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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:I do have emails for today, but what we just wanna say is that you need to know never to talk about sex on your podcast unless you want a whole lot of emails. Oh my goodness. I can't even. Oh my goodness, peoples. I feel like for right now, we're just going to set some of that aside, and I'm going to answer some questions that were asked a lot and other things we'll talk about later when the husband comes back on the podcast and talks with us because that's entirely appropriate.
Speaker 1:None of this is a secret or a surprise, and we've been very public about our stuff, obviously, since the beginning of the podcast. So even as our journey in healing, if that's what you're gonna call it, continues, we will keep being authentic in that way. But also, none you. It's not anybody's business other than what we choose to share. So the, oh, the emails.
Speaker 1:Wow. Wow, people. So some very general guidelines that I just wanna put out there. Just some suggestions. You do you, boo.
Speaker 1:But just some suggestions. Number one, I would really rather that the community not turn into a dating site. That's not what it's for. I don't feel like that's safe. I'm not comfortable with it.
Speaker 1:I will not keep the site if that's what happens because I am not going to be responsible for that, and that is not its intended purpose. Number two, be wary of the DMs. I would stay out of the DMs as much as possible unless you know someone really, really well, like through the live Zooms or have met them in person. Just don't do the DMs. Be very careful about DMs.
Speaker 1:Number three, joining the community is a two step process. One, you get into the community like the network itself. That's the Mighty Networks platform. That's what we use because we don't want it to be like Facebook. We wanted something different.
Speaker 1:So you have to get onto the platform first, but then to actually be in the community, you go and join different groups. And it is within the groups that I would highly suggest you stay. It is safer there. We're able to moderate that, and there are many of us who will only respond to posts inside of the actual groups. So those of you who are posting outside of the groups and not getting much support, that's part of why.
Speaker 1:You've gotta get into the groups and post in the groups. And then we are much more able to reply there because it's safer and more contained and more moderated. And it is about therapy, not finding someone for dating. Also, I am not looking for nothing. That is not why I shared that information.
Speaker 1:That is not why we talked about this podcast. I am talking about the piece by piece episode. That was just a natural response to things that were naturally coming up in therapy. It was not like an advertisement. Wow.
Speaker 1:Okay. I did also get a message from someone who asked specifically, quote, I don't mean this in a bad way, but more as for the community, quote, what is in the water of this room kind of way? Because has some kind of contagi gay hit the community or what? Guys, we wanna be a safe community. We wanna be affirming of people, and in that way, it's entirely appropriate.
Speaker 1:But no. It is not a relationship site. It is a relational healing in that we need others to connect with safely, not sexually, although safe sex is also a thing. We need ways to connect to people safely for healing. That is different than connecting with people or seeking out people for dating.
Speaker 1:That's a different thing. And the piece by piece episode was about how we can do that even with transference without eroticizing our relationships. That means loving people without having sex with them. That means caring for people without reenacting old trauma drama of ways that you have been violated in the past and pushing boundaries like that with other people. It is tricksy.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of pieces. If you need to listen to those layers again, you can go back to that episode. But the whole point is for people to be safe. I also wanted to give a shout out to Sofia who gave a donation to the podcast who said, the this is the most creative, amazing, heartfelt, eye opening embodiment of a book and podcast that I have ever experienced. I read the whole book in two days.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness. I don't know how you could read the book in two days. Someone else said this in the community too, that they read the book in a morning, and someone else listened to the whole podcast in three weeks. There's no way I could do that and actually absorb the relational aspects of it. So y'all gotta slow down, cowboy.
Speaker 1:You gotta take your time and be gentle with yourself and really absorb and reflect, not just catch up on the like, it's not a novella. This is real life, and this is real therapy. And to absorb those lessons, you need time and space. And in fact, pacing is one of the things that we talk about over and over again. So a shout out to Sofia for the donation.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for the encouragement and kind words. And for those of you who are pushing through all those episodes, it is not about the content. It is about the experience and the relationships internally and externally, and that takes time and space. So please slow down and take care of yourself. This is actually a very common thing, especially with clinicians who have lived experience and also with people who are newly diagnosed to just dive in and try and absorb everything that they could find cognitively because processing cognitively can sometimes for some people be easier than processing things affectively or emotionally.
