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Parenting teens can be hard. Parenting teens who are in crisis is even more complicated. You were never meant to walk through this alone.
Welcome to Through the Hard - Parenting Teens in Crisis, a twice-monthly podcast presented by Pathways to Hope Network.
Join us for honest conversations that drive out shame and show us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty of parenting teens through crisis.
Speaker 1 (00:00:02) - Parenting teens is hard. Parenting teens in crisis is even harder. And we live in a culture that is really good at hiding. You know, we keep these struggles tucked in real tight around us. And so when something happens in our families, that's tough and maybe even a little embarrassing, we feel like we're all alone. I promise you that you're not alone. But you definitely need a place where you can be a part of honest conversations that give a voice to the challenges you're facing. A place that normalizes the hard that we have to walk through with our teenagers. So I'm inviting you to join us on this path towards Healing, where we'll discuss topics that drive out shame and teach us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty that come with parenting a teenager facing the juvenile court system. This twice monthly podcast is presented by Pathways to Hope Network and we strive to do all of that while honoring the unyielding love a mother has for her child. I am about to make a confession. Wait. I think I actually made this confession because I feel like I have a vague recollection of sharing with you a story about Blackberries in the past.
Speaker 1 (00:01:29) - But you know what? I'm going to go ahead and make it again, because now it would just be weird not to. I hate gardening. I am not, nor have I ever been the kind of girl who just loves to crouch down on the ground and get my hands in the dirt. And yet, every spring and fall, that's where I find myself. When the overgrown has reached levels of epic proportion, I can no longer tell what's a weed and what's a plant. I walk around the yard and I'm shaking my head and I'm wondering to myself, like, how did it all get out of control so fast? And this year, as I was strolling around the yard and taking a little bit of an inventory of how each of my plants were doing, I noticed the ones that seemed a little further along this year than they were this time last year. And the ones that after so many years were still not producing the way that I thought they should. And all of a sudden I was kind of struck by how much parenting teens and young adults is a lot like tending a garden.
Speaker 1 (00:02:38) - I have a very dear mama that I get together with. Sometimes we talk about these struggles that we have in parenting, and a lot of times I'll run things by her that I'm working on or that I'm thinking about. The other day we met up in a coffee shop and we're talking through this concept of gardening and parenting together. As we sat and we sipped on our perfect cups of coffee, she started sharing with me a little about these roses that she has in her garden. She said that she loves roses. They're her favorite. And she said, I currently have four rose bushes. Two of the bushes are fully mature and they produce these beautiful flowers faithfully every single year. The third bush, she went on to say, was one that she had planted just two years ago. And she told me how this year it had one bloom. The fourth rosebush she said she planted a year ago and this year there was not a single bud. When I saw that there was no roses on that bush this year, she said.
Speaker 1 (00:03:49) - I got mad. And maybe it was like recognizing the ridiculousness behind that expectation as she said it. But she looked at me and she got this really cute smile that swept across her face and she said, I paid $35 for that rosebush. Angie. I wanted to see a rose. And I think in a similar way, we expect and often demand this level of maturity from our children that they have not yet reached. We project our fears and our anxieties onto them, insisting that they hurry up and grow. Hurry up. Come on, let's go get a move on. The frost is coming. Time's running out. I've invested a lot here. Grow already? And as we were sitting there talking and sipping on coffee, this sweet mama went on to share even more as she said, You know, it can be frustrating because I'm doing the same things for all of them, but some of them are producing and some just aren't yet. But there is hope. As long as I keep doing what I know I need to do, knowing that those flowers are coming encourages me to keep moving forward.
Speaker 1 (00:05:04) - See, our children are like flowers. They bloom at different times. Right? Maybe it's not their season. Maybe it is. Maybe all that growth is happening in the roots. Maybe they need more of something. Maybe they need less. Our job is to tend the garden and wait. So I thought just for fun, maybe today we could kind of talk a little bit about what it means to effectively tend a garden and how those steps also cross over in our parenting. When I started thinking about starting a garden or even when you first move into a house and you know, you have this blank canvas and you're trying to figure out what you're going to plant where, a lot of times I'll walk through the neighborhood and I'll see people who are just building houses their yard, start with this barren ground. You know, a lot of times there's not even grass yet until they plant the seeds. And slowly but surely, over the months, over the years, you start to see a new plant here, a new shrub there, until you walk by the same house, you know, five, ten years later.
