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Growing Knowing is about unlocking the beauty of God’s Word - helping you know the Bible deeply and grow into the life He created you for.
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we're gonna be exploring the fifth commandment, honor your father and your mother. And we're gonna see that this commandment isn't about sentimentality or control. It's about formation.
Speaker 1:God designed the family as a primary place where identity, faith, and honor are learnt. So in this episode, we're gonna explore what honor really means, how we can live it out, how we can walk in its promise, and why God calls hearts between fathers and children to turn toward one another. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Growing Knowing. Today, are hitting the fifth commandment, and this is significant because we're moving from the commands that deal with our relationship with God.
Speaker 1:Now, we're stepping into, the commandments, the next six that relate to our relationships with our fellow men. And the first one is significant because of that. We're gonna read it in verse 12. Exodus chapter 20 in verse 12, it says, honor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God has given you. So at the very beginning, we understand that there's something incredibly significant about family, about the structure that God has created.
Speaker 1:And in fact, and this is interesting, the Old Testament ends with both a promise and a warning. It's Malachi chapter four and verse six, says he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and struck the earth with a curse. Now this is important because there's two different people in this verses. The he and there's the I. So the I speaking is God.
Speaker 1:So who is the he? Well, verse five of Malachi chapter four says, behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. So who is the Elijah of the New Testament or Jesus himself in Matthew eleven fourteen identifies John the Baptist as Elijah that was to come. So when Elijah came, he was announcing the introduction of a new kingdom, that is the kingdom of God. And here we see that this introduction of a kingdom would be a sign for the hearts of fathers to be turned to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.
Speaker 1:This isn't just a prophecy though. It's not just like pretty language. It's actually a diagnostic. God is saying that when the hearts between fathers and children turn away from each other, when there's no honor in their home, society actually fractures. Which means that if they turn towards one another, then something redemptive is released on the earth.
Speaker 1:And why is that? It's because God's design is being realigned. So last episode, we talked about how walking in Sabbath is about aligning ourselves with the principles and priorities of God, bringing honor into the home realigns us with the design that God has established for us to be raised in and to raise our children in. Like I said, the first four commandments deal with our relationship with God. The last six deal with our relationship with one another, and it has to be incredibly significant.
Speaker 1:The first command we're given about relating with one another has to do with how we honor people in our own home. And not just any people, our father and our mother. Before there are laws about violent sexuality or truthfulness, God addresses honor in the home because this is the training ground of who we are in society. And it's just a reminder that the kingdom of God isn't about policy. Remember, we don't live up to a law, we live it out.
Speaker 1:The kingdom of God actually looks like a family. Paul, times, when he was talking about being born again, says, you have been born into the family of God. There is a priesthood of believers, a family of believers that live now, that have lived in the past and that will live in the future. Amazing. The family is God's chosen unit of influence.
Speaker 1:You see, God, when he began his plan, he didn't start with a king. He didn't So we all understand that when when Jesus came, the Jews were waiting for him, were waiting for someone who would come and overtake Rome, get rid of them and establish an earthly kingdom. Fair, right? We we know that and if you don't, now you do. But when God actually went to reestablish his kingdom on earth, remember when Adam was the was the plan and then Adam fell, when God reestablished his covenant with Abraham, the person he chose was not necessarily royalty, and the promise that was given wasn't necessarily royalty.
Speaker 1:Remember, what was the promise given to Abraham? That he would be a father. The father of many nations. Before there was the nation of Israel, there was the promise of a lineage. Before there was ever a law, there was a legacy.
Speaker 1:And this is interesting because before there was temple worship, before a temple was even talked about, there were homes. Abraham was to turn his household to serve the one and only God. And this is a consistent pattern throughout scripture that our faith formation doesn't primarily happen in the tabernacle, in the temple, in society. Spiritual formation happens within the family. Deuteronomy chapter six verses six to seven says this, these words which I command you today shall be on your heart and you shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Speaker 1:Who's doing the teaching? It's the parents in the home. There is no ministry that can take over the responsibility that was given by God to parents. The home is meant to be the primary environment where identity, faith and honor are formed. Does that mean that parents have to have all the answers?
