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Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
good evening it's evening here in Vancouver I don't know what time it is for you or if you're catching on the replay hashtag replay if you're just just happen to be browsing through and it's already been recorded and I just want to hear from you I want to see um what you have been kind of paying attention to I do monitor this group quite extensively and I really want to give um make sure I'm giving you enough value that when you're hanging out with me you leave a more expanded version of yourself that's my intention is when you spend time with me that I'm going to be um especially if I'm doing any broadcasts right now that I'm going to be in my heart and making sure that you're receiving something hey Dylan that is really uh useful for you especially on the climb up to create secure attachments and the work that it takes to maintain them secure attachments really are what we're all about and if you're wanting to learn how to do that which means creating kind of like a safe space where relationships are nourishing that's really what this entire conversation is about this group is just for for you if you're new here I just want you to know you belong because chances are you've been in conversation about relationships and creating healthy ones you've been in conversation about healing from stress related issues you've been in conversation about uh having a purpose Beyond just you know getting the bling and becoming famous or whatever purpose it is that usually is self-serving uh creating some sort of meaning so if that conversation is interesting to you then that's why you're here and there's been a lot of new people we have like 1100 people in this group from all over the world and when we do our community events um we get to I get to see hey where you where are you from and yesterday we did our overview experience let me know if you were there or if it's something that you're curious about and what we did was everybody said hey where are you and where are you located and we had South Africa Dubai Australia New Zealand uh we had Spain we had Norway we had uh Sweden like it's so cool Dubai like Ethiopia for God's sakes like people are all over the world and we're in this conversation you're here because of this one conversation to create secure healthy attachments to deepen intimacy what is intimacy intimacy is really about the experience of feeling seen and heard hey Gretchen hey TJ nice to see you um let me know where you're signing in from because I'm curious as well and we're going to be talking about Romance this came up um this came up on a on a conversation with one of my clients today who's been dealing with stress in his relationship they've had some serious breakdowns thank God both of them are committed to going inside themselves and healing rather than what we normally do in relationship counseling where you know two people are going there to get validated by someone rather than two people using the time and space not to point fingers but to go inside and dig up what's under there dig up all of these unconscious habits and then reprogram them for what why would you want to do that well so that you can create healthy relationships that feel nourishing I can tell you one thing the reason why you want secure attachments in healthy relationships is because it creates a very big it creates a beautiful safe place at home like your home base becomes a safe place that you get nourishment from one another rather than the other person becomes draining to you let me know if you've ever had that experience hey thank you let me know if you've had that experience where you were in a relationship that was draining to you and the worst part about it is that it actually actually impacts your health that's why I'm talking about this with you today because I'm a chiropractor what the hell am I doing talking about relationships what right do I have and it's a good question um I had to ask myself that when I decided to make a pivot in my career what the hell would anyone want to listen to you talk about relationships romance all of this [ __ ] you've been divorced um what what does Chiropractic and relationships have to do and it's interesting it's it's a wise exploration patients coming in to see me stress related with stress-related disorders tension in the jaw headaches digestive problems neck pain upper back pain uh hormonal issues uh problems with moving chronic pain um and it just goes to show you that over time there's a feeling that's high coupled with feeling with completely drained yep um what happens is if you have unresolved issue issues in your relationships Unforgiven relationships breakdowns or repressed emotions or you just have packed it away and you don't talk to that person anymore there's a there's a fracture that hasn't healed and some people are living in their relationships with unhealed fractures not really knowing where to where to go if you do couples counseling oftentimes what happens is when we're so disregulated and our nervous systems are screwed we will feel unsafe in our bodies and because of the nature of the way that the nervous system works whether you're in sympathetic dominant which is kind of fight or flight or you are in dorsal vagal shutdown which is like a shutdown freeze response if you're in any one of those two states which is what happens when you're in a relationship that's really falling apart you then go to a counselor in that space and you're trying to be validated there it doesn't really work and this is why people are