Be Not Afraid

Kevin tells Harley about the rat incident and sings the Laverne & Shirley theme song. Plus: Father Dave’s Funeral Hits!

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What is Beardless, D*ckless Me?

For 25 years, Kevin Smith has tried to make his beardless, dickless twin of a daughter Harley laugh in real life. Now he does it every week on a podcast.

00:00:23
Speaker 1: Welcome back to beardless, dickless me.

00:00:26
Speaker 2: I'm Kevin Smith and I'm Harley Quinn Smith.

00:00:28
Speaker 3: A crisis man. Right before we went totally spased on anything, I was like, oh, let's talk about that.

00:00:33
Speaker 2: It happens.

00:00:34
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't I want you seeing me with this performance. Don't look at me. I'm supposed to be good at look at me, human being.

00:00:48
Speaker 2: I think of you so differently now I will never have the same respect.

00:00:54
Speaker 3: Motherfucker used to be able to get shipped done. Just spased on what we're going to talk about here. Let me tell you a fucking gruesome story. Man.

00:01:02
Speaker 2: Oh great, we'll start there. Awesome.

00:01:05
Speaker 3: So I'm walking. I'm out escorting the German the German consulate, uh toward Runyon Canyon.

00:01:14
Speaker 1: The girls walking, Lucky and.

00:01:16
Speaker 2: Birdie, they are dogs.

00:01:18
Speaker 3: They are the Germans. One is one and change. You know, they Mom twenty three and me because they cut her in half and counted the rings like, oh my god, and then they kept her together. Their guestimate is Lucky is between seven and eight or something like that. So Lucky took like a giant ship. I carry around pooh bag, so I'm picking up the pooh and I'm talking to mom Ley the same time, who went home today, right, My mom has been in the hospital for well over a month, and for the last like two weeks or we can have two weeks.

00:02:00
Speaker 1: She's been in.

00:02:00
Speaker 3: The rehabby unit of the hospital, not because she's like, I'm drunk, but because they have to teach her how to walk again after being in the hospital for so long. Since she went home today and saw Princess, her beloved twenty two year old fucking cat.

00:02:13
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I just walked over him, was.

00:02:15
Speaker 3: Like, hello, Yes, I'm talking to Grandma Momily. Momily h and this is yesterday. Momily went home today. This is yesterday talking to Momily picking up lucky shit and lucky shits bricks. The biggest shecky was lucky shitsy.

00:02:37
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

00:02:38
Speaker 1: So I'm picking up you know, I take the bag.

00:02:40
Speaker 3: I got these Snoopy Pooh bags. So I'm like, what's the point of having it unless Snoopy's gonna.

00:02:46
Speaker 1: Be on the outside in the way they give you a bag, put your.

00:02:48
Speaker 3: Hand in Snoopy Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, reverse it.

00:02:52
Speaker 2: What's the point about me?

00:02:53
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm like, I'm there, your mom paying an extra buck for the brand. I might as well be like, it's and I can get you Snoopy because what's in the bag is horrible. And plus all those little snoopies on the bag, if it's not inverted, they'd be like.

00:03:12
Speaker 1: They'd be feeling less like Snoopy and more like Charlie Brown.

00:03:15
Speaker 2: So true.

00:03:17
Speaker 3: So I'm picking up I invert the bag, and I'm picking up the ship and I'm talking to Momiley and I'm like yeah, and she's like, what are you doing. I was like, I'm picking up the dog shit mount because there's a garbage can like right here, so I'm gonna be able to throw it right out.

00:03:30
Speaker 2: So you're really multitasking and narrating the whole thing like it's a book on taping.

00:03:35
Speaker 1: And you know, Mommiy's life had out exciting. So she was like, Oh, tell me more Tiger.

00:03:39
Speaker 2: About they invertedoopy bag exactly.

00:03:41
Speaker 3: She was like, Oh, I'm proud of you Tigers. She's always proud of me. And I throw the dog shit out. While I'm throwing the dog shit out, the two dogs go nuzzling their nose into grass no more than fucking tops eight inches high, just normal ass brands right, maybe a little higher, but normal, you know, right on the side of the curve. Oh man, no warning whatsoever. Lucky pulls her head out of the grass like a bear yanking a salmon out of a stream. In her mouth is a fucking giant ass rat that is hanging out from both sides. Now before I'm flabbergasted, because I'm like, how fucking fast you gotta be to fucking snatch a rat? And this was your primary you know, fucking directive and ship and you just took a ship and all these things are coming on and still you're the presidents of mind. You just took your nose in and come out with this fucking.

00:04:45
Speaker 1: Like like any toy. It got the violent shape.

00:04:49
Speaker 2: Fucking Jesus Christ.

00:04:51
Speaker 3: Bro blood spattered everything. God, Birdie is like looking on like when's my turn?

00:05:02
Speaker 1: And it's really fucking like.

00:05:04
Speaker 3: I had to yank Lucky by the harness back so that it fell out of her mouth and crossed them across the street. You know, I look, I'm not I'm not a big fan of rats, but like you know, I don't want to see anything. Fucking Yeah, I suffer.

00:05:18
Speaker 2: This thing sounds like I say.

00:05:21
Speaker 3: The least, and they like, you've never seen someone more like fucking.

00:05:28
Speaker 1: Like very self.

00:05:28
Speaker 2: Satisfied, fucking murderer, bro Wucky crazy.

00:05:33
Speaker 1: When I took her out, she had the look of like, what can I kill today?

00:05:36
Speaker 2: I'm not looking at Waki the same.

00:05:38
Speaker 3: It was really tough, too, is when I'm getting at like after that, I'm like.

