The Middle of Culture

Peter and Eden compare the two Conan the Barbarian movies — the 1982 John Milius original that made Arnold Schwarzenegger a star, and the 2011 Jason Momoa remake. Peter, mid-outline on a new novel using Jessica Brody's Save the Cat beat sheet, finds the 1982 film fascinating but slow precisely because it ignores modern story beats in favor of a mythic, Wagnerian hero; the 2011 film follows every rule and lands soulless. They break down why the remake fails on nearly every front, geek out over James Earl Jones' Thulsa Doom and Basil Poledouris' score, and flag two upcoming projects: the Schwarzenegger/Christopher McQuarrie King Conan and the gender-swapped French curio She Is Conann. Before that, they catch up on Peter's 50th in Vegas — the Backstreet Boys at the Sphere and 20 laps in a Ferrari 296 GTB — and Spider-Man: Brand New Day.

Show Notes
  • The catch-up: Eden's intrusive thoughts won and they dyed their beard purple rather than shave it again, a look they're keeping until they get bored.
  • Lis's new gig: Peter's wife is now voice faculty at Idaho State University, teaching voice lessons to music majors and sitting in on juries.
  • Eden — Rebecca Black: New Rebecca Black songs keep dropping ahead of an album due in two weeks, and they think she's one of the most interesting people working in pop music right now.
  • Eden — Roll Over and Die: They caught up to the current volumes of the gory, action-packed light novel series Roll Over and Die, even if they wish they'd drop the bloated subtitle.
  • Eden — The Credits Roll Into the Sea: The manga about a 70-year-old widow who enrolls in a university film program after her husband dies had a quiet tenderness they loved. The Credits Roll into the Sea
  • Eden — games: They joined a monthly brothers-in-law co-op night playing Heroes of Hammerwatch, which they think the sequel improves on.
  • Eden — Fields of Mistria: The farming sim Fields of Mistria is out of early access and is one of the better Stardew-likes they've played, on the strength of its character writing.
  • Eden — Bad Movie Bros: Movie night returned with the gloriously bad Gor, a Conan knockoff based on John Norman's sword-and-planet novels, with the sequel already queued.
  • Spider-Man: Brand New Day: The fourth Tom Holland Spider-Man is Peter's favorite of the four and Eden's best yet, both crediting Destin Daniel Cretton's direction.
  • Spider-Man's Punisher: They argued the unusually light Punisher is deliberate — the first person Frank Castle has cared about since his family died, so he drops the grimness around Peter.
  • Peter's 50th in Vegas: The whole family of eight came together in Las Vegas, and Peter correctly guessed the Backstreet Boys' Into the Millennium residency at the Sphere was the Saturday show.
  • Ferrari at SpeedVegas: Lis bought him 20 laps in a Ferrari 296 GTB at SpeedVegas, where he hit about 137 mph on the 2,000-foot straightaway under relentless coaching from his instructor, Nico.
  • Lucky: He's caught up through six episodes of Lucky, an Anya Taylor-Joy con-artist thriller that won't win awards but is a ton of fun.
  • Ted Lasso returns: Season four follows Richmond's new women's team and is unapologetic about the shit women's sports has to put up with.
  • Mortal Kombat: The 2021 Mortal Kombat was so flat Peter skipped the sequel, a midi-chlorian-style explanation for character powers that was completely unnecessary.
  • The Expanse: He's halfway through Leviathan Wakes and enjoying the series so far.
  • Beyond Grace: The UK band's Welcome to the New Dark Ages Part Three completes a heavy, ugly, socially conscious death-metal trilogy he's had on repeat.
  • Death: Returning to Death reminded him what a spectacular discography Chuck Schuldiner left behind, with some eerie prescience on The Sound of Perseverance.
  • Main topic: The episode's feature compares the 1982 and 2011 Conan the Barbarian movies.
  • Why 1982 works: Peter, mid-outline using Save the Cat Writes a Novel's 15 beats, found the Milius film fascinating but slow — a mythic, Wagnerian hero with no B-story and no internal conflict.
  • The 1982 details: Basil Poledouris' score, the Andalusia shoot, and James Earl Jones' scenery-chewing Thulsa Doom carry it, with the riddle-of-steel payoff landing.
  • Why 2011 fails: The remake hits every beat on paper but is soulless — Momoa has no presence, Rose McGowan is the only interesting thing in it, and it's all cheap CGI.
  • 2011 plot holes: Breaking a magic mask into eight pieces instead of a million, elephants dragging a boat through a jungle, and instant travel between far-flung citadels.
  • 2011's politics: Eden flagged how the orcish peoples read as Native American and African while the white characters don't get the same treatment.
  • Financial disaster: The $90 million remake grossed around $60 million, and Peter argues it deserved worse.
  • Worst movies: It sits near the very bottom of everything they've watched, in the running with Knights of the Zodiac and Black Adam.
  • King Conan: A long-in-development King Conan sequel with Schwarzenegger and Christopher McQuarrie is finally moving forward.
  • She Is Conann: Eden discovered She Is Conann, a gender-swapped French take starring five actresses as Conan at different ages, and can't wait to watch it.

What is The Middle of Culture?

The Middle of Culture is what happens when two siblings with too many opinions and not enough chill dive headfirst into movies, music, video games, and whatever else is rotting our brains this week. It’s part pop culture podcast, part sibling rivalry, and fully unfiltered. Expect passionate arguments, niche references, unsolicited rankings, and the occasional moment of unexpected insight. If you’ve ever wanted to eavesdrop on the kind of argument you’d hear at the family dinner table—only with better audio—this is your show.

Peter
00:00
I mean look, I will watch Madame Web three times before I watch this again. Welcome back to the Middle of Culture. I am one of your co-hosts, Peter. And I am your other co-host, Eden. Eden, it's been a little bit.

Eden
00:25
It's been a hot minute. We both had travels. Uh it's the dog days of summer. I what's the etymology of that phrase, I wonder? I don't know

Peter
00:36
It's a good question. I hear the clickety clack and something tells me you're gonna find that answer for us right now.

Eden
00:42
Yeah, I am. I gotta know Oh, it's uh the period following the heliacal rising of the star system Sirius, known colloquially as the dog star, of course. There we go. Of course that's what it is. It's thanks to the moon It's thanks to the star Sirius, the brightest proper star in the night sky.

Peter
01:02
Okay. Well so there you go. There we go. Well, what you been up to?

Eden
01:08
You know, uh surviving, very busy with prepping for the start of the semester. And also, you know, just living life, as you can see, if you're watching uh any of the video clips Uh the um Intrusive Thoughts won. And I dyed my beard purple the other day.

Peter
01:25
You did. And it looks fantastic.

Eden
01:27
It was that or shave it. And then all and Cassie was like Go look at videos from the or photos from the last time you shaved it. And I went and I looked at photos from the last time I shaved my face bald in 2020. And I said, no.

Peter
01:43
I won't I'm not doing that again.

Eden
01:45
Do it again. And so I dyed my hair purple instead. I just used I used one of those, uh it's a semi-permanent dye.

