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Conflict is a part of living life. Zach and Caroline share why apologizing is a necessary step in resolving conflict and how it can help lead to restoration and a strengthening in the mentoring relationship.
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What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
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You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor. Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. It's your favorite host that's only hosted about 3 times, Caroline Tidwell.
Speaker 2:Caroline is the best, let's be honest here.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. I just really needed everybody to hear my voice again, but I'm here with my friend, Zach Garza. Whoop whoop. And today, we're gonna be talking about apologizing. Pretty basic concept if you're over the age of 5, but it is really hard still and really important.
Speaker 1:And we're gonna be talking about that today and how that applies to your mentee mentoring relationship and what the Lord says about apologizing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Because apologizing I know for me, whenever I hear the word apologizing, I think of, like, someone being, like, you need to apologize. Like, look what you've done.
Speaker 1:Like, with the kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Right? And I think it's super negative. Mhmm. But over the years, I have just seen the Lord move through apologizing.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's why I can confidently say there is power in apologizing.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because if you look at the root of apologizing, it's just like straight humility. It's like honoring someone and putting them above yourself when done right.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so the purpose of this podcast is for us as mentors when when we do screw up to take advantage of that and let apologizing
Speaker 1:Lead to breakthrough.
Speaker 2:Lead to breakthrough. That's great. That's a great way to say it.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's what it does because we have to get over ourselves and look at a child in a mentee relationship and be like, what's up? I'm a human. I mess up.
Speaker 2:That's a true story.
Speaker 1:Well, cool. Well, let's jump in. Zach, will you tell us your story about your friend, Ashley, that you were telling me about earlier?
Speaker 2:I will. For those of you guys who have listened to the podcast for a long time, you know that I was a junior high teacher, taught 8th grade health class. And there was this one girl in my class, and her name was Ashley. And Ashley was awesome. She was one of my favorite students.
Speaker 2:But, man, that girl could talk. Like, she just, like, talked and talked and talked and talked. And whenever I was trying to teach, she was talking. Whenever we were supposed to be quiet for a test, she was talking. And, as a teacher, specifically with 7th 8th graders, like, sometimes you just get worn out.
Speaker 2:Like, your patience is wearing thin, and you get kind of fleshy. Right?
Speaker 1:It's a smelly classroom too.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh. Just hormones just floating around, smells like BO. It's crazy. But one day, Ashley was just talking, and I I was not happening. And I was like, Ashley, can you please be quiet?
Speaker 2:Yeah, coach. Sure. That she kept on talking. Ashley, I'm I'm not gonna ask you again. Be quiet.
Speaker 2:Keeps on talking. Keeps on talking. And finally, I kinda got mad at her. And I was like, Ashley, you need to be quiet right now or else you're gonna have a detention. You know?
Speaker 2:I said something like that. And she came back with this smart, elegant comment, like, what are you gonna do, coach? She said something like that. And, like, I could see in her eyes that she was just having fun because that's the kind of relationship that we had, but I was just having a bad day. And in front of everyone, I slammed my fist down on my desk and I screamed at her and I said, Ashley, get out.
Speaker 2:And she just looked at me, like, what is going on? And she stormed out of my classroom. I think on her way out, she, like, took a swipe at a chair and, like, knocked over a chair. The whole the whole classroom is just staring at us. And I'm I'm still mad.
Speaker 2:So I go outside, and, man, I just lay into her. Like, I am doing the whole like, everything that you're not supposed to do as a teacher, I was doing. Like, I'm 6 foot 8. Ashley's, like, 5 foot 2, and I'm just, like, pointing down at her, just, like, berating her. Like, how dare you talk to me in front of my students like that?
Speaker 2:Like, da da da da. And I'm just laying into her. And she starts crying. Right? And as I see her crying, it, like, starts to hit me.
Speaker 2:Like, what is actually going on? Mhmm. And I just get so convicted. I'm like, man, like, what are you doing, Zach? Like, you're yelling at a girl.