00:05:41
Speaker 2: That's why my cats are indoor, among other reasons. But if they brought home dead things, I'd be like, on the dead thing.

00:05:48
Speaker 3: Don't do it in front of me. Like I I watched it happen.

00:05:52
Speaker 2: I was like, no, no, from the snoopy bags.

00:05:57
Speaker 1: Help me fucking take the side of the rat.

00:06:00
Speaker 3: We're like it was horrifying. And ever since then, I have been looking at Lucky through a different sort of lens where she's like Mom had this theory where she's like, no, I never thought of this. She's like, maybe whoever had Lucky before us got rid of Lucky because she like grabs somebody's dog. And was like and then when Mom said that, I'll be honest with you, my wheel start turning because maybe, just maybe that's what happened to Shecky. No, for a second there, you were like, right, let's go, let's go for'm a citizens arrest.

00:06:42
Speaker 1: Down to the station.

00:06:43
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, that is no.

00:06:47
Speaker 3: The way rat, that giant rat was like, you know, not much smaller than you think.

00:06:53
Speaker 2: Mom is just carrying around this horrible horrendous wouldn't you secret?

00:06:59
Speaker 3: Wouldn't you? Because look, look how much I love Lucky. What is she going to tell say one day? Like I hate to tell you this. I can't live with the guilt anymore. Lucky Lucky was Lucky, was behind Chucky's.

00:07:18
Speaker 2: Yeah no no no no, no, no no no.

00:07:21
Speaker 3: And so many years go by, and I love Lucky so much that I'm like, how do I It's like a fucking you know, we've written a Hallmark movie. This is a lifetime movie. Right here.

00:07:30
Speaker 2: There really is a solid wucky come on, which.

00:07:33
Speaker 3: Could be called at midnight unlucky, unlucky in love oh or not so lucky so true or no come on.

00:07:45
Speaker 1: It's even sitting right there.

00:07:46
Speaker 2: What about at midnight?

00:07:47
Speaker 3: Moga at midnight is ridiculous. But they called her Wuckie, well actually not walky because people and also they look at it spelled and they'd be like they called her wookie, they called they call they called her lucky.

00:08:06
Speaker 2: They called.

00:08:10
Speaker 3: Well, that's the thing you got. She's fucking at the end that she takes the long walk and ship. But by then maybe it's justified because it's like she was a killer of fucking dogs.

00:08:20
Speaker 2: Well, he's breathing so loud right now, she's having nightmares about the No.

00:08:25
Speaker 3: She's sleeping the sleep of the jest because she's like, I took a life. My god, that's my purpose. I take it.

00:08:33
Speaker 1: I protected my man and my family.

00:08:36
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I sleep like a baby. Oh my god, man man, those two come rip roaring out of the fucking front door, in the front door, the pool deck door. When I let him out in the morning. Birdie more than lucky because they there's the squirrels hang out up there, like the squirrels take peanuts from my deck, plant them up on theres no ship. And I watched one fucking be like oh ship and fucking scamp up a tree and right up the wall.

00:09:03
Speaker 1: Only look down and be like.

00:09:04
Speaker 2: Wait do that again?

00:09:07
Speaker 3: That far?

00:09:10
Speaker 2: Why is it running like this?

00:09:17
Speaker 1: This sucker was so fat.

00:09:19
Speaker 3: I mean, like I still one misstep you fall into the waiting jaws of Walkie. Oh my god, And I've seen what walk does with a small animal in her mouth. I mean she said that animal did not go gently into that good night.

00:09:35
Speaker 4: As think about it, like proportionately speaking, In order for you to die the way that.

00:09:46
Speaker 3: Rat, probably you would have to be like a t rex, would have to take you in its mouth.

00:09:51
Speaker 2: Like not just like a giant, like a giant killer whale situation. Don't take us there, I'm taking.

00:10:01
Speaker 3: I'm taking it there, taking it right to the sea. It took. Yes, you're right, the killer, Well, well don't now you make it ridiculous. Now I'm feeling safe because I'm like, I'm.

00:10:12
Speaker 2: Never sorry killed great white hands.

00:10:16
Speaker 3: Down, fucking absolute psychotic murderers of the sea.

00:10:20
Speaker 2: I know that's that's that's right, Okay, that's what we were right now.

00:10:25
Speaker 3: The they are mindless killers.

00:10:29
Speaker 2: Are humans. Humans are mindless killers who kill more sharks every year, like a hundred times more than kill humans.

00:10:36
Speaker 1: I'm not advocating for killing sharks, but I don't want to be.

00:10:38
Speaker 2: If you were a shark and the humans were polluting your waters and sucking up your entire asp space to live once, you maybe even want to be like and they never they they usually don't do it intentionally. They think people are seals or like other animals. But I would be like, fuck you.

00:10:54
Speaker 3: Guys, sharks passion or ration.

00:11:00
Speaker 2: I love them.

00:11:01
Speaker 3: Look, I got nothing else.

00:11:03
Speaker 1: I don't want to fucking die. Is food for something else.

00:11:05
Speaker 3: And you were the one that took us to the sea, and first it was fucking killer whales, which I was totally fine with.

00:11:11
Speaker 1: Then you had to up the horror anti You were like a studio exectuate.

00:11:15
Speaker 3: Have to be a whale? Can be a shark?

00:11:17
Speaker 1: Can the shark be from space?

00:11:19
Speaker 3: Space shark studios?

00:11:26
Speaker 2: I have one quick question, even though you were this is gonna do a nice little I just I've been wondering, did blood get on you?

