Basic Motivations Webinar 2024

What is Basic Motivations Webinar 2024?

Every culture (family) has distinctive motivations for doing things, but they all have definite pattern and logic, they all provide order and direction within the culture (family). We need a valid cognitive styles model to help us understand the motives and actions of other people, to predict behavior, and sidestep conflict.

Michelle:

They still they still think you you love them, so I know it's not going to

Connie Smith:

Well

Michelle:

turn them away.

Connie Smith:

Yep. Whether they do or whether they don't,

Connie Smith:

I

Connie Smith:

I have to in love Yeah. Truth to them.

Michelle:

Yep. Hi, Carmen.

Connie Smith:

Oh, I see Carmen's here. Hi, Carmen.

Connie Smith:

Hi.

Connie Smith:

I'm so excited for each each one of you that have signed up for this. And I'm so excited about getting to know each of you a little bit more.

Mike Banker:

Yeah.

Michelle:

I'm just excited to sit in and enjoying your talking.

Connie Smith:

Well, I just enjoy you. I'm very glad you're in on this because this, I think, will help you a lot. You're you're going to meet in your face to face with a lot of different kinds of people, and and the kind of things that you're doing are not things that can that take a long time. They they are a momentary, almost day by day or hour by hour, some of these that you meet up with and have input. Yes.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. It helps if if you can identify quickly what kind of what kind of presentation they need.

Michelle:

Yes. Yes.

Connie Smith:

So

Michelle:

so we already have been thinking some of the things that we are dealing with. These, tools are very helpful.

Connie Smith:

And that's what they are, are tools. They're not absolutes. They're not, messages from God. I think God, helped us helped us to be developed. Yes.

Connie Smith:

And I think God is the one that can use it. Yes. But, again, it is not part of PR. It's a separate tool from PR. Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

But it is a a tool that PR, can utilize if there is a safe helper edge.

Michelle:

Yeah. Hi, Donna.

Connie Smith:

Hi. Good morning.

Connie Smith:

Hi, Donna.

Connie Smith:

Guess it's not morning for you.

Michelle:

Good evening and good morning to you. Yeah.

Stone:

Hi. Sorry. There was a small group gathering, at my place. I just sent them all. So

Connie Smith:

Yeah. Very good.

Stone:

Yeah. It's it's called Healing Group.

Connie Smith:

Uh-huh. Like that.

Stone:

Yeah. Yeah. It's all the people who experience PR, and we get together, and we have this healing group. And we read Richard's book, and we read scriptures together. It's a very safe and supportive environment.

Michelle:

Wow. Very good.

Connie Smith:

Very good. Praise god. Good.

Mike Banker:

My goodness. I

Connie Smith:

think Are we all here?

Mike Banker:

Vivian's not coming because she's in a typhoon. Oh.

Michelle:

She really? Any like this. Has a typhoon. That's right. Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

Right. Oh, wow.

Mike Banker:

Typhoon Typhoon right now. So

Connie Smith:

K. So we pray for safety for everybody.

Michelle:

Mhmm. Yes.

Mike Banker:

I don't know if if, Randy's coming. I don't remember his message from yesterday, but, let's see. Who else are we missing?

Stone:

I don't receive any message from him either.

Mike Banker:

K. Alright. So let's see. Randy, Vivian. Wasn't there one more?

Mike Banker:

Gala. Gala. That's right. Gala's, Gala's on her way to France or in France or something.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. 1 or the other. We are. So

Mike Banker:

We're all here. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

Alright.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. I don't have any housekeeping things, I think. Is everybody getting the email with with the recording? You're getting that okay? Yeah.

Mike Banker:

Alright.

Connie Smith:

I haven't talked a bit, but I got it.

Mike Banker:

Alright. So I I did, I am I think I mentioned this yesterday, but I am shortening, but by cutting truncating some silence. And so it won't be as long as your recordings if you're, and then I'm chopping off, like, the chitchat at the beginning and Yeah.

Michelle:

Good. Yes. That's good.

Mike Banker:

Mhmm. I'm not otherwise, I'm leaving it unscathed.

Connie Smith:

You're not censoring. Is that what you're saying?

Mike Banker:

Yeah. Not not much. Okay.

Connie Smith:

Should I, Mike, Mike, should I record also?

Mike Banker:

You can. It'll be that way we have 2 copies.

Michelle:

Oh, I I find

Mike Banker:

they moved the record button under the more thing. So I did find where the record is now. So Oh. Fully equipped. Used to have the record button.

Mike Banker:

It was always on the the bar. But, so, anyway, I'm I'm good. But having duplicates, I think, is a good idea. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

Okay. Okay. I'll do the video also.

Connie Smith:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

Oh, I'm not allowed to do it. Okay.

Mike Banker:

Oh, you're not allowed? Okay. Only one can. Okay. I got it then.

Mike Banker:

Oh, if I allow you, then, this might

Connie Smith:

Yeah.

Mike Banker:

Okay. Mine's still on, so I think we're both good now. Okay. Alright. Let's see.

Mike Banker:

Who hasn't prayed yet? Has everybody prayed so far? Oh, let's see. Stone looks tired. Let's have her pray.

Connie Smith:

Good call.

Stone:

Okay. Dear heavenly father, thank you so much for this gathering time, and, we invite holy spirit to lead us and guide us, so we can celebrate your the information from you. And we open our heart to you to our anointment, inspiration, and, let us have very good communication and interaction with each other. Let each of us, like, inspire one another, and we can all enjoy this beautiful time. And also put put protection.

Stone:

And over this time, the all the devices, all the Internet will work smoothly. And, our loved one, and our our possession, family members will be all under your cover, your coverage. And, lead us and we let us just enjoy those beautiful precious time. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

Michelle:

Amen.

Connie Smith:

Alright.

Michelle:

Now,

Connie Smith:

do you feel like you're getting enough information every day? And make sure that you're, you are unmuted so that you can be sure and re respond to my questions. Okay? It helps me tremendously if I realize you actually are following me, and I'm not just talking to a bunch of pictures. Alright.

Connie Smith:

No problem. Okay. So, we had an assignment. I I began to feel yesterday that it was time to start putting a little bit of things together. And so rather than giving you, another continuum right away today that we would spend time, going through the homework and, offering up if this person is this way in these three categories, then what am I going to have to, do to make sure?

Connie Smith:

And this will depend on what you're you're, tending towards, if you're tending towards holism or if you're tending towards dichotomy. Okay? So let's, you'll have to be in charge of the list because my set of people keep changing. So I can't go by who's on the screen, and I don't have everybody on the screen. So, Mike, if you would just take care of that part Right.

Connie Smith:

Go down our list.

Mike Banker:

Okay. Well, Michelle, looks like you're you're up.

Michelle:

Okay. I'm the first one.

Mike Banker:

Yep. Your lucky day.

Michelle:

My lucky day. Well, I was thinking of my, one of my sons. So, the the first is, I was just looking up the the notebook. I didn't print it out. So I'm using my phone to look at so I can Just give me a second.

Michelle:

Usually, I use, iPad, but today, I'm using iPad for the okay. Got it. Got it. Okay. So first set is, the time and event responding to time.

Michelle:

My one of my son, the older son, is very time oriented. So, for for example, if we if we are doing something I'm I'm on the the other side. I'm the event oriented person. And, so growing up on the field, it was very frustrating for him because I tend to just go with the flow, not not planning, not keeping the the time schedule with the culture that we live in is also very event oriented. So it was hard for him until I think when he was around 10, he expressed his frustration to me and my husband.

Michelle:

So that was a wake up call and we had to adjust to be more attending to his orientation. So that that's one. And, in the dividing part, he is a dichotomy, and he's very black and white. But as he's maturing, I could see he's also growing his gray, his nonjudgmental side. But he's very quick to, observe, making observation and then putting things in box.

Michelle:

Very have the sense of this right thing, wrong thing, in the world. Like, things and people.

Connie Smith:

And you see what and you see what's happening there as as he matures, his boxes are getting bigger.

Michelle:

Yes. Yes. So he

Connie Smith:

he hasn't changed the orientation, but his box is allowing

Michelle:

for us

Connie Smith:

a little bit more.

Michelle:

Mhmm. Yeah. I remember, you know, growing up on on the field with different MKs together. He would have sometimes have a very hard time with someone who was very different from him. Very hard.

Michelle:

But now as they are young adult, I can see that he loves those people. And I just sometimes I joke, I said, remember when you were little old? You were so just could not bear with them the the way that so different. Right? But now I can see that he's maybe yeah.

Michelle:

The best way to put it is his box is getting bigger. And the deciding part, he's very directive. So recently he just started his after his master, he started a research job. But the first two weeks, of his job, his boss was gone on vacation. And so I said, how is it?

Michelle:

You know, he's like, oh, this is so hard because the boss kind of just left him alone to start the new job. So I I kind of now after we the seminar on this, I I understand better why he said it's hard. And I said, well, just enjoy it. Your boss trust you and they're paying you and you just enjoy it. But he for him, it's not enjoyable.

Michelle:

You you could rather have clear direction. So that's just one example I can give plenty more, but no need to take too much time.

Connie Smith:

I mean, you've done exactly what I asked you to do, and I can probably say that for all of you. But where you are and when you have interaction with and where they are and with the tool, you're able to see that this is not a character flaw. Right. But that there is a reason for it, and we can help him then begin to either add more categories in the dichotomy end of things, we can either add more categories or help him broaden the categories that he does have. And that's going to be how we can best communicate with him.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. It's not

Michelle:

like thing is is very, interesting is my the other son was so opposite.

Connie Smith:

Right.

Michelle:

And they love each other. They live together. So I think They

Connie Smith:

work together as a team

Michelle:

and all of that.

Connie Smith:

But every time they have a conflict, it's most likely based on one of these components.

Michelle:

Yes. So this is going to be helpful when I, you know, talk to them. I can share some insights with them.

Connie Smith:

And even our prayers become different

Mike Banker:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

For them.

Mike Banker:

True. True. True.

Connie Smith:

Even our prayers for them become different because we're now not standing in judgment that God needs to fix them in some way, but that there's there's just different ways of praying for people. Alright? Very good. Alright. Any comments from any of you about what she said?

Connie Smith:

Something that you need more explanation for or what?

Mike Banker:

I I'm just amazed at her ability to be to see these things so clearly. I think that's, I find that amazing. I

Connie Smith:

I I struggled. Right.

Mike Banker:

But,

Michelle:

anyway Well, maybe my son is just very, you know, typical on the

Connie Smith:

I was curious how you could tell on a 10 year old already. I'm my kids are grown, so I never looked at that. But

Michelle:

Well, you know, back then, we we were just doing ministry. We were so all work focusing and they was good kids. They were just following us. But I think at one time, he just expressed he said, mom, this is so hard. Every day, you don't tell us what to do.

Michelle:

Every day, we would be, we did not plan, and then we would be taking them, dragging them here, visiting this village, visiting this family, or, you know, hosting people, all that. He just he it's hard for him. And when he expresses frustration, then we become more aware as, okay, we need to tell them as much as we know. As much as we could, we would tell them today possibly, we will be doing this or possibly these things will happen. Okay.