realizing it doesn't work and when I realized this I said [ __ ] I gotta start to offer people something more than just Chiropractic and I had to give people kind of a a pathway to actually go inside and to stop expecting from the other person and become fully responsible for your own sense of well-being and fulfillment starting from a nervous system perspective and it's working people are really having some amazing Transformations that way but one of the big challenges that we're seeing uh was what I was seeing in this one couple that I'm working with one one gentleman I'm working with him um and it's really cool because men are starting to to step up and and do some more inner work and wanted to heal themselves and become responsible for their triggers you know it's happening right and people men and it's a it's not easy getting them it's not easy getting us to look at ourselves we uh we don't like feeling weak so we would rather avoid those feelings and we just kind of like take care of it ourselves right but what what he what I was noticing with him was that I said all right so if you were to take on the role of you know like look we're going to be creating a secure attachment together what feeling would you be wanting to create with one another and then he said these three feelings he said happy excited and thrilled thrilling okay happy excited and thrilling and I'm like oh you're talking about Sparks and romance aren't you and he's like yeah that's what I want and I had a really interesting thought with him I said all right so here's what's happening you're shooting yourself in the foot you're shooting yourself in the foot if you have an expectation that your partnership should be exciting happy and thrilling okay if you're putting that on the relationship and romance you are setting yourself up to lose and give me a second before you react about what I'm saying which I understand I'm going to encourage you to kind of listen in all right because this is really important so what I want you to know is the goal intimacy what is intimacy intimacy is the experience of being seen and heard and really being known right and that is a very safe place where you the most intimate relationships that you have uh are the ones that you feel the safest to be yourself okay and what happens is is that romance is often short-lived because here's the thing romance and you want to write this down okay you definitely want to write this down because I want to help you connect this whole romance thing and intimacy because there seems to be a bit of a a disconnection here and if you don't really get this right you're going to have the problem that this gentleman had which is Project excitement and and thrilliness on the relationship and then when it's not fitting the description you think something's wrong and you then go want to find an affair or somebody else you only think that it's going to be available outside of you and so this is the commitment that I've made and I want to share it with you and see see how this lands okay romance depends on the element of two things mystery and surprise let me say that again romance depends on the elements of mystery and surprise and so this is why it's characteristic of like new love because you're just getting to know someone oh my God so romantic
it's like surprise right that's kind of what romance is right this is new love this View and for good reason we see it in movies uh we see it in music in stories it's all about this new love this romance we have this addiction to this fantasy right and here's the thing romantic feelings are evoked by being surprised by signs of love of belonging of loyalty and significance let me say that again romantic feelings are be are evoked by surprising signs of Desire I want you belonging you belong to me I'm yours you're mine okay belonging you belong to me we belong together right loyalty you're my one and only like it's like you are the the person in my life you are my person so significance sorry loyalty and then the fourth one is significance you mean the world to me okay you mean the world to me you are my one and only you belong with me and I belong to you and I want you those are four things there's a whole shitload of neurochemicals that [ __ ] fire off in your brain when you get that let me know if you know what the hell I'm talking about significance belonging loyalty and desire this is what romance is right and romantic feelings are evoked by surprising being surprised by these elements of Desire belonging loyalty and significance right and romantic fee here's the key here's the here's the interesting part you can have Romance and have zero intimacy you can meet somebody on a train and you just all of a sudden within few hours are like oh my God you belong at it you can just say and evoke these feelings but have no intimacy not really know them not having feelings of known so romance and intimacy are like you can have one completely without the other yes let me know if you know what the hell I'm talking about if you've ever had a romantic relationship but it wasn't really intimate maybe somebody you had a fling with down the you know you did a you did a trip to Europe right you did a trip to Europe or you know I could just imagine this I this movie that comes to mind when I hear about this is uh it's the one with uh he was on a Ethan Ethan Hawke and Julie delpi uh something in Paris uh Vienna I'm not sure it was in Vienna like an overnight one one night or something it was a beautiful romantic movie but they didn't really have an intimacy with one another they didn't really know one another