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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 3:This is Emma, and there's an email about the conference that's coming up, the Healing Together conference. We leave on Friday. It's in Orlando. But online, they posted a link that they're doing a study, and I was supposed to answer these questions as part of the study, and they share their results at the conference. So I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 3:So I click on I agree to participate, and then there are tests that I have to do. The first one is about eyes. Select an emotion. Reading the mind in the eyes test. Select the emotion expressed in the eyes.
Speaker 3:This is he looks scared to me. Scared is not an option, so I'm picking panicked. Okay. I got that right. Okay.
Speaker 3:This one, he looks gross. Like, he scares me, but the only choices are playful, comforting, irritated, or bored. So I think he thinks he's being playful, but I think he looks scary, like, creepy, like he's gonna do something to me. Oh, this guy looks really scared, terrified. That's why.
Speaker 3:Okay. I'm gonna pause it. I'm gonna pause the recording and finish this section of the test because it's all in pictures. All these series of pictures are that they really scare me, the looking at pictures of eyes. I didn't realize that eyes scared me, but this is really making me anxious.
Speaker 3:So hold on. Let me pause and skip to the next part. Okay. Wait. Here's an example.
Speaker 3:Here's one. I'm still on the eyes, but here's one that to me looks like she's scared and being cautious and, like, wary, but the choices are interested, joking, affectionate, or contented, which to me, it doesn't look like any of those. So interested is is as close as I can get because you have to pay attention to what makes you feel cautious and wary. Right? Okay.
Speaker 3:I finished that one. It was really hard, actually. I didn't like the word choices. There were none of them matched what I thought that they were looking like. And I don't know.
Speaker 3:It was confusing, and the eyes really creeped me out. I didn't know I had an eye thing. Like, it feels like a trigger, but I don't know why that matters, but it was really disturbing. Okay. The next one is about happiness, Which face looks happier, the left or the right?
Speaker 3:Oh, that really flashed fast. That was hard to see. It went so fast. Okay. Okay.
Speaker 3:These go really fast, so I'm gonna pause it to do these. Okay. So that was also really hard because some of them were happy and others were more happy, so that was easy. But others weren't really happy. Like, they were surprised or nervous.
Speaker 3:Which one is the more happy out of surprised or nervous? Like, it might not be a good surprise. Or two of them look scared, and neither of those are happy. So it's really confusing and really hard. Okay.
Speaker 3:The next one is vocabulary. So I have to see if I'm smart enough to do this, I guess. Okay. The one with the words was really easy. I don't know if it was meant to be hard or if it was meant to be easy, just to give me a break from the creepy faces because the faces are super creepy.
Speaker 3:Like, that's kind of a weird thing. I'm not liking the face game at all. The next one is fear, and that obviously sounds scary. But I okay. I'm gonna try it.
Speaker 3:Hold on. Okay. That was really bad. That was really hard. There were faces that looked happy or afraid, and those were easy.
Speaker 3:But there were others that looked a little bit afraid or a lot afraid or afraid or mad. But they were scary, so sometimes I accidentally clicked on the wrong one because I was answering which was scary instead of which is afraid in them. So I did it backwards some, and then twice, it made me space out. So it said I was taking too long and popped up an alert, which then I realized I was taking too long because when it changed the screen again, it helped me stay present, but that was progressively, like, much harder than the other ones were. Okay.
Speaker 3:The next one is anger. Which face is angrier? Well, I'm not excited about this one. Okay. Hold on.
Speaker 3:Let me pause. Okay. That was terrifying. That really messed me up. My ID number is English, your first native language.
Speaker 3:Gender. What sex were you assigned at birth? Female. How do you identify your sexual orientation, your age? How do you identify your race, ethnicity?
Speaker 3:How far did you get in school? Maybe the rest of the questions are easy. Are you taking any medication? No. I take vitamins.
Speaker 3:Oh, a survey. Survey two of eight. I hope these are easier than the faces. That testing was hard. Okay.
Speaker 3:Indicate how often each of the following things have happened in the last month. Absent mindedness or forgetfulness. Well, that's all the time. Right? Very often.
Speaker 3:Your body feeling like it was someone else's. Sometimes, Sometimes things around you suddenly seeming not quite right a little bit off often. Knowing you must be upset but not being able to feel it. I don't really get upset very often. I don't think unless it's a panic attack.
Speaker 3:Once or twice, People telling you that you said or did something you don't remember saying or do oh, very often. Feeling like there was more than one person inside of you very often. Not paying attention because you're in your own world often. Your hands or feet not feeling connected to the rest of your body Often, sometimes, sometimes. Feeling like you were in a dream.
Speaker 3:Oh, very often. Not having any emotions or feelings at a time when you should have been upset. Oh, that one's me. Very often. Suddenly realizing that hours had gone by and not knowing what you had been doing.
Speaker 3:Oh, very often. Having different people inside you with different names. Very often. Spacing out. Oh, very often.
Speaker 3:I just talked about that. Feeling mechanical like a robot. Once or twice, I guess. Things I don't know that I feel like a robot, but sometimes, like, every once in a while, it feels like I'm watching what's happening rather than really being in control of it. So if you mean like a robot, like someone else has the remote control, maybe that's it.
Speaker 3:Things around you suddenly seeming strange often. Not being able to feel emotions. Oh, that one's the one I was looking for very often. I don't really feel anything. Don't think suddenly finding yourself somewhere and not knowing how you got the oh, very often.
Speaker 3:Different people taking charge inside your mind very often. Driving or walking without noticing where you were going, very often. Feeling outside yourself, very often. Suddenly things around you not feeling real or familiar, very often. Feeling frozen inside without feelings.
Speaker 3:Oh. Oh. I hadn't thought about it like that, but that's exactly right. Like, I don't think I have feelings. Having blink spells, ugh, very often.
Speaker 3:Switching back and forth between different personalities. Yikes. Staring into space without thinking, oh, very often. Feeling like you didn't belong in your body. Sometimes your home or work suddenly seem unfamiliar to you.
Speaker 3:Often. Sometimes. I'm gonna put often. Knowing you should feel mad or sad about something but not feeling any feeling. Oh, very often.
Speaker 3:Realizing that you must have done something you don't remember doing. Very often. Feeling like two or more people were fighting or arguing inside your head. Yes. Very often.
Speaker 3:Submit. Ray, are you aware of there being any other parts or identities within yourself? Oh, I mean, that's what they say. I don't I yeah. I guess when I think about remembering emissy and emity, I mean, I know the others because of the notebook.
Speaker 3:Right? I guess I sometimes believe that there are other parts. I was not aware before. And then the therapist helped me understand, so maybe sometimes but I guess if I think about Emma Z and Emma T and even the podcast, which is kind of embarrassing, I think. I often okay.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna move that to I often, but not Mark I know. And definitely not I always know. Do you think there might be any parts that you don't know about? Oh, yeah. I think so, but I'm not sure.
Speaker 3:There might be, but I don't like to think about. Oh, that one. Okay. Do the other parts or identities communicate with you? No.
Speaker 3:They don't. They occasionally do. They sometimes do. They often. Occasionally.
Speaker 3:How do you feel about other parts or identities communicating with you? I don't want to know about them. I usually don't want communication. I sometimes feel I might. I often am open to, I'm comfortable with.
Speaker 3:I don't want to know. I think I've moved from I don't want to know, and now I'm gonna mark I usually don't want communication. But, really, it's not been that long since I didn't wanna know anything. So I'm maybe right between there somewhere. Okay.
Speaker 3:Are you able to communicate with other parts or identities in general? I don't communicate with any of them. I occasionally communicate sometimes. I don't really know how to do it on purpose. I occasionally other than the journal, so I'll put occasionally.
Speaker 3:Do you share co consciousness with other parts? That is, are you aware of what they are thinking or doing? No. I'm gonna put rarely only because of MSE and MAT. When other parts are out in the body, are you aware of what happens?
Speaker 3:No. Is there cooperation between you and other parts identities, for example, about the times and places when other parts come out? I think a little with some parts because of work, I think. A little with only a few parts. How would you describe how you feel about the other parts and identities?
Speaker 3:I don't wanna know anything. I understand a little about a few, but can't deal with most of them. I understand some, but have a hard time with others. I understand many and trying. I understand in oh, I understand a little about a few of them, but can't deal with most of them.
Speaker 3:Okay. When I was growing up, these questions ask about some of your experiences growing up as a child and a teenager. Although these questions are of a personal nature, try to be honest. When I was growing up, oh, This makes my head hurt. I didn't have enough to eat.
Speaker 3:Often true. I knew that there was someone to take care of me and protect me. Rarely true. People in my family called me things like stupid, lazy, or ugly. Very often true.
Speaker 3:My parents were too drunk or high to take care of the family. Well, our family had a lot of problems, but alcohol wasn't actually one of them as it turns out. I don't think, but never true. There was someone in my family who helped me feel I was important or special. Special.
Speaker 3:Really too. There was a grandmother. I, like, I had to wear dirty clothes. This really is making me spacey and make my head hurt. I felt loved.
Speaker 3:Never true, rarely true, sometimes true, often I thought my parents wished I had never been born. These I I she's such a chicken.
Speaker 1:I mean, this is Sasha. I can do this. I thought my parents wish I had never been born. Yep. I got hit so hard by someone in my family that I had to see a doctor or go to the hospital.
Speaker 1:Yep. There was nothing I wanted to change about my family. People in my family hit me so hard that it left me with bruises or marks. Yep. I was punished with a belt, a board, a cord, or some other hard object.
Speaker 1:Yep. People in my family looked out for each other. Nope. People in my family said hurtful or
Speaker 1:my
Speaker 1:family insulting things to me. Yep. I believe I was physically abused. Yep. I had the perfect childhood. Nope. I got hit or beaten so badly that it was noticed by someone like a teacher, neighbor, or doctor. Yep. I felt that someone in my family hated me. Yep. People in my family felt close to each other. Nope.
Speaker 1:Someone tried to touch me in a sexual way or try to make me touch them. Yep. Someone threatened to hurt me or tell lies about me unless I did something sexual with them. Yep. I had the best family in the world.
Speaker 1:Someone tried to make me do sexual things or watch sexual things. Yep. Someone molested me. Yep. I believe that I was emotionally abused.
Speaker 1:Yep. There was someone to take care of me take me to the doctor if I needed it. The grandmother, but then she died. I believe that I was sexually abused. My family was a source of strength and support.
Speaker 1:Well, no wonder she didn't wanna do that. She didn't know anything. In the past, were you bothered by repeated disturbing disturbing and unwanted memories of the stressful experience? Yeah. She's always bothered by it, obviously.
Speaker 1:Repeated disturbing dreams. Yeah. She has nightmares every night. Suddenly feeling or acting as if the stressful experience. Oh, now time is safe, you guys.
Speaker 1:Feeling very upset when something reminded you of the stressful Yeah. Having strong physical reactions. Yeah. Avoiding memories that yes. She didn't answer the questions.
Speaker 1:We'll put extremely on that one. Avoiding external reminders. Yeah. Can we say locked in our house and not moving? Sometimes in the closet.
Speaker 1:Trouble remembering important parts of the stressful experience. Yep. Have strong negative beliefs about yourself, other people, or the world. Wait. What?
Speaker 1:I totally spaced out. Have strong negative beliefs about yourself, such as I am bad. There's something wrong with me. Oh, yeah. That's her, but I'll put quite a bit.
Speaker 1:Blaming yourself or someone else for the stressful experience or what happened after it. I don't even understand that question. I'm gonna put moderately because I don't know what it means. How much were you bothered by having strong negative feelings as such as fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame? Yes.
Speaker 1:That's her right there. Worst of that is the mother one. Oh, she's like the shame ball. The ball of shame. Loss of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.
Speaker 1:Maybe the mother one, but I think I'm supposed to answer for Emma, and she's cool because she don't know nothing. Feeling distant or cut off from other people. Social anxiety and agoraphobia accounts. Trouble experiencing positive feelings. Irritable behavior, angry outbursts, or acting aggressively.
Speaker 1:I know which one that is, but that's not Emma, so I don't know how to answer it. I'll answer moderately because that's right in the middle. How much were you bothered by taking too many risk or doing things? Oh. By being super alert or watchful, feeling jumpy or easily startled.
Speaker 1:That's her difficulty concentrating. That's her trouble falling or staying asleep. You guys, we cannot even go to sleep without the husband hardly. Like, he has to put us to sleep repeatedly, like, put all of us to sleep, like, in a long line of taking turns. It probably takes even longer to put us to sleep than it does to tuck in all of the children.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't know. Please rate your worst feelings of depression. I think the mother one has our depression, and so, like, she's not gonna come
Speaker 3:out now. So I don't
Speaker 1:know how to answer it. Sadness. I do not feel sad, but she's, like, sad much of the time. Pessimism. I am not discouraged about my future.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna put I am not discouraged about my future because, actually, I am more encouraged about our future with the husband and the therapist than we feel in a long time. I'm not actually very pessimistic. I mean, I'm not myself at all, but even the mother one who even the one who's, like, got some depression, like, I don't think she's as pessimistic before because therapy is working. That's why we go, and our therapist is awesome. So I think I will make our answer a little brighter than it would have been before.
Speaker 1:Past failure. Let's answer that the shame way. Loss of pleasure. Hello, pleasure. I get as much pleasure as I ever did from the things I enjoy.
Speaker 1:Let's just put that because it's pleasure. Delicious. Guilty feelings. Yeah. She's guilty most of the time.
Speaker 1:Punishment feelings. Yes. She is feeling punished. Self dislike. She is.
Speaker 1:She does not like herself. I'm answering about the mother. These are like mother questions. I can tell. Self criticalness.
Speaker 1:I can't even read these big words. Yeah. She criticizes herself about everything. Crying. Yeah.
Speaker 1:She's well okay. Here's another one. Because, like, we have a really good therapist now, and we're working really hard in therapy. So we actually don't cry as much as we used to. So I don't know how to answer that.
Speaker 1:That's not a choice. And I feel like crying but can't, that would be the Emma question. So I'm gonna put that one. Agitation. Oh, that's me.
Speaker 1:I am restless and round up. Wound up. I am restless and wound up. Okay. Loss of interest.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But I think that's something that's improving with therapy. Like, really, I would answer that differently this year. Indecisiveness. Oh, well, clearly, we're indecisive.
Speaker 1:Worthless. I don't feel worthless, but I know that the mother one does because I hear about it all the time. Loss of energy. I have as much energy as ever. That one's me.
Speaker 1:So for Emma, I don't think she has very much energy. Changes in sleeping pattern, it's just always sucked. I don't know that that's changed. I have not experienced changes. Well, since therapy when we have therapy, we sleep more.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna click a lot more than usual because of therapy, though. I don't know if they know that, but that's why I'm putting it. Irritability. Well, yeah, that's me. No.
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding. That's the mother. Changes in appetite. Concentration. It's hard to keep my mind on anything for very long.
Speaker 1:Let's choose that one. Tiredness or fatigue more easily than usual since therapy. Because, like, we'd sleep if we did not have to drive four hours home. I mean, driving four hours home, we have to literally stop halfway and take a nap. And then when we get home, we could sleep for, like, fifteen hours.
Speaker 1:When we're in the hotel and have therapy, we could sleep for a solid three days. Like, I'm not even kidding. Therapy is exhausting. Why is that? I want a whole podcast episode just about why you sleep after therapy.
Speaker 1:So if you know who I can talk to about that, we should totally do that episode because I found out it's not only just us. Like, that's a thing. When you work hard in therapy, I don't know if that's all therapy or just DID, but, dude, it makes us sleep. And it's wonderful not complaining. I'm a fan of sleep.
Speaker 1:But why is that? What is happening? I wanna know. Loss of interest in sex. Oh, hello.
Speaker 1:We have moved on from pleasure. I have not noticed any recent changes in my interest in sex. I'm less interested in sex. I am much less interested. I've lost interest in sex completely.
Speaker 1:I think I would answer this very different than Emma. Okay. Well, answer for her to be nice. Because, you know, we can make an effort at consistency here, people. Right?
Speaker 1:Submit. Oh, I like how the submit button is after the sex question. Okay. Treatment history. This particular questionnaire was administered in a paper form at Healing Together conference two years ago.
Speaker 1:We weren't there. So, no, I have never completed this survey before. Have you ever been in or received treatment? Yes. Individual, group, medication.
Speaker 1:So, like, twenty years ago, some guy some guy, like, he was a doctor, and I call him some guy because I don't know his name. But that therapist sent us to the psychiatrist that was, like, in her office, and he gave us medicine for switching. It was like Ritalin or something. Did you guys know that? Does anyone else have medicine for switching?
Speaker 1:But that's, like, when we were in school. Like, we were just 17 or 18. But, yeah, we're not on any meds then. And that like, I don't think we ever actually even took that. We're, like, medicine haters, but that's a different story.
Speaker 1:Partial hospital residential program. Ugh. We did that. Got, like, safety rules established and never doing that again. That was awful.
Speaker 1:That was awful. I'm so glad that there are some people who have positive hospital experiences, but ours was terrible. We tried to talk to McLean and interview them and almost had it set up, and then they canceled. And so I don't even know about their special programs. We talked to doctor Ross about his a little bit on that interview, but I don't know if DID specific places are different, but, oh my goodness, we had a terrible hospital experience.
Speaker 1:But what we did finally get to were, like, some ground rules and some safety, And then we just didn't do any treatment for twenty years because that was such a traumatizing experience. So whew. Although, obviously, we do hotel therapy. So if hotel therapy can count as a partial hospitalization where you don't run away and instead tell your therapist and the husband that you're going to a hotel and then you stay there for a week and, like, don't leave it, but do lots of therapy and journaling and internal meetings and things and calm everything way back down and get grounded and then go play at the park and come back and kind of work your way back out on in time for therapy the next week and then go back home, then we will count that as a partial hospitalization. Okay.
Speaker 1:On a scale of one to 10, how helpful did you feel individual psychotherapy? Okay. That's crazy because I would say zero before. But now with the therapist we have, I'm gonna give her a 10. Very helpful.
Speaker 1:On a scale of one to 10, please rank how you help felt group therapy was. Okay. We've been in group therapy twice. One time we were in group therapy back, like, twenty years ago when we were with that therapist, and it was a DID group, and it was crazy sauce. And everybody was just triggered.
Speaker 1:We didn't participate well or consistently, and so we dropped out. We were not kicked out. We just dropped out. So that was not really very helpful. Although, I guess the point at that time was that there were other people with DID.
Speaker 1:So that was helpful to know, but also way too much at the time. But we just did that group with the Chris's, and that was super helpful because we learned about internal worlds, and we learned about communication, and we learned all kinds of words for things we didn't know, like switching and fronting and different kinds of alters and insiders and how everybody's important even if they creep you out or annoy you and how to be respectful, which I'm still working on, and things like that. So I'm gonna give the Chris's a 10. Very helpful. On a scale of one to 10, please rank how helpful you felt pharmaco I can't even say that word.
Speaker 1:Medicine was. I'm gonna put one less helpful. On a scale of one to 10, please rank how helpful you feel partial hospitalization I'm gonna put a five. We didn't die, so that gets at some points, but it was also terrible. Have you shared your dissociative disorder with others?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna put no. If so, whom did you share? Check all that apply. Mental health providers, spouse. Oh, I guess we did share.
Speaker 1:Okay. Mental health providers. Medical, no. Spouse, yes. Family, no.
Speaker 1:Children, no. Roommates, not applicable. Close friends, no. Julie, you know I have DID? Okay.
Speaker 1:Now I shared with close friends. Employers, oh, no. That's not happening. Work colleagues, no. Online sources, Does that count as, like, groups?
Speaker 1:I'll click that. Okay. On a scale of one to 10, was disclosure to mental health providers? Well, she disclosed it to me. So I'm gonna put a one on positive.
Speaker 1:I didn't disclose it to her. She disclosed it to us. Oh, by the way, you have DID. Okay. On a scale of one to 10, was the disclosure to your spouse positive or negative experience?
Speaker 1:Positive. He was a trooper and was like, oh, that makes so much sense, and there's a word for it. Okay. On a scale one to 10, was disclosure to online sources positive or negative? We've had some creepy things happen online, so we're pretty careful who we talk to and chat with.
Speaker 1:There is the group of people who are just drama and not trying. Although I say that with, like, complete respect to people who are trying that have hard times. Like, I get that. We're not all chill all the time. But then there's another group who are there, like, just lurking and trying to date people, which makes it scary to interact with people because you don't want them turning it around and being all weird.
Speaker 1:Like, that's different than, like, making friends with someone and not turning into a relationship and then being all appropriate or just, like, being good buddies with somebody. Like, don't be creepers online, you guys, and don't talk to creepers. And then we also had a really experience terrifying experience a long time ago where we thought we were friends with someone and, like, even met them in real life and did some activities together, and it was super fun. But it turned out that they were only pretending to be our friend to, like, get some this is gonna sound crazy, but they were just trying to get some stuff from us. And I don't mean physically.
Speaker 1:I mean, like, some information, some activities we were helping sponsor and, like, completely stole that away. And then it turned into a whole nightmare. And this person still stalks us times, still tries to hack our accounts and steal our blog and the podcast. So if you ever all of a sudden are listening to our podcast and it turns into something creepy and scary, that is not us and someone else is talking, and I mean someone else inside. I mean, they like no, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1:They can't because we have really good passwords and we're really careful about that. But it's terrifying because this person's out there and will not leave us alone and it's been like twenty years. So that was negative. But on the other hand, there's a lot of people who are there learning and trying and working together and supporting each other so everything's mutual. It's not just like needy people, like people really working together.
Speaker 1:And there are, like, a group of people who are going to this conference, a group of survivors. We're in a private chat on instant messenger, and that's been really helpful because everyone is excited, but also nervous. And everyone is scared, but also excited. And like processing with them as we get ready to go to conference has been really helpful. And then there's also, like, friends that we get to meet.
Speaker 1:Like, I have two friend well, I don't know about the others, but I have two friends in particular that I like to talk to sometimes, and I really am grateful for them. I really appreciate chatting with or talking to sometimes, but also that can get really overwhelming. But the good thing about the online resources are being able to come and go. And then besides the groups, there's the YouTube videos and then our podcast, of course, which is the awesomest. So I'm gonna give positive or negative I'm gonna give it a three for on the positive end of things, maybe a two, but it's not gonna be perfect because there are creepers out there and even just straight up dangerous people.
Speaker 1:So you have to, like, be careful. Okay. Challenges or barriers? Managing day to day life sometimes. Negotiating relationships Often.
Speaker 1:I'm terrible, terrible friend because it's so scary and because these bad things have happened. Right? So it makes hard obtaining insurance coverage. We totally do not have any insurance. So listen to this whole battle.
Speaker 1:I can even tell you because it's so big that I know about it. And this kind of thing is not even my problem except that it becomes my problem. So right now, because of DID, doctor e does not have a private practice like in an office, but she does some online consulting. But consulting work is like freelance work, and people can pay you for it or pay her to go places and speak and stuff like that, but no one gives you insurance for that. And so we need to do private insurance.
Speaker 1:But when we tried to sign up at, like, the Obamacare or, I don't even Affordable Health Care Act or whatever. Like, when we tried to sign up online for that during open enrollment this year, like, right before Christmas, it said that because of our family situation, we qualified for a subsidy so we could get some so we could get insurance and not have to pay too much for it. But when we filled out everything and got submitted to be enrolled in that insurance, then our state does not actually participate in that. And so we found out we didn't actually have
Speaker 1:And subsidy after all, and to have health insurance, it would be $1,400 a month. So what are we supposed to do about that? So right now we're still illegal trying to find a way to get insurance, But we can't because we can't pay $1,400 a month, and we can't function because of DID well enough to, like, work all day in an office setting where we could get insurance through like a hospital or an agency or a group or wherever she works. So that's not the kind of work we have. And the husband doesn't have it either because he's a writer. So it's the same thing. His work counts as like for taxes or for insurance.
Speaker 1:It counts as contracting or freelancing work, and so insurance isn't part of what you get paid. It's not a benefit you get. So we're stuck, both of us, in this loop of we need insurance, but we can't get it because we don't have enough money to pay for our part, and our state doesn't have subsidy. So it's a disaster, and I don't know what to do about it. Nobody knows what to do about it.
Speaker 1:So yes, obtaining insurance coverage is hard because we also can't function to get like an eight to five job that provides insurance. Ugh, so annoying and I don't know too bad. Managing work or employment, but sometimes because we have creatively solved it and so we are making enough money, like, to provide for our family, but not insurance. And it's super annoying when it takes too long, and we can't do it in the ways we used to do it, so whatever. Finding providers who treat DID.
Speaker 1:Yes, that is hard. Finding treatment in your area. Yes, that is hard. Seeking non psychiatric medical care. Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Speaker 1:Can I just put not applicable? Talking with medical providers about DID. Yeah, that's not gonna happen either. Accessing information about DID and treatment options. Well, are no options except for our awesome therapist who's a billion miles away.
Speaker 1:Understanding knowing the language and terms used associated with dissociation and dissociative disorders. Often that has been a challenge, but we are getting better at it because we have discovered there's a whole world of words about this, which is one of the reasons we're doing the podcast and a lot of what we've learned in the last six months. What is a positive aspect about having or living with DID? I feel like I would answer this question very differently than Emma would. I'm gonna put having oh, oh, oh.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna put having exponential friends. Meaning, not inside because those people are boring. I mean, having other friends who are DID or had DID. So what's the worst thing about DID? I put nightmares and memories.
Speaker 1:Submit. Final survey. Was this the first time to complete? Yes. Did you have any technical problems?
Speaker 1:No. Is there any information you would like to share with us? No. Why do you want information from me? I already told you so much.
Speaker 1:That's intrusive. Okay. We did it. Ba bam. So if you are going to the Infinite Mind Conference this weekend coming up, then definitely click on the link and fill out the survey.
Speaker 1:We will put a link to the survey in the blog, and it's super cool. We'll hear what everybody answered from last year at the conference this weekend. I can't believe it's almost here. It's already this weekend. It's very exciting, and we will totally be talking all about the conference when we get there.
Speaker 1:I can't wait.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community@www.systemspeakcommunity.com. We'll see you there.