Connie Smith:

These things are very apparent. Once the child has developed enough of personality to so that that you can oh, let me back that up. That one didn't come out right. So scribble out that one. Once a child develops to the place that they can express themselves in a way that we can see and begin to understand, that's pretty young.

Connie Smith:

Right?

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

This is an excellent tool to work with the terrible 2 year old, the terrible twos. You can observe so much.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

You know? And, in anyway Yep. If you're aware, all all this is is an awareness of why is my child reacting in the way he's reacting.

Michelle:

Yeah. I can give you very, example of my other son who's selective. When he was even a baby sitting on high chair, if I give him a spoon of food that he could just open his mouth, no, he will not do it. He would use his finger, pick up the food, put it in his own mouth. And I always wonder, why do you have to do that?

Michelle:

And as a toddler, in the morning, I put clothes on for him. He would know. He would choose his own clothes.

Connie Smith:

There you go.

Michelle:

And and we joke about it. We said, oh, you're just, you know, a little boy. You you care about your look. It's not about he doesn't care. Until today, he's a young man.

Michelle:

He doesn't care his about his look, but that's how he is he likes to choose.

Connie Smith:

That's a perfect example. Perfect example. And so you pick you pick 2 outfits that you're perfectly good for him to wear that day, and you put them out and you say to him, 2 year old even, which one do you wanna wear today?

Michelle:

I don't even pick out. Let's just let him go whatever he wants.

Connie Smith:

That. That's alright. But when he's, you know, 12 years old, you can't just you you you kinda have to decide a little bit about I mean, you can only let him wear that dirty shirt so many days in a row. I did get a compliment.

Michelle:

That's another story. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

I I I do have to make one off on that. My son is, much more right sided as you're looking at the at the continuum. More right sided than my daughter, but this is not a comparison between the 2. But he wrote me a poem for Mother's Day as an adult. And one of the things that he expressed, which evidently I got right, was the love that came to him from me letting him wear after it was washed, letting him wear one shirt until that you could actually, literally see through the material.

Connie Smith:

But I let him wear it until he was done wearing it. And I don't even remember that, nor do I remember, my reasoning at the time other than the fact, well, what do I care what he wears as long as it's clean? Even though I am one who is very, very much as we'll learn a little later, very much for the appropriateness of what you of what you're wearing. And so, anyway, I've always thought that was that was fun. That one of the ways that he knew I loved him was the fact that I allowed him to wear this shirt until you could actually see through it, and he decided he didn't wanna wear it anymore.

Connie Smith:

So well done. Okay. Who's next?

Mike Banker:

Carmen.

Connie Smith:

So, this helped me understand my pastor's wife, who I have a lot of interaction with living here committed to this, yeah, international church. They are Americans. And I see they are very, responding. They are very, on the time side as Americans from, like, the meetings when even being 5 minutes to to ultimately, they need to text me ahead. And the second thing that, impressed me was that they called me and the holistic thing cause oh, oh, the first thing and the second thing together.

Connie Smith:

I was quite confused by some of her behaviors when I was still talking with her and then she left. No Americans ever did that before. All the Americans I know, no one did that. They gave me attention and they listened. But in church, I was talking with her.

Connie Smith:

I was not talking for a long time yet, and then she I felt like she had to use some excuse. Or I I don't know if it was what she said ADHD. Later on when she was teaching some parenting class, she mentioned ADHD, both her child and her. But maybe one thing is I am a holistic. When I tell her something, I'm I'm I'm suspecting why she's doing that because she's on time.

Connie Smith:

I understand there are so many people in charge. She needs to do many different things. But, I think she's, like, called me that she wants to maybe only talk about the business instead of hearing more of of the background. I felt like she would I don't know if she was distracted. I could not tell.

Connie Smith:

But I know from enough proof she's dichotomy. But directive I always select selective is is still hard for me to tell of many other people. I think most Americans I know are selective. I believe they are selective, but, they are also very like, when they do things yeah. They are strong leaders, but they give people many options.

Connie Smith:

Like, they follow through things very well, and they are quick to act. Because I direct I read how to discern what is directive and selective. Somehow, directive the the trace of being directive sounds immature or or domineering or is like this kind of character. Yeah. That was my impression.

Connie Smith:

I need to get better understanding of this, yeah, term. Yes.

Connie Smith:

And also, let loose of the word character. Yeah. Be holistic. You can be totally holistic and be domineering.

Connie Smith:

No. I mean, being selective or directive. It's about Yes.

Connie Smith:

And that's what I'm I'm saying. And yes. Okay. So you need

Connie Smith:

But I called them a and, holistic has to do with domineering too?

Connie Smith:

Domineering is an action. Okay. Can come out of a lot of things.

Connie Smith:

Okay. I need some more, time to understand this, I guess. It just shows I haven't integrated the whole thing into my holistic system.

Connie Smith:

Are you? And it has reached the point where you're you haven't found a you haven't gotten it all in there, and there's nothing wrong with that. We are all should be growing in our knowledge of everything every day.

Connie Smith:

May I ask a question if someone is tested to be a high numbered directive person, but doubts that she's not like that at all.

Connie Smith:

She feels Well, then it may be some other continuum or it may be a lie.

Connie Smith:

Because from the description of directive and selective, she feels she's very selective, kind of. Yeah. Tendency, but then her result showed a high directive result.

Connie Smith:

Alright.

Connie Smith:

What does that mean?

Connie Smith:

Well, it means that the person doesn't have truth or that the ill that the questions that were

Michelle:

made in the survey that made

Connie Smith:

her come out a continuum. You will still continue to act out of how you act. Okay? Just knowing the number that you are is not the goal.

Connie Smith:

Okay. I don't know if the okay.

Connie Smith:

The the only reason that we took the survey was to give us something from which to teach, something from which to learn, because the tool is in and of itself a dichotomistic time, directive kind of thing. It's presented in step form. It's an outline form. It's you can do with it what you want. The illustrations flesh it out from a event holistic, dichotomy, selective kind of way.

Connie Smith:

The illustrations illustrate these things. So they are, by definition, more holistic than the list that's down there.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

That is only talking about presentation. Okay? So what did you since we're going to continue the next three continuums using the same people, what did you then determine on directive selective that, the pastor's wife tended towards? More more no. It's not directive.

Connie Smith:

Yes. Directive selective. Where do you think overall observation of her behavior?

Connie Smith:

Selective. I think most people I got close to are selective people. I

Connie Smith:

I'm talking now about this pastor's wife, not most people.

Connie Smith:

I I mean, selective because if they are directive, I I could not have worked with them. That was another way I tried to tell who they are. I my feeling. I think from the directive characteristics, I usually could not I would not prefer working with such people. That didn't I don't know why I had this impression of this description.

Connie Smith:

I have felt the directive kind didn't allow enough freedom for a person to act.

Connie Smith:

Well, but if you are a holistic person no. If you are a selective person, it is going to be very difficult for you to work with a deck with a directive. Oh, you can tell I'm tight. I directed. It's going to be difficult for a selective person to work under a, directive person.

Connie Smith:

The directive leader. Yes.

Connie Smith:

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Connie Smith:

But what happens is that the holistic the selective person has to get control of that so that they can actually still perform under that person and not become rebellious.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

Okay? That that's all.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. If you trust to,

Connie Smith:

we're gonna just move on. Because as long as you're holding that judgment and just by the very fact of the selectiveness, you are going to react, be uncomfortable with somebody who is more directive.

Connie Smith:

Well, I feel really

Connie Smith:

as well, the directive person is going to have struggles. That's why we have 2 continuum why we have 2 sides to the continuum. A selective leader, a selective person is going to have difficulty and struggle working with a selective leader.

Connie Smith:

May I ask, culture wise, why I feel like a lot of the Asian leaders are the director leaders?

Connie Smith:

Because their culture, they are? It doesn't matter where it comes from, dear. Within the culture, are you you are a follower. You just made a a an inclusive statement about a whole culture. Asian leaders tend to be well Yeah.

Connie Smith:

Then does that leave no room at all for individuals within that culture? It means percentage. Yeah. Well, now you're going see?

Connie Smith:

Or perhaps a

Connie Smith:

Dichotomy showing up. There's that dichotomy showing up. That lack of having it all of you know, we have to account for everybody, and everything has to fit.

Connie Smith:

I'm a holistic I see the

Connie Smith:

path. That you're holistic, but you are very dichotomistic in your seeking of of the information.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. That's interesting.

Connie Smith:

But you see, here again, alright, let's make it holistic. What you've done is you've made a general statement.

Connie Smith:

Uh-huh.

Connie Smith:

Okay? But what you haven't expressed because of your holism, because of wounding, because of, other personality, other, continuums, you haven't expressed any place for the individual.

Connie Smith:

From my guessing yeah. That's from my guessing. I haven't done the scientific research. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

But from my scientific research see? Now that is the die that is a that is a dichotomistic sentence.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Mike Banker:

I haven't done the research.

Michelle:

I haven't

Connie Smith:

I haven't done the research. I haven't put everybody into their into the thing. Now that's the way you go about gaining the information that adds to your whole. And right now, you don't have a place in in your whole. You don't have a place for anybody that doesn't fit into whatever statement you're making as your dichotomistic search.

Connie Smith:

So is you see, we'll get into this when we when we talk the last days. Just because you're here in this situation doesn't mean you're here in every situation.

Mike Banker:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

But you'll not be an extreme here and an extreme here in another situation.

Michelle:

Mhmm. May I say something?

Connie Smith:

Sure.

Michelle:

I think Carmen was commenting on leadership style in a culture. He's she's not not talking about the the personal orientation. She's she said she felt that Chinese leaders are or Asian leader. I forgot what she said. It was more directed.

Michelle:

And I think it's more of a cultural of a leadership style.

Connie Smith:

K.

Michelle:

But if you look at individuals, it's not it's not I can name many, many Asian leaders who who are not directive. Yep. But if you look at the culture, it does more see the the top down leadership style. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

Oh, maybe in this culture, they see that style as being a leader. The other style as not being a leader just like you you described a weak leadership, not

Mike Banker:

Yes.

Connie Smith:

Not yeah.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. So, like, the word leader has a certain meaning in a Chinese culture, and it's not the same. You know, what you expect from a leader isn't the same. Like, okay. I was a leader in China, and I was American, but everybody was Chinese.

Mike Banker:

So I felt pressure of certain expectations of a Chinese leader. Like a Chinese leader gets involved in every issue and solves it. So, like, we had 6 people living at Shi Hai in a, in a quadrangle house, and they couldn't get along with each other. And I was supposed to go in and fix that. And my attitude as American was you're adults.

Mike Banker:

You can fix it yourself. But the pressure was on me. If you're a leader and you have the power to do something and you don't, you're a bad leader. That's the that's basically the maxim behind that. So after several incidents like that, they said, Mike's not American and he's not Chinese.

Mike Banker:

He's just Mike.

Michelle:

Yeah.

Mike Banker:

He struck some sort of balance. But but there's an expectation of a leader. But I think so to say, but to say that every leader, every pastor in China, if they have the power, they don't use it, that, they see themselves as a bad leader. I I don't think that's true. I I can think of pastor Luke in, Beijing who was a ex heart surgeon.

Mike Banker:

And, he is definitely gentle, and it's just not forceful on anything he he does. But that's not like several other pastors I could list in Beijing that are are quite over the top directive, I would say. Meaning that they lose a lot of people because they're too forceful. Sheep run away. They don't like the sound of their voice.

Mike Banker:

But, Connie, your point is that we have to remember that each person has their own choice. And so they can choose to be typical, or they can choose not they can be choose to be normal, or they can choose to be different. It's they have the ability to choose. Is that is that the right way to say that?

Connie Smith:

No. Because I don't think we choose to do I think what the what it is is that we we choose how we behave. We choose what attitude we're going to have. But those choices, if I'm if I'm holistic, those things that I that I would choose to do are going to be things that come out if I, that come out of that orientation. But one of my choices that I have as a follower of a if I'm selective, and I am the the follower of a, directive leader, I may on how I respond, whether I'm going to be angry, whether I'm gonna be judgmental, whether I'm going to try to take the, the options that I might have within that, and whether I'm going to rebel, whether I'm going to start judging the person's character.

Connie Smith:

We we have choices just as a leader, just as the leader who is directive has a choice to adapt his behavior, adapt how he gives his instructions to a, to the his followers who are, directive or who are selective. That doesn't change where they're coming from, but both one side has choices of how they're going to respond to the other to the other side.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Cindy:

And, I'd like to add to that that this is a tool also to to help me understand, because I'm thinking about me and my my example.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Cindy:

It's also to a barometer of my ability to not judge, not become rigid, and not, because if okay. Okay. So starting with the the fact that one orientation is not better than the other. Therefore, if one orientation is not better than the other and it's not sinful to be one directive one orientation over the other. If I am judging, if I cannot adapt, then there's something wrong with then I've left what these things originally were supposed to be telling me to do, which is not be judgmental, not be, you know, inflexible.

Cindy:

And so for me, I think it's a really good tool, a good barometer to ask myself, why am I judging? Why am I inflexible? If I'm supposed to be adapting to this to the person I'm trying to communicate, then I need to ask myself, why am I not getting through? Am I because I'm judging? Is it because I'm not adapting?

Cindy:

Is it because I'm sinning? Is it because, so I don't know. I mean, I I just think that for me, I always, have to ask myself, if this is the if this is the the purpose of these tools, am I leaving am I leaving, like, what it's supposed to do? It's supposed to help me to understand so I don't judge. So I need to not judge.

Cindy:

I need to suspend my feelings, and and just take a look at that person and ask myself. Okay. I need to get through to that person. So I need to they're not unlike I mean, they're not gonna change necessarily, but I've gotta change. So I need to use this as a as a as a, what do you call those things?

Cindy:

A leveler A leveler. You know, when the leveler is off, like, it's this is the leveler. We need to go to the leveler and not tilt it in one way or the another. So, anyway, I I I think that because I'm I'm always thinking, how can I best communicate with my son? And that is the

Connie Smith:

that word right there is what this is really all about.

Cindy:

Yeah. And that's what I'm and and I know that since that is the that is the point is the communication to get through to the other person. So if that is my goal, then what am I gonna do to get to that goal irrespective of how I feel? What's more important, the way I feel, or am I gonna communicate? So that's for myself.

Cindy:

So I always have to constantly remind myself. Forget how you feel right now. Yeah. I mean, feelings are important. It's not like it

Connie Smith:

totally And that's a barometer of something else

Cindy:

Aside That's a barometer of something else. So these can be used as a barometer. It's not only just a communication tool, but it's a barometer for oneself.

Connie Smith:

There you go. Because wherever we are, wherever we are on any continuum, wherever we are, we need to be in control of it, not it in control of us.

Cindy:

Which is which is I mean, which foot you're gonna have to do this.

Connie Smith:

You are saying

Cindy:

Yeah. Which is that's why I know it's hard because

Connie Smith:

when you're when you're When I used the illustration, of Richard and he was so angry and so upset, what did he have to do with that in order to then still be in a good relationship with the man over him who gave him the or didn't give him all the information he wanted.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

Okay. Well, of course, he had to accuse and forgive. And then he had to to say, well, you know, now that I know that there's something else out there, now I need to put that into my thinking. And I might even have to go and now say to this leader, whatever continuum he was on, that, you know, I was surprised to hear that there was yet another option that I didn't get. So now that I know that there's that one, are there any others that weren't that weren't, suggested to me?

Connie Smith:

But, of course, the forgiveness and all that business needed to be taken care of because his response Richard's response was not a righteous response. So when we don't, we take care of why we did what we did and ask for forgiveness of our for our, accused whatever needs to be accused and extend forgiveness, and then confess with the idea of, having remorse and repentance and not wanting to do that anymore and asking for forgiveness. Now we can start with a clean slate. Now I'm no longer angry, but I just wanna know if there are more options out there that I don't know about.

Mike Banker:

I want to, be in a position where I can help this person even if I don't like what they're doing. Yeah. So, like, like, example came to mind was our pastor came up with this new program called high and holy calling, and he decided it without including anybody on his staff. And, it divided the church. Now he was being very directive, extremely directive for American society, I would say, meaning most people couldn't accept his directness.

Mike Banker:

And and we just wanted to leave the church, and God said no.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Mike Banker:

And then God said, don't take a side

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Mike Banker:

Those who are wounded. So I ended up working with people on both sides of the fence. So so to me is I don't wanna ever put myself in a position with somebody even if I disagree with them, put myself in a position where I wouldn't be available to help. And so that's kind of how I draw the line. So I have to forgive.

Mike Banker:

In order to do that, I would have to forgive in order to come back to a neutral place on this. And then, yeah, then I could then I could do something, but I I'm I'm just gonna be in a fight otherwise. So

Connie Smith:

Yep. Yeah. Is that did, I hope that Carmen didn't go off on purpose.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. I'm still here.

Connie Smith:

Oh, okay, dear. Very good. I didn't see your picture anymore, and I was just concerned. So, anyway, we're we need to remember that this is a tool.

Mike Banker:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

It is not the only tool in the world, but it is a tool just like PR is not the only way God is ever going to heal anybody. He did not wait 2000 years to suddenly provide a way that he could, resolve the issues in people's lives. Okay? All it is is a tool that can be used to help. Once it becomes a mandate, you've lost its value as a tool.

Connie Smith:

Okay? It is not godly nor ungodly to be 1 or the other on the continuum. It is godly or ungodly how you behave out of that continuum, whether or not basic motivation seminar ever took place or not. Okay? We're going to be evaluated by God and by the people around us.

Connie Smith:

Not so much as where we are on the continuum or where they are on the continuum, but how we react, how we respond to them. And I'm talking about even god. God just made us. He made us all different, but he's not evaluating our behavior nor our heart attitude towards him by where you are on this continuum. But whether you're living righteously or unrighteously in your in your life.

Connie Smith:

Oh, okay? Now I really, really, really appreciate you you you you guys are doing exactly what I want done. In that, I'm going down this path. Somebody says, oh, well, I have this to add. And I think maybe she meant was taking at this.

Connie Smith:

You've all all of you that have contributed to this is exactly what we want because that's the way I best teach. Okay? I'm really not a good teacher of the kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grades. Okay? I'm not very good at giving him the basics to move from.

Connie Smith:

But give me a 4th grader on up, and I can help take them from where they are to where they need to be or want to be. Okay? So my favorite grade of teaching, for instance, is the 7th grade. And what teacher in her right mind wants to teach 7th graders?

Mike Banker:

Right. What's wrong with you?

Connie Smith:

Yeah. What's wrong with me? Now Denise That's so challenging. Mhmm. Denise is such a perfect, perfect fit for kindergarten through 3rd grade.

Connie Smith:

Perfect fit. I don't know what she's like on the other. She must be pretty good, but look at the 6 kids she raised and taught. She's

Mike Banker:

in 3rd grade. She doesn't wanna teach younger, and she doesn't wanna teach older.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. But they're right at the age where they have this, but they don't have this yet. And she's trying to put it all together. Marvelous. Marvelous.

Connie Smith:

It doesn't matter which continuum, where she is on any of these continuums. No. Because she is in control of whatever it is and is able to act righteously. For the most part, she's not perfect, just in case anybody's wondering. But she she governs her life because she is in control of herself.

Connie Smith:

If she sins, she takes care of it. If she sees she needs to do this, she does it. If she needs she needs to do that, she does it. Okay. She's a pretty good example of that.

Connie Smith:

Okay. Any more talk about, the the thing that, and and I would tend to agree with what Michelle said that Carmen was really making a statement about. That most most, Asian leaders tend towards dichotomy towards directive. Okay? But if they tend towards directive, then what is going to be the basic characteristic of their followers?

Connie Smith:

Direct to be direct to Pardon? Also direct to directive. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

No. No? No.

Connie Smith:

Oh, yeah. People can be anyway, but eventually, they're gonna train with directive if they work under them a long time.

Connie Smith:

Yes. So what does that do then? Why is a what does you're right. If you're going to have your leaders, they continue to be directed. If you it doesn't matter where you are on the continuum.

Connie Smith:

As the follower. It doesn't matter where you are on the continuum. But you're going yes.

Connie Smith:

Okay. I understanding this is evaluation of, people's sets of behaviors. Right? This is behavior Yes. A study.

Connie Smith:

Not character, not personality.

Connie Smith:

No.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. Not the way maybe behaviors involved of their thinking, but not be in so involved of their beliefs. While we say behaviors come from Again,

Cindy:

I mean

Connie Smith:

It's your basic

Connie Smith:

They have different personalities.

Connie Smith:

Your your belief system is the one that governs everything. Your belief system is what governs everything. It governs your attitudes. It governs your behaviors. It does, it it is the force behind your relationships that you have.

Connie Smith:

Okay. So belief system is apart from this continuum. But how you behave how you behave under that is part of your belief system. Your behavior is governed not by some continuum. Your behavior is based on your belief system.

Connie Smith:

And the basic belief system that keeps a I'll make it an extreme, that makes a totalitarian dictator leadership, the belief system says, I must do everything they say in the way that they say it, or else I'm going to suffer punishment of some kind or another. So I am going to I am going to obey what they tell me. That's the behavior. That does not matter where you are on the continuum, but it does matter on where you are in your belief system. Okay?

Connie Smith:

Now talking about all of that is, we could talk about that for a long time. But So so Basically, yes. Yes.

Mike Banker:

Well, Connie, this is, this is just a lens. Okay.

Connie Smith:

Very good.

Mike Banker:

Just by looking through this particular lens, we we can see, different patterns. Like, I don't know if that's the right word, but, it's not a lens for judging. It's just a lens for seeing. It's just for observing, actually, to see the differences between me and another person so that I can communicate with them more effectively.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Mike Banker:

So it's it's a lens, just a way to see them.

Michelle:

Actually, Connie, I think you just gave me so much insight in dealing with some conflict leadership and, you know, team leader versus conflict with the team member, those people who have conflict with their leaders. I think because when you talk about directive orientation notes, there are leaders who have this orientation, but they are also leaders who are the the other side. But because of the culture or use you use the belief system, And I think it's also in the cultural expectation. They have to act out that way to be directive. And there are also 2 kinds of orientation as followers.

Michelle:

And the the conflict, the frustration comes when they're not matching. So, just I think you just gave me some good insight. Thank you.