00:11:37
Speaker 3: No? Okay, But I took the dogs to the place we took Sam's green paw. That's where they get yes, And just because not only do they bathe them and cut their cut there, cut their noise, but they brush their teeth. And after what I saw, I was like, can you clean the fucking rabies out of my dog's mouth? And that's the thing. It's like, she she fucking bit down on a rat that bled in her mouth.

00:12:02
Speaker 2: Is there blood on the sidewalk? Like could you find the crime scene?

00:12:05
Speaker 3: I know exactly where it is.

00:12:07
Speaker 1: I'll never forget even though.

00:12:08
Speaker 2: Did you bury the rat?

00:12:10
Speaker 3: Fuck? No, what I moved the fuck on. It was a horror show. You think I'm going to Lucky the guy I'm waiting for the cops show up, and I'm like, officer, it was this horrible thing.

00:12:21
Speaker 2: You should have taken anoopie bag inverted it.

00:12:25
Speaker 3: I was trying to spare you this. But as I rocking at those dogs across the street away from because I pulled Lucky by the harnessment, so the rat came out of her mouth because she went back so fast. Because I was like, I'm not violently, but I yanked her back, she dropped the rat. We crossed the street. I had half a second to look back because I had to look back make sure no cars were coming. Wasn't the two pieces? I saw him a little foot going yeah, yes, yes, yes, oh nothing. There was no like, you know, he'll be fine, It's just a flesh wound. That motherfucker was bound for the great fucking rat Catcher in the sky.

00:13:06
Speaker 2: Well. I was hoping that it was. He was at least gone already.

00:13:09
Speaker 3: Live in hope, die in despa just like that fucking rat did in Lucky's mouth but didn't die when Lucky put it down, died, you know, hopefully soon.

00:13:20
Speaker 1: But we walked away still twitching. So please don't don't give me this like you should have bullshit?

00:13:26
Speaker 3: Would you have?

00:13:28
Speaker 2: I don't know.

00:13:30
Speaker 3: You would have been like, get do you do that? Ever? Like with the breathing ship, I can't breathe. Do you have one of those?

00:13:44
Speaker 2: And Inhaler, Yeah, because.

00:13:46
Speaker 3: That would be the moment fern Inhaler.

00:13:48
Speaker 2: Would it be like you one of these.

00:13:53
Speaker 3: Person either or one of these.

00:13:57
Speaker 2: Oh my god, different buddy. Honestly I would I would really saw what I saw, Oh yeah, just because it was like number one, it was it was horrifying.

00:14:09
Speaker 3: It's traumatizing. I'll cary that.

00:14:11
Speaker 2: I feel so bad.

00:14:12
Speaker 3: I feel so But number two you're just like that's nature in action. But number three, you know, you just don't like to see anything. You're like me, like, oh my god, fucking I don't want to see anything.

00:14:21
Speaker 2: Suffer WALKI always sits behind you, by the way, she's watching at all times.

00:14:28
Speaker 3: I love Wucky and I trust her like ninety eight percent. But whenever I lay on the floor, in Hugwucky. I always leave just enough room just in case Wucky turns.

00:14:37
Speaker 2: Remember when I was trying to get that one thing off of her one time and she was like, oh and she well, she was just she wasn't even making noise. She was just looking at me like, and I was like, Okay, I think I'm done.

00:14:50
Speaker 3: I think she she's I will say this about Luggy like she's absolutely loving stuff and she trusts. I think she's had to learn to try. Yeah, like because I think wherever she came from. Whenever I pat her, if I pet near her back, near her tail, she'll turn and look probably brow. I share with you a story of Walkie. Oh, I mean, I know some people are like, stop talking about your dogs, man, wont you talk about the fucking election? Row you talk about it, sell culture, talk about it. I'm gonna tell a story about a German shepherd dog.

00:15:28
Speaker 2: Stories beardless, beardless, dickless dog stories.

00:15:34
Speaker 5: They really are beardless also, So I'm walking these fucking dogs and Lucky, of course, you know, has had a litter of pups, at least one we know of, because Birdie is the result of that.

00:15:47
Speaker 3: The last fucking of the Walkie pups.

00:15:50
Speaker 2: Will be adopted. Yes, she was the last one because she was a little off, a little.

00:15:56
Speaker 3: A little bit small, but there's a little tea.

00:16:00
Speaker 2: But they called her Spunky.

00:16:04
Speaker 1: Lucky.

00:16:04
Speaker 3: That's Bertie was Lucky's golden ticket.

00:16:06
Speaker 2: Man, it's not literally.

00:16:08
Speaker 3: Mom went looking for a big ass, old ass German ship. She was looking for the pup. And then when they were like have you met the mom? What? He was like, Hello, He's like I could be good. So Walky knows that, like, look I got in on the fucking Maritsal. She doesn't know, but walk He's like once in walk He's like, I'm going to make you love me. Yes, I will.

00:16:36
Speaker 2: I believe that.

00:16:37
Speaker 3: I believe jumping Yes, sir Weed, I'm going to make you love me. Can you name? Can you name the group?

00:16:50
Speaker 2: What? Tell me?

00:16:53
Speaker 3: It's either the Supremes or Diana Ross and the Supremes. They started as the Supremes and then she stepped forward and they were like, yeah, I'm.

00:17:04
Speaker 6: Got a man. You love me?

00:17:09
Speaker 2: See them is really good.

00:17:16
Speaker 3: You're very easy.

00:17:17
Speaker 2: It's really beautiful.

00:17:18
Speaker 3: I hear it. Man, I've been doing a lot of thinking this morning on thank You. I don't know why, but we fell down the rabbit hole.

00:17:27
Speaker 1: Of oh because the girls.

00:17:30
Speaker 3: Yes, what you call your dogs when your child grows up, moves out, has your own house. The girls they went to Sam's Greenpaw, as previously mentioned.

00:17:40
Speaker 1: And when they get groomed they walk out with kerchiefs.

00:17:43
Speaker 2: Yes they do.

00:17:44
Speaker 3: They do have something on my face.

00:17:45
Speaker 2: No, sorry, I had to.

00:17:47
Speaker 1: I thought you were indicating me like.

00:17:49
Speaker 2: Everyone always thinks up the code. Don't talk about that show I told you on that note. Can you please stop like naming specifically as you go. It bothers me so fucking much.

00:18:04
Speaker 3: They'll never find me there, man, bru. They'll never find me at Sam's screen.

00:18:08
Speaker 2: So specific there. It's not even a change, you know what.

00:18:11
Speaker 1: It's a great place.

00:18:12
Speaker 3: They do, great job. I like to give them the ups. Sam's Green Ball, all right. So I was sitting there because the girl they've got their little kerchiefs on, like when they bathe them. They put these little cut it from like fucking pennies a pound fabric.

00:18:33
Speaker 1: But they're awesome, They're amazing, so awesome. And their theme to the fall they got leaves on the ship.

00:18:39
Speaker 3: So Bertie's is a little bit larger than Birdie and so the way it's been falling around her neck. She looks like Laverne Defasio from the classic seventies sitcom Laverne and Shirley. Oh my star Penny Marshall, who used to live the street that has been in this house when I interviewed her, you know, years ago on the podcast, so we've been calling her like Laverne. I tried to get a picture of her and then Mom was like, we got to get her a poodle skirt and I was like, oh, because that's what they were on vern show.

00:19:10
Speaker 6: We will It hasn't happened yet, but we will trust that will happen.

00:19:16
Speaker 3: But that led me to fall down the rabbit hole of the Vernon shirlet, which like, is one of the Your mom didn't watch a lot of TV. She wasn't like raised by the TV like I was. But she does know a surprising amount of jingles for somebody who did not get to watch as much TV, which has been backed up by Nana. Nana's like, I never let him watch TV. You know. It's like, well, you're fucking a terrible parents.

00:19:38
Speaker 2: Your problem.

00:19:40
Speaker 3: You want to look how she turned out watch TV? In nature she did Jennifer's always like we played what did you?

00:19:50
Speaker 1: We played the television over and over and over.

00:19:53
Speaker 3: It was our friend, our parent. It taught us things, and I honestly like so. So there we are both fucking singing the Lavernon Shirley theme, which begins with you probably didn't fuck with it, like reruns weren't a big part of your life. They were when we were kids because there weren't as many cable champs cable. There was no streaming, so you have watched like a lot of reruns and ship. So the Vernon Shirley always began with them kind of skipping down the street, fake street on the Paramount lot made to look like Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which is where it took place because they both worked for Shots Brewery m HM. So began with them going one, two, three, four, five, six seven, h Lamil schla Maazel Hassinfeffer Incorporated. Do you know what Hassinfeffer is? No, I do not. The German word for rabbit. I knew you were gonna inter up till now. I was watching your board eyes going he's going on about old people. Rabbit. I'm back in German word for rabbit. They really go overboards. So in any event. That's how they began, and then the theme song kicked it.

00:21:02
Speaker 1: But we're gonna do it.

00:21:05
Speaker 3: And these are the lyrics to the to the Laverne Shirley theme song.

00:21:09
Speaker 1: Then even your mother knows.

00:21:15
Speaker 2: I'm waiting.

00:21:16
Speaker 3: Give us any chance, we'll take it, Read us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doing it our way. There is nothing, no, no fucking wait up, nothing's gonna hold us back. Now, straight ahead and on the track. Now, we're gonna make our dreams come true doing it our way. There is nothing we won't try. Never heard the word impossible. This time, there's no stopping us. We're gonna do it. On your market set and go. Oh now, got a dream and we a show. Now we're gonna make our dreams come true.

00:22:08
Speaker 7: And we'll do it our way, Yes, oh way.

00:22:13
Speaker 1: Don't fucking smile, man, I'm about to cry.

00:22:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really charming.

00:22:19
Speaker 3: Crazy charming.

00:22:20
Speaker 7: Let me finish it and we'll do it our way, Yes, oh way, make our dreams come true, and we'll do.

00:22:27
Speaker 3: It our way, Yes, our way. Make a loud dreams come true for me and you. Right, that's the laberia Shirley theme song and it opened every episode and like fucking they went hard on shows, like nowadays they open shows.

00:22:48
Speaker 1: And they just start they fucking that whole fanfare. Charlie Fox wrote this fucking song.

00:22:53
Speaker 3: So I was thinking about Debby because we were singing it, and I was like, oh, I want to go here, and I pulled up on YouTube and I did this deep dive on fun Lavernon Shirley, and I realized, like that was a huge feature in my life. I got yelled at by my parents after my parents' first parent teacher conference. Mister Lodge was my kindergarten teacher and I would make her laugh all the time because I would do lines from Lavernon Shirley. Then when she had my my the parent teacher conference with my parents, She's like, he just he won't stop doing lines. And my parents came home like, why I always don't want Verna Shirley. You get in trouble on I'm like, but I.

00:23:33
Speaker 1: First betrayal by a woman.

00:23:37
Speaker 6: Second one in cell culture begins with mister Lodge, keep.

00:23:40
Speaker 2: Your heart's he did not ride.

00:23:42
Speaker 3: That's true.

00:23:43
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I was like, from mister Lodge to Waukie interested woman.

00:23:47
Speaker 3: So there I am like watch, I watched the show all the time, and like again, we didn't have a lot of options and ship and it was like peak appointment television, and it was a number only sitcom at least at that point that had launched at number one because they had been on Happy Days and this was a spinoff, and it's charming.

