Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:We have emails to read. But first, I wanna thank some people, including Glory, Jody, Mar, Multimiz, Julia, Heather, Josephine, Brianna, Jennifer, Amy, Irina, Tamara, Serenity, Flo, Michelle, and Pamela. All of these people stepped up to help donate workbooks. We had a list of over 400 people waiting on workbooks and really needed help getting that down. So those people are all in the community.
Speaker 1:I called out for an urgent request of anyone who is able to help, and I know that not everyone can. People help in lots of ways with different things, including supporting the community by welcoming new members and by responding to posts and by keeping groups safe. So there are lots of ways that people help, and I appreciate that. And if you cannot help financially, that's okay because there's so many other ways to help. But I wanted to appreciate these people who helped donate workbooks.
Speaker 1:We still have a 100 people waiting for workbooks who cannot get them themselves. And so I am asking on the podcast, anyone else who is able to please donate for the workbooks, that would help so much. And by the time this airs in three or four months, we'll have even more people waiting. And so just a reminder, I'm sorry to ask because I know so many of us are struggling in many ways. And so those of you who help in other ways, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1:You don't have to absorb this or take this on. But those who are able and those who are willing, if you can, I just want to share the reminder that we have people waiting on workbooks that are not able to get them on their own, and we have to pay for the printing and the shipping to be able to donate those? So just a request for those who are listening if you're able to help with workbooks. And those of you who have helped already, thank you so much. Truly from the bottom of my heart, from my whole being.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Now to emails. This person says, hot topic, the trial part one.
Speaker 1:I just want to tell you that I think the trial and the public topic was actually extremely important. The way you all discussed it was safe, interesting, appropriate, and just a blessing. Thank you for that encouragement. This person said, I want to thank you. Thank you for creating the podcast.
Speaker 1:I am also not able to do videos and most social media is not healthy for us. I cannot begin to say how much having an outside voice talk about the inside experience of DID has done to normalize our experience and sustain my sanity and functioning as we, most of us transition from not knowing to being aware that we have DID, So helpful and kind and supportive. And thank you for creating the forum of the community. I joined after my therapist confirmed that I had DID. The community here has been so supportive and helpful.
Speaker 1:The right words at the right time spoken in the language of hope and healing. Secondly, listening to Sasha talk about getting good things even from bad therapists in episode number 42, zoom in, zoom out. So that's so funny because that was before Zoom. It so reminded me of that Ariana Grande song, thank you, next. And I could not stop laughing on the inside.
Speaker 1:And I thought she might like to hear that. That's really funny. Thank you. This person says, I listened to the listener emails episode. I can't even explain how great this podcast was to hear right now, especially the pieces about healing religious trauma and finding a suitable faith tradition.
Speaker 1:It's seriously such hard work. There is one within my system that I'm at odds with. It feels like a never ending battle. It's hard to figure out the balance. That is really intense.
Speaker 1:I think, like, I'm not your therapist, obviously, but I really think for us, the most important thing, regardless of what your faith tradition is, whether you have one or not or whatever, I think the most important thing is doing the work to untangle what is actually your idea of God or not, and the difference between that and people who badly represented God or who said they represented God and did terrible things. Because there is no version of God like that. And so that is always an untruth. And so I think really that is the most important work, but it's also really difficult work. And it takes a lot of practice and a lot of support, and that can be hard to find.
Speaker 1:As far as being at odds with another part inside, I think the most important piece there is simply holding space for differences because you have information they don't have, and they have information you may not have, or maybe you just don't have access to the same information, but it doesn't invalidate that information that someone else has. So I I know also, like, that's easier said than done, but that's really why it matters, the communication and learning to work together through those things so that you can share information because neither of you can make a decision about anything until you have all the information. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense. This person says, I just listened to episode one thirty five, childhood hell.
Speaker 1:In that episode, you said, I don't know what 2020 is going to look like. I can't imagine after the last year we've had what it could possibly look like. I don't have any idea. I can't even guess, but I know that we are better and stronger and more capable and more present and happier than we've ever been, even though it's still hard in lots of ways. And so something in 2020 is going to be good in those ways because healing is happening and hard stuff didn't happen.
Speaker 1:And that's what I wanted to say today. And then they just put a whole lot of sad faces. I'm not laughing at the sad faces. I'm laughing at the tragedy of it all that that that I can't like, I don't know why I'm laughing. How do you even process that?
Speaker 1:It was so terrible, and it got worse than any of us could have imagined. Right? And so it's funny to hear those words in hindsight, but also at the same time, I would really reclaim those words and say that they're still true. I don't mean in a toxic positivity way because 2020 really was hard and bad, and I have learned to acknowledge that. But also I've done a lot of EMDR about the pandemic period and our grief from our therapist, and I've done a lot of processing and my brain has just cooled down.
Speaker 1:Like, it's not that I am numb or don't have feelings. I do have feelings. I'm aware of them. I'm aware of how tragic it was and how sad it was and how awful it was and how full of grief. And I can remember that and I can recall that and I can feel those feelings, but also I don't drown in them.
Speaker 1:And so I really would still say, and I think I've said this before, but I think it's really, really true that as hard as 2020 was for us, and we had a whole lot go on besides just the pandemic, as hard and awful, and it was hard and awful, as terrible as all of that was, I think one of the benefits of that horrible difficult experience was that we learned to tolerate our emotions. I don't think it is fair or right or good that we were in it all by ourselves, so we had to tolerate our emotions or die. That is what it felt like. So the structure of how that happened and why that happened, I don't think that was okay or healthy or good or right. Like to be completely abandoned in all that we went through, that was absolutely not okay.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying I'm okay with any of that. It was awful. It was awful. But in choosing to endure that, I gained skills that I did not have before I went through that experience. It also was not easy to build those skills.
Speaker 1:It probably, and I'm not even kidding, has taken at least six months, maybe eight or ten months just to neurologically recover from that. And I don't even mean reattaining a baseline that we had before. We're not even there yet. I just mean neurologically safe, contained, and healing from all that we endured in those two years. It was by far hands down the worst experience of my adult life without question.
Speaker 1:That's how bad it was. So thank you for the sad faces. I'm sorry I'm laughing. The laughing was only humor that really could not have gotten worse. Like I had it all backwards.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's heartbreaking. And yet you're there instead of not laughing at me and instead just holding space with attunement. So thank you, truly. Okay. This email says, can you please settle the debate and tell us the difference between fawning and fangirling?
Speaker 1:This is hilarious. I can't even with you people. No. This is really funny, and it's actually a really good question. So fangirling is a joke that has come I mean, I guess it's a thing anyway, but you all have teased about it in the community of when people are just excited to see us or to meet us because of the podcast.
Speaker 1:What I will say is that while that may be fangirling, it's also not inauthentic because there have been moments in the podcast that have been so healing for us. And when someone else experiences attunement or also experiences healing in them, they are authentically grateful for that. When we are ridiculous, they are authentically enjoying the relief that comes from using humor. When they learn something from a terribly boring episode, they are authentically relieved for that episode to be over. I mean, to have learned something.
Speaker 1:Right? And so I don't think that's a bad thing. I really don't. Now if our relationship is limited by that and doesn't grow beyond that, that would be a little creepy. But to just express appreciation or to be grateful is not a bad thing.
Speaker 1:Giving compliments is not a bad thing. In fact, part of having healthy ego strength is learning how to even receive a compliment. So it gives me practice at my own healing as well, because that's really hard for me. I am learning to just say, thank you instead of dismissing a compliment. So that's a really big deal and absolutely part of healing.
Speaker 1:And I don't want anyone to get shamed for what they are experiencing, especially if they are new to the community and have not yet gotten to experience healing in other ways or built other attachments. Because especially when someone is new to the community, the podcast may be the only attachment they have thus far. So we really need to show grace and reach out and connect instead of any teasing because everyone else was the same when we first met too, right? So that's one thing. The other thing is about fawning, which we have just been talking about on the podcast in recent months because we have been learning about it in recent months in therapy.
