Episode 34 - A Personal Choice To Change: Loss, Relationships, and The Desire To Dive

Show Notes

Welcome to your weekly dose of The Psychedelic Psychologist. This week we learn about listening to the desire to dive, a healthy integration process, and all things from grief and loss to the love of ones life. Felix, gives us a glimpse into the way he integrated his session from a couple years ago; as well as, the desire to dive in upcoming weeks. 

The greatest part about this session is Felix's passion and compassion both to this work and his new lease on life since the session. He also shares a fantastic vantage point regarding how long integration can continue in a really healthy way. 

If you have question, comments or are looking for a psychedelic integration therapist go to:

The Psychedelics Integration Handbook 
or 
Healingsoulsllc.com

What is The Psychedelic Psychologist?

The Psychedelic Psychologist is a conversational-style podcast hosted by Dr. Ryan Westrum with clients and guests who use talk therapy to integrate Psychedelic experiences for healing and personal transformation. Tune in to hear people’s experiences, breakthroughs and stories of healing addiction, depression, and trauma through Psychedelics. Dr. Ryan Westrum gracefully and empathetically narrates real therapy sessions with people in their most vulnerable and transformational moments.

Take a moment within your day to
simply pay attention to the present

moment, this experience that you are
living, often being provided, things

that are completely in our control
and things that are completely out

of our control within this moment.

Taking a breath in and a breath
out, scanning your physical body,

examining the nuances of this body,
this permanence that becomes clearer and

clearer of what you know, breathing in.

And breathing out.

And with each moment, taking this
opportunity to reflect on all things

that have transpired in your life.

Feeling like a flip book, taking a
moment to simply scan your life, being

ever so gentle with each breath in.

In each breath out, taking
intentional pause to reflect on

some moments, some experiences,

and the pinnacle transformations that
you have made throughout this lifetime.

Breathing in and breathing out.

Settling into everything that has been
so transformative, be it in your control

or completely out of your control.

And as you continue to reflect, I
encourage you now to engage back

into this present moment, this time.

Knowing that you can come back to that
experience, that exercise at any given

moment, ending a deeper breath, a more
grounding breath in this present day.

And when you're ready with no rush, no
sense of urgency, simply opening your

eyes to see the room, to see yourself.

A little differently than when
you first did this exercise.

Hi, it's Ryan.

Welcome to your weekly dose of the
Psychedelic Psychologist, where I

invite my guests to share stories
about their psychedelic experience.

We cover a variety of topics
from overcoming addiction and

severe depression to finding
wholeness in spiritual emergence.

Today's podcast, you're going to hear
from one of my guests, Felix, who

I've had the privilege of knowing
and working with for some time.

Felix today brings us a wonderful
glimpse of his personal story as

it relates to psychedelics and
the integration of this work.

Felix.

It's great to hear you.

It's great to see you.

How are you coming in?

Great to be here.

Very, very happy.

feeling good today.

Nice to see you, doctor.

My Sherpa . Thank you.

Yeah.

We've had a long relationship of dying,
being into many different subject matters.

We've dove into a plethora
of subject matters.

What is coming to the surface?

Knowing that you intentionally take
time to look at yourself in this.

A lot.

It's kind of a flood to be honest.

there's a lot of mixed emotion.

You always tend to bring, a lot of,
reflection to my current state and

my past and sort of the journey that
got me there, which is usually an

overwhelming sense of just happiness,
sadness, all of it all at once.

And right now.

Just feeling very grateful to be here.

Really excited about this opportunity and,
just grateful for you for, enlightening

the general public about a medicine that's
completely changed my life and experience.

It's completely changed my life, forever.

And hearing your voice.

Are you feeling more and more capable
of being able to play with on all

those emotions at any given moment?

It sounds as if they come
through you quite intimately.

They do.

And yes., without diving too deep
right away, one of the things

that happened, Right away in my
experience, was a realization of ego.

