Setbacks and Hitting the "Reset" Button

Today's conversation started with one little question: what does it mean to hit the "reset button" when things don't go our way? 

Setbacks are hard. Keeping it all together, while trying to be great parents for our kids, growing businesses, dating, and going after personal goals... it can be messy.

Carmel and Lindsay have a lot to say about this - especially since taking a few weeks off of the podcast. We're back and committed to a third season here for you. 

This one's not an interview. It's the two of us catching up on some big lessons we've learned this year -- and in our 10+ years as single parents. 

We talk about: 

• What to do when a longstanding co-parenting agreement no longer fits
• Making time for dating and slowing down enough to nurture a relationship
• Setbacks we’ve both faced lately and the self-care strategies we turn to
• Getting past mental blocks and going after what we want in life
• The sometimes-hard reality of feeling isolated or lonely as a single parent
• What saying "yes" to our goals looks like in the long term

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Creators & Guests

Host

Carmel Ecker

Co-host of Single & Mighty

Host

Lindsay Carlson

Co-host of Single & Mighty

What is Single & Mighty: Build a great life after divorce or separation?

You can build a powerful (and fun!) life after divorce or separation. Hosts Carmel Ecker and Lindsay Carlson are here to bring you real-life stories and hard-earned lessons, so you can have the motivation, clarity and community you need to thrive as a single parent. Whether you're co-parenting, parenting alone, or your kids no longer live at home -- this show is for you.

For single moms, single dads, single parents, co-parents, solo parents, and those who care about them. Join us to hear about entrepreneurship, financial independence, dating, remarriage and step-parenting, blended families, going back to school, growing your career, co-parenting schedules, leaving domestic abuse, finding adult friends, solo travel, creating fun in your life, and more.

Carmel Ecker 00:00
Welcome to single and mighty, the podcast for single parents leaning mighty lives. I'm Carmel Ecker. And I'm here with Lindsay Carlson. Hi, Lindsey.

Lindsay Carlson 00:10
Okay, Carmel, I'm excited to do this show, we're beginning we're heading into our next season season three. And I'm just bubbling over with all the things I want us to talk about this year.

Carmel Ecker 00:23
I'm super excited about launching a third season, when we started this, it was, I don't know if we can figure this out. And now you know, we're going into a third season how I mean, it just keeps going. Somehow, we've managed to do it off the side of our desks with kids and work and all this other stuff. So I just feel amazing that we're, we're still doing this.

Lindsay Carlson 00:46
Me too. Me too. I think it's really that that vision that you and I were just talking about, that's been pulling us forward. And how tired we just got 10 years or more of being single parents, and really putting our lives together feeling like, you know, bring it on world we can we can do whatever you throw at us. And then seeing this society, the narrative out in society that really is limited when it comes to single parents. There's no great examples really to look for in movies or pop culture. On the whole. It's a little disappointing out there people. Yeah,

Carmel Ecker 01:25
I wouldn't say there are none. There are a few but they're they're few and far between. and And I think our whole reason for starting this was like we should see more of these stories and, and real stories, not, you know, not just in movies, but real people's stories of success, of perseverance of an even have it being not so frickin hard.

Lindsay Carlson 01:53
Why not so easy. Like sometimes you just want to know that you're not the only one who is totally struggling right now. Absolutely. I've loved some of those stories that we've had to

Carmel Ecker 02:02
Yeah, yeah. And there are so many of them out there. I'm, the more that I talk about being a single parent, the more I discover people who are also single parents, and it's just, it blows me away. How many of us there are and I never, I didn't realize it before. Just just the volume of us. We are there are so many of us. We

Lindsay Carlson 02:26
are an army? Yeah, well, the thing is, if half of all marriages actually end in divorce. That means there's an awful lot of people who go through this shared experience. And I don't think we talk about it all that much. It's kind of grit your teeth, you're going to have to go through this, hopefully, you'll get married again sooner, you won't have to be a single parent for long. But I think there's a lot of us that find there's an entire lifestyle, if we slow things down, and really get to know who we are and how we want to do things in our lives before, you know, rushing on to the next the next touchpoint Mm hmm. Yeah,

Carmel Ecker 03:02
we there's a there's an amazing opportunity here. If we're open to it.

Lindsay Carlson 03:07
Yeah, yeah. So with the today, what we really wanted to talk about was kind of like the stops and starts that a lot of us go through in life and getting really excited about something and working hard on it and hunkering down. And then maybe having that time when we feel oh, gosh, it dropped the ball or there's a massive setback or like, how do you recover from that, or even just your mood changes about something? And it can be I think it can be hard because if you're a single parent and you're on your own, you don't necessarily have another adult who is in the in the trenches with you beside you on a regular basis, giving you those positive messages, helping you see the big picture helping you see how great you are. And it kind of opens things up for those negative little voices that are just going to talk shit in your head at you. So

Carmel Ecker 04:10
yes, yes, yes. Yes, they're, they're there. And they're there for everybody. Right? Like, let's not pretend that single parents are the only ones who are dealing with these voices. We all get in our own little pity party of oh, this, you know, it's my, it's my circumstances or there's something wrong with me, or, you know, this person made my life miserable, or, you know, we can get into those into those thought patterns. It's so it's so easy when things are that much harder, which let's face it, being a single parent does come with certain I don't, I don't wanna say guaranteed challenges, but there's a there's a common experience that we're all facing, right? We are essentially doing this alone. And yet we're not alone. We don't we don't have to be alone. If that makes sense, and I'm not talking about romantic partnerships, right? It's like just tapping into different resources than we were before. Right. So maybe relying more on friends or relying more on family or looking at community resources or seeking out other single parents for camaraderie and commiseration. And do I have another C word in their

Lindsay Carlson 05:32
unity community? There we go. Yeah, yeah, I love it. So true. And just asking, being okay with asking for help, which is also a little bit against our culture at times. But um, yeah, letting letting your guard down. I realized a couple years ago after I think it was during COVID. So a little bit ago now, after being a single parent for about a decade, I, I was like, You know what I am so mean to myself, I say all these negative things to myself, and I picked my appearance apart, because that's how I grew up to seeing someone else do that. And there is no one else to tell me, I don't need to do that. I shouldn't do that, that, you know, maybe, oh, hey, you're beautiful. Never happened for a good decade. Or I suddenly realize my goodness, it's, I'm being quite abusive towards myself. And if I don't stop that, then why the heck did I get out of an abusive relationship? Okay, that's, that's a little flighty. But seriously, we can't continue even that relationship that we have with ourselves if, if we're not supporting ourselves. Well, yeah.

Carmel Ecker 06:49
And so important. Yeah. And I mean, if you're talking to yourself that way, how can you expect anyone else to speak to you differently? Yeah, right. I think the more cuz, you know, we have this habit of looking for what's familiar or what or for things experiences, people that reaffirm our beliefs about ourselves. And so if what we're telling ourselves is, oh, you're not that good looking. Or, Oh, you're not that talented. Or you're always going to be alone, you're going to create relationships, or situations where those things get reflected back to you.

Lindsay Carlson 07:27
Yeah, your thoughts are so powerful. I've been loving listening to. I used to think it was really cheesy, but I've been loving listening to aphorisms on Insight Timer, kind of on a daily basis now, where I feel like I'm in a good place, but it just helps me stay in a good place. As a regular practice, yeah, a few of those little things in journaling, to just kind of to, to build that relationship with yourself.

Carmel Ecker 07:55
I think affirmations can be really powerful. I've never been super keen on them, not because I think there's anything wrong with them. It just kind of, I was like, I don't know, I don't know if I do the affirmation thing. But but then I recorded my own affirmations. So I recorded things that felt real for me, and I would play them in the morning. So it when it was like, I don't know, 30 seconds or a minute. And it was a really powerful exercise for me to hear my own voice saying things that I believed that were positive. And just really set myself up in a good way for the day ahead.