Speaker 2:You're disrespecting her. She's a child. Like, she's 13 years old, and you're just disrespecting her like crazy. So I go back in and finish up teaching, and the whole class is just terrified of me. Right?
Speaker 2:And after the bell rings and class is over, and this was 7th period. Like, this was the very end of a school day. I go out and I try to find Ashley because she was still outside. And I can't find her anywhere, and I'm feeling so bad. Right?
Speaker 2:Like, I am, like, convicted. Like, the Lord is, like, Zach, you you need to go apologize to her, like, right now. So I'm, like, walking through the halls, and there's kids everywhere, and I can't find Ashley. And I'm looking, looking, looking, you know. I try to find her for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes.
Speaker 2:And finally, I found her best friend. And I was like, hey. Have you seen Ashley? And she said, yeah. Ashley's in the she's in the bathroom crying.
Speaker 2:I was like, okay. And by this time, it was about 3:45. The halls were pretty much clear. And I go outside of the girls the girls bathroom, and I I can hear her crying. And I'm just like, Ashley, it's coach Garza.
Speaker 2:Is it cool if we talk? And, like, she comes out. And I'm kinda starting to get a little bit emotional here, but she comes out and just her face is swollen up. And she's just, like, coach Garza, I didn't never think that it would be you.
Speaker 1:Like, I
Speaker 2:didn't never think that you would talk to me like that. And I am just wrecked. Like, the Lord is, like, softened my heart now. And I start to cry. And I'm just like, Ashley, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:Like, you don't ever like, no one should ever talk to you like I talked to you today. No one should ever slam their fist down in anger at you. Like, I am so sorry. Like, I love you and I would never mean to hurt you. And Ashley has her head down.
Speaker 2:And I was like, Ashley, do you forgive me? And she just, like, picks her head up and she, like, has a smile on her face. And she's like, yeah, coach. Of course I do. And that was on a Friday.
Speaker 2:And, like, I start to think about that the whole weekend. Right? And just, like, the Lord's doing work on my heart. You know, he is convicting me. The Holy Spirit's, like, having his way.
Speaker 2:And I come back to school on Monday and, like, the whole day, I'm just like, how is Ashley going to respond to me in 7th period? Like, is she going to come in? Is she gonna be mad at me? Is she going to be sad? Is she not going to say anything?
Speaker 2:And I was fully expecting it to be weird, like, to be super awkward. And so 7th period hits and I'm standing outside of my classroom saying hi to all of my students and Ashley comes running up and she's just so happy to see me. And she's just like, hey, coach. How's it going? And she's just like, tell me all about her weekend.
Speaker 2:And she's like smiling and she's like, so joyful. And that was a side that I'd never really seen from Ashley. And it was almost like from that moment, from then on, my relationship with her got significantly better. And I don't know what it was, but there was something about us having that conflict. Right?
Speaker 2:And us resolving it in a godly way That my fear was that it was it would tear us apart. But really what it did is it brought us closer together. And so I say that because mentors, like, if you mentor long enough, it isn't an if, it's a win. When things could cross with your mentee, I just think that there's an opportunity there for the Lord to move. And for it, instead of causing division and strife, it can actually bring y'all closer together.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. So I just wanna talk about the power of apologizing and what it can do and why I believe it's an essential component in every mentoring relationship.
Speaker 1:So good. Well, I think it's safe to say that we can ask ourselves the question, why is it that we fight the most with the people that we love the most? And it's unfortunate that the people that we care for and that we love the most are often the primary recipient of our negative emotions. Like, whether that's my spouse or your kids or our coworkers, maybe even the kids that we mentor. Maybe we just feel comfortable with them.
