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Barbara Rainey mentors women in their most important relationships. She loves encouraging women to believe God and experience Him in every area of their lives.
Part of loving your spouse well is setting aside your own unrealistic expectations. Here's Barbara Rainey.
Barbara Rainey:You know, we thought when we got married that we accepted each other just like we were, and we felt that. It was one of the things that I was most attracted to about Dennis was that he accepted me for who I was, the way I was, and I didn't feel like I had to perform. But after you get married, you have to practice that over and over again because you discover these things that aren't the way you thought they were gonna be, and so you have to go, oh, do I really accept him now that I know he can't fix things? Am I going to accept him the way he is and love him the way he is? That process is ongoing in marriage.
Samantha Keller:This is the Barbara Rainey podcast from Ever Thine Home. Thanks for joining us. Here's a quick analogy. Think of your marriage like a house. It needs regular maintenance.
Samantha Keller:And whether you've been married for decades or or you're about to get started in marriage, it's important to pay some attention to the foundation of that house, what it's built on. Not too long ago, Dennis and Barbara Rainey sat down with their friend, Bob Lapine, to talk about some of those foundational marriage principles that couples need to remember. Here's Dennis to kick off the conversation.
Dennis Rainey:I ran across this deal that made a fast dash across the Internet a number of years ago called 11 Things You Won't Learn in School About Jobs. Barbara and I decided to just have some fun with this, and we decided to write our own chapter called 11 rules about marriage that you won't learn
Bob Lepine:in school. And the first rule you've got on the list is that marriage is not about your happiness. Boy, you're talking about a countercultural message. Is isn't that why you got married, Barbara? Well, actually,
Barbara Rainey:it's not. But it is the most common reason why most couples get married because they think that this other person is gonna make me happy. They think I make that other person happy. And so how we feel about each other and the kind of relationship we have with each other makes me feel good, so therefore, this must be right.
Bob Lepine:Well, you thought Dennis was gonna make you happy, didn't you?
Barbara Rainey:Well, I suppose I did at some level. I don't know that I really thought in that term quite as clearly, maybe.
Dennis Rainey:It's I'm
Barbara Rainey:thinking about today. I don't know.
Dennis Rainey:I'm thinking about this, and I I think it would have been a tough sell for us to have really believed this one. And I've said across the table from an engaged couple, they got stars in their eyes. This is a tough sell. Yeah. You know, it's all about how you make me feel.
Dennis Rainey:I mean, they're thinking about how we're gonna we're gonna drive off together into, you know, to the castle, and he's gonna carry me there, and she's gonna be staring at me with stars in her eyes. And Happily ever after. That's the way it works. And there's no way they have any idea, no way we knew what the fine print held. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey:It's in the marriage covenant. Well, of
Bob Lepine:course, we try to warn couples at the altar with things like for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, sickness, health.
Dennis Rainey:But that goes right over. Well, they're
Barbara Rainey:here for better, for
Bob Lepine:richer For richer, for suit and health. And and even if you sit down with a couple and say, now you need to understand, marriage is not about your happiness. They go, I know the Sunday school answer, but in the back of their mind Right. They're getting married because something about this relationship just feels really good.
Barbara Rainey:Exactly. And so it's it is a very, very hard sell because the emotion and the lack of reality that they're experiencing in their relationship before marriage, it's impossible for them to feel the things that you're going to feel one day in marriage.
Dennis Rainey:And they fed on a steady diet. Right. But let's face it. From Hollywood Yep. Of incredibly romantic movies that are all over in 2 hours Right.
Dennis Rainey:And that cause you to weep and to cry, and it's so sweet, and it always ends on the the crescendo. Mhmm. And so I think we all get married thinking that we're gonna experience some of that in our marriage relationship.
Bob Lepine:And we are gonna experience some of that
Dennis Rainey:We are.
Bob Lepine:In our marriage relationship.
Dennis Rainey:And we still do, by the way.
Bob Lepine:But you've got John and Katie, my son and future daughter-in-law, sitting across the table from you, and you're telling them it's not about your happiness, and they're gone they're nodding their head going, yeah, we we understand. So then Here's what I
Dennis Rainey:like to say to a young couple. Yeah. I like to say now, okay, John, would you look at Katie? Look her in the eyes. And, I actually might start with Katie first.
Dennis Rainey:I said, look at John. You realize how what a selfish thug he is? How how he has been used to being single and meeting his own needs, thinking about himself from sunup to sundown and beyond. Mhmm. Look at him.
Dennis Rainey:Do you realize that the Scriptures speak about how he's depraved? He is he's a sinful man. Mhmm. He could be an adulterous man in his heart, or maybe in reality. Now now look at him.
Dennis Rainey:Look at him. And know, it's interesting. They start out looking, and they're kinda grinning at each other. And then I start going through this list, and it's like, oh, no. He's not really that way.
Bob Lepine:Right.
