. Oh, definitely. But I also think not only are you feeling bad about yourself when you explode, but I also remember feeling a lot of
Everybody's mean to me. I just felt like terrible I just felt like everybody was against me Do you ever feel like that like we're just like everybody's after me like why are they so mad at me? and I think it's no different than it was before we're just feeling it more. Yes, definitely feeling it more and I think that was really hard for me and so
I definitely feel like things really got rocky with my husband and I when I really was not aware of what was happening. And it wasn't until I had the awareness like, ⁓ like I'm changing. It's really not him. I'm changing. I need something different. And we had to work together where I had to basically tell him how to talk to me, what to say in those moments of like when he
when he sensed that I was highly irritable, I had to basically train him to not let me explode. And I know it sounds really ridiculous. And men out there, if you're listening, it is a real thing. Like men, you do need some help and training to understand this is a really tough thing. women don't...
fully understand what's happening to them. So it's really hard as a woman in the midst of it to train you on how to help her. And so I think it really comes down to some core understanding and grace for each other. And this time for sure. Yeah, a lot of understanding and grace like it is a really difficult time. And I think that that understanding and grace is a really big thing.
I know that I reached out to a therapist for a little bit of time and that can be helpful. But for me, what was the most helpful is talking to girlfriends and girlfriends that were going through some of the similar things that I was going through, I found that to be the most helpful. Because then you feel like you're not alone. Yes. And you feel more understood. And then eventually for myself, I started understanding through researching.
Mostly because all of a sudden I'm 45 and hot flashes are hitting and I'm missing a period and then another one and I didn't and I'm waking up at 2 a.m. And having a very hard time getting back sleep and I realized that's when something clicked but I still didn't connect the dots between that which is as I learned on my own with research this time called perimenopause that could be years and years and years until the actual you know
Menopause. didn't know what any of it was, truly. ⁓ And so really it was having to get a grasp on what is happening. And then you start realizing, ⁓ memory loss, brain fog, all of these things, irritability, mood swings. I've never been very moody. And all of sudden I'm just like...
The moodiest person in the room. right. Very emotional and well taking things personally, think. Yeah. Taking things. Whereas I could just kind of like let things roll off my shoulder and keep moving through my day. Not a big deal. But yeah, now I feel like everything is amplified 100 times. And I know why now though, and it just takes time to get, I think just wrap your head around it. But awareness is key.
Yeah, awareness is key. I definitely think awareness really helps. The next the next factor influencing menno divorce is loss of tolerance. So this is a big one. And I guess, for me, I didn't really realize I was in the thrust, the thrust of perimenopause until I started being very intolerant of these tiny little things that never bothered me before. All of a sudden, they're just like in my face, like neon flashing lights going
What? you know, things that you probably tolerated and had patience for. Absolutely. All of sudden are like the worst thing ever. Yeah. Like, for instance, my husband and I have been married for almost 22 years. And a couple of years ago, when my tolerance level really shifted, I noticed it when we were having dinner and I could not even hear anybody's words except my husband's chewing. I was like,
Does he not realize how irritating this is? He is so loud. Why does he chew this way? And I kept thinking these thoughts in my head. Of course, thank God, and I didn't repeat what I was thinking because it was of course super rude and my husband doesn't chew inappropriately. ⁓ But in the moment I was like, my gosh, why is this bugging me so much? And then maybe that causes a later, you know, like getting at him for something.
because you're just off. Yeah, you're just off. You're just irritated. Yeah. And it's just irritating. And so I think and sometimes, you know, us women will snap, you know, and say what, you know, unfortunately is going through our mind. And if we're all honest, the kind of go away. the filter goes away. And so that can lead to like, if I were to say those words to my husband, you know,
while we're having dinner with people and I actually voiced those opinions, just imagine how embarrassed and upset he would have been And I think what happens in this perimenopause time period is you start these fights of
ridiculousness because none of it really is a thing you just in your mind it feels like a big thing everything's amplified because we're in this constant state of overwhelm yeah and I think our stress is just like feeling amplified and so any little thing puts us over the edge yeah and then it gets into these little things and not having the patience or the tolerance for it
and feeling overwhelmed and the want and need for some independence and not being the person that always pick up people's shoes when they leave them at the door and put them where they belong. And so it's like this constant cycle of nagging and being the bad guy and snapping in moments where you're like, ⁓ I can't take it anymore. And all of a sudden you're upset about not.
