The Mind of a Child

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What happens when parenting gets complicated by blended families, boundary-crossing relatives, or an unbelieving spouse? In this episode, we answer real listener questions about some of the most tender and complex relationships in a mother's life.

With grace, honesty, and scripture as our guide, we walk through what it looks like to present a united parenting front, navigate family members who push against your values, and faithfully raise children when your spouse does not share your faith.

Episode Highlights

00:00 Parenting on a united front
03:40 Navigating blended families
08:00 Setting boundaries when family members cross the line
12:22 Parenting with an unbelieving spouse

Please send us your questions if you'd like to have them discussed on the podcast: themindofachildpodcast@gmail.com

The Mind of a Child is an early child development podcast that exists to encourage and equip parents to raise their kids to love God and love others. If you're looking for Biblical principles, practical parenting solutions, and science-backed research, our discussions are specifically tailored for you. Our hosts are Leslie Dudley Corbell and Diane Doucet Matthews, who each have a combined 50+ years of experience in the early child parenting space.

Creators and Guests

Host

Diane Doucet Matthews

Wife of Elder, Fellowship Bible Church

Host

Leslie Dudley Corbell

Childhood Services Specialist, Arkansas State

Producer

Daniel Matthews

Rockwell Productions Owner & Operator

What is The Mind of a Child?

The Mind of a Child is produced by Rockwell Productions (www.rockwell-productions.com).

[00:00:00] Leslie Corbell: Hello, I'm Leslie Dudley Corbell. And I'm Diane

[00:00:06] Diane Matthews: Doucette Matthews. Welcome to The Mind of a Child

[00:00:14] Leslie Corbell: Communication brings clarity

[00:00:17] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm

[00:00:17] Leslie Corbell: Lack of communication complicates

[00:00:21] Diane Matthews: Yes, and really, healthy communication brings clarity, because there could be communication that's not real healthy, and it really doesn't bring much clarity. So today we're gonna talk about some different relationships that could be complicated, so let's get started on these

[00:00:37] Leslie Corbell: We're gonna go through several questions.

[00:00:38] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. Our first listener question is parenting on a united front. So someone wanted us to speak about the husband and wife relationship to better raise a child

[00:00:49] Diane Matthews: And you know what? I think this is a perfect one to start with, because there's so many parents that start out and they think they're on the same page with parenting, and then they start going into it and [00:01:00] they're like, "Whoa.

[00:01:01] Diane Matthews: We really do think differently about this"

[00:01:03] Leslie Corbell: Absolutely, and I think we can throw in two more questions to ask ourselves. How do my actions reflect God's character?

[00:01:10] Diane Matthews: Yes

[00:01:10] Leslie Corbell: And really get to the heart of that, and am I regularly studying God's word?

[00:01:15] Diane Matthews: Mm.

[00:01:15] Leslie Corbell: Or sitting under a biblically sound church-

[00:01:19] Diane Matthews: Yes ...

[00:01:19] Leslie Corbell: that really helps me grow in wisdom and stature?

[00:01:23] Leslie Corbell: Taking all these questions as you're talking with your spouse about parenting- Yes ... would be so beneficial

[00:01:29] Diane Matthews: Blended families. Both my brothers, they raised their family, their kids, in blended families. But it's a hard situation, 'cause you, you have to be very sensitive to the children, the teenagers, the babies, the parents.

[00:01:45] Diane Matthews: I mean, there's a lot of communication that needs to take place

[00:01:49] Leslie Corbell: Well, I think you started it right where I would start it, is that communication between the spouses is so important.

[00:01:54] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:01:55] Leslie Corbell: Think about it. You may be coming to this blended family with different perspectives on parenting and what that [00:02:00] looks like.

[00:02:00] Leslie Corbell: Mm-hmm. And so immediately starting to talk about that would be important. There are two specific elements that I think are important that we'd wanna talk about: compassion and discipline And here's, when we talk about being sensitive, so here's the part that I really wanna be sensitive about. Compassion helps us understand that entering into this new blended family very likely is gonna be very hard for the child.

[00:02:26] Leslie Corbell: I think it requires us to have a lot of humility and a lot of, of grace going into that and realizing this is a difficult situation for them. Very likely they may have a desire for their parents to be reunited- Yes ... if that's po- Yes ... if that's possible, because not all blended families that's even a possibility.

