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Every parent has wondered: Am I doing this right?
In a world full of parenting advice, strong opinions, and endless information online, it can be hard to know who to trust. Hosted by clinical psychologists, researchers, and moms, Dr. Leslie Roos and Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen, You're Doing It Right is a podcast for parents who want trustworthy information without the judgment. As parents of young children themselves, Leslie and Lianne understand the joys, challenges, and total chaos that come with parenting, bringing both professional expertise and humor to every conversation.
Each episode features conversations with experts about the questions families are actually asking, from sleep and screen time to behaviour, emotions, relationships, and family wellbeing. Together, they explore what the research really says, what it means for everyday family life, and how to cope when things don’t go exactly to plan.
This podcast is not about perfect parenting. It is about helping families feel more confident, more supported, and a little less alone. The are so many wonderful ways to parent and chances are, you're doing an amazing job.
~You're Doing It Right podcast was supported by funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada (SSHRC)~
Every parent faces challenging behaviour, but what if discipline could become less about punishment and more about teaching? In this episode of You’re Doing It Right, acclaimed psychologists Dr. Leslie Roos and Dr. Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen Tomfohr-Madsen explore what the science says about discipline, why punishment often misses the mark, and how connection, clear boundaries, and practical tools can help children learn, grow, and thrive.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
Okay. Soren was throwing cups of water at me last night from the bath because he was angry that I took away bath crayons he was breaking……
….And so I actually used the time out. I was like, I don't want you to throw things at me. I'm just going to step outside of the bathroom for a minute. And I was just waiting there, giving myself a minute to calm down. And I saw my husband walk past and he says, Dada, where mama? I need mama. So I went back in and he was just waiting to throw some more water on me.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
Time out backfired! He's two!
….He was just waiting.
Dr. Leslie Roos (08:38)
…..My son has a really big hard head and will sometimes accidentally headbutt me and really got me last night on the lip. I feel like I'm gonna yell at what on earth is going on here. So I need to take a minute. I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna take a little time out and then I'm gonna come back.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen (09:31)
Mm-hmm.
Show Signature
PAUSE
Dr. Leslie Roos
Welcome to You're Doing It Right, the parenting podcast that's here to remind you that even when it doesn't feel like it, you probably are. I'm Dr. Leslie Roos, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Manitoba. My work focuses on supporting family mental health and strengthening relationships, starting as early as pregnancy. I spend my days researching what helps families thrive.
And I'm also a mom of three beautiful, chaotic little kiddos, so I'm right there in it with you.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
And I'm Dr. Leanne Tomfohr-Madsen. I'm a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia. I study parent mental health, sleep, and early family wellbeing, and I lead the Healthy Families Lab, where we look at how stress and early experiences shape both parents and kids, and how we can support optimal family mental health. I'm also married and a parent of two kids, so I'm managing all these relationships along with you.
Dr. Leslie Roos
Between us, we've spent years in research, clinical work, and working alongside families trying to answer one big question.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
How do we actually make this parenting thing more doable and enjoyable? In this podcast, we're taking that research and turning it into practical, usable strategies you can try in your everyday life.
Dr. Leslie Roos
No perfection, no judgment. Just expert advice wrapped up in a hug, with real talk from people who understand it. Because you don't have to get everything right.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen (01:31)
You just need to feel a little more supported along the way. This is You're Doing It Right.
Today we're diving into a topic that comes up in almost every family at some point: discipline.
Dr. Leslie Roos
More specifically, how we move away from punishment and toward something that actually helps teach our kids to act differently in the future.
Dr. Leslie Roos
We'll talk about how to move away from big punishments when emotions are running high and toward approaches that actually help kids change behavior over time.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
A lot of us grew up in homes where discipline and punishment were seen as the same thing. Big consequences, and sometimes even physical punishment, were the model we were exposed to.
Dr. Leslie Roos
And that makes sense. We parent with what we know, trying to do the best we can for our kids. But more recent research, especially the work of Dr. Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu, shows that punitive approaches don't lead to better outcomes. They can negatively affect children's development, mental health, and the parent-child relationship, which is one of the most important things we're trying to support.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
So it raises an important question. If your child is doing something you really need them to stop, and punishment isn't the answer, then what is?