Speaker 1:But that's going to overwhelm your system in ways you aren't even aware of because you're not slowing down enough to hear or feel information coming from those other parts. So just an encouragement for pacing, for relationships, for safety, for all the things. Tyler says, I'm a grad student. Oh, I don't wanna say what state, just in case, for privacy. They say, I've been especially interested in learning about trauma, DID, and parts work therapy since before I began my grad program.
Speaker 1:My mother is an MFT with a heavy focus in this work. I follow the DISOC listserv to learn about others as it came by recommendation. I just wanted to tip my hat to your work on the podcast. I enjoy listening to and learning from your experience living with DID. I've been listening to it during my commutes to work every morning.
Speaker 1:I hope to hear more from you. Well, thanks, Tyler, and welcome. I hope that it is helpful. I am excited that new clinicians are listening just because in some way, I hope that helps us be better clinicians and, even experienced clinicians. There are things that we can learn from lived experience in safe and healthy and appropriate ways, and I'm glad that's been helpful.
Speaker 1:Thanks for writing in. Melissa says, an update. A lot has happened. The app for the DID OSDD systems is nearing beta testing, and we registered the project as a nonprofit in Canada. Among the services we are preparing is an e magazine geared towards clients, professionals, and those willing to learn about trauma related disorders.
Speaker 1:We read your article on plurality. It was so well spoken and really made us stop to think of how complex the concept is. It's so important not to jump to conclusions. Thank you for this insight. As for the Real Eyes Nation magazine by multiplied by one org, are you interested in writing an article?
Speaker 1:This is exciting. I am excited for your project. I know I think this person was on the podcast a year or two ago, and I'm excited that your app is coming forward and making progress and that you're doing this emagazine. I am not doing any more writing projects right now because we did a lot of very intense writing over the quarantine period. And so we are taking a break from that right now to recover, so I'm not available for new projects at this time.
Speaker 1:But thank you so much for thinking of us, and we wish you success. And hopefully, maybe there are people listening who wanna participate. Thanks for sharing the update. This person writes, in your piece by piece episode, you talked about finding safety in relationships and how you had felt safer with women than men in those relationships. There's also been research about whether trauma causes people to be gay or not.
Speaker 1:How do you feel about that, and what do you think? Oh my goodness. That is a big question. So I don't first of all, number one, I don't know anything about this research. Second of all, I do know that we can't generalize.
Speaker 1:So not all people who are traumatized grow up to be gay, and not all people who are gay have also been traumatized. That being said, I am sure that any kind of relational trauma from either gendered parent is going to affect future relationships with that gender, no matter what those relationships look like. And so that is significant, but not necessarily causal. Does that make sense? But if you want to look up that research, I would suggest looking up actual research.
Speaker 1:Like, this is just a podcast. Right? And so I don't even wanna speak to that. What I can say is that there are many of us, whether we have same sex attraction or whether we identify as gay or people in the GLBT community who are also trauma survivors, I have spoken or heard from many of us who say that one of the layers that's really a struggle is people assuming that we're part of that statistic or those numbers of that research or not. And so it's kind of frustrating because then people can use that sometimes to sort of invalidate the experience we're having internally, or we can invalidate that ourselves by trying to excuse it away because of that.
Speaker 1:I I I I don't mean that we're actually invalidated. I mean, we can feel like that. And we can have survivor guilt. We can have other kinds of guilt feelings. We can feel like we're not gay enough or straight enough or anything enough because of the impact of trauma.
Speaker 1:And so there's so much stigma there, not just in research and not just in communities, but also even in ourselves that that can be really heavy to carry. And so I feel like that is something that is a big topic that is maybe separate enough from what we're actually doing on the podcast that I'm not sure I can address it right now, or it could be something we do as a topic in the community or that we talk to someone specifically about. But I don't think it's something that I can do justice to compassionately and answer right now in this context. Does that make sense? So I would like to pause this one and it'd be one of the ones we come back to later.
Speaker 1:This one says, we listen to your piece by piece episode, and we don't understand why you and your husband can't just be poly. Okay. Well, because we're not. Like, we're just not. It just I don't know.
Speaker 1:Why isn't my hair purple from birth? Like, it just isn't. That's not who I am. It's not who he is. And the boundaries of our relationship are such that that's just not a thing.