01:52
It's just a conditioner. You just like rub it in and then wait half an hour and then rinse it out. Uh it was fun.

01:59
Uh I will absolutely keep doing it. I've done it two or three times already. Uh I'll keep doing it until I get bored of purple and then I'll probably change colors because it comes in a boatload of different colors.

Peter
02:09
There you go. How about you? What you been up to?

02:12
Uh travel as well. Some travel, some busyness. You know, for me, it's not so much getting ready for school because I mean uh that doesn't matter to me.

02:24
But Gareth's getting ready for school. High school swim season has started, so we've had actually almost two weeks now of practices for that. Lis is getting ready for school.

02:35
I don't know if I had a chance to mention it on the pod, but she is now voice faculty at Idaho State University.

Eden
02:43
Well, congrats to her

Peter
02:45
That's exciting. to music majors, music minors, people who need to be taking voice as part of their uh their program and sitting in in juries and doing stuff like that. And I expect probably at some point um she'll have a choir that she's in charge of.

03:11
Uh right now they're kind of shuffling some of that stuff around. But uh yeah, we're excited. So she's getting ready for that to start and start teaching uh there and you know.

03:21
One of the things that we did, I'll talk about in our what we've been checking out and up to situation. Sounds good. But speaking of, what have you been checking out, Eden?

Eden
03:32
Um, you know, keeping myself busy. Um I'll I'll save I I think Have you seen Brand New Day yet?

Peter
03:40
Yes.

Eden
03:41
We'll save that for that can be the the handoff between what I've been checking out and what you've been checking out. We can collab on that at the end.

Peter
03:49
Um so I'll save it.

Eden
03:51
Some other things worth mentioning. More new Rebecca Black songs have been dropping every week or two because she's got a new album coming out in two weeks, baby.

Peter
03:59
Okay.

Eden
03:59
I'm so excited. The new uh the new the newest song was like a bacchanal of queer uh hedonism and it was super, super cool. The music video was Buckwild.

04:13
Can't think of the name of the song because of course I forgot to write it down. But here we are. Um it was good.

04:19
Uh I'm excited for more. I think she's one of the most interesting people working in pop music right now. Uh and I'm glad she does it.

04:28
Um let's see, other things to mention, things I've been reading. Um, obviously, I read a lot of stuff while I was gone. Um, I mentioned some of it when we recorded last uh that I finished the big long book and was reading some other stuff.

04:43
I read I went back and I read the first couple volumes and finished up to the currently released volumes of Rollover and Die. Which is still really fun, uh, you know, extremely gory, extremely action-packed, um really has a way with making gross fantasy monsters in uh in the series roll over and die. Also, I just wish it didn't have the subtitle.

05:10
I the guy they gotta shorten these titles. Roll over and die. Good title Roll over and die, colon.

05:16
I will fight for an everyday life with my love and my cursed sword or some bullshit like that. It's too

Peter
05:23
Come on, guys. That's a bit much.

Eden
05:25
You got rollover and die. That's a cool name. You don't need to put the fight for a quotidian life or whatever the hell.

05:34
Anyway, it's a pretty good book, though I've read a lot of comics. I don't need to talk about all of them, but one I wanted to mention that I've read is a comic called The Credits Roll into the Sea. Um, which I re I read the first volume of because that's all that's out officially in English so far.

05:53
Um, but I was really impressed with it. The premise of the comic is There is a retiree who is whose husband has passed away, so she's a widow. And she used to love watching movies with him and going to the movies and like had a collection of movies at home that they would watch together, had like a large VHS collection.

06:17
Um, but she's, you know, obviously sad after he's passed away. And she finally decides, I'm gonna just go see or she tries to watch one of her favorite movies and her VCR is broken. So she says, well, I'm I'm gonna go to I'm gonna go to the movies.

06:31
She goes to the movies and as she is in the movie, like going into the movie, she runs into this university age person. um and they talk a little bit about movies and then they go and watch the movie. They're both going to the same v showing.

06:46
And while they're in there He realizes that she is getting as much enjoyment about watching the reactions of the audience as she is to watching the film itself. Um and that and and so he talks to her about that afterwards. She eventually says, Hey, do you know how to fix a VCR?

07:08
Because my VCR is broken. And he's like, I don't really know if I do, but I can try So they he goes to her place, he makes she makes him dinner, they keep talking, he is able to fix her VCR, and he says to her, Hey, I noticed I'm a f I am a student filmmaker. So I watch the reaction of people when they're watching films.

07:27
And that what that's what I'm most interested in. And I think that you are too. And I think that you want to tell stories through film and not just watch stories through film.

07:38
And gives her like the flyer to his like student show or whatever at the university. Um, and so she goes to the university and decides to enrol in the film program there. As like a 70-year-old woman.

07:54
And that's the the rest of the volume so far, that's what it's been about. Is this, you know, retiree, going back to school, learning how to Make films among these 18 to 22 year olds and like working on student films and groups with all these other people. And it just it had like a quietness and a tenderness to it.

08:15
um that was really phenomenal. Um and the way that it it portrayed when she would have those like moments of of like Artistic reverie um as like the tide coming in and washing over her feet was really just like the sort of thing that you can really only do in a medium like comics uh or or even maybe animation. Uh but it was really, really good.

08:42
I I was very impressed by it. I'm really excited to read more of it as it comes out

Peter
08:46
Cool.

Eden
08:47
Um I'll mention a few video games. Um when I was out visiting family, uh my brothers-in-law talked about how about once a month they'll get together in a Discord call and play. a game together and I was like, oh, that sounds fun.

09:01
They were like, would you like to come? And I was like, oh, will you like to invite me? I guess I'll come.

09:07
Uh So I started playing the game that they get together and play together, and we've had a chance to play all once together, the three of us. So I've been playing Heroes of Hammerwatch, which is a Dungeon crawling roguelike. Uh and it's fun.

09:25
It's funner with other people. Um, but you know, it's pretty good. And then I've also been playing the sequel, Heroes of Hammerwatch 2, because It was like two dollars more to buy both games than it was to just buy Heroes of Hammerwatch because the second one was on a deep sale.

09:42
Which then made the bundle on it good sale. So I bought them both. And I was like, okay, I'll buy them both.

09:48
Uh two is much better. Two's a much better game. The gameplay loop's more satisfying.

09:53
It's not quite as quick. The runs seem to last longer in Heroes of Hammerwatch 2, but I think it's more fun. So I think I am I'm pushing for our next game night to be all of us play that together.

10:05
Have them come to my world because I'll have the most unlocked stuff. Because when we all played on the first one, we went to my brother-in-law Brendan's world because he has unlocked all of the town stuff. Now I don't have all the town stuff unlocked in two yet, but I'm getting I'm getting pretty close.

Peter
10:22
Cool.

Eden
10:23
Um and then the other game I would mention um because it finally came out in 1. 0 not too long ago. um is Fields of Mistria, which is a it's a Stardew Valley alike.

10:35
Um but it's really cute. It's very fun. It's in kind of a More of a fantastical world than Stardew Valley is.

10:42
At least more explicitly fantastical. But what I'm really enjoying about it is I'll I think the characters are really well Done. Like I think the designs are fun.