Speaker 1:Maybe it feels safe to take off the mask and be our true selves. Whatever the case, those that you spend the most time with usually see the worst side of you. I sadly know that that is true.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, it is it is nuts now now that I've been married for for a while. It's like my wife sees the worst side of me. And, like, I thought whenever I first got married that it would be the exact opposite.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And but but, like, conflict happens with the people that you're with the most.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:And, like, in some ways, I think that that's part of the plan. Like, God knows that we're gonna mess up. But in the mess up, like, there's an opportunity to use it for our advantage.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so, like, whenever the mess up happens, whenever the conflict, whenever the thing that you shouldn't have done happens, there's a choice. Do I apologize or not? And if you wanna have healthy relationships, I don't care who it's with, you better get pretty good at apologizing. Mhmm. I was driving to work this morning, and I called my I I called my best friend Justice.
Speaker 2:And Justice is awesome. Like, I just love the guy. Called him. Hey, man. How's it going?
Speaker 2:And Justice moved down to Austin about 18 months ago now, and he started to sell houses. But Justice's real passion is life coaching. Like, he is just the best encourager that I know gives sound advice, just a wise man. And Justice called me up last month. He's like, hey, Zach.
Speaker 2:I've decided to quit selling houses and just go all in on the life coaching stuff. And whenever he told me that, he was super excited. Like, he he was just so jazzed up. And how did I react? I was, like, well, Justice, did you run this by your community group?
Speaker 2:Are you sure that you're making sound financial choices? Are you sure that and I just responded the just the worst possible way. Right? And Justice called me this morning, and he was like, hey, bro. Do you remember whenever I told you that I was changing jobs a couple weeks ago?
Speaker 2:I was like, yeah, man. And he was just like, dude, how you reacted hurt my feelings because I was really excited, and I felt like you just poured water on on this fire that I had. And I had a choice. I was like, well, Justice, you should have included me in on the conversation or you should have thought about it before you like that and or I could have been like, dude, I'm sorry. I did.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. Like, I can tell that you're excited and I can totally see how my reaction kind of poo pooed on that. Right? And we talked for about 20 to 30 minutes. And at the end, like, we were both like, bro, I love you.
Speaker 2:We got to pray with each other. Like, I could tell in that moment, like, our relationship was strengthened. But this comes back to I had a choice. I had a choice to apologize. And then the Lord could restore our relationship.
Speaker 2:We could identify ways to improve. Like, Justice straight up said, hey, Garz, you need to work on being joyful, man. Like, that that is not something that I see a lot from you, which is true. And in doing that, in me working on being more joyful and more optimistic, like, I can become more like Jesus, and my relationships can get stronger. That's choice number 1.
Speaker 2:Choice number 2 is I don't apologize. And then all this bad stuff starts to happen. There's bitterness. Whenever you don't apologize, that trust that you once had, it kinda starts to fade. That trust erodes, and your relationship begins to deteriorate.
Speaker 2:Now, like, of course, all of this is conditional on the other person to a certain degree. Mhmm. But I would argue regardless of how they react, you've gotta do your part. Right? But let's assume that they're open to your apology.
Speaker 2:In the mentoring relationship, you will mess up. And when you do, we have to apologize. Like, it is a foundational principle of mentoring. Because if you don't, then your mentoring relationship won't last long.
Speaker 1:Right. And we're we're not talking, like, sorry. Like
Speaker 2:Yeah. Jeez, man. Chill out, bro. Sorry. Oh,
Speaker 1:yeah. Or, like, the you know how I am this person for my friends where I just apologize for everything, and then the apology doesn't actually mean anything. I'm super guilty of that. This is, like, true apologizing. Being able to communicate what you did that hurt the other person, Acknowledging that and then asking for forgiveness.
Speaker 1:I mean, literally, we're going back to the truly 5 year old. Like, okay. Now say what you're sorry for. Now ask for forgiveness.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you forgive them? I mean, that is truly what we're going back to of like the root of the apology, But it's super important to be able we're gonna get into this, but just being able the ability to communicate what you're truly apologizing for will transform you any relationship. But today, we're specifically talking about your mentee relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And just a couple of things to to keep in mind as a mentor. 1, you're dealing with a child. Mhmm. Even if your mentee is 18, you're still dealing with a child.
Speaker 2:So for us to expect our the kid that we mentor to be, like, mentor Zach, you really hurt my feelings whenever you spoke to me like that. Like, that's probably not gonna happen. Mhmm. So we have to be in touch with the spirit, and we have to really kinda identify what our kids are feeling even if they won't say it. So that's kinda the first thing.
Speaker 2:The second thing is there's no such thing as an apology if it includes the word but.
Speaker 1:Right. Because everything before the but is erased.
Speaker 2:Well, I apologize. But you shouldn't have talked to me like that. Right? And so focusing on what you did Mhmm. Not focusing on what they did.
Speaker 1:It's good.
Speaker 2:But apologizing is powerful. And if we let it, it can strengthen our mentoring relationships. It it really can be a good thing. Mhmm. Here's five reasons how how apologizing can strengthen your walk with your Minty.
Speaker 2:So number 1, drum roll, please.
Speaker 1:Do do do do do. I never dang it.
Speaker 2:You are the worst drum
Speaker 1:roller ever. Drum roller ever.
Speaker 2:Alright. Number 1, apologizing can make you seem human.
Speaker 1:This one is hue.
Speaker 2:Because, like, so often our kids are like they see us and they're like, man, they never mess up. Like, they're superhuman. They're perfect. There's no way that I can be like them. And when you apologize, you're putting your hand up and saying, hey, I screwed up.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. I'm I am not perfect. And that, like, there's so much power in that. Like, that is that is humility at its finest. So whenever you mess up, it's okay.
Speaker 2:Like, it is okay. Your mentee doesn't need you to be perfect. They need you to be human. Mhmm. Because once you're human, then that that gives them an opportunity to be like, man, they're just like me.
Speaker 2:Like, that's why I I love the characters in the bible. Like David. Like, David loved the Lord with all his heart, but he was a total screw up. Like, the dude murdered someone. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:But the Lord still loved him, and God still used him. Like, that's what's so crazy. It's, like, every person in the Bible with the exception of Jesus, like, God used them even when they were messed up. Mhmm. And so whenever you do mess up, confess it, and apologize for it.
Speaker 2:And just know that, like, you doing that is giving your mentee permission to not be perfect. And, like, there's so much power in that because I've seen so many kids feel like, oh, I have to be perfect in order for my mentee to love me. Mhmm. And this kind of kills that.
Speaker 1:It's good.
Speaker 2:It also like you're showing your true self, which in turn gives your mentee permission to be their true self. And, like, no one likes wearing a mask. It's so much work trying to pretend like you're someone who you're not. And so apologizing, messing up, that can kinda tear down these walls, these facades, and allow you all to be your true selves, which can help with your mentee feeling more comfortable and feeling more open and actually talking about things that they care about. So that's number 1.
Speaker 2:It allows you to seem human. Number 2.
Speaker 1:It models humility. We talked about this at the beginning, but apologizing is you being humble because it's really hard to apologize no matter what. It's really hard to recognize I messed up, But I do think it's even harder to apologize to a kid.
Speaker 2:For sure. Because, like, there are so many lies when it comes to you as this adult who's supposed to have it all together and then this kid. Right?
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And, like, the enemy wants to say, like, you don't need to apologize to him. Like, he's a kid. Like, you don't have to say sorry. Or he can tell you this like, the kid probably didn't even notice it. He he probably didn't even catch the fact that I was sarcastic to him.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 1:Or he'll just he doesn't care.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Right. Right. He's fine. He
Speaker 1:loves me.
Speaker 2:Right? Or this is a big lie. They won't respect me if I admit that I messed up. Mhmm. It's almost like this.