Connie Smith:

So exactly. So both, whether you are this or that on a on a continuum, you have to make a choice as to whether you're going to, what your response what your response is going to be to where they are on the continuum. And if they give you choices, no matter where you are on the continuum, you're going to have to make a choice. Now you may need help in making that choice, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. If you're on the directive side, and this is a a directive, then you have to decide how you're going to respond to this because what they're asking me to do is some I don't wanna do.

Connie Smith:

So depending on on on how the person themselves reacts, he could he has choices. He can go and talk to the boss or to the other to the to the leader. He can go and explain what he wants. And, there's also many kinds, or at least 2 or 3 different kinds of directive leaders. There's the hands on every minute micromanager of a leader, of a of the directive.

Connie Smith:

Or there's one who says, okay. These are the choices. This is the goal. This is the task I'm assigning you. Go and deal with it.

Connie Smith:

Now that was a directive thing. This is this is what I want you to do. Whether you like the job, don't like the job, whether you wanted a choice, whether you didn't want a choice, all that's up to the here. This is this is your assignment. Now go do it.

Connie Smith:

Now that is just about as directive as you can get, but it's not the one who is the micromanager who tells you, you know, what piece of paper to use and etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. My daughter was expelled from school one time because she he wasn't a very good teacher, but that that's no excuse for her behavior. And we dealt with the behavior. But the thing was, he's they were told, and this was one they already had a whole lot of things going on. He himself had a lot of problems, but that's still no excuse.

Connie Smith:

So it all came down to being forced to write her name on the top right hand corner of the page. And she decided that day. Now this is a girl who loves school. She she is straightforward. She's honest.

Connie Smith:

She gets along with everybody. And she's now in 5th grade, I think, it was.

Michelle:

And

Connie Smith:

suddenly, she decides she doesn't wanna do that. So she writes her in the middle of the page. So she was called on it and reprimanded and humiliated in front of the class and all of that. So he handed her a paper again and say, I want you to write it up in the right hand corner. And so this time, she wrote it up in the left hand corner.

Connie Smith:

So she he expelled her from the class. And, so she came home in tears because she had not counted the cost as we had been talking about. Make sure if you're not gonna do something, you're gonna do something. You make your choice based on counting the cost. And if it's worth it, do it.

Michelle:

If it's

Connie Smith:

not worth it, don't. That falls into play in with my son at a later date, but that's another story. So, anyway, this is a this is a person who, can be and accept absolute direct directed and perfectly capable and likes to just be given a job and then go do what you win with it, finish the job. She works really well that way, or she works well with this is what we want done here. This is our goal.

Connie Smith:

You go out and see how to accomplish it. But we had a real discussion. So she came home in tears and and, of course, wanted us to go talk to the principal and all of that. And we said, no. You did not do what the teacher said, and he he put you in a fortunately, fortunately, in talking through all this, the principal did just the right thing.

Connie Smith:

He backed his teacher. Now the teacher had no right to do this, blah blah blah blah. That was the principal's job. But let him and the but in public, he backed the teacher. And you knew any good principal is gonna back the teacher first.

Connie Smith:

Okay? Long story short, we would not go and defend her or ask for any special permission, and it was all handled very well. And, she was suspended from school for 3 days. Like to broke her heart. Like to broke her out.

Connie Smith:

Well, any of you that know Teresa knows that she would never ever deliberately do anything wrong. Well, she did. She made a choice. And that day, it got her into trouble. Well, she paid the consequences of the trouble, and life went on.

Connie Smith:

Is she a rebellious person? Absolutely not. But she made a choice that day to rebel. And it was the rebelling that we were dealing with, not where she wrote her name. And she did deal with it, and all was well.

Connie Smith:

So one of the things that this model does, this tool, is to do just as you've all expressed. It works like it shows us that we're having a struggle with something. Our response shows us if it's a negative response, shows us that we are struggling with something, and we have a choice on how we respond. I've often, often, often said to the people around me who deal so much in not wanting to sin. God is not so, God will never judge you for what the other guy did to you.

Connie Smith:

He will never judge you for what the other guy did to you, but he will judge you 100% for your response to what they did. You are responsible for you. You can't fix anybody else. You can't break anybody else. You can add to it, but you cannot break them.

Connie Smith:

You don't have that power. You can't change anybody else's mind. You cannot and I I've I have to say it this way. You cannot force someone to accept Christ as their savior by praying harder and longer for them. K?

Connie Smith:

You do not have the power to change anybody else's mind, but you are in complete in completely in charge of what you do with your mind or your attitude. Now sometimes that's tweaked, and an added problem that comes in is our belief system. So we need to make sure that our belief system is set in reality and in truth and not based on some hurt, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, some lie that we believe because we've had this message or this message or this message. We are responsible only for ourselves. So this is a tool to help you be able to see what is my response going to be to this person that I'm trying to communicate with.

Connie Smith:

Where are they that I can best do this? And I'm doing this. I want to do this because I love them. Agape love. I love them and want the best for them.

Connie Smith:

This is not a judge, it's not a basis to judge. This is not a

Michelle:

a

Connie Smith:

this is not a a tool. This is not a tool to use for judgment. It's a tool to help you communicate or to help you understand what the other guy is trying to say.

Michelle:

I like that statement. I really like that statement. It's not a tool for you to make judgment, but it's a tool for you to better communicate.

Connie Smith:

That's it. If I am holistic, see, what did I what did was I? That caught me. Holism. Anyway, I can't find my paper right.

Connie Smith:

Whatever I was, I feel that I am I am much more selective than I am directive. So I would tend I would say I tend towards but if I can become as directive as the other guy needs if I understand that about that person. Because I am understanding that about myself, and I can control what I do with it. So I can set aside my preference of handling this and go with what's needed in order to handle this. Now what our reaction is and whether it's a sin or not a sin in our reaction to either side is dependent on now our belief system and, the right or wrongness of of what we're dealing with.

Connie Smith:

Whether I dealt with this rightly or whether I dealt with this that caused hurt or harm to somebody else. K? This is a tool that can be used by somebody who doesn't even know God. But we who do know him and want to live by his by his precepts in relationship with him, since God is everything, does it matter where we are on a continuum? Does it?

Connie Smith:

If God is everything is everything to everybody, does it matter what continuum I'm on in order to relate to him? No. Or where I am on the continuum, better said. No. No.

Connie Smith:

But how I choose to use that in my relationship to him, that will determine how our relationship begins to go. A person who is holistic no. I'm not I'm on the wrong team. Who is selective will have a hard time when God gives a directive in a directive manner. But that person's response is up to them.

Connie Smith:

There are things that I still disagree with god about, but I've told him that. But I've also told him that my choice is my choice is to trust you anyway because you do know the beginning from the end. You do know me better than I know me. You do know and you I do know that you want only the best for me. So I don't understand, and I would have preferred you to do something different.

Connie Smith:

But on the other hand, I really choose to trust you so I can let it go now. But god may have may understand that I am more selective, and so he may not give it to me in a directed manner. He may he may give me a vision. He may give me in which I have to come to a conclusion myself. Or he has all sorts of ways because he knows how he can best communicate with me.

Michelle:

Amen.

Connie Smith:

So it's not right or wrong on where anybody is on a continuum. It is what you do with that that makes it a a sin or not a sin or not even neutral. It's just the right or wrongness of it is not not important. A child who wants to eat Cheerios for breakfast and mother wants him to have a more balanced healthy diet will fuss and fuss and fuss if he's not allowed his Cheerios. So in order to stop all the fuss, say, we can offer him 3 Cheerios and the breakfast.

Connie Smith:

I want you to eat it all. Okay? We don't need to make this a a a contest of wills. If that's what he needs in order to be calm, you don't give him his and only the Cheerios, but you let him be involved a little bit in this. And so you say, okay.

Connie Smith:

You can have this many Cheerios. I suppose maybe you don't know what a Cheerio is. It's a it's a breakfast cereal of little bitty round pieces that are crisp. They look like little tiny donuts. By the way, it is one of the more healthy breakfast cereals.

Connie Smith:

But, anyway, that's beside the point. So you see what I'm saying? The fact that the kid needs choice or wants choice, You don't need to beat him up every time and not allowing choice, but you can figure out ways to let him be involved.

Mike Banker:

So, Connie, it seems that, if you're directive, you would tend to see God as directive. Like

Connie Smith:

Oh, absolutely. And the more directive you are, the harsher your God is.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. And so instead of god giving you a circle saying any choice inside the circle is okay, you would see god as there's only one choice. That's right.

Connie Smith:

That's right. God has a plan for your life. Man, you miss that, and you're doomed to the rest of your life. Have you ever heard of that teaching?

Mike Banker:

Oh, yeah. I've heard the circle teaching, by the way. Yeah. You think inside the circle is okay.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. I think God has lots of plans for our lives. But the overall plan is that we we would have come to him, become his child, and have a father child relationship with him all the time we're here on earth and then to spend eternity with him. I think that's his plan for our life.

Mike Banker:

Yes. Relation.

Connie Smith:

Set out to do the tasks. It's plural. It's not one. The tasks that he has set for us to do and then prepared us. Another verse tells us that he has prepared us to do those things that he has asked us to do.

Connie Smith:

And he's never asked us to do something that we cannot do. Otherwise, he's unfair, and he God is not unfair. That's my belief system. But if we believe if we believe God is this great dictator on high and that we missed the point and we're doomed forever, it's gonna change how we relate to him. So, again, our belief system is the is the force behind which we do things.

Connie Smith:

God does not want us to obey him because we are afraid if we don't, we're gonna get punished in some manner. He wants us to obey him because we make the choice to do it his way because his way is always best. Again, you all are doing exactly what I'm looking for. K? And it gives us by by you all entering in, we're getting all these different perspectives, and it adds every one of them adds to our learning, adds to our knowledge.

Connie Smith:

That's great. Okay. Who's the next one?

Mike Banker:

Let's see. I think we stopped with with Carmen. So I think next is everybody's a different order now. We did Carmen and Michelle. So I guess Stone.

Stone:

Okay. So this is, this is a sister who been showing a lot of kindness to me, before, and I I know that he he keep, well but a long time, I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable, spending time with her. And then I I I couldn't tell the reason. And until I learned this course, and I can see that is a huge difference between us. For example, I am more holism, and she is quite the economy, that that kind of person.

Stone:

So I have this inner like, I tend to see things with multiple elements and, things are connected a lot. And, she all every time when she talks to me, I can almost read her mind. It's saying, you shouldn't you should do this. You shouldn't do this. This is right.

Stone:

This is wrong. This is scarlet. This is an invalid. This is Christ Christian do. This is not what Christian do.

Stone:

That kind of thing. So,

Michelle:

clearly,

Stone:

that's her tendency. And, sometimes that caused a lot not a lot, like, some conflict between us. And I I sometimes feel judged, and I don't know how to communicate with her. I just wanna tell her I'm sharing my feelings, and there's no right and wrong on that one. And you can just listen to it and show some empathy if you can, And please don't judge my feelings.

Stone:

Even when I feel upset, sadness is parts of my emotional system, and it it's not necessarily bad. Actually, it's quite helpful for me to recognize something wrong or something, you know, something is happening. So it's some yeah. It's like that. And, it also helped me to to notice that she is quite a directive person.