washing off the dishes, right, or something. Yeah. And honestly, looking back, I feel so terrible about the times that I snapped. I still feel guilty about it because once I finally got my head on straight and I could have a little bit of perspective of the whole thing, because now I'm 50 and now I'm on HRT and now I can actually see clearly again, I feel terrible about some of the snappiness that I was with my husband. And I just
thankful that I didn't let my overwhelm in the constant Irritability ruin our relationship because it really could absolutely yeah these things seem so amplified these little things that as you're Doing something to pick up after them. You're just like I cannot do this anymore Yeah, you're just so thinking about yourself like again. Really? cannot believe this. Yeah, you're so at your limit. Yeah, but
What I realized also once I got my clear head is that the reason I was so awful to him, like throughout those first couple years when I didn't know what was going on is because he's my rock. And you know, our husbands are a person. And just like our kids give the mom their worst of them, like when they're having a bad day, we as wives give our husbands the worst of us when we're struggling. And mid-life time is
hard. And that is why we are awful to our husbands during this time. Not that it's fair. I'm not saying it's fair to them because you know, they've stuck by us and they're there. their fault. it's not our fault. It's neither. It's nobody's fault. No, but I'm saying this because they are our rock and ladies who are in the thick of it. And if you're if you're so upset with your husband right now, and you're just like ready to throw in the towel because you just
You can't believe he's not changing. Well, I encourage you just to take a little bit more time, take some grace, give him some grace and maybe take some time to explain to him in detail of how much you're struggling and give him the benefit of the doubt that he will be there for you, that he will try to talk to you the way you need to be talked to, saying the words that might uplift you or just be a shoulder for you to cry on.
Yeah, I think it's all about clear communication at this point, letting them know now that you know, letting maybe doing some research and gathering some information or maybe even letting him listen to this episode. Who knows? Like whatever that thing is for you to help give you the words to communicate what's happening so that he can understand. And I think that that understanding really does create a good foundation to move forward on.
And it's all about just being honest and clear and maybe setting some boundaries. If you're feeling like you need a little bit more independence, because at this time in life, that's one of the things is that we start feeling like we want to be a little bit more independent and be, or maybe put ourselves first, put ourselves first when we're, we and our families are not used to that. Our husbands, our children, they're not really used to that. So you have to understand, you know, help them understand.
why you're all of a sudden wanting to go to a yoga class or go on a walk with a friend on the beach But I also think this need for our independence also comes because in midlife our children are almost raised completely and it's this time and opportunity for us to prioritize us for the first time in many years and I know for myself,
I felt very selfless, you know, like trying to put my husband and my kids in my household first before me all the time for so long that when I hit this time period, was like, it was like a red flashing sign, like now is the time, now is the time, like you need to put yourself as a priority. And it feels weird. Yeah, it really feels awkward. And I think that they kind of freak out a little bit too. think so too. I think, but it's a force, don't you agree? It's like a
force within yourself, you cannot deny it. is something that it is like it has to be. And that's why I think, and we talk about all the time how self care isn't, isn't a luxury anymore in midlife. is, it is a must. It is a necessity. You have to start taking care of yourself, whether it's just self care or it's prioritizing yourself or maybe putting your, you know, your time, your career, maybe on the front burner for the first time.
and putting yourself first a little bit. But I also want to encourage you to know that you can still have it all. It doesn't have to be you or them. It can be all of it. And you can just change yourself amongst your family situation as opposed to leaving your family situation. Right, exactly. You don't have to completely isolate yourself.