Speaker 1 (00:06:18) - And they've got this beautiful yard that you watched take place. But the first thing that the people who lived there had to do was to determine what they wanted to plant. And how do we do that? I mean, I personally love to scroll through a magazine like Home and Garden, but the truth is that not every plant is going to grow in every location, right? So to help novice gardeners like myself, they created what's known as a zone map. And a zone map is the standard by which gardeners and growers can determine which plants are most likely to thrive at their location. See, not all plants thrive in every location and time and resources are wasted if we don't take this into consideration. Well, how do you think that this applies to our teenagers? If we're attempting to connect with a teenager or even discipline a teenager in a way that rubs against who they are as a person, it's also a waste of your time and resources. So knowing our zones are important, knowing what situations our children thrive in and what situations they struggle with are important when considering the things that we want to plant in our children's lives.
Speaker 1 (00:07:38) - For instance, let's consider what would happen if you asked your child to go with you to a concert or a play in an effort to spend some time with them. And they're an anxious introvert. They decline your invitation, of course, but not without first rolling their eyes. And then you walk away feeling rejected. They weren't rejecting you. That just wasn't the right zone for them. Any time we're starting a garden, it requires that we're going to get down to ground level. And when we start at ground level, there's a lot of research that's happening. We're spending a ton of time thinking about fertilizers and and where the sun is rising and where the sun is setting and which plants are going to go where to be able to flourish the best. We're thinking about if the plants were going to put in the ground or annuals or perennials. It's work, you know, until finally you find the spot that you want to plant and then you start telling up the soil. And this breaking up of the ground is hard labor.
Speaker 1 (00:08:49) - But when you take the time to do it, it's so much easier for the roots of what you plant to be able to spread out through that soil. And then we start to add things in like mulch and fertilizer, hoping that it's going to give the plant an extra boost. See, before the plant even goes in the ground, you're already doing work. It's a pain. And at this point in time, you don't even know if what you decide to plant will grow. And the same thing is true with our kids. Right? Before we even had children. We chose where we were going to live, what schools they would be attending. We looked into sports for them, academic programs for them, driver's ed programs for them. We thought about vitamins and doctors and dentists and all without knowing how they'll end up doing. We aren't afraid to put in the work, even when it's hard because we know that they're worth it. So we till the soil. You know, when planting seedlings. One of the things that you're told is that you never want to let the water go dry.
Speaker 1 (00:09:56) - They say that you're supposed to make sure that you water them daily. And I think that our most effective parenting probably follows that same rule. The reason it's important is because watering is needed to activate the process of germination. You know, it softens the outside of the seed to make it easier for the plant to break through. In teens, I think of water as all the things that we do that help to strengthen our relationship, all those things that has the ability to soften up those walls that they often build around themselves. Things like being available to talk at 10 p.m. when they come in and sit down on your bed and you just want to go to sleep. I think about that random moment that they plop down at the counter when maybe you're distracted or you've just had a hard day, but you see the opportunity that's presented itself like the milkshake that you pick up for them on the way home because you know they're going to love the fact that you just walked in with a milkshake, even if they don't deserve it.
Speaker 1 (00:11:02) - It's about creating these small moments of connection with a hug or a kind word or encouragement. I think watering can translate in so many different ways, but it's also something that we have to be really careful of because when it's too much, it can actually have the opposite effect that we desire. Overwatering which is known as water logging. It ends up killing a plant. And the reason and I had to do research to find this out because I did not know one of the many things that I've been able to benefit from from this podcast is all the stuff that I've learned about plants from this episode. But water logging actually kills plants by filling up air spaces in the soil so the roots can't breathe, and that actually causes the roots to rot. Think about that for a minute. When you overwater plants, you actually fill up the spaces in the soil around the roots and then they can't breathe. What are some things that we, especially as moms, have a tendency to do that might produce some waterlogging in our kiddos? You know, sometimes it's when we become overly concerned about what's going on in our children's lives.
Speaker 1 (00:12:23) - Imagine if I were to create some space in my garden and plant something new this year. Okay? And every day I check that plant. And I'm wondering, does it have enough water? Does it have everything it needs? Maybe I'll give it a little more just to be safe, you know? Am I doing enough for it? I check it again later. Maybe just a little more. I just. I don't want to be the reason. It never takes root. How about just another little sprinkle? And before you know it, my fears over if it has enough of what it needs and whether or not I'm doing enough for it begins to cloud my judgment and I end up taking a good thing and overdoing it. In my own fears and insecurities. I think that I'm the only one solely responsible for the success or failure of this plant, and I end up filling up the spaces in the soil that are required for its growth. You have to leave some empty spaces. You can't fill them all up.