[00:02:45] Leslie Corbell: Right. I mean, there's death, there's divorce- Right ... there's all sorts of things. Right. But if that was a possibility, and even there could be some desire for our family to come back together- Right ... and now it's not. If their apparent has died, there could be still lingering mourning going on. So I think it's just really important [00:03:00] first that we bring compassion into this, which means that we're gonna remember that behaviors are often just a message from a child- Mm

[00:03:07] Leslie Corbell: trying to express their sadness or maybe some disappointment, or something that they're working out in their heart. And so the more that we can come together and help that child with that, and not take anything personally, not get ourselves interjected in the middle of it, but really help the child, is gonna go a long way in blending this family When I was reading about blended families, one of the things that I saw recommended was that the parent of the child, the birth parent of the child, not the step parent, take care of the discipline.

[00:03:40] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:03:40] Leslie Corbell: And the more I thought about that, I thought, well, that doesn't really go with God's plan for family. You know, this is another family unit that we're trying to build, and so starting off with disunity-

[00:03:52] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm ...

[00:03:53] Leslie Corbell: probably isn't, is gonna be more complicated. Right. So it's so important for the husband and the wife to [00:04:00] come together and talk about how they're gonna handle that and work on it together.

[00:04:04] Diane Matthews: Yes.

[00:04:04] Leslie Corbell: So with that being said, that means that the new parent is really gonna be focused on building relationship with the child, and really spending quality time with them, being responsive to them-

[00:04:18] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm ...

[00:04:18] Leslie Corbell: and really focusing on that relationship. And so I think that's- Yeah ... really important to, to think

[00:04:22] Diane Matthews: about.

[00:04:23] Diane Matthews: I think that's very important. Maybe the biological parent be the spokesperson- Mm-hmm ... but have the other parent there with them when they're discussing very compassionately or whatever. Mm-hmm. But just the communication being together.

[00:04:36] Leslie Corbell: And, and I think it's, it's also okay for the new parent to set those boundaries and to give- Also, yeah

[00:04:41] Leslie Corbell: directions and to be involved in the discipline, too. But- Absolutely ... and, but you're just gonna check your heart always. Am I coming to this with patience and kindness and gentleness and humility, um, in order to help this child? Gentleness. Gentleness. Yes. Yes. And I grew up in a blended family, so there are some things that come to mind when I think about children.[00:05:00]

[00:05:00] Leslie Corbell: I'm gonna say it again, communication is important. Giving the child those expectations of the household- Right ... up front is very important. And helping them learn the expectations. You can't just assume that they know the expectations of this household. Mm-hmm. And so you wanna communicate it to them and, and work with them on that.

[00:05:18] Leslie Corbell: I think it's important that if the child doesn't live in the home, that an area of the home be, you know, whether it's a bedroom or part of a bedroom if they're sharing with a s- a step-sibling or something, that they have an area in that house that is theirs, someplace where they can have their special belongings, someplace that is, is always maintained for them.

[00:05:40] Leslie Corbell: Yeah. You don't want that child to feel like they're a guest every time they come visit to the home.

[00:05:45] Diane Matthews: Yes.

[00:05:45] Leslie Corbell: And I think with that comes jobs. Give them jobs to do, chores around the house, so they feel like they're a valued member of that family- Mm-hmm ... and that they're contributing to it. It's going to be very important, again, for that new parent to be building a relationship with the child, and [00:06:00] just to keep being responsive, and maybe find times for you to spend together.

[00:06:03] Diane Matthews: Yeah, spending time together, definitely. What about going to church together and- Yes ... holidays?

[00:06:08] Leslie Corbell: Yes.

[00:06:09] Diane Matthews: What about holidays?

[00:06:10] Leslie Corbell: Oh, well, I'm, I'm glad you said about going to church, 'cause, yes, let's get that church, you know- Yeah ... the family going to church together on Sundays. But holidays, yes. You know, one thing that I appreciate about my stepmother is that, you know, I think it's important to ask the children about these new traditions, because it can be hard- Mm

[00:06:25] Leslie Corbell: when traditions are changed now. Yes. And so bring them in, if they're old enough, to talk about how are you gonna handle the holiday, what are some things they would like to do. One thing that my stepmother did was create this new family gathering, and so it was the Dudley family Christmas. And so we have all of these wonderful games and prizes and things that we play every year, and everyone comes together.

