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What if your okayness was never at risk, no matter the circumstances?In this episode, I’m joined by Board Certified Coach and Educator Davida Arnold for a conversation about what it means to discover that you’re okay - no matter what’s happening around you.Davida shares personal stories from parenting, teaching, and her own journey that reveal how easily we can get caught in the illusion that our happiness depends on others or our circumstances. Through the lens of the inside-out nature of life, she shows how clarity, grace, and well-being are always available within us.We explore the freedom that comes when we stop trying to control life and instead begin to trust the deeper intelligence behind it. From moments with her kids to insights in the classroom, Davida points us toward a truth that is both simple and profound: our okayness is never at risk.SHOW NOTES:* [00:00] - Introduction and Background* [02:22] - The Inner and Outer Worlds* [04:40] - Personal Insights and Transformations* [11:05] - Understanding Happiness and Relationships* [12:01] - Impact on Education and Teaching* [20:31] - Trusting the Process of Life* [27:12] - Navigating Challenges in Education* [36:48] - The Power of Perspective* [38:56] - Final Thoughts and ReflectionsSHOW LINKS:Visit Davida’s WebsiteThank you for listening to this episode! If you are interested in learning more about Barb and Innerverse Academy, you can visit our website at https://barbarapatterson.com/ (https://barbarapatterson.com/).
What if your okayness was never at risk, no matter the circumstances?
In this episode, I’m joined by Board Certified Coach and Educator Davida Arnold for a conversation about what it means to discover that you’re okay - no matter what’s happening around you.
Davida shares personal stories from parenting, teaching, and her own journey that reveal how easily we can get caught in the illusion that our happiness depends on others or our circumstances. Through the lens of the inside-out nature of life, she shows how clarity, grace, and well-being are always available within us.
We explore the freedom that comes when we stop trying to control life and instead begin to trust the deeper intelligence behind it. From moments with her kids to insights in the classroom, Davida points us toward a truth that is both simple and profound: our okayness is never at risk.
SHOW NOTES:
SHOW LINKS:
Thank you for listening to this episode! If you are interested in learning more about Barb and Innerverse Academy, you can visit our website at https://barbarapatterson.com/.
This podcast is a space to explore the profound connection between our inner world and our work in the world. We dive deep into the heart of what it means to live and work from a felt knowing of our essential selves – aligned, alive, and fully expressed. We’ll play at the intersection of business, spirituality, consciousness, and growth.
Through intimate conversations with thought leaders, change-makers, authors, and humans just like you and me, you’ll hear real stories of transformation and the internal shifts, “aha” moments, and wake-up calls that have helped them to access new dimensions of creativity, higher levels of intelligence, unlock dormant potentials and experience greater joy and fulfillment.
Barbara Patterson (00:56)
Hi, welcome to the Interverse of Business and Life podcast. I'm Barb Patterson. Today I'm joined by coach and educator, Davida Arnold. In this conversation, Davida shares what she's discovered about the inside out nature of life and the liberating realization that you're okay, no matter what's happening around you. One of the simple yet profound questions she asked herself is, do you know where your feelings are coming from?
That question, as you're going to hear, has helped her see that her well-being is not at the mercy of the circumstances, but comes from within.
Through her experiences as a parent, teacher, and coach, Davida shows how trusting life allows more grace, connection, and freedom in everyday moments. I think you're gonna find this conversation both grounding and inspiring. So let's dive in.
Barbara Patterson (02:01)
Davida, welcome. I am so glad you're here. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Davida Arnold (02:07)
Hi Barb, thank you so much for having me. I am so happy to be here with you.
Barbara Patterson (02:11)
Yeah, really am grateful for your time today and we're going to learn more about you and what you do. But, you know, as somebody in the education field and having family members who are teachers and a sister, is, I always just appreciate, you know, that environment, all the amazing humans that you are, but also
It's so layered, I get to hear the inside stories. There's the kids and then there's the parents and then there's the administration and you know, just all of it. And I think it's fascinating to really hear how your work in the world has continued to evolve you and the personal insights and shifts that you've, that have been valuable to you as a teacher. And I know everyone, regardless of their role, will benefit from.
you know what you're going to share with us today, but I'd love to start with when did you first begin to recognize that what was happening in our inner world was shaping your experience in the outer world?