Speaker 1:Practically, I don't think I can handle anything else. Like, I'm just not that available. What I do think is possible is that within the context of communication, which Polly is very good about as well, and within the context of boundaries, which is just part of our marriage, within the space of those boundaries, I think that we can do a really good job of meeting our needs in all kinds of different ways. And I'm not talking about sex like, guys jump to sex so fast, and there's so many other pieces of intimacy and of relationships that don't have anything to do with sex. And I'm not saying sex is bad.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying there's so much more to who we are and to skin hunger and to relational hunger and to that desire for attunement and connection. There's so many layers to it that don't even approach sex yet or that don't have anything to do with that. That is just one tiny piece of what is a result of intimacy. And people are using that in some of these emails I've gotten in the last few weeks. People are using sex as a replacement for intimacy or instead of intimacy.
Speaker 1:And that's not the same kind of thing. Now if that's your thing, that's great. I am not judging that in any way nor am I saying sex is bad. But I am saying for me as a person, not even about like the context of my marriage, for me as a person who we are as a system, there is way more to sex than just the sex. And in fact, I think taking care of these other layers and tending to these other layers makes sex way better.
Speaker 1:And so when you're just jumping so quick to the sex all the time, there's so many pieces and layers that you miss before you get there that it's really kind of cheating yourself on some of those other experiences. But I'm saying that in the context of myself. It's so hard to talk about because everyone's so sensitive to it and because everyone has their own needs and preferences. I am not at all judging anyone else's needs or preferences. I'm saying that's why that doesn't work for me.
Speaker 1:What we talked about in piece by piece, those issues and those layers were not even really about sex or who I'm having sex with or who I'm not having sex with. It is about all these other connection and intimacy layers that happened before that or naturally as a response. And there are lots of very positive and healthy and safe ways to meet those needs within the boundaries of our relationship in really beautiful ways, like deepening friendships that I have found and opening myself up to be vulnerable and to tend to others in ways that don't have anything to do with sex. So that's what the piece by piece episode was about. And while some people do poly and they communicate about it and they have good boundaries that work for them, that's lovely.
Speaker 1:I'm not judging anyone. I'm just saying that's not for us and not what we were actually talking about. And in fact, only doing that is just going to bring the same problems into more relationships and bypass, like, avoid dealing with it here. I'm not trying to avoid it, and I don't need to add it to other problems elsewhere. I need to sort it out here.
Speaker 1:And what that will look like for me or for us will be something be specific to us as we continue to learn and heal both of us in our own ways and with all of those layers. Does that make sense? So, like, if nothing else, if you look at my life and the podcast and the community and groups and the friendships that we have worked on building. Like, there's so many people involved internally, externally. Like, I really don't need to add to that.
Speaker 1:It's just I I just nope. That's a capacity issue. It is not a judging anyone else issue. It is a capacity of myself issue. In the community, Ellie says, a funny moment.
Speaker 1:In the episode, husband goes to therapy. He's talking about DID is a protective system, and this is why it does this thing. And I thought, oh, that's so good, and went off into my head and missed the next part. And then Sasha said, it just went gobbledygook, and she knew he was talking, but she didn't hear it. It was like we had the same moment.
Speaker 1:Isn't that a coincidence of dissociation? His wisdom is too great to take in all at once. Right? Seriously. I'm so grateful.
Speaker 1:And he also said this happens because DID is protective. We must protect us from the wisdom that may have overwhelmed us. Oh, it's rough. Right? It's rough.
Speaker 1:I think I think that's even part of what happened with the piece by piece episode. There was so much in it that people heard sex, and they were like, what? And then tried to go back and listen to their own layers and then heard something else and they were like, what? So like every time people listen to that episode, which it is already the number one listened to episode, it's like every time people have listened to it, they got one more piece and then sent me 10 emails. So I cannot even tell you how many emails from that episode.
Speaker 1:So I think this is a similar thing, but that's exactly right, Ellie. That's exactly what happened. That's so funny it happened to you at the same time just while you were listening even. That's funny. Kate says, the new bike episode.
Speaker 1:I am picturing you in your boots and skirt shorts trying to ride a bike and playing in the snow while recording a podcast. Thank you, Jean Marc, for sharing your adventure and ice cream therapy analogy. Hope you found some salsa that day. Oh my goodness. So embarrassing.
Speaker 1:You guys, when that happens, it's really hard to leave them up. I am embarrassed. Sometimes I don't see it until after it's already aired, and I'm like, how did you even move things around? That is cheating. Other times, I just see it and I know it's coming and I dread it and I dread it, and then I pretend it didn't happen, or I'm just embarrassed when it happens.
