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0:00:00
This is our summer wrap up y'all. Yes, we're excited. Hello summer. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. And thank you for not hitting 100 degrees yet. Yes, yeah. And I think today's session is a little bit of an unusual one in that it's impromptu. all things wellness and all things growth and we thought this would be a good conversation to share with our listeners. Absolutely, there were some
0:00:28
great gems that you already spoke and we all shared and we didn't get it on recording but I'm sure it's going to get to you to flow. Go hit the record button, we have to record this because this is life-changing. I know for me it is for sure. So those who are listening we really really really hope that you have some takeaways and some things that you can add to your life after this conversation.
0:00:51
Absolutely. So, you were sharing that the other day you decided to take a walk and that this was life-affirming. And a lot of people would think, a walk, life-affirming? And that just speaks to the conversation, the larger conversation we were having about reclaiming space for us and reclaiming space for you that so much of what we do is driven by the demands and the needs of someone else. You know, and can you share again what made you decide to take a walk? Do you not walk all the time?
0:01:23
Well, I used to, and I actually love all things nature, in particular, not walking, just hiking, and just involving myself in some forms of nature, so much more before I moved to Las Vegas. So I came from the East Coast and lived there for several years and I had a lot of nature trails and just engulfing myself in my local backyard, if you will, was very therapeutic for me. I remember I was speaking with a therapist some years ago and they talked about being planted and grounded. Sometimes they talked about, well, Alicia, when you're feeling very anxious or you're feeling overwhelmed, go outside, take your shoes off and try to find a grassy area, or even if it's dirt, but grassy area and plant your feet to the ground to get grounded. And that was the first time I had ever heard of that. I'm like, what? You know, she said it didn't matter if you were at work, you know, at home, etc., if you were having one of those moments. And so for me, and not necessarily not instead of taking medication or things of that nature, but she was trying to what I believe promote a more natural way of becoming more centered or de-escalating yourself, if you will. So I used to walk all the time just in the morning. It would be somewhat of my meditation time, somewhat of my way of jump-starting my day with a cup of coffee, if you will. Right. But when I moved to the desert area here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, which I love, I have tried to seek out other areas which, you know, is different than the East Coast. You have a lot of greenery. You have a lot of more walking trails. In this area, a lot of people are not doing a lot of walks, obviously, because it gets really hot out here. So that was my justification as to, hey, I can't do this, right? So with that became habits where I was just used to just going throughout my day from nine to five, you know, just plowing through and work, sometimes not even taking time for lunch and things of that nature. Fast forward, bring it up to as of yesterday, I made the decision. I said I get to choose and these are things I'm learning because most times I will fill my space up with a why I cannot do something and it becomes true. But if I change the pattern and say you know what or my acts and my thinking, my mindset, I can do. For example, I would say well you know what I have this a meeting I have this appointment and by the time I get done with this I'm not gonna have time to do. Well sure enough I would get through my day and I did not have time to do so. Yesterday I was sitting there and Nikki is in the studio with us and she can attest to this. You know she was like she came into the office and she checked in. I ate my lunch at my desk which I normally don't do but I have been doing more frequently within the last couple of weeks. So I ate my lunch and I said hmm it's a beautiful day outside and I hear a knock on the door here comes Nikki and Nikki says well Alicia what are you getting ready to do? I'm just kind of checking in before I leave the office. I said you know I think I'm going to take a walk and she kind of looked she was like huh okay she was like well enjoy your walk. I said yeah I think I'm just going to put this stuff down close up my little lunch pail and I'm going to walk down Academic Mall and come on back and for those who are listening this is on UNLV campus where it's somewhat shaded and it's the most greenery I believe that you can really see on campus you know because you have your trees and a lot of nature fills that area known as the academic mall. By the time I started walking, it was somewhat of just a presence of ease, relaxation. I could literally hear the birds chirping. I could hear them communicating. I could see them eating their foods. And for some, they may be like, okay, whatever, weird, no, not involved. But for me, it was like, I can inhale and I can exhale. I can breathe in that moment. Oh, as I'm talking about chills coming up my arm. But for me, it was also being intentional about taking care of me and for what works for me and what I need to be okay and to feel healthy emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is to engage in activities like that. Long story short, it was my first start of making a decision that I'm going to get back to things that feel me, that feed me, and that nurture me. And so, it may not be every day, but it's going to be intentionally throughout the week that I'm taking those walks and reconnecting and getting grounded.