Stone:

And I am I show more tendency on selective side. So it's very funny. She gave me selections. She gave she gives me options, but it still sounds quite directive. For example, I, during the vacation, we were together and, I wanted to wash my hair.

Stone:

That's a very simple, easy thing for me to decide. I can I wanna wash my hair? And then she came to me and say, when do you wanna wash your hair? And before I give any kinds of answer, she said, you can wash your hair, like, now or 10 minutes later or or or, like, a call later. So she gives me selections, but in a very directive way.

Stone:

And I got shocked because I think that I'm a dot, and I've been a dot for many, many years. I think I can I know or I can feel when to wash my hair? You don't have to babysit me and tell me but even yeah. You so you know what I mean. So she gives me options while still feel it's quite directive.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Stone:

And, I don't feel comfortable with that because I'm more like kind of like, at ease that kind of person. You know? I don't wanna, like I don't want things to be intense. I wanna just take my time or just make my decision on my own, that kind of person. But my casual is quite high.

Stone:

I'm 6 on casual. Yeah. So that it's not like something So before I felt I was judged and I felt I was a little bit, like, controlled or I can sense some kind of pressure. I thought I thought, you know, she's being judgy and and criticizing or this and that. And now I just realized that she is more like a directed person.

Stone:

And, yeah, and I I haven't figured out how do I communicate with her yet, but it's just helped me to understand the situation. And clearly, she's more time, presentation person instead of the event person. And I'm also I'm slightly towards event. So, basically, I slightly towards event and she slightly towards time. I and she, the economy, I selective and she directive.

Stone:

She is a good sister. She shows cares to people. She shows a lot of kindness and support to me when I was going through the tough time. She is a good Christian, and I do trust her. But still, I don't feel comfortable.

Stone:

You know? If I leave her if I leave with her under under the same, within the same room, I I couldn't sold her through the 1st 3 days. You know what I mean? She drives me crazy. Yep.

Connie Smith:

And that's that sounds about right. Yeah. That's what what happened. Now is her behavior is her behavior it's most definitely, more towards the time, dichotomy, and directive. But how is she choosing to to utilize that.

Connie Smith:

And nothing wrong with being those things. But what is she not doing that would make life a little easier?

Stone:

I think that the way she utilized that, I think this might be the reason that I feel it's a little bit difficult, you know, living with her is because she thinks she tends to thinks her way is right and my way is wrong.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Stone:

Yeah. That's that's where I feel judged. No. I don't think my way is wrong. I lived my life and

Connie Smith:

I like it. Okay. Now a dichotomist would tend towards believing that there's one way.

Stone:

Better than the other.

Connie Smith:

It's better than any other. So the problem comes when? What did it what is it that you are reacting to that would be the hurtful thing? It's not that it it isn't just that she is directive, but what is she doing in her use of that of that orientation that makes it the most difficult for you.

Stone:

That she thinks she's right, and I'm wrong.

Connie Smith:

And and in always judging you as the lacking one.

Stone:

Yes. What the Yeah. Acts.

Connie Smith:

The scriptures. Okay. So what are you going to have to do, however many times it occurs, in order to continue to have a good relationship with her. When she sets out and you feel judged, what are you going to have to do in response?

Stone:

I can forgive her.

Connie Smith:

Oh, look at that. Yeah? Well, look at that. You can accuse and forgive her and let loose of the hurt and the condemnation and so on. Okay?

Connie Smith:

Now if you were her, if we were talking to her, what what might we have to tell her about her use of her orientation of directiveness? What is lacking what is lacking in her response

Stone:

to Resolved.

Connie Smith:

Okay. There you go. So what is she going to have to do? Alright, Stone. What did you just say?

Connie Smith:

Respect. Oh, respect. Okay. Is that something that she would want to see herself doing? Would she want to, to feel that she is one who disrespected you?

Connie Smith:

No? Would she want to to know that? Would she want to be no. Would she be appalled at the fact that out of her love and orientation, she actually made you feel judged and unimportant. Would she be

Michelle:

able to

Connie Smith:

call with that, or would she say, oh, you're right?

Stone:

I actually tried to to talk to her because she compared me with another person, and I feel disrespected. Absolutely. And I talked and I talked to her, and I said, I don't feel good about this, but the way she sees it was that you are quite sensitive, and she didn't think she was wrong. And the second time so that's what the first time I talked to her. And the second time I tried to talk to her about this comparing comparison.

Stone:

So first of all, she admit that she has the habit of comparison. She even admit that she's quite competitive. But the when I raise this problem up, I say comparison or something, and she said, I don't see that as a problem. And all of a sudden, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

Stone:

It feels like the door has been shut down.

Connie Smith:

And and it has. And it has.

Stone:

I I couldn't come communicate

Connie Smith:

it through. Nothing. So what is the real problem her here? Is it her dichotomistic dichotomy where she is on the scale of dichotomy, or is there could you you're not gonna accuse her of that. What what do you have to accuse her of?

Stone:

She hurt my feelings, and she doesn't

Michelle:

feel good.

Connie Smith:

Hurt my feelings. That's a general fluff, fluff, fluff. How did she hurt your feelings? What did she do in both of these cases?

Stone:

She she didn't respect me as a individual.

Connie Smith:

Okay. That's one thing. What's another thing? I mean, I I realized that the word disrespect has a lot more power, in Chinese than it does in English. Okay?

Connie Smith:

I realize that.

Stone:

She's not open to this topic?

Connie Smith:

Well, is, okay. Alright. So she doesn't value you enough that your opinion does not matter to her. She's not considering your opinion or your feelings. So is she using her dichotomous, unheard directive side of the world?

Connie Smith:

Is she using this in a godly manner? Okay. So we're not all up and hurt because she's so directive or so dichotomistic or any of those things. But she hurt me not because she's this. She hurt me because she did she left me out.

Connie Smith:

She left me.

Stone:

Yeah. I I feel like

Connie Smith:

Again, now we know what we can accuse her of and what the actual problem is. It's not that she's dichotomistic and and, directive. That's not the problem. It's her use of that that makes it a sin against you or not. Do you see that?

Connie Smith:

Do you see what I'm saying? She needs to be in control of this to the point that she can include you and embrace you even though she might think that you are wrong and she is right.

Stone:

Oh, you at least

Connie Smith:

give you the the see respect again, but give you the respect that says, yes. You are valued and loved even though you're wrong.

Stone:

So you mean okay. I I try to understand this because this is a little bit, like, new way of rephrase the situation. So you you you say that she is excluding me.

Connie Smith:

Because who's the important one here? Now this is not true of all dichotomistic and all

Mike Banker:

Active.

Connie Smith:

People that they are more right than anybody else. That not everybody that's directive takes it that far because they're thinking more highly of themselves than they ought to think. Okay? If you notice if you notice in scripture, god never bases his judgment on people based on comparison with somebody else. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

I feel humiliated. Better work than this one did for me, and so I'm going to give more to this one than I'm giving to you. No. That that's not god. God says I'm looking at you and whether or not you do what I've asked you to do or not, and out of love, you're here.

Stone:

Because she needs to be more, in control of her.

Connie Smith:

In control. That's it. Exactly. She needs to be in control of even her orientation.

Stone:

But she's not aware of that.

Connie Smith:

Well but, of course, she's not.

Stone:

Yeah. She still thinks

Connie Smith:

she's not But but but but but

Michelle:

but but

Connie Smith:

it's possible. And there's nothing you can do to change that. That's my point here.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

But this is what you have against her is the fact that she doesn't see you or hear you unless it's in light of her own belief system. Okay? She has a heart. We know that. We know she's compassionate because of the way she's worked with you.

Connie Smith:

But that's when, oh, this is gonna sound terrible. And believe me, I don't even know this person. But it could be with this attitude, if she's gonna hang on to this attitude, She does all these things for you, not because she loves you and sees value in you. Or she does see value in you, but now she has to fix you. Okay?

Connie Smith:

So now she's coming alongside you to help you get out of the ways that you are wrong in your thinking, etcetera. So I'm not saying that's what she is. So don't go think saying I've made that judgment against her. I don't know this person. But there may be many reasons for why she does what she does, but what she does

Michelle:

hurts.

Connie Smith:

Okay? Therefore, it is a sin against you of what she just did, not from the any, not from any orientation or what she did hurt. So you deal with it. Okay. Now how do you communicate with her?

Connie Smith:

Well, you can only communicate with a closed person. You can only communicate with a closed person no matter where they are on the continuum, k, Or what continuing you're talking about as long as they feel a need to be helped.

Cindy:

K? Isn't that isn't

Connie Smith:

that true even with God? I mean, he's done everything. But how we respond to that is up to us. Okay.

Stone:

So you okay. I can I'll try to make a conclusion

Mike Banker:

to make

Connie Smith:

sure I got

Stone:

your point. So, first of all, I need to accuse and forgive her.

Connie Smith:

For second for the right thing. For that which hurt me.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. Okay?

Stone:

Yeah. I need to forgive her for not controlling her, you know, her No.

Connie Smith:

Dichotomy. You're not you're not accusing her of her not controlling her. She did not you're accusing her of whatever she did to you. Now the reason that she hurt you by what she did may be her belief system. It may be because she thinks really believes that you are lesser than she.

Connie Smith:

It may be because or but there is no reason good enough to make bad doing okay. We always wanna know why. Well, what we're really asking is is how could this have ever happened? Why did you do this to me? It's not a question for information.

Connie Smith:

It's a cry of of hurt or anger, or it's a cry of response. It doesn't ever heal the hurt that her grandmother hurt her, and so she's hurting me and, you know, she knows how it feels. So now she's doubly guilty. Okay? Yeah.

Connie Smith:

So when we when we are having a problem with someone, we may not always be able to reconcile at that problem level. Yeah. So my suggestion, if you're dealing with somebody like this who will not even hear your response to what she's doing is to just keep your mouth shut, take care of the hurt times, and go with all the mercy and grace that you that God will give you to keep in a right relationship with this person, but not expecting that she's gonna change any of this until she herself decides to change. Does that make any sense? We can still work along with people that we have problems with by dealing with the problems.

Connie Smith:

On our part, we cannot I cannot emphasize this enough. We cannot fix the other person. We cannot communicate to the other person. How many people does it take to make a relationship? Answer, please.

Connie Smith:

How many people does it take to make a relationship?

Stone:

At least 2.

Connie Smith:

Takes at least 2. And if the 2 if both parties are not working towards something, then that thing is not going to get taken care of. That piece will always stand as a thorn in the flesh of the relationship, And you can only do your part. So much of what you're trying to say to her, you will have to find somebody else to talk to about because there's no use talking to someone who is not hearing you. You're wasting your breath and opening yourself for hurt of not being heard.

Stone:

This way, my communication or interaction with her while would be quite shallow and you know?

Connie Smith:

Yes. And maybe. That's Maybe. You you you see, cannot thrive in a toxic environment. The only thing that, basically, just some odd protozoa can really thrive in a toxic environment.

Connie Smith:

And you scientists may say I'm all wrong. In my world in my world, there's nothing that can thrive in a toxic environment except a few oddball protozoa that I've learned that somebody tells me thrived in that. So I'm not arguing with them. They're the experts in that area, not me.