10:53
I think the writing is fairly good, you know, for as thin as the character writing is ever gonna be in a farming game, because they're not yeah You're not getting deep uh party mechanics and things like that unless you're playing Harvestella. But that's because that was an RPG that they just tacked at. Farming zip on the top of.

11:12
So you got RPG stuff. So yeah, you had a big party and you got really involved in their lives. It's not that kind of a game.

11:17
It's very much more like a Stardew Valley, but it's really good. I'm quite impressed with it. It's one of the better ones of those that I've played.

11:25
Um, and then the last thing I'll mention before we go into talking brand new day stuff. For the most recent uh convocation of the bad movie bros, because it has been like two or three months since we got together on a Sunday night to watch a movie. This last Sunday we got together to watch Gor.

11:45
Are you familiar with Gor, Peter? I am not. G-O-R-Gor.

11:51
Um, it's a fantasy world, it's a sword and sandals fantasy world, very Conan-esque. So it felt appropriate based on our topic for today. Um but It's written by this guy who's like a weird a weird sex guy in that he has very particular BDSM tastes and uh likes to roleplay women as sex slaves, uh and wrote a whole book, in fact, called Imaginative Sex.

12:28
um about sex role plays between a husband and wife, uh almost all of which are a woman in a subservient role to a man. Um because that's what he did. And that's kind of the like His name's John Norman, and uh that's kind of the whole thing about the world of gore.

12:48
There's like 38 novels. A new one came out like four or five years ago. But also He was like a professor during this whole time.

12:57
This is a pen name that he wrote under. And he was like a like a normal ass professor guy. Uh and has been married to the same woman since 1956.

Peter
13:07
Okay.

Eden
13:08
So has he been doing weird sex BDSM with the same woman since 1950? I don't wanna know. But uh the important part is uh it was a not good movie in uh in the good ways.

13:21
It was so good it was bad, or so bad it was good. Um, unlike other Sword and Sandal movies, which we might be talking about later in this exact episode. Um, I had a very fun time with Gor.

13:34
Apparently there's also a sequel called Outlaws of Gor, which we've already got queued up for the next time we get together on a Sunday night call together. uh it was very bad I had a blast um so if you want to watch if you want to watch a good bad uh Sword and Sandals movie Gor is on Amazon Prime go watch it There you go. So let's talk Spider-Man.

13:58
What do you think about Spider-Man, Peter?

Peter
13:59
Spider-Man. Um, here's the thing. I really, really like these Tom Holland Spider-Man movies. And you know what? I thought Brand New Day was another one of those.

Eden
14:11
Um see, I don't really like the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies very well. And I thought this one was pretty good. Nice.

Peter
14:18
Yeah, I really dig them. I thought I I think this is probably one of my favorite of the four. Oh, I think it was it's easily the best of the four for me. Um I think it may be the best. I think because of the nostalgia and some of the moments for me, No Way Home probably still is my favorite, but I do think this is a much better movie than No Way Home.

Eden
14:40
And see, for me, the nostalgia of No Way Home just pissed me off. Sure. So I uh I really didn't like No Way Home very much.

14:49
Um and it didn't help that it was it was so clearly a COVID production. Um that everything is so clearly done on a green screen. Like the entire film, they didn't build like one set for that movie.

15:01
uh and I think that that hurt the way that it looked. Um but also I I like the cast, but I just felt like They weren't given very good things to work with in those first three. I think Homecoming's probably the strongest of the three, mostly on the strength of Michael Keaton's performance.

Peter
15:19
as the vulture.

Eden
15:20
That scene where they're in the car together is one of the best like scenes in a superhero movie in terms of like building tension and it's really good. And then Far From Home really sucked because it was more just like, oh, Iron Man's dead. We're all so sad.

15:38
And also Mysterio, cool design, bad execution. And then I didn't care for No Way Home. I thought Brand New Day was pretty good though.

15:46
I think that uh Destin Daniel Cretton, whatever the hell his name is, the director, he's better. He makes better movies, I think.

Peter
15:55
It looked a lot better.

Eden
15:57
The action was a lot tighter, a lot more carefully constructed. Um

Peter
16:03
Which honestly didn't surprise me because I still think that Shang-Chi is one of the best post-endgame Marvel movies.

Eden
16:12
Oh yeah, I forgot he was the Shang-Chi guy. Yeah, that was good. Shang-Chi had some great that that was that was a good looking movie.

16:18
It was fun. Yeah. Um yeah, no, I thought this one was really, really a lot of fun.

16:24
Uh, it made me like Jon Bernthal's Punisher more than any of the stuff I've seen of him in Daredevil or his show. Because I was like, man, I hate the Punisher. But I liked this version of the Punisher.

16:36
I thought he was very good bouncing off of Peter Parker.

Peter
16:41
So I want to briefly talk about something. We went to go see this. We were down in Vegas.

16:46
All of us, the whole family, all eight of us. We went to go see it there. And because we wanted to be in good seats, kind of close to the middle, we had to sort of split the eight of us up, four on one row, four on the other row.

16:57
And so I was there and it was me and Liz. and then Alex and Lily. And it was really interesting to me when it was over uh the kind of negative way that especially Alex was talking about it.

17:08
But One of the things I thought was interesting, and you're welcome to tell me I'm full of shit, but they were talking about, um, they were complaining about the Punisher. And they were like, oh, he wasn't dark enough. He was too funny.

17:21
He was too whatever. And my counter to that was That was on purpose. That wasn't uh an accidental thing that they did.

17:31
This wasn't them sort of trying to sanitize the character. I felt what they were showing is this is This relationship between Punisher and Spider-Man, between Peter and why am I blinking on his name? Frank.

17:48
Between this relationship between Peter and Frank that has developed. Off screen, which I appreciate they didn't, they trusted us to be able to pick up on this. This is this is them showing us Frank, for the first time since his family was killed, has another human being that he gives a damn about.

Eden
18:11
Yeah, I think that's 100% the case. Uh because like I I appreciated that they understood that a person is going to act different in different circumstances. When sad boy Frank Castle is around sad boy Mark or Matt Murdoch, guess what? The sad boy, the sad boy feelings increase.

Peter
18:35
The ennui just stews itself.

Eden
18:38
Yeah, because you got two sad boys, one who's Catholic and one who lost his family. And so they're both sad for different reasons, but they're both just bummers. That ain't that ain't Spider-Man.

18:47
Spider-Man ain't a bummer like that even when he is a bummer. Cause this is the most bummer Spider-Man's been. But he's still He still fundamentally is the guy who before he gets in a fight is like, let me stretch.

18:58
Let me stretch. I ain't I ain't a kid anymore. Do you do you stretch?

19:02
It's so good for you. Like he's still that guy Um, and so I appreciated that they understand that Frank is gonna act different around him than he does around Daredevil. Um I can see how people would be like, oh, it's a mischaracterization.

19:18
I didn't feel that way about it

Peter
19:19
Yeah, I didn't either.

Eden
19:21
Uh and I gotta say, Sadie Sink. I thought she was so good.