0:05:29
You know, it's so funny. You've hit so many points that I had to my soul, my soul, my soul. So you talked about living with intention. Man, that is major. And you also touched on mindfulness, and you also touched on grounding. Like my, my psychologist heart is dancing right now.
0:05:50
This is your thing.
0:05:51
I do a lot of walking too. The benefit of living in Boulder City, a small town, is a very, very walkable city. So I'll put music on in my headphones, and I'll, I'll be like, I don't know, not disconnected, but I'll kind of be in my own world of my own creation, and I kind of, I'm able to center myself that way and work through my own like self-therapy that way too, so.
0:06:13
I love it.
0:06:14
Yeah.
0:06:15
I love it too. And thank you also for talking about what grounding is.
0:06:18
Yes, yes, yes.
0:06:19
It's like giving up the little synopsis. There you go.
0:06:21
You're the expert. I'm just trying to learn myself. Me too. I lost my therapist, I have to do my own therapy. That's what I'm doing.
0:06:28
You know what? And that's such a funny thing that you mention it. I feel like in this role, I know things. I've learned things. I've picked up knowledge and skills from school, but I'm not the expert on anyone's life. I don't have to live the life. My job is to share with you what I know so that you can live the life that you want. And whatever your definition of happiness is, and what looks good for you, in terms of your life. So I tell people, I'm not your, I'm not your guide, I'm your companion. I walk with you on your journey. And occasionally, I'll be like, Oh, did you see that hole?
0:07:01
It's like, you just have the experience of like, kind of knowing what to look for, and like appropriately reading below the surface.
0:07:11
You know, what I was thinking, too, is we have this conversation, mental health month was last month, if I'm not mistaken, right?
0:07:17
It's every month.
0:07:18
Yeah, it's every day, man.
0:07:19
These conversations should happen. And I don't know why mental health has such a stigma, you know, like not positive stigma behind it, but I'm glad that conversations like this, it's just amazing to me because we spend so much time on physical, you know, wellbeing, you know, you need to go get your physical checkup and you need to go do this but we're a total being and your mental health is so important because I feel like when you're mentally healthy and nourished in good places, everything else follows that. But you know everything else follows that but for whatever reason I personally just and maybe it may be part of my background and the culture that I come from where it was a bad thing to feel not good today. It was a bad thing to say, hey, I'm not, I'm not, you know, mentally well. And here's why, you know, it was just, you keep those things quiet. But yeah,
0:08:13
that's the negative stigma you're talking about. The idea that because the emotions are mental places that we're in, and we find ourselves in, we have been taught from early early ages to kind of like demonize those ourselves and like self-police in that way. So it's like, it's like, oh, I don't, we, sadness, bad, anger, bad, you know, fear, bad. And we, it's always, they want that, you know, what becomes toxic positivity of, of like, all, all good all the time, all happy all the time. And they take that, that I, that like, that healthful mind state of like, being like connected with yourself and they gear it towards just like no just boundless positivity and endless optimism but at some point you lose the
0:08:58
reality of it you know yeah I think that the thing about mental health is first of all I consider mental health a gift to myself that is the highest form of self-love that's right this is true have you like any other doctor's appointment I'm not here trying to take out my own appendix. No. I'm not. You know, if I have a cold, I'm like, can you tell me what's going on with this cold? You know, so I view mental health as any, like, an extension of any other form of health. Like, does that mean that I have to ride a dial with my therapist till we're 92? It's like a doctor's appointment. Like, I don't see my doctor, you know, it depends. It depends. If I have a condition that needs monitoring, absolutely, I'm going to see my doctor more frequently. Notifies mentally just as well. Yeah, if it's a cold or something that's in a transitional thing, you know, if I'm healing from something, absolutely I'm going to go see my doctor. So, I see mental health that way. And to your point about emotions, I think we have this really, emotions, we have this thing where emotions are scary. Yeah, yeah. Where we feel like we're going to be overcome and go underwater with our emotional state. So we regard certain emotions as bad emotions, and other emotions as good emotions. And emotions are basically just our body's way of telling us something is amiss.