Dr. Leslie Roos
That's where the shift comes in…..
Dr. Leslie Roos
We'll…. reframe what discipline can look like, why kids behave the way they do, and what they may be trying to communicate in those really tough moments.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I always talk to parents about think of yourself as like a behavior detective. Get curious, Try to understand what's behind the behavior. That's gonna lead to a very different response and a very different strategy for you to actually guide and change the behavior that ultimately you don't wanna see anymore.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
Our guest today is Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu. She's an assistant professor and registered social worker whose work sits at the intersection of childhood adversity, mental health, and violence prevention. Her internationally recognized research spans 19 countries, focusing on supporting families in complex, high-risk environments. Backed by national research awards and real-world experience in child welfare, she brings both global insight and practical, trauma-informed expertise to her work.
Dr. Leslie Roos
.. Ashley, thank you so much for joining us today on You're Doing It Right. if you can tell us a little bit about yourself, who you are, where you come from, why you do what you do.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
Well, thanks so much for inviting me,...it's just a real honor to be able to share work, ⁓ our research, and connect with families through different platforms. So really happy to be here….. I'm an assistant professor in the Faculty of Social Work at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg. my of area of research and work is really around parenting and you know, how do we support children and families I'm a mother of two children. Hard to believe they're like now officially adults. So I've been through the parenting experience. I've learned a lot along the way. I've made a lot of mistakes ⁓ and I think that's okay and I just want to share what I can with with other parents who are going through it.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
I think sometimes there's a perception that parents should know what to do all the time or that having well-behaved kids means that you're doing a good job parenting. Can you talk a little bit to us about some of those myths that impact us as parents, as clinicians, and as community members?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
… parenting is tough. Like, we have to normalize that. And I think we have to be more honest and open about sharing those challenging experiences, because sometimes we can feel so isolated in this moment ourselves when we look around and we think that other people are these perfect parents or that they have perfect children. And then
we look at ourselves and we wonder, well, what's wrong with me or what's wrong with my children? And the answer is it's nothing. It's normal……having all this training in like child development and it's still hard….there's no manual for how to be a perfect parent….
Dr. Leslie Roos
….And there's so many opportunities there for real challenges to arise what should I do? When do I get more support for something? And like you said, to be sharing. … that shame-based avoidance of talking about the struggles that we have as parents are a reason why people often feel stressed.
And they also limit our ability to be creative in both taking care of ourselves, like, this is normal, this is okay, versus, that's such a great idea, or let's try this, my kids behave a lot better when they're not bouncing off the walls with energy.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I think there's often this myth ⁓ among parents that like, if I don't punish my child now when they're young, if I'm not like heavy, like coming in strong with the discipline when they're little, when they're older, they're going to be wild, running amok, doing all these, terrible things in society.
what we want to help parents to understand is that the best learning happens…..in those supportive moments…. when the parent is calm and the child is also calm and you can actually guide and teach your child how to behave in a different way, to correct the behavior that was potentially harmful or problematic in the first place. And that's really critical. And it comes to something that I really want to help, hopefully have parents understand is that there's this difference between discipline and punishment. there's a lot of confusion about the difference …what do we actually know and understand discipline to be and what we understand punishment to be?
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
A lot of parents feel like they're supposed to avoid punishment altogether or stay calm all the time and we know that that is not possible. Things can escalate when our kids misbehave. What does supportive, effective discipline actually look like in real life?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I've thought about this a lot. one of the wonderful things we're trying to do with our research and our work is to reclaim what discipline actually means. so somebody that I've worked closely with ⁓ throughout my training is a clinical child psychologist, Dr. Joan Durant, since recently retired from the University of Manitoba. But some of ….. the work I did with Joan was really trying to understand the roots of what discipline means.. And when you define it, it's actually about learning, knowledge, and understanding.
That's what discipline is all about………..I always think of punishment as it's something that we do to children to stop behavior in the immediate.