Dennis Rainey:Then I ask him to look at her, and I go through this same list with her, and that happened with Barbara and me when we were going through our marriage preparation council, which wasn't much. Somebody told you he
Bob Lepine:was a selfish thug. Is that what I He
Dennis Rainey:was a thug, but, that's that's been my addition to to the whole thing. But, yeah, they I don't remember that. Well, Don Meredith used to he used to look us in the eyes, and he goes, look at him. He's an adulterer. See, I
Barbara Rainey:must have been a
Dennis Rainey:liar. He's a
Barbara Rainey:liar because
Dennis Rainey:I don't remember that. He's capable of all this
Samantha Keller:I didn't believe it.
Dennis Rainey:All this stuff. But, you know, they don't believe it because this happiness factor, this fog factor of how you start a relationship out, and as Barbara said, the lack of reality in the relationship. You know, at the end of the date, you take them home Uh-huh. And you go back to your place. But after marriage, as Barbara found out in our marriage, she had to lock herself in the bathroom
Bob Lepine:to get away from me. So so we gotta understand that the the overarching purpose for marriage is not your happiness. And the reason that's important is because there'll be days when you're not happy, and you're still married even on the days when you're not happy. Aren't you? Yeah.
Bob Lepine:They are. Right. Yeah.
Dennis Rainey:And then you gotta ask the question, so what is the purpose? Right? And that really God's reputation is at stake in your marriage and your family.
Bob Lepine:It's a transcendent call to live out your marriage and your family to the glory of God. You've been hired as an ambassador for the kingdom. Your marriage is a part of how you live that out, and you need to make sure you're representing the king and, the homeland well. Right?
Dennis Rainey:Here's where I wish I had the young couple, you know, again, your son and his fiancee, you have them in the room. You wanna say, now listen to me. This is where life makes up its mind. Are you gonna live out your marriage when the going gets tough, and live out your commitment and have your marriage go the distance? Because you 2 have a transcendent purpose.
Dennis Rainey:That's why God created men and women. It's about His image being modeled in your lives. Will you live your marriage for the glory and the purpose of God? So rule
Bob Lepine:number 1 of your 11 rules is that marriage is not primarily about your happiness. Rule number 2 is that God is at work in marriage finishing something that he has begun.
Dennis Rainey:Oh, yeah. And Barbara could comment on this. I'll read it, and then I'll let her comment on it. Rule number 2, getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up.
Barbara Rainey:And it's true for women too, but I think a lot of times, we females, because we have stars in our eyes, we think our prince charming has it all together, and we see him probably as more mature and more stable and more together than he sees himself. And I think it's easy for us as women I think it's easy to underestimate the insecurities that he feels and the ways that he feels unsure, and marriage is good for him because it will help him step up and be a man and finish growing up.
Bob Lepine:I remember a guest. I don't remember who it was, but somebody who talked about marriage as divine sandpaper or a divine chisel. It's the ongoing work of God to take an incomplete, selfish human being and start to chisel away at some of the selfishness.
Dennis Rainey:You know, you can't you can't fulfill what God's got in the Bible and be married and then have children and be successful in all those commitments simultaneously. You have got to decide to deny yourself, and I think all roads lead back to the guy. Will you lead the way as the head of your home loving her, cherishing her, nourishing her, caring for her? And Bob, it's one of the concerns I've got about young people today who are getting married at an all time record high. The average age for men getting married today is the highest it's ever been in the history of our country.
Bob Lepine:It's like 28, isn't it?
Dennis Rainey:It's 28. It's 27 for women Wow. And 28 for men. And there's been a ton written about this by sociologists who wouldn't have a a Christian worldview persuasion. They're just talking about how guys today are delaying adult responsibilities as long as they can.
Bob Lepine:How old were you when you got married? 24. Alright. Barbara, if if I introduced the 24 year old dentist to the dentist of today, what would be the biggest difference? How is he what what's the area where he's She
Dennis Rainey:can answer this if I can call Mary Anne on the phone and see how she would answer. An area where you
Bob Lepine:would say, yeah. This is where he needed to finish growing up. Can you think of 1? That's a good question.
Barbara Rainey:That's a really good question, and it's a really hard one to answer. My first thought was if we had them standing side by side, they're very different people, but I can't think of just one area.
Dennis Rainey:Well, I'll come to risk you here. I I would say that there's a lot about being single that, again, feeds selfishness. Yeah. You get up in the morning, you think about what you're gonna eat, think about what you're gonna do, you think about how you're gonna spend your day, how you're gonna conclude your day. I mean, it's all about who?
Dennis Rainey:Me. Yeah. And when you get married, you can't live that way any longer. When you get married, you say, by virtue of the covenant of marriage, I'm not gonna live for myself. I am gonna be a husband who cares for you, and so I need to start thinking about Barbara and how I can nourish her, which means to provide nutrients that help her to grow spiritually.
Dennis Rainey:Mhmm. That means a young man's gotta think, how do I do that? And I remember feeling inept. I didn't know how to do that. And I thank God we'll get to this a little bit later on in a future broadcast, but I thank God for a guy who mentored me and and advised me the most important thing he could do was to pray every day with with his wife.
Dennis Rainey:But a man's called to to nourish, to cherish, that means to to soften her heart and to love her. Bob, I was struck with what a powerful redemptive tool marriage was in my life. It redeemed me from myself. I couldn't do marriage as the Bible talks about here without self denial, dying to my own desires, and thinking about how can I truly love this woman who said yes to me, and love her as Christ loved the church?
Bob Lepine:We've talked over the years about how Saturday changed in Dennis' life as a result of marriage. Right?
Barbara Rainey:Yeah. It did, actually.
Bob Lepine:Yeah. What changed?
Dennis Rainey:It took
Barbara Rainey:a while though, Bob.
Bob Lepine:How long did it take?
Dennis Rainey:As an inside joke, maybe maybe let the listeners in on the inside joke a bit.
Barbara Rainey:Yeah. I grew up in a in a household where my father was, his job was he was an engineer, so he knew how to fix things. He knew how to fix everything, and if he didn't know how to fix it, he would find out how to fix it because he knew he could do it.
Dennis Rainey:Let me just interrupt you for a second. Your dad's job was being an engineer. That is correct. Mhmm. But your dad was, and every fiber of his being was an engineer.
Barbara Rainey:That's right.
Dennis Rainey:He was wired, hardwired to fix any problem on the planet mechanically that he'd ever encountered.
Bob Lepine:And Dennis didn't have any wiring like that anywhere, did he?
Barbara Rainey:He didn't, but see, I assumed he did because I thought because my dad had it that all men had it. So I assumed in that 1st year, maybe 1st 10 years of our marriage, that Dennis could fix things. And so once I learned that he that wasn't natural to him, I thought, well, he just can learn. I mean, just get a book and read it. I mean
Dennis Rainey:Just connect the
Barbara Rainey:wires. It can't be that hard. Yeah. And so that was a big learning curve for me because I was making an assumption about my husband based on what I'd seen in my dad, thinking that it was a male trait and not understanding that it was a wiring trait that my dad had that my husband didn't have. So we had all these conflicts early in our marriage because I would assume he, on Saturdays or even on other days, was gonna go fix whatever needed to be fixed.
Barbara Rainey:He was gonna build whatever we needed built.
Bob Lepine:And you were assuming that Saturday was about
Dennis Rainey:Was gonna be spent as my dad always spent it. He watched the game of the week Mhmm. Baseball, basketball, didn't matter. Little fish and drip, maybe? That was yeah.
Dennis Rainey:That was, a man's kinda a man's right, you know? And I kinda thought it came with a ticket, you know? And I found out after Barbara circled my easy chair that I was sitting in a few times like a little bit like a buzzard with roadkill, that that wasn't my right in it, that I had better grow up and realize, you know what? She has things she needs me to do. And even if I don't know how to fix them, I need to figure out how to get the job done.
Barbara Rainey:Exactly.
Dennis Rainey:Exactly. But you did did you hear the statement she just made? It took her 10 years to lose total hope.
Bob Lepine:10 years it took her 10 years to realize that different is not bad, it's different.
Barbara Rainey:There you go.
Bob Lepine:And that expectation, sometimes you just gotta go, okay, that's not who I married, but that's okay. Mhmm. Because there are other things about him that you still like, aren't there?
Barbara Rainey:Well, there were things that he was really good at
Bob Lepine:Yeah.
Barbara Rainey:That my dad wasn't necessarily really good at, and it took me a while to learn those differences and to appreciate them. And, you know, we thought when we got married that we accepted each other just like we were, and we felt that. It was one of the things that I was most attracted to about Dennis was that he accepted me for who I was, the way I was, and I didn't feel like I had to perform. But after you get married, you have to practice that over and over again because you discover these things that aren't the way you thought they were gonna be, and so you have to go, oh, do I really accept him now that I know he can't fix things? Am I going to accept him the way he is and love him the way he is?
Barbara Rainey:That process is ongoing in marriage.
Samantha Keller:Barbara Rainey there, talking with her husband, Dennis, and Bob Lepine. They were talking about the first two of 11 rules about marriage that you won't learn in school. We'll hit more of those rules in future episodes of the Barbara Rainey podcast, so stay tuned. If you aren't yet subscribed, why don't you sign up today? You'll get weekly emails delivered to your inbox and podcast episodes twice a month, along with tons of other extras along the way.
Samantha Keller:That includes first peeks at new items in our Etsy shop. To subscribe, just go to barbaraamey.substack.com. Also, coming up in September, don't miss the series Disappointment with God. Dennis and Barbara have some thought provoking things to share with us about how we should respond in those moments when God lets life take us a different direction than we would have chosen. Again, subscribe at barbararaneydot substack.com.
Samantha Keller:Thanks for listening today. Be sure to share this episode with someone you know who would appreciate what you heard today. I'm Samantha, inviting you back for the Barbara Rainey podcast, From Ever Thine Home.