Davida Arnold (03:16)
Yeah. Okay, so great question. I think that I have always had, or at least since I was younger, a willingness to explore the inside.
I remember when I was in college and struggling and so my mom made me see a counselor for a minute just kind of like threw me in for like a session and it was pretty cool to talk and so I mean I haven't been opposed to it and so I think I've just always been I guess aware that of the importance of our thoughts and then I would say it really hit home
around 2000, in the early 2000s. My first career was in engineering and then realized I wanted to switch to a helping profession. So I got a master's in pastoral counseling. And so in doing that, I had to get my own counseling as well. so just, again, just being open to the exploration of the inside. And then...
That led me to coaching, which led me to discovering about the inside out nature of life and I relate to it through the three principles. And so I definitely related counseling wise to cognitive behavior. I just clicked with it, yes, and looking at our thoughts. But then when I discovered the principles, I just kind of like took it up a notch for me. I mean, it wasn't like automatic.
Barbara Patterson (04:34)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Davida Arnold (04:36)
It was
like, at first it was like, okay, I already know what this is. You know, I'm already doing it. I'm already talking to my clients about their thinking, you know. But again, just that willingness to explore more. And I'm so thankful for that.
Barbara Patterson (04:39)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Davida Arnold (04:53)
So I just started reading and listening more and getting my own coaching with a principals based coach. And then it was like one day, I just started noticing, seeing things more and more like bubbles being popped.
Barbara Patterson (05:08)
Yeah, yeah.
And for those listening that may not be aware, just to say the principles are what you're referring to the teachings of Sydney Banks and really that the role of thought and consciousness and this sort of universal mind and how they all come together to create our experience of life. And so I'm curious when you say it began to pop.
Davida Arnold (05:19)
Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (05:33)
Can you share a story or what was it you saw specifically that helped you?
Davida Arnold (05:41)
Yeah. Okay. So I remember, like I said, just, you know, trying to read and learn and, just study more. And then, one morning, at the time I was working, I was, had we already started working education as well as coaching and, I was working part time and,
I was home with my kids. My husband, like you said, most of my family are educators. My husband is an educator and so we were living on campus of the school that he was working at. And we have four kids and they all go, all attend the same school as my husband works at. So one morning he left with our oldest daughter to go to school. And so I was home alone with the youngest three to get them ready for school.
I went to the rooms, got them up and everything. And then when it was time to go, it's like we're supposed to be walking out the door like seven, what, like seven o'clock, 7 15. I go in my son's room and he is still in bed. And he's like, I think second grade.
So this was not my proudest mommy moment at all, but I did not handle it well. I'll just say it like that. So we're walking to school and you can imagine what that walk is like, you know, me having, you know,
unleashed on him and with his sisters and it was just it was just not fun. And so I dropped them off at school and walking home by myself. I'm tearful at this point. I'm crying and I'm like, my gosh, I can't I can't believe I did this. And but but I was able to settle down enough to hear this in my spirit. And I remember this was we're talking.
about 10 almost 10 years ago and I heard it as clear as day in my spirit say, Davidah, your son could have gone to school having behaved the exact same way and have experienced his mother's love instead of his mother's wrath. And that was major for me because what I got from that was how I was feeling.
was not coming from his behavior or how he behaved. It was all coming from the way that I was looking at it, my perspective and all the mean that I was making of it. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (07:50)
Yeah, that's such a real story and I know so relatable and yeah, and you're pointing to something I think really profound and when we start to recognize that it really is a game changer because, you know, when we understand that what's happening outside of us is one thing and then what's happening inside of us is another and often it looks like
I'm at the effect of my son's behavior or my teacher or my boss or my business. You it looks like we're at the effect of it. But really if people slow down to what you're pointing to right now, I think it's amazing how liberating it can be because that external thing does not determine what's happening inside. What's happening inside is again standalone. can be
anything. And we've all had an experience. I bet you've walked in and your son, you know, was still sleeping on other days and the reaction was different.