But discipline is actually very different. It's something that we do with our children to help them grow and develop, to learn self-regulation, and to ultimately have their own moral compass so that when we're not there in the moment to guide and shape their behavior, they have this moral compass guiding them and they're able to be self-regulated themselves.
So discipline and punishment are two fundamentally very different things. They have different goals, they have different approaches, and they ultimately have very different outcomes for children.
Dr. Leslie Roos
Those are really critical terms. I also want to, just pull a little bit on what you said in terms of punishment and control and obedience, because I think that although, we can all imagine a scenario where a parent can be, …very firm, demand obedience all the time, and that can lead to kids who might have a harder time expressing themselves or, exploring creatively. I also think that most parents would probably feel like, yeah, I'd love for my kid to follow my directions the first time I asked and to be obedient when I tell them not to do something.
What are some of your thoughts on that frame or those beliefs? Are those not okay to have any of the time? Are those okay to have some of the time? Where do we find our path through here?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I come back to language, because I think sometimes you'll hear things like, why is my child misbehaving? Or why is my child being so naughty, right? Those are very common things that parents say. But I think when we ask or we frame those questions in those ways, we're already maybe starting from a place of judgment.
…And it's a place of judgment that I myself have held. So it's not a criticism to parents. depending on the day and your own capacity and the stress that you've experienced, sometimes that's where we are in our day. And those are how we're framing and seeing the experiences with our child. But …..coming back to discipline, I'd almost invite us to kind of reframe the questions and reframe how we're seeing our children's behavior.
…and asking, rather than why is my child misbehaving or why is my child being naughty, but asking what's my child trying to communicate Is there an unmet need? Even does the child have the capacity to actually do right now what I'm asking?
…And this is particularly important when our children are young and their brains are really developing and they don't necessarily have all that capacity for impulse control or, problem solving and also emotional regulation, right? We know that that develops over time and it's developed, as we learn how to be co-regulated. So I think it's about asking and being more curious about why is my child behaving in this way? What are they trying to communicate?
…with their behavior without judgment. I always talk to parents about think of yourself as like a behavior detective. Get curious, Try to understand what's behind the behavior. That's gonna lead to a very different response and a very different strategy for you to actually guide and change the behavior that ultimately you don't wanna see anymore.
Dr. Leslie Roos
At any given point, you can sort of escalate.
…or you can hold or you can deescalate. so wanting to give parents permission that even if you've started in that reactive way because that's your natural reaction, you can take a step back at any point. Yeah, so I think that's a really important piece there.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
Yeah.
completely.
I absolutely agree with you. It's critical and like often sometimes am I bringing calm to this situation or am I adding to the chaos? and sometimes yes, you do add to the chaos because you don't have the emotional capacity to bring the calm. And I think that's okay. We have
…just the power of repair. There's so much power when we can model how to repair with our children. So maybe we didn't come to the situation with the most calm and the most rational approach. That's okay. Maybe I had a really busy day at work, I'm stressed out, I'm at the end of my rope, I had nothing left to give. But...when you do have more emotional capacity and you are in a place and a state of calm, that's a very powerful learning opportunity to model for our children, hey, I want to talk to you about something that happened yesterday. I'm not proud of how I acted. I'm really sorry that I raised my voice. This is what was happening for me and this is how I was feeling. And when we do that, when we model the capacity to apologize and be authentic,
⁓ and show that we're human, that's incredibly a powerful learning opportunity for our children.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
The power of repair is so phenomenal. It's a relatively new concept for parents and there's definitely research that shows that the power of repair actually grows child's connection and understanding in so many different ways.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I think there is often this ⁓ idea that, as the parent, you're the expert, you hold all the power in the relationship, and so you can never show weakness. And that if you apologize to your children, that that's somehow lessening your power in the relationship.
And I think that is the complete opposite in fact, because we know that when there's ⁓ a rupture in a relationship, that when we can repair that, we actually have a stronger, connection moving forward. So I think it's really important, even before you get into it with your kid, is to say, you know what, I just wanna say, I love you, I'm really glad we're here, I'm really glad we're able to have this conversation.
…Can we revisit what happened last night, Like I'm really sorry that I said the things I said last night in the moment….. I'm sorry for the way that that all played out. Next time, what can we both do differently? that's that collaborative problem solving.
…. And that's the repair. And it models so much to our kids. It models taking responsibility. I take responsibility for what I said in that moment where I was really reacting from a place of fear. It's about communicating honestly. ….
Dr. Leslie Roos
And I think that's important to highlight to parents on like giving their kids space for that. sometimes when you intervene in a intense situation, particularly if it's interpersonal between kids.
Some kids might be able to problem solve in that moment with some support or guidance and other kids might be so distressed that they're, crying. what would be your response how do you support a kid in that situation
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I love that you're asking this question because I think it really comes down to self-regulation. And we have the capacity to self-regulate some days more than others, some moments more than others, And I think that also this depends on the age of the child,
One thing that's helpful, I think, for parents to understand is children co-regulate with us as parents or caregivers before they can co-regulate on their own, I always like to think of our calm as like literally kind of like an external nervo us system for the child when they're feeling overwhelmed. And so I think modeling can really help in that sense. ⁓ So maybe one child is able to go off and regulate on their own, and maybe the other child who's struggling and is much more dysregulated needs to be with us so that we can be that external, if we're calm,
…especially when our kids are little and they're developing that vocabulary and they're trying to make the connection between those big feelings that are coming up and not yet having ways to articulate and label, one thing I think that parents can really do is help to name those big emotions. So like, I can see that you're feeling really frustrated right now.
…I know that you wanted that hockey stick. So helping the child to build that emotional vocabulary, if you will, and begin to recognize and place words essentially to those internal emotive states that they're feeling. And then after that, you can move into problem solving, but not in that moment. The child that's dysregulated, no learning's really happening there, right?
…They need to be regulated, everyone's calm, and that's where the learning happens. And I think for parents, sometimes it's hard to, you want the learning to happen in that moment. But sometimes the learning happens maybe at bedtime when you're doing the tuck in and, let's talk about what happened today,
Dr. Leslie Roos
…I don't feel like there's as much distinction between like an opportunity to calm down versus a consequence for behavior. Because I think what you often see is that kids are doing those like really undesirable behaviors that are like aggressive behaviors that are...
…destructive behaviors, challenging things when they are also dysregulated. And so a time out can be an opportunity to remove a kid from a situation, hopefully stay with them, to give them time to calm down, and then give them time to reenter when they're calm. And so I'm wondering, any thoughts on that? Like I, in my experience, they're not as distinct as like, this is a consequence versus this is a regulatory opportunity.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
Yeah, I mean, this is a really, honestly, such a, like one of the most interesting conversations I would say right now in the parenting ⁓ world realm. And I think Time Out has been sort of positioned as the more gentle alternative to physical punishment. And I understand why and why it's become so popular and it's great. It's wonderful that parents are no longer using physical punishment as the default parenting method because we now know decades of research that physical punishment is associated with all sorts of harmful outcomes for children and that there's better strategies.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
I actually feel like timeouts are being vilified and like something that parents feel like they can't use at all anymore. There's a concern that kids might feel emotionally damaged being away from parents in a timeout, but sometimes stepping away or taking a break from a difficult situation is actually a good thing. What are your thoughts about that?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
…Personally, I just feel like when I've seen time out used, … like, go to your room, go sit in the corner, think about what you're done….And for little children, I feel like that moment, what the child's experiencing in a time out is like they're being removed from connection.
…at precisely the moment that they're most dysregulated. They don't have the skills to calm themselves down yet. Otherwise, they wouldn't have done what they were doing in the first place. They don't have the skills and the capacity to reflect meaningfully on the behavior that was problematic for the parent in the first place.
…So that's sort of the issue and how I see timeout not being the most helpful strategy to discipline, again, to guide, teach, and help our children to learn and grow.
Actuary - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhAzt9QuV48
IN:00:00…
OUT: 00:48 They Don’t know how to do better Next time
Music comes in to transition us out of the conversation…
Dr. Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen:
That was CTV’s Your Morning host Lindsey Deluce talking about why some experts are rethinking the use of timeouts. It opens the door to a larger conversation we hear from parents all the time - what does effective discipline actually look like?
Dr. Leslie Roos
The thing about timeouts that I want to mention to parents is that for some people, when you think about a timeout, what you're thinking about is like, go sit in a corner facing the wall and think about what you did. Go up to your room. I'm going to close the door, like come out when you've regulated yourself. You can see how that might feel like invalidating, but that's probably not what timeout typically looks like. If you're trying to like give your child a break, take a minute. It might be, I need you to move over to this space. I'm going to be nearby like...come see me when you're not throwing things anymore. There are ways to do it that are more supportive
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
Yeah, and that's where that positive discipline comes in. So shifting the focus from punishment to teaching, from reacting to helping guide your kid through a situation.
Dr. Leslie Roos
Absolutely. And the research that we see on positive discipline is really encouraging. It's like when parents learn these approaches, when they take that like curious learning mindset, they feel like they need to rely less on punitive strategies and more on those practices that support connection and skill building. Like no parent wants to yell at their kids, right? No parent wants to be like at the end of their rope ⁓ and be like, what do I do? I need to deal with this. But it happens to all of us sometimes. So as much as we can try to like,
Dr. Leslie Roos
prevent that, respond a little bit differently more of the time. That's what we're working towards.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
… and that positive discipline has a direct impact on the parent-child relationship. And I know you're hearing this from us again and again, but that relationship is one of the strongest predictors of a child's long-term well-being.
Dr. Leslie Roos
Yes, and it can feel really confusing, especially when it seems like the approach has shifted so much. But this is where the research is actually clear. There's a really strong evidence across decades and across countries that physical punishment, things like spanking or hitting, is harmful to children's mental health and physical health in the short and long term.
Dr. Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
….Dr. Jennifer Shu is a pediatrician and author of several parenting books. In an interview with National Public Radio, she explains what the research tells us about the impact physical punishment can have on a child's developing brain.
Actuary
https://www.npr.org/transcripts/666646403
“Dr. Shu… So we know that the brain does not grow and develop as well once there has been physical punishment - to the point where it can cause learning problems, problems with vocabulary and memory….., anything that's verbally abusive in addition to being physically abusive can change the brain architecture. Basically, these are adverse childhood events that can cause toxic stress that can lead to health problems, as well as emotional problems as a child reaches the preteen and teen years.”
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
.. then parents are left asking, okay, so what do I do? Because sometimes my kids are behaving inappropriately. How do I make them stop doing that?
Dr. Leslie Roos
….Because discipline still matters. And we don't want parents to feel like when their kids are doing something that is not allowed, that is harmful, that is creating chaos for you, that you don't have options for how you jump in. Kid needs guidance, boundaries, and support in learning how to manage their behavior. And sometimes that looks like taking a break from a situation where kids are being unsafe or creating a problem…and you can be present there or you can give them little bit of space to calm down and then talk them through it.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
so let's go back into our conversation with Dr. Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
Music transition pulls us back to the conversation….
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
…. I think it comes back to language, right? And what and how parents interpret these strategies, if you will. how it's done can look very different. And I would always argue like, is there learning happening there? Is our bigger calmer brain helping the child in that moment, as opposed to just being isolated, not learning anything, nothing positive is coming from that. But again, I will say to parents,
…that you're trying your best. Some moments you have more capacity than others and I'll be upfront about it, like using positive discipline, it requires more from us as parents. It is what it is because you're actually not reacting in those moments anymore. You're having to pause and you're having to think, how can I actually respond in a way that's gonna be
…constructive and helpful, and ultimately teach my child how to manage their behaviors. Ultimately, when I'm not there to be the one to guide and put the parameters around how they should behave.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
Okay, I think that's an idea of having a bigger and more regulated brain so you can be a supportive person. As a parent, that's so critical. Can you tell me about other practical tools that parents can use from that positive discipline frame instead of punishment?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
There's no magic here, really…. parents are always like, tell me what to do, give me a tip sheet or a toolkit.