Mike Banker:

That wasn't from doing sessions. Alright? Yeah.

Stone:

This is very inspiring. And, also, while you're saying this, I'm I'm I'm doing a a very short, like, self respect, reflection. I think that yeah. Exactly. Nothing can thrive on a toxic environment.

Stone:

So I must be not a toxic environment. I want to detox side.

Connie Smith:

There you go. There you go.

Stone:

I wanna be a healthy environment, In that way, I can thrive, and I want to be

Connie Smith:

through my baby. God asks of us in any relationship is to take care of us. That there's nothing standing from my from my side, There is no law between me and the person I'm trying to relate to. The other person, I have no control over. Okay?

Connie Smith:

And god did not give me control over the other person, nor did he give me then the power to be over that other person. I can only deal with me. But he asked of me that I clear as much as the pathway that needs to be cleared from my side for this relationship to take place. That's why we can have forgiveness that we've forgiven another person of all of that they did, but we do not have reconciliation. I've taken care of my part, but they're not willing or they're not safe or whatever to be reconciled with.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. Okay? Mhmm. You've cleared out your side, but they haven't fixed their side. So there is a block, but it's coming from them, not from you.

Michelle:

Thank you. This is like sounded like what from what Stone said. This sister enjoys spending time with Stone, and there's not a, the Stone's feeling some, frustration or hurt. And I don't know when you brought it up Into her.

Stone:

In the beginning at the beginning, she enjoyed time with me, but, over time, she started to sense that I'm against the comparison, that that kind of thing, and she doesn't feel comfortable talking with me anymore. And, yeah. Even when I bring this topic up, and she she will act like that she doesn't wanna talk about this. So and now we just our our interaction just come back to, you know, greeting each other and, you know, say hi to each other.

Connie Smith:

And that that's that may be all it will ever be anymore. But is that on you? Can you fix that?

Stone:

No. I can't. Okay.

Connie Smith:

I I feel frustrated. Okay. You can't fix it, so you're only going to have to make sure your side is perfectly clear.

Stone:

Mhmm. Oh, that's a really good way to say. Yeah. I need to make sure that my side is clear.

Connie Smith:

And that you're willing to have whatever relationship she wants to have with you.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

But you do have your boundaries, and boundaries are about you. Remember? Boundaries are not rules for the other guy. They're boundaries about how you choose to live your life. And one of the ways you have chosen not to live your life anymore is to live under comparison.

Connie Smith:

Okay? You have expressed that. She chose not to hear you, and she chose to put the a stop to whatever. Okay. That's all on her.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. Yeah.

Mike Banker:

As long as

Connie Smith:

your side was done with love and mercy and grace and all those other qualities that you as a daughter of god possess. Okay?

Stone:

Yes.

Connie Smith:

Every friend is going to be your best friend forever. Not every friend do you have a relation well, there are some friends that are simply the word on Facebook. K? And that's as deep as the relationship goes. But there are other friends that you would give up your life for.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. Okay.

Mike Banker:

So, Patty, should we go on to the next person?

Connie Smith:

Yes.

Mike Banker:

Yes. Okay. So let's see. We've had Carmen and Stone and, I think, Cindy, I think you're up.

Connie Smith:

Okay. So I have chosen, let me not go to my assignment. Okay.

Cindy:

So, building off of what I, did yesterday, so I'm continuing with this same person in my life.

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Cindy:

So,

Connie Smith:

And I'm sorry. I didn't write down who that person was. It doesn't have to be by name or or relate whatever. We wanna identify him by. My son.

Connie Smith:

Son. Okay. Alright.

Cindy:

So, he is an event person. Like, totally gets caught up in whatever he's doing. I think part of this happens to do with the fact that he's he does have ADHD, and so people with ADHD do hyperfocus. That's one thing that they so when you hyperfocus, then you start to, lose track of time. So he does get track, lose track of time.

Cindy:

The positive side is is that, you know, he could become an expert in things. He can he's self taught in so many areas because he, because he's self taught in many areas. He gets he gets off. So he's late when showing up and late just late in general. K.

Cindy:

And, he also too, like, as a, as an event person. He loves beautiful things around him. He likes nice atmosphere. He likes you know, if he goes to a nice restaurant, he he just he likes, you know, clothing is important to him. I mean, not super important, but, you know, he does think that fashion does count a little bit.

Cindy:

And, and also too as an event person, he let me look at here. He goes by what he feels. He's totally a feeling person. So if it doesn't feel good, it must not feel it must not be right. And so this, this plays into also his other personality, which I I mean, other orientation, because it's it's really one way.

Cindy:

He's a very black and white person. So, and however, if he is if you tell him how you feel that, oh, that kinda makes me feel sad or that kind of is, then he actually is compassionate, and he does he does, as an event well, I think as an event person, he does care about how you feel. And so that is him. Now the interesting thing is is that he is directive in giving out. K.

Cindy:

Like, he likes to direct people. That's why he likes teaching. But he's selective in receiving when he likes to be he likes people to give him options, but he's very directive in the way he he gives out. So he's both. It depends on whether he's the receiver or he's the giver.

Cindy:

And so as the, and so as a direct as a directive person, you know, he's confident in his teaching because he teach if especially if he's teaching a subject that he really likes, like history. And just as you were saying, he he because he's directive, he sometimes has disagreements or disagrees with, and because he thinks he's right, with the government and with some authority figures, he can

Connie Smith:

And so then you're also saying he's he is dichotomistic.

Cindy:

That's it. He is dichotomistic to the t.

Connie Smith:

Alright.

Cindy:

Which I mentioned. Like, if it doesn't fit into a new category, it doesn't compute, and and it's very hard for him to wrap his mind around it. So that's why he needs time, He needs a lot of time, to pros you know, because it's gotta fit into a category. And if it doesn't fit, then then he gets all out of sorts. So so, he so he's in turmoil when he's making a decision because he's trying to figure out, like, as a selective, and also to as a, as a, what did we just say?

Cindy:

As a what was that last print that last we were gonna we just dichotomy. The dichotomous person. He because he's gotta get it right. If he doesn't get it right, then he feels like, you know, the consequences are gonna be huge. And so while he needs a lot of selection, or a lot of choices as, okay.

Cindy:

Choices. He needs a lot of choices, but these choices gotta be right. So, as a dichotomous person. And so, for example, when he was trying to, you know, decide whether or not he was gonna go to China to teach, he was really, distraught in trying like, turmoil, in making this decision because he had a lot of what ifs. What if China goes into lockdown?

Cindy:

Again, what if there's a world war? What if the economy collapses? And so because he can't peg it, he can't deal with, the the gray. He's gotta be very black and white. So it took him a it god almost had to force his hand to make a decision because there were no choices here in Canada.

Cindy:

So by god's grace, he gave him no other choice but to go to China, and that was by far the best decision, even though China has got, you know, whatever. But and he ended up really loving it. But because of his orientations, of so it's he's he's multiple. So he's directive in his giving. He's selective in his receiving.

Cindy:

He's dichotomous in his the way he processes these many choices that he feels he needs to have. It takes him it creates turmoil, and it takes a while. And sometimes it's not until the the hand of God that forces him that he he actually is being steered. So I am just so thankful to God

Michelle:

Mhmm.

Cindy:

And how he deals with our personalities because he knows that this son has problems and is in turmoil. He need tons of and he can't make up his mind until the very last minute. And by that time, you've already, like, closed the door because you're waiting to the last minute. These opportunities, job offers don't they they don't, you know, they they they do expire. Exist.

Cindy:

Yeah. Yeah. They expire because they gotta hire somebody. So Matthew is oops. I already said his name.

Cindy:

But, anyway, he is, trying to make a decision. And so, you know and because he cannot he feels if he makes the wrong decision. Oh, why don't come to an end. That's it. That's the end.

Cindy:

You know? And so he it is it's really interesting how to to take my son to help me understand how to deal with people with different orientations depending on, again, whether you're giving or you're receiving and trying to figure that out.

Connie Smith:

Alright. One of the things that that I see in helping you analyze your son is that not only does he have these orientations to, contend with, but also there are some problems in his belief system.

Cindy:

Okay? He nailed it.

Connie Smith:

Okay? And so for him to get to be free, to be in control of these things, you see, he's not in control of them. But the belief system, he has to have some truth to work with here. And so he will become less, extreme once he has some truth. And that, he will begin to loosen up

Cindy:

the

Connie Smith:

the only one right choice and the rest of them are damned. Okay? But there's there's some beliefs there that are fueling his behavior. Now, then there's a whole problem with the ADHD problem. I'm sure you're also very aware that most people with that do focus to the nth degree until some they're distracted, which may take a moment or a long time, but they get distracted easily once the if the distraction is stronger than the focus.

Connie Smith:

And so not only do we have this focus on this, but now we've got this other input coming in that I don't know what to do with because I'm so focused here. But I can't let this one go because it may and then all of a sudden, I dropped this focus, and I'm focused on this because I found that I cannot focus on 2 or 3 things at one time. So, you know, there's all kinds of things that are feeding into the extreme way that he is expressing where he is on the continuum.

Cindy:

Now I really I really appreciate I think the best, what you said at the very beginning is, in dealing with a young person a younger person, it is the categories are need to be expanded. And, you know, life is going to life experience is going to give him another category to, to work off of. And so he does, learn by mistakes, which is good because if you yeah. I mean, because some people don't. And, so he does learn from his mistakes, I mean, because they're painful.

Cindy:

So he does I mean, pain is something that That you're avoiding. Yeah. That you're avoiding. However, it's like and when you talk about the belief sets, I also really appreciate what you said that it's our belief system that drives our behavior. It determines our behavior.

Cindy:

It controls our behavior because it is truly it's some of his belief systems that do. And, but he's not open to changing those belief systems. And so just like that's why I was saying, I was like, what Stone, I agree I mean, I learned from Stone's example, how you're giving her advice is that, in in that case, if somebody is not willing to receive, how then you just need to ask God for mercy to be able to, you know, continue in that relationship with that person. And I just need to clear my side, and, you know, let God work on clearing his side. And so and I'm only responsible for my response, but I'm not god is not gonna judge me by how other people judge me by how other people treat me.

Cindy:

So, so, anyway, it's, yeah. So I

Connie Smith:

just Cases like this where you are in this close relationship as his mother, you are in this close relationship, You can help him through these, where he is on the continuum and how he is behaving. You can help him, but you can't fix him. Yeah. Okay? So you have to determine in each case how you can help him and how, figure out ways of helping him sort out the options.

Connie Smith:

You know? Of these of these three options, let's start there. Of these first three options that we have, which is the one that, that you feel is a good fit. Don't make it a right or wrong thing, but that you feel would be a good fit. Just pick one of these 3.

Connie Smith:

So now we're only dealing with 3 things. Okay. So now let's pick another 3. So we've got that one over here, and we put the other in the trash basket. Now the problem is, as we learn learn, learn that after you've done all this, he still may go back and pick these things out of the trash basket to work through.

Connie Smith:

Okay? But so then you take another 3 or 2 or 4 or 9. You know? But limit limit what you're deciding about. So of these 3, which is the one that, interests you the most?