0:10:15
Precisely, yeah. There is no good or bad, there just is. And the thing, and more to that as well, is like we say, we kind of like pigeonhole those emotions and what they are, and also what they mean, because we're not really listening, we're just reacting. That's good. We're already in some kind of survival mode, some kind of nervous system dysregulation. We're already kind of like hair trigger to everything, so it kind of shoots us in the foot again because we're not able to see the bigger picture, see that forest through the trees and all that, and be able to listen because what we're trying to do, whether we know it or not, is we just want to survive. We think we're in danger, and for some reason, one way or the other, there's a lot of reasons why for any person out there, but it's because you want to feel safe, and for some reason, the intensity of the emotion makes you feel like that is also attacking you. And that's not the case, but, you know.
0:11:18
So, I'm so glad you brought that up. So, why is that? Because it's how we're wired. Precisely. So, I would love to do like a mini trauma tutorial. Yes. So, here is the deal with us, right? Human beings are wired to first protection and safety, which means that we're particularly tuned to the things in our environment that are going to hurt us. Like imagine, caveman goes outside, oh what a lovely saber tooth, that's not how that works. And it's part of our earliest form of wiring, it's part of our limbic system, it's the lower brain, it's what comes online first. What separates us from the animals is that we have a prefrontal cortex, we have a decision making part of our brain, which is good and bad. It's good in the sense that we can make decisions, we can set goals. It's bad in the sense that we're not really as in tune to our stimulus and our environmental factors as animals are. Animals aren't like, should I go? Should I stay? Animals are like, there's a food, I'm gonna go. There's a predator, I'm not gonna go. Humans are like, did I see a predator? I don't know, how big was it? Am I making it up? Is it just scarier than I thought it was? We can oftentimes rationalize ourselves out of our emotions.
0:12:31
Yeah, I struggle myself with intellectualizing my emotions because for me, with my healing journey over the years, I had to first understand what I was feeling and what I experienced and kind of bring all that into focus. And of course, with the knowledge and the logic inherent in understanding those things, I kind of would get lost in that sauce. And, and I would say the emotions were there, and I could recognize that that's what I was, you know, feeling, but I wasn't expressing them the same way, or I wasn't kind of validating them the same way.
0:13:07
because it's not just the biological things that happen. So, first of all, yes, the biology. Some of us are pre-wired to be anxious or depressed or to have PTSD, sometimes because of the experiences that happened even before we got here and the things that shape our brain. It's like a switch waiting to be flipped on. And all the stuff that's also like unconscious that happened to and around us
0:13:30
before we could gain sentience. That part. Gain sentience. That's right. So there's the wiring and then there's the environmental factors that contribute and then a lot of times the messages we receive around emotions were messages we learned
0:13:39
Not messages like babies are like I can't cry right now. That's right. Because someone might be offended If I cry right now. Yeah, babies don't have that. No, no one taught us Yeah We learned to censor our emotions based on how people responded when we had them. If you were in a household where the people were always volatile, you're learning a message about that emotion. You're learning a message about how your role is in the emotion, especially if you are a person as children, you know, you don't have the same abilities to fight, fight, freeze. Your options are limited. We're not developed that way. Yeah, your options are limited just because of your size and just because of your ability. So we are always learning and then at some point in our adulthood we assume that we are the authors of those voices.
0:14:33
Yeah. Oh yeah.
0:14:34
And we internalize them.
0:14:35
This is so true. No, that's what it is because we like our inner critic takes on our voice that we have for ourselves, but just because it's our voice doesn't mean that those were originally our thoughts or opinions.