A lot of emotions and things that
I was fighting and hiding from.

And, since what I call my ceremony,
a lot of those I've been able to

face more readily, in a way that
makes navigating just daily life in

general easier if I'm putting it.

That's fantastic because, and you
know, in respect to us, we'll go

very psychedelic in conversation.

So maybe start in the middle, start at the
end and then finish off at the beginning.

But what I'm hearing you say is your
experience has provided you access

to living symbiotically with your
emotional state and not being afraid

of it, and also removing the ego
all the while you're doing that.

That's exactly right.

Can you tell me a little bit about
what that lived experience is?

When we see emotions come up so intimately
in the vulnerability of our everyday life?

Yeah, that's kind of tough.

, help me a little bit with that.

Right?

So I just witnessed you talking
very intimately about just the

removal of ego, yet you're still
captivated by emotional states.

How do, because the ego would
say, don't face it over, you know,

overlook it, maybe even suppress it.

But here I hear you Felix say that you
go right at these emotions and kind

of swim in them all the while the ego
is also being dissolved and put aside.

Yeah.

So I think it's, I think it's facing
these feelings and not running.

That's a big thing.

With my experience, I came in with a
mantra, when I was on my psychedelic

journey and my ceremony, let it be, and
I accept, and I've taken that through

that experience with me every single day.

Like, If I'm faced with something that's
challenging, whether it's work or emotion

and relationships with friends or family
or my girlfriend or whatever, if I try to

avoid it, it gets, things just get worse.

That's just the way it is.

So presence and, and being able to
just face something, head on and accept

it and, and deal with it while it's
there and recognize it instead of

just like blind eye pushing it aside.

Makes life a lot easier to
navigate, just in general.

So it's pretty cool.

That is, important to pause around too,
this idea of letting it be, so when

you went into your ceremony, did you
get the sensation that you then were,

bombarded with different challenges or
could you paint a picture of what that

ceremony looked like as it relates to
emotions and not running away from things?

Absolutely.

Full transparency on that level.,
psychedelics scared the shit out of me.

I hope I can swear here.

You can swear all you want.

This is great.

Fuck yeah.

We need it , right?

Good.

Yeah, we do.

I will fucking endorse
swearing to the fucking pg.

We're good.

Appreciate that.

So they scared the shit out of me.

it's, I don't like losing control.

I think that that's maybe a part of my
ego that I've learned a lot about over the

last couple years, since my experience.

And so, yeah, it's, it's one of these
things where, . It was something that I

just said, not for me for probably a year.

I knew that it was, therapy and, I
actually, walking into it the

week before I'd done meditation
and yoga twice a day at minimum.

Lots of breathing exercise.

I had horrible anxiety.

When I went in, I felt
very, very at peace.

I spoke to the medicine before I consumed
it, and I think that did something too.

If you really respect it and
understand that, you're not

gonna be able to control it.

You just need to let it
do what it's gonna do.

That's a really scary thing.

That's a really fucking scary thing.

And see more about that.

Let's pause there for just a
second, and I don't mean to, but.

Say more about walking in, removing
the anxiety before and then

having the courage to sit with the
medicine and communicate with it.

Can you tell me about that
experience in that moment?

Yeah, so one thing that, I mean, it's
something we've talked about in the past.

One thing I'd done a bunch of
research and realized that, you

know, this is something that.

Different civilizations this medicine
have used, from a spiritual standpoint

and a guided sort of standpoint, and
reaching a new level of enlightenment

that you just can't realize on your own.

You know, some people can find that
I've read through like meditation

and, you know, there's different
methods that are, natural that

don't require consuming anything.

But, speaking.

And respecting it.

If, if when I was very young, I ate a
very large, dose of soci and, went into

complete outer space, that was my first
time really experiencing that level of

psychedelics, complete loss control.

Just, I mean, I was out with friends.