00:24:07
Speaker 1: It's like kind of like the Odd Couple, but with women.

00:24:09
Speaker 3: And they were both comedically like gifted and physical comedians and funny.

00:24:13
Speaker 2: They were familiar with I'm familiar breakthrough show.

00:24:16
Speaker 3: And then as time went on, like you know, it suffered the fate of many shows, which was like at one point, Cindy Williams got married and she's like, I want to do this anymore, but the network is like, are you fucking nuts? Is the cash count? So they like let her go and they kept calling Laverne surely even though it was just Laverne and the last season the show, every fucking opening credit sequence is the two of them. Last season, it's just literally Laverne. It's kind of sad, like they had moved to Hollywood by the last two or three seasons. They moved from Milwaukee to Hollywood shit, and the last you know, it was always like fucking them skipping in Milwaukee. When they moved to Hollywood, they did their one, two, three four coming out of like an apartment on you know, one of the side streets here in Los Angeles. And then the last season.

00:25:00
Speaker 2: Oh here he goes, here he goes.

00:25:05
Speaker 3: Remember this is just because Sidney Williams was gone, so it's just Penny Marshall. So it begins with a like eight kids, school kids going one, two, three, four, five six seven h and they pan up to Penny Marshall, like coming out of an apartment and seeing the kids and wistfully being like, ah, but she wasn't doing it no more, and like sure he was gone.

00:25:38
Speaker 2: Oh no, it was so crossed. He's cross sober, bro.

00:25:50
Speaker 3: And I watched an interview with Penny Marshall where she's like, look fucking like I didn't want to do it. I tried. I was hiding out at Lord Michael's place in New York. I didn't want to go back, but I asked for double the money and they gave it to me, and so fucking I went and did it. Shit, But it's kind of heartbreaking. But as I watched all the openings to that show. I realized that, like that, that show is a big part of why I do what I do. That song specifically was so fucking empowering. Think about it. My kids didn't grow my kids. My parents didn't grow up a fucking songs like you could do shit, you know what I'm saying. Like they grew up with like country songs or fucking leg love Me Do, or whatever the fuck the Beatles sing. This was an empowering, fucking anthem that literally said, at all costs, go for what makes you happy.

00:26:42
Speaker 2: The only other song comparable Yeah to that. I know you'll see somehow the world will change for me.

00:26:55
Speaker 3: So one.

00:26:59
Speaker 2: He loves that song. My dad loves Charley because it's it's very inspiring.

00:27:09
Speaker 3: It slaps you gotta be robot cannot be like I want.

00:27:13
Speaker 2: To from the beginning.

00:27:15
Speaker 3: Ready, Yeah, you know it better?

00:27:18
Speaker 2: Three four, I know you'll see somehow changed for me.

00:27:24
Speaker 3: He's so wonder.

00:27:29
Speaker 2: Life somehow, I know I'm going to get there and be so wander on the next I because remember, because when we listen to it, we listen to the because we do listen to it quite frequently, and we listen to the extended.

00:27:48
Speaker 3: Version Drake Josh or Drake Yes, but yes he comes to that point the way because he comes in like sole to me, so take it's how does it go? Son?

00:28:15
Speaker 2: What's the what's the next part?

00:28:17
Speaker 3: You know you won't be free? And until you wake up, members of my nation, it's your time to be. There's no chance unless you take one. Every time you see the.

00:28:35
Speaker 2: Brighter, brighter side up letation.

00:28:41
Speaker 1: Some things are meant to be.

00:28:43
Speaker 2: So get your best and lead the best to me, leave it all, to leave it all to be. It's like so sentimental and beautiful. And then he's like leave oh he.

00:29:01
Speaker 3: Comes into harmonize. That is a fucking jam in the hand.

00:29:04
Speaker 2: That one, That one really gets you. That one really just the.

00:29:07
Speaker 3: Way like I'm Hollywood Babylon, which I have to do later on tonight, Ralph. If he sings Beauty and the Beast, he starts crying.

00:29:15
Speaker 2: Really which song the.

00:29:18
Speaker 1: Beauty and the Beast. But it's the line, the one line that gets me every time.

00:29:22
Speaker 3: Because we're doing the show for fucking almost fifteen years, fifteen years, and it has come up multiple times. And if he you know, because he likes to fucking sing and show like that and he'll he'll say, I was like, really, what was and he's like, the Beauty and the Beast song really gets me. Really, it was like which one He's like, Beauty and the Beast that was like what part He's like, you know, it's just when they get to the bare leave and friends, then somebody bent and then he chokes up. Fucking serious, Missus Potts makes you cry, really beautiful, fucking said. And Ralph's normally a very hard guy.

00:29:52
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's sweet.

00:29:53
Speaker 3: But that fucking song that pushes my Ralph button where.

00:29:56
Speaker 2: I'm like, I want to keep making you cry? What else makes you cry?

00:30:00
Speaker 3: Now? I go back to finish my story. So I told you all that learning surely ship because that was a real discovery. That was a breakthrough for me this morning where I'm like that helped, like it definitely, you know, because my parents weren't like dream son, like never, and they weren't like have nightmare son because that's what life is. But they had no fucking example to point to to be like, oh, you couldn't fucking do something out of the ordinary. And ship it was like, honestly, like you fucking that's you know, I want to church right every week, and they fucking grind these gods songs into our head and show like that and some of them slap some of our bankers, but like can't look good music's good music, and ship fucking father and father Dave could fucking bust a goddamn tue like he always did it on a funeral that was an ultra boy and I'd have to serve the funerals and ship.

00:30:57
Speaker 2: Oh really, yeah, that's what that's.