Speaker 2:I have to be perfect if I'm going to, like, have worth as a mentor. And, like, those are all super huge lies that can keep us from building a relationship with our mentee. If you want to preserve the relationship, if you want there to be trust and vulnerability and openness, all of which are key components to a healthy mentoring relationship, we have to apologize. We have to be able to be our true selves. We have to be able to be humble and model for our mental humility and saying, hey, look, I'm going low here.
Speaker 2:I screwed up. I'm so sorry. Mhmm. I talked to you in a way that I shouldn't have. I was sarcastic.
Speaker 2:I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. I didn't do what I said I was gonna do. Right? And, like, that shows your mentee how whenever he messes up, it shows him how to react to those issues. You're modeling humility.
Speaker 2:You're modeling apologizing. You're modeling going low. You're modeling putting someone above yourself. Those are all things that your mentee needs to learn because I promise you this world is not going to teach him that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And there's a huge chance that your mentee maybe has never seen an adult apologize before. Yeah. I mean, it could have been so easy for you as the teacher with Ashley to just be like, well, she was acting up, and I did tell her to stop. And so I'm just gonna move on, but maybe you were the 1st teacher to ever apologize to her And maybe maybe the first man to apologize to her.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. Like, I have so many people that I've heard say, I've never heard my mom apologize. I've never heard my dad apologize to me. And, yeah, there are some people out there who have never heard an adult apologize to them.
Speaker 2:And if that's going on, when they become adults, they're not gonna know that they should apologize. That's that's gonna hurt them as a professional. It's gonna hurt them in their marriage. It's gonna hurt them in their parenting. It's it's just gonna hurt them, period.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because apologizing, being humble, those are, like, key components of following Jesus and being a positive and productive adult. Mhmm. Because if you don't apologize, if you don't fess up, you're just not going to have many good relationships, period. End of story.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So the next one, we said it makes you seem human and models humility. It gives value to your mentee. You're saying whenever you apologize, you're saying I'm going low. I'm apologizing. I'm I'm doing this really hard thing.
Speaker 2:Why? Because I care about you. Because you're worth it, and I value our relationship. I think that's what happened with me and Ashley in some weird way that I can't explain. Whenever I was yelling at her and then whenever I came back and I was like, I am so sorry.
Speaker 2:And, like, the the Lord convicted my heart and allowed me to to repent and to weep with her and to say I'm sorry. I I just know that she felt special. Mhmm. Like, she felt and she might not even be able to put this into words. But that she felt like she mattered.
Speaker 2:And, like, that is something that we as mentors, I think that's such an incredible opportunity that we have is to make this kid feel like they matter, to feel like they have value, to feel like they have worth. Because for so many kids, specifically the kids that we serve, kids from hard places, they might not feel that. And, like, that is just going to impact every situation that they have. Making them feel like they matter, making them feel like they have worth. They're they're gonna walk differently.
Speaker 2:They're gonna talk differently. They're gonna interact with adults differently. It's gonna give them self confidence and self value. Those are all things that that they need, especially in today's society. I think it's so important for us as mentors to help our mentees understand that they're not a project, but that they're a person.
Speaker 2:And I think whenever we apologize, it really shines the fact that they're a person, that they are a human being worth celebrating, worth apologizing to, worth hanging out with. And, like, there's just so much power in that.
Speaker 1:That's great.
Speaker 2:Alright. The 4th one. Caroline, go for it.
Speaker 1:It creates healthy conflict which can lead to deeper and honest conversations. Just let that sink in a little bit. We all want a deep relationship with our mentee. That's why we sign up for it and apologizing can allow that tension to happen. And if there's resolution, Zach, you've said this many times on already, but it just strengthens your relationship because you haven't allowed this moment of tension or this moment of frustration to come between you guys, but you've resolved it.
