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Art of Spousing is for marriages that what to move from being mundane to becoming masterpiece relationships. Hosts James and Lisa Duvall share truths and lessons learned from their 30 years of marriage and over a decade of teaching, coaching, and speaking on marriage.
Podcast: Art Of Spousing
Episode Title: 10 Ways To Avoid Misunderstandings With Your Spouse!
Host(s): James and Lisa Duvall
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Lisa (Host) | 00:00:00 to 00:00:19
One of the best ways to approach misunderstandings, I believe, is to normalize it in a marriage relationship. So it's completely normal to have misunderstandings. You should know that confusion, miscommunication, misinterpretation, error, or wrong inflection in the Voice are all a part of a normal, healthy, growing relationship.
Lisa (Host) | 00:00:21 to 00:00:30
Welcome to the Artist Housing Podcast. Thank you so much for taking time. Time to listen. Today we're excited about the content we want to share with you. We believe it's going to be helpful to your marriage practice.
James (Host) | 00:00:30 to 00:00:55
Yeah. If you're new or newer to the show, we want you to know that the reason we do this podcast is because we believe that every marriage, including your marriage, can move from mundane to masterpiece level. But we also know personally that a work of art doesn't just appear, it requires intent and practice to be crafted in shape. So our goal with every episode is to give you the tools to practice that will help your relationship not just survive, but also thrive. That's right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:00:55 to 00:01:05
We are Empty Nesters for four full days. That's right. I'm so excited for Addie. Right. I want to be clear, we love our kids, excited for our season.
Lisa (Host) | 00:01:05 to 00:01:16
It was a great send off to little ads, mixed feelings. But all in all, we're embracing this new season.
James (Host) |
That's right. We just helped our youngest daughter Addie move into her college dorm this past Friday. Tears.
Lisa (Host) | 00:01:16 to 00:01:31
Did you have tears, James?
James (Host) |
Yes, I little heart inside. Yeah, I well, I don't actually cry, so there's quite some welling, your sunglasses served you well. That's right. So and although we're pumped to be Empty Nesters, we really are. It's kind of sad that a season of our marriage has actually ended. But onto the adventure ahead, right?
Lisa (Host) | 00:01:31 to 00:01:49
That's right. We want to let you know that we're making a change in when we release new episodes. This is kind of big news because over the last month or so, god has been opening some new opportunities for us to step into.
Lisa (Host) | 00:01:49 to 00:02:10
And we can't share the details yet, but we promise over the next few months we will let you know. But knowing there's only so much bandwidth available to the two of us that's right. We're going to make the move from dropping new episodes every week to starting to release them every other week. So after today's episode, our next episode will be in two weeks. That's right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:02:10 to 00:02:25
So I appreciate that. We're probably going to have a podcast on what we say yes to and what we say no to and making space and margin in our life. This is a great example of that. That's right. Kudos to us for listening to what we need, setting some priority.
Lisa (Host) | 00:02:25 to 00:02:53
Yeah, that's right. We appreciate you understanding and the support of the Art of spousing community as we take on these new projects. So there's several topics in marriage that are always going to be a point of conversation, point of tension and an opportunity for growth. So today we're going to be talking about misunderstandings, and I think those are one of the most common challenges they're threaded throughout our marriage journey. So year one and beyond, there are new levels of continued learning to build on.
Lisa (Host) | 00:02:54 to 00:03:22
Misunderstandings can be over the smallest things and can cause the biggest problems, but they really disrupt the overall atmosphere of our marriage, even if it's small, bringing about real tensions that, if not processed, can pile up and erode communication and joy. Yeah, that's really so true. And we see that in a lot of relationships and we've experienced ourselves. Misunderstandings are defined as the failure to interpret or understand something correctly. I think you should repeat that.
Lisa (Host) | 00:03:22 to 00:03:39
That is really good. Yeah. Misunderstandings are defined as the failure to interpret or understand something correctly. Yeah. So we want to spend today's podcast on getting in front of these misses in communication with some practical ways to avoid misunderstandings and therefore strengthening your marriage.
Lisa (Host) | 00:03:39 to 00:04:24
Before we go there, we want to make sure you know about the marriage reboot. This is a two day intensive with Lisa and I, where we focus on defining the purpose and vision for your marriage. It's an amazing process that we love taking couples through and designed to bring clarity and breakthrough to every aspect of your marriage. We cover it all, and together we will craft plans for each aspect, and we'll create a solid framework that will help you manage and continually renew your marriage in the future. During this private two day experience, you and your spouse will have our undivided attention as your dedicated marriage coaches, we will guide you through a journey of reflection, helping you identify where you've been, define where you are now, and discover where you want to go together.
Lisa (Host) | 00:04:24 to 00:04:52
This reboot is designed for marriages in all stages, and we know it'll make a huge difference in your marriage. You can find out more about the reboot at www.artthespousing.com marriagecoaching. You can also message us on instagram, and we'll send you a link to schedule a 30 minutes call with Lisa and I to hear more about the reboot. Okay, James. One of the best ways to approach misunderstandings, I believe, is to normalize it in a marriage relationship.
Lisa (Host) | 00:04:52 to 00:05:12
So it's completely normal to have misunderstandings. You should know that confusion, miscommunication, misinterpretation, error, or wrong inflection in the voice are all a part of a normal, healthy, growing relationship. So everybody take a deep breath. It's all good. The unhealthy part is to not discuss it or address it.
Lisa (Host) | 00:05:12 to 00:05:36
Hitting rinse and repeat cycle over and over and circling the same thing. So getting a strategy around them and having a discussion around the typical trip up patterns in your marriage is the best way to minimize this type of mishap. Yeah. As I think over our years of marriage, there are some usual suspects that cause misunderstandings. When kids are added to the family, we often found ourselves interrupted.
Lisa (Host) | 00:05:37 to 00:06:00
Selfishness, distorts the reality of a situation, disrupting the ability to be objective, the busyness with schedules, or simply the lack of time to communicate all can cause misunderstandings. Absolutely. So as we set up this conversation today, I like to establish two types of misunderstandings. The first is the speaker is not aware they are being misunderstood. Right?
Lisa (Host) | 00:06:00 to 00:06:14
Right. The second is that the listener is unaware. They are not understanding what is intended. Correct. And when those two things happen, or one of those two things happen, or both of them happen at the same time, there's a lot of misunderstanding.
Lisa (Host) | 00:06:14 to 00:06:31
And I believe this is foundational as we approach this podcast, because it defines the responsibility, actually for both the husband and the wife, whether you're the speaker or you're the listener. And that can flip back and forth. There's responsibility on both sides. Right. And we can be on either side of this.
Lisa (Host) | 00:06:31 to 00:06:46
Right. So being able to identify if you are the speaker or the listener is important. So let's jump into ten ways that you can avoid misunderstandings. I can't believe we're going to do ten things and try to get this time frame, but we're going to talk about ten ways you can avoid misunderstandings. You know what?
Lisa (Host) | 00:06:46 to 00:06:57
We're going to be brief and brilliant and then be gone. That's right. So the first one is seek to understand before being understood. This concept has been around a minute, so it's not our original idea. Right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:06:57 to 00:07:25
Stephen Covey talks about this in his book seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And it's a great thing to keep in mind. The big idea is often we are listening so that we can respond, or we're ready to interject our context, or we're ready to interject our side instead of listening to understand. I know this in theory, but I don't always practice this type of listening. Often we find ourselves in a situation where we're listening, gathering information just so that we can respond.
Lisa (Host) | 00:07:25 to 00:07:35
And it may be well intended, but we're actually not listening to the other person. Yeah. It really requires restraint in interrupting or jumping to conclusions, but allowing the person to finish a thought. Right. What?
Lisa (Host) | 00:07:35 to 00:08:00
No, I was trying to we want to let them finish a thought before responding and being curious. We want to ask questions for clarification on details, but more importantly, questions to learn more about how they felt or they feel. Right. Good. So let's jump to the second way of avoiding misunderstandings, that is to use I statements instead of you statements.
Lisa (Host) | 00:08:00 to 00:08:27
I statements help not to escalate the misunderstanding. Additionally, it positions the two of you in a place of forward progress and true understanding. Yeah. So instead of saying, James, you minimize my feelings, I could say something like, when we talk about things that are sensitive to me, I feel like you move on quickly and I leave feeling my emotions are silly. So that gives more context to what it is and unpacks.
Lisa (Host) | 00:08:27 to 00:08:42
It better than saying you minimize my feelings. If I were to use you statements, it puts me in a place of judging your motives, which I actually no one but God can judge motives. Right. And a place of accusation. This also positions you in a place of defensiveness.
Lisa (Host) | 00:08:42 to 00:09:04
So we're going to circle the wagon on this. If I go in that direction on the other hand, when I use the other approach, it positions us for dialogue and opportunity for growth, learning and understanding of each other. That's really great. The third way that we can avoid misunderstandings is to speak calmly and clearly. You do a great job of this.
Lisa (Host) | 00:09:04 to 00:09:19
We can easily I'm growing, I'm growing. No, I understand. He's an I statement. We can easily get on what we call the crazy dance. Throwing us into this infinity loop, acting and reacting with no stopping.
Lisa (Host) | 00:09:20 to 00:09:35
Right. Speaking calmly is a great way to end the crazy dance. Literally. Breathe deeply, gather your emotions and thoughts so that you can speak clearly. Our words can be implicit or explicit.
Lisa (Host) | 00:09:35 to 00:10:00
Implicit means they implied but not plainly expressed versus explicit stated clearly and in detail leaving no room for confusion or doubt. It's said that all ambiguity is interpreted as negative. So you want to be specific, clear and calm. Be mindful to not generalize, but give an example that is more benign. Yes.
Lisa (Host) | 00:10:00 to 00:10:16
So if I see a pattern in our communication or misunderstanding, I wait until I find the most benign illustration of that instead of a highly hot topic that I know is going to cause us to get on that crazy dance. Right. So I'll speak for myself here. Clearly. I'm a verbal processor.
Lisa (Host) | 00:10:16 to 00:10:43
I have lots of words and can have the tendency to use broad generalizations. So in an effort to be specific and straightforward, I will try to identify, like I said, a not so emotional example to highlight. So it keeps the point concise and clear. If God is good, he will deliver an example that speaks to the sensitive area in my life. And he usually, actually always does and I laugh, but I'm really serious.
Lisa (Host) | 00:10:43 to 00:11:06
I think he's interested in us having unity. And so when I'm trying to approach that, he will bring about examples and help me calm down. But it does require me to think through, calm down, think about my thoughts and the best time and the best way to approach it. Right. Sometimes just pausing, taking a breath and not being heated or not being upset and just allowing your emotions to calm is a big thing.
Lisa (Host) | 00:11:07 to 00:11:17
Yeah. Because I normally am not quiet. I will even let you know in that moment that I'm not mad. Because if I'm quiet, you're probably thinking what's wrong with you, Lisa? Because that's not normal.
Lisa (Host) | 00:11:17 to 00:11:26
I may say something in that moment like I'm gathering my thoughts and I want to go about this. Right. And you totally respect. Okay. Number four.
Lisa (Host) | 00:11:26 to 00:11:52
To avoid misunderstandings, be mindful around text message communication. Unless they're the cool little emojis that say they would have to be all happy emojis. Well, that couldn't be true because then that could actually cause problems. Be careful. Written communication to resolve misunderstandings or speak to misunderstandings is not the best way to approach confusion unless it's just completely functional.
Lisa (Host) | 00:11:52 to 00:12:17
Like meet me at their restaurant at 06:00 p.m.. But not around things that are kind of ambiguous. We often follow the rule that text message are for functional purposes and not communications around feelings. So function, not feelings. So an example would be if you're in the middle of a miscommunication and you're not together and you have the desire to text, I would say something like I'm sorry for this misunderstanding.
Lisa (Host) | 00:12:18 to 00:12:26
I would love to process this more when we are in person so it wouldn't increase confusion. Right. Simple statement. I'm going to address it, but this isn't the place. Right?
Lisa (Host) | 00:12:26 to 00:12:33
Yeah. A couple of things about text communication too, is that it can also be misleading in context or attitude. Right. Because you don't feel that. Right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:12:33 to 00:12:59
So there's this negative bias surrounding text communication. When there's no instant reply to text messaging, I text you and then it's 4 hours later. Right. It could feel insulted or something might be wrong. But the reality is it might be that one of the two of you were just called into a meeting, you weren't able to answer the text message using emojis or a lack thereof or something as simple as offering that's great or fantastic versus, okay, that's right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:12:59 to 00:13:20
Well, this is where I'm talking about using a lot of emojis. Seems a little manipulative. If they're all positive, it feels like it's being sarcastic. So that's when I mentioned at the top of this about using emojis, even if they're good ones, you want to use them sparingly and light, but if you don't know how, then you should just use words like you said, that's fantastic. Awesome.
Lisa (Host) | 00:13:21 to 00:13:36
So be careful with text messaging or written communication when you're trying to communicate because it's definitely an opportunity for misunderstanding. Absolutely. So, fifth way to avoid misunderstandings is to say no to BCD. That's right. I love this.
Lisa (Host) | 00:13:36 to 00:13:45
BCD is a fun TLA, right? I love TLAs. You do love TLAs. Three letter acronyms. Just so you know.
Lisa (Host) | 00:13:45 to 00:14:08
All people know, all listeners know. Your TLAs make me crazy. So BCD means avoiding the compulsion to blame, complain, or defend in our flesh. We will fall into this well worn groove without effort. And any misunderstanding requires the courage to own your part in the misunderstanding and offer a way to move forward to avoid it happening again in the future.
Lisa (Host) | 00:14:08 to 00:14:44
Right? That's right. And so for the spouse who owns it, if I'm owning it, it's important, James, for you to receive it, acknowledge it, but not bring it back up to me in future conversations because that's going to shut down me owning it. I was just working with a wife the other day and she is afraid to own things because he brings it back up. And so it's very important as you're building these skills around, these practices around avoiding misunderstandings, is that when your spouse owns it, allow them to own it and don't bring it back up, especially if you want to grow and build.
Lisa (Host) | 00:14:44 to 00:14:50
Right. So don't blame the other person. You did it someone else. Don't complain. Right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:14:50 to 00:15:02
Like, well, I just don't have the help or whatever. And don't defend. Don't make an excuse for something that maybe you're responsible for that's. Right. Can I give one thing about the defend?
Lisa (Host) | 00:15:02 to 00:15:28
Because I do feel like there's sometimes we need to give context, but I still would listen to the whole thing completely. And I may have to revisit later of like, I would love to give you context of how that happened and or in the moment I may ask or we may ask one another, is it okay if I give a little bit of context around that decision? But it still is a very sensitive thing to do. But there are times that you should give context. Yeah, I always talk with team members.
Lisa (Host) | 00:15:28 to 00:15:34
There's a difference between an excuse and an explanation. Right. Look at that. Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
Lisa (Host) | 00:15:34 to 00:15:54
Okay, moving on. The 6th way to avoid misunderstanding is by bringing clarity around your schedule. Oh, man. Your calendar can be a major issue, misunderstanding, right. Dinner dates, soccer games, time commitments have been a source of many misunderstandings in marriage relationship.
Lisa (Host) | 00:15:54 to 00:16:26
There are some simple common tools that you can use to support clarity of schedules and stacking hands in agreement. They're free and easy. It's a Google calendar or some type of shared calendar and it can even be hard. Copy whatever you need to get on the same page and a glance ahead at the top of the week to firm up commitments and time. So come Sunday, you and I are looking at the week ahead, we're looking at evenings, and we're confirming that our calendar matches and what time we're leaving, if there's any kind of are we riding together?
Lisa (Host) | 00:16:26 to 00:16:48
All those things to eliminate that kind of misunderstanding. This is difficult for those of you who are not oriented to scheduling. We have just met with two enneagram sevens, right. And they do not like schedules or restraint. And so they're going to lean into this and one of their action items come out of the reboot was to go find a paper calendar to put on the refrigerator so they could know what was going on.
Lisa (Host) | 00:16:48 to 00:16:59
What is going on? Yes. But then we gave them the freedom. You can change it. You're allowed to change it, but you at least need to have it down so that you know what's going on.
Lisa (Host) | 00:16:59 to 00:17:20
We'd encourage you, if you're like, this is to come halfway, especially if it's a pain point of misunderstanding, because this is the deal. If the misunderstanding is greater than the joy of your carefree calendar, get a calendar. That's right. Yeah. The 7th way to avoid misunderstanding is mind your body language.
Lisa (Host) | 00:17:20 to 00:17:30
This is a big one. Yes. Any confessions, James? No. Okay, so take inventory of your stance of your body as a misunderstanding.
Lisa (Host) | 00:17:32 to 00:17:48
So take inventory of the stance of your body as the misunderstanding is taking place. So you're in misunderstanding. Evaluate your face, your arms, your shoulders. Your body is your footstepping back. You want to evaluate all of this.
Lisa (Host) | 00:17:48 to 00:17:59
Be sure to engage with eye contact and focus. Phones are down. Apple Watch isn't coming up and checking it out. There's no text message that's more important than this eye lock. Yeah.
Lisa (Host) | 00:17:59 to 00:18:23
I actually just finished a book called Cues that has all to do about how we cue each other through our body language. Can you put that in the show Notes? I will. It's a great book, and it talks about warm cues and competent cues and things that are like danger zones, things you shouldn't do. I remember recently we were working with one couple, and our first interaction with them, every time one of them spoke, the other one rolled their eyes.
Lisa (Host) | 00:18:23 to 00:18:40
It's just like oh, okay. That could be a problem for communication. Yes. If the spouse is seeing that and it's going to cause miscommunication, this spoke something beyond what the words were saying. So with the mind of body language, the other thing is some of this comes more natural to people than other people, so it's okay.
Lisa (Host) | 00:18:40 to 00:19:10
But that book really would be helpful for you if you are the person, the spouse, who doesn't realize that you're sending messages in this way. Right. So the 8th way to avoid miscommunications is a tool that we've taught on before called The Five Gears, and we encourage you to go back and listen to this episode. We'll put the episode in the show Notes. Basically, there's kind of five mindsets that we can be in as individuals, whether that's like kind of focus mode or multitasking mode, connect gear or the intimacy gear or recharge gear.
Lisa (Host) | 00:19:10 to 00:19:29
Right, right. And if we're not in the same gear trying to communicate, we can be grinding gears and cause misunderstanding and not really be able to connect with one another. This is a huge tool. And again, encourage you to go in the Show notes. We're going to put that episode in there so you can go back and listen to it because this will really change your communication.
Lisa (Host) | 00:19:29 to 00:19:50
And one of the hardest gears is really the reverse gear. Right, right. Being able to go back when you've blown it or you've said something wrong or miscommunicated and say, hey, I'm sorry, that's a hard gear, but it's being able to get in that gear at the right time to make communication work. That's right. So we have two last ways to avoid misunderstanding.
Lisa (Host) | 00:19:50 to 00:19:56
I'm going to give them to you pretty quick. James, are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. Number nine is practice patience.
Lisa (Host) | 00:19:56 to 00:20:14
Just be patient as you're learning to navigate through misunderstandings. Give grace, don't rush or force people to respond, either of you to respond immediately because it can lead to further misunderstandings. This is why in patience, you can practice the pause. You can always say, can I circle back around? That's right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:20:14 to 00:20:34
And can we discuss this later so that you both have time to gain composure? And the last number ten is the MacDaddy of all of them that's right. Is pray together. Our founding pastor at our church always said it's hard to be in conflict with your spouse or it's hard to be mad at them when you pray with them. That's right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:20:34 to 00:20:51
And so you want to conclude your conversation of a misunderstanding or if actually you're going to table it and talk about it later, is just one of the two of you initiate? And women, don't be afraid to initiate and hold grudge that your husband should initiate. Right. And husbands, don't be irritated if your wife initiates. Right.
Lisa (Host) | 00:20:51 to 00:21:00
But one of the two of you just pray. And it could be simple. As God, you want us to be in unity. We need the power of the Holy Spirit to help us stay in unity. In Jesus name.
Lisa (Host) | 00:21:00 to 00:21:05
That's right. Please help us. Help us. So that's our ten. I love it.
Lisa (Host) | 00:21:05 to 00:21:26
So we love to hear your thoughts and answer questions you have about what we shared today. You can email us at hello@artistspousing.com or you can direct message us on Instagram at artistspousing. Thanks again for listening. If you found this episode helpful, please let friends know by sharing it with them. You can also help other people find the podcast by rating the podcast and leaving us a review.
Lisa (Host) | 00:21:26 to 00:21:43
You will not want to miss. The next podcast, we have Travis and Adele Graham of the Noble Marriage with us. We will be talking about how they overcame infidelity in their marriage and the devastating impact that pornography can cause in a marriage relationship. Now they have a beautiful relationship. It's going to be a great podcast.
Lisa (Host) | 00:21:43 to 00:21:51
They are amazing. You won't want to miss it. Yeah. So have a great week and we'll see you next time on the Artist bousing Podcast. Until then, bye.