00:31:01
Speaker 1: As an altimate what your job was.

00:31:03
Speaker 3: You do it all. But when you say serve a funeral, when I say serve a funeral, it means like you're doing the funeral, the mass part of the funeral while there's a casket that the caskets closed, has got to drape over it so it's just a coffee.

00:31:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you're around that body a lot of funerals.

00:31:18
Speaker 3: Then, Oh, bro, you how many funerals you've been into in your young ass life. You didn't bring in my dad's funeral By the time I was your age when my dad died, I went to a funeral week. Man, Like, funerals was such a big part of our lives, Like me and my brother and sister. You ask Coclodo and Virginia. One day we were surrounded by death because by the time we came into the world, like all of our older relatives and Ship were like dropping like flies.

00:31:43
Speaker 1: None of these fucking people were healthy as well.

00:31:45
Speaker 2: Should there's something to that, there's something there.

00:31:49
Speaker 3: That they would take it.

00:31:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot of people because with your therapist, I was, I was so really affect a person being around all the time.

00:31:58
Speaker 3: When you're around it, it's just a natural part of life.

00:32:01
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:32:02
Speaker 3: But like we saw dead bodies but all made up right. We never saw like the fucking moment of death. We always saw them in a wake, so they're lying. It's still terrible, the worst makeup onmaldehyde and ship.

00:32:14
Speaker 2: Oh, I recently only just saw my first, my.

00:32:17
Speaker 3: First first dead body in a coffin. Yeah, yeah, you never get your first. It's uh yeah, it's kind of well. We grew up around it and Ship and so I like, not only did we go to the wake, which is always boring for a kid who're sitting in a room with a bunch of grieving people who are crying and there's a dead person up front. You just want to hang out with your cousins and laugh. You can't laugh because it's inappropriate. Somebody fucking died.

00:32:41
Speaker 2: And this is like kind of giving me more insight, like I really thought I knew you completely.

00:32:47
Speaker 3: Yes, take you back in time to attend to one of my family funerals with And again, these were not relatives that were like, you know, my mom, my dad, or my grandmother. They were like cousins.

00:32:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, old like my mom's aunts.

00:33:02
Speaker 2: But you would have to participate in funerals for people you did not know at the church.

00:33:06
Speaker 3: As an altar boy. Yeah yeah, but you're not like like they're not like carry the.

00:33:10
Speaker 2: Body, but you are there.

00:33:12
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you don't even see a body.

00:33:14
Speaker 2: But that's not the point, but you're you're there.

00:33:16
Speaker 3: Fuck yeah, But so are other people in the church.

00:33:19
Speaker 1: Like this is the funeral mass.

00:33:21
Speaker 3: So there's the wake where they lay the body out and the coffin's opening and it's like this. Then they close the coffin, bring it to a church, and everybody who wants to go to the mask goes to the mass in the morning and ship and the coffin is on like a little gurney of sorts. It's carried in by six people Paul bearers, and then they put it on the thing, and then they put like a religious drape over it, and then the priest comes out and says some nice things about the well. First starts the mask. Then during the homily, instead of a homily mamily, they do a thing where they're like, you know, you know what, the dead guy was a good guy or the dead lady fucking meant everything with this beer, and then you know, ultimately and winding up of course with like but now they're with Jesus, and that what we all want a kid and be like, I don't know, like fucking that seems to be the.

00:34:02
Speaker 1: End of the party, but it's a party with Jesus.

00:34:05
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh yeah, I don't like wine and I don't like fish like loves, and I understand it's very good with those, so yes, we'll have plenty of bread in heaven.

00:34:14
Speaker 3: But I don't know avatory.

00:34:17
Speaker 1: I never got an answer on that ship.

00:34:18
Speaker 3: So still I would be there in Mass, and you know, he fucking sitting there ready to do the normal things one serves, like when you get to the Eucharist part where he raised the host, but he didn't go through all the like transubstantiation ship, which is where he lifts it up and it goes and being bred to like flesh and wine to like blood. It was already pre done because the funeral masses, you ain't good time for that ship. There's a dead body playing there. So it's like you start whipping out communion without doing the transubstantiation because you've already pre communioned it. Right, it's already been fucking blessed. That's the miracle of transubstantiation. You were raising the faith, so I'll give it to you one more time. Transubstantiation. Transubstantiation is when the East raises the host and makes all the blessings, and that host, we believe as Catholics, stops being wafer.

00:35:10
Speaker 2: What is a host?

00:35:11
Speaker 3: Host is the little communion wafer looks stops being the host and becomes the body of Christ. Literally, that's the body of Christ, not a symbol. The body of Christ. It would make a lot of sense if it was a symbol, but Catholics are like, oh no, that ain't no symbol. That's for real. Son. In any event, you do that.

00:35:31
Speaker 2: No comment, teach their own no comment.

00:35:35
Speaker 3: Then they you know, wrap up the mass and then you know, Father, do this ship, and everybody stand up and give final fucking blessing, And that is when everybody who's a family member starts crying because.

00:35:48
Speaker 1: This is the end of the mass, and the end of the mass.

00:35:50
Speaker 3: The next thing, as we drive to the cemetery, put the body into the ground as that so the tears are coming at this point, and that's when father fucking Dave, God bless him, as far as I know, never showed an entry, never fucked a kid because he had Oh my god, that's a great thing to say about a priest.

00:36:07
Speaker 2: Most I'm more than you could say about most priests, for sure, That's.

00:36:11
Speaker 3: What I'm saying. And he do so I'd like to give credit.

00:36:13
Speaker 2: Give a girl warning, my god, I like to give.