Speaker 1:No. But they should know where to find all the answers and that's God's word and it's the Holy Spirit. When the family is strong, society has roots. Children grow up understanding their place in the world. They get a great starting block for life.
Speaker 1:They understand that they've been created with a design. They know that they are loved, that they have value. But when the family fractures, everything downstream feels it because this is such a vital place of formation. If the formation doesn't happen here, then children will seek it out elsewhere and they'll actually seek, what's the word I'm thinking of? A It's not a substitute.
Speaker 1:What? When art is not real, that word, they will seek out something that is fake because they haven't received what is real. And this isn't about whether other people can love children well. Of course, we believe that, you know, children's pastors or pastors or church leadership can love children well. We believe that teachers can love our children well, but that they don't replace the God given position of parents in the home.
Speaker 1:It's a reminder that design still matters. Family is not something humanity invented. It's something that God established, and because we didn't create it, we don't get to redefine it. Scripture presents family as the covenant union of a man and a woman joined together to raise the next generation. And that design is not arbitrary.
Speaker 1:It reflects God's nature, his order, and his intention. So when society says that a mother or father is no longer necessary, that their presence can simply be substituted, that, you know, we can have a family with two mothers or two fathers or or one parent. We don't elevate care. We actually diminish calling. We diminish design.
Speaker 1:We reduce fatherhood and motherhood from God given roles to optional functions. No matter the intent, that is the outcome and in doing so, we quietly communicate or sometimes very loudly communicate that these roles don't matter. And just because children can survive in these environments, doesn't mean that that is where they are meant to be or that they will thrive there. Because human resilience should never be mistaken for divine design. There are many people who can survive all sorts of things.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean that the environment that they survived in was the perfect one or the best one for their flourishing. People can survive in all sorts of arrangements, and children can show resilience in less than ideal circumstances, but survival is not the same as intention, and coping is not the same as calling. Scripture doesn't ask what is the lowest common denominator, it asks what is the purpose, what is the design. When society, when our culture redefined a marriage, Family is inevitably downstream of that redefinition. So when marriage gets redefined, what family looks like it's redefined, and then the cultural expectation that children need both a father and a mother weakens.
Speaker 1:And that shift doesn't just change policy. Parenting isn't about policy, and no policy changes will make good parents. Revelation of God's word makes great parents, and that's what we need to focus on. Policy in our society reshapes what society believes is necessary, valuable, and worth protecting. But if policy is not grounded on God's word or the revelation of God's character, then it's a bad policy.
Speaker 1:It doesn't matter what it is. You see, dishonor rarely begins with bad intentions. It begins when we treat what got established as bedrock as optional, negotiable or outdated. And once dishonor is introduced into the home through redefinition, we shouldn't be surprised when dishonor begins to multiply within it. What happens in the home never stays in the home because the family is not just personal, it's foundational.
Speaker 1:So what does honor mean? Well, the Hebrew word used in Exodus chapter 20 verse 12 is the word kabed and it literally means to give weight, to treat as significant, to regard as heavy. You see, honor is not about emotion, about a feeling I have for someone. It's not about agreement that I agree with everything they're doing. It's about value.
Speaker 1:Honour says, I refuse to make you small in my heart or in my speech. The word kabed comes from the same Hebrew word kavad, which means glory, which means the full weight of. So we can understand when we're talking about honoring our father and mother, it's not about emotion, it's not about approval, it's about our posture towards our parents. Paul repeats his command in Ephesians chapter six verses two to three. He says, honor your father and mother.
Speaker 1:This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. This repetition matters and I've been saying this this whole series, but the law isn't something we live up to. Otherwise, it's still something outside of us. The law is something that we live out. Remember, we talked about last episode, Hebrews eight ten says, the God has written the law on our hearts.
Speaker 1:But, when Paul repeats it, he's not saying, hey guys, you still need to live up to this. He's saying, this is who we are. We need to live this out. He's showing us that the principle still applies beyond the law. And here is the crucial truth.