[00:06:48] Leslie Corbell: So we have a wonderful time. We look forward to it. And so I think that's important. You know, start something new- Mm-hmm ... with the family. Just a reminder to always speak of the other parent of the- Mm ... of the [00:07:00] child with great respect and care, especially in front of the children

[00:07:08] Leslie Corbell: Just a note of encouragement for the stepparent. You know, you really are filling a unique role. You're not replacing a parent, and I know you're not trying to, and so go in with this attitude of, "I'm creating anew. I'm in addition to- Mm ... in this family." That's a, a lovely role to play, too. Embrace it. You know, if you can embrace that role and enter into it and in a very godly, loving way-

[00:07:34] Diane Matthews: Hmm

[00:07:35] Leslie Corbell: you will take wonderful strides towards blending this family

[00:07:39] Diane Matthews: I love that. Mm-hmm. Your sweet stepmother, she did a good job. Even with the holidays, maybe- Mm ... I should get some, some ideas for games.

[00:07:48] Leslie Corbell: Oh, it's fun. It is so fun.

[00:07:50] Diane Matthews: That's so fun. Yeah,

[00:07:51] Leslie Corbell: yeah. So the next question that we have is, how can we navigate boundaries as a parent when a family member tries to [00:08:00] cross them?

[00:08:01] Diane Matthews: This is another one that can be complicated. It can be, it can be hurtful, you know, one way or the other, because when you talk about boundaries with parents or just relatives, it almost sounds hurtful just from the very get-go. I think going into this, my first thought is relationships are the most important thing.

[00:08:21] Diane Matthews: Like what you're talking here, even in the blended family, to be compassionate and gentle and consider. Consider feelings. Be a good listener. There are different factors. So I would, I would list the boundaries. I'm gonna list them right now. One of the things to think about is, how far away are you with this member of the family that you're talking about?

[00:08:45] Diane Matthews: Do you live in town, or, or is that family member out of town? Do you see them often or do you not see them very often? Uh, do they understand the boundary? Have you made it real clear to them what the boundary [00:09:00] is that you want, that you're talking about? Why are they continually trying to push the boundary?

[00:09:07] Diane Matthews: So those things you need to consider when you look at it. Well, they're just pushing the boundary. Well, let's, let's understand why.

[00:09:15] Leslie Corbell: Have you ever experienced anything like that, Diane?

[00:09:17] Diane Matthews: Yes. Yes, I have, and you and I have talked about this situation. My family lived out of town, and so we had to travel, and we did.

[00:09:26] Diane Matthews: We loved going to go see them. We, we did it twice a year, and we would take all four of the kids down there. But when we got to my mom and dad's home, she had it set up for fun, and the way she described fun was candy was everywhere, sugar was at eye level, sweet sodas were at eye level, and anything you asked Mamaw was yes, yes, yes.

[00:09:55] Diane Matthews: And Mamaw knew that me, Diane, [00:10:00] had pretty firm dietary rules and limited sugar, and, uh, bedtime, you know, was pretty routine-ish. So those boundaries did not last there when we went to go visit my, my mom. But I had to consider some things. That was the only way my mom knew how to love my children. So if I made those boundaries like the law, it would've crushed my mom And it would've put a wall between me and my mom and my dad.

[00:10:36] Diane Matthews: So it wasn't worth it. We were 15 hours, 12, 15 hours away, didn't see them very often. So that was a whole different situation. Now, if they would've lived in town, that would've been a whole different scenario.

[00:10:50] Leslie Corbell: So what are some suggestions you have for how parents can move forward?

[00:10:54] Diane Matthews: Well, yeah. First off, you and your husband need to be on the same page.

[00:10:58] Diane Matthews: And so after [00:11:00] talking about it and thinking through it clearly and praying about it, you need to call, if it's your parents or in-laws, whatever, call them and ask to spend time with them. Say, "We need, we need to discuss something with you." And have that time without the children. Don't have the children around to hear what, what's being said.

[00:11:19] Diane Matthews: Give them the benefit of the doubt, that you maybe haven't communicated it as clearly as it should be, and you just want them to understand, and that your values as a family have not been held up to the standard that you want them. Ask questions. Have them ask questions. Have a very, hopefully, cordial meeting with them.