that that's just a movie that comes to mind if you know what the hell movie I'm talking about please say and I can't remember for the life of me okay so here's the here's the interesting thing as we come to expect in a relationship you start dating for a while you start to expect what was previously a surprise romance starts to decrease okay when you now expect what was previously a surprise romance will naturally decrease because it's not surprising you know you don't have mystery and surprise anymore so romance starts to fade but here's the interesting thing this is why there's such a problem for long-term relationships right as as psychological intimacy because it's like being intimate with somebody psychologically is a function of being known this experience of intimacy reduces this Mystique of the other there's no surprise or Mystique anymore so the romance starts to die so as intimacy goes there's an inverse relationship as your intimacy goes up with somebody you don't have as much surprise and Mystique and so the the as that goes up the romance starts to go down now so how do you solve this so what's the solution well first understand what the hell's going on right Ethan Hawke Before Sunrise that was it you got it Kathy you nailed it thank you it would have bothered me if I didn't if you somebody hadn't said it so thank you so here's the key check this out this is this is the take home point for you okay and some of you are like have gone through breakups already some of you are like going through a divorce Andrea I see you what's up sister some of you are going through separation and so this is very important for you to get now so that you can start this again I only wish somebody told me if I like right now we've been talking 15 minutes this 15 minutes if I had somebody 15 years ago tell me this it would have changed my life because this is what I learned this is all when you learn about healing your younger self the inner child when you when you learn about your nervous system like you want a healthy secure attached relationship great start with your [ __ ] nervous system stop looking outside of you for that person stop stop stop because if you whatever the space that you're in in your nervous system that's exactly who you're going to attract that's who you attracted before because of the level that you were at you resonated perfectly with that nervous system you want a secure attachment stop looking outside of you and start to uh up the level of your nervous system resilience and capacity become trigger proof make that a priority heal with the younger parts of you that you've abandoned learn how to uh regulate your own anxiety okay now all of a sudden if somebody told me this 15 years ago it would have probably saved me I I did a calculation with my client today not knowing this cost me probably about 750 Grand in the last 10 years about 750 Grand in divorce fees and uh like trying to numb myself with dating and all this stuff like like so much in the last 10 years uh you know and and I work hard right you work hard and for it to go to lawyers and divorce and it's heartbreaking man it sucks and so if I just would have invested that into my nervous system and gotten the right training to be who I am now then I would have saved me but then again I'm not regretting anything because everything happens for the right reason at the right time and so I get to have this conversation with you to maybe save you a few bucks not just the box that's not really what it's about it's the heart it's your heart and so here it is this are you ready this is the last part of it are you ready for this this is the most important part okay so the deeper okay so the deeper and the more mature Your Love gets okay the more likely that romance that was all about mystique and surprise it now becomes a function of write this one down situational surprise instead of a characteristic of the relationship like oh it's a romantic relationship we have such a romantic relationship don't let it be a characteristic of the relationship but rather a function of situational surprise
situational romance okay situational surprise situational demonstration of what desire belonging loyalty and significance so let me sum this up for you in a very simple thing if I want to have a romantic relationship with my wife or you want to have a romantic relationship with your wife or husband or partner then it's not for you to say I want you I want them to be romantic to me so that you create so that they create you create those feelings in me it doesn't work that way if you want a deep mature secure attachment that's kind of long-standing then romance becomes less a characteristic of the relationship and more a function of the situational surprises that I invest to create belonging significance loyalty and desire I want you You Belong To Me