Speaker 1:Fawning is being good to be safe. Fawning is taking care of other people instead of yourself so that you are safe because they are safe. Fawning is trying to make sure that people aren't fangirling instead of worrying about yourself. Fawning is flying under the radar. Fawning is being good at following the rules because breaking the rules was dangerous or getting in trouble was dangerous.
Speaker 1:Fawning is a relationship with a caregiver or a relationship with your environment. Fawning is thinking, I can't mess this up, or assuming when you make a mistake that you are kicked out of there or that it's so black and white instead of nuance that you're either in danger or you're not. Fawning is trying to take care of everyone else around you because if they are safe, then you feel safe. Whether that is because it's a distraction, because you have reduced danger, because you have focused on that chaos instead of your own. That's what fawning is.
Speaker 1:So you can Google it or look up more if you want, and we'll keep talking about it together as we learn. But I love that you brought that up, and it was an excellent question. In the community, under specific podcast episodes in the fans group, dandelions posted some excellent quotes from Anumkara from episode 125 about friendship where we shared some quotes from the book Anumkara by John O'Donoghue. This was actually a bit of a trigger for me because when we shared this, we were also sharing it with our friends and with our therapist. And so there's some sentiment, some nostalgia, some grief, because it was really one of the moments of the end.
Speaker 1:Because we shared this with our therapists with the intent of sharing what we were learning about friendship so that we could talk about friendship in therapy. This was like three years ago. This was the beginning of the end in 2019. But instead of that happening, what happened was she wrote back, the therapist wrote back about how she is not our friend. And that is the moment seeing it in black and white, where it said, I am not your friend, is what broke John Mark's heart.
Speaker 1:And that was the end of us as we knew it, I It changed everything. It was one of the three big points of the year that really made us know we just could not go back there to therapy anymore. Well, it actually made us want to die. But I can't believe we have to keep talking about this. It's because we processed it in therapy now.
Speaker 1:We've talked about the Iris episode already. Oh my goodness. I don't know if I've even told you about that. Our therapist now has listened with us through the episodes all the way through Iris, through the reenactment episode with Maureen McEvoy, where we learned about calling all the therapists Kellys. And we have gone all the way through the books from our ISSTD class where we learned about the therapeutic relationship, and now we're getting ready to process the in session episodes.
Speaker 1:That's what is happening this week in therapy. So you'll hear about that next. But, oh my goodness, these quotes from Anamkara, they're beautiful. Look them up in the community if you haven't gone back to read them or market, however you do it in the community so that you can go back and read it again, like bookmark it or save it or something. They are beautiful, beautiful quotes.
Speaker 1:But also, I feel like they were stolen from me. And so it's interesting because I think even four months ago or six months ago, maybe even two months ago, if I had read this, I would have lost it, like broken down sobbing for hours because my emotions were so big from that relational trauma. And I was so wounded and so betrayed by that, and it never got repaired. And so I can tell I have made progress because when I read this, this is just what I was just talking about earlier. When I read these quotes, it feels like a sucker punch to my gut, but also I can still breathe.
Speaker 1:I'm aware that I'm sad and I feel ashamed, and I feel misunderstood, and I feel bad for causing a mess, not intentionally. I'm just meaning I'm a and I'm not being mean to myself. I just mean I'm aware of all of these feelings happening at the same time, but also I'm okay. And I have not collapsed. I have not gone into attached cry.
Speaker 1:It doesn't make me want to reach out to her and try to fix things or earn my place back. It makes me sad for John Mark. Like my heart is broken for John Mark. And it makes me want to keep going through these hard sessions of therapy so that we can reconnect with that part of myself as I continue to heal and let those walls back down as our safety is increasing, as we become safe enough to reengage in therapy again, because we really have worked on going through all the podcast episodes with our current therapist and working through all these things from our previous therapist so that we can get back to therapy. It was not just like, oh, we get a new therapist and then keep going, or we get a new therapist and start over.
Speaker 1:We have spent a year, almost a year. At Thanksgiving, it will be a year. We've spent almost a year mourning and grieving and processing all of what happened for those three years. So it's only just now that we're starting to get back into actual therapy. And this is a moment when I can tell it's working.