Peter
19:25
She was great. I thought she was so good. 100%

Eden
19:28
Uh it did make me I you know we don't need to get into spoilers, but I will say that when we all left the theater, uh you know, I was there, yeah, as as per usual, seeing a comic book movie. I was there with all my uh friends from the comic shop. We all left it saying, she's and she's one of the good guys in the X-Men movie?

19:46
She's one of our heroes of the X-Men movie. I don't I don't I I'll we'll see where they take it, but she's not much of a hero in this one, guys. Not at all.

19:58
But yeah, I thought it was really good. I had a very fun time. Um I do think Doomsday is gonna be dreadful though.

20:05
Every time I see these trailers, I'm like, this movie's gonna suck so bad.

Peter
20:09
I am a little apprehensive. I am apprehensive. Yeah, I I Yeah, needless to say, uh Doomsday is not the movie coming out that weekend that I will be seeing that weekend.

Eden
20:23
Isn't it the same weekend as Dunk 3?

Peter
20:26
Uh it is.

Eden
20:27
I mean I'll probably here's the problem is I will be taken to both by two different groups of friends probably. I'll see them both that weekend, unfortunately.

Peter
20:35
You know, if I'm not on call, I may see one one night and one the other, but I will definitely be choosing to go see Dune 3 before I see Doomsday.

Eden
20:45
That's fair. That's fair. We gotta see Anya Taylor Joy be a weird freak, uh a weird freak girl with weird freak tendencies.

Peter
20:53
So Yeah.

Eden
20:54
That's what she does.

Peter
20:56
It's true. It's true. Anyway, what you been up to?

20:59
So that actually beautifully segues into what I've been up to. Um We've had some time off. I it was an interesting July, you know, end of June through early August was kind of weird for me.

21:12
We went to London. We got back. We were here for about a week.

21:16
And then the following weekend, Lis and Gareth left to go to Boise. They were in Boise for three days. Then they were in California for a week.

21:23
And so it was just me kind of chilling home alone for like 10 days. And then they got back. And then that weekend we went to Las Vegas.

21:30
We went to Vegas for my 50th birthday celebration. They invited all the kids. We flew Aubrey and Hayden out here.

21:37
And so For the first time, we had all eight of us together. Um, Liz, me, Jess, Gareth, Alex, Lily, Hayden, and Aubrey. And it was awesome.

21:48
It was wonderful. We had a couple rooms in the signature at MGM, which are really, I like them a lot. They're a little off the strip.

21:56
They're part of the MGM Grand. So you can get over into the grand through completely uh enclosed air conditioned because the coolest day we were there it was 113 degrees. It was it was utterly miserable.

22:10
It was 100 degrees at seven o'clock in the morning Um and so so it was nice to be able to go over there. We can use the pools and the MGM Grand, that kind of stuff, but it's not a casino. It's just their condos.

22:24
You have a kitchenette. Um it's it was nice. So we went down there.

22:28
We went down there for something that we did on Saturday, but because of something I had mentioned before, I knew we were going to Vegas. I didn't know what we were doing. Being the kind of person I am, I kind of tried to see if I could guess what it was.

22:39
I ended up guessing correctly. But the first thing I did is I looked to see, oh, I wonder what's in the sphere. Because I'm trying to think, I'm not a gambler.

22:48
Vegas isn't a place where I'm like, oh my gosh, I want to go to Vegas. But it was me thinking, okay, what is in Vegas that's only in Vegas that that would be where we're going? And so the first thing I thought, the sphere, I went and looked and I saw who was in the sphere, and I said, nope, that is definitely not it.

23:07
But when I told my wife it was, she laughed and I said, But I would totally go. And so We ended up all going, all eight of us went and saw the Backstreet Boys in the Sphere.

Eden
23:18
All right.

Peter
23:19
It was a blast. It was a great show. It was a ton of fun.

23:23
The sphere is an absolute experience. Um The visuals are cool. The sound's great.

23:29
I mean, it was it was a very, very fun time. Um, Lis had so much fun. She loved it way more than she thought she was going to.

23:37
I thoroughly enjoyed it. It wasn't, again, I'm not a big Backstreet Boys fan, but it was a ton of fun. The main reason we went is because then on Saturday, we went down to Speed Vegas and Lis had bought me 20 laps in a Ferrari 296 GTB.

23:53
It was incredible. I did 23 laps because it was like I'd do seven laps and then a cooldown lap, seven laps and a cooldown lap. Six laps and then one final cooldown cooldown lap.

24:05
But yeah, I got to drive this Ferrari really fast. I got up to about 137 miles an hour on the little 2,000-foot straightaway. Uh some hairpin turns.

24:16
Little slalom section. I was driving with Nico. He was my coach and he was unrelenting.

24:22
He just kept pushing me. He was like faster, faster. Give me more gas.

24:25
Give me more gas. Get off the brake. Okay, break hard.

24:27
Get off the brake. Turn here. It just like really pushing me to try and get me the fastest lap time I could do.

24:32
And it was a ton of fun. And after 20 laps, I got out of that car. I was freaking exhausted.

24:37
I bet. It was it was intense. But it was so cool.

24:41
It was a ton of fun. So we had a good time. We sat backstreet boys.

24:44
I drove a fast car. We had some good food and we just hung out as a family. It was incredible.

24:49
Well, that's good. But before we went down there, while we were gone, I had some time to watch or while they were gone, I had some time to watch some things. And one of the things I watched is the limited series Lucky on Apple TV.

25:00
I think it has now completed, but I have not watched the final episode yet. I'm caught up through the first six episodes. But Lucky is a uh a limited series thing it's based off a book and the main character is played by Anya Taylor Joy.

25:14
So speaking of Anya Taylor Joy doing weird things. She is basically she is a con person. She is a con woman.

25:22
She is a criminal. She was raised that way by her father. Her father was that.

25:26
And she has got herself into some deep, deep shit. And it's her conning her way out of it. It's fun.

25:35
Is it gonna win any awards? No. Either the it's interesting. The consensus seems to be kind of split.

25:41
Some people really like it, other people like, ah, it's not that great But you know what? It rides on Anya Taylor Joy. She does such a good job in it.

25:49
She is so captivating in as this con woman. She like I know she's a con woman and there are still times where she's pulling off this con and she's so good that I'm like, I believe it. And I'm like, I'm feeling path pathos for her because because of this situation that she is.

26:09
Spinning and then I'm like, wait a second, this is all a freaking lie. None of what she is saying is true. So I think it's great.

26:16
It's a ton of fun. Um, I really enjoyed it. Speaking of Apple TV, uh Ted Lasso is back.

26:22
My wife and I have watched the first three episodes. I mean, we've been watching one a week since it came out. It is so fun to have more Ted Lasso.

26:29
I really enjoy it. I like the characters a lot. I like what they're doing with this season so far.

Eden
26:33
I have I have a question about Ted Lasso as a non- as a non-Ted head. Yes. Is this cause Jason Sudeikis's divorce from Olivia Wilde is going bad and he needs money?

26:45
Cause I thought he was like I'm done playing this character. I don't want to get over it. And then like two years later he's like, actually, why don't I do a season four?

26:54
This reads to me like the divorce is getting expensive.

Peter
26:58
So I don't know about that. I know that that was part of the previous three-season run of Ted Lasso is that was percolating in the background and that influenced some of the story and everything that was being told. My understanding, and of course this is the way that things are spun, but obviously it did really well for Apple TV.

27:17
Oh, yeah. So they were willing to and and had and And here's the only reason, well, and timing, who knows? Apple's been saying, hey, we would love to give you all a bunch of money.

27:26
We have a dump truck full of money we would love to give you if you want to do some more. According to the reports, that it was finally there was a story that Jason Sudeikis was like, okay, yeah, this is a this is a compelling story that I I would like to come back for, but who knows? It's really it's all focusing on the women's football team that Richmond uh at the end of the original series of Ted Lasso.

27:50
Uh Keeley and Rebecca are like, yeah, we're gonna have a women's team. And it's like, cool, great. And this is very unapologetic about the shit that women's sports has the women in women's sports has to put up with.

28:06
Um their their locker room is horrible. Their kits aren't arriving on time, sponsors are pulling out. Uh and so it's it's very, very honest about the differences between men's and women's sports.

28:23
And you can kind of go and look and stuff and see that Jason Sudeikis has a pretty lengthy uh he he has a relationship with Caitlin Clark of the WNBA, who has probably been the most shit on woman sports person in the last decade. And uh and a lot of it because she's actually very good. And so you can see that this actually has been a thing for him is trying to get more recognition for talented women athletes.

28:54
and to get people to pay attention and stuff. So I th i that aspect of it is where I go, I would believe if somebody was like, hey, we have a good story that we want to tell about this, are you interested? And I could see where that could be something where he's like, okay.

29:09
So it's been good. We're enjoying it. I always like more Ted Lasso.

29:13
A couple other things really quick so we can get to our main topic. I finally watched 2021's Mortal Kombat. Thinking I would then follow it up with 2026 Mortal Kombat 2.

29:22
Mortal Kombat 1 kind of sucks. And so I did not watch Mortal Kombat 2 Can I be perfectly honest?

Eden
29:28
I haven't seen it yet.

Peter
29:30
You know, it's the characters are not that interesting. The main character isn't even uh an Mortal Kombat character he's made specifically for the movies. It in it brings in this whole aspect of they have to unlock their anima, which is their magic.

29:45
And each person only has anima to do like one special move. So it's trying to it's it's kind of like the midi-chlorians. It's trying to give some explanation to the powers that the characters have in the game It's completely unnecessary.

30:00
Uh next time I am home alone and bored, I will think about watching Mortal Kombat 2, but I wouldn't be surprised if I think about it and then go. No, I don't need to do that.

Eden
30:13
So uh do you have you seen slash do you have fondness for the old 90s Mortal Kombat films?

Peter
30:19
I don't know if I've ever actually seen them all the way through. So I do not have any fondness for them.

Eden
30:24
I never had either. I watched it a couple of I guess a few weeks ago at a friend's birthday party. Uh and I'd forgotten until you mentioned the 2021 one. And then I was like, oh yeah, we watched that. It's not very good in entertaining ways.

Peter
30:39
Yeah, that's the sad thing about the 2021 one is it's not very good in not super entertaining ways. Um it's kind of one of those, it's not so bad, it's good. But it's also not so bad it's bad. It's just kind of flat. And I found it rather uninteresting.

Eden
30:58
Well, that's because it's not made by Paul W. S. Anderson.

Peter
31:01
It's true. It is not. A couple other things in terms of books, I you know, I've been starting the expanse series.

31:10
Um, not far enough in. to really go into it. I'm about halfway through Leviathan Wakes, did the two kind of novellas that precede that chronologically.

31:21
I am enjoying it. I think it's interesting so far. uh reading a couple other nonfiction things.

31:26
And then on the music front, a few things worth mentioning. The UK band Beyond Grace released their uh EP Welcome to the New Dark Ages Part 3. Uh it's great.

31:39
The Welcome to the New Dark Ages trilogy is fantastic. I am loving it. It is Uh it is heavy, ugly, aggressive death metal that is extremely socially conscious.

31:53
And, you know, I mean there's a title. There's the last song on part three is the title, If you tolerate this, your children will be next. So that's kind of what you're getting into.

32:02
They're awesome. It sounds great. And I've been playing those three back to back kind of on repeat ever since it came out a couple weeks ago.

32:08
And the other thing I wanted to mention is on a whim based off something, you know, some passing YouTube video I saw, I kind of started listening to Death again. And oh my gosh. Death is just so good.

32:21
I mean, yeah. Chuck Schuldiner was such a talented songwriter, and his ability to bring together just astonishingly so astonishingly talented support people for the different albums. The evolution of the band from Scream Bloody Gore to the Sound of Perseverance is Just cool to see.

32:42
And going back and listening to all of Death's albums, just reminded again, just what a spectacularly strong discography that is. uh and and really just just loving it. I mean it's so good.

32:58
One of the things that was interesting as I was listening to the sound of perseverance is there are a lot of things And and some lyrical things where you I kind of am listening to it and and you almost get this impression that even though at the time these songs were being recorded, Chuck didn't know about his pontine glioma It's almost like some part of him knew that something was going on. Yeah. Um, there's a lot of just, you know, prescience to some of the lyrical uh uh themes on that album and just again phenomenal phenomenal uh music So that's kind of what I've been checking out.

33:46
Let's get into our main topic. Let's do it. We talked about checking out some movies where we have a the first version of this movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and a second version of this same movie starring somebody else And we thought we would start with Conan the Barbarian.

34:07
I chose this one because Conan really was the first of the ones with Arnold And is one of his much earlier movies and and I think could easily be argued that is the movie that sort of put Arnold on the map. Yeah. So tell me, Eden, about Conan the Barbarian and your relationship, your thoughts, because I know you've mentioned in passing you have fondness for this movie, but let's let's hear it.

34:33
Let's hear it.

Eden
34:35
So uh uh I love the film Conan the Barbarian from nineteen eighty-two, directed by weird crypto-libertarian John Milius. Uh-huh. The thing is, there's so much I like about this movie.

34:53
I love uh Schwarzenegger. I think he owns it, even though and I know the the Conan purists do not care for his casting. Because he does not look like a Sumerian.

35:04
He is not swarthy enough. He doesn't have black hair in a terrible bob. And that is what Conan has in the books.

35:11
Black hair in a terrible bob. But I think he's great. Sandahl Bergman kills it.

35:17
She's so good. Apparently, she uh this was a thing after we finished Gor, then uh Amazon Prime was like Hey, do you want to watch some other things? And there was some weird Sword and Sandal movies from the 80s starring Sandahl Bergman called She about a cool uh Empress who is doing cool sword and sandal shit and I was like, God, I gotta watch this movie.

35:41
And everybody else who was in the uh in the call had already seen it, and they were like, Eden, how have you not seen the movie? She Uh, and it's just because I didn't know it existed, but now I do, and now I gotta watch it. Um, I think James Earl Jones is some of the most inspired casting.