Speaker 1:We said this already, it bears repeating because it's so easy to look at our parents and say, they're not worthy of my honor. Honour has nothing to do with the character of our parents. It has everything to do with the character of the one who is giving honor. Something I say, a lot and actually said it today to someone I was speaking with, if Jesus could go to the cross while he was being beaten, cursed, spat on, and say about the very people who were doing those horrible things to him, father forgive them for they know not what they're doing. If he can do that and I am patterned after his image, then surely I can do that for people who are doing far less to me.
Speaker 1:And when we talk about fathers, because the truth is in our society, less and less people have great role models as fathers. It's actually a great epidemic in our society. It's a great epidemic in the church that we are in a fatherless generation. Many people are being raised in single parent homes, as we talked about before, just different home environments. And when we don't have a good model of an earthly father, that actually affects the way that we look at our heavenly father.
Speaker 1:But we need to understand that God is not called father because our human fathers got it right. And if you had a great father like I did, awesome. But we do not call God father because of our human fathers. He is called father because he is the one who defines what fatherhood is. Jesus teaches us how to pray in Matthew chapter six in verse nine.
Speaker 1:He says, pray them like this, our father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Whatever our picture is of a father, we need to understand that God is the model. He is the example. And so, I want to know what a father is, I shouldn't first go to my earthly example. I need to go to the word of God and say, what does this say about what a father is?
Speaker 1:Because if that's what a father is, loving, kind, just, self sacrificing, willing to go above and beyond to rescue, to provide. If that's the model of the father I'm looking at, then that's the one I can honor and I can honor the position even if the person has fallen short of the biblical expectation. We need to learn not to measure God by broken examples, but but put up our broken examples to the image of father that is represented in scripture. For some, honoring parents feels difficult because the picture of father was distorted. The picture of their mother was distorted.
Speaker 1:Scripture isn't asking us to deny that reality. It does invite us to anchor our understanding of family in who God truly is. This is why we walk in revelation and not feeling. Spiritual maturity is learning to live from the inside out. Learning to redefine our circumstances, what happens to us through what has happened within us.
Speaker 1:John sixteen thirty three, Jesus said, in this world you will have trouble. So for some of us, for some of you, that trouble may have been your home environment. But Jesus encourages by saying, take heart, I have overcome the world. Romans eight twenty eight says, things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. No matter our story, God can take it and work it together into something beautiful.
Speaker 1:Praise God. He is so good. And I just also want to quickly point out to parents, honor actually must be taught in the home and and I want to say this both clearly and lovingly. I want you to hear my heart, but honor does not happen accidentally. There are so many times I've heard parents say, I just don't know what happened to my child.
Speaker 1:And you know, I'm not saying parents are ultimately responsible for every decision their child makes, but we have to take responsibility for what God has given us. Remember, we read it already in Deuteronomy six that parents are responsible for passing on their honor, their respect, their love of God's word to their children. Honour is taught. And I have to say this, you've heard this so many times, but I wanted to sink in. Parents, we are not primarily our children's friends.
Speaker 1:We are their mother or their father. The other night, I was putting my daughter to sleep, and she was like, daddy, I can't actually remember what happened. Probably, she just didn't wanna go to bed and it was bedtime, but whatever had happened, she was like, daddy, I'm not your best friend. And I was just like, well, hey, that's alright. I still love you and I know that you love me and she's like, no, you're not my best friend.
Speaker 1:Look, if my aim was to be my daughter's best friend, then perhaps I'd be a little bit sad. But my aim isn't to be her best friend, my aim is to be her father. And sometimes that will mean, she talks to me that way. And it's my responsibility to train that out of her. Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:It's not just to say, well, that's the way it is and well, now I'm gonna change the way I do things because I want my daughter to always think of me as her friend. God didn't put me in her life. He didn't put her in my life so that I could just be her friend. Because what does friendship do? Friendship affirms.