Speaker 1:It's like adding a marble into our jar because there's evidence that we are making progress. The same thing happened. I was reading the Clarissa book, the Wolf's book, because we were gonna have book group and there was a different chapter my dream therapist had assigned us, the sealskin, soul skin chapter. And that chapter had so much to do with what happened to us with our previous Kelly. And I had written all these notes in it about her and about what happened and processed so much what experienced there.
Speaker 1:And so to get ready for book group, I got that book back out, and I was gonna go read that chapter. But my marker, my pen was still in the other chapter. And so those pages fell open and it caught my breath like I was just, like I gasped because it kind of knocked the wind out of me, except also the same thing. I was okay. And it was fascinating because I was aware of those big feelings.
Speaker 1:I was aware of all my thoughts. Like I didn't have amnesia about it. I wasn't repulsed by it. I wasn't disturbed, but I was aware of how much that hurt. And I was aware of the depth of that pain, but also I'm okay.
Speaker 1:And so that feels good to be making progress. And you all finding so much meaning in these Anamkara words and those quotes just makes me just weep with gratitude and the opportunity to let even that be another bookend, where I reclaim my own healing with my brain healing itself as this cycles back through, like the opposite of a reenactment to where I know this hurts, I know I'm working through it, and I let it heal. So in this way, I just wanna thank dandelions because this was medicine to my soul. Ellie says, the EMDR podcast about eye movements this week, very helpful. I have told my therapist some ideas like the hand signals and other ideas that were so great.
Speaker 1:It feels safer. I did EMDR before I knew about OSDD and it didn't go well sometimes. The idea that EMDR doesn't work outside the window of tolerance is so important and includes dissociation and sometimes parts. I mean, I have some parts that are never in the window of tolerance that they are in full crisis. I don't know why, but I can listen to about half an episode and then my brain is full, and I need a break.
Speaker 1:So I'll hear the second half soon. Thank you, Emma. Oh, I am so proud of you. That is great self care. That is fantastic pacing.
Speaker 1:That is good containing. That is keeping you safe enough. I can listen to part of the podcast now. I can listen to part of it later. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:That is wonderful self care. You get, like, a thousand therapy points. Unpretending shared. Unfawning. I'm curious to know who's the Emma who did this episode.
Speaker 1:Who's the Emma who did this episode? Sharon in our system relates to this person and every time they do the episodes, she's like, let's not listen to this one. Sharon is our queen of fawning, just saying and not be unkind. It's just the way it is. That's so funny.
Speaker 1:Okay. So every time that Emma does an episode, they don't want to listen. Who's the Emma who did who did the unfawning episode? Okay. Let me pause this recording, and I'll go check.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I paused, and I went and listened to just different chunks of unfawning so that I could listen to what you're asking. Who is the Emma that's doing this? And I have two things to say. One, I cannot answer that question at this time.
Speaker 1:And two, it really was unpleasant, and I think your Sharon who doesn't wanna listen to that is right. That's intense. It may be the emotion, not the Emma, that is triggering you or upsetting you. But regardless, what's most important is that you tend to that and you are keeping yourself safe enough. So if it's not time to listen to that or you need more support to listen to that, it's absolutely okay and entirely valid.
Speaker 1:Good taking care of you. Kate C says, a response to Moon Knight. We have not watched it. Hearing about how alters were seen as imaginary makes us go, nope, we don't wanna support this show at all. A younger one was compared to an imaginary friend by a psychiatrist years ago.
Speaker 1:To be fair, he also showed us the DSM-five description of DID. It was awesome hearing from all three of you on the podcast, and yes, can relate to the husband on what do we call you Emma. Oh my goodness. You all are digging deep. The question I'm pretending had about which Emma, we will answer.
Speaker 1:I just can't yet. It will be safe enough to answer. It just is not yet. Kate's question about what do we call you? Emma is fine to call us unless someone tells you a different name or you get a different name out of us, which is not happening right now.