Speaker 1:But all the feelings, that was that was epic. And I guess, though, what has been eye opening about that is that as we have been making progress to start seeing healing there, because I know those wounds were so deep with him, And they have really struggled with losing our previous therapist, and they have really struggled with losing those friends. And if I had known what was going to happen, we never would have talked about it on the podcast, any of it, I think, because it was too private and because those are real people like in now time. But we literally were not understanding. And so it's like because the podcast was a part of us, that attached cry just bled over into that.
Speaker 1:And I'm so sorry it was so messy. I am sorry to those people that I talked about so much publicly. I am sorry to listeners who had to go through such a dark season with me. I am sorry to those parts of me who struggled in ways that we didn't understand what was happening. But also at the same time, all of those feelings were valid and that journey was authentic and those experiences were real and the lesson of how to tolerate my own feelings and how to pull through to the other side from that darkness, I wouldn't change that for the world.
Speaker 1:And to and I think the most beautiful thing that came out of the most deep, dark moments of that whole experience is the community. Like, the community is the phoenix from the ashes because what I lost was community that was promised to me falsely. And what I experienced was the depth of grief just from being alone. And so in a way that maybe was healthier and more appropriate and also honor the good pieces of those people, I guess, is that the community has evolved out of that. And so I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Speaker 1:The cost of the community is not about how much the Zoom lines cost or how much the website cost or how much the books cost, like none of that. The cost of the community was those two years. And I don't say that lightly, but if the community is what we got out of it, then that is worth it. And that is a gift that is absolutely in the honor even of Jean Marc for rescuing in healthy ways people. Not rescuing people, but going on rescue missions to help people help themselves, to help people find each other.
Speaker 1:We just had this week some community members from Australia meet up in person for the first time, and I saw the picture, and it made me weep. It was so beautiful. And that is why it was worth it. That is where the healing is. That is what makes everything okay.
Speaker 1:Dandelion says, episode 351, attach cry. I listened this morning, and I'm still sitting here stunned by the timing of this episode. Attach cry is not a term I have heard about, but it first brought to mind what I have been feeling about therapy lately regarding how I feel toward my therapist and how I feel so frustrated with myself. I have been very conflicted about trust, who to trust, when to trust, can I even trust myself, who is safe? All of these questions, you know how it goes.
Speaker 1:But in thinking about this, it has really led me to feeling isolated. Sure, maybe trusting nobody is safer in some ways, but it's also just as difficult as trusting someone and potentially being hurt because people are people. So because of this isolation, I've made connections and this is something I shared with my therapist this week. I was feeling extremely anxious about how she was feeling regarding what I said. So with a little more than five minutes left in the session, I asked her to tell me what her thoughts were.
Speaker 1:And instead of answering the question, her response was that she was thinking about making sure I am grounded before leaving session. Her advice to my issue was to practice mindfulness, and that really hurt for some reason. Oh, oh, oh, no. There's nothing wrong with a therapist making sure someone is grounded before leaving session, but hearing her avoid my question and focus on getting me out the door in a safe way left me feeling rejected. And here I am right now wondering if maybe my last minute question to know what she was thinking was an attached cry.
Speaker 1:And the word that keeps coming up for me is disgust, because I quite honestly feel so disgusted with myself for that possibly being a motive. So I'm gonna come back to this because I think I can answer part of that, but we're gonna come back to it. The rest of her post says, this then reminded me of when my mom used to drop me off at my grandma and grandpa's house when I was little, and then I wouldn't know when she was coming back. Sometimes dropping me off or picking me up in the middle of the night. I used to sit on the couch looking out the window and watching my mom drive away, and I would just sit there, not crying, not talking, but watching and waiting.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness. That was like my entire pandemic experience was a reenactment of that, thinking my friend was coming, thinking the therapist was coming. I can't even talk about that. And my grandma started to have activities ready so I could just jump into them rather than waiting at the window. Waiting at the window was something I only did at the beginning, and then I stopped worrying about when she was coming back because the timing of coming and going never made sense to me as a child.
Speaker 1:And for some reason, because of how troubling the month of June is, I really I am really sure that there's a connection and misattunement. Oh, you got there on your own. Good job. Good job, dandelions. I am really sure that there is a connection and misattunement as a child, feeling rejected, dropped off at a relative's home, and feeling as though there's nobody to trust, including myself, and hoping and hoping that my therapist pulls through and really helps me with the symptoms I'm dealing with and be trustworthy.