Speaker 1:We want We You ever have those deep and meaningfuls with your friends and they're just like, I can't believe they did that. And they just make us feel better because they're in solidarity with us. That's not what a parent does. A parent hears something and they're like, why would you do that? Because the job of a parent is to form character and character is formed through discipline and discipline isn't always nice, but that is the parent's role.
Speaker 1:Friendship avoids generally discomfort and it depends on the type of friend and I hear you if you're thinking that, but generally, friendship isn't about, well, how can I develop this person? Parenting embraces that responsibility. My role as a father is primarily to pull out the potential God has placed in my daughters. It's to create an environment where they can thrive, where they know that they're loved, where they're valued, that God has created them with purpose and with power. Our children need both our warmth, our love of course, but they also need our leadership and leadership is also love because we're leading them into what God has for them.
Speaker 1:They need our affection and authority. They both need our moments of, what would you call it, Of grace, of supernatural acts of kindness and love. They also need structure. They need curfews. They need chores in the home.
Speaker 1:Proverbs twenty two six says, train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, will not depart from it. How are we training our children so that they will not depart when they are older? See, and we're not called to train from fear. When we know design, there is no fear. I know the design of my children.
Speaker 1:How do I know it? Because scripture tells me, I know the designer and he has made it clear, this is who I created your children to be. I know his design for me. This is who I've created you to be. And then from that, I can train my children so that they have a foundation to build on when they get older.
Speaker 1:We are the first voices that tell our children who they are, how they should speak, how they should treat authority, how they should respond to correction, and in all that, how are how they are to honor others. And honor is caught before it is taught. So how am I honoring my wife? How am I honoring my children? How am I honoring my in laws?
Speaker 1:How am I honoring, those around me in my community, those I don't agree with? How are my children hearing me speak about other people? How are they hearing me speak about people I disagree with? If I abdicate the role that I have to someone else and say, oh man, I hope the children's pastor has a great series this term on how to honor, I'm actually minimizing the opportunity for my child to walk in what God has for them. And that doesn't negate the importance of children's ministry in church.
Speaker 1:What I'm saying is that parents, it's our job to raise our children and teach them who God is, what he says about them, and how they can walk in everything he has. If we ever advocate our role that isn't giving our children more liberty, it's actually allowing confusion to enter their life and that is not what we are going to do. Now, there's a difference between honor and obedience and this is important because this distinction is where many people sort of get caught up, but he We just read Ephesians chapter six verse two and three, now we're gonna read the verse just before that, Ephesians six one. It says, children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. And there's a maturity right.
Speaker 1:So children, when when I was gonna say when children are children. When kids are young, so right now, I have very young children, I just expect their obedience. It doesn't mean that they don't have any options but there's you don't necessarily reason with someone who hasn't developed the faculties of reason yet. There's only so much explanation you can give to a two year old or a three year old. What we're looking for is obedience.
Speaker 1:But if I understand that it's seasonal, it belongs to childhood, the times where I just expect them to obey me, will lessen as they get older. Not that I mean, I want them to stop obeying me. What I'm saying is that the older they get, the more I want them to understand why they are doing what they are doing. That is training in righteousness. Obedience belongs to childhood.
Speaker 1:Honour is lifelong. It actually belongs to the mature. You can honor someone without obeying. You can actually obey someone without honoring. And that's an important distinction to make because sometimes the What's the right word?
Speaker 1:The stumbling block, well meaning parents run into is that I just want my kids' obedience. So let's say, being in church is something that parents just want their kids to obey and I believe in coming to church. Those of you that know me, I absolutely know. It doesn't matter if I'm on holidays, doesn't matter where in the world I am, I want to be in church because I love God's family, I love connecting with others that share the same beliefs I do. But, if you just make your child come to church, if you haven't established the principle in their heart and all you want is their obeying and you're happy with that, it won't lead to a transformed life.
Speaker 1:It will lead to a disillusioned child and we don't want obedience without honor. We want to establish obedience in a child and then develop that obedience into honor as they mature. You can honor while setting boundaries and in fact, you actually show honor by setting boundaries. When I have a a date night with my wife, I honor that time by setting up a boundary around it. If someone tries to call me and wants to interrupt that time we are having together, I actually dishonor her if I allow that phone call to interrupt what we have already set up in our doing.
Speaker 1:With our children, we actually honor them by setting boundaries that will establish them in the ways of God. And, you know, I I have seen children who are allowed to do anything and actually what they are longing for are boundaries. Because less boundaries doesn't mean they feel more valued. Boundaries mean that we are giving our children honor. And we actually honor by telling the truth.
Speaker 1:It's not honoring to avoid hard conversations or crucial conversations or the sowing of seeds that we know needs to happen. We honor people by telling them the truth of who God's made them to be, of how they're living, of inviting them into the life that God has for them. Honor is about our attitude and not other people's actions. I'm not too sure if I've said this before on the podcast, but my father often said whenever I had a point of difference and I couldn't find agreement with a certain person or a situation, my dad would just say, well, it's not the other person, it's you. And at times, I'd be like, no, that's not true because you didn't know what the other person did or I have no control in the situation and you know, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1:Looking for an excuse really to live in my weakness, but what he was saying is that, I think that I can control other people. I can control me and I can control my responses to any given situation. When I choose to honor, I refuse any contempt that people are trying to put on me. And so, why does this commandment come with a promise? It says that in Exodus chapter 20, it says it again in Ephesians chapter six verse two, honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with the promise.
Speaker 1:But the promise, it's not about the transaction. You know, there are people who say about giving and expecting a return, like, oh, well, you're just giving to get something. Ironically, Luke six thirty eight, Jesus says, give and it shall be given to you. What he's saying is when you sow, then you should expect a harvest and when we honor our father and mother, we're living by a principle sowing the seed of honor, which will result in a promise being released over our lives. Honor creates an environment where life flows, where the blessings of heaven can be released in and through our lives.
Speaker 1:Dishonor fractures that connection. Honor sustains the continuity with our creator. Remember last episode, we talked about being in alignment with God. Honor continues that alignment. Where honor is present, generations can remain connected without being controlled.
Speaker 1:Honour isn't about making people live up to a rule. Many parents would know this. None parents would know this principle that if you have to be present to be obeyed, then you're not actually being honored. People honor you by listening to what you say even when you are not there. And when honor breaks down, society feels it and that's what we're really feeling in our culture today.
Speaker 1:We're seeing the cost of fractured family systems everywhere. There's rising loneliness, increasing anxiety, people don't understand who they are, there's a loss of trust in authority, and that's why the verse we sort of opened up with Malachi four six, highlights why this matters. Because the hearts of fathers and children are not turned towards one another in our society. We've become a very individualistic society. We need to return to the design that God set up.
Speaker 1:Because when hearts are disconnected, then death ensues. This isn't because God is cruel because it's not him that is enacting the death upon us, if that makes sense. Design is being violated. Romans, is it Romans six twenty three? The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.
Speaker 1:The wages of sin is death. Sin is just missing the mark. So when we miss the mark of what God has designed for our family, clearly, the fruit of that will be death. Death of relationship, of identity, and of so much more. The answer people are looking for, and this might sound very over simplistic to many people, but it is true because that's the reality of principles.
Speaker 1:If we would just honor our father and mother, start in the home, then society would begin to reorient itself into alignment with God. Honour keeps hearts facing toward one another. And I understand that many people, as we've already talked about on this episode, have a broken family story. Not every parent was saved, not every home was loving, not every story is this clean and tidy box. Scripture doesn't deny that reality.
Speaker 1:In fact, many of the heroes of scripture came from homes that were far from what we would call ideal. But here's the thing, honor may look like for us forgiveness without reconciliation. We may have to forgive people without ever them asking us for that forgiveness. It may mean that we still need to set up boundaries, but what it means is that we set them up without bitterness. I can I can establish who I allow to speak into my life, but it doesn't mean I have to be bitter against those who I'm minimizing input from?
Speaker 1:And it also means that I can share the truth without contempt. There is a difference between speaking to someone about what they did and how they made you feel in a way that still honors them and what do I mean by that? Let me let me explain that a little bit more. Every single person on earth, no matter what they have done and this isn't minimizing any of the bad things that people have done, but no matter what they have done, God still died for that person. If they were the only person on earth, Jesus still would have come.
Speaker 1:John three sixteen is about that person. God so loved that person that he gave his one and only son, that through him, they would have eternal life, that Zoe life, the life of God. If I can look at someone like that, not through the lens of what they said to me or what they did to me. If I can look at people through the lens of who God created them to be, then I'm able to give truth without contempt. Honor is not about proximity.
Speaker 1:Honor is about posture. The most honoring thing that you can do is to point people back towards the design that God has for them. When Jesus came to earth and this is wild, right? Because Jesus is love all the time, but there are some passages where Jesus got a little bit hairy, you know what I mean? Like he said, he said to some of these pharisees, you whitewashed tombs.
Speaker 1:On the outside, you present very well but on the inside, you're full of dead rotten bones. He called them a brood of vipers. He said these things and even when he said it, he was being honoring. Isn't that wild? Because Jesus' heart wasn't that they would just be lost forever.
Speaker 1:His heart was that they would turn away and actually, he saw that they were leading people astray and that's why his heart was so broken for them and for the people that they were leading astray, but he still loved them and he still honored them. He still desired them to come to know who they were. And so hopefully, as we've talked, you've seen that honor actually has the ability to heal generations. The fifth commandment isn't about control. It's it's not saying listen to your parents or else.
Speaker 1:It's not a burdensome thing. It's actually reminding us that honor begins in the home, that the house is the the vehicle, the primary vehicle God has given for the raising of of spiritual champions. It's about this continuity from our creator to his creation. It teaches us how to live connected instead of fractured. If I can read it again, Exodus chapter 20 in verse 12, we're gonna read from a different translation.
Speaker 1:It says, honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land which Yahweh your God gives you. So Malachi shows us the end goal that hearts turn towards one another because when honor flows in the home, the kingdom becomes visible in the world. And there's responsibility on both parties, on parents, establishing and honoring environments, and in children choosing to honor. Honor gives weight, honor gives life, and honor builds our world. And so I just wanna encourage you, where whatever stage of life you are in, whether you're a parent who is wondering how to establish a culture of honor in your home, let me encourage you.
Speaker 1:You are the perfect person to raise your child. We may not feel it. We may feel under equipped. God knows more than we do and he has entrusted us with a child but it's up to us to pass on what we have learned. If I can encourage again with the words from Deuteronomy chapter six verses six to seven.
Speaker 1:These words which I command you today shall be on your heart. We can only give to our children the words which are on our heart. So parents, commit to studying God's word. Commit to deepening your relationship with him. Create an environment that children love running into.
Speaker 1:The Psalmist says that I was glad when they said to me, let us go into the house of the Lord. That should be the attitude of every one of our children. They are glad to come to our house because they know they're coming to a place of love, of honor, of compassion and know that they're going to be set up to walk in all that God has for them. And children, honor your parents. Think of ways that you can show honor to those who gave for you, who sacrificed for you, and if you didn't have friends that did those things for you, all the more think of ways that you can show the love of Jesus by honoring them and recognizing them as significant.
Speaker 1:This is the first command with the promise. How can we sow into this space, so that we can reap the kingdom of God in our homes, in our workplaces and in our communities. God is good and he has given us everything we need for works of righteousness, for a life of godliness and to establish joy and peace in our world. Honour isn't earned, it's chosen. And it's not about denying pain, it's about refusing to let pain define us.
Speaker 1:The fifth commandment reminds us that God is committed to restoring families, healing generations, and teaches us how to live connected rather than fractured. So whether you're a parent shaping the next generation or a son and daughter navigating your own story, honor remains kingdom principle that brings life. Because the family is God's chosen unit of influence, and honor is the language that keeps it alive. Thanks for listening. If this blessed you, make sure you share it with someone, and I'll see you next time.