Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter three. Left. I was 13 when my father walked out the front door for good, forever changing what the word family meant to me. I peered out the window, watching my dad drive away while the words this will be better for everyone, hung in the air. When my dad left, he took a part of my heart with him, and the peace that was left was filled with anger, fear, and shame.
Speaker 1:I pretended all was fine when all was anything but fine. The experiences that took place in my childhood are a lot for anyone to handle, much less a kid. I saw my father from time to time, but I had a really difficult time recognizing the man who once lived with me. It seemed that everything about him changed. He had a new perspective on life, a new girlfriend, and a new apartment.
Speaker 1:He was a new man. Before long, I wanted nothing to do with him. The sight of him and his new environment left me confused and angry. The changes began to take a toll on me. I stopped caring about school because, after all, what would happen if I failed?
Speaker 1:It's not like my dad was gonna care. I quit sports because I thought, what was the point? No one is gonna show up to watch me anyways. When the weekend came, I did anything necessary to get attention from other people. If I had to be the wild guy at the party or the punchline of the joke when hanging out with the guys, I did that to gain acceptance.
Speaker 1:More than anything, I just wanted to be wanted. I wanted people to like me. I put an unhealthy burden on my friends to be what my family should have been. If my friends didn't respond to my calls, I would freak out for fear of being alone. For the most part, I stayed home and watched movies and television.
Speaker 1:The more time I spent alone, however, the more the enemy's lies and tricks knocked on the door of my heart. I truly felt like I had no one, no protector, no one to ask me how I was doing. I had all of these emotions with absolutely no idea what to do with them, so I stuffed them down and pretended that all was well. The hurt that came from my father, my father wound, was negatively impacting me in more ways than I could have possibly recognized at the time. Reactions.
Speaker 1:Few topics evoke such a wide range of emotions as fathers. When asking someone about their father, three responses are typical. The first one could be joy. You might see the responders smile redly as they sing the praises of their father. They call them daddy or papa because, well, why wouldn't they?
Speaker 1:This man made fatherhood a top priority. He saw it as his main responsibility to provide and care for his children. Perhaps he is considered their best friend, a true family leader, and the first person to ask for help when an issue arises. He always picks up the phone when called, always has, always will. This father has taught his children how to love and be loved, how to try their hardest and take risks.
Speaker 1:He's been there to pick up his kids when they've fallen and celebrated their every success. This dad has cried with his children, and laughed with them as well. He was intentional, provided correction, encouragement, and demonstrated how to love one's spouse well. Another reaction is indifference. You might as well be talking about Fred the mailman because this person has suppressed all emotions tied to their father.
Speaker 1:After all, it is much easier to hide difficult emotions than to deal with them. Sure. This father was around. He even came to sporting events and took the family on vacations. He made sure they had a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and food in their stomachs.
Speaker 1:But was he around emotionally? Did he engage their hearts? This dad rarely said he loved his children or that he was proud of them. He believed it was someone else's job to teach you how to become an adult. The school was to educate you, and the church was to teach you how to love God.
Speaker 1:Awkward topics such as emotions, sex, and the why behind the actions or decisions were never discussed. Even today, conversations stay superficial. While there is some love between this father and his children, his children regret not having a healthy father figure. They may assume he loves them, but his kids have never or rarely heard it expressed. While his children are thankful their dad provided for the family, the fact that he missed the heart is what hurts the most.
Speaker 1:After all, it's the heart that matters. The third response is one of pure anger, sadness, or disappointment. Things get awkward fast with a serious countenance, a curt response, or phrases uttered that aren't appropriate for church. The one who asked the question can tell he has trespassed into someplace he should not have gone. Maybe a joke is made to cover up the discomfort.
Speaker 1:The topic is usually changed quickly, but not before the bitterness, resentment, and grief grab the heart. This was my response for many, many years. In my twenties, the symptoms of my father wound only got worse. I did everything to appear as manly as possible. I worked out consistently and did whatever I could to look strong on the outside to cover up for my weakness on the inside.
Speaker 1:Desperate for love and affection, I found love in the arms of any girl who would give me a second look. Any girl who gave me attention was the one. As often as I could, I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain and disguised it as I'm just having a good time. I couldn't ask for help. I didn't forgive.
Speaker 1:I constantly feared the worst scenario would happen. I spent over a decade hating my father. I couldn't celebrate my friends' good and healthy relationships with their own fathers. I could only mock them. I was quick with a sarcastic or rude remark if you started discussing your dad.
Speaker 1:I would boil over when the topic came up. My fist would ball up with rage unable to handle the fact that I had a missing dad and my family was broken. So how about you? How do you respond when the topic comes up? How is your father wound affecting your life today?
Speaker 1:Are you the businessman who is still trying to make his father proud while your wife and children are at home wondering why dad works seventy hours a week? Are you the man who gets validation by the title on your nameplate, how much you can bench press, or how much money you have in your bank account? Have you given up and taken the easy life because you know that you don't have what it takes to succeed? Do you constantly compare yourself to others thinking deep down they have something you don't? Perhaps you isolate yourself binging video games, watching sports, or hiding in a hobby.
Speaker 1:Are you like me? The man who constantly wonders if he's enough and lovable because you didn't feel loved as a kid? Are you the new dad who is terrified to lead his family because you never had an example of what a good husband or father looked like? Are you constantly waiting for the worst to happen because that's the way life has always gone for you? Do you feel like you got cheated?
Speaker 1:Whatever the emotion you feel, pay attention to it. It is your heart's way of telling you something. So we have two choices here. We can continue to stuff our emotions away and pretend all is well. We can run the rat race and get so busy that we never have the time or margin to do true heart work.
Speaker 1:We can live life for the weekend just so that we can go play golf or day drink by the pool with buddies, keeping ourselves distracted just enough so we don't have to peek under the hood of our hearts. We can act tough and tell others that our past doesn't have anything to do with the person that we are today. Or we can face the truth. We can choose to revisit the topic that we have run from for so many years. We can shine a spotlight on our hearts to find out what is truly going on.
Speaker 1:Better yet, we can invite the Lord and others who love us on a journey to help us find freedom and become our best selves, our true selves, whole and healed. I chose the latter over a decade ago, and it gave me freedom I never thought I could have, and I want you to experience the same thing. Wouldn't it be nice if you could bless your father instead of curse him? What kind of weight would lift from your shoulders if you could replace bitterness and anger with peace and joy? So tell me about your father.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about it and together we can start to heal your past and set you on a path towards becoming all that the Lord intended you to be. Tell me, have you been abandoned at any point either physically or emotionally? When the topic of father comes up, do you feel joy, indifference, or anger? Tell me about your father. Describe your experiences with him and your relationship in detail.
Speaker 1:What is your typical first reaction when someone starts talking about fathers? Is there a time when you knew that your relationship with your father was going to be difficult, challenging, or hurtful?