0:14:49
But is it your voice? Yeah, right. Like five-year-olds are like, I suck. No, no.
0:14:53
Is it your voice?
0:14:54
It's somebody else. And to your point, I remember first discovering that up until the age of like six or seven, the way that the brain works and is developing is it does not, and correct me if I'm a little bit off base here, but our brain doesn't know that the problem when we are under distress or being punished or whatever is going on, we don't have the capacity to understand external factors that factor into why that is happening. We internalize things as the problem is us as we are like the problem is me.
0:15:32
We're not even cognitively fully on board until we're 28.
0:15:35
I'm 28 right now. I was going to say maybe early 20s.
0:15:39
Maybe 28?
0:15:41
I think it's like 25 or 26 for women. Sorry about that.
0:15:45
No, dude, it's fine.
0:15:47
When did adulting happen for you? When did you feel like, I'm an adult now?
0:15:53
Okay, so, I don't want to say go... No, I'm going to give myself permission to speak. There you go. At a very early age. Not by choice. I felt like I was forced to make certain decisions or to experience certain things that most adults experience at a later age. So for me, I would say in my teens, really, like, so there were times, rest in peace my mom, that my sisters and I would have to make decisions when we came home from school. I can remember as early as maybe elementary middle school and mom wasn't having a good day. My mother struggled she had some mental health issues and back then they really didn't have diagnoses and things of that nature to diagnose and so there were times believe it or not when we would come home and there will be a note on the front door that say you know mom's not feeling well today food is in the refrigerator etc and she would give us And so at that time we would come in the house, we knew the routine, we would get our food, she taught us how to microwave or to preheat it or you know the food and making decisions, okay what are we going to do for the rest of the evening, make sure you do your homework, etc. But really those were things and experiences that I felt like I was, we needed to be more mature or wise about how we handle things because our adult figure at the time who was in the household with us wasn't feeling well. And so she did to the best of her ability. But then it is it in my initially intentionally, but then I started to show up in ways where no, we need to do this. And no, we don't need to do that. And no, you need to behave like this. And you need to behave like that.
0:17:33
Very early on, you start kind of putting yourself, you kind of create these boundaries or this mold for yourself and you start saying, well, this is, this is, for lack of a better term, this is what's appropriate, this is what's not. Yeah, you self-censor. We were talking, you were talking previously about kind of we, we lose that, that awe and that kind of that childlike wonder. And I think a lot of that gets lost when we're forced to like take on adult-like roles at an early age and we start equating adulthood with like anything separating us from just the natural enjoyment of life that we have in childhood where we feel like all the world is huge and everything's in front of us and there's so many possibilities and we just kinda like, for some reason people equate adulthood with like now you have to fit in your box and now you have to conform to societal standards and this and that and the other and it's like maybe we
0:18:27
shouldn't lose that. You opened a wonderful segue to a conversation. Yes, that's good. Yeah, so what is adulthood? What is considered adulthood and what were you told adulthood is? It sounds like adulthood meant you had to take care of yourself, you have to be self-sufficient, you had to be strong, which is an incredible lesson for a kid. I read this thing once that it said kids don't need to be strong, they need to be safe.
0:18:54
Exactly.
0:18:55
That part.