I was like 13 years old,
you know what I mean?

It was a very, very powerful experience,
and I think without knowing that it

was really medicine and thinking it was
more a party drug when I was very young.

I had out of body experiences, I
had experiences then that I think

I carried with me subconsciously.

I didn't know what they meant and I didn't
know the power that they withheld so.

So walking into it this time and, and
really looking at it like medicine and

knowing that there's something, whatever
it is, cuz I think a lot of people think

that there's this thing they want fixed.

they think they know their trauma cause
we all have this trauma inside of us.

Right.

That's really a big part of what often
makes life challenging, I think for a

lot of us in tons of different ways.

But, so recognizing.

It's not something you can control
is super important and, and bowing

down and totally surrendering.

And saying, this is, this is what
it is and it's gonna take me on the

trip that I need to go on right now.

I think is really important.

So speaking to it, I've looked
back on that many times since

it's been a couple years now.

And I really do believe that, that letting
it know that I'm surrendering, like

physically speaking to the mushrooms, was
a very powerful part, just in an entry.

To my psychedelic experience.

Well, the humbling, voice too, to
know that it's outside of ourselves

for the idea of us wanting control
or direction, even to heal the

trauma or face certain things.

We're completely outta
control when it comes to that.

That's right.

So then we're in, a place
too that I hear you.

Of at that moment, you do have
to let it be as you said earlier.

And what does that look like?

Now, paint that, finishing the
colors of that experience, what did

it look like to let go and simply
be so to let go and simply be?

So if I'm talking specifically in my
psychedelic experience, I had a lot

of really dark, really heavy moments
where I had physical like demons as

real as I'm looking at you right now.

Coming at me with glowing eyes and.

I started to freak out.

I could feel myself just the, the fire
burning within and I wanted to run.

And it was so scary.

And I remember in that experience
holding my arms open and saying, I

accept until it was an inch from my
face, these, this group of demons.

And as I continued to do that, all
of a sudden I went through them like

they were just dust and I was flying
through space and time in the sky and.

And again, as real as I'm looking
at you, it sounds like bullshit.

A lot of these experiences, you
know, there's probably people who

have been there, but, everybody's
got their own experiences in there.

But what I learned from that is if
you let it be an accept, that was a,

a literal, moment of that sort of like
transition happening where I accept.

And because I accepted it and I was
patient and, and I just didn't let

that fear grip me, I was able to move
on and move beyond it and find a whole

nother level of, peace and happiness.

And so, you know, in daily
life what I experience is,

sorry, we got a windstorm gone.

I dunno if you can hear that.

It's beautiful.

. Well, my ceiling is, or my roof isn't
coming off, but, You know, in my daily

life, I just had experience yesterday,
very difficult client that I work with.

Being very emotional, very personal.

My instincts were to go back at them and
act the way that they were acting to me.

And I in my brain am having this moment of
like, I accept it's okay, you know, this.

This is what it is.

I just need to maintain myself and stay
grounded and, and I will make it through.

And sure enough, by just maintaining
integrity and not letting those

emotions become a part of mine and
get mad at them the way they were

getting mad at me we worked through
it together and they, we walked away.

I'm happy to be happy.

Everything's ok.

It, it could escalate and become
something much, much worse, but, Direct

correlation between those experiences
and my ability to recognize them well.

And what I'm also hearing from you
right now is the simple intensity

that you're still walking with,
letting it be and having the capacity

to simultaneously feel the emotion
coming at you and not taking it on.

I loved that you said that, that
you're capable of hearing and

witnessing their personal emotion.

and not succumbing to
fighting it or going at it.

Right, right.

What do you owe psychedelics
today, in this moment?

What are you looking for
in this relationship?

Is it more spiritual healing?

Is it answers to anything?

What would you say your interpersonal
relationship with this medicine is?

So my answer to that's
gonna be a little bit deep.

So in my experience, I had a moment
towards, I think it was towards the

latter half when I was purging a motion.

I think I crying for about
an, just about everything.

One of the.

Was, I felt I had felt the connectedness
to all, I had felt that, that I'm just

a part of this big, giant thing that's
just evolving and living and breathing,

and I'm, I'm not in control of it.

You know, but I recognized at one
point that we all have an inner light.

And I, and I, I physically saw that
my mom passed away seven years ago.

Her inner light came flying
at me, big radiant, beautiful.

And without seeing a face, her body
or anything, I knew it was her.

I saw the same with my dad, with
some friends, with some family

old teachers, random people I
had talked to for like an hour.

Like they started, these
lights started flying at me.

And I realized, We all
have this inner light.

We're born with it.

It's a spirit, it's a,
it's this, we're all good.

The worst people in the world, these,
you know, the Hitlers of the world.

They're born with this inner light.

And, and it's good.

It's not, you're not born evil.

You're just born a part of and good.

And so what's the emotion coming up right
now when you say that and reflect on that?

Experie.

It's excitement, really, like it's not,
it's not sadness, it's excitement because

it's something that is so much deeper than
just the daily bullshit that when it's

something you kind of see and recognize,
it puts a lot of things into perspective.

Who do I want to be with life?

Where do I want to go?

What's my purpose?

What do I want to do?

I want to influence people.

Well, do I want to leave?

People feeling badly like you, we
gotta make all these decisions.

So, , but again, like my, the thing
that I'm, that I'm, I can't remember

how you worded it now, but with, with
psychedelics I'm not looking for answers.

I just want to find more closeness with
my original spirit and self and aura and

the thing that I know is inside of me
that's radiant and really, really good.

I saw I, it sounds corny, but it is as
real as can be, and I realized my entire

life I've been this way, but now I can
see it more as my, I did realize my

purpose, which not a lot of people that
I've spoken with actually have had that

type of experience with psychedelics,
but, and again, it sounds cheesy, but my

purpose is straight up just to spread.

To bring my light wherever I go and
remember that I have it, and to let

people know that they've got one too.

And by just being friendly and
just kind and sharing love.

Okay.

But that's, tell me this, this
is fucking pretty priceless.

This idea of witnessing people
for their light as well as you

shining your light on people.

Is that pretty wild experience
as you live every day with that?

Yeah, it is.

And the funny thing about it, The
more I talk, I'm very vocal about

my experience because it was, and
I I've said this hundreds of times,

the single most important thing I've
done in my adult life that's, that's

bringing up some emotion right now.

Stay on that right there.

What is that emotion?

It's overwhelming.

Joy and relief and it's a lot.

I would just say it's mixed emotions.

It's the sad, all of it kind of comes
together once the same way I felt.

I remember when I was in my experience
at one point, I needed help.

I was really starting to freak out..

So I was, in my experience, I
was freaking out and my guide

put their hand on my chest.

And I felt this unbelievable.

I felt my guides love, I felt my guides
warmth, but it also made me comfortable

and okay with mine when, there's that
moment where you're freaking out and

it's, that experience is so intense.

,you're, you're, you are in a different
dimension and everything that you

think is real is, is different
than what you thought it was.

And so to, to be able to
slow down and to feel.

I think it's ultimately love and love
is really hard sometimes to accept.

I think that's a lot of
where the emotion comes from.

But again, it's like all of these
things at once, the sadness I've dealt

with, depression, I've dealt with with
addiction, I've dealt with, some pretty,

some heavy traumas from childhood.

And so these things that we carry with
us, it's like they're always a part of us.

They are.

They make us who we are.

Whether we are aware of
them or not, I think.

Does say a lot about like how
we navigate life in general.

I think a lot of people, myself
included, when I wasn't aware of what

my trauma was before I met my Sherpa
and was able to spend years working on

and trying to decipher kind of where.

My demons come from what they are.