Lindsay Carlson 08:37
Love that. So

Carmel Ecker 08:41
I just I don't know, you know, for anyone who's like affirmations, I feel you. And yeah, yeah. Maybe it's a matter of creating your own because the ones that are out there are just kind of not doing it for Yeah,

Lindsay Carlson 08:55
yeah. Yeah, I love that. I think I found some that I really vibe with. I'm talking like my 22 year old. But the idea of doing your own is great, too. I know that when he started running a couple of years ago, I started running again. I made a whole list of reasons why I love running and I popped it up on my wall. And it was it was helpful because sometimes those were hard to remember when it's raining out or you feel like you don't want to get your self in gear. So

Carmel Ecker 09:29
absolutely. So one of the things we were going to talk about today is hitting that reset button and dealing well I guess maybe it's the other way around dealing with dealing with setbacks and hitting the reset button. And I I've been thinking about this whole idea of hitting the reset button. Because I think we do it more than we realize and in big ways and More. And we have the capacity to hit that reset button at any time, for any reason. And it's just a really powerful practice. And like you were talking about, you know, those negative messages that we, that we let circle swirl around in our head. And at any point, we have the power to like, kind of snap our fingers and say, Okay, enough of that bullshit. Enough of that. That's not helping me. What's the message I want to give myself instead? Or what's something I kind I can do for myself right now. What's something fun I really enjoy that can just like push these nasty little Gremlins out of my head so that I can, you know, start fresh.

Lindsay Carlson 10:50
I love that. It reminds me of building that relationship with yourself. And those are kind of, you know, when the rubber meets the road? What are the practices that you're going to use to to that? I really liked that. And

Carmel Ecker 11:04
yeah, I'm curious, how do you? How do you set the reset, or push the reset button?

Lindsay Carlson 11:12
This is something I keep working on. And it's interesting, because I look back over the past years. And I think all the different, you know, moments and milestones that I look back at and I think wow, I have just kept growing. I have grown and grown and grown and all those points when I thought I was done. No, I've just had little evolutions all some good, some not so good. But yeah, it's so fascinating. I do think there's a big part of it. That's discipline. It's like what you were saying, like choosing your thoughts and deciding at some point that, okay, nothing's going to change if I don't change anything. I had a client once he used to say, nothing changes if nothing changes. Yeah, right. Yeah. And so actually, parenting yourself a little bit like, Okay, I am the adult in my life, maybe. And I'm going to set some structure for myself. And if I find myself, indulging, that's fine. And feel your feelings. It's not that. But I'm also going to make sure that I'm not just wallowing or, you know, sitting in failure. I had a quote the other day that failure is part of success. Oh, the opposite of success. Yes. I thought that was brilliant. And I wish I could remember who said it,

Carmel Ecker 12:34
there's, there's a similar one that's like, failure is just oh, gosh, I'm gonna screw it up. But it's the idea is that like, success is just further down the road from failure. So failure is is not something that it's not a separate path from success. They're on the same road. It's just that you might hit failure first. And then we'll see. Yeah, and only by continuing on the path. Will you ever get to success? If you stop every time you fail? You it's almost impossible to get to success. Exactly. Yeah. And I think this ties in everything, like it's not just careers, right? Like, it's, it's, you know, deciding what kind of parent do you want to be? What kind of friend do you want to be and you'll have a failure where you just totally screw up. And you are not at your best you don't parent your child in a way in the way that you really, genuinely want to, you maybe say something that's unkind. And so like, that's failure, right? And a little bump, it's a little bump, and then you get to say, oh, you know, learn from that, you know, we have this negativity bias, we learn better from negative events than we do from positive. So we actually learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. So, you know, take that, that experience and go, Oh, you know, I don't want that to happen again. What can I do? How can I remember this for next time? How can I show up differently? What's going on for me right now that I behaved this way, which is out of line with who I want to be? Did I get enough sleep? Did I eat enough food? Like, am I hangry I get hangry my boyfriend always knows when I need to eat. He's like, Oh, you're getting hangry here's some food.

Lindsay Carlson 14:33
But but but I love that because you just said someone else does that for you. And when we have another person that we're in relationship with, yes, that can be a wonderful part of it. When we don't we have to remember to be that for ourselves. It's like that level of caring for yourself where you're, oh gosh, I'm acting like a, you know, a Henry bar commercial. Yeah, and stepping in and saying I need a man In it, and that's really hard. But I think it's so important when we're doing this on our own.