…but I think it begins with the parent. Are you in a place where you can actually step in and address the situation and regulate yourself?
…it's about taking a moment to pause. Some parents who are feeling dysregulated find that some breathing exercises will help, taking some deep breaths, grounding yourself.
…And you also ask yourself as a parent, what type of relationship do I hope to have with my child, And then if you can have those long-term goals in mind, I often encourage parents, put them around the house, put them on the fridge. When you are in those moments where you
…have to step in, you gotta deal with the everyday parent-child conflict. If you can be mindful of your long-term parenting goals, again, the type of person you hope that your child will be and the relationship that you hope to have with them, that also acts as a bit of a stop. It puts things into perspective. How I react in this next moment, is that gonna help me to get towards those long-term parenting goals or is actually that gonna make it harder for me?
…Another thing is remembering that you're the behavior detective. I know it sounds kind of silly, but getting curious. What's going on with my kid?
…Why are they acting like this today? What are they feeling? What are they thinking? Does something happen at school that I don't know about? When you get curious and you come at it with a place of empathy, it really does change how you respond and change your response in those moments. So that's kind of the strategies, if you will.
Dr. Leslie Roos
thinking about what can you do for any given developmental period, you know, sometimes talking with friends, talking to community members…. family is helpful, but adopting that…long term mindset, that curiosity is really helpful in terms of growing with your kid over time, understanding who they are, knowing how to help them problem solve….
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
And…. I think for parents is to be kind to yourself, because parents are really hard on themselves. They have high expectations….And so it's being kind to yourself and doing ... little things that you as a parent can do that kind of fill your emotional bucket and give you more capacity and bring more calm to you? And knowing your triggers. So what are the things that cause you to feel dysregulated? Sometimes like, I know for myself it's ….anytime we're like starting to be late for something, that would always...
…raise my anxiety and I would raise my voice and I could feel my body getting hotter, you know? It's about helping parents to understand what are their own triggers and being able to recognize when those start to take over… Is it that you start to realize that your voice goes up in pitch? …..Understanding your physiological reactions… It's the yellow signal telling you, hang on a minute, you need to slow down. And so for parents, if they can begin to recognize those sensations and those experiences for themselves, and also do things that help to reduce that, then they're in a much better position to respond with positive discipline as opposed to more of a punishment.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
I love that idea of those yellow lights. So what are some of those yellow lights that you experience? If you're in a situation with a co-parent or a family member, you can tap out….Can you help manage this? ….. I'm going to take a break to calm down. So I'm trying to model removing myself from the situation when I don't feel like I can bring calm in that moment. Do you have any thoughts on that approach?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
….I think it's amazing, it's a perfect approach because instead of like modeling a punitive or coercive response, you're actually modeling to your children how to problem solve and how to prioritize your feelings and that they're important and that you recognize them in those moments. That's like, those are beautiful life skills that our children learn and they see.
…in the early years and they take those with them into their lives. It becomes like their model for conflict resolution, right? And I think that that begins when they're little. And if we can continue to model how to prioritize ourselves, recognize our own boundaries, showing our children that we are respecting our own boundaries, that is such a ⁓ beautiful gift to give to our children. And again, it...creates potentially the default strategy that they use to approach conflict in their lives.
Dr. Leslie Roos
For sure. how do you want your kids to manage conflict in the future when tough things come up?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I think there's this idea that positive discipline means like no boundaries or no structure. And in fact, I think it's the exact opposite. It's a critical, it's foundational to teaching and guiding, It's about setting clear expectations. It's being consistent in how we show up.
..and it's about being deeply invested in another person's growth. And so you can absolutely be firm and set the boundary that like, hey, hitting is never okay in our family. That's a boundary. But the curiosity piece is, I see you're really angry. Let's figure out what happened to you in that moment that caused you to hit,
So in that case, the boundary still holds and the relationship between the parent and the child still holds because the child actually feels safer and more secure when they know what the boundaries are or what the limits are. So they really need from us clear boundaries and expectations, but to provide that and deliver that in a way that provides, that is warm and very clear and very consistent.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
There's a real myth out there that calm parenting means being calm all the time and that you're not supposed to show emotions. But the truth is we're human and it's okay to go back to your child and say, I did not do that the way I wanted to and I take responsibility for that. That's powerful modeling. It shows them mistakes happen and that we can repair them.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
Not at all.
Dr. Leslie Roos
…..t. It's part of modeling and emotional expression for your kids. validating, how do you respond now? What happens next? How do I repair if something did happen that's not what I wanted to do in that moment?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
completely.
emotional vocabulary is so important. It's not just like we're happy and we're sad. It's showing kids right now I feel really embarrassed. or I feel shame. It's verbalizing, externalizing our own feelings so that our children can learn that there are as a wide repertoire of emotional experiences that we will face as humans and how do we...
articulate those and how do we respond to those? That's like, that's the guiding, that's the teaching there.
Dr. Leslie Roos
…that's another thing that there's good research on actually is that kids who are exposed to a wider emotional vocabulary actually have better emotional expression and regulation a few years later. So I think that's another great reason to bring that in when you can.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
Yeah, absolutely. this kind of sounds very idealistic, but parent-child conflicts, they're to be expected. They happen multiple times every day. But if you can see them as a learning opportunity to give your child, another way to see themselves as conflict, ⁓ to be able to resolve conflict. That's a really beautiful thing.
more adults had that growing up in childhood, I think we'd see far less conflict in the various aspects of our lives as adults.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
Isn't that the truth? Is there anything else you'd want to add? Ways that parents are doing it right?
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
just to be kind to yourself is so important. ⁓ Some days we have more capacity than others and that's okay. it's normalizing the experience of being a parent and not just sharing all the good aspects, but also the challenging.
elements of being a parent. ⁓ We need to be more open and honest about that and more compassionate and kind to one another. it's not about perfection. There's no such thing. But if we want to maybe move away from punitive parenting practices, it's about practice. We're trying to create these new neural pathways in our own brain so that we can have a new default strategy that becomes our
approach to addressing those everyday ⁓ parent-child conflicts. So it's about being kind to ourselves, it's about practice, not perfection, and just being supported and normalizing the experience that so many of us around the world share.
Dr. Leslie Roos
Amazing. Well, thank you so much we had lots of good stuff to talk about.
Dr. Ashley Stewart-Tufescu
I loved it. Thank you.
Music fades in
Dr. Leslie Roos
There are a couple key takeaways that we really want to leave you with. First of all, discipline is about teaching, not punishing. We want to help our kids learn the skills that they need, not just stop the behavior in the moment, although that's often an important part of it too. Second of all, kids learn best through connection and guidance. The relationship you have with your child, that's going to be the foundation for everything. And so sometimes you're bringing that relationship in in the moment to teach, sometimes teaching is best dealt with after the fact.
Dr. Lianne Tomfohr-Madsen
And the good news is this doesn't take a complete overhaul. Small shifts in how we respond, pausing, getting curious and staying connected can make really meaningful differences over time. Perfection is not the goal here. Parenting is messy. We're all gonna lose patience. We all have hard moments. You don't need to beat yourself up over it because we all also get opportunities to repair, reconnect and try again.
Dr. Leslie Roos
And that's such an important piece. Those moments of repair are absolutely part of what builds trust and resilience in our kids. We'd love to hear from you, your thoughts, your questions, your experiences, what's been working in your home, what's been challenging. We know that all families have times when there's more conflict and less conflict, and we want to hear what your strategies are and what things are actually like. Next time, we'll tackle family anger. And remember, you're doing better than you think. This is You're Doing It Right.
Dr. Leslie Roos
Next time, we'll tackle family anger for new parents. And remember, you're doing better than you think. This is your Doing It Right.
Narration
"You're Doing It Right podcast was supported by funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada (SSHRC)."
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