36:00
Because this is a mere five years after Star Wars, where he plays one of the greatest big bads of all time. And then they're like, hey, do you want to play one of the weirdest big bads of all time with your face out this time and the worst wig you've ever worn in a film? And he said, can I chew the scenery?

36:20
And they said, we actually require you to. And he does. Uh I think Thulsa Doom is so cool, dog.

36:30
Uh I just there's so much about this movie that I enjoy. Um I Cassie and I refer to the scene all the time when he and Subutai are drunk And that camel comes out of nowhere. And Conan just goes, and just like punches the camel to death.

36:50
A single, a single drunken sucker punch kills a camel. And I'm like, that's movies. That's the cinema to me.

37:00
Uh I just love it. I think that the sets are incredible. I think the costuming is incredible.

37:07
That prayer to crom at the end is another one of those things that Cassie and I quote to each other all the time where we're like, crom! I've never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it.

37:19
It's like such a kill. Oh my god! It's so cool.

37:23
I love this fucking movie. Good.

Peter
37:26
I'm glad.

Eden
37:26
But you but you didn't like it as much.

Peter
37:28
So tell me about why you didn't like it as much. So here's what I'll say: Conan the Barbarian is a fascinating movie. There's a lot going on here.

37:39
And I appreciate the way this movie completely just does not give a rat's ass about your expectations. for how a movie should be how a story should be told in a movie. Not at all.

37:53
And I I come at that because I'm in the m you know I'm in the midst of preparing to write another book. And this time around, I'm really focusing on kind of the save the cat writes the novel rates a novel method that has the 15 beats, and I'm solidifying each one of these beats before I start doing any writing, so I have at least the skeleton of, okay, here are the key parts I need in a book. Save the Cat writes a novel, was written by Jessica Brody, off of the idea of Save the Cat, which was written about screenplays.

38:24
Yes. So that's what the original Save the Cat was, is it was here are the key things, the key elements you need in a screenplay. And John Millius and um Who else?

38:36
It was Oliver Stone.

Eden
38:37
Oliver Stone. It is widely reported that very, very, very little of Oliver Stone's script survived to the end of this filming.

Peter
38:48
Needless to say, these people who came up with this concept for this movie didn't care about those beats. Now at the same time, this movie vastly precedes that book being written. But that book was being written saying, hey, here's what movies do and here's what screenplays do.

39:03
So it was really interesting to look at this and go, oh, there's a lot that Isn't in this movie that we kind of subconsciously expect from movies these days. For example, the film is 100% A-story. There is no B story in this movie whatsoever.

39:21
we get very little about the internal sort of motivation or anything of Conan really. And so it kind of feels weird watching it in 2026. And I realized watching this, I've never seen Conan, The Barbarian.

39:39
Really? I've seen parts of it. I'm familiar with a lot of it, but I had never watched this whole movie start to finish.

39:46
The things that are fascinating about it, but so so here's what I'll say. I find it a fascinating movie. Sure.

39:53
I kind of also found it boring.

Eden
39:55
I think that's I think it's fair. I think that there are some real pacing issues. Um Yeah, I I see where you're coming from where like it just it doesn't fit the beats that you expect from storytelling and the pacing is weird. There are it it has a dragging middle act for sure.

Peter
40:14
Well, and it's fascinating because in some of my reading for this, you see that that Milius was approaching this as he's creating a mythic hero. Yes. And in the stories, in the myths, we don't know the motivation.

40:30
You think of Greek mythology Nobody's trying to understand the motivation or the minds of the gods or the heroes and that kind of stuff. It's just there. We see their actions.

40:40
And their actions are what then define them as these heroes or these larger-than-life characters. And I I think that that's what Milius is going for with Conan. That's why there is no B-Story.

40:50
That's why there is no really understanding much of an internal conflict in Conan, other than you could slightly say, I guess, whether he decides you know, does he really believe in Crum, yay or nay? But there's the other thing that that I saw referenced is Wagnerian opera. So you know the soundtrack for this is almost as long as the movie itself.

Eden
41:13
It's and it's dope as hell

Peter
41:15
That was a great soundtrack.

Eden
41:17
When we get to the 2011 film, we can talk about how bad it blows it in most departments, but one of them is the soundtrack. Because as I sat there watching it last night, I was like, why does it sound so lifeless? This is not a good soundtrack. Whereas the soundtrack for uh this the soundtrack for the 82 film is stunning.

Peter
41:37
It's so good. Oh yeah, no. I mean Poledouris does a masterful job with that. And it's really interesting to see that rather than having the complete movie and then hit him sitting down, Poledouris wrote them those music for this.

41:52
just off like the screenplay and the like the storyboards. So you know the there's so many things about the way this movie was made. make it unique.

42:04
And that's why I think it's a fascinating movie that is absolutely worth being worth watching, worth being studied, and and worth the cultural impact that it continues to have. Yeah.

Eden
42:19
Well, and that's the thing, is like there weren't uh they had sword and sandal films before Conan and the Barbarian came out. Um But none of them hit as hard. And s every single one that comes out afterwards is trying to do a Conan.

42:38
And most of them are not succeeding. Conan the Destroyer, for all intents and purposes, fails in so many ways in comparison to this one. Red Sonja is trying to do this and fails.

42:49
Again, that movie Gor is trying to do this and fails. And it's fun to watch it fail, but like it is a failure.

Peter
42:56
Exactly. And the key, you know, one of the interesting things is if you don't know what you're getting into, it can be a little jarring going and watching Conan. If you have any experience.

43:08
with Arnold 80s action movies. Yeah. Because you're expecting a a lot faster pace More action and you know Arnold's personality kind of coming through and some, you know, some some dry humor and some quips and stuff like that.

43:24
I mean he's not quipping in this one. And I again intentionally so. And again, part of it is we've got there was a lot of concern about his accent and and all this, but this is a very different movie written with a very different purpose in mind.

43:39
Yeah. And that's what makes it Really singular in these sword and sandal, especially that late 70s, 80s action movies, is it's trying to do something different. And I think very much so succeeds in what it is trying to do.

Eden
43:57
Yeah. But I can see how you were like a little bored by it. I get it. I think that that's true of almost all of these movies. I think they all just kind of sag because they want to make a two-hour plus thing and you've got about 80 minutes of story.

Peter
44:11
Yeah, it's true.

Eden
44:13
This is extremely common. Uh yeah.

Peter
44:16
I agree with you that I think James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom, his wig is the most insane thing. Oh, he's so common. Stop looking at the bangs.

Eden
44:27
His speech about the riddle of flesh versus the riddle of steel is one of the greatest scenes in cinema, man. It's so good.

Peter
44:35
It's excellent. And and there's interesting things in here where you see the movie starts with the riddle of steel and then pays off In that at the end of the movie, what defeats Thulsa Doom is that sword. Yeah, it is the riddle of flesh still.

44:53
But it's it's been broken, but it still ultimately wins out against the riddle of flesh. And I think that's an important thing to mention in as we in in another minute or two move into the second half of this. But I don't think we need to go through the plot.

45:10
It's Conan and the Barbarian. It's Conan. If you haven't watched it, absolutely go watch it.