Carmel Ecker 15:06
Yeah, yeah. Because it does require that you are aware, self aware, even when you're in relationship with somebody else in someone else's checking, you still have to be self aware, because it can be easy to get pissy with them and shut up. If nobody asks you, I don't need your judgment, blah, blah, blah, you know, and but being able to go, Oh, you're right, I think I am hangry. I think I need to eat something, and then I'll probably feel better. And this, this, whatever happened, won't be an issue anymore. Like, it'll be a molehill instead of the mountain that I've made it out to be.

Lindsay Carlson 15:42
Yeah. And that's very evolved and self aware to get to that point where you don't just snap back at someone. So that's a journey of its own. Yeah, yeah.

Carmel Ecker 15:52
Which might feel really good in the moment. But over, you know, a minute later, you just feel really bad for snapping at that person, or whatever you happen to do. Yeah.

Lindsay Carlson 16:04
And then you have to deal with the setback and go back and, and rebuild that little fissure in your relationship. Yeah. And trust that and make sure that your relationship is still strong and important. Yeah.

Carmel Ecker 16:16
Yeah. Yeah. And the other thing that I think about when I think about studying, hitting the reset button is like, how, you know, how we live our lives. And, you know, we might have these ambitions, these goals, and the person that we are isn't the person that we need to be in order to do those things. And reminding ourselves that we can look we can, we can become whoever we want. And we might need to hit a reset button in order to be able to do that.

Lindsay Carlson 16:51
Oh, say more about that.

Carmel Ecker 16:54
So, this really comes down to behaviors. So say I'm, I'm wanting to, okay, I'll use a very personal example, I've my body is complaining. Because I've been over the past year, I did a lot of mountain biking, which is actually a really, it can be really hard on the body. And I have not done pretty much any yoga, anything to counter act, I mean, you can do stretching whatever you want. Because not the only thing I just like yoga. But I haven't been doing it in order to counteract what mountain biking does to my body. And so I'm building this persona of myself, as someone who is not taking care of my body. I am I am someone who is not taking care of my body. And so I really need to hit the reset button on that and go, I am someone who can take care of my body. I'm someone who wants to take care of my body. And and progress to I am someone who does take care of my body. Right? It's kind of like those affirmations that we were talking about earlier, where you say what's true for you now, you know, like in the positive. And so if I can't say I am fit and healthy right now, maybe I can say, I want to be fit and healthy. And progress to the point where or I have the capacity to be fit and healthy. Right, right. And you can leave, right? You're saying I have to believe what you're saying, right? So you can progress to the point of I am fit and healthy. So I'm working on progressing myself. I'm saying no, I am. I am that person. Yeah, like I've had a yoga practice in the past. So I have evidence that I can be that person. I just need to start doing the things that I already know how to do.

Lindsay Carlson 18:57
So interesting.

Carmel Ecker 18:59
Yeah. So I actually joined the local I love my friend Tanya, she's a yoga instructor. And she teaches at the local why. She says, Come with me, come with me. And she says, uh, you know, you can just come and try out the class and see and she's a wonderful teacher. And so I finally was like, Okay, I'm getting over all of my stuff. It's in the evening, namings, leaving my son at home for a couple of hours. And I'm like, You know what, he's 12 he's fine. He'll be fine for for a couple of hours while I go and I take care of myself and I do this thing for me. So I have started the practice and I'm moving in that direction but it just takes giving myself permission. Sorry, this has been a really long winded explanation but or example but I have I have given myself permission to go out in the evening after dinner once my you know and leave my son to his own devices. He's fine and do the thing that I know is really healthy for me.

Lindsay Carlson 19:58
Yeah, yeah. I love that. Also, he's not just fine. He is like, so excited walking around eating Doritos or going through the fridge on his own devices. So excited that he doesn't have mom telling him to get off. Like, I just remember my older kids saying, you know why it's so fun to be home alone? You know, we're not talking about like, all the time, but Oh, my goodness, we got to give them that too. It's okay. It's okay for us. And it's good for them. Yeah, yeah, it's that

Carmel Ecker 20:30
independence. Right? That, yeah, they're fine. And I have no problem leaving my son at home by himself. It's just, I mean, I'm not I'm not 100% sure what the mental block is that I just, you know, I always want to be mindful that I'm not just running off and doing my own thing that he's, you know, that he's got someone here most of the time. And, and also, like, it's good for him to spend time by himself. And

Lindsay Carlson 20:56
to see that his mom prioritizes her health and wellness and happiness.