00:36:15
Speaker 3: Credit where credits due. Like how my father never went postal and shot up anybody in a post office, even though he worked at one, and people who work at the post office had reputations for that.

00:36:24
Speaker 2: You're just looking for the bare minimum.

00:36:27
Speaker 3: I put the bar a razor. Your father, Dave showed no interest in kids whatsoever. I was an altar boy, served years barely even know I existed.

00:36:40
Speaker 2: So in any of that, I didn't know what.

00:36:43
Speaker 3: Ah, no, you know. I was there to serve. But he was never like so you like girls. He kept it like I'm an adult. I don't give a ship. You serve like Jesus.

00:36:54
Speaker 2: But he could bust a tune.

00:36:56
Speaker 3: Bro this his father day. Oh, he brought the house down like what a showman. He would fucking rock him with this song.

00:37:05
Speaker 1: The song is be not Afraid.

00:37:09
Speaker 3: It's a religious standard, and the song is like, you know, you will pass through raging waters, but you shall not feel the wave, and you will pass through burning fires and you will not feel the heat.

00:37:22
Speaker 1: And the idea is the chorus is be not afraid.

00:37:26
Speaker 3: I go before you always come follow me, and I will give you rest. And these are the words of Christ apparently right. So you hear those words and you're like, all right, it sounds like a religious Father Dave. This this fucking if Uncle Don was here, he co signed this. He is invoking Father Dave. He's brought him to life. Is that Father Dave.

00:37:47
Speaker 1: Saying I don't know what they call this baritone.

00:37:49
Speaker 3: Whatever, be not of go for come.

00:38:08
Speaker 8: Ohove you, I swear to Christ.

00:38:19
Speaker 3: That's how he said that.

00:38:19
Speaker 1: That was That's terrible.

00:38:22
Speaker 2: No, no, I'm not. I'm not. No, I'm not fucking around.

00:38:25
Speaker 1: That's this podcast singing.

00:38:28
Speaker 2: No, that's clearly church singing.

00:38:30
Speaker 1: But like everyone can rock, fucking be not afraid on a podcast.

00:38:33
Speaker 3: I don't.

00:38:36
Speaker 2: I feel like the fucking world just shook or something.

00:38:41
Speaker 3: You know what, I did him justice, I could do that, thank you. We none of us knew father Dave could do it. I did because I served with him, so I knew it was coming every time. And so the ladies in the choir and Colin Bush on the organ, we all knew everyone else. Like most people when you're very relative, you're coming from out of town, it's all these fucks are like, oh man, this sucks our beloved one dot. They didn't know that fucking they were gonna get man performance by Billy Joel then was po man and the whole fucking place throwing up. O my god, they rocked it. Man.

00:39:19
Speaker 1: That was his fucking that was his stairway to heaven.

00:39:22
Speaker 2: Can you just give me one more little bit of that?

00:39:28
Speaker 1: Let me find the one line.

00:39:30
Speaker 3: It was so fantastic. Even if I as a kid, I get emotional and I'm like, fucking that fucking man. I hope I could be that faithful one day ready for this and my favorite line in that song, Kid, it's just so it's kind of metal. It is because they referenced fucking my guy. Here we go. Remember, it's a series of if you do this, if you do this, if you do this, and he's always gonna be there being not afraid because he's always gonna be there. God jeez, oh, same thing. Three persons in one God, God, the Father, got the Son, got the Holy Spirit. We'll get into it, Okay.

00:40:09
Speaker 1: Here is the best.

00:40:10
Speaker 2: Line in that I'm ready and.

00:40:13
Speaker 1: He fucking brought it home.

00:40:14
Speaker 3: This is like you know, this is we'll carry on like you gotta nail this or else.

00:40:21
Speaker 1: The rest of it don't fucking work right.

00:40:27
Speaker 3: If you stand before about your side, no, that with you through it.

00:40:45
Speaker 1: All pretending to sing.

00:40:52
Speaker 2: No, that's literally the Broadways singer and Stanton with operas.

00:40:58
Speaker 1: That is what throat singing.

00:41:01
Speaker 3: You need to sing from your diaphragm like he sang from his.

00:41:03
Speaker 2: You don't always gotta though, that's the.

00:41:06
Speaker 1: Rock the foundations of the church, Like fucking Samson.

00:41:10
Speaker 2: Bro you missed a whole last career path here, Like I swear to God.

00:41:14
Speaker 1: If I did, it would have been stolen from Father Dave.

00:41:16
Speaker 3: He missed the.

00:41:19
Speaker 2: You should try to get in the show. Why that my fucking mud?

00:41:24
Speaker 3: What do you mean?

00:41:25
Speaker 2: That's just respectful to like any opera singer? Here, I know, I sing from my gun, I sing from my gut, I sing from my people, sing from all places.

00:41:34
Speaker 1: But I sing from here, and that I are supposed to sing.

00:41:36
Speaker 3: That ain't real.

00:41:38
Speaker 1: That was just making that Father Day. That's me approximating Father Day.

00:41:41
Speaker 2: That's you blowing my fucking mind to smothering.

00:41:45
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this, Does it make you want to go to church at all?

00:41:50
Speaker 2: Perhaps your or Father Dave? Right, maybe I'd attend one.

00:41:56
Speaker 3: Mask you Uh, he had a fucking he had a banging voice. You know.

00:42:00
Speaker 1: He was hard on movies. That's where we different.

00:42:06
Speaker 3: I was a big fan when he sang. But whenever he was like, you.

00:42:08
Speaker 1: Can't go see the exor system, like listen, my.

00:42:12
Speaker 3: Father, can we go? Like wait, I'm not hungry, commune is coming out. I'm fi already passionate.