[00:11:42] Diane Matthews: Then if it doesn't, if they're angry, rebellious, and just unkind, you need to step away. Try to leave there as calm as possible. Don't say things you, you're gonna regret. Go back home, pray about it, and try to reengage, but know that you're probably gonna [00:12:00] have to draw a line and a boundary that's not gonna please them, but you're still going to have to.

[00:12:06] Diane Matthews: You and your spouse are gonna have to take a pulse. Keep communicating with them. You wanna keep the lines of communication open, 'cause the relationship's the most important thing. That's what God wants us to keep intact. You know, that's the, that's the way I would handle that.

[00:12:22] Leslie Corbell: Well, our last question that we had was how do you parent with an unbelieving spouse?

[00:12:28] Diane Matthews: Hmm.

[00:12:30] Leslie Corbell: You know, it is so much easier when both parents are believers. That is God's desire- Yes ... and his perfect plan for marriage and for families because it puts him and it keeps him at the center of it, and he is what we lean on. But you know, that isn't always the case. There are spouses who are married to unbelievers, and so the first thing I'd like to say is, let's just give thanks that if you're listening to this and you [00:13:00] are a spouse of someone who is unbeliever, but you are saved- Mm

[00:13:04] Leslie Corbell: let's just stop for a minute and give thanks for that. That's right. Thank you, Lord. Because whether you came to Christ before you got married or after you got married- Mm ... you are already victorious in Christ. You have hope in Christ. So with that, just live in the hope and promise that Christ is bringing to you right now, not in worry or in fear, and be obedient to the command to bring your children up in the instruction of the Lord.

[00:13:33] Leslie Corbell: That's all you have to do. Take them to church. Disciple them yourself.

[00:13:37] Diane Matthews: Mm-hmm.

[00:13:38] Leslie Corbell: Pray for them. Pray for your spouse. It's not your responsibility to change your spouse's heart. That's God's will and the work of the Holy Spirit. So you can release yourself from that, but pray for your spouse- Mm-hmm ... that they would have the scales taken from their eyes- Yes

[00:13:55] Leslie Corbell: that they would believe. That's right. But all you can do is live your life in obedience. So-

[00:13:59] Diane Matthews: [00:14:00] Mm-hmm ...

[00:14:00] Leslie Corbell: trust in God. Rely on his plan and his will and his provision. He is a sovereign God, and so have faith and know that he will use your life to accomplish his will, and never lose heart

[00:14:16] Diane Matthews: That reminds me of a couple of verses.

[00:14:18] Diane Matthews: Galatians 6:9, "Let us not become weary of doing good," because that's what we're called to do. Just keep doing it every morning. Just wake up and do the same thing. Do what's, do what's right. Do what's good. Please the Lord in what we do. Unto the Lord, and that's Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, do your work heartily unto the Lord, not unto men," and God will reward you for those things.

[00:14:42] Diane Matthews: So yeah, that's a hard calling, but that will please the Lord, and he will reward you. All these questions have been based on a scripture that you and I have talked about on unity. We're trying to bring unity, uh, [00:15:00] in very complicated and hard, sometimes, relationships, and the verse that we had picked to help us think through this was Philippians 2:1-3.

[00:15:11] Diane Matthews: "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves."

[00:15:40] Leslie Corbell: How do we do all this? How do we find unity in challenging relationships? Well, you can look horizontally at all of these suggestions that we've offered, and we pray that they are helpful to you, but we encourage you most and first to look vertically to God. It is the grace of the Gospel that unites us in [00:16:00] our relationships.

[00:16:01] Leslie Corbell: God is using all of these relationships that we're talking about to shape and sanctify us. You know, if you go down a few more verses in Philippians, and Philippians is probably one of my favorite books, but if you go down to Philippians 2:12-13, after speaking of the humility of Christ, Paul goes on to write, "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

[00:16:38] Diane Matthews: Lord, we just thank you so much that, uh, you wanna sanctify us, and you want us in relationship, and you want 'em to be healthy relationships. And so Father, we thank you, and we ask you to help us do that, and we can't do it without you. Um, send your Holy Spirit to heal us [00:17:00] and change us and love one another the way you've called us to.

[00:17:05] Diane Matthews: And it's in your Son's name, Jesus, that we pray. Amen.

[00:17:11] Leslie Corbell: Thanks for listening. Check out our Instagram at themindofachildpod, or you can email us at themindofachildpodcast@gmail.com

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