Carmel Ecker 21:02
Yes, that's the other piece, right is that I'm, you know, it's also me modeling, how to take care of myself, right, so that he knows that he can give himself permission to take care of himself, be it physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever, whatever arena, he needs to do that in. And

Lindsay Carlson 21:23
one day, he may be a parent, maybe a single parent or not. And he may be up against that wall that we're all up against, where I have so much on my plate, and I don't think I can get away from any of it at all. And then he can think, Oh, my goodness, my mom used to on purpose, make time for not just mountain biking, but also for the things that supported her when she was mountain biking. Yeah, so good. Yeah. Yeah. So

Carmel Ecker 21:48
so we just we can hit the reset button with how we what we believe about ourselves. And that opens a gateway to actually taking action. I

Lindsay Carlson 22:01
love that story. It's so good. Yeah, and I think about modeling, and there's just so many things that we do in our lives that, I don't know, for me, at least over the years, I've done things more thinking that it's good for the kids were actually it might have been better for the kids, if I had let go a little bit of the control and just done what was right for me, because they would have seen that example, specifically when thing and this is kind of inserting, but just thinking like one of the specific things that I wish I had been more comfortable doing when the kids were little was dating other people and having, you know, those kinds of close relationships around me because when they had no other parent, but even if they had another parent showing them the examples of those relationships, even if they're not a forever relationship, but it's respectful, and it's a friend that you bring around, and there's affection. You know, I used to be really uncomfortable with my kids knowing I was dating someone at first. And yeah, it's just, it's really interesting. I'm dating somebody who's wonderful, in case you're listening. And I've just been rethinking that whole thing a lot. And what I really want my kids to get out of it is to see an example of mom being happy and mom doing things that are good for me. So, and

Carmel Ecker 23:21
and healthy relationship. Yeah, right. Yes. Because your kids in particular saw, you know, a lot of years of unhealthy, unhealthy relationship, right. So, like, you're talking about the modeling, you have this wonderful opportunity to model something different.

Lindsay Carlson 23:41
Uh huh. And that never would happen. If I couldn't change my thinking about myself and who I think I am. I could have always thought, yep, I'm just someone who stays away from relationships, or someone who doesn't need relationships, that's an easy one to

Carmel Ecker 24:00
fall into. That is, that's a really good one, right? It's, I mean, a classic way of avoiding, you know, possibly getting hurt, or, you know, not having to deal with the fear that you're gonna get in the same situation. Again, you know, another relate, whether it's abusive, or it's just another relationship, that doesn't work. You can put this little set of armor around you that's like, oh, I don't need a relationship. And you know what? Maybe you actually don't, like I'll grant it to you don't need a relationship. But that doesn't mean it isn't nice to be in one that is healthy and functional, and that support you being authentically you and living the kind of life that you want to live.

Lindsay Carlson 24:46
Yeah, yeah. And it's a it's a total mindset shift to go from. For me it was I thought it was kind of in the place where I was ready for it. For me it showed up in how much time I was able to make for a relationship. Yep, I looking back at some of our conversations when I couldn't sleep this week. And I was like, oh my goodness, for a very long time, I really dragged my feet on this one and just couldn't figure out how to make an evening free or cutting figure out how to make plans ahead of time for a weekend, I just, like I just couldn't, there was this block around making time for someone else. And so I, on the one side, I was saying, oh, I want this relationship or I want a relationship. On the other side, it wasn't doing the things that would make it possible. And now it's just kind of it's funny, because it's kind of the opposite. It's very easy to make time for someone when you want them in your life. But it takes a little bit of practice to get to that point. Yeah,