Connie Smith:

No. You have to make a decision on that. Which one of these interests you the most? Okay. Then you can put the other 2 over here, and you can put this one here.

Connie Smith:

Keep doing that till you get at least 3 down here. I mean, the number's arbitrary, and I'm only using this as an illustration, not as a as a tool. And so take that one one at a time. And now when you say, okay. Now of these 3, which just feels good?

Connie Smith:

We don't want to talk about reasons or pros and cons, but deal with just an immediate reaction. Of these three now, what would you feel would give you the greatest fulfillment? You see that kind of thing and move through these options. So he's had a lot of options, but he's only had to pick out of a a few at a time. And that might help.

Connie Smith:

I mean, it's just an idea. I don't know how he would react. But perhaps you could help him come to decisions that way or help teach him to take this big pile of options and just take a few at a time. And so of those 3, I don't know why I say 3, but, anyway, 3, this one sounds the most promising to me. So these are in the trash can, but the trash has not been emptied yet.

Connie Smith:

And he needs to be aware that this decision still we can go back to the trash can, and we're not gonna empty that trash can. But we have decided that out of this bunch, this one seems best for whatever reason.

Cindy:

I like, how you phrase that because I think that, this one sounds the most promising to me or this one sounds sounds the best. Not, this is the best. No. No. This is because, again, as a, as a person who really has problems with can have problems with, you know, people telling him what to

Connie Smith:

do Right.

Cindy:

Can't say I mean, the way

Connie Smith:

you're leaving choices these are all choices from him. Yeah. Yeah. And you're leaving him to say which one of these. And I tried really hard in my wording not to ever say best or right or most right or whatever.

Connie Smith:

But how do you feel about it? How do you what what of this would give you the most fulfillment. It isn't. His he would not make a decision based solely on monetary gain, I don't believe. A choice like this.

Connie Smith:

I think he would want to have some sense of fulfillment of a job that I I'm I'm liking or that I feel accomplishing. And so go from from that standpoint. And, you know, we're not going to dis we're gonna put these over here, and we're going to put the ones that we chose over here. So we're not gonna destroy these. They're still there.

Connie Smith:

So the your next choice is not the end of the world yet. Yeah. You know? That kind of thing. So, anyway, this is going to be a son over whom you are going to have to deal with with much love, much grace, much mercy, and wisdom.

Connie Smith:

And all of these are at your disposal from your heavenly father. And I'm sure there's also gonna be a lot of frustration. And out of this frustration, you do already know means by which you can get that resolved So that you're only dealing with the frustration in front of you today, not this whole wake of frustration that's built to about more than I can contain. So, again, short accounts and all of this. But never cease to understand that he is a full blown human being with his own set of choices, his own set of responses, and his own set of feelings.

Connie Smith:

And as frustrating as may be, you're in a place that walk close enough to your father that that these things that you need and request of him are there for for you immediately. But the keeping of really, really short accounts is very important on your part.

Cindy:

Yeah. That's the that's the daily challenge.

Connie Smith:

Yes. It is. And as a challenge, it is this son worth it. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Connie Smith:

Not only on his mother's behalf, but on God and all the people that his life is going to touch. He's worth every bit of help to be able to live out who God created him to be, and then on top of that, redeemed him to be. And is that not the goal?

Mike Banker:

This is this is a great example, I think, of, he said he, doesn't like other people to tell him what to do. K. That's a response to somebody that's very directive.

Cindy:

Yep.

Mike Banker:

So if you're gonna speak his language, then you can't tell him what to do. He's gotta he's gotta realize it's his idea. So the way you present it is is like Connie's talking about is just drying him out and helping him to discover what is it is he wants to do. And somehow I learned this long ago as you can't tell don't tell if somebody comes for sessions and they don't listen to anybody, well, don't tell them what to do. Yeah.

Mike Banker:

Make sure that that's the last approach he is because they won't listen.

Connie Smith:

And one way on that one is to say don't say, we're gonna pray now. Say, would you join me as we pray to open this session? Would you join me as I open it?

Mike Banker:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

So you're not telling them to pray now or to do this or to do that. And in your session so, alright, you have all these things against this person. What do you want done with it?

Mike Banker:

Yes. Exactly. What do you want

Connie Smith:

done with it? Yeah. That's exactly. Why did you tell your heavenly father and lay all this stuff out there on the table? Why did you do that?

Connie Smith:

What is it that you want to do with this stuff?

Mike Banker:

And it works great because in the end, it was their idea. Don't force them to do anything.

Connie Smith:

Their choice. Their choice. You see.

Mike Banker:

So it's very effective, actually. It'd be totally ineffective if you go the other route. Yeah.

Connie Smith:

And you don't wanna say, and so what's the next step?

Mike Banker:

But that's you telling them what to do. Yeah. Yep. Alright. Let's see.

Mike Banker:

So, I guess, Donna

Connie Smith:

Why don't you go first? You don't know if they have to be last. I'll go after you.

Mike Banker:

Last? Well, I didn't do my homework, so why don't you go? No. I did

Michelle:

part of

Mike Banker:

my homework.

Connie Smith:

Okay.

Mike Banker:

Why don't you do yours because I didn't finish?

Connie Smith:

Alright. Well, I just did my I'll have to be

Michelle:

left. Okay.

Connie Smith:

Get back to where it is. Okay. I did my husband. He is event. He's, easily distracted.

Connie Smith:

Arriving late is no problem at all. He's not time at all. For example, if I say, you know, he'll say, what time do you wanna go to church tomorrow? And I say, well, let's leave it 9:30. Well, what happens is at 9:30, he steps into the shower.

Connie Smith:

Yes.

Connie Smith:

So I have learned I just drive by myself because I used to get so anxious and so, like, better start getting ready, better stop doing that. Like, that's not I'm not supposed to be mothering him, and it's not good for me to give like that when I'm gonna go to church and try to worship God. I just go. I say, see you later. And if he comes, he comes.

Connie Smith:

And if he doesn't, he'll I'll come home and go. I watched it online. So I just I don't care. You know? I'm not offended that he's not going to church with me if if he doesn't come.

Connie Smith:

So I've learned I cannot I cannot move him, so it doesn't there's no sense trying to make that happen. Okay. He he is holistic in the fact that he, tells stories, goes down rabbit trails in the story and might not get to the point of what why he started the story. Slow to make decisions. He'll have a goal.

Connie Smith:

Like, for example, he wanted to fix this drainage problem at the house this summer. He said we gotta do that because water came in our house last winter. But then I was the one who say, well, let's, you know, call somebody and let's do it now. See then at the end, he goes, well, thank you for helping me get this done. I said, what was your idea?

Connie Smith:

But I he said, well, if you hadn't helped me, I wouldn't have gotten it done this year. So I helped him get the steps, but I'm glad he had the idea and actually talk to the people. He is selective, and he loves to learn from other people. He'll always always pick people's brains on how did you do this? What did you you know, fishing is this what kind of lure did you use?

Connie Smith:

How did you catch it? What's how much you know, he's he learns from everybody or how do you fix things? How do you why do you like this machine better than the other? He's constantly learning. He is frustrated with lack of choices.

Connie Smith:

Like, one example is seat belts. You know, it's kind of like you're supposed to wear 1, period. No choice. So that really frustrates him, so he doesn't wear it. So I just say, you know, can you put your seat belt on?

Connie Smith:

But I don't get I used to say it's the law. The reason is I don't want to hurt. I don't you know, I just can't do that. So now he's actually started

Michelle:

playing a little bit.

Connie Smith:

What I learned to say when I have those people in my car that don't want to wear their seat belt, I say, well, then we're not going to go anywhere because my insurance will not cover you if you do not have your belt

Connie Smith:

on. Yeah. That's good. Well, I mean, even one time I said, I don't wanna take care of you if if you end up, you know, in a hurt. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life pushing you around in a wheelchair.

Connie Smith:

You know? Nothing nothing works. So, anyway but he is directive when toward me. If he, you know, wants me to do something, he doesn't give me choices. You know?

Connie Smith:

So it's interesting. I think, Michelle, you said maybe your son has a little bit of split. I thought that's interesting because he wants a lot of choices. But I thought, well, you don't like me telling you what to do. Why are you telling me what to do?

Connie Smith:

So but I guess I have, when you talk about we need to adapt, there is in the I know we're not basing this on scripture, but there is scripture that has helped me because, in the amplified bible, when it says submit to your husbands, the amplification of it is adapt to them. I thought, okay. I I'll adapt. Since I know he's this way and I can't move him, I've tried to tried to move him off his position.

Cindy:

I like that. Yeah. I like that. I dance to him. And then version.

Connie Smith:

That's the amplified. Yeah. And the other thing I like is, I think there's there's one verse about do it as unto the lord. So if he's being directive and it kind of rubs me the wrong way, it's like, well, you know, Jesus asked me to do this, would I make, you know, would I have a fit note, which is just do it, you know, it's not it's nothing worth getting my dander up about. So that's those are that's my example.

Connie Smith:

Okay. Guess what profession this man is re, retired from?

Mike Banker:

I I know the answer to that. So I do.

Connie Smith:

But from what she said, what do you think would been his profession?

Connie Smith:

Lawyer?

Connie Smith:

Yeah. Oh, he made a terrible lawyer.

Mike Banker:

Fisherman.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. As long as he he wasn't in. Okay. Salesman. He is an airline pilot.

Cindy:

Really? I would have never guessed that.

Connie Smith:

He was for many, many years, and he was a good pilot.

Connie Smith:

Yeah. Excellent. Very good. But they I even tell these sometimes. Well, as

Connie Smith:

the captain, people have to

Connie Smith:

do and I said, I'm like, you're not my captain. You're my husband. The cat in the cockpit you know, when I say that in the airlines, it has to be done. You can't be arguing. Like, this is not a airplane.

Michelle:

So

Connie Smith:

But do you see how he's had to now now this is a man who is not introspective.

Mike Banker:

Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

He's not introspective. But he is able because he loved flying. He loved being a pilot. He was able to go clear to the other side and punctual, tension to every detail. Still got in his jollies of talking to people.

Connie Smith:

If he had an opportunity, I'm sure that he would have put it to his co pilot or to his autopilot and come back and talk to everyone one of his passengers, if that could be. I, because he's very, very,

Mike Banker:

very audience.

Connie Smith:

But in every area that it took to be a good pilot, he would not have left one detail to chance.

Connie Smith:

That's true. Mhmm.

Connie Smith:

So here's a case of somebody being able to, even without any identification of doing so, able to adjust to what was most important to him. Interesting. Interesting. Okay. Is, so we have one more?

Mike Banker:

Yep. But this time, Appa. So I I tried to work through a previous colleague, a teammate that I used to work with. And, we had a lot of we were friends, but we also had a lot of conflict. And I was trying to decide what the that was about, you know, that conflict, and I I didn't get all the way through it.

Mike Banker:

Actually, I had a problem. It's like I could in an intuitive say way, I could say he is event oriented, and he's holistic, and he's and he's, well, towards nationals, he was quite directive, but towards expats, he was quite selective. But and I could say that in intuitive ways, but I couldn't I couldn't come up with the evidence of that. So I looked at, Don Mauser's little charts, and I I that are in our book here. And I found those were really those were really helpful to get getaways, to to help me figure that out a little bit.

Connie Smith:

Particularly the part that, the under the title under the title of what to look for?

Mike Banker:

Yes. Yeah. What when and where.

Connie Smith:

When, where situations to look for in determining.

Mike Banker:

And so this helped me because I think I'm, I don't see the pieces as much as I see the whole. So I have this intuitive answer, but it it's not very precise. So I got I got a ways into it, but not completely. Just in general, he was always busy, always running here and there, always doing so I based on that, I thought time time oriented. Very difficult to translate for him.

Mike Banker:

When he speaks, he's all over the place. And so it's I don't think he's got a lot of boxes. He puts stuff in. Everything's tied to everything, and it comes out that way when he speaks, I think. So I think he's holistic.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm.

Mike Banker:

And then, like, when he teaches, he would throw I I was trying to decide if this fit into these categories, but he'd throw a 100 articles at his students. You so that's quite selective. It's not directive. It's read it and figure it out yourself kind of a

Connie Smith:

Yeah.

Mike Banker:

Approach. But

Connie Smith:

anyways And I think I think one is I I think you're right there. But, also, just that thing throwing the articles at them, I think that will come under, the one that's called, performing. Okay. And when we talk about that, this yeah. He didn't give them just any article.

Connie Smith:

He gave them an article that was written by an expert.

Mike Banker:

Yes. And they were grouped by topic, of course, but but there was no there he wasn't very directive on his part and say, well, there's 8 authors. Here's the right one.

Connie Smith:

Right.

Mike Banker:

It was quite, selective, decide for yourself kind of approach. But, very generous and very kind, but Mhmm. Just kinda, like, all over the place and always running everywhere. And it didn't answer the question whether it's conflict, but it it did. I guess it it not completely, I think.

Mike Banker:

But, I guess it feels too selective to me, too holistic to me. So he's farther to the holistic side than I am. Yeah. And it just doesn't feel like there's enough direction. So he's obviously more more selective than I am.

Mike Banker:

So I guess that's maybe what caused some of the uneasiness between us is

Connie Smith:

And what kind of students would do well with this his kind of teaching?

Mike Banker:

Well, I'd say Western.

Connie Smith:

Well, I mean, on the continuums.

Mike Banker:

Oh, on the continuums. Well, if his so he is being quite, well, I think if if they if those students prefer selective, then that's what they would they would do well with him. And if they prefer, I'm losing my words here.

Connie Smith:

Directive. Directive.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. If if they prefer a teacher that's not so directive, they would do they would do well with him.

Connie Smith:

So it would certainly have to be a self starter kind of person. Right?

Mike Banker:

Yeah. Self yeah. That's right. Self starter, self initiative, self motivated. And, self directed.

Connie Smith:

That that tends to be more towards the left side.

Mike Banker:

Right. Yep. Okay.

Connie Smith:

And a poor a poor selective person would just be absolutely overwhelmed without more direction on what to do with all these articles.

Mike Banker:

Right. Yeah. But I think of a directive person, though, more studying for the test, I guess, and that's not this. This is a different this is quite a a thinking oriented process. If you're gonna learn anything, it's gonna have to be through a lot of thought.

Connie Smith:

Oh, yes.

Mike Banker:

And so I so I had trouble pegging the students as far as who would fit this. But

Connie Smith:

Yeah.

Michelle:

But

Mike Banker:

you're right. They have to sort through that list, and and they have to make their choices. And so they they would be that more directive than he is. Yeah. Because they have to figure it out.

Connie Smith:

Or they would have to be at least on the directive side rather than the

Mike Banker:

Right.

Connie Smith:

The selective side.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. Yeah. But I also from my experience in Asia, well, let's just say it differently as most Chinese expect the teacher to be quite directive, and they don't know I don't think if you gave them a 100 articles, they would know what to do with it.

Stone:

Absolutely.

Mike Banker:

So it is definitely that's why I said it's more Western in it. So we're we're good with western, missionaries, but I don't think it would work with nationals very well. That's that's my

Michelle:

Well, and

Connie Smith:

it would not work with, selective foreigners.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. That's true too. Yep. So, anyway, it didn't really completely answer the conflict part. I think that had to do more with just our basic view of missions, I think, and how

Connie Smith:

Well and there may we still have, you know, 3 4 no. 3 other continuums that we haven't gotten to yet.

Mike Banker:

Okay. Well, there's hope that I'll find the answer then.

Connie Smith:

Well and, you may not find an answer that fixes the problem.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. That's true.

Connie Smith:

You may find is is some options on which to try to understand the problem.

Mike Banker:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

But just because you understand, just because you do your part in in communicating Sure.

Mike Banker:

Sure. Yep.

Connie Smith:

The receiver has to do his part. And if you don't have both people doing their jobs, you're not gonna have good communication.

Mike Banker:

That's true. And there's other complications, like we're in different places. So communications by Zoom or something like this, so that's not the best way to handle it.

Connie Smith:

Is a whole lot better than a text.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. It is. It's way better than

Connie Smith:

a text. I say you can give me an answer, but we cannot have a we I refuse to have a discussion by text.

Connie Smith:

No.

Mike Banker:

Right. Exactly.

Connie Smith:

I said, I'm answering your question number 4. And before I can get you that answer, because I can't type and think and write that fast, you've already asked me 3 more questions. But when you read my text,

Michelle:

you

Connie Smith:

don't remember that this was an answer to questions way up here. You're gonna take it. It's the one directly re related, and it isn't.

Mike Banker:

I thought I was the only slow typer.

Connie Smith:

Oh, k. I technology, I might get there, but it takes me a 1000000 miles.

Mike Banker:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

Okay. So So has has this been oh, are there any comments or or anything?

Mike Banker:

Just have one last question. This always busy, always running here and there, always doing, that's to me a science that's somebody that's driven by time and efficiency. Is that

Connie Smith:

Well, that could well be as long as he is actually accomplishing something with all of these running around. Well, it's That

Mike Banker:

way, you find the conflict too is,

Michelle:

And

Connie Smith:

part of the conflict here might be, whole is yes. Holism. And that I know I need to get all these things done, but I can't take out the pieces and focus on when to get it done. I'm just running to and fro.

Mike Banker:

Yeah. No. It that's it.

Connie Smith:

I can't stop and focus on one. I've got them all in my head, and so I'm running over here and do what it can hear and then running over here. So, but, again, it is a good observation.

Mike Banker:

Mhmm. Okay. Okay? Alright. Thank you.

Connie Smith:

I can think of of so many instances, in my life, that would so so, illustrate these points. But, of course, my stories are always too long, so I will not do that.

Mike Banker:

Okay. I I limit you to 3 minutes per story.

Connie Smith:

Where do I start? Alright. Here here's one that's just on the tip of my tongue. Person who understands this model. He's, we're in Morocco, and this young man has made a contact with a national.

Connie Smith:

And it seems like it's gonna go somewhere, just in relationship wise. And, so they meet together at a certain time at a certain place. And then so that's this week. Next week, we're going to meet there again. And so he goes to the bus stop to to where this guy is going to be coming from, and he waits.

Connie Smith:

And all the buses. He waits an hour after. He waits another half hour, and then he decides the guy's not coming. Now because he had access to this model, instead of saying, oh, the guy is just not interested, and he lied to me, and he's not gonna meet him, blah blah blah blah, and just write him off. He thought to himself, this guy seemed really interesting, interested interested in in a relationship.

Connie Smith:

I realized that that he is more event related. So maybe he got involved with something. Anyway, I'm gonna come come tomorrow at the same time, at the same place, to see if he's on that one. So he began to doubt, but he went there the second day. He went there the 3rd day.

Connie Smith:

On the 4th day, he went, and this guy shows up. And he says, oh, I'm so sorry that I didn't make it the other day when I was supposed to. I really wanted to do this, but my uncle Joe's son was sick. And I had to take him to the hospital, and then we had to wait for this test and wait for that test. And and and and and and now he's better, and so I came today.

Connie Smith:

So by knowing this, they then continued the rest of the time that we were in Fez. They continued to grow a relationship, just because this guy didn't make a judgment that this guy was not interested because he didn't show up. He instead gave him the benefit of the doubt and tested to see. Now I don't know what he would have done if he hadn't been there the 4th day. The fact that he went back with this in mind is the point of the illustration.

Connie Smith:

Mhmm. Okay? That's enough. That was more than 3 minutes.

Mike Banker:

You did good, Kevin. Alright.

Connie Smith:

It's important if we want to work with people.

Connie Smith:

Yeah.

Connie Smith:

People are precious. Therefore, it's important that we do everything that we can to reach them. There are people who do not wanna be reached. Then we can let them go and let them just let them be. They have their choice.

Connie Smith:

We can continue to pray or whatever or not. But I take this from this thing of God. He says Jesus said, if you go into a village and I would say this, you're going to meet some meet people, and you find a man of peace, otherwise, someone with an wants to hear what you have to say, then stay and minister to him and maybe reach the whole village. But if you don't find a man of peace, and, of course, you're asking the the leading of the Holy Spirit. I realize all that, but that all comes as a given.

Connie Smith:

You shake the dust of the village off your feet, and you go on to the next village because there might be somebody there who longs to hear what you have to say. So we don't wanna get tied up in things. And as far as friendship, evangelism, you've already heard my take on it. You cannot mandate friendship based on what you hope to be the outcome of that relationship. And when it's not, that you can just toss the person aside.

Connie Smith:

That is not being a friend. So, anyway, I'm done. Okay. You have no homework tonight because we didn't have anything new. But tomorrow tomorrow what day is today?

Connie Smith:

Oh, today's Friday already. Oh. Yeah. Well, tomorrow then, we will probably be able to get right into it, and we will be talking about how you go about accomplishing something, the striving, whether it's through your own individual through individual effort or whether you accomplish best through working through a group or in relationships.

Cindy:

Is that the casual careful?

Connie Smith:

No. That's that's the, individual effort. Oh, okay. It's it's the one, that come that's called, striving. Otherwise, how you go about, getting a job done, whatever that might be.

Cindy:

Is this this accomplishment through individual effort or accomplishment through relationship? Yes. Is it that? Okay.

Connie Smith:

That's the one. Okay. Fine.

Mike Banker:

Okay. Donna, you wanna did I have you pray today, Donna? I can't remember. People are gonna have to somebody else should do this.

Connie Smith:

Mm-mm. You didn't.

Mike Banker:

But would you mind closing us?

Connie Smith:

You're talking to me still? I didn't

Mike Banker:

Yeah. Would you mind closing us in here?

Cindy:

Yeah. I wasn't sure

Connie Smith:

what you put the first word wasn't it. Okay. Heavenly father, we thank you for this time. We thank you for the examples that have been presented today and the wisdom from Connie of how to go about looking at these things. We ask for your help that we can, start to be aware of this, but the holy spirit bring these things to mind so we don't get offended and hang on to grudges and let that get in the way of us being free and free to free to be able to help people and free to be able to enjoy our lives and free to have a good relationship with God without blockages in among any of our relationships.

Connie Smith:

We ask for a hedge of protection on everybody, around there. As we leave and we pray for good rest, we pray for rest for Connie and strength to keep going, and we just ask you to bless her in Jesus' name. Amen.