Davida Arnold (08:46)
Yeah.
absolutely. I mean, it happened this morning. We're talking, we're talking years later and it happened again. But this morning it was just like, okay, just get up. We're going to go. I you know, and I will say what I before that, because that, that, and that moment was just, I think it was just pivotal in my life. And before that, I, even though I was open to exploring,
Barbara Patterson (08:57)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Davida Arnold (09:22)
our thoughts, but it was definitely from, let's say an outside-in perspective. It was always about, okay, what's going on externally as to why I'm feeling how I'm feeling. And then even prior to seeing this understanding, that's what I was doing to others as well. And for years,
I was like living in what I can only describe as a heaviness because it just seemed to me that I needed everything on the outside to be okay or different in order for me to be happy and okay.
If I just had more money, if I didn't have this issue, if my kids would just obey, if they would just put the dishes away, if they would keep their rooms clean, you know? And seriously, that's just, it was like for years. Like if you saw me and my family, you probably couldn't tell. But for me, I was so unhappy for years. And it just felt like this weight, like a plank was laying on me and I could never shake it no matter what I did. I yelled.
Barbara Patterson (10:06)
Thank
Davida Arnold (10:26)
screamed nothing nothing happened nothing would change it i mean it affected my relationship with my kids and my husband you know my kids i could see it in their eyes it's just like you know we weren't it was just not you know good relationships and then once i backed off from trying to fix them trying to correct them so that i could be happy and started living
from this understanding that just like you said, we don't live at the mercy of our circumstances, things started to shift. Our relationships improved. Now, I mean, I enjoy the time with them more than I did before. And definitely my work as an educator, I never set out to be a teacher.
Like, you know, I was, I don't know why, I think I did kind of avoid it. But then once I became a coach, I had an interest in seeing if I could do coaching in an education setting. So then I decided, okay, well, you let get some experience. So that led me to, you know, just becoming a teacher assistant and a substitute teacher at first and just kind of working my way up.
Barbara Patterson (11:19)
and
Davida Arnold (11:30)
But, and thankfully I had at least a basic beginning understanding of the inside out nature of life when I started. And I think that helped me out so much once I entered into the classroom.
Barbara Patterson (11:39)
Yeah.
So when you say your happiness isn't dependent on your kid's behavior or your husband behaving or acting, what is it? How did that, not how did it shift, but where does your happiness come from then?
Davida Arnold (12:00)
Well, the way that it looks to me, and I'm seeing more, it's definitely already within us. It's an insight. It's an insight thing. I don't think it's like a destination or something that we have to go to achieve. It's always there. And the only thing that covers it up is our own thinking. At least that's how I see it now. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (12:20)
Yeah.
And I would imagine, you know, having known you for a few years now and most recently participating in that program, I know that you've been sharing some of these insights with your community, people in your life, with your school. But I'm curious what you've noticed even within your role and your relationships or within the school as
people start to see what you're pointing to or you yourself. How is that making a difference in those environments?
Davida Arnold (12:52)
well, I hope it is. I mean, I just do it. I live it, I think, as much as I can for my own life. And I think when we all do that, then it affects. You know, it just like multiplies. So I think it just, it shows up in the way that I behave and I respond.
Barbara Patterson (12:54)
Hahaha.
Davida Arnold (13:12)
and how I relate to my students. I think definitely it's helped me see that one of the most important parts of being an educator is the relationship with the students. And just having that, that's the foundational piece. And so having an understanding that our experiences create from inside out has helped me to...
better relationships I don't take not taking things as personally because let's be on kids are kids they're gonna behave because that's just what kids they're gonna misbehave or behave how they do rather I won't necessarily label it but just because that's just what they do as kids and I think I take things a lot less personally now and I seek to just connect with them and then through that connection I'm able to
Barbara Patterson (13:40)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Davida Arnold (14:04)
point them in the direction of the inside out nature of life because they're not seeing it, know, for themselves. But sometimes they do. And that's the other thing I've learned. We all see it at times. We all do. So, yeah, that and I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm answering your question. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (14:16)
Yeah, you are. You are. And I want to pull out a little more.