Speaker 1 (00:13:29) - In order for your child to grow, it's going to require more than you. You know, for me, this shows up when I become obsessive about something with my child. It doesn't matter what it is. All of a sudden, I see their grades are starting to slip and oh, no, they must need water. What do they need me to do? Maybe they need me to sit beside them and do their homework. Maybe I need to be the one that's checking their grades every day. Maybe I need to be the one who steps up into that role and pushes them through this season. And I'm watering and I'm watering and I'm watering. And I've never had it work out for me. I've never had it and successfully I've never had the plant take root and grow on its own. I'm constantly reminding them of what they need to do. I'm putting up every guardrail possible, trying my best to prepare the path for my child instead of preparing my child for the path, instead of facing my own discomforts around seeing my child's struggle.
Speaker 1 (00:14:33) - I'm quick to jump in and help get them out of the mess they've often got themselves into. And I call it love. But if I'm honest with myself. It's more like control. I hate feeling you guys like I have to sit back and just watch these scenarios play out. And so without thinking, I go and grab my watering can, hoping that a little sprinkle here and a little sprinkle there somehow helps to make things better. And sometimes it might. But mostly it's just a futile attempt to avoid feeling powerless. And as I think this metaphor of watering through, I'm reminded that sometimes, most times over watering comes at a cost. And then finally there's weeding. I hate weeding. I mean, is anybody with me on this? It sucks. It's physically exhausting. Backbreaking work that requires getting dirty. It's also the easiest thing for me to neglect and put off for later because I simply don't want to deal with it. But weeding is necessary. Weeding is a process of removing unwanted plants, and the purpose of the removing of unwanted plants is to make sure that we are providing the necessary space and resources for the desired ones to flourish.
Speaker 1 (00:15:59) - The goal is to create an environment that's conducive to growth and development, even if we can't ensure that that plant will grow and develop when it comes to weeding or parenting. Addressing a root cause is what's essential. As parents, I think understanding the underlying reasons behind a child's behavior allows us to guide them effectively. And in the same way, when we're able to identify the root cause of weed growth in our flowerbed. Such as poor soil conditions or lack of sunlight. It enables us to develop a more targeted plan for dealing with it, both parenting and weeding demand, consistency and persistence from us. Just as we must be consistent in enforcing boundaries and instilling values. Gardening requires that we're regularly removing weeds to prevent their return. Sometimes this process is grueling and cumbersome because it seems so futile. Right? All of that energy is required to address those behaviors that are coming up to make sure that we're setting boundaries to give consequences to actions. All that energy goes into that process. Just to have to do it again tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (00:17:22) - Next week. Next month. Next season. And yet we understand that addressing issues promptly and consistently is required to give us the best chance of success. Weeding is our part. That's our part. Weeding also involves accepting imperfections. No child or garden is flawless, and yet both require nurturing despite their flaws. Just as parents love their children unconditionally. Gardeners learn to appreciate the imperfections of their gardens. Understanding that imperfections are a natural part of the process, a process of something bigger than we are, a process of working together in cooperation with so many different elements. We have our part as a gardener and the plant has theirs and the creator has its and all are necessary in order for growth to occur. This isn't something that we can do on our own. Now, there's going to be times when actual weeding is required, when we have to be willing to get dirty to deal with the root of the matter. When we weed our flower beds, it prevents those weeds from establishing in the garden where they rob nutrients and they provide a haven for pests and disease.
Speaker 1 (00:18:52) - It's important to also realize that some weeds will not be ours to remove. Which brings me back to the disdain of my yard. Blackberries. I have several shrubs in my yard. That have Blackberries growing underneath them. Each summer, these prickly branches grow towards the sun and they make their way out of the shrub. And each year I slide on two pairs of gardening gloves and start slowly cutting back those vines. In the case of these shrubs. It's not an option to dig up the roots of the Blackberries, to pull them out once and for all, because to do so would compromise the root system of my shrubs. So I take to pruning. It's not ideal for the plant or for my fingers, but it's the best that I can do. And sometimes that's the approach we have to learn to be at peace with in our parenting as well. It's not ideal, but it's the best that we can do. It doesn't fix the problem, but at least it helps minimize the damage. Now when we walk through a garden, one of the first things that we notice is that every plant has unique characteristics.