Carmel Ecker 25:42
yeah. And those mental blocks can come up when you're looking at maybe changing, say, a co parenting situation, which is something I'm managing right now, there are some things that I'm looking at, maybe could change. And in the back of my mind, I've got this, oh, but this is the way it's always been. And I've, I've told myself a story, that he's not going to be open to changing it. He's not going to be open to this, that. And the other thing, when I have zero evidence to that effect, he's never said, I'm not open to changing things, I really need things to stay the way they are. And so, like, for me, there's there's a mental block there. And again, like I'm looking at it and trying to figure out, why is this here? Where's this coming from? I need to write in a new belief. I need to hit the reset button on that belief, so that I can create a situation that you know, will maybe be better for both above all three of us, all four of us, I guess, that are involved in this scenario right now. Yeah, so it's amazing. And we we don't we don't always see that the block is there. Right? We just feel that, oh, I can't do that. I can't ask for that. I can't suggest that. I can't change that. You know, whatever the whatever the message is that's coming through. Yeah. And then you feel like, like in for me, when I think about it. It's like there's this tightness and discomfort that comes along with that, because I'm anticipating a difficult conversation when in fact, it might not be difficult at

Lindsay Carlson 27:32
all. And if it's difficult, you can handle it. 100%

Carmel Ecker 27:36
you can trust yourself. Yeah, yeah. But again, coming back to then nothing changes. If nothing changes. Yeah, you won't know if that change is possible. If you never broach the subject. If you never change if you never make the suggestion. Yeah, the change is never, never going to happen.

Lindsay Carlson 27:58
I love that. And it makes me think of this thing I learned from our guests. Last season, we had a guest Karina reads, and she was fantastic relationship coach. And she recommended a couple of books. And I've actually read one of them a couple of times it was so it was such an interesting framework. It's called unbound A Woman's Guide to power you. I haven't read that one yet. It's so good. Really interesting. The woman who wrote it used to be a dominatrix, and also a Taoist nun. So she has this really interesting understanding of interpersonal dynamics. And that's what it's really all about. Yeah, yeah, wild, wild combination. But we haven't the things she talks about is how, especially women sorry, men, we are not socialized to be in touch with what we want to be in touch with our desires. And then once we know what those are, we're too scared to ask for them anyways. But one of the exercises was, create a list of all the things you could ask, you know, create a list of five guys in your life that you know, or don't even know very well, and just create this crazy list of all the things that you could ask them for. I want you to take me to Europe, I want you to go deep sea diving with me, I want you to, you know, like whatever pay for my kids wedding. I just create this obscene list. And just like let it go. And it's really interesting what comes out of that when you're not trying to block yourself from wanting things or stop yourself from asking things because you're telling yourself these stories that you're not, you know, it's asking too much. You're, you know, the other person doesn't want to change just like what if we did let go of all that baggage? Yeah, some of the stories she tells it pretty cool. Yeah.

Carmel Ecker 29:50
And so often it comes down to self worth. And we don't even know it because often we think oh no, I like I totally have self worth, I feel like I've I don't have self confidence issues, I might get nervous in certain situations, but like I value myself, but when we really look at our behaviors and what we're how we are being in relation to other people, you dig under the surface, and you're like, oh,

Lindsay Carlson 30:20
oh,

Carmel Ecker 30:23
I was in I was in a coaching session with a colleague the other day. And I was so surprised at what came out. And the the words that came out of my mouth, after we'd been talking a while was my experience matters. And I was like, I believe that. And yet, what the behaviors that were showing up in my Yep, in my life, were not reflecting that. Right. And so I just needed to see that, that those that there was an incongruency there, you know, in order to bring that phrase out that go, Oh, my experience does matter in this situation. And the people pleaser in me is saying that it doesn't not really, even though I've done quite a bit of work on my people pleaser, and it is way less powerful than it used to be like, holy moly, I hate to use a cliche, but the doormat, man, I was a super duper doormat, right? And so that's shifted, and yet, it's still there. It's just maybe a little more hidden, more tucked away. A little trickier, a little trickier. And so I'm like going, you know, we got to dig down another layer and see what's there. So that I can shift what's happening in my life. Yeah, that's, that's not working for me. It's so