you are my one and only and you are important you matter I want you you matter you I belong to you you belong to me and you are my one and only those elements are all little freaking hormonal blasts into the your partner's nervous system that you can create rather than you have to expect and the more deeply mature the love that I have for my wife as it grows because it's just been a year so it's going to go through its stages but if I sit here and look for thrilling if I look for uh you know shoving a baby we're going to have kids and you remember what it was like when you first had kids in their first year if I'm sitting here expecting um thrilling happiness uh uh excitement and I was projecting that onto her I'm basically setting myself up to fail I'm setting us up to fail does this make sense does this make sense to you let me know if any of this is landing better when I have like a zoom call you know I like these Transmissions but if I can see your face and some of you you know they'll in the group calls and stuff there'll be tears or you know or you know like whatever I I just want to know is this Landing for you because I want this to be very useful for you romance is short-lived because of our expectations because of our misunderstandings of what romance should be and when I sit here what it is is mostly just a fantasy a one-sided fantasy of Happiness excitement and thrillingness that we project onto somebody else not realizing that romance is actually a demons like it's a it's it's evoked by being surprised by signs of Desire belonging loyalty and significance when you and it's it's very common in new love easy to do right because we're all [ __ ] crazy in that time we're not fully sane especially if you're on a trauma Bond yo if you know what I'm saying like you're just so those are the ones you got to watch out for when those like you are like oh my God like I am so [ __ ] attracted to you like that love at first sight it's often a trauma Bond it's often a pulling to the familiar you're energetically tied with somebody who has the similar wounding to one of your parents and you're so attracted because it feels like home so I've had to go through a couple of those and it was uh pretty amazing um that lands the fantasy does exactly Caleb especially for you Mr Caleb I'm working with you and you're in that you're in here for all the right reasons and all the right uh you're asking all the right questions that's why I really love working with you I love working with men and I'm not a relationship coach that's not what I do I'm I just teach people how to regulate their nervous systems and to co-regulate with others I I create a container this community is a container for healing which I get to be kind of like a little bit of a conductor for but it's you that does the healing you are the you are the hero and I love being the guide and so it was so meaningful for me yesterday to do the overview experience if you were there please uh explain trauma Bond I will um I've talked about it before but I'm happy to go over it again but yesterday uh I got to do the overview experience and that is a five hour Deep dive into the Forgotten parts of ourselves it's the University of you it's um probably the most heart-opening experience I call it the overview experience because it's not just you taking a course or an online program you're actually dropped in and you're transported into an experience of recreating of seeing your story from the perspective of the Matrix of unconsciousness that you were born into and you get to break free from that you literally get to unchain yourself and unplug from The Matrix and then observe yourself as a uh uh an unconscious participant that thought that they were in control or they actually weren't and it's the process of reclaiming that personal Authority that's what healing is it's the process of reclaiming the personal Authority that you never really had and you didn't even know that you didn't have because you were really so stuck in in an unconscious um Matrix is the best word I can use I've even used a little scenes from the movie The Matrix when Morpheus meets Neo and says are you going to take the red pill and wake up or are you going to take the blue pill go back to sleep it's very similar um Neo says something in the movies says I don't really like the idea uh I don't like the idea of me not being in control and he realizes that he never was and his journey is about reclaiming his control and and knowing that he is the one and so that's pretty much your journey as well and so it's a really neat metaphor I get to be Middle Eastern Morpheus um yeah it's a PhD in you it's definitely a PhD in you explain trauma Bond uh yes absolutely I'm going to explain that um trauma Bond basically it is when you get together with somebody okay let's say let's say you and I um are hanging out and we're going down in the down an elevator together and all of a sudden there's an earthquake and we for like 10 hours are stuck and we're fearing Our Lives Carrie we're in the elevator together boom and we're fearing Our Lives we both have gone through an emotional roller coaster a concoction of all these hormones just firing up in our bodies together and we experienced it together and now we've formed a trauma Bond we're bonded through trauma okay and so those are oftentimes the types of relationships we get into when you're think about it you got together because of trauma like I mean I remember how many times of my my after I was divorced I met a an amazing young woman who would just left her partner a month before I did she had two kids she left her partner just before I just a month before I did I left my partner and boom we were together in the midst of a trauma Bond and the trauma bonds that we get into kind of like boom you've gotten together in really heightened emotional situations let me know if you know what that's talking about what I'm talking about there the characteristic of a trauma bond is is that it is it's highly dramatic because of the emotional kind of ups and the downs and the push and the pull and the back and the fourth and the exhaustive you know passionate you know relationships often are a repetition of an old complex from childhood that's unresolved and the the purpose of a trauma bond is to meet that part of you that you dissociated from to help complete that cycle so you if you have a broken