the connecting with them and the relationship, can you say a little bit more about how that shows up? So you're not taking things personally, but it sounds like you're also kind of giving them a little bit more grace. And wonder, I might be connecting a dot that you wouldn't connect, but
I know that when we begin to see that in a more agitated, sped up or lower mood, the quality of our own thinking and behavior can diminish. And so you start to see where when a child acts out or a partner, there's a way we can look at it through the lens of, they...
they're seeing something now from their own internal space. Their own landscape is kind of at play in how they're responding right here. And I'm curious, Davida, how that supports or helps you or comes to play in what you're talking about.
Davida Arnold (15:33)
You what, you connected the dots perfectly. Yeah, it's definitely more grace. You know, I'm able to now focus on the connection piece and going through there and not.
I will say this, it's not a perfect thing. I have my moments where I don't see it and I get lost in my thinking all of the time. So I'm just so grateful for the times that I do see it in that it just, I'm able to pop out of my thinking a lot quicker than I was before. So make sure that that's clear. But yeah, definitely more grace and more compassion, willing to have more conversations with them and to understand how they're seeing things and to take that
into consideration and to recognize that they're only acting out of their own thinking in the moment, out of their own perspective and the meaning that they're making of things. Yeah. So I remember one time when I first got into education too, like maybe a couple years in, I was substituting one day and...
the teachers had all warned me about this student and about how they can get very emotional or have outbursts. And so I was like, okay, we'll just call him, we'll just call him Stephen. And so yeah, I was subbing in Stephen's class one day and the teacher, the lead teacher had passed out an assignment. And then sure enough, Stephen just started crying. He just got upset and he was really kind of, it was hard for
the teacher to deal with it in the moment. So I just asked, I was like, hey, I, you know, can I take him outside? And the teacher was like, sure. So I asked Stephen to come with me and he was like, yeah. So we went outside and thankfully it was a nice sunny day in Florida and we were able to just sit outside and I just let him have his moment. He was crying and I'm just gently asked. was like, you know, what's going on? What's that about? And then he says, I,
I can't get this because I'm And so was like, okay. All right, and so of course me inside, I'm realizing, okay, that's just how he's looking at himself. And so I asked, okay, well, how do you know that you're stupid? And he just stopped and he looked at me like he was really pondering this. And then all of a sudden the tears just stopped.
He was happy and he starts talking about something else. I can't make something that happened or something fun. And then I was like, okay, so we go back in and then he's calm and he finishes his work. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (17:58)
I love that. Yeah, and it's such a good example of an internal shift and sometimes just a reflective question or, you know, getting people out of the current loop of where their mind is, including ourselves. And all of a sudden, naturally, we just have different thinking, you know?
Davida Arnold (18:17)
Listen,
yes, I do that to myself every day. Like one of the questions I ask myself all the time is, OK, so where do I think my feeling is coming from? And if my answer is anything other than thought in a moment, then I know that I'm not thinking clearly and that that's my sign that I need to just take a moment for myself or just really just tap into.
Barbara Patterson (18:33)
Yeah.
Davida Arnold (18:41)
just tap inside and say, okay, what is it that I need right now? Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (18:44)
Yeah, yeah.
I love that. I remember when I was first learning about Sidney Banks and his teachings and I was listening to one of his tapes and he said, at the bottom of every disturbed mind is an insecure thought.
And at first I was like, no, that's not true. mean, you know, it's like, I don't feel insecure everywhere, you know, like, and then, but I couldn't quit, like that phrase wouldn't leave me as much as my mind was trying to dismiss it. And then I realized it's true, like every internal upset or mind looping really at its core.
is a belief in some kind of insecure thought, like either the future's scary or what just happened shouldn't have gone down or I'm not living up the way I think I should or they aren't or something's at risk. And it was just a really, it's why I love your question. was a really simple anchor for me to just go, yeah, okay, I'm just in a disturbed internal state. Let that pass.