Lindsay Carlson 31:53
I feel like we have such similar things that come up sometimes. It's really great. That makes me think about how you talk a lot about asking for help, and how I've always, yes, I know, you should ask for help. But that's a really hard one for me. And maybe I'll just skip over that one feels like that's a people pleaser thing, too, for sure. But, yeah, yeah, even just sort of in my life. Lately, I've asked for help in some pretty big ways. And, you know, just send the text that I like, just Okay, fine. And I've had people step up for me, in ways that I never would have thought before like asking professional friends for their professional advice or their time on something. I had a legal issue come up that was really not big. And I have a friend who's an amazing family law practitioner, family lawyer, and has heard I there was this huge flag in my head that says you don't ask you don't ask your lawyer friend for anything to do with legal advice. But I you know, I questioned it. I was like, you know, you don't have to? Would you mind taking a look at something for me, and it's completely okay, if not even understand it, that's crossing the boundaries. I wanted her to feel like it wouldn't matter. But she was more than happy. And it was very little ask, I wasn't asking for a big thing. But in the past, to me asking for help, always felt like well, maybe you should get people over to your place to help you go through your old boxes, or like I could never figure out what to ask for help about and that was a block. And yet, I think I've just been more in touch with my needs and my wants, and being able to ask for help on these things that just sort of terror, like my stories in my head wouldn't have even considered that that was a possible thing to ask for previously. So Well, I

Carmel Ecker 33:44
think there's a little bit of needing to reframe how we asked for help. And I think we've touched on this before, right? Like you and I don't know what what stage but it was like early when grocery deliveries were just kind of becoming visible be pre pandemic, you were way ahead of the curve. And even that is kind of asking, like, it's getting help, yes, you're paying for it. But you're getting help you're making your life easier. So sometimes getting help is you know, asking someone for a favor. And sometimes it's saying, You know what, this is going to make my life easier. Yes, it's going to cost me a little bit of money, but the benefit is going to far exceed the expense that I'm shelling out for it right.

Lindsay Carlson 34:31
Because your experience matters.

Carmel Ecker 34:33
Yeah, yes. played when

Lindsay Carlson 34:41
I had that went up my sleeve. But it's kind of true. It's like when you finally get to the point where you can say yeah, it matters how my life is it matters how my days go. I'm not just here to clean up diapers and you know, get the groceries and earned the income to support my kids or it's not just those things, you're here as a whole human being. And just because your marriage isn't still going on does not mean, your experience here isn't important.

Carmel Ecker 35:16
Yeah, yeah. Because a lot of times we will put our kids first. And so it becomes, well, everything gets done for the kids and my experience. Well, that's secondary, like when I can squeeze stuff in for myself. Okay. But, you know, there's two, two things that I would say to that one, yes, your experience matters, your joy matters, your enjoyment of this life matters. And the second part of it is that you're going to be a better parent, you're going to be a better friend, you're going to be a better human. If you're doing things that fill up your cup. Yeah. Yeah, doing things that make life easier for you so that you have more energy and more time and more joy, and, you know, all of these things. We are, we're not an island. You know, what we do? How we are impact everyone around us. So if we're not happy, we're actually bringing them down. Yeah, so if you need an argument, yeah. If you need an argument about you know, that's about others, and not just because your experience matters. There it is, right there for you. And

Lindsay Carlson 36:33
love it. Yeah. And it kind of goes full circle back to this whole, like picking up the ball again and running with it after a setback? And how do you get back on top of things like it? I think a lot of it is like, What is the vision for your life? And are you able to come up with what you truly want and need in your life? And maybe why are you why are you not putting that on the front burner? Why is that not so important to you? And then when you realize that you matter? You know, that can be a little easier to get back on top of things. Yeah,

Carmel Ecker 37:07
yeah, yeah. And what you said just so resonated with me, there's a project that's been sitting on my backburner for the better part of a year, and I, I'm making a commitment right now, in my life to like, making progress on that I don't, I'm not worried about how long it takes. I just want to be making progress on it, because it's just been sitting there. And it's something I really want to do. And yet, there's, you know, I'm letting other things take priority, and I'm never making space for an answer. It's kind of like the yoga thing, right? I just haven't been making space for that. And so it's like, well, what if I made space for that? Yeah. What's the experience that I want to have of my life? And does this feed into that? Exactly?

Lindsay Carlson 38:03
Yeah. Yeah. Because the other side of that, is, we have to be careful. Because we can do so many things. But we can't do everything. Yes, we have to choose. And so I think it really is that vision for your life and understanding what you really deeply down like want, absolutely, that can help you edit out the things that are just taking your time and taking your space, but don't lead you to that to that big

Carmel Ecker 38:30
vision. Yeah, and I think a great way to figure out like what it is, I mean, a you need to give yourself space to just like, sit and dream or whatever, like whatever it may be, it's sitting by the ocean or a river or in the mountains or just curling up, you know, with a book or some music in your breakfast nook, or whatever your space is, like, giving yourself space to think about, what do I want? Because a lot of us just don't, we don't really make the space.