The way that I would react to people
and the way that I would navigate

just life in general was very
conflicted and affected by this trauma.

So, the emotion that comes up when I talk
about psychedelics bringing me the single

most important moment that I've had in my
adult life that it's all of those feelings

at once, but ultimately, Wonderful,
wonderful love and just goodness.

Well, and the thing I know about
you, Felix, is the fact that you

had that experience, but you've
also done the intimate, intense

work surrounding it, so it wasn't
as if it was a passive experience.

And that's what I really love
about your voice today in our

conversation, is your capacity to
look at things that are challeng.

Honor them, accept them,
acknowledge your place in it, but

also know that you want change.

So knowing that you've made radical
transformations in your personal and

professional life, to find your heart
and find your location that you wanna

be, and the person you wanna be with, and
the people you wanna surround yourself

with, wasn't passive by any nature.

And that's what I admire about.

Thank you.

I feel the same way.

Yeah.

It's perspective.

That's my number one word.

If that, if psychedelics can bring you
anything, it's perspective you cannot

gain, I think, in any way on your own.

I think it is that
enlightenment is a real thing.

Very, very, very real.

But to your point, the
work is what makes it.

If you just go in, you get blasted.

At this the topic today we
were kind of talking about

recognizing the desire to dive.

It is a freaking dive.

Like you motherfucking dive head first
into that pool of darkness and you

are swimming and that it is what it
is for however many hours, you know?

And coming out of that a.

People I've spoken with who've
had deep psychedelic experiences,

it was so it was traumatic.

It, it can be, I think in some ways to
people if you don't use it as it is a

medicine and then do the work afterwards,
that is so, so fucking important.

It's crazy.

I love that.

And that leads me to talk about the desire
to dive, because you are quintessential

in doing the integration work.

You've really flipped
over many of the rocks.

You're actively participating
within the memories and experience

you had a couple years ago.

What's the call, what are you hearing?

What are you listening to
intuitively because it sounds like.

There's a, another ceremony
potentially on the horizon.

What is drawing you?

Yeah, so I am I have, it's so funny.

Every time I think about
it, I think about it a lot.

Coming up soon, I am
going to do this again.

And the draw and the desire,
there's a couple of factors.

So the first round was just
kind of, We're trying this out.

Let's see what happens.

Walking away being like, I don't
know if I ever need to do that again.

When I was 18 years old was the last
time I did a deep dive in psychedelics

and I had a very, very bad trip.

It was a party, moment with some
friends, and it was horrible.

Like I, I remember wanting to die in that
experience and, and I made it through

and I said, I'll never do it again.

. And the, the truth is, it's
like I never wanted to be.

Environment.

Again, I never want to do a drug
where I'm trying to, be around

people and, and be that outta control
that are still true to this day.

Like, I don't wanna do that.

But I want to, now that I did this
experience in a, in a, like, almost

like a clinical setting And I've
seen all the good it's brought and

the perspective and the change and,
and hearing about, I've friends

and very close family who have done
psychedelic integration in their lives.

All have had these profound enlighting
moments, and they have all said the

same thing, which is, They thought
it was extremely beneficial and

worthwhile, whether they go back or not.

Most people say it was, , it
was the hardest thing they've

ever done in their entire life.

I know people who have gone on massive
extreme journeys, climbing mountains,

worst physical, exer what do you call
it exertion you've ever been through.

And they say that that four or five
hours . Journey in their ceremony was

harder than anything they had ever done
physically before, just hours versus

like weeks and months on the road.

You know what I mean?

It's just, so, my drive, what's
bringing me back is a couple of things.

I'm in a, a period of time.

I'm in a moment in my life where
I'm living under incredible

amounts of anxiety and stress.

I've, I've been promoted you know,
I'm doing very well with work and.

But with that added responsibilities
come a lot of added stresses that

I've never dealt with before.

And so I'm feeling a need to just reset.

I'm feeling my ego bursting at the seams,
but I'm having a hard time recognizing it.

So I'm not, again, with my
next experience, with my next

ceremony, I don't expect.

I have zero expectations.

All I know is stuff's gonna come up in it,
and it's probably like it did last time.

Gonna show me things that are gonna
help me navigate life differently.

That hopefully makes things less
anxious and a little bit less stressful

and depressing and just, you know,
so again, it's just that perspective.

. That's my goal.

I want to go in with your
expectations and just reset.

Well, and what I heard about
earlier is this idea is the reset,

but also the humble bowing to it.

So if you could with consent, consider
that this idea of bowing to it, humbly

building a conversation with it.

Resetting Sounds like a remarkable recipe.

Absolutely.

What do you, what are you doing to
be gentle with yourself today and as

you get ready for this experience?

So, first and foremost, spending
time breathing through it.

That was a huge, huge thing with
my ceremony was needing to just.

You gotta breathe a lot.

You need to just get better
in and let better out.

And it's like that to me is
such an easy, stupid thing.

We breathe all day every day
cuz it's what keeps us alive.

But to set that intention and recognize
it, that first and foremost, above

and beyond anything, like, cuz I
think about it and I just can feel

myself like, Ugh, it's so scary.

You know?

It's fucking intense, man.

But like , I, I breathe.

And then so that's just me on a daily
basis whenever these moments come up,

what I'm doing to be gentle with myself
today, not even looking at the my, my

next ceremony, but so I set boundaries.

Boundaries are huge.

This is something that I've learned my
Sherpa has taught me so, so much about is

boundaries and everything, relationships
work myself, you know, partying.

I'm drawn.

I've always been drawn.

I love just partying in general.

Drugs and alcohol.

I've been a big part of my past.

I've done a lot of partying and,
but I've also learned that those,

there's been areas of my life where
I'm doing extreme partying , way too

much drinking, way too many drugs.

I think the psychedelics did play a part
in me recognizing how much better life is

without about a year after my ceremony, I
was able to make a commitment and stick.

Committing to Nobus for a year, I
wasn't, I wouldn't consider myself

an alcoholic during this time.

I was, you know, couple nights
of drink, a couple nights a

week and have a few drinks.

But just cutting it out period
to see what that's like.

I've been through horrible
relationships with women.

I've had very challenging
relationships with friends.

I wanted to cut just alcohol
and see what that's like.

And from that experience
Met the woman of my dreams.

I've found I was able to move
to the place of my dreams.

I'm literally living my dream right now.

And I attribute that to sort of the
steps that I was able to take from my

awakening, getting me towards realizing
there's certain things I need to cut

out of my life to grow and accelerate.

And from that it's.

Every day bringing me to a new
place of peace and happiness.

So I'm living in crazy, crazy fucking
work stress right now, which sucks.

But my ability to navigate it and
being in the environment I am because

of the life that I've begun to
build just in the last couple years.

It's, I don't find myself in
moments of severe depression.

I don't find myself falling.

and finding myself astray from the
path that I call my true north.

So my true north is the steps that I
take every day just by being, you know,

full of love and thinking with goodness
and kindness, and making decisions that

I know aren't just out of like lust and
out of just what I want in that moment.

But kinda thinking respectfully
Yeah, I lost my train of

thought a little bit there.

It's because you were flowing.

It's perfect.

No, you don't have to
say shit at all, Felix.

The work you do, the intention
you set, the just complete respect

and reverence you have for.

Transforming yourself and healing yourself
all the while being respectful to others.

I'm profoundly grateful for, and it means
the world to me that I get the privilege

to witness you and walk with you.

Thank you.

Aw man.

Thank you so much.

My, just my, you have
changed my life forever.

This emotion coming up right now
the experiences you've brought me,

the guidance you've brought me.

I think about every single day.

I'm so grateful.

Thank you so, so, so much.

All of it.