45:14
And I say this again as someone who kind of found it boring. It is worth watching. It should be watched.

45:19
It is an important movie that I think does interesting things and and deserves a place in the pantheon of well-known popular, you know. good movies that people look at highly with high regard. It wasn't universally regarded at the time it came out.

Eden
45:35
No, no, it's one of those ones that had to get a cult following. Like it made enough to get a sequel. But barely, and it really only got popular when home video came along, as so many cool movies from the 70s and 80s that's true for.

45:48
Home video came along, people got the VHS and they were like, this is good as hell. How did we not watch this movie? Um, yeah, I I think it's great.

45:57
I think you should all go watch it and here's all I'll say as a wrap-up. I own three movies on 4K Blu-ray. Madame Web, Battle Angel Alita, which I still haven't seen, but it was on sale for $2 for the 4K Blu-ray.

46:14
And Conan the Barbarian. So That's how much I love this movie, listeners. I bought a 4K Blu-ray so that I could watch it in all 4,000 pixels.

Peter
46:26
There you go. And the other two I only got because they were on really good sales. Briefly, I'll say Battle Angel Alita is a sad movie to watch in big in that I actually kind of like it quite a bit. And it was sad that it never did well enough for us to get more in that world.

Eden
46:42
Well, I really like the comic. I think Alita Battle Angel's dope as hell, and I just haven't gotten around to it. I've had it for probably five years at this point. But every time I'm like, I should watch a Battle Angel Alita, I watch something else.

Peter
46:54
Well, you know, maybe we'll have to think about that as a possible future episode.

Eden
46:59
It's not a bad idea. I already got it.

Peter
47:01
So let's break our hearts. I agree with you. I agree with you.

47:05
Good movie. People should watch it. And I'm gonna just go ahead and say straight up what people should not watch and bad movie don't watch should waste their time with.

47:14
is 2011's Conan the Barbarian. Bad movie don't watch. I apologized to you.

47:21
You did. For making us watch this movie. And and I'm sure now that you've seen it, you understood why I apologized.

Eden
47:28
I did. Um, cause here's the thing. Uh while this follows

Peter
47:36
the tropes of storytelling in a way that this hits the 15 beats much.

Eden
47:41
This is in fact a perfect recitation of the 15 beats, but I think also shows the limits of following the rules in that way. Because if you were to map it out, this is a perfect example of what you should do, whereas the other one is an example of how you shouldn't do it. But it's so soulless.

47:58
There's nothing here. Momoa has no screen presence whatsoever. Um Uh Rose McGowan is the only interesting character in the entire cast.

48:09
Everything else sucks. Stephen Lang is so boring as Khalar Zym. Rachel Nichols is given nothing to do as Tamara.

48:16
There's nothing there. Uh This movie is boring as fuck.

Peter
48:22
Yeah. And that's the thing, is it was very different. It was a very different kind of boring.

48:29
Conan the Barbarian, the 1982 film, I found a little boring because of again pacing issues. Not quite matching maybe some expectations uh that I had going in, which were no fault whatsoever of the movie itself. It was just my anticipation that I was watching.

48:49
An earlier but a classic 80s Arnold action movie, and that is not at all what this is. No. And this is a 2011's action movie that is utterly paint by the numbers, soulless, devoid of any again, nothing about this is interesting. Everything about it is it just banal as can be.

Eden
49:16
It shocks me how empty everything feels even though they built like big sets for a lot of it like there's particularly one set piece that's kind of the the end of the second act set piece Um where they have the cool the it's really the only good part of the movie where there's the the sand boys who are are bumping out of the sand. That's clearly a set, and they built a big set. Uh it looks like an expensive set, 'cause it's quite large, and lots of, you know, fake stone and wood and all that sort of stuff But it just doesn't look real in a way that like you watch that 82 one and you see Thulsa Doom's castle in the hills of Spain because they built a fucking castle in the hills of Spain That Conan is walking up a mountain to.

50:08
Nothing they it doesn't have a sense of place in that same way. And I you know, a lot of that comes down to you can tell that as soon as you are not looking at the set and seeing the uh area around the set. We're in CGIville.

50:22
They did not actually go to a place and built film these things. Uh it's all clearly been shot on sets, so it just feels kind of lifeless and empty um in a way that you know the Arnie one doesn't because it's shot in, you know, Andalucia. Um they they they watched those 60s uh um westerns.

50:43
They were like, let's do that but for solar and sandals and ruin whole tracts of land in Spain with some wild sets we built. And that's not what they're doing here. And I'm just, I, I, you know, I was reading the Wikipedia page about it, and apparently uh Momoa beat Jared Padalecki.

51:02
as one of the characters. Do you know who Jared Padelecki is? I don't. Do you know anything about the show Supernatural?

Peter
51:11
Uh I know of it. I have never seen it.

Eden
51:14
He's the less hot brother from supernatural.

Peter
51:17
Okay.

Eden
51:17
And now I could maybe not speaking to my preferences when it comes to boys But he is the less hot brother from Supernatural. He is Rory's dirtbag first uh boyfriend from Gilmore Girls. And I wanna live in a world where he was Conan because I think the movie would have been so bad it's good because he's He would at least have something to bring to it because Momoa has nothing.

51:41
And I kinda I like Momoa occasionally Occasionally, it's not often. I think he's mostly a pretty bad actor. I will admit I've never seen the Aquaman movies.

51:51
That first Aquaman's supposed to be pretty good, but I don't care about Aquaman, so I've never seen those movies. Uh we talked previously about how he is not good in F9, F10, he's in 10. He is quite bad in that.

52:06
Uh so I'm not he was dog shit as Lobo in the terrible supergirl movie. The more I think the more space I have from that film, the lower my opinion is of it. He's terrible in that movie.

52:19
Uh Uh so I want to live in a world where it was Jared Patalecki because at least I think it kinda it could have been funny.

Peter
52:27
There you go. You know, here's there's again, I'm not going to waste time on the story because the story is dog shit. But it's interesting to me.

52:37
that the story is completely different. I don't know why. I assumed it would at least have some semblance to the original.

52:44
It has none whatsoever. It's just some stupid, again. .

52:48
. random tropey okay we're gonna find I mean here's the thing can I just get this off my chest yes they they this mask This mask of the whatever, the stupid necromantic sorcerer people. Uh-huh.

53:06
They can break the mask. into the different pieces to hide them. Yeah.

53:12
Why the fuck didn't you just break them pieces all the way, you dumbasses?

Eden
53:16
Yeah, why didn't you break it into a bajillion of pieces? Why didn't you break it into eight pieces?

Peter
53:20
Just make it so that can't be put back together because, oh, we need a stupid ass reason for the story. It's interesting. I will actually, as I was thinking about it just now There are some ways in which this thing even fails and falls down at the classic sort of 15 beats of of a story.

53:39
And one of the big ones is there is zero journey whatsoever for Conan. Conan from the very beginning is the best. He's a badass.

53:48
He's a little kid. Even when he's a kid. Yeah, he goes out and he decides he wants to do the trial thing, so he's got the little looks like a quail egg in his mouth.