Speaker 1:Because right now, I think we really are just prioritizing getting through the processing of what happened with our previous Kelly. And we are almost through that. We are almost caught up on the podcast with our therapist. And we are going to then see if we can process. So our plan is to get all the way caught up with our current therapist and then go back and process the episode where our therapist died of COVID just to make sure there's no residual stuff there and because it was connected to so many things, so maybe some eye movements there very carefully.
Speaker 1:And then we are going to go back to the English teacher episodes and the two from college. Rumi's, when our college friend came on and Hallelujah when we talked about that with a husband. Those six episodes, I think is where we're going to go after we're all caught up with everything now into the present. And I think that will be our transition back to looking at memory time again for the first time in three years. I feel like we're building in some safety to make that possible.
Speaker 1:And I suspect as that unfolds, those parts will be back a little bit or more able to declare themselves or however that works, bringing those walls down from the tragedy of those pandemic years that were really our experience of relational trauma with a previous therapist. So, and the loss of who we thought were our friends. So as we process that grief, I think that we will be in a better place. But right now we are very relationally sensitive because that's what we're working So I'm just going to protect that a little bit with time and space, and we will circle back to it when it's a little more appropriate for us. But those are good questions.
Speaker 1:And, Kate, your question about what to call us was very sensitive. You can just say Emma for now. That's what we're going by for now, and we will share more about that later. Thank you. Kate also says, there's a podcast episode where I think it's Sasha who shares that one of you got to punch a dentist.
Speaker 1:I was at the dentist for a cleaning today. Didn't realize that the dental hygienist would be a guy, but it was okay. He said if I need him to stop to raise a hand, and if that didn't work, I could slap him. Apparently, in his fourteen years of work, he's never been slapped. It just reminded me of that podcast episode.
Speaker 1:That's really funny. You know, there's always a first time, so I think you should go for it, Kate. Oh my goodness. Thanks for not slapping your dentist or the hygienist. Oh, Ellie followed up after listening to the second half of the EMDR episode.
Speaker 1:They said, The episode on EMDR was so helpful. It organized my thoughts about what wasn't working in therapy, what I needed to be safe, and what would help with that. I wrote it down and talked with my therapist, so now we are on the same page. Thank you, Emma. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:That's amazing. That is beyond and I'm so happy for you. Well done. See and others listened to the episode internal world. They said, never thought it could be possible to change things in the inner world.
Speaker 1:I would love to figure out how to put lights in the two rooms that have none and maybe in some of the more scary black areas. Would love to hear about how it went for you with the changes and maybe you talk about it in a further episode. Oh, again, my heart. It I feel it just it's like my stomach just drops, like, on a roller coaster or when you go over a big hill or something. Oh, I feel it in my body there, but also I'm okay.
Speaker 1:I am aware of the feelings, but also I am okay. Oh, it is a lot. So sees the answer to your question is actually complicated. Yes. In later episodes, you will hear how that worked, and we talk about it a little bit more.
Speaker 1:But also, one of the mistakes we made in the past, and it wasn't entirely our fault, but it was a therapeutic error. Like it did not work out for us, was that we attached our orienting to now and our safety in now time to our therapist, which was fantastic as long as we had that therapist. But when we lost that therapist, we lost all of that access too. All of our safety went away, our orienting went away, the lights went out, Like, all of that changed. We lost all of that.
Speaker 1:And I think it's part of why we were so devastated because it just oh, I can't describe the destruction of all of that. So do this, but you do it for you and for your system in ways that work for your system so that it is your thing because therapy is yours, not because someone else or the podcast or your therapist even is telling you to do it. They will help you do it and they will have ideas, but remember that this is sacred work and it is your work sees, it is specific for you and you get to keep that no matter what happens to people around you. Does that make sense? I hope that's helpful.
Speaker 1:Dandelion said, today's episode with Larry Ruehl was contained with so much of what I needed to hear. The connection between Emma et al and Larry et al was so heartwarming to listen to. The connections that can be built between two or more folks with DID is real, It's possible and it's healing. Thank you for this episode so much. Oh, I will share that with Larry as well, if that's okay with you.
Speaker 1:That's so powerful. Like. And it is hard to do when you are used to not having permission to even take up space. And it's hard to do when you're used to managing for the people around you and trying to fix everything instead of just being present. It's hard to do if you are trying to talk away the silence.
Speaker 1:It is hard to do if you don't take time to listen and to reflect. It takes space. And we can't have space between us if we fill it up with noise and chaos. So there are times to be social and there are times to have fun and there are times to play around or to visit, but there's also times to just hold space and that can be a real challenge. But the more that you learn how to hold space for what is happening internally, the more you will be able to deepen that space with those externally.
Speaker 1:Larry has become a very special friend and I'm so grateful for him. And what a marvelous experience it was to hear his story. It was so healing to me after what we have been through. And I'm just I'm truly grateful. And I will share your message with your permission, Dandelions.
Speaker 1:I'll share your message with Larry. Thank you so much. Kate C, listen to the episode new bike. They say, I am picturing you in your boots and skirt shorts trying to ride a bike and playing in snow while recording a podcast. Thank you, John Mark, for sharing your adventure and the ice cream therapy analogy.
Speaker 1:I hope you found some salsa that day. Oh, I can't even, I don't even know how to respond to this. I was so embarrassed. But also he texted our therapist, which is the first time. And I saw it and I was mortified, mortified because see those walls are coming down and it's starting to happen and we're gonna spill out all over the place.
Speaker 1:I am very anxious about this, but I feel it happening. And so even today in therapy, our therapist was like, I wanna come back to this text I got. And I was like, I really don't want to go back to that text you got. Not today. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:My goodness. My goodness. Shana says, podcast two eighty, autism and trauma. She says, wow, just so much wow. This is what I needed to hear for a long time.
Speaker 1:I listened thinking, woah, this is how I wish my parents had talked to me, but never had anything to compare that desire to. I just knew I needed something healthier, but I didn't know what that was. Also, as a parent, it was heartwarming to hear this interaction that showed love between a parent and a child, but also your son's love and concern and desire to understand his siblings and their needs. Oh my goodness. That just warms my heart because this kiddo needs some wins in his life.
Speaker 1:And so that's really special. They said also, I'm grateful you touched on autism and trauma as opposed to autism versus trauma. I so appreciate you touching on both and validating both and giving both space. I appreciate your son sharing about his boxes. What a great idea.
Speaker 1:Please tell him that he is smart and that his boxes idea is a very good idea and strategy. Adults with autistic symptoms have issues with these things as well, and he's doing so great at learning these tools so early. And I'll be trying to find boxes myself because his idea is so good. Lastly, I appreciate him and you both communicating with each other and showing what safe and loving discussions can look like in the parent child relationship. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:He is going to be so delighted, so delighted to get this feedback because, oh, I can't even. He needs some wins, and this is amazing. This will just heal his little heart. Thank you. Dandelion says, today's episode, hot topic, the trial part one was a tough one to listen to this morning.
Speaker 1:It is a very strange experience to have lost time, but to hear the recording of something you, the body, was a part of. I had totally missed the conversation about fictional characters and how devastating that can be to different parts. I'm really appreciative of that being brought up. I don't really know what to do about it, but the discomfort within me tells me that something needs to be tended to. I was reminded of how badly there are some littles that want to go to the reading group on Sunday nights, but there's a big fear and hesitation about going in case a book is read that was read to us before scary times.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to hold space for littles with opposing views, even more so than the adult parts. Oh my goodness. There is so much in what you just shared. And let me just confess, dandelions, that as of this recording, I myself have also not gone have also not gone to story time on Sunday nights because littles. I'm I'm not ready.
Speaker 1:And so for right now, I'm just recognizing that I so appreciate unpretending for volunteering and the teacher for helping and doing such a beautiful job with that group that has become so meaningful to so many, but also respecting the space that I'm just not there yet and that that's okay. Shana says, I feel this post just echoed from me so much that is relatable and exactly what I experienced. It was also hard for us to hear that again and realize how deep the fictional characters and actors part goes. Thank you for sharing this post because it's likely I would have held it in. It felt surreal listening to the podcast and a little dysregulating and triggering again, but also some of my parts felt so relieved.
Speaker 1:They felt relieved to hear someone, the body, share about how we have felt, do it in a healthy way, and not hold those feelings in. I truly appreciate you sharing this post. Oh my goodness, Shayna, that's so much progress. Brooke said, I was myself very scared to listen to it. I know we went to it, but I also know there was a lot of internal competing for the ears shoving aside, and I was nervous to hear what I missed.
Speaker 1:I was so blown away when I listened. I loved it. I think it is one of my favorite podcast episodes so far. The topic was so charged, so personal for all persons in attendance, and all these people came together and shed light on the elements hidden in the shadows of the topic. I just feel a lot of awe.
Speaker 1:I feel grateful to have you all as friends. We are so interesting and dynamic, and I treasure our unique community. Our unique community pawn more and more each swimmy day. Oh my goodness, you guys were amazing on that podcast. I was so proud of how so many people with such different experiences and different perspectives and different thoughts and feelings, even about the verdict itself, came together and calmly and beautifully and vulnerably shared so much.
Speaker 1:Just M said, I'm impressed. We have never been able to listen to one of the episodes we sat in on for the recording. Totally relate to it being strange. We sometimes send the t voice memo so we don't forget and then play them in session. Are like, wait.
Speaker 1:We said that? Oh my goodness, you guys. That's the same thing with the podcast. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I know we recorded it, obviously.
Speaker 1:I know we somehow edited it, whether we listened or visually, but I don't remember the things you all talk about. Dandelion said, I was thinking about the end of the episode and what I said about system meetings. My system meetings are actually through journaling via typing. I don't necessarily sit in silence and ask for an answer or anything. It's kind of like when I'm journaling and all of a sudden it's not me writing anymore.
Speaker 1:It just happens and it happens fast. I don't know why, but I was feeling bad. The way I do system meetings isn't above any other way of intercommunication. The only difference with my once a week meeting with PARTS is that I request everyone to be aware the meeting is happening and there are topics on the agenda that I put on there, either from what I read in the journal writings from PARTS or parts put things on the agenda. I just felt the need to clarify.
Speaker 1:I actually struggle a lot with system meetings. That makes so much sense, and I appreciate those ideas. Thank you for sharing. Shana responded, I think I feel like the effort to journal meetings is equally as important as any other efforts to communicate internally. All efforts to communicate in some or any way matter, but I appreciate the reason you felt the need to clarify.
Speaker 1:Personally, I feel like DID wouldn't be nearly as distressing and possibly considered less severe of a disorder if communication with our parts was easy. I have no doubt that it can be difficult for you sometimes and didn't interpret your post as meaning you don't encounter the struggles. I agree. I think you were just being vulnerable and sharing good habits and good communication, and it was great to give us so many ideas. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Ellie shares, in the episode, husband goes to therapy. He's talking about DID as a protective system, and this is why it does this thing. And I thought, oh, that's good. And went off into my head and missed the next part. And then Sasha said, it just went gobbledygook, and she knew he was talking, but she didn't hear it.
Speaker 1:It happened to both of us in the same moment. Isn't that a funny coincidence? His wisdom is too great to take in all at once. And he also said this happens because DID is protective. We must protect us from the wisdom that may overwhelm us.
Speaker 1:That is Trixie. So much in there, Ellie. Thank you for sharing. Our last email for today is from Susan who says, Recently on the podcast, you've shared a lot of music. Music is very important to me and I really have appreciated your songs and your piano.
Speaker 1:I'm really sorry that the outside kids broke your cello. I'm sure it was an accident, but as a musician myself, I can understand what a tragedy that is. Since your part Hannah has been singing more, I thought you might like to know there are several apps that you can use almost like a karaoke machine in case you need more help with instruments or the music for the songs you want to sing. It might be a fun way to explore if you're interested. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:And then she gives me some websites and apps ideas. That's so kind. Thank you. I will play with a little bit, and we'll see if I can figure it out. This might you guys might be sorry.
Speaker 1:We'll see what's going on. Thank you. I I'm excited about this, actually. We're gonna go try it right now.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing.