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Emotional Mentoring Activities. No, we're not talking about being overly sensitive and dramatic. Cry all you want about it, but if you want to be a good mentor, you have to find practical ways to help your mentee understand their feelings and emotions.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Hey. Today is our 2nd episode in our mentoring activities series. We are talking about emotional activities to implement in your mentor relationships, the benefits, the barriers, and the practicals. We hope today's episode gives you or your organization value. So if so, let us know about it.
Speaker 2:Leave us a review, rate the podcast, and share this episode with someone you think would benefit from the content. Thanks for listening. Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. My name is Steven, and I am here once again. The the reviews were raving about Beth Winter's first appearance on the podcast as a host last week.
Speaker 2:And and so I just wanna say much. Beth Thank you. Beth, you are loved. You are blessed and highly favored, and people people want more
Speaker 3:Beth. Well, here I am ready to deliver.
Speaker 2:Oh, man. Well, I'm I'm excited about continuing our series about mentoring activities. We want 2021 to be a year of health and growth for your mentoring relationships, and we are talking about today emotional activities for mentors and mentees. And so we're gonna talk about the benefits of emotionally connecting with the child you're mentee menteeing you're mentoring as as well as the barriers to their emotional health and growth and then some practicals on what what is an emotional activity. Mike, do are we just gonna watch the Titanic, like, and just cry?
Speaker 2:Like, I mean, I guess crying would probably be a good activity to do with your your mentee, not like forced.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I don't know if it counts if it's forced. Please don't make your mentees cry purposely.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, is is that is there is there a way we can make them cry intentionally? I don't know.
Speaker 3:I mean, maybe, like, encouraging them so so well. Yes. That always works for you. Like, you always get the waterworks going with you.
Speaker 2:My gosh. I'm so emotional. But I yeah. I mean, I I think I think that's a that's a that's a goal.
Speaker 3:To make your mentee cry?
Speaker 2:I mean, it seems counterintuitive, and that's why I think it needs to be the point of this podcast because most of these things it's it's what the people wanna hear, Beth. So no. I'm joking. Probably not. But but let's talk about emotions.
Speaker 2:And and I know I mean, Beth talked so much about oxytocin last week, and I just encouraged her to to leave, you know, that scientific mumbo jumbo out out of this one because
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's all about the heart this time.
Speaker 2:Yes. Come on. So, I mean, are there any scientific things about the heart that you'd like to share in this episode?
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm more of a brain girl, so I don't really know about the heart.
Speaker 2:Okay. Well, I know the Lord says that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. And I think that has something to do with our emotional health, just in how we relate with one another. So
Speaker 3:That is good.
Speaker 2:But, yeah, that's not in
Speaker 3:the sense. Know if that's scientific.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I also think that Jesus was talking about the brain when he was talking about the heart, because they weren't really sure on the whole, you know, biology thing. I think
Speaker 3:it was like this. The cell is more what they were culturally referring to.
Speaker 2:But, you know, if if Jesus was God, surely he would have known that. So but he was so willing to meet them where they were at, he talked to them in their language so that they would understand.
Speaker 3:Woah. And that's what you're gonna do for your mentee.
Speaker 2:That's mind blowing. That I'm gonna have to study that. Okay. Alright. Benefits of emotional activities.
Speaker 2:So what what we mean by emotional activities are are really are you promoting the emotional health of your mentee? Are you helping them process their emotions? Are you helping them understand and grow in empathy? Are you connecting with them on an emotional level? Something that you you probably understand children, like, don't understand, like, I'll talk about my son, Ben.
Speaker 2:On an emotional level, when he smacks me in the face, he has no idea that it hurts me. He just loves doing it. Like, he he has no emotional capacity to understand how his actions affect me, and I don't I I don't know how I feel about that. I'm I'm actually kind of sad about it when when it comes down to it. Like, I I've looked at him and be like, ow.
Speaker 2:And he just, like, keeps doing it. I'm like, why why don't you love me? It's like, oh, because you're 7 months old. Yep. Now for me, as Ben grows older, if he continues to do those things that hurt me
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And doesn't learn that he lives in an environment where he's been and everything else is affected by his actions and and vice versa. If he doesn't learn how to interact within the world as a being, he's probably not gonna have friends. Yeah. And I don't know what else about him. He's He
Speaker 3:probably won't have a job.
Speaker 2:That's a great that's a great point.
Speaker 3:Or a wife.
Speaker 2:You wanna understand expectations that others are placing. I was, like, what what do you what do you have to do with me?
Speaker 3:Yeah. And
Speaker 2:what do I have to do with you? And so when we talk about emotions, that's what we're seeking to develop. This is a natural thing that happens physiologically. Like, you just learn as you grow that you're your own person and you start to recognize other people. You start to recognize issues and problems, and you have to learn how to live in the world.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And so emotional activities for mentors. What are the benefits of doing it? Well, I would say the the first thing is just resilience. And Beth was kinda talking about this before we got on the podcast, but just a child's ability to persevere through difficult circumstances or challenges is contingent upon their emotional health.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking about one of the girls I have mentored, and one of the best days of my life was a day that I knew she was going through something really hard that took a lot of bravery for her, and she didn't call me because I she didn't need me, and she had gotten to a place where she could handle that on her own. She had the confidence to know that I can do this hard thing, And, like, I am my own person, and I have developed these skills to cope whenever that anxiety rises in me. And so, like, she was, like, a 20 year old person.
Speaker 3:So, you know, your 7 year old kid you might be mentoring is not gonna be there, but I think it's it's a cool goal to have to realize that you're teaching these things to a kid for the for them to have this in independence someday of recognizing I can go through the hard thing. I don't have I am not alone, but even if I was, I would be okay because I have I have this confidence in myself that I can do this. I've done it before. I can do it again. I got this.
Speaker 2:So would you say, I mean, emotional health leads to self confidence. Mhmm. It leads to, I I guess, the the main thing you said was independence, like, that that the goal is that you would be self sufficient in dealing with the issue the everyday issues of life. And I I know that sounds weird because living in a Christian culture, you're we're, like, always talking about dependence. Like, we wanna depend upon God and depend upon others and
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:We we just want to surrender. But really, like, for a kid to grow in independence is like a very positive thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's like for a kid, I think of it maybe as maybe I'm going on a road trip with a kid and, like, I'm I'm driving the car the first time, and they're just along for the ride. But then I'm teaching them the the map to get from here to there, and, eventually, they are not gonna need me to get from here to there. They are learning how to do that for themselves, how to calm down, how to build friendships, how to respect other people, how to process their stress. Do I want them to call upon me for that?
Speaker 3:And do I still have a role in that? Yes. But I don't wanna create dependence on me because I'm not the savior. They are a person that God created for purpose and for productivity, and it is my job to help make them confident to walk in those things.
Speaker 2:That's really good. And so, I mean, a mentor is looking to do activities and have conversations that enable the kid they're mentoring to be independent. Yes. And I think I think every mom that hears us say that is really excited because they're like, yes. That's what I want.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's really Hopefully.
Speaker 2:Yes. Another benefit is just, and there's a lot of, I mean, circles that talk about this, but emotional intelligence, like, we all know people who are low on the emotional intelligence scale. I I don't know if there's a scale, but you can feel it when you're in the room Yeah. With someone who's just they don't read the room, like, they don't understand how to relate, with others. And and emotional intelligence is probably one of the the greatest indicators of, like, success.
Speaker 2:Like, I I read a study that said that it's a it's a greater a greater it's a twice as good indicator than IQ, like, which everyone usually thinks of as just, like, your general intelligence, but emotional intelligence will really show you if a if a kid's going to be successful or not. Mhmm. And, obviously, the word successful has a lot of connotations, like, what does that mean? Does that mean, like, they're making a lot more money? But I would say success is just they're healthy and and it's not just what I know that makes me healthy, but it's really what I do with what I know and how I respond
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because of what I know and and all of those things that are like the soft skills Mhmm. And not necessarily just the the hard knowledge, if that makes sense. Yeah. It's like kids who are going to college to to learn skills that they don't know. Like, I went to college for a marketing degree.
Speaker 2:I feel like I learned so much more about how to relate with people Mhmm. In college. Not saying that I was, like, the most social, like, person who went to college not to learn something, but I feel like, really college is weird, like, why do we go to college when we're, like, 18 years old and have no idea what we wanna do with our lives? It's because we need reps in Mhmm. Relationships and emotional intelligence and responsibility in learning how to transition from mom's doing my laundry to now I have to do it.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Like, dad's paying for everything to now I have to get a job. Like, it's this transitional period that's more about me becoming independent and the emotional, like, relational things that I'm learning, the social things that I'm learning in that season more than just, you know, the nuclear
Speaker 3:Physics.
Speaker 2:Yes. Something. That that stuff, which maybe that was helpful for the guy who actually graduated with that degree. I dropped out of that class. So but there there's so much more than just academics.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like and and one of the the benefits or or I think the the challenges is that when people look at child development, they focus more on the academic side than the emotional development side. Right. And so if a kid's getting As, yes, that's that's that's great. But are they actually interacting in healthy ways with the people that are in their classroom, and are they dealing emotionally with their stuff in productive manners?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well and with kids from hard places, like, I think, maybe that's a concept that hasn't necessarily trickled down to this community yet because I think for so long, academics has been, like, the ticket out. Mhmm. It's been seen as if I if there's it's either entertainment or academics. Like, one of those two things is gonna be my ticket out or my son's ticket out of this life.
Speaker 3:And so I think the world kinda shifting, it's a great opportunity for mentors to give mentees a leg up and shifting along with the world and recognizing the importance that emotions actually play in success later on in life, helping them build those skills now.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so even just to go back, like, what is an emotion? Beth, what would you say an emotion is?
Speaker 3:A feeling, I guess. And
Speaker 2:what is a feeling?
Speaker 3:Oh, man. Can I lose
Speaker 2:some of that? But a feeling a feeling is a response. You touched me. I felt that. Right.
Speaker 2:It's a response to some kind of stimuli.
Speaker 3:Right. Emotion's like a language in itself Mhmm. Of explaining what's what's going on
Speaker 1:inside of us.
Speaker 3:So, Emotion's like a language in itself Mhmm. Of explaining what's what's going on inside of us.
Speaker 2:So if you're not able to explain how you're experiencing or feeling, then you're not able to be understood.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:But then if that's the case, then more likely than not, you're not able to understand anyone else.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And so you're, like, in this emotional purgatory
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Where you're experiencing the world, but you don't know why you feel the things that you feel. You can't articulate them, and you couldn't recognize those things in someone else.
Speaker 3:Right. Like, I could have all the right credentials on paper. I could have all a's, tons of money, like, all the things that look good on paper, but if I can't understand how to have a good conversation with the person across the table from me, I can only go so far in life.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Another benefit to emotional activities within your mentor relationship, which we're going to get into practicals of just how to do that, would just be the skill of self control, which, I I mean, it's a fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.
Speaker 3:Okay. Show off.
Speaker 2:I mean, I know the Bible, but but the the fruit of the spirit is self control. And usually, I mean, at at least in man conversations, self control is always like talking about masturbation.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 2:And it's like God's giving me self control over these negative temptations that are trying to steal my life or
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Rob me from God's best for me. And I I like thinking about self control as well, I think I'm that makes sense.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:I understand that. But I think, also, self control as the the ability to process the stimuli that I'm receiving, and my understanding reflects within how I live, how I react, what I think, what I believe about the world, and and that really the desire for the spirit being in my life from a from a biblical worldview is that God's spirit is within me, he knows every thought, intention, and desire of God, and he's making those things known to me and and so it's, like, God is casting a vision for me to follow him as I respond to the world. And if God is in influencing my response, my actions, my obedience will be worship to him Mhmm. Will be pleasing to him. And the whole idea behind my need for God's spirit is that I've been separated, that I don't know how to respond or who to say yes to, who to say no to, what temptation, what Yeah.
Speaker 2:What's a what's good and what's bad, and so I'm left in this this really I mean, it's just sin, and I think we need to get away from just thinking about masturbation. We need to get to this place where all of life, there are opportunities for us to to feel a desire and to and to not respond to it rightly, not recognize what's really within me, like, in what God's calling me to. That self control is so much more than than the, I think, the things that we just focus on
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:That relate to it. I mean, self control is like anger. Like, how do I respond when something really negative happens? What is God's vision for how I should respond and how does my emotional health relate within that experience? Yeah.
Speaker 2:I I feel like I've been preaching too much
Speaker 3:so I'm
Speaker 2:gonna stop.
Speaker 3:Well, I think that's really good to even just with like, to literally tell your mentee that God made all of the emotions. And so learning self control is a is the next step of what to do with this gift that God has given you, which is emotions. But I think especially as kids are getting more serious about their faith even, emotions can feel like a burden or like something that is wrong with them. It can feel like sin. If I'm if I'm having anger, I'm gonna I could feel sinful.
Speaker 3:And so I think even just teaching kids that there is value in emotions, God made them for a reason and saw beauty and saw that they were good, but then he also gave us this gift of being called up into self control and that the gifts that have been given to us can be used foolishly, or they can be used productively for a purpose.
Speaker 2:Yes. And so in summary of what I said, which was not very clear, so let me just summarize, that self control is the ability to utilize emotional responses for the glory of God Yeah. And that every emotion that we feel has a God intended response that he's trying to get at. Mhmm. And if we don't have emotional health, we'll never be able to walk in it.
Speaker 3:Right. A redeemed version of every emotion.
Speaker 2:Come on. Even well, and this is weird, but even shame, shame is an emotion that we feel. In in Christian circles, shame is, like, oh, that's not of God and and all this stuff, but, I mean, honestly, I think there are positive things that can come from a sense of shame Yeah. Like, because we do something wrong, God's wanting to correct something within us, and I mean, it's just like if my arm got cut off and I felt no pain
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And had no response physically to it, that's a problem.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Like, if I stuck my hand in fire and Yeah. My hand didn't burn, the fact that I'm feeling something is a really good Mhmm. A good thing, but how that feeling leads to an action is the area that we get messed up.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Bring it all into balance.
Speaker 2:Let me share this. Just in in terms of self control, self regulation goes goes with self control and and self regulating is a skill that children learn how to live and react to problems and issues and trials that they face throughout their life. And and it's funny when a child is younger, their response to negative stimuli is to hide themselves from it and so it's it's kind of like if I'm scared, I'm closing my eyes. If I hear something bad, I'm closing my ears so I don't have to hear it.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And as you develop and grow, you learn that I don't just have to avoid every negative stimuli. I have to learn how to process and understand and overcome negative stimuli that that maybe a kid is a kid is facing because of the environment they live within. There may not be getting around some negative stimuli. You have to learn a coping mechanism. You have to learn how to deal with it.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And it's the same way in marriage. I have to learn well, and maybe this is too much, but it's like, Katie, like, there are some things that aren't going to change about Katie.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And am I willing to compromise or cope with those things? The things that I can't change about her that maybe rubbed me the wrong way, like, the okay. So
Speaker 3:Let's hear it.
Speaker 2:Let's hear it. For some reason, in my bathroom, all of my stuff has to be put away. Like, it has to has to go behind the mirror, has to go in the drawer, has to go under the the thingamajiggy. All of her stuff has free rein, like her toothbrush, her makeup, her all all of this stuff. Now, obviously, I'm showing my emotional response in the way that I'm talking.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Am I willing to cope with this, I mean, this truth, this fact that, really, my stuff is never going to have the same, staying power as her stuff within our restroom our our our restroom our bathroom? Or am I is this, like, a nonnegotiable for me? And am I just going to tirelessly fight for things that will never never happen, like my gel being left on the sink, my my mustache comb, like
Speaker 3:You need one of those.
Speaker 2:All of all of those things, like, I have to learn how to cope with that, and if I don't cope, my marriage is not gonna work out. Does that make
Speaker 3:sense? It does. Of all the examples, that is really not what I was expecting. But
Speaker 2:All this negative stimuli in my household is really crazy.
Speaker 3:No. But that makes sense because, like, even, I can think of a lot of examples with kids, where you just sometimes you just have to say, like, that is how it is. Like, I cannot change that for you, and that is not what a kid wants to hear from you. They came to and told you this thing that's bothering you bothering them because they want you to fix it. So it's not necessarily a comfort when the mentor says, I can't fix that, but it is a part of life.
Speaker 3:And so having those conversations, and being okay with telling your kid, I cannot fix that one for you, but I can, you know, be with you, help you learn how to cope with it. Let's come up with a strategy of how to just make it bother you less or, you know, just deal with it. That's something we can do.
Speaker 2:So you're hitting on because I see this all the time, if a kid shares an issue, the mentors first response is let me solve it for you. Totally. And what you're saying is there may be another way of looking at it to where I can help the kid process and cope with the issue they're facing or maybe help them problem solve
Speaker 3:Mhmm. In
Speaker 2:order to understand the issue or address it.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, one of those things may, in the short term, benefit the kid, which is you just solving the problem for them right then. But if you just ask them some questions in response and help them solve it for themselves, that's teaching them a skill that they can carry and build upon the rest of their lives to be able to, for themselves, fix the issue or figure out a way to be okay with the issue.
Speaker 2:So let's make it practical. What would you what would be your advice for my situation?
Speaker 3:I would focus on being grateful for your beautiful amazing wife, Katie. Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 2:You're so right. You're so right. Oh, man.
Speaker 3:And maybe, like, buy more aesthetic beauty products. So maybe they they look nicer if they're left out because that is a thing. Like, women's beauty products just look nicer. They're designed for for us.
Speaker 2:To be shown off.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. My hair gel is, like, green.
Speaker 3:It's like,
Speaker 2:what in the world is that? That makes perfect sense. Thank you.
Speaker 3:You're welcome.
Speaker 2:That's a very good strategy to help me cope and change. So it's exactly what I wanted. So really, the benefits of emotional activities are helping a kid develop emotional intelligence, which really what we mean by that is that you're helping them be aware, you're helping them understand, you're helping them in their ability to express and manage their own emotions. And so in in a way, just as the the Holy Spirit is the fruit of the spirit is self control, a mentor's a mentor really helps. If they're doing emotional activities that promote emotional intelligence, they're helping a child gain self control.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. So I love that. We've kinda talked about it, but problem solving is something that kids learn rather than focusing on the negative stimuli and how can I avoid it? Kids move as they develop into problem solving mode of, like, okay. How can I address the issue that I'm facing?
Speaker 2:And so, really, if you help a child under or have emotional health, they'll be able to problem solve better. Mhmm. But let's let's move to the barriers, barriers to emotional health and barriers to emotional activities in general. So what's what's your thought? What's a barrier?
Speaker 3:My first thought is if I'm mentoring a kid, their greatest barrier in our relationship for them developing emotionally is my availability to process my own emotional health. So the limit to which I will dive into that for myself is setting the limit for them to even be able to process that with me. Because, like, what I don't wanna explore, they don't have an invitation to explore. So I am the lid.
Speaker 2:So if you're not emotionally aware Right. If you're not emotionally intelligent, what chance do they have Right. To receive emotional help from you?
Speaker 3:Right. Because even if they wanted to have those conversations, if I shut it down or I just don't even maybe it's not that I want to run away from it, but I literally have never spent the time to think about that for myself. I have nothing to give to them, so it's important to to work on that in myself first.
Speaker 2:I'll say from a male perspective, emotional conversations are the most difficult. I would much rather go play basketball than talk about someone's heart.
Speaker 3:Totally.
Speaker 2:And so and I was talking to Zach about this the other day. It's like, really, if you're a kid from a hard place, probably one of the greatest things you'd need is someone to help process your emotions and your experience if you've had adverse childhood experiences.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so it's like the thing a kid needs most is the thing that's hardest for me to do as a mentor, and that's a huge barrier
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If I'm unwilling to do what's hard.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well and their research has shown that boys in particular, it is hard, especially if it's a face to face conversation. That is not something that anybody in that room wants to just talk about emotions, so doing an activity together while intentionally talking about an emotional conversation is, like, the recommended route for that.
Speaker 2:It's awesome. We were talking about a barrier is just practically Maslow's hierarchy of needs. They're really a a kid from a hard place is more focused on survival than emotionally connecting with those around them. And so when it when it comes to emotional health, that is low on the priority list if you have a lot of other issues going on in your life.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Though, possibly, having emotional health would promote your ability to respond and cope and problem solve with the other issues that you're facing, and so that's that's really difficult.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's kinda like I just picture this might be a terrible example, but I'm I'm picturing, like, if if I were out in the ocean and I'm drowning and my doctor runs up and he's like, oh, hey. By the way, you have cancer. We gotta get this we gotta operate on this. And I'm like, yeah.
Speaker 3:That's great, but, like, right now I'm actually drowning. So let's focus on getting me out of this water and then we'll tackle that huge issue over there.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:So that's kind of what I think of with that.
Speaker 2:We already mentioned this next one, but just the focus in childhood development, a barrier can be just what are we prioritizing. And so in the school, it may be academic achievement. In the home, it may be good manners in some kind of, like, physical thing that you can see, like, will you fall in line? And something we say a lot around these parts is, like, recognizing the needs behind the deeds. And the the emotional side of it is, like, the the barrier is the deeds that we see, the things that kids are doing, really, there's an emotional response underneath that.
Speaker 2:It's, like, the reason for why they're doing what they're doing.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And if we're not willing to dig deeper and see that, then we're we're not helping them address the actual issue. Yeah. We're just addressing the symptoms.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well, just in general, like, with anything, it's it's easier to fix problems that are concrete, that are just right there in your face. Like, if a kid is failing, there's an f on the report card. It's really easy to see right there. But with emotional things, sometimes it's a little more abstract, and it's harder to quantify.
Speaker 3:It's harder to wrap your head around what does success even look like for this. I don't even know the next step of a practical way to get them from here to there, so it's, like, it's just a little more difficult without intentional thought than just telling a kid, okay, we're going to tutoring next week. That's what we're doing. And then the next week, you gotta be on the test, and I'm satisfied with that. So that's a little simpler.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's, like, it's hard to to track emotional things. Yeah. And and it I mean, it's kinda like doing ministry. It's really hard to track people, like, in their their progress because people are so complicated, and I think emotion emotional lives are complicated.
Speaker 2:Like, you don't arrive
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:In any of this. It's all skills that you grow in. We're going to fail. I'm gonna have an emotional response that's negative
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Tomorrow or possibly during this conversation. And and I I think that that makes it difficult Mhmm. Like, because it's not just blanket, okay, we learned how to change a tire Yeah. Now you always know how to change a tire. It's we're in the process.
Speaker 2:This is the place where
Speaker 3:Yeah. And it requires, like, constant maintenance
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Versus it being a one and done. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, Tom Hanks, cast away, him being alone by himself on an a godforsaken island because his FedEx plane, like, crashed, praying for you FedEx, he loses his mind because in a way, he's not able to interact and emotionally connect with anyone, and there's an atrophy that happens if we're not constantly working to be growing emotionally. So that's a very weird illustration, but eventually, people are gonna I mean
Speaker 3:I mean, it's kinda relevant with, like, COVID and all the isolation. There's, you know, more emphasis. All of a sudden, people are realizing how important relationships are and emotional, like, oh, wow. I am much more emotionally unhealthy than I realized because all of a sudden this relationship's gone, and boom. All this is in my face.
Speaker 3:I'm dealing with it by myself. So it is kind of relevant.
Speaker 2:That That was a better example. Okay. Let's talk about practicals. So aside aside from watching Titanic and, making your mentee cry, what are some practicals that we could do, Beth?
Speaker 3:I never approved making your mentee cry. That's on Steven. I am not attaching my name to that. I'm just saying.
Speaker 2:Well, I I think that the easiest practical and, honestly, this is intuitive for for most people. Like, you know the question that someone asks you when you haven't seen them, like, in a day? You're, like, how are you doing? Mhmm. I mean, very trivial question
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If you're not actually wanting to know how someone is doing. But asking that question could be a great starting place for a mentor. And so one of the things that we focus on is checking in. And so, a great place to start for a mentor wanting a practical way to emotionally engage with their mentee is to check-in with them. What do I mean by check-in?
Speaker 2:I mean, since you last saw them, how can you reconnect and show that you want to know what's been going on with their life since you last saw them? So this is a useful structure. It's just three things. Reconnect with your student after you you spend time apart from your mentee. Reconnect with them.
Speaker 2:How do you do that? Ask them questions. Try to learn what's going on in their life and what's going on in their mind.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so that could be like, hey. Well, what what did you learn at school, or how's it going at home? And, obviously, some of those questions you'll realize that real quick when you're talking to a kid, they really love yes or no questions because they can get out of talking. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 2:so you have to be very careful in how you word questions. I don't I don't know if you've experienced that, Beth.
Speaker 3:Oh, yeah. I usually find myself having to, like, reword the question, like, 5 times before I get a real answer. So, like, if somebody if I ask them, how are you doing? I'm gonna get good every time and because that's where they wanna leave the conversation, and so I have to ask, well, tell me what is good about school, and then tell me what's been hard about school. So just breaking it down.
Speaker 2:How, I mean, how many questions rephrased how many questions can you rephrase before you get discouraged, Beth?
Speaker 3:Before like, personally?
Speaker 2:Yes. So, like, you're digging, like, trying to care. You're like, child, I'm trying to care about you. Help me out. Like, when when do you get discouraged?
Speaker 2:How many questions do you have to rephrase before you're you just give up?
Speaker 3:I I probably will ask I wanna say my average is, like, 6 questions. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't think we,
Speaker 2:That sounds amazing to me.
Speaker 3:But I probably will ask around 5 or 6. And then after that, I'll be like, well, I love to hear about what's going on in your world. So if you wanna tell me more about it, you know where I'm at.
Speaker 2:I think that's a great practical because more often than not, because the emotional conversation is the most difficult Mhmm. I think a lot of the times we'll just take their word for it. It's like, you said good. So we talked about our emotions, like Yeah. But the the act of digging deeper, like, what's an additional question?
Speaker 2:Like, how could you dig deeper and help them articulate what's going on? Because that's giving them reps in that the practice of recognizing their emotional life. And so I I would say if you're asking 6 questions, that's that's pretty awesome. I I would recommend
Speaker 3:invasive. I don't know. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:Well yeah. I guess that that is something to, like, recognize as, like, what is helping the kid recognize when we care versus what makes them feel safe. It's, like, we can't be overly invasive Yeah. And, like, force ourselves. It it's, like, there's a door.
Speaker 2:Yeah. The kid can let us in or not. But if we knock the door down, it's gonna be really hard for us to build trust. And just, like, is it about me or is it about them?
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I think that's probably a a better question to ask. Yeah. Am I trying to figure out what's going on in your life because I need to know?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Or am I trying to help you discover how you're how you're feeling and help you process your day?
Speaker 3:My hope at the end of any of those conversations is not that every single time I ask a kid those questions that I'm gonna get an answer that day that's really impactful. I'm, like, wow. This is so good. We're getting somewhere. But at least that kid knows that I will stop for him and ask him those questions, and so there will eventually be a day that if you keep doing this with your mentee, that they are gonna want you to ask those questions.
Speaker 3:They're gonna need you to ask those questions. And if you do it consistently, it gives them the opportunity to have a way into a conversation they really need to have without them having to be the brave one to bring it up. So, really, I think of it as, like, hey. If if I get shut down 6 times, that's okay. Because one day, I'm gonna be on question 3, and they're gonna share something that they really needed to share.
Speaker 3:And they were like, man, I hope best stops me today and ask me how me how I'm doing because I'm not okay, and I need to talk to somebody about it.
Speaker 2:And adults need that.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We need people in our lives asking those questions, showing that they care, and opening up the opportunity for us to share things that maybe we don't have the courage or feel like sharing
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And need that push. So I I mean, I think that's really powerful, Beth. So what do you what do you ask them about? You can ask them about school. You can ask them about home.
Speaker 2:You can ask them I mean, our favorite thing here is highs and lows. So do you remember that Bailey story with King?
Speaker 3:Yes. Well, if it's the one you're talking about, but I know there's a kid in our program who one day he came in, and his coach didn't do their usual, which is highs and lows, as soon as he comes in. And so he said to her, like, hey, you didn't do the high and low today. You didn't ask me how my day was. And she didn't realize until he said that how much that meant to him because he never really it wasn't, like, a huge thing.