It's all about communicating and setting clear boundaries, think is really important too. I'm still in that place where I'm wrapping my head around all of this and it takes them some time. Like you have to reintroduce the ideas,
Couple different times. Multiple times and just remind, gently remind. Sometimes it's not so gentle, but try to be gentle. Yeah. Because it is frustrating and it's like hard. So try not to have an edge around it. I know I've gone through phases of, being able to explain it calmly and then there's moments where I'm like...
look this is just really ⁓ you know don't be so hard on me and I kind of break down a little bit and so try to take the emotion out of it and do it at a time where you can be clear and calm and just setting boundaries for your time and your energy in a way that isn't you know gonna feel foreign to them and uncomfortable but just and also
It has to feel good for you too. So it takes time. I'm still figuring it out myself. This is like kind of a messy time where everybody just has to, have a little bit more tolerance for each other and for the process. And as long as everybody understands though, I think that's the message that we're trying to really get across here is that, you just need to be clear in your communication.
And then we can, and especially if there are underlying problems that are now feeling amplified because of all of these emotions that you're having, it might be time to, like a therapist together or independently. so there are different things that you can do, but I also feel not taking this time and just thinking, Oh, I'm gonna get everybody. Yeah.
get through it, everybody away. Like that's not necessarily, we want to preserve our marriage. We want to preserve our relationship. And so part of that is, you know, taking a step back and learning how to, you know, care for your own health and get yourself feeling better again. ⁓ Whether that's doing things to regulate your nervous system.
Maybe some breath work or meditation or yoga or Tai Chi or walks. Yeah, we do that. Yeah, those are all great things. Yeah, and I think it's interesting that not a lot of people or doctors even talk about you know, it's such a shift when we become a mother, you know, our brain chemistry changes, we change, but the becoming a mother is so involved that we we just assume it's going to be a lot of change. But because there's not a child,
coming into the world during this time, for some reason, we don't see it as that big of a change, but it's just as big of a change, if not even bigger, because now, instead of a child being born, ourself is, is really kind of being born again as well. Like a new, better version of ourselves. new version, like 2.0. I promise. Yeah, exactly. And so, yeah, we really want women to thrive during this time and not just survive. And so,
reaching out to a therapist or a friend or a friend group or somebody that supports you through this difficult time or your husband's ladies like really they are there and they do want to understand I do believe that and if you're still married they're they're there for you they are they are they are they are yeah yeah so they want to be and I think that they just
They have no clue, just like you, maybe before listening to this episode, just don't know what's Yeah, no clue at all. hopefully this episode has given you a little bit more clarity.
Thank you so much for joining us today. We hope that we gave you some insight to help you with your relationship problems and we look forward to chatting with you again sometime soon.
Jessica Franklin (20:20)
Thanks for being part of her Health Code community. Your voice matters here. Take a minute to subscribe so you can continue decoding your health with us. And if you found this helpful, please do share with a friend and leave us a quick review on Apple or any platform that you listen in on. It supports us in sharing this information with more women like you. And if you're wanting a little bit more one-on-one guidance, I would love the chance to support you more deeply, whether you're looking for clarity, accountability, or just a health plan that actually fits your life.
I'm here to help. Just come visit me at lovingyourwellness.com. And if you're a woman in midlife wanting to rebuild your health through a holistic lens, whether you're navigating fatigue, overwhelmed, detox needs, or the desire to feel more aligned, I love to work with you. You can find my email at livelightly.eco or check out The Live Lightly Podcast for more wellness inspiration. Now, before we say goodbye, just a quick disclaimer.
The information shared on this podcast is only for educational purposes and not for medical advice. We are not medical doctors and this content is not a substitute for professional medical care. Definitely not. We encourage you to consult your health care provider before making any changes to your diet, lifestyle or wellness routine, especially if you have a medical condition or taking any medication. By listening, you are acknowledged that you are responsible for your own health choices and we are honored to be part of your wellness journey. Thank you again for joining us.