Speaker 1:Now that's just it. I was so hurt by the response that I've started to think I have to take care of this on my own. Maybe that's where the healing is, or maybe the healing is bringing all of this to therapy and expressing how I'm so confused by attachment and trust that I feel disgust with myself for all of that. This episode really gave me words for things I didn't know I needed. Thank you so much for this episode.
Speaker 1:So part of what happened here in dandelions is what you talked about, the misattunement piece. Right? You were asking a presence question, her thoughts in that space with you about what you were experiencing together. But what she expressed was problem solving. She wanted to make sure you were safe before you left your session.
Speaker 1:So there was misattunement because you were asking for presents and what she gave was problem solving. And so it was a rupture, but I think if you take those pieces to therapy, in this case, that's a rupture that can be repaired. And the attunement comes with expressing what it is you're needing specifically or the repair after. So I'm interested to see how this went with you, and I hope that you were able to talk about it more in group or talk about it with your therapist and see. But it sounds like it was the rupture itself is what was the trigger that brought up the other layers, like you wanting the presence of your parent, but the problem solving being they are having to go do whatever they're going to do and all the layers that come with that.
Speaker 1:Right? So it was a rupture that brought up memory time ruptures, which goes back to, like, the still face video. Right? Because there was misattunement. And so when you needed presence, but what you got was problem solving, you then went back to memory time where there were other times that what you got was problem solving instead of presence, which left you feeling like you are the problem.
Speaker 1:And that's where the shame from the misattunement comes. So that's a relational trauma issue both in now time and in memory time that I think would be great material to work out in therapy and to work through both for memory time stuff and also for now time stuff so that you can know how to ask for presence or problem solving, and your therapist can know whether you're looking for presence or problem solving. Does that make sense? That's so deep and rich. There's so many layers to that.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing with us. Brooke says, the newest episode number 356 with Kathleen Adams. Her presentation was our favorite of all the presentations at ISSTD. Wait, Brooke. Were you at ISSTD?
Speaker 1:Did we get to see you, or were you watching virtual what? Did we miss getting to see you, or you were you watching virtually? Number one, we need to know that. And then the rest of their post says, we have watched it more than once. Oh, so it is virtual.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I need to read what you're saying. I'm sorry for the misattunement. So we are excited to listen to this episode. So here's the thing about this episode.
Speaker 1:It was kind of a fascinating experience because we asked to interview her. She consented to be interviewed. I asked one question, and then she took off. Like, if you notice in that episode, like, I never say anything else. She just talked for an hour.
Speaker 1:It was amazing. So she was presenting instead of doing an interview. So there are so many new concepts, and some of you talk about it here. So let me read the responses. Mars said, I did not experience it in live time.
Speaker 1:I am halfway through listening to the episode and already had a mind blown experience. Big wows. I'm so glad it was helpful, Mars. Dandelion said, we tried to listen and had to take a break. Mars said, I had to take a break too.
Speaker 1:You guys, it was so intense. I almost like, there was almost no editing because I just couldn't. So, yeah, I'm with you. I many, many breaks, and I still couldn't edit. So I just got it up the best I can.
Speaker 1:Andy said, nineteen minutes left, and I had to pause to let my brain breathe. Wow. It doesn't even begin to cover it. Dead thoughts versus suicidality felt good to hear. Less terrifying maybe.
Speaker 1:Right? That's really big stuff. Brooke says, same everyone. We are like two thirds of the way through and still taking breaks. Heavy stuff.
Speaker 1:Unpretending says, I can't work out why every single episode these days are so timely to our system because you're learning and growing, and this is hard work. It is deep work. It is intense work, and you're doing it. You are doing it. It is evidence that you are healing, that you are progressing, and that is amazing.
Speaker 1:As far as the content of Kathleen Adams, there was so much there, but one of the biggest pieces for us was at the end when she gave the example, I think it got our attention because it involved a fire. So that's something that we pay attention to. It's part of the narrative. But in this case of the story that she was telling, and we're going to come back to this in future episodes, but in the story that she was telling, she was talking about a survivor or someone who was lying or had been accused of lying or both or something, but it turned out that she was like, in her brain, it was not about bad behavior lying. It was like her brain was using a metaphor to try to describe what had happened in her experience.
