Red Tinkles

8:20 on a morning where you could cut the fog with a spoon and dish it up to unsuspecting children, Dick found himself in an alleyway. And like most alleyways, there was a body. And Adhere. He seems to hang around Alleyways a lot. And bars. And circus tents. Anyway, with a new body comes a new lead, and a new lead can lead to other leads that can lead to answers or dead ends that bring us back to alleyways. 

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Eight, Red Tinkles)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: 8:20 on a morning where you could cut the fog with a spoon and dish
it up to unsuspecting children. I found myself in an alleyway, not one
of those fancy alleyways where women with pearls would go to die
with their husbands, but one of those dark, disgusting alleyways that
smelt of urine, tobacco, and high school locker rooms. And ours had a
guest. Slumped in the corner was yet another victim of the Cod Piece
Murders.

ADHERE: Why if it isn't Detective Clever, his very self.

DICK: Good morning, Adhere.

ADHERE: And so it is, the sun has risen, the day is new and the birds are making
lovely choking sounds in the smog.

DICK: What do we have here?

ADHERE: It's not good, Dick. Male victim, about fifty-four, by the name of Red
Tinkles.

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: Are you sure it's Red?

ADHERE: To be sure, that I am. This is Red Tinkles him very self.

DICK: Red Tinkles, Urologist to the Stars?

ADHERE: Assuredly it is one in the same person.

DICK: Who works in the offices just around the corner?

ADHERE: The very man.

DICK: Who went on vacation to Sweden with the Swoogan twins?

ADHERE: That is the victim.

DICK: Good god.

ADHERE: No, I don't think he was the almighty. Although he probably thought
he was.

DICK: This is serious.

ADHERE: He has one of dem der fish fingers stuck on his right nostril and I think
It’s tartar sauce in his left ear.

DICK: Did you touch the body, Constable?

ADHERE: Apart from jabbing it with a stick to see if the deceased was alive, no.

DICK: How many times did you jab him?

ADHERE: Let me see now, I got here at 7:32 and I picked up the stick....

DICK: Roughly.

ADHERE: Nine hundred and forty-two times.

DICK: That many times? Why so many prods?

ADHERE: To be sure.

DICK: Now be very careful how you answer this, Adhere.

ADHERE: Very well. Is it for a prize or a holiday?

DICK: This isn't a contest, I need you to focus. Did you touch his right ear?

ADHERE: No, I definitely did.

DICK: You definitely did?

ADHERE: I definitely did not touch his ear.

DICK: So you didn't touch it?

ADHERE: Neither that nor his ear.

DICK: There had been another escalation. For there in his right ear was a
sprig of parsley. He had been....

GENTLE SUSPENSFUL TINKLE OF THE PIANO.

Garnished.

Adhere make sure the Doc sees this and tell Probationary
Constable Pattinson to meet me at Red Tinkles' offices.

ADHERE: Okay then. Petra, can you be meeting Dick at Red Tinkles' offices,
please?

PETRA: Right away Constable?

ADHERE: Right away Dick?

DICK: Sooner.

ADHERE: Better get over there as soon as your feet will get ye.

PETRA: Ask Detective Clever if he wants a coffee.

ADHERE: Dick, would you be wanting a coffee?

DICK: Why are we doing this?

ADHERE: Oh, I thought you wanted to have a little fun.

DICK: Next time announce yourself when you arrive at a crime scene Petra.
With this fog, anyone could be lurking nearby and we wouldn’t be
able to see them.

PETRA: Yes sir.

DICK: And Petra?

PETRA: Yes, Detective?

DICK: No time for coffee, we need to get there fast.

PETRA: Very well.

DICK: I am, thank you.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

Petra, my new partner and I raced over to Red Tinkles' office.
She won, but not by much. After she finished jumping around
excitedly we made our way to the office. The door was open.

DOOR OPENING.

I left Petra to guard the entrance as I went inside. The place was a
mess. Whoever had gone over the good urologist's orifices had also
gone over his offices. I grabbed his diary, maybe, just maybe this
could lead us to the murderer. Lost in thought, I hadn’t realised Petra
had left her post…

PETRA: Detective Clever?

DICK: Yes, Petra, what is it?

PETRA: Quickly.

DICK: (SPEAKING VERY QUICKLY) Yes Petra, what is it?

PETRA: I meant, come here quickly.

PERSON RUNNING OVER THINGS.

DICK: What is it?

PETRA: Look at this...

DICK: Oh, my giddy aunt...

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones