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The Man On FIRE Podcast is your #1 trusted resource for learning to grow and become the Man and King you were born to be. You’ll hear directly from David Mehler as he provides tools, tips, and strategies for your business, relationship, body, heart, and mindset. This is a must-listen for the man that is ready to rise into his passion, power, and purpose, and live into his full potential!
Learn more at www.manonfirerising.com.
Unveiling the Man WIthin
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[00:00:00] David Mehler: Alright, what is up everyone? It is your man on fire mentor David Mailer. It has been a while since I have been with you guys. So my apologies that it's taken this long for me to circle back and do a live. I want to actually dive right in today. And address some of the comments slash questions that you guys have been submitting right now.
[00:00:24] I'm going to take care of three of those and then tomorrow I will hit on the rest of them. For those of you that are relatively new to the group, welcome. I'm David Mailer, the man on fire mentor. I'm here supporting you guys and having more passion, more power, and more purpose. Why? To be better men, to be better fathers, to be better husbands, and to live into the fullness of your potential.
[00:00:45] We know that we're here to grow. We know that we're here to take our last breath and to be one of freedom and fulfillment rather than one of regret. So if you found your way to the Man on Fire Facebook group, congratulations. I got your back. So too do many of the coaches that are in here. [00:01:00] It's an honor and a privilege to have you guys.
[00:01:01] All right. Let me dive right into some of these, uh, shares. Here we go. First one.
[00:01:08] A gentleman by the name of Daniel he writes, I've heard the humble hit list talked about. I'd like to know what I need to do to create mine. My marriage is on the rocks. I'm not sure what we're going to, if we're going to make it, I'm doing everything in my power to improve myself, taking full responsibility for where we are at and try my best to allow us the space and momentum to relieve our resentments.
[00:01:33] Against each other. Seems to me the humble hit list would help a lot. Can anyone give me insight, please? Thank you. All right, Daniel. Yes, I'm happy to help you with that, brother. And, uh, I want to preface by just saying, hey guys, it takes a lot of commitment to want to grow yourself as a man. And I know that you guys are doing your best.
[00:01:54] And I know that you want to show up as a powerful man, as a powerful husband, [00:02:00] leader, you know, and father. And so it takes tremendous, uh, courage to do so. And I want to just start by honoring each and every one of you for wanting to, um, walk this path, right? Because it's a lot easier to play the game of, of naming, blaming, shaming, judging and projecting.
[00:02:18] But if you've found your way to this community, one of the first things that you'll learn is that if you want to have a different life, if you want to have a different marriage, it all starts with you and your earnest, and humble. Courageous ability to look in the mirror. And recognize that the only man that really needs to change is the one you see in the mirror.
[00:02:37] And if you want to have a different marriage, if you want to have a different relationship, if you want to have a different life, it starts with you and you alone. And that's not to say that the women in our life don't need to, uh, make some changes.
[00:02:48] It doesn't mean that they're not needing to take some form of ownership and responsibility of what's going on. But as men, I'd like to think, I'd like to believe that we go first and we pave the way and we show [00:03:00] the way and we create the way and we create the safety. And that's why we're here as men. So to answer Daniel's question, uh, very succinctly, uh, My wife, uh, who has her own, uh, program called Wild Women in Love, and, uh, she also does a lot of coaching within the Man on Fire Brotherhood, men who have come to one of our four day, uh, immersions, a live event.
[00:03:22] She'll coach there, and then the men that end up joining our inner chamber for a year, she coaches a lot of them, and... Together we've coached a lot of couples and one of the things that she teaches and she taught it on one of our workshops called Reclaim Her Heart. She teaches men that you have to go back and revisit all the betrayals.
[00:03:39] And she shared that the things that are showing up in your marriage today, the arguments that you're having today are most likely more in relationship to The betrayals that you haven't cleaned up, whether that be macro or micro betrayals, and you don't realize it as a man that the amount, the [00:04:00] amplitude, right, that's in front of you, like you're wondering why, why is she so upset about this?
[00:04:03] This is not such a big deal. Like whatever's in front of you and what we're unable to see as men. Is that what she's upset about has to do with the things you haven't cleaned up that got carried like a heavy bag Into the present moment. So the the present is clouded by the past Why is that well because we as men haven't learned how to properly clean up the past.
[00:04:24] So what does that mean? Well, I'm gonna give you an example and this is gonna really hit home on on what the humble hit list is Which in a nutshell is basically you making a list of the ways that you're present to that you've hurt your wife Whether that was an affair, whether it was flirting with somebody else, whether it was, uh, overworking all the time and not coming home and being present, whether it's the vacations that were promised that she didn't deliver on, whatever it is, we all know that as men that we drop the ball here and there and some of the betrayals are macro betrayals.
[00:04:56] So, I'll share a quick story that will encapsulate what my wife was talking about. [00:05:00] So, one of the brothers that was in our community for over a year, we call him the Bear, lives in Colorado, and he came into our community initially where he was, like, literally a millimeter or two from divorce.
[00:05:12] And there was no intimacy, there was no passion, there was no trust in the marriage, but he very much loved his wife. And, uh, a year goes by in our community and the relationship is completely, uh, reignited, reinvigorated, reinvigorated, um, it's just brought back to life. There's lots of passion, there's lots of intimacy, there's lots of trust.
[00:05:32] But I asked Will, uh, about a year in, I said, do you think you own every chamber? Of your wife's heart and he said, no. And I said, well, let's go back to the earliest betrayal that you can remember that you think you've cleaned up, but you really haven't. And by the way, just as a side note, apologizing for something is not the same as really cleaning it up.
[00:05:52] Cleaning it up means you, you hold empathy, you hold compassion, and that you're able to really get what she felt like, like you're [00:06:00] connected emotionally with what it felt like for your wife when you let her down. And most men, their apologies have a tendency to be more surfaced. They have a tendency to be more in their head about their apology.
[00:06:13] And it's coming from their mind, it's coming from their head, and they can't be felt. And when a woman can't feel you, she can't trust you. When she can't trust you, she can't be intimate with you. When she can't be intimate with you, she's not going to fully open her heart to you. And so, part of the journey and why men join our brotherhood, and I don't mean the free Facebook group, I mean come to one of our four day...
[00:06:32] Man on Fire rising immersions where we crack you open. We get you out of being a robot. We get you out of your head. We get you feeling again. We get you, uh, back into feeling empathy and compassion and, and being able to be present for your wife and for your children and for, for others, for humanity. So, coming back to Will's story, So, I said, well, what's the thing that you think that you cleaned up but you know you can go deeper on?
[00:06:55] And he said, well, I remember 18 years ago, right before we got [00:07:00] married, there was a time where we were in a restaurant, my wife and I, soon to be wife, and I remember she sat on my lap and my mother and father were at the table with us and my mother gave me this look, almost like, why are you, why are you letting her sit on your lap?
[00:07:12] What are you, a child? Is she a child? And so he told his soon to be wife to get off of his lap. And what ended up happening naturally was that that was an act of betrayal where it appeared as though Will was siding with his mother or more invested in what his mother thought and what her concerns were rather than him protecting his wife.
[00:07:34] So I invited him and coached him on how to go back into that conversation with his wife. And, and bring it up and basically say, listen, if I could do, get a do over on that day, I want you to know how I would have handled it. And he went into how he did handle it and how, how he gets, how that was a huge letdown and set the tone, the vibrational tone for the marriage and that she didn't feel held and she didn't feel safe and she didn't feel [00:08:00] protected and she didn't feel like he was choosing her.
[00:08:02] And his, uh, opinion of what his mom thinks about him was more important than him protecting her heart. And he told her, if I could get a do over, here's how I would have handled it. And he told her this, you know, in his heart. And she could fully fear, uh, feel his power. And there were tears streaming down her face.
[00:08:18] And it's like he went and he dug up all the layers, peeled back all the carpets, found the lost treasure, and really went for, um, striking gold where he was able to revisit that earliest betrayal from the humble hit list, right? You gotta make a list. And, um, he ended up sharing with us that that night they made love in a way that they hadn't done in the previous 18 years.
[00:08:38] That there was a depth to it that he had never imagined could be possible with his lady. And that's what I mean by owning every chamber of her heart. Like when she can fully trust you, she can soften into you and she could reveal the fullness of who she is to you. And that's what happened with the Shetland Will.
[00:08:54] This is what we're teaching men to do in our brotherhood, which is, uh, how do you not just intellectually [00:09:00] get what I'm Telling you guys right now because you're like, yeah, I want that. I want to be able to do that with my wife or my girlfriend or my fiance or my ex. How do I do that? And the answer is you have to learn how to get into your body.
[00:09:11] You have to learn how to drop intellectual information down integrated into your body. And that's the specialty of Man on Fire. That's why we're so passionate about inviting you guys all the time into our coaching program, especially the four day immersion, which is where we hold you guys to the fire.
[00:09:26] And that's where we teach you guys how to integrate this. Uh, this information and we do somatic work with you, which means we're working, we're working with your body. We're helping you break into your body where you buried everything. And by helping you feel again, by helping you connect again, by helping you have emotions again, by helping you grow your empathy and your compassion, you're more available in your relationships.
[00:09:45] You're more present and you can speak to these invisibles. You could speak to these betrayals. So, Daniel, we'll make sure that you are aware that I answered your question, and just know that we're here for you, brother. And when you're ready, get your ass to one of our Man on Fire four day [00:10:00] immersions,
[00:10:00] That's our signature program and, you know, we've had thousands of men come through that.
[00:10:05] We're about to do our 71st immersion. It's taking place in Orange County, California this coming Thursday. So, uh, let's move on to one more question. I might have room for one or two. Here we go. All right.
[00:10:20] So Will writes, please correct my thinking if needed. And then he writes, right there, we should correct that, right? Why are you thinking? Okay. Men need to become their true selves, and only when this happens is it acceptable for the woman to reveal her true self and love the man the way she should.
[00:10:43] Correct? Question mark. Does this stem from the idea that someone has to take the first step so it should be the man by virtue of him living his true self and becoming a leader? I can't, he says, I can't accept the idea that it's okay for [00:11:00] women to withhold their true selves and their love until certain conditions are met.
[00:11:05] All right, Will Bailey, beautiful share here, and I'm going to dive into addressing what you wrote here with some questions in it. So let me start here by saying that in the man on fire world. This is never about who is right and who is wrong. It's never about fault. It's never about blame.
[00:11:24] It's never about any of that. It absolutely is about the willingness to take conscious ownership and responsibility for one's life. And if you don't like the relationship that you're in, you don't have to look further than the mirror. It, the, the trap is it's very easy to look at your partner and say, well, it's her, it's her, it's her, it's her.
[00:11:42] The growth is your willingness and courage to look in the mirror and and really take a cold hard look at well What is it that needs to shift about me? What is it that that is seeking me in terms of growth? so with that said
[00:11:56] I'm not suggesting that a woman [00:12:00] Doesn't take ownership and responsibility for what belongs to her when it comes to issues or problems in a relationship however What I am suggesting And, and let me go further with that. What I've observed in doing this work, literally since 1994, but more specifically working with men as it involves intimate relationships, I've been doing that for the past 10 years.
[00:12:25] And what I can tell you is that one of the hardest things in the world is for a woman to maintain her sovereignty. In the face of her man having lost his light, having lost his sovereignty, having lost his way. Having dropped his leadership, having sold himself in the relationship short. So, for example, I've had a client that was with me a few years and he had 19 affairs behind his wife's back, so it'd be very easy for her to kick him to the curb.
[00:12:57] It would have been very easy for. Her to [00:13:00] never speak to him again, but this woman who's in the, in the minority, maybe in the one percentile, I can't, you know, claim that that statistic is accurate, but this woman ended up maintaining her sovereignty. She maintained her light. She never forgot who her husband really was.
[00:13:16] He wasn't the guy that had the affairs. She knew him to be a man of integrity, honor, and commitment. As it turns out, which is, has nothing to do with why I'm sharing this, you know, he had been, uh, molested, molested when he was a little boy by his grandfather and so how that carried out later in life is he acted out through affairs trying to get out of pain and fill the void of feeling unworthy.
[00:13:38] My point of this is that she is in such the minority of a woman that doesn't lose her way in the face of her husband having lost his way. Don't we all wish that a woman could be that way? Don't we all wish that they wouldn't fall into their hurts, their wounds, into the drama and into the trauma response, where they're in fight or flight.
[00:13:58] And when you have two people in a [00:14:00] relationship that are in the forgetting, it's usually called separation or divorce. So, I'm not suggesting, Will, that it's all on the man. However, what I am suggesting is that because Today it is very challenging, uh, and difficult and hard for a woman to maintain her sovereignty, uh, in the face of a man losing his way, in the face of a man losing his leadership, in the face of a man falling into his immature masculine.
[00:14:24] It stands to reason that she's going to want to guard and protect her heart. She's most likely brought some form of hurt and wound into the relationship, whether it was a father figure or an ex. And today there's good reason. You know, with what's going on in the world and sex trafficking, there's good reasons for a woman to not feel fully safe in her body and in her heart and to be fully revealed and to be fully open.
[00:14:46] So what the invitation is to men who come into our community is to create that safety, to go first, to grow yourself and And create the safety for her to once again, swim in the dynamics, swim in the energetics [00:15:00] of you and your wholeness of you and your leadership of you and your masculine core. Does that mean you have to be perfect?
[00:15:05] No. Does it mean you have to arrive at a certain point before all this could take place? No. It just simply means you're on You're on the path. You're on the journey to grow yourself and that you have a heartfelt desire and you have the courage to, um, continue to pump energy into wanting to be a better man, wanting to be a better husband, wanting to be a better father, wanting to be a better leader.
[00:15:24] And in that, in the face of that, of her witnessing your commitment to your growth, right? Because we're committed to something like some of us are committed to alcohol. Some of us are committed to. Pornography. Some of us are committed to affairs, some of us are committed to overworking, like you're committed to something.
[00:15:38] How many of you are truly committed to growth? And so the invitation that's in front of you as a man is would you be willing to pump energy into growing? Because as you grow You change who you are. You change your frequency. You change your vibration and you change the dynamic of your partner that's interacting with you.
[00:15:55] And in the presence of your maturation, in the presence of you shifting, [00:16:00] you've created the safe space for your lady, for your partner, for the woman that's with you to all of a sudden reveal herself to you. So we'll, you know, to answer your question, um, yeah. You know, can the woman go first? Yeah, she can go first.
[00:16:15] But, you know, I'd like to think that the masculine energy is more direct. It's more decisive. It's more of leadership. And that's not to say that women don't have that. Every woman has a masculine energy just as every man has a feminine energy. My experience has shown me in life that if you really want to create change in your relationship, you as the man have to have the courage to go first.
[00:16:38] And again, it's not from the lens of blame and fault. It's from the lens of, you know, being the hero, being the king, being the one that's committed to bringing a new version of you forward. And in that new version, let's, let's see what version of her emerges, right? Because she's just a reflection of where you're at.
[00:16:55] So you want to see the world differently. You want to see your lady differently. You want to see the relationship [00:17:00] differently. You don't have to change what's out there, you change what's in here. You keep changing you, you change your filter, and you're gonna change how you're seeing things, and then the person that's interacting with you will interact with you differently because you're a different person.
[00:17:12] So you never have to go out there and change what's out there. You change what's here, and then the movie you get to watch changes because you had the courage to change yourself. Alright, I'm gonna trust that that will help you. Let me see if I have time for one last question here.
[00:17:25] And just remember guys we have a chat. You know, we have a Q& A chat for you guys to post in so if you ever want to get a question answer just put it in the chat Okay, here we go one last question I think I have time for and this one is from Randy, What does he write here?
[00:17:41] No, maybe that one's too long. Give me a second, guys. I did Daniel's. I did Will's. Yes, I'm going to get to Craig's. Tomorrow I'll get to Randy's. Okay, Craig. Here we go. He writes, So I've been stuck for the past six months. I've been in a relationship for just over two years. She's a great woman, but I've come to realize she is [00:18:00] not the woman I picture growing old with.
[00:18:02] I don't want to hurt her. She has been nothing but supportive when I had breakdowns. Um, and he refers to his military service. My kids love her and she is their bonus mom. I feel like I'm being a coward by letting this drag on. It's starting to play with my mental health, so I avoid it. How do I cause the least amount of hurt for everyone?
[00:18:24] Well, Craig, uh, for starters, let me thank you, uh, for being vulnerable. All you guys that are sharing in here, thank you for being vulnerable and exposing yourself in this way and being so transparent. That takes a lot of courage, so give yourself a little pat on the back, brother. So I'm gonna give it to you straight.
[00:18:40] That's what I always do. My promise is that you'll also feel my heart. But one thing, you know, you can't have a company called Man on Fire if you're not gonna give it to the guy straight and bring him the fire. So, Here's what you need to understand, Craig, is that the greatest way you can honor somebody is with the truth.
[00:18:57] If you're honoring your deepest knowing that [00:19:00] she's not the woman you want to grow old with, then that also means that you're not the man that she ultimately is supposed to grow old with. And the sooner you embrace that truth and the sooner you are able to express this to her, you're of greater service to her by giving her the truth and freeing her up for a man that can commit to her.
[00:19:18] For freeing her up with a man that is willing to grow old with her. And so A part of us likes to think, well, I don't want to hurt her. She's such a good person and, and I know this will crush her and I know this will devastate her. And the truth is, yes, it will hurt. Rejection hurts. It pushes on our buttons of self worth.
[00:19:36] And then we feel unlovable and then we wonder, am I always going to be alone? And what's the point of my life? And if you hang on to her for all the wrong reasons, Then you're not giving her the ability to move forward with her life and to open herself up vulnerably again to a man that can give his full heart to her.
[00:19:54] Now, the question is, and this is what's invisible to you guys, you know, why do we [00:20:00] do that? You know, because a part of us clearly does it because we don't want to hurt somebody else. And that, of course, you're a good man. You have a good heart. I don't want to hurt somebody. I hate hurting somebody. And here's the invisible part that sneaks in.
[00:20:13] And here it is.
[00:20:14] The other reason that we don't like to hurt people is because you're afraid that they'll change how they see you. You're afraid that they'll go from seeing you as a great guy to a different kind of man to all of a sudden, you're an asshole. You're a jerk. You're, you breached integrity. You don't have integrity.
[00:20:36] You, you, you hurt me. And so this terror of Knowing that somebody sees us a certain way and now all of a sudden they're going to see us a different way. That scares the shit out of us because that pushes our buttons of being not good enough. That pushes our buttons of being unworthy and being unlovable.
[00:20:54] And so we think, we convince ourselves, Well, I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her. I'm a good guy. I don't like to hurt [00:21:00] people. I don't like to hurt people. Yes, a part of that is absolutely true and it's coming from a clean place. However, the bigger part for us usually is, and I'm also terrified that if I hurt somebody, they're going to change how they think and feel about me.
[00:21:12] And I don't like people to see me in a light that I don't like to see myself. I don't want to see myself as a man that lacks honor or lacks integrity or lacks commitment. I don't want to see that. So rather than face that. We perpetuate a relationship that doesn't honor our soul and certainly doesn't honor her soul.
[00:21:28] Because if you know in your heart already that she's not for you, then you owe it to her to be honest and forthright. So how do you do that? You be honest. You just sit her down and you speak from your heart. And you tell her, you know, parts of you are... You know, hate having to tell her this because you know that it's hurtful, but you also know that you'd be hurting her more by not being fully forthright, by not, giving her the deepest truth in your heart.
[00:21:50] And you don't need reasons, brother, right? I've ended relationships in my life. I didn't have reasons. They want to know why. And I said, I don't have a why, I just have a knowing, and I know [00:22:00] that I'm not willing to violate my knowing. And, you know, you can reinforce for her, she's a phenomenal and tremendous woman, but you know deep in your heart that she's not the one you're supposed to grow old with.
[00:22:08] And you know that that's hurtful to hear, but you realize, I realize I'd be hurting you more by not telling you the truth. So, you're not supposed to use my words. It's not about my words. I want you to contextually understand that this is a vulnerable conversation. You do it in person. You learn to be okay with her emotions.
[00:22:25] You don't try to make her emotions go away. If she's angry, let her be angry. If she's sad, let her be sad. It's not for you to take on her emotions. It's for you to hold space for her emotions. It's for you to just have empathy in those moments. Have compassion. Show understanding. You don't need to make that go away.
[00:22:40] It doesn't mean that you're a horrible person. You did the right thing. You'll do the right thing. And you'll hold space for her. And you'll show her your leadership all the way through to the end. Especially knowing that you can't fully go all in on the relationship. So that is my suggestion, brother, is just be honest with her, free her, give her [00:23:00] that dignity.
[00:23:01] Um, honor her in that way, and, uh, you know, as a separate note, you might want to look at, you know, how do you know, how do you know that she's really not the person you want to grow old with, like, how much work have you done on yourself to really be able to have that discernment. I'm just giving you a little bit of pushback.
[00:23:15] Like, if you know in your heart, in your soul, that she's not for you, great, honor it. Uh, but if you're a guy that's been living, and I'm not saying that you are, but if you're a guy that's been living disassociated and disconnected from your feelings and from your emotions, That it's more than likely, like many men, you're relying on a woman to help bring you into a place of joy or, or happiness.
[00:23:35] And we put so much pressure on the woman, Oh, you're supposed to make me feel a certain way. It's supposed to feel different. I don't feel that with you. So you must not be the one. And you don't realize it has nothing to do with the woman. It has to do with, you're not able to access those feelings for yourself because you haven't done enough work on yourself.
[00:23:48] You haven't grown yourself as a man. You haven't. Gotten into a place where you could feel again, especially a lot of the men, right, that have been in the military. God bless you guys. Of course, a part of you had to shut down and become robotic. And, you know, the terror of letting [00:24:00] all that in and letting in all the pain of the shit that you had to go through, the things that you had to see and how you had to shut it down and become a robot, that's scary as shit to come back into a place of feeling in a world that can be so cruel.
[00:24:11] So I, I question, you know, a man's truth, unless it's coming from his heart, because more often than not, the woman that we're looking at is only through the lens of where we're currently at. And as our own lens changes as we grow as men. Then the woman that we're looking at, she looks different to us because we've, we've grown and our vision completely changes.
[00:24:31] All right, guys, that's a little taste of what goes on in in the Facebook group where I'll come in and answer some of your questions. Sometimes I'll just come in and I'll do some teaching. As always, there's always an opportunity for those of you that feel compelled calling to want to go deeper with us and explore one of our coaching programs.
[00:24:48] For those of you that know that it would be, uh, A good time for you to invest in yourself. It's responsible to not put things on hold anymore.
[00:24:56] You realize that, um, your life is screaming for a change and you're ready to make that [00:25:00] commitment to yourself to grow as a man and you want to explore. If one of our coaching programs might be the next best step for you, great. Let us know. We'll have a conversation with you. Um, with all due respect, please don't ask to have a conversation with one of our coaches if you're not ready to explore one of our coaching programs.
[00:25:14] Just continue to soak up all of my free material. Continue to show up on these lives where I give my time to you and get supported in that way until you're in a place where you could truly make an investment in yourself. I do care. You do matter. And yes, we have coaching programs that require financial investment, and we also have these free lives.
[00:25:31] All right, guys, with so much love, here's to you rising with passion, with power, and with purpose. It's your man on fire, mentor, David Mailer. Have a great night,