0:18:56
I read that as well. And I didn't know that then, but I was told you have to be strong because your mom's not doing this or your dad, whatever the case was. You need to be strong. And this was, to me, some of the expectation. So I didn't give myself permission. I didn't know then to cry or to say I'm feeling sad, but it was no, this is what you have to do you need to survive it so that colored how
0:19:15
you expressed emotions and how you understood emotions which reminds me while we're on the subject I have some great book recommendations yes she always has great book recommendations constantly so my favorite book of the moment that I just finished reading actually listening to an audiobook is what happened to you by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry OMG talk about a window to your soul. Talk about understanding how those formative experiences change and shape who you are and how you move in this world and how you love in this world and how you live in this world. So that's number one. Love it. was hilarious and fantastic and taught me the meaning of make-believe friends. I didn't know that was a thing. And another book I would say is The Strong Black Woman, I think is Teresa Hershey, because some of the pieces you discussed about strength and resilience are culturally specific and are passed down from like, there's a strong black woman, there's also the strong black girl, who's like a mini strong black woman. Yeah, like in development Yeah, moving towards and as you all know like Brene Brown needs to pay me money because I keep recommending
0:20:34
But and you're a brand ambassador for sure yeah, I am I am a brand ambassador
0:20:38
So if you hear this just know that if you have book sales in Las Vegas, it's on me, right? the gifts of imperfection perfection was a wonderful way to see myself through a different lens, with self-compassion and love by Brene Brown. So those are some book recommendations I say on the journey. But yeah, to get back to adulthood. So what adulthood meant for me in my Jamaican household, in which I was told I need to get hell out by that time I was 18. And isolation and the dissolving of support systems. It meant being alone in the wilderness. Yeah.
0:21:30
it meant that there was nobody for me but me.
0:21:34
That hyper individualism that we get fed from an early age is really just,
0:21:40
I don't know what it is, but it really just kind of, again, it kills that childlike wonder and that sense of community that we're supposed to keep inherent to ourselves as human beings. And the thing is, we should all be self-sufficient in and of our growth with ourselves, but I feel it's horrible when we lose the touch of community and people get so wrapped up in whatever they're doing that we really start to think that every man is an island, which is like, that's ridiculous. We're social creatures and we all, as individuals, may have different capacities or social batteries for just how much social interaction we can handle
0:22:30
before we need some rest but we all need it. Yeah, we can die from lack of love. Heartbreak is a real thing. It's a horrible inheritance. I'm taking notes. I'm so sorry. We can die from a lack of love. You know what's the thing
0:22:45
that's saddest about it? Is that sometimes parents feel like they're doing something good for us by shoving us out into the wilderness. Like, you know in the wild, like, go catch you a cook, go catch you an antelope.
0:22:59
You know. Or, you know, like, like mama bird shoving the birds out of the nest to fly. It's like, I don't know.
0:23:05
Yeah.
0:23:06
And we come from a household where it was like, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.
0:23:09
Like, you'll see that it was Stated to point out the inherent absurdity of trying to do that. Yeah, literally it is impossible
0:23:22
Yes, pull yourself up. That is a really that is a really great point And so here the thing is we are conditioned to believe that loving your kids and providing them additional support is coddling Yeah Yeah. That it's coddling. And really what it is, oftentimes, is it's a byproduct of insufficiency. It's because we don't necessarily have the resources to keep feeding that extra person. It's because we need them to help supplement the things that are going. And oftentimes we leave the nest because we don't want to be an additional burden.
0:23:57
And we're made to feel like burdens simply for existing. And I think that's like the one of the biggest oxymorons in all of our known world, because none of us have a say in our existence. None of us
0:24:11
had any influence in being here. And, and I and I wonder, you know, as a parent myself, you know, I'm sure the ways that I raised my child are very different. Probably
0:24:22
in the best way. Yeah, I would I would assume that we're going to go.
0:24:26
My job is to have his back. My job is to have his back as he navigates this thing that is called life. And I am the roots to his tree. He can fly, but just know the nest is still here. We got food in the nest.
0:24:44
You're not throwing him out of the nest.
0:24:46
We got food in the nest. It's still here. The love doesn't leave because oftentimes we got to come back. I mean 2020 showed us that right? Yeah, a lot of people flooded nest like yeah. Well, my wings are tired I'm coming home now and and if you don't have a safe if you don't have a safe anchor How do you feel safe in the world? Yeah. No, I struggle with that my whole life like why I feel yeah
0:25:09
You know, I was thinking too as I was talking about, you know being grounded and taking that walk I'm over thinking like what can I do next? There are different things that I've suppressed. And I think part of it is there are different things that I've wanted to do that I have suppressed. Like I used to ride roller coasters, go to the amusement park, and I'm like, those things make me happy. And part of it is I wonder, why do I feel like doing somewhat of childlike things? And I think part of that is because I missed a large part of or I did not get a chance to experience it in its entirety that I long and crave to kind of get back to that. Part of me, I remember when I was in some therapy sessions, the therapist was telling me something about allow the inner girl to cry. It's not you as a grown woman, you think you're expressing yourself, but really it's that inner child that never had the ability to really come to fruition. You know, I was like, what is she talking about the inner child, but really I find myself now in my 40s saying, let me, I want to get some of those things that I actually enjoy, were things that I did do in childhood or wanted to experience in childhood.
0:26:12
Who said only children can play? Where is that written? That only children can play?
0:26:17
Aren't we taught that? Like you need to be mature. You need to be, you know, that's child is, you should not want to do that. Oh, I'm too grown for that. I don't do that anymore. It's like, no, but who says?
0:26:28
Like, who says? And who says, I mean, and play is healthy. Play is time for you. Play is energizing. We model play for our kids. Who said? Like, who said?
0:26:39
Like, who said that has to stop?
0:26:41
Oh no, you know, that's the question of my 50-something years now, is who said? Like, who said I can't wear ponytails? Like, who said I can't roller skate? Other than, you know, the doctor with my hip.
0:26:53
And that's more so just being cautioned and not saying no outright.
0:26:58
So why are we creating limitations for ourselves based on some imaginary audience's rules?
0:27:04
Precisely.
0:27:05
When you have your one life to live, you have your one you to love, you will be with you forever. Let her be happy, dammit. Yes, I know.
0:27:14
Let him be happy. Like I know somebody listening to this like, they probably like, let me turn this up because you're giving, we're giving us permission and space just to be.
0:27:23
Seriously, why are you depriving you of joy and happiness and love? To what end?
0:27:29
Right, right.
0:27:30
So you can say you were strong?
0:27:31
Right.
0:27:32
Strong and lonely? Hello.
0:27:34
Strong and unhappy?
0:27:35
Strong and hungry?
0:27:36
Yes.
0:27:37
Seriously, is that the truth?
0:27:38
Man.
0:27:40
But something that came up in my research and readings and thoughts is we don't age out of emotional needs. No. Look at you talking wisdom. We don't age out of emotional needs and so to your point of letting your inner child out that felt stifled or whatever, that is like where part of you got a little stuck, because emotional needs weren't being met or recognized, like that neglect is real and got internalized. And you've been living with that while you've been growing. And so you can heal that. And then you'd be amazed how suddenly just like, kind of like that light bulb moment just moment, just poof, and it could happen for you. It could happen for anybody.
0:28:29
I just want to issue one final statement, which is my languaging. So, I noticed just a moment ago, I'm like, him, her, let's they, them. I just want to be clear that this language includes everyone and anyone. So, please forgive my archaic ways of not switching between the necessary language, but let her, him, they, them, let all of you be happy. You deserve it. Your inner child has been through enough. Stop making them suffer unnecessarily by denying them the things that they need.
0:29:03
Right. Give yourself the grace and the patience that you needed when you were younger, that you were given.
0:29:09
That part. The compassion, that love, that part. And let's celebrate mental health awareness all year round. It doesn't need to be excluded just for one month. This is an honor, I guess we can say, of Mental Health Awareness Month. But let's make sure we're intentional about taking care of our mental well-being every single day, every moment. Remember, you matter.
0:29:31
Absolutely.
0:29:32
You absolutely matter. If you don't think you matter to you, know you matter to me.
0:29:35
You matter.
0:29:36
We will hold space for you until you can find space to love you back.
0:29:41
I just want to say thank you all, everyone in the studio, thank you for this.
0:29:45
You're welcome.
0:29:46
It's for the audience, but thank you.
0:29:48
We're all doing some healing right now.
0:29:50
That's right, man.
0:29:51
Let's heal together.
0:29:54
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Transcribed with Cockatoo