Speaker 1:You've closed it with an apology, and the Lord uses conflict to restore and to strengthen. It's really easy. I see this, like, in marriage all the time where one small thing goes from the small thing, like, not putting the plate in the dishwasher to a huge thing to well, you don't help me at all with anything. And this is I'm using my personal example and being vulnerable with the listeners listeners on the podcast.
Speaker 2:Yes. Do it.
Speaker 1:Of, like, the small thing, whether and you can do that in your mentee relationship too. Like, this one moment, the small thing can go from really small minute to this huge rock in your relationship that is just so heavy and so burdensome, and you get mad or they get mad and then there's just frustration and then everyone's angry and no one likes hanging out with anyone else and then your mentee shuts down and then they stop talking to you. And this rock that has been formed in your relationship is just it's just there. But if you apologize, think about the restoration that can come when there's this rock and then you say, hey, Zach. I am so sorry that I raised my voice at you.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry that I allowed this tension and for us to just be frustrated with each other. Will you please forgive me? In a conversation after an apology about what the issue was and how you can love one another better and what your mentee needs from you, what your spouse needs from you, what your friend needs from you, whoever it is, those conversations are so healthy because the conversation goes from you didn't unload the dishwasher to I I you're my partner. I need your help. I need you, and I am asking for you to come alongside me or with your mentee.
Speaker 1:I love you so much, and you have so much worth. And your mentee then is able to speak up and say, I wanna do this more with you or I feel like you only love me when I'm succeeding.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or I feel like you are only there for me when I'm doing something good that you like. And that those conversations are so transformative because it, it breeds vulnerability. And all this apologizing breeds vulnerability. And that is what God calls us to God. God says for us to seek his face and that he has, and we, David in the Psalms also says like, Lord, like search my heart, like know me, seek all parts of me.
Speaker 1:And then God turns around and says, Hey, seek my face, know all parts of me. And then we can do that in a mentee relationship through apologizing and through being vulnerable. That relationship just goes from playing basketball every Friday to talking about deep stuff, which I just think I just think it's huge and so important, and we all desire deep relationships. Like, no one can function off of surface level.
Speaker 2:And, like, I think as a mentor, your kid's probably gonna fall into a couple camps. One camp is the, like, you don't have to ask how they're feeling because they're gonna let you know. Like Yeah. Like, I've had some kids who I've mentored who it's like, I don't need to ask if they're mad. Like, they're yelling at me.
Speaker 2:Like, I know what they're feeling. Mhmm. But then there's the other kid who he might shut down or they might stop talking. And it's like that in some ways, that's a tougher case because the kid who's yelling at me, like, I don't have to figure out why he's mad. He's letting me know through and through.
Speaker 2:But this kid who shuts down, it's like us as mentors, we we have to identify that they've shut down, and then we have to help draw the reason out with good questions, with patience, with love, with compassion. Hey, man. I can tell that you're not talking to me right now. Is there something that I said that hurt your feelings? No.
Speaker 2:No, man. Okay. Well, if the answer is no, then how come you're not talking to me? I can sense that there's something off, and I wanna make this better. So can we please work through this?
Speaker 2:Right? And just I can I can remember one another kids who I mentored for a long, long time? He would never open up. Had such a hard time. And I can remember me and him were going for a walk one day, and I was talking about grades.
Speaker 2:Because his freshman year, his sophomore year, he was making all a's and b's. His junior and senior year, he started to not. And I was getting so frustrated, mostly out of fear because I was scared that he wasn't going to fulfill his potential. And I can just remember, like, talking about grades, talking about grades, talking about grades. And then he turns around and says, how come you only love me whenever I do good in school?
Speaker 2:Am I am I not good enough for you? And here I am, and I'm like, I thought we were talking about grades, bro. Like, I thought that we were talking about one thing. But really, he was talking about this other thing that was a much bigger deal.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And just like that conflict that we had, that tension and then my opportunity back, Hey, man, I'm so sorry. Like, that's not my heart. I for sure love you just as you are, but I'm scared that you're not going to do well in school and that you're not going to have any opportunities past high school. It was that conflict that led to an authentic conversation that led to an environment of openness and and and of honesty. And like those those conversations, those open and honest conversations, like, that's what you need.
Speaker 2:Right? That vulnerability piece, if anyone's ever listened to Brene Brown, there's a Netflix special. She has a couple of books, and she's all about this stuff and it's so good. It's like everyone wants to be their true selves and we have to create an environment where you feel safe so that you can be your true self. And until that happens, it's just going to be difficult to to have a true authentic relationship.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. So That's good.
Speaker 2:So the conflict can be good. Like, it can lead to some of the best conversations that you'll ever have.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. It's not fun. It's for sure not, like, the most fun thing in the world to be like, oh, you think that I only love you when you're doing well, but it is so important.
Speaker 2:Thank you, Jesus, that we're having this conversation about, you know, like, that's probably not gonna happen, but he's working. Like, he is definitely working. Alright. So we've got apologizing can make you seem human, model humility gives value, healthy conflict can lead to deeper combos, and the very last one is it gives you an opportunity to get better. And so we as mentors should always be striving to become the best mentor for our kids.
Speaker 2:We should always be desiring a safer environment or a deeper relationship. And there's always room to grow. And apologizing, having these moments of conflict, they can expose areas where you can improve. And I think that can be a really, really good thing.
Speaker 1:It's good.
Speaker 2:One of my favorite sayings is to to repent means to turn and go the other way. And if you keep on going the same way, that's not true repentance. So we have to learn from our mistakes because we're not perfect. But confessing our mistakes, apologizing for them, and then learning from them, like, that is gonna help you become the best mentor possible. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Someone once said that you become the best at what you are doing one improvement at a time. And they've got this little they've got this little equation to do that. The first thing that you have to do is do it. Like, you've got to start to mentor a kid, but then you have to evaluate it. You have to see what you're doing well and see where you're not doing well.
Speaker 2:And so often conflict and opportunities to apologize can shine a spotlight on, hey, here's an area that I need to improve. And then the last thing is you have to improve on it. Like Mhmm. With my friend. If justice comes to me and says, hey, Garz, you're not joyful.
Speaker 2:And whenever I bring things that I'm excited about to you, you actually aren't joyful about it. That hurts my feelings. If I don't change, if I don't improve on that, then our relationship isn't gonna be the best that it can possibly be. So apologizing, healthy conflict, bad things. It just gives us an opportunity to get better.
Speaker 2:And who doesn't want to get better? Right? Who doesn't want to be the best husband or leader or wife or mentor that they can possibly be? And it takes humility. Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:A ton of humility.
Speaker 1:It's so good.
Speaker 2:So those are our five things of of of how apologizing can actually strengthen your relationship instead of hurting because there's so much power in apologizing.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Caroline, why don't you close this out with a story about apologizing?
Speaker 1:Oh, yes. Well, mine's actually about an Ashley as well, which is kinda crazy. I know. But I was mentoring 1 girl and then met this other girl named Ashley and felt like the Lord had asked me to mentor her as well. So I'm just doing it.
Speaker 1:I'm mentoring 2 girls. Haven't really thought anything about the, how the, they know each other, how they're kind of friends, how they're probably talking about me to one another, probably talking about their conversations with me. Well, I just hadn't even crossed my mind. Well, it had definitely crossed their mind and Ashley came to me one day, and we were hanging out. We were getting coffee, and she was like, hey.
Speaker 1:Why do you see Carly, like, twice as more twice as much as you see me? Like, you just don't care about me Oh. At all. And she was like, it's just very apparent that you like her more than you like me.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, you're like just thinking that you're doing a great job. You're like, I'm just killing it with these 2 girls. Like I
Speaker 1:just bought this girl like a honey vanilla latte. Like, oh my gosh. I am like just killing it.
Speaker 2:I'm just this mentor all star.
Speaker 1:And in that moment, I was like, oh my gosh. They know each other. Like, they go to college together and they it totally makes sense that they're talking about me to one another. And Ashley is sitting in front of me being like, you hate to me. Like, you have, like, said that you're gonna spend time with me, and yet you choose to spend more time with someone else.
Speaker 1:I'm like, I see you all the time. What the heck? And in that moment, it really caught me off guard and I was super frustrated and I totally defended myself where I was like, well, you understand that you were gone the entire summer and Carly wasn't. Right? And I did write you.
Speaker 1:And I'm just I'm just excuse after excuse after excuse because I'm like, no. Like, this is not fair to come at me like this. I'm an amazing mentor. And Ashley, she was, like, a sophomore in college, but she just looked at me and she was like, you don't get it. And that's what she said to me.
Speaker 1:Like, over this stupid latte. Like, you don't get it. You don't get that. You hurt my feelings. And you don't get that, like, time does matter to me.
Speaker 1:And I was so convicted in that moment. And I was like, I I had I had to apologize, but I it was so interesting because the Lord in that moment, I didn't know exactly what I was apologizing for other than like not spending time with her, but I did know that I had hurt her feelings. And so I, I just remember looking at her and saying, Ashley, I I don't know what exactly it was that hurt your feelings, but I I can tell that I hurt you. And I'm so sorry. And I want to get better at that, but I'm gonna need your help to get better at that.
Speaker 1:And I I'm going to need you to tell me like exactly what it is that hurt you. And so that entire time that we were hanging out, she was just, she just kept saying like, well, you did this with Carly. You did this with Carly and then you only did this with me. And it got to this root of she loves quality time. Like that is her love language.
Speaker 1:I hadn't, I didn't really pick up on that. I didn't super know that. And we got to work through that together of her feeling like she feels the most love when someone takes 10 minutes to go see her. She was like, you wrote me all these letters. They're great.
Speaker 1:But I I could get 10 letters, but I won't feel as loved, like, unless I'll feel more left if you come spend time with me than if you write me these 10 letters. And so it's just this this huge shift in our relationship where I was like, if I can give her 5 minutes of my time, like, I can do anything for 5 minutes. Right? I mean, you can do an ab workout in 5 minutes. This is what you tell yourself the entire time you're doing it.
Speaker 1:I'm like, I can take 5 minutes to go see her or to like FaceTime her when we're, when she's long distance, I can take 5 minutes to just see her face and she will feel loved. And our relationship has completely transformed past that apology. And she's still, we still talk about it where she was like, you didn't know exactly what it, like, what exactly the moment was. It was just this culmination of things, but she still says like you being able to just admit that I, that you had hurt me and asking for my help to get better at that changed our relationship. And so now we still, we may laugh about it now, but, I just love that because it is still an encouragement to me about how the Lord uses apologies to bring out deeper parts of ourselves, to bring out deeper hurts in ourselves, to bring out deeper loves in ourselves.
Speaker 1:And I, like now, am not scared at all to apologize to her because I know that we've built trust. But apologies apologizing is definitely not easy, but it is so, so worth it because the lord the lord has revealed himself in more ways than I can count through apologizing.
Speaker 2:What I love about that story is one day whenever Ashley gets married, you know, or even if she doesn't get married, one day whenever she's working in an office environment, like, whatever she's doing, like, she is just one step closer to handling conflict in a super healthy way. Mhmm. And, like, being able to voice how she feels and being able to confront areas that she's been hurt. Like, all of those things are great. And you were able to model that.
Speaker 2:You were able to guide her through that. Mhmm. And if that's not mentoring, I don't know what it is. So good job, Caroline.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Just always be growing. Trying
Speaker 2:my best. Hashtag ABG. Mhmm. Alright, guys. Well, thank you all so much for tuning in.
Speaker 2:If you missed everything that we talked about today, remember this.
Speaker 1:You can mentor.