Speaker 3:Like, he did never engage, and it was this beautiful, like, moment, but it was just simple things. And so to her, it was just kind of something she's doing to try and be a good coach, and she didn't realize how impactful it was until she didn't do it, and he missed it. I
Speaker 2:I thought that that story was, like, so compelling of the feeling that we don't recognize what's really impactful for kids
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because they're not necessarily going to tell you how meaningful it is.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And the the things that seem most menial and unproductive tend to be the things that are most powerful in in a kid's life that we'll never get feedback about. Yeah. Like playing, like we just talked about last episode, but also here, like, giving kids opportunities to open up.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:So, I I mean, I like I like to focus on highs and lows because we there's a comparison between things that are going well versus things that are not going well. Yeah. And that could be an environment thing. It could be a personal thing, like, how they're feeling. But I I think even just that contrast really helps a child understand the world better Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Of, like, not everything is wrong Mhmm. With the world, but also not everything's great, but both of those are true. Mhmm. Like, there are there's good and there's bad. And just that that concept of helping a kid process that every time you meet with them will incorporate Thanksgiving as well as help them feel not alone
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Within the things they've experienced that are negative. Like, the the guy the brain guy I talked to, Jim Wilder, he was like, the the primary indicator of trauma is a negative experience that you feel like only you know about, like, that only you experienced that you'd you feel alone within. And so if you're asking a kid his highs and lows, more often than not, he's going to be able to share the negative experience he's had, and that will lead him to feel like he's not alone.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. That's also a really easy opportunity for you to share your highs and lows with the kid too and even just, like, stop right then and pray for those things and ask your kid to pray for your lows. So that's just a really easy thing to build into your relationship as a routine.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Another practical on this is, like, just honing in on specific things, and maybe the practical is just digging deeper. Don't just take their answer and move on. Like, how could you dig into something they said and have them rephrase it? Or, Zach says this all the time.
Speaker 2:He said, tell me more about that. Yeah. That is a great question to ask a kid and that will help them develop emotionally. Mhmm. Because when you ask that question, a kid's having to dig deeper within himself and imagine and understand himself in a deeper way.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And they may not have an answer, but just the fact that you asked that question helps them grow the muscle of understanding themselves.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so that's the power of the emotional activity is that you're allowing them to think in a different way than they've had to before. Mhmm. Real quick on this. If you're mentoring a kid, who are the people in his life asking him emotional questions? Ask yourself that question.
Speaker 2:Who is asking your mentee about his highs and his lows? Possibly is his mom. Mhmm. Hopefully, his teacher. Can you think of anyone else in this kid's life that that would be asking him emotional questions?
Speaker 2:And so the benefit of you asking them emotional questions, you may be doubling how many people in their life care about them emotionally
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:By by by helping them in this way. So I I think that's a powerful, like, encouragement for us to do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And a kid is not gonna know that there's value in that until it's taught that that is a valuable thing to spend time on, and so just by you using some of your time, that's limited time together to talk about that, that communicates to him, this is worth my time. Hearing about your hard day is worth my time.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I I had a a moment with Tyree last year where he shared something difficult he was going through, and I asked him, how did that make you feel? And he he just said something like, oh, it it hurt, like, it hurt. Mhmm. And I was like, wow.
Speaker 2:And we are praying at church. We do a church service at our mentoring program, and one of our other boys shared something difficult he had gone through and Tyre spoke up and he just said, how did that make you feel? Mhmm. Yeah. And, like, Tyre may not have, like, in asking that thought very much about what he was saying, but in asking it, I I think it it showed me, like, if you emotionally engage with a child, they'll begin to emotionally engage with others
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:In ways that they haven't before.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Yeah. That was something I thought about when you were asking who is asking these questions to our mentees is I they are not asking that among their friends, but that's like they should. But who's gonna teach them how to do that?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well, I'm I mean, honestly, we wanna keep this as simple as possible. That is your practical. How are you checking in with your kid and developing this skill? And if you're not doing it, who who is in this kid's life?
Speaker 2:So understand your role in helping them grow in emotional health. And it it doesn't have to be highs and lows even though that's really simple. It could be what's good, what's bad, what's funny. Like, just make it creative, but try and figure out how to help your mentee distill the things that he's feeling, the things he's experiencing. And that process of practicing, explaining, and understanding thoughts, emotions, feelings, I I think is incredibly powerful for a kid and it and helps set them up for success in life.
Speaker 3:That's good.
Speaker 2:Any other thoughts, Beth?
Speaker 3:Just lean in. Keep asking the questions and embrace the awkward silences.
Speaker 2:Like that one?
Speaker 3:I wasn't gonna be the first. I was just gonna let it sit.
Speaker 2:Oh, thanks for listening to the podcast. Keep the encouragements coming for Beth Winter on just her her host abilities, and just really appreciate you mentors. We wanna be an encouragement to you. Our next episode is going to be about spiritual activities to do with your mentees. So mentoring activities that increase their spiritual health.
Speaker 2:So we hope you listen to that. If you enjoyed today's podcast, share it with a friend or with your mom. We don't discriminate against Moms? Moms. But, yeah, thanks for listening.