Speaker 1 (00:20:17) - Just as each one of your children has their own personalities and abilities. Someone who's skilled at gardening, which I am not, is able to recognize this individuality and they tailor their care according to that individuality. You don't care for roses the same way you care for roadies. They're similar. But in order to thrive, we have to tweak the way we pay attention to them. The things that we look out for in them. Similarly, parenting requires that we embrace our child's uniqueness and provide the guidance and support that suits their specific needs. You can't compare what's going on with your child to anyone on social media or anyone around you. And this is a trap that we fall for again and again. You know, we hear about people's college acceptance letters and internship offers, and suddenly, instead of feeling proud that our child just got through their first week of school or treatment, we feel shame. Our plans are just different. One is not better or worse. They are just different. And each one, each one will experience seasons in which they bloom and seasons in which they wither.
Speaker 1 (00:21:40) - Different plants require different levels of sunlight, water and nutrients. These are just facts, sis. And if we want healing in our hearts and in our children's, then we must acknowledge that all children have their own diverse interests, their own beautiful strengths, and their own heart wrenching weakness. We have to stop looking over the fence, coveting the flower beds next door, and learn how to attend the plants in our garden by nurturing their individuality and helping them flourish in their own way. To find happiness in that first rosebud that appears after years of nothing and to know the value of that one. Rosebud is worth the hundreds that you have seen come and go in your neighbor's yard. Whether we're gardening or raising teens, each involves challenges and setbacks. It's entirely possible for a plant to fail to thrive despite the gardener's best efforts. Just as a child may face obstacles and setback in their development, despite the efforts we put in as parents. However, in these moments of obstacles, failures and setbacks, there are still valuable lessons to be learned.
Speaker 1 (00:23:02) - In gardening, it's easy to use those failures we experience as opportunities. You know, while we might lament temporarily over this loss of something that we desperately wanted to see take root, we're able to learn and just adjust our approach. And we need to be able to do that as parents as well. You know, we can embrace these setbacks and view them as what they are. Teachable moments. And some of our children have a lot of teachable moments and provide us with even more teachable moments. And in these moments, it's our responsibility to encourage our children to persevere and learn from their mistakes. When we develop the habit of facing challenges head on. Both our plants and our children develop resilience and they start growing stronger. The ultimate reward is the sight of a blooming garden. As parents are, Joy lies in witnessing our children's growth and accomplishments. But growth and accomplishments don't always equal big, beautiful blooms. Growth and accomplishments sometimes mean surviving a drought. Making it through a bitter winter. Sometimes growth and accomplishment means the stock is now strong enough to hold two branches without drooping instead of being weighed down by one.
Speaker 1 (00:24:29) - By working on having a more discerning eye towards growth and accomplishments, we're able to experience how even the small changes evoke a sense of pride and fulfillment. Listen, I will be the first to admit few things are as relaxing and rewarding as sitting outside in a sun hat with a glass of sweet tea, appreciating the beauty of my labor. Except perhaps the joy that I experience in seeing my kiddo reach even the smallest milestone and achievement. It's when we make a point of acknowledging and cherishing these moments, which only come sporadically, that we as both gardeners and parents find our motivation and inspiration to continue this journey of nurturing. So until next time says. Consider what you want to plant. Get down to ground level. Water regularly. Accept the imperfections in the weeding process. And use the failures you experience as an opportunity to adjust your approach. Ten The garden and Wait. Okay, friends. Well, that wraps it up for this week. I really hope that you found this information helpful and that it served you in some way today in complete transparency, I want you to know that I am not in any way, shape or form an expert in the field of parenting.
Speaker 1 (00:26:05) - No, you're not going to find any fancy initials after this name. In fact, you know, I'm just a mom like you who had to navigate some really tough experiences with my teenage kids and in my own desperate need for hope and healing in my family and in my life. I've spent a lot of time and energy researching and referencing all the things. Because if there is one thing I have learned, it's that we're stronger together. Your ratings and reviews mean so much. In fact, they can make or break a podcast. So if you found this information helpful today, would you take 60s to subscribe rate and review? It would mean so much to the mama who hasn't found us yet and to me. Oh, and don't forget to check out Pathways to Hope Network's website and be sure to subscribe. Each week we send out 1 to 2 messages that are designed to encourage and equip you as you find your path towards hope and healing. You can also find us on Facebook and Instagram. Pathways to Hope Network is a nonprofit organization with a mission to serve families with children in the juvenile court system.
Speaker 1 (00:27:27) - And we do that by providing cost free support, resources and community. The link will always be in the show notes below. Remember, you were never meant to go through this alone.