Speaker 1:And the more I have thought about this, the more I think it goes back to relational trauma and people who don't know or recognize or acknowledge relational trauma. Because relational trauma is invisible. And so unless you know what it is, it requires metaphor to speak about it, and it requires metaphor to explain it or to describe it or to allude to it. And so when we are in black and white systems, whether that is caregivers with their own poor object relations or whether that is in, like, religious trauma settings or whether that is with family members who are on the autism spectrum but not doing the work of healing or whether it is just someone with super rigid boundaries, there's no room for nuance. And when there's no room for nuance, there's no room for a metaphor to be real enough to explain or convey something that is invisible like relational trauma, which is also completely valid even though it's invisible.
Speaker 1:Does that make sense? So I think that piece was really huge for us. And our biggest takeaway from this other than the pieces that have already been mentioned. And so I think we are going to come back to that piece in other episodes, but I wanted to share that. This message says, I've got to be honest because it will forever stick in my brain if I don't tell you.
Speaker 1:But as a classically trained musician, I really struggle with the out of tune piano in your podcast intro. Not only because of it as out of tune. Okay. So first of all, let me tell you, there's nothing I can do about that. I'm aware that it's out of tune even if I may not be as aware as you are.
Speaker 1:That piano was my great grandmother's. It has been moved 800,000 times. A piano tuner is not going to fix that piano. There's nothing we can do about it. But what I can tell you is the day we recorded that intro, like six years ago, was the bravest day of our life, and I have zero problem with it being on the podcast because it is a postcard in time with all of the flaws that it is.
Speaker 1:So you just hit that skip button or the forward 30 or whatever app you're doing to skip the intro. You don't have to listen to it. It doesn't hurt my feelings, but I don't feel like changing it right now because it means something to me even if it sounds terrible because that is every day of my life inside, and I am just gonna be okay with that. They also said, you may or may not be aware that it sounds eerily similar to some of the background music in the movie Sybil. What?
Speaker 1:Okay. It is not at all I don't know about Sybil. It is I mean, I know what Sybil is, the story or whatever, but I have not seen the movie. I have not watched it yet. I've never had, like, the courage to watch that yet, and it is not from that movie or the soundtrack.
Speaker 1:It is a song without words version adaption that is not the Mendelson one. And that's all I have in my head right now because the music is not in front of me, but I can tell you that's what it is, an adaption from one of the songs without words, but not the Mendelson one. So that's where it comes from, not in any single movie at all, and it's an adaption that's in public domain, so I had permission to play with it on the podcast. That's all. That's that's all it is.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry that it was triggering to you. Definitely don't listen to it if it bothers you so much. Obviously, it's your podcast, but I have to fast forward through it to keep my brain calm. Someday when I get rich, I would send a professional piano tuner your way. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's not gonna solve anything. You just keep skipping. That'll work. This is funny that someone sent not funny. It was not funny, but it just is.
Speaker 1:But someone else wrote, and I did not say the email because it was even harsher. It was much, much worse. But it talked about how I should not be singing because my voice is so terrible and that I need to stop singing. It was a whole email about this. So let me tell you, Same thing.
Speaker 1:Just don't listen. Like, the songs are almost always at the very end. You can just stop. You don't have to listen to the songs. Okay?
Speaker 1:I know I am not the best singer. That doesn't hurt my feelings to say. I am a deaf person. I have cochlear implants. I I think the fact that I can even speak is phenomenal, and I am okay with that.
Speaker 1:And I have no qualms saying I am proud of myself. I have no qualms saying I may not be the best cellist. I may not be the best on guitar, and I'm still learning how to work the fancy apps and mix apps, whatever they're called, that everyone else learned how to work at the beginning of the pandemic. I'm just now learning how to do that so that I can do harmonies or more than one instrument even if the husband isn't home. I am not the pianist.
Speaker 1:I don't have the fanciest pianos. I don't always get the recordings correct, like how to adjust the microphones so that my voice can sound fierce instead of breathy or so that you can hear the music and the voice or or or make it consistent by recording in one place instead of sometimes in my room and sometimes in the closet and sometimes at the out of tune piano in the living room or sometimes at the church piano or sometimes at the grandparents grand piano or like, I'm sorry. It's not consistent. I have DID. My voice is not gonna be consistent anyway.