kind of relationship with your you know father or something as traumatically fractured that incomplete kind of follows you in your psyche and you're drawn and uh you have a compulsion to repeat that so that you can do it right so that you can actually do it right this time and it's an opportunity to heal and so it's most of the time it's an unconscious toxic type of relationship but it's usually bonded because of a previous trauma because of a trauma or a previous uh incomplete with a family member so that's a trauma Bond hopefully that um you're hot in your cold exactly morph into a healthy Bond yes it can absolutely Andrea it totally can great question um Can it yes if both parties are dedicated to using the relationship as a spiritual practice spiritual practice for what well to re-parent the wounded inner child and the adapted adolescent inside of you so your your journey Andrea I know you you shared with me you know what's going on in your relationship situation it was funny when you met me too it was at the women of iron event and you said you said uh you're Persian aren't you I can tell by your eyebrows and it just so happened that your ex your ex is also Persian so I was like oh great I got I already two strikes against me Persian male you're like oh and I could see your body language is like who is this [ __ ] right so it was it was pretty entertaining for me to to take that on right away um your best bet like right now where you're at you're maybe at a base camp of another climb because I was there two years ago when I had just broken up and I was like what do I want I want a healthy secure attachment okay I want you to look at it this way you want a healthy secure attachment and that's kind of like hiking up a mountain I use Mount Everest because I just really like that and so in Mount Everest you have a base camp and then you're going to have Camp one Camp two camp three Camp four and then the summit so your journey from this point of a breakup in a relationship even though you can't see it your wisest your wisest story your why is this a course of action would be to right now write out the ideal scenario no I don't want to use the word ideal write down what a secure attached relationship will feel like to you what do you want to give and what do you want to receive from it okay how do they feel when they're around you how do you feel when you're around them get very crystal clear with this this is what I did two years ago and I'm in the midst of one right now so I'm telling you everything that I'm sharing with you I've walked that path before in that space where you don't see any [ __ ] light it's all Darkness you outline the imagery of what it would look like when you get that future self that that secure attachment and now your job will be you're at base camp your job would be to go and heal as you're climbing to heal those unconscious wounded younger parts of you that you've abandoned in service of this Matrix of the upbringing that you were in you were raised maybe in Germany right so there's you've had you know you and and in this process you're healing your family system too you're going to look at your parents we did this yesterday we did a very powerful part of one of the workshops that we did yesterday was we have people who are super duper angry with their parents like this is one of the first things that we're working to kind of untangle I knew that when I went through my last breakup I was like [ __ ] I know exactly what this is about out I'm moving in with my parents to get complete with them because I have so much anger and resentment that I thought I had let go of but it was still in my body so your work is to actually go and heal those family systems where you the scapegoat were you The Golden Child what what what kind of system what role were you playing uh your job is to kind of go in from an overview perspective observe yourself in the cycle observe what your parents went through we did a very powerful exercise where we actually got in and did a little meditation yesterday where we went and empathized with the unconsciousness of our caregivers our parents in earlier wounding scenes that were difficult for us to Bear we first took care of ourselves put the oxygen mask on us because I guide everyone in the overview experience we all kind of go together it's pretty powerful then uh then after you're fully resourced and you have your little wounded child then you're sitting next to them and you're looking at your parents and you're saying you know and you're teaching that younger part of you who thought that they were Unworthy of Love why mom and dad had to behave exactly as they did and why it all made sense and some massive healings happen one gal Jenna Jenna were you there you remember um Jenna basically said uh this is the first time I've been able to look at my father without resentment it's pretty powerful so your work then is you're in base camp and you're going to go back and heal all of those systems you're going to see a an adolescent part of you that was maybe bullied in school or a younger part of you that was abandoned or went through some sort of an abuse if you just fill in those gaps and start to work at reconnecting without those missing younger parts of you within three months six months you are in a completely different space the world around you is resonating something totally different the relationships around you start to change because it's a virtue of what you're giving to yourself it's very powerful and that is a climb there'll be base camp and there'll be challenges along the way you're going to want to get up