Davida Arnold (19:51)
Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (19:53)
Like they all pass, every experience, every mood, everything shifts. It's not stagnant, it's not fixed. And then in a different quality of mind, naturally have more perspective.
Davida Arnold (20:06)
Yeah, yeah, I so agree with that. And that's really what it is. It's it's fear. It's always a fear of, at least for me, I'll just say that a fear of I'm not okay. Something's bad, you know, is about to happen or everything's not going to work out. And like, how do we know? How do I know that it's not going to work out? And sometimes it does feel a little scary to like,
Barbara Patterson (20:24)
Yes.
Davida Arnold (20:32)
let myself just kind of go to that place where it's like, okay, it's gonna, it can work out. Like, I think because we're not used to that as a society, we're just so used to, you know, focus, you know, focusing on how we feel and kind of, you know, guess, assuming the worst, maybe, I don't know if that's the best way to describe it, which makes complete sense. If that's, you know, the thinking that we're having and how we've been taught.
Barbara Patterson (20:56)
Yeah.
Davida Arnold (21:00)
But seriously, there's something about looking at...
life supporting us rather than looking at it like it's setting us up to fail.
Barbara Patterson (21:08)
Yeah, say more about that. What do you mean by that and how is that revealing itself in your own life?
Davida Arnold (21:14)
Well, to me, it's definitely spiritual. Now, I'm growing with looking at business and spirituality together. Sometimes it does feel uncomfortable because people have their own understanding of what spirit means and then God, and we all relate to it differently. But for me, I do believe that there is a higher power to life, and I relate to it as God.
but and the way that I see it is that we are a part of God. We're just all parts of one whole.
And that, you know, this power is what is behind all of life, the energy and intelligence that's running the show. Like one of my favorite metaphors is I love to look at it as like the season's changing. Like right now we're, you know, we're about to go into fall from summer, right? And we're not out there doing it. We don't have to flip a switch. just naturally happens, right? I'm driving the other day and I'm noticing, the leaves are falling already. They're already starting to turn colors, right?
on their own and that same power is who we are. And so I'm seeing that I if I look towards that more right and just let that guide it just makes things a lot easier. Like yeah like I can just take my hands off
Meaning for me that means not ruminating on my fears Like it's okay to have them, but I don't have to stay there With them and dwell on them. Yeah
Barbara Patterson (22:47)
Yeah, I think when we notice we're kind of lost in thought or we're in imagination about potential outcomes or worry about life, it's such a gift when we realize if we're noticing it, we already have some perspective from it. And that perspective is everything because it shows us that we're experiencing
thought, we aren't experiencing truth. And we know that because a different thought could come in and our experience would be different.
Davida Arnold (23:25)
Yeah, all the time. All the time it happens. I see it so clearly. Something happened recently and I can't remember where was, but you know, there's just been so many times where I'll see things one way and then when I, you know, I talked to someone else and they're like, well, they saw it completely different. But yeah, we were both dealing with the same thing. Right. Yeah. â
Barbara Patterson (23:27)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Well, and I think that's such a good example because I
I, you know, having been raised by a single mother with six brothers and sisters, you know, when we're all reminiscing about the past, everyone has a different perspective of it. You know, the events might be the same, but even sometimes those vary. And to just really appreciate like, yeah, that's because of what you started this conversation with. We're all living in the world.
that our minds are creating. We're all looking at life and each other and circumstances through what's happening inside of ourselves. And so this idea, I'd like to come back to the trusting life. And what I also heard you saying there was like trusting that this kind of nature energy behind all life is also carrying us. Like it's not all on us.
And I'm wondering if there's something in particular that you can share around that, Davida, or something that's helped you see that more clearly?
Davida Arnold (24:54)
Yeah, think, I've, you know, I've always, I grew up in the church, as they say. So, but at the same time, our parents' religion is not our own. I had to come to it for myself, for sure. So, being open to a higher power, for sure.
But I didn't really get it, I think, until I studying the inside out nature of life. And now it just hits me so much more deeply than it did before. Because it always seemed like that.
that I had a God to please, that I had a God that I had to make happy. And I don't see it that way anymore at all. It's just like, yeah. To me, it's like, okay, well, why wouldn't God want us want the best for us? If we're all part of a whole, right? The energy is running through us. Why wouldn't so
Barbara Patterson (25:43)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Davida Arnold (25:49)
Yeah, I just do remember that day. It just came to me. was like the metaphor that came was like a prism. You know, like how a prism and light comes through and then it it cut like the white light comes through and you see all these colors, like the whole parts of a whole. I don't know why for me that just hit me like so differently one day, like because one of those things that you hear so much people say like God's got your back. Right. But at first it always was like, still, OK, well, I have to do something.
in order for God to have my back. But now, no, it doesn't look like that anymore. It's like, yeah, why wouldn't God have my back? Right, thank you. That's the way. You don't have to own it, earn it. It's like, why, if we're, yeah. So it's completely different. But it's like, I was gonna say trust, but I think it's more of a testing. Not like I'm a test to see if it's real per se, but more of a letting go. And maybe experimenting is the better, or being open to it.
Barbara Patterson (26:21)
You don't have to earn it. Yeah. Yeah.
Davida Arnold (26:44)
And willing so okay, so if I recognize that I'm I'm spinning in my thoughts right now I Might intentionally be like, okay. I'm not going to do that. I'm gonna stop I'm gonna feel it but I know I don't have to let that dictate what I do next and I can just You know pause and just wait and see and let it what happens see what happens and lo and behold it works out. I Think that willingness is for me is it's key. Yeah
Barbara Patterson (27:06)
That's great. Yeah.
Yeah, and it makes me wonder, you know, like that illusion where it looks like if I control the variables enough, if I control my behavior enough, it'll guarantee a certain outcome. And I think that's a trick of the mind, right? And I know. I know. Yeah.
Davida Arnold (27:25)
I tried that for years. It does not work. It made it worse. It made it
so much worse. And when I was finally able to like let go and just, okay, it is what it is. It's just, you know, things just change. I saw things differently. Like I said, like my relationships improved with my kids and my husband. It doesn't mean that the situation might have changed.
But you know that saying like nothing changed, but everything changed? It's exactly what it is.
Barbara Patterson (27:53)
Yeah,
yeah, yeah. And I'm curious in the way in your work right now or in life, is there a place you feel like you're at a growth edge and something's being asked of you?
Davida Arnold (28:05)
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what that actually okay, so example I can think of that just relates to what we were just talking about So like I right now i'm teaching in pre-k So four and five year olds four and five year olds love them. They are the best. They I love they are so funny but you know, we get a lot of well They said this about me or they won't let me play and they are upset. I mean it's like You know, that's a big deal to them and before I think
before this understanding, I would have jumped in and been like, okay, well, I would have solved it for them or tried to do it. But now I'll take a step back. I'm like, and I'll explore it with them. Right? Okay. All right. Well.
What do you think this is or or asking some kind of reflective question? I think that's a big difference for me because I know that they have the same power within them, even at four and five. They do. We're all born with it. And so being aware of that helps me to honor that in them. And I'm hoping that they'll see it for themselves, too. And then they do. Yeah, because like, so and so said, I'm I know. I'm I'm I'm not.
Barbara Patterson (29:09)
Yeah.
Davida Arnold (29:16)
Nice whatever they say and so I'm like, okay. Well, what do you think about yourself? And they'll think about it. I'm like, do you think that's true? No Well, do you to pay attention to what this no, all right, go have fun and then they just go And they have fun or sometimes, you know, we don't have to say anything there was I remember like I'll just observe them You know, they'll be by themselves. So so will play with me And I'll just watch and a few minutes later
another thought comes in because then they're all having fun playing with somebody else. So I don't even have to do anything. I don't know if they interject. So yeah.
Barbara Patterson (29:50)
Yeah,
you're kind of, they're such a great model of, they can go from a temper tantrum to giggling to vice versa. I always think it's kind of funny. It's like one of the reasons I think kids can go from upset to like...
completely forgetting about it is because they're not analyzing their behavior. They aren't going, now, why did I get upset? In the moment they're in it, they're in it. But then the next moment when they're not in it, they are not in it. And it's such a great model of how it works unless we grab it and ruminate and validate it and look at it more. So I think kids are such a great example.
Davida Arnold (30:11)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And we, you even as adults, we still do it too. That's why, you know what, wait, why they say sleep on it, you know? Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (30:35)
Yeah, Yeah, exactly. That's a great example.
Yeah. Yeah, I, I think the
you know, that piece around really trusting that your kids or people in your life, your team, your employees have that innate wellbeing inside of them. And that fact that you see that keeps you from trying to intervene on just a disturbed mind, because you know a mind will shift. I think that's such a cool piece that you're bringing forward. And I remember a story of a colleague of mine who was sharing that
her and her son were making cookies one day after school. And as they're making the cookies, the little boy starts to share about how these kids, these older kids were at the playground either, I think the day before, I don't think it was the same day, kicking rocks in his face. And he's telling the story that then he decided to take his sweatshirt and turn it around.
so that the hoodie was covering his face. And then, you know, he's kind of telling this story and my friend starts to get upset and she's like, who? Who were these kids? What were they doing? And then she's thinking, where was the teacher? Why wasn't anyone interfering? Like she started to get really upset. But because she had been looking at exactly what you're saying, wait a minute, like, is there anything to even rescue here? Like, or to resolve?
She just took a step back and she looked and he was fine. It wasn't damaging his self-esteem, which is what her mind went to. It wasn't, he had no residue about it. was telling it. And then she realized like, yeah, this is where I could insert and start to lock in some ideas here. And she was able to not do that. But also in not doing that, she saw how clever he was.
Davida Arnold (32:13)
Right.
Barbara Patterson (32:34)
Like in a five-year-old's little mind, they aren't thinking, oh, this is inappropriate. They're thinking, I don't like this. And so he put this hoodie on to protect his face. And when you look at it that way, you're like, how clever. And that's his wisdom in that little body, right? That little mind helping him navigate that moment.
Davida Arnold (32:41)
No.
Yeah.
Absolutely, yeah, we all have wisdom.
Yeah, and that's one of the things that I definitely am doing more of, think, at work. I'm looking at being more intentional of looking for that in others versus judging them on their behaviors, looking for that wisdom inside and look and it because it only works one way for all of us. And reminding myself that, OK, they're just doing whatever they're doing because of the thinking that they're having in the moment. You know, I had a really hard time
and in my current school up a couple years ago like like well I guess two years after I started at first I only had I two roles right now but when I just had the one role as associate teacher it got a little tough it got a little tough because I felt like the role wasn't
included or appreciated. And it got to the point that I was like, okay, I think I'm going to Right. Because I was that unhappy. And it was like a couple of weeks into this new school year, you know, just not being included as a part of the team and doing things, I think, because of, you know, of having being in this role.
And then I just remember that one morning just thinking about it. I just did not want to go. I got it. It was hard. was like, cannot go. And seriously, that question came to mind. Like, Davida, OK, well, where do think your feelings are coming from? And it was like, oh my gosh, this whole time for weeks, I thought that how I was feeling was coming from.
how they were treating me or how they were acting and or what was not happening or what I wanted to happen and didn't happen. And then I remembered also, okay, they're just, the people on my team are just acting because of how they're thinking. It has nothing to do with me. And I was able to have more grace or compassion.
And then all of a sudden it literally like switched. And I was like, I could not wait to get to school because it was like, it reminded me. was, then I had that space to realize, okay, why am I even in the school? Like what's the relationship with the kids? So I started focusing on that and relating to the kids. And then I realized, then I saw, my gosh, you know what? There's a spot in the hallway in the morning that probably needs an adult to supervise it because the kids are coming in and they're just congregating and they shouldn't be. So I started going there.
said okay go there in the mornings and sure enough then the kids would come in I started making more relationships with with with the kids with more students who are still there it just things just shifted when I was willing to look at it differently than I was before yeah
Barbara Patterson (35:36)
Yeah,
that's amazing. That's amazing. And it sounds so simple, but it really is impactful when we realize, wait, I'm leaning into this story or this idea, this, you know, and it's creating my suffering, not them. And then when we lose the grip of thought, we just naturally see again, coming back to what we've said, we naturally see with more perspective and then those
Davida Arnold (35:50)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (36:04)
ideas, those nudges come in, hey, try this. But prior to that, when we're just locked into what we think is true, you know, or to a perception, it's hard for any of that to even be noticed. And I think it's, you know, the other piece I think your story reminds me is, and I see this often in working in teams and with partnerships and all of that, that the
Davida Arnold (36:12)
Mm-hmm.
Barbara Patterson (36:32)
assignment of ill intent, you know, like when we feel slighted, you know, and then the assumption that it's the person, it's the behavior and we start, the mind will start to make up reasons and fill in all these blanks. And what I love about your story is that question of where is your feeling really coming from? Kind of, it took you to truth and in truth, it automatically shifted.
Davida Arnold (36:55)
Yeah.
my gosh, yeah. again, it was like a load lifted. And it just, and it couldn't have come at a better time because I got another role at the end, towards the end of, well, second half of the school year. And where now I interact with students from the whole division. And so just continuing to develop those relationships. just, and that has just been just such a.
such an honor and a privilege. And you know what, I do want to say that I think what I'm also seeing is, you know, seeing this and just how life works on Inside Out is helpful.
but it's also not an excuse for negative behavior, right? So like I needed to acknowledge or address the issues that was going on with my team. But getting that insight that how I was feeling wasn't coming from their behavior helped because then I was able to approach the situation from clarity versus approaching it from the misunderstanding. And I probably would have handled it a lot worse.
Barbara Patterson (38:04)
Yeah, brilliant.
Davida Arnold (38:04)
So the
understanding one helped me to have live in my innate freedom and happiness versus going through it with all this unnecessary struggling and stress. And then so seeing it more clearly helped me to handle the situation, I think a lot better than I would have coming from the standpoint of, you're not including me. You're not doing this. You're not doing that. That was not, that wouldn't have helped anything.
Barbara Patterson (38:33)
Yeah, yeah, it's, think, I really glad you brought that forward that we're not saying you're making everything up. What we're saying is your experience of what's happening is being shaped via thought in the moment. But to your point, which you so beautifully articulated is how do I want to address the situation? And if I can do it from a more neutral present,
Davida Arnold (38:46)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (39:00)
internal
space, I'll bring more clarity, more wisdom, and I'll say the thing that needs to be said in a way that it'll hopefully get heard versus you're right. When we step into conversation, agitated, upset, blaming, people often can't take it in.
Davida Arnold (39:14)
Mm-hmm.
No, no, they can't. And yeah, that's not as helpful. â But yeah, but and then also, you know, we don't have and it's also not about just ignoring what's going on, too. Yeah, things have to be addressed. It's just I think the manner in which you do it is important to write that. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (39:21)
Yeah.
Yeah,
absolutely. Well, Davida, I have loved this conversation and I just want to give you an opportunity before we end. Is there anything else that's present for you that you'd like to share?
Davida Arnold (39:47)
wow.
Well, one, I definitely just want to say thank you for having me. I've loved talking to you. â So any opportunity I have to chat with you is great. If I could leave with everybody for one thing, what would be? Just the reminder that you're OK, that no matter what situation or circumstance you might come against,
Barbara Patterson (39:52)
same.
Davida Arnold (40:10)
you're okay. Your okayness inside your well-being is safe and it's like you said earlier it's not at the mercy of the situations that that we face and if you just step back and let yourself just look towards
the energy that's flowing through you.
and look at how your experience is being shaped through thought.
and let that guide you. â
Barbara Patterson (40:35)
Beautiful.
think that's a perfect place to end our conversation. Thank you so much, Davida. So grateful.
Davida Arnold (40:42)
Thank you again.