Speaker 1:My skills are not going to be consistent. My sound is not going to be beautiful ever. Okay? I'm a deaf person with DID. But you know what?
Speaker 1:We are having a blast. And you know what? It is expressive. And you know what? I'm okay with that because I am learning to accept myself, learning to accept all of me, and learning to feel my feels.
Speaker 1:And I'm okay with that. And so if you don't like the music, you know what? You just stop. That's fine. It's not gonna hurt my feelings.
Speaker 1:I'm not even gonna know. Also, I don't care, but I'm not gonna know. Okay? So if you don't wanna listen to the beginning or to the end of the podcast, skip it. I don't wanna listen to it because I've heard it 8,800 times.
Speaker 1:Right? So when I have to listen to the podcast with a therapist, I'm like, please skip the intro because it's so embarrassing because I worked so hard to sound so chipper or inviting or welcoming, which is not how I feel when I do a podcast. When I do a podcast, I feel terrified because I'm being vulnerable and because I'm offering something that is from within me, which I feel is no good at all to anyone, except I'm daring to believe that it is. So at least I'm out here and at least I'm trying and at least it's real. And for me, that is enough.
Speaker 1:And for me, that is progress. And for me, those are my choices. I'm using what I have. I can't put art on a podcast because you can't see it. I can't use sign language on a podcast because you can't see it.
Speaker 1:And I'm not gonna do YouTube videos because I'm not a YouTube person. I'm not gonna do a podcast YouTube like all the other cool podcasters who also put their videos on YouTube because I don't wanna edit two things. I don't have time to edit two things. Okay. So I'm okay in my corner of the world doing my thing, and I'm not really gonna be influenced by what other people think I should do or not do.
Speaker 1:So maybe I'm getting bolder. Maybe I am blending with parts of myself that are a little more protective. Maybe I'm just getting really good at boundaries, but I'm just gonna say, you do you, boo. If you don't wanna listen to the intro, if you don't like my piano, if you don't like my singing, you don't like the end, just skip it. I'm not there for a context.
Speaker 1:I'm I'm not. It's not a recital. We're just sharing what we have to share as we learn. And for me, sound is a whole new world, like a brand new world as in just now accessible to me. So I am playing with music for the first time even though I have studied it on paper for years and years and years.
Speaker 1:Fun fact, I was actually a music major in college as a deaf person. Who does that? Nobody does that. It's redonkulous. Okay?
Speaker 1:But to me, music theory is math, and it is beautiful, and it is a language to me. And I love it and I play with it and I'm okay with that. And one of the things I loved about the husband was that he had this amazing innate capacity for music that he has also worked very, very hard for. So music in our family has become very important. And as we adopted the children and they were in foster care and had all their big feelings and we did all their songs when they were little, that was a thing because it was healing for us.
Speaker 1:And so for us, music is very powerful and healing. And I have friends now that I share music with or learn more music from them that I didn't know before because I have these new cochlear implants that work like incredible technology. I can't even describe what it is to go from having no sound to learning what sound is, to learning how to make meaning of sound, to learning how to access sound, to learning how to create sound. So what I think is that no one's gonna take that away from me, are they? No.
Speaker 1:To me, it is special. To me, it is sacred, and I'm gonna keep it. I'm not gonna put music on every single episode. And even when I try, it's not always gonna be the best. But it is me reaching, and it is me living, and it is me breathing, and it is me expressing.
Speaker 1:And all of that is movement, and all of that movement means I'm alive. And so I'm okay with it. And I'm just gonna keep putting it out there. And maybe now I'll put it out there extra just to make sure I'm bothering you. Like, your email bothered me.
Speaker 1:No. I'm kidding. I'm gonna do it because I want to, because it's meaningful to me, to us, to parts of me, to parts of us. And if music is one way that brings us together in a literally integrated experience where one part can play this instrument and another part can play this instrument and another part can sing this part and another part can sing this part and we can mix it together on the computer, you know what? That counts as therapy, and I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1:And if it's fun besides and not just talking about therapy, then that's a good time, and I'm okay with that too. And those of you who do like music, you need to go to Sunday Stories where sometimes they're having talent night or show and tell or something where other people are sharing their music too. And I think it's beautiful and wonderful, and that's just not gonna stop because I'm pro beautiful, and I'm pro wonderful, and I'm pro music no matter how it sounds. And that's all I have to say about that.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing.