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When we catch the shadow in action, it often speaks the language of blame. Today, we discuss the "outrageously uncomfortable" but essential technique of reclaiming agency by shifting our language from external causes to internal responsibility.
Key Highlights:
- The Pronoun Shift: Reclaim agency by changing the dialogue from "He/She/They did this" to "I did this to me" or "I caused this".
- The Myth of External Causation: While we don't choose negative events, our response to those adversities is where our agency—and our shadow—resides.
- Internalizing Causation: If the "I" shift is too abrupt, start by having an imagined, compassionate conversation with your "adversary" to begin re-internalizing the conflict.
- Today’s Work: Think of a situation where an external force became "the enemy." This is one of the richest places to begin slaying your internal dragons.
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- Tim Dedman
- Jorge
Creators and Guests
What is A Mason's Work?
In this show we discuss the practical applications of masonic symbolism and how the working tools can be used to better yourself, your family, your lodge, and your community. We help good freemasons become better men through honest self development. We talk quite a bit about mental health and men's issues related to emotional and intellectual growth as well.
[00:00] Welcome to a Mason's Work podcast where today we're slaying dragons.
[00:06] We talked over the course of the week about your shadow, your psychological shadow, where
[00:10] it comes from, a little bit about how to find it and all of that kind of thing.
[00:15] Today we're going to talk about what do you do when you finally catch it?
[00:20] How do we put this thing to bed?
[00:22] How do we make sure that the shadow no longer drives the bus?
[00:27] And all those mixed metaphors and analogies, that's just for you.
[00:34] So when this happens, when we find that our responses are disproportionate and we begin
[00:46] the process of looking for those places where we're effectively being driven as opposed to
[00:53] being the driver, you're going to notice some stuff.
[01:01] And apart from the discomfort, which is guaranteed, you will note that more often than not, the
[01:12] internal dialogue is framed in a language of blaming.
[01:18] It is her fault.
[01:23] It is he did this to me or the system has failed me.
[01:31] Whatever that language is, that projective language where he did it or she did it or they did it,
[01:42] the single greatest technique you have at your disposal is to change those pronouns from he, she, or they
[01:59] to I.
[02:03] I did this to me.
[02:06] I caused this problem.
[02:08] I am the reason this occurred.
[02:12] When we accept that responsibility, we begin to reclaim our agency.
[02:24] This is outrageously uncomfortable work.
[02:29] You're going to look at this and go, but it wasn't me.
[02:33] It was that person.
[02:34] This person did this to me.
[02:36] I didn't do this to me.
[02:38] It's.
[02:40] It's.
[02:41] I get it.
[02:44] I get it.
[02:45] Right.
[02:46] I want to understand.
[02:47] I want you to know I understand.
[02:48] I understand the desire to externalize causes.
[02:56] But everything that happens to you is by consent.
[03:00] Even the uncomfortable things.
[03:04] So let's talk about that a little bit.
[03:07] Let's dig into this because, uh, what your natural reaction might be is like, no, I didn't
[03:15] choose to, you know, have this sickness or I didn't choose to have this negative thing
[03:20] happen to me or I didn't choose.
[03:22] Or this to be this way.
[03:25] And, and that seems like a rational response.
[03:27] And, and I get it.
[03:29] You certainly did not choose for any of those things to happen.
[03:35] Young children don't choose to get sick.
[03:38] However, your response to those adversities is the cause.
[03:50] I was afraid of the consequences, for example, of, uh, telling someone I had lied to them or
[03:59] misled them.
[04:00] Um, so I have refused to accept responsibility for that and suggested that I had to do these
[04:10] things.
[04:10] I had to maybe not tell the truth or I had to behave in this manner because if I didn't
[04:18] dot, dot, dot.
[04:20] Now we're talking about everyone here.
[04:24] We're talking about in a generic sense, everyone's kind of process that they follow.
[04:29] And in doing that, it's going to seem like it doesn't apply to you.
[04:34] Uh, because again, your shadow really wants to stay in the shadow.
[04:40] So when you find that you are having a difficult time chasing that, you're, you keep pushing
[04:49] the causation out to the rest of the world or out to, uh, other people or what have you.
[04:56] Um, that's where the real work begins.
[04:59] And so, so how can you do that?
[05:01] How can we get that externalized causation back inside kind of where it belongs?
[05:08] It, if the pronoun shift is too abrupt, it's too difficult for you to do.
[05:13] Um, you might start by instead imagining you having a compassionate build conversation, a
[05:22] compassion filled conversation with that person.
[05:26] Start with, I know why you do this.
[05:30] And here's how I feel that dialoguing process with the imagined version of your adversary is
[05:42] the beginning of re-internalizing and changing the conversation from he did this, who we did
[05:50] this to I did this.
[05:53] And in doing that, you get to re-internalize and reclaim agency from the external world that
[06:01] you've projected it onto.
[06:03] We'll talk a little bit more about this tomorrow.
[06:05] Uh, but for now, think about someone, you know, or something that happened where this external
[06:14] force became essentially the enemy.
[06:18] Think about the things you don't like, or you hate even if you have that in your, in some
[06:26] way.
[06:27] And, and that's one of the richest places that you can go to start slaying the dragons internally
[06:34] in your, in your life.