53:57
And in the midst of this, he then attacks and kills five raider type people who are look coming for him and then he gets back and he still has the still has the egg. So he he completed the trial, none of the other boys did. And in the meantime, like it's just there's no development of him And and that's in contrast to Arnold who starts out as a little kid who gets captured and then grows on the wheel of pain and then is forced to become a pit fighter. And so we know why he's a badass.

54:28
Yeah.

Eden
54:29
Well, we know why 2011 Conan is a badass too. And he was raised by Sluminate for a paycheck. Uh um Ron Perlman.

54:39
Ron Perlman. There's two there's two big slummin it for a paychecks here. One of them even worse than the other, which is Uh Mr. I will come into your uh recording booth for 13 minutes, uh Morgan Freeman doing the narration for this film.

54:56
When the narration started, I was like, is that fucking Morgan Freeman? Is he gonna be in this movie? He is not in this movie.

55:04
He is Mr. appearing in your uh recording booth for 13 minutes for a $50,000 check. Which more power to you, Morgan. Um, but no, Perlman is slummin it as the dad, and that's why he's so cool, is because his dad is fucking hellboy dog.

55:19
Uh here's the thing. Here's one of my weird complaints about this movie. Why aren't there weird orc people?

55:25
The fuck is that? There's no orcs in Hyboria. What are we doing?

55:30
Why are they weird? And here's the here is my real problem with the film. This is me putting my real goofy hat on.

55:37
Why are they all ethnicized to be like real-life ethnicities and those are the orcish people? Oh, the Orkish people read as Native American and or African, but the white people aren't Orcish in the same way. And it's like There's some racial politics to this film that I don't really care for, guys.

55:56
What the hell? Yeah.

Peter
55:58
Yeah, it's just it's it's so Bad in so many ways. Really bad. Really bad. Again, I think that it is Not wrong to say that this may be one of the very worst movies we have watched for this podcast.

Eden
56:17
I know there's at least one worse, and that is Knights of the Zodiac.

Peter
56:21
Yeah, that was the same one that was in my mind. That's why I said one of the worst.

Eden
56:25
But it is hard for me to think of a worse movie other than Knights of the Zodiac.

Peter
56:32
I mean look, I will watch Madame Web three times before I watch this again. And we all know how I Yeah, but we know how I felt about Madame Web. Yeah, that's true.

56:41
I mean, you know what? You know what? I think there's a chance.

56:46
I don't know. It might be tied. There's a part of me that's like, hmm.

56:51
Which would I rather watch again? 2011's Conan the Barbarian or Black Fucking Adam? Oh my god.

56:59
It it's a it's a I can't tell you which one it would be, but it's that's that's the that's where we're playing here. That's those are the waters we are waiting in. That's bad.

57:09
That's rough. Um, it's not good. Uh no and it it doesn't look good either.

57:15
There's all the CGI it it looks cheap and there's there's in there's just stupid things like We have massive citadel cities separated by who knows how much time and space, and yet we can bop in between them in the course of an hour or two.

Eden
57:33
I mean we've got What was the story with the big uh boat being dragged by elephants? Well why?

Peter
57:40
Yeah, why is that there's why

Eden
57:43
I know why Thosa Doom's stuff is snake themed, and it's because he can turn into a snake. Why does this guy have elephants dragging a boat around the jungle?

Peter
57:53
Yeah. Who knows? Who knows?

57:56
That's real bad. Bad movie. Bad movie.

57:58
Really, really bad. I hope that this is the widest chasm in quality between the original and and the more recent version because boy howdy if we've gotta watch some more movies that I have inflicted upon us that are just this bad. I'm gonna be sad and I'm gonna owe you something next time you and I meet in person.

58:21
I don't know what you'll I'll have to you'll have to tell me what it is, but you know it's a bad movie and It's, you know, I was looking, its budget was like 90 million. It made like 60. Yeah.

58:35
And even then I go, it made too much money. Like this deserves to have been the absolute flop that it was because it's bad and it's boring and it has nothing to i it adds nothing yeah to any to the world in any way. No And I'm not saying everything has to some well no because something can just be fun just to be fun.

59:00
And that's what it adds to the world. It's fun. This doesn't even accomplish that.

59:04
It's not even that.

Eden
59:06
That is what I would say Conan the Destroyer is. That's just fun. It's just goofy fun.

59:11
It's not an i it is not like a a m you know monumental thing in my brain the way Conan the Barbarian is. Conan the destroyer is just like Yeah, that's funny. When he gets picked up and swung around and then they use that gif uh with uh um what's her face from Titanic?

59:29
Rose from Titanic swinging. That's just funny. That's just comedy to me.

59:35
And that's how I feel about Conan the Destroyer. But yeah, uh some things worth mentioning though as we wrap this up here. First off, they announced a three-quel to Conan.

Peter
59:49
Okay.

Eden
59:49
Last year. They're making a King Conan movie. Did you hear about this? Schwarzenegger.

Peter
59:54
I don't think I heard this.

Eden
59:55
Schwarzenegger is making a King Conan film. Uh Christopher McQuarrie, you know, who made some of those Mission Impossibles that were pretty good.

Peter
01:00:04
Mission Impossible movies.

Eden
01:00:05
Yeah. Yeah. They're supposed to start filming later this year.

01:00:08
Conan King for 40 years, forced off his throne and has to win back his kingdom. That sounds great. I'm here for that.

01:00:15
I mean, I hope they pull it off. I hope it's good. And here's the other important thing.

01:00:20
While we were in this call, I was looking at the Conan the Barbarian Wikipedia page, and I found out about a movie that I absolutely have to watch, that I have been downloading, which is a weird French film called She Is Conann. A gender-flipped version of Conan the Barbarian that stars five different actresses playing a female Conan at different stages in her life. What How have I not seen this movie already?

Peter
01:00:47
There you go. Not familiar with that one at all.

Eden
01:00:49
I'd never even heard of it.

Peter
01:00:51
Tell us how it is.

Eden
01:00:52
Oh.

Peter
01:00:53
I look forward to hearing it.

Eden
01:00:54
I went to the IMDB page and I was looking at short like uh c like uh screenshots from it and I was like, oh, this looks like a weird tone piece. They didn't build sets. I can't wait.

01:01:06
There's a car in this one. Why is there a car? I can't wait.

01:01:11
This one's gonna be a barn burner, I think. I love that. I look forward to hearing this uh now I'm looking at a weird lady with a Uzi.

01:01:21
Why is there an Uzi? Why is there a a dog person as I'm looking at these pictures from She Is Conann? I can't wait.

01:01:27
I gotta watch this movie.

Peter
01:01:29
You know, I I had no idea it was as recent as it is. Me neither. So there we go. Well, we will have to uh we'll have to hear about that at some point down the road, but I think for now we'll go ahead and wrap it up If you have not uh subscribed and you're listening to this, please subscribe. Go ahead, share this with somebody else, give us a star rating, leave a review. All that fun stuff and we'll be back in another couple weeks and uh as things settle down a little bit we'll get back more into a sense of normalcy

Eden
01:01:58
Yeah, talk to you then.