Lindsay Carlson 39:10
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So remember, your experience really, really matters. And that means you need to make the space to even know what you want. And then when you hit a setback, is it a setback? Because it's not important to you? It's not part of your vision. And maybe that's the time to let go and say no more if it's something that deeply matters to you. Yeah. Then value yourself enough to give it to yourself? Yeah.

Carmel Ecker 39:38
What's the hell yeah. And what's a no, that's a great metric that I think that's from Mark Manson. And there may be other people that have used it as well. But is it a hell? If it's not a hell? Yeah. Then it's a no. Yeah, you know, so give yourself the space and then like, what, what does it make you feel when you think about achieving that thing? or, you know, going on that trip or writing that book? Or, you know, whatever it is that you you've got cooking away in your brain and your heart. What's the feeling that comes up? When you think about doing that? achieving that? Whatever it is, and your body will tell you. If it's a hell yeah or no. And

Lindsay Carlson 40:21
we can definitely talk about that body thing. I think that's a whole show on its own. Oh, yeah, a lot of us. A lot of us lose connection. And don't worry, there are things that you can learn to drop back into your body and understand. Yeah, but you're right. I love that the hell yeah. And then knowing the full body knowing absolutely, yeah. And you know what that brings us back, because we're kind of hitting the end of the hour. Er,

Carmel Ecker 40:43
I can't believe that I

Lindsay Carlson 40:44
thought, like a 30 minute. Oh, yeah, we'll

Carmel Ecker 40:47
do a little 30 minute chat.

Lindsay Carlson 40:49
Yeah, I love it. It's always good to get into this stuff with your karma. Yeah. And I just wanted to say like, that brings us back to this podcast. So we have been doing the podcast for a while, it took us a lot of planning a lot of figuring out, you know, one step in front of the other. But we have stayed so committed to it, and so excited about it. And I just feel like, we had a couple of setbacks. And it slowed us down at the end of our last season. And you're launching again, because I think for both of us, this community, and you our listeners, you are a priority. You are a hell yeah. In our lives. Yes. Oh, I love that.

Carmel Ecker 41:30
It's so true. It's so true. Like when we when we first launched this, we were both really excited about changing the narrative around single parenting, providing tips, but also just inspiring stories of people who don't fit that, you know, negative image of what it is to be a single parent. And I think I feel like we're doing that we've been doing that. And I want to, I really want to continue doing that. We're hitting the reset button a little bit because we had a bigger break than we planned on because our lives got busy. And yet when we touched base on it, there was this very committed sense between the two of us of like, well, we don't want to stop this. We want to keep the train going. So let's just pick up where we left off and and do what we need. We already know what we need to do. So let's just do it.

Lindsay Carlson 42:24
Yeah, absolutely. I love it. We are podcasters. Yeah, I love it, and so much more when we get letters and emails and comments from listeners and reviews on the podcast, which actually are really hard to get. So you guys, if you are enjoying this, please leave a review. It will help us so much to keep going and keep impacting other people. But yeah, hearing from other people that have listened to the show and connected with some of the things we've talked about and some of the guests has been has really helped light that fire and keep us going as well. So thanks to those of you who write in.

Carmel Ecker 42:57
Yeah, yes, thank you. We really appreciate it. echoed accolades and positive affirmations. External positive affirmations are welcome.

Lindsay Carlson 43:09
Yeah, yeah. Awesome. Well, on that note, thank you so much, everyone for listening to us. We are excited to bring you some really great guests for season three, you have some interviews already ready to go. So we're just going to start getting those out to you so you can also be inspired and live a brighter life. Thanks to those stories. Yes.

Carmel Ecker 43:31
Before you leave, we want to give a big shout out to our friend and musician Laura Kosh, who wrote our intro and outro music. Laura is the singer songwriter for the band The quarks, and you can find them online at the quarks K WERK s.com.

Lindsay Carlson 43:47
If you enjoyed the show, make sure you subscribe, leave a review and share it with other single parents in your life. Thanks for listening