you know the first part might be to just kind of like base one would be to forgive yourself of the guilt of actually leaving that might be you know base camp number one sorry uh Base number one you know who knows everyone has them we're all we all have them and that's our hero's journey and it's a real cool thing for me to guide other people through so I really wanted to drop in and share what came up from a call from one of the gentlemen I was working with and I thought it'd be very valuable to you the difference between romance and intimacy and how to actually um how to be the one to create romance that's really the key the ending kind of if you're just jumping on right now make sure you go back and and watch this but uh to husband who are both extremely wounded yeah cool so what you want to do just go back to the beginning and watch this again I'm telling you you don't want to miss out on this it's life-changing stuff it would have saved me hundreds of thousands in in fees and uh heartbreak you know from a mental health standpoint and a physical health standpoint would have saved so much if somebody taught me what this lasts if I could just sit down for 35 minutes and listen to somebody tell me what I just told you so this is my gift to you and you know exactly what to do um and yeah let me know if you have any questions a couple of things couple of announcements I have please put these dates in your calendar right now uh breath work and badassery people want to know where do I begin with this inner healing work and I always teach people you start in the breath so June the 21st Sunday June the 21st is breath work and badassery it's from noon to three put that in the calendar send me a DM I'll send you a link it's only 20 bucks and you're gonna get a deep um understanding of where to begin right and if you have any other questions or you just are like look Nema just teach me how to how to do this I'm ready to heal I'm ready to create that secure attachment and I want to come along the ride with you and I'd love your guidance send me a message for that and or any questions you have um and I'll do I'll do a transmission for you I'll write I'll write it out excuse me I will do a a Facebook live to answer you I'm here to serve the community how do you evolve Hey Brother Ricky how do you evolve from a secure attachment to secure attachment taking a U-turn by being so frequent freaking anxious in between okay how do you evolve from secure attachment to a secure attachment when taking a U-turn by being so freaking anxious between yeah good good question you what you do Andrea is you heal the root cause of that anxiety you're in what I call transitional anxiety and this freaking anxious in-between part of you isn't coming from right now there's a younger part of you that's calling to you for help for assistance and doesn't want you to keep kind of like distracting yourself with relationships with success with all the things that I used to do to prevent me from actually taking care of me for me it was always another woman I would be dating or distracting myself with flirting and getting that validation or becoming really important and successful those were the two ways I covertly was avoiding the real work which was to to reclaim my own personal Authority rather than be so driven by outside validation and that's all of our work the dance like we don't care who's watching to be so embodied so knowing of who we are so um purposeful that we show up in the world with an open heart ready to give not from a place of neediness and fixing and looking good but from a genuine place of actually wanting to care and contribute to other people and then when you do everything kind of falls into place for you the prosperity takes care of itself the feelings of like love and affection take care of itself because I feel so loved right now I feel so cared for I feel so supported I feel so seen I feel so prosperous I feel so heard and I know that has that has only come on the other side of me just taking carving out a Sacred Space to really make that a priority to give to myself and it takes courage and I'm I'm really um touched by the ones who have taken it on and I don't take their uh I don't take your attention lightly the fact that you take the time scrolling through Facebook or whatever you're doing to actually pay attention that's why I drop as much value for you as possible because you know it's a privilege to have your attention and I don't take it lightly so I want to make sure I drop something that you're just like wow so that you come back and you get more value I know that I just focus on that the Universe really has been taking great care of me and because I'm taking care of it through you this is my gift what's your gift you have a gift if you were to learn how to First regulate you and take care of you all of a sudden you're gonna wake up one day look around and all of these people who are like begging you for your gift because it is in abundance and it helps people to see themselves it helps people to to to alter their experience of life so that it can be more uh connected that's really what what we're here for I'm grateful that you took the moment to to listen let me know what would be useful for me is let me know two things what let me know what was most impactful for you in this conversation and number two to if you know somebody who's been struggling with this kind of in a separation limbo then they need to come and and invite them into this group and tag them in this training and feel free to ask questions and I'm here to serve see you tomorrow at the next perfect time