00:42:19
Speaker 2: Imagine Father Day.

00:42:22
Speaker 3: Oh passion even now at age fifty four, Like even though Father Dave was not remotely interested in me, you know, thank God, you know as a victim, but even as a human being, Like he kind of set the tone for how I treat children where it's just like.

00:42:40
Speaker 2: Hello, you're so he will not the old baby days. When Jay's first born, Logan was was born. When Jay Jordan's daughter was born, my dad literally was so creeped out by it, by her exists.

00:42:58
Speaker 1: To be the guy that drops the baby.

00:43:00
Speaker 2: Would not older, would not older his best friends child.

00:43:05
Speaker 3: You're the only kid I interacted with because I'm like, this makes sense.

00:43:09
Speaker 2: You literally are to every kid like like you're scared of them or something.

00:43:14
Speaker 1: The little ticking tom.

00:43:15
Speaker 2: Passion, Russian babies Russian for you for sure.

00:43:21
Speaker 6: Yeah, but not where I'm like, you know, abortions for all, I'm just not for me.

00:43:26
Speaker 3: I don't you know, I'm not. I don't need a baby or abortion for well, definitely abortions for all, yes, but.

00:43:34
Speaker 2: Just to be clear, but just to be.

00:43:36
Speaker 3: Clear where they were like tiny flags for all and they were like boo, and abortions for all and they're like boo, and they're like tiny flags for some abortions for others. They're like when Kang code tiny flags. They're talking conservative versus lib tiny American flags. What was my point?

00:43:58
Speaker 2: Oh you hate babies, big ration for you on the babies.

00:44:05
Speaker 3: I guess that leads us to our passion. Did I finish up on the fucking story?

00:44:09
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't even remember what happened before you started singing opera, so I have no fucking clue.

00:44:18
Speaker 3: Vernon Shirley opera not opera, that's church thing.

00:44:22
Speaker 2: No, also better known as opera.

00:44:27
Speaker 3: I feel like I was in the middle of a story too, and then I launched out to talk about it.

00:44:31
Speaker 2: Bro it don't matter, I did.

00:44:32
Speaker 3: I think I went back. It was mostly I wanted to get to the singing, but I remembered what I wanted to.

00:44:38
Speaker 1: Talk about ahead of the show was a Vernon Shirley, and we did.

00:44:41
Speaker 3: Oh we went deep.

00:44:42
Speaker 2: We went deep.

00:44:44
Speaker 1: But once again, I always want the show to be fucking short.

00:44:47
Speaker 3: And what is it right now?

00:44:48
Speaker 1: Oh, it's not bad.

00:44:49
Speaker 3: Forty four minutes. Let's passion I ration, because then we get out under an hour.

00:44:56
Speaker 2: While we're here, I would I would like to start with the with the main like of the week, passion irration.

00:45:02
Speaker 3: The passion irration my hold on for those who are just like, what the fuck passion irration is? The thing we do where we talk about our passion for the week, our ration for the week, the thing that you get more of this less of everything else, or the thing that's like less of this more of anything else.

00:45:20
Speaker 2: All right, and then we do like of the week, and then well sometimes and then and then we do rabbit fire.

00:45:25
Speaker 3: We did it once.

00:45:29
Speaker 2: Now we're doing this passion of the week. I didn't know my father is an opera singer, and it is a huge passion of mine now that he explores this, and it's ration my father thinking he cannot sing.

00:45:41
Speaker 3: Opera fair enough. You wrote those down in a few days ago. I did passion Laverne and Shirley Man period. They made me realize that I could make my dreams come true. That's what they pushed for.

00:45:57
Speaker 1: And if you sing that enough like.

00:46:00
Speaker 3: It just becomes just. And I think that's why we got on church in the first place. They made us memorize all those church songs and shit. Laverne, surely you know what I'm saying. Like the church songs they promise you fucking happiness when you die, you know what I'm saying, Like, you'll be happy with Jesus when you're not here. Anymore.

00:46:18
Speaker 2: It's really true. That's really fucking.

00:46:20
Speaker 1: Suffering in this life reward in the next.

00:46:23
Speaker 3: Whereas Laverne and Shirley, they weren't hedonists, but they were like, look, and they weren't counting on anybody independence.

00:46:30
Speaker 1: They were like, and.

00:46:31
Speaker 3: We'll do it our way, yes, our way, make all our dreams come true.

00:46:37
Speaker 1: Come on, like fucking They're not looking for a handout.

00:46:40
Speaker 3: They're not like we're gonna help this guy's gonna help us do it.

00:46:46
Speaker 6: God Jesus, we're gonna step on next.

00:46:52
Speaker 3: Like it's a powerful fucking idea that, like, you know, and we got to see them week after week not do.

00:46:58
Speaker 2: It you You serve as the Laverne and Shirley theme song for a lot of human beings. I hope you know you hear it.

00:47:07
Speaker 3: Make me cry, because let me tell you something, I just realized how powerful that Laverne Shirley song was. And if that's the case, that, if my.

00:47:14
Speaker 1: Fucking dumbass is making people like want to do something.

00:47:18
Speaker 2: It's the You can say a lot of You can talk about clerks and me being your greatest accomplishments all day long, but you, more than anything, are like such an inspiration of so many people. You are such like you give such beautiful, inspiring advice to people to follow their dreams.

00:47:42
Speaker 3: Thank you.

00:47:43
Speaker 2: It's the truth I blame. I've heard you speak a lot in my life publicly, and I every single time. You're always encouraging people to go follow their dreams and make something and to take the leap. So you are the lover and and Churley theme song.

00:48:04
Speaker 1: The living embodiment of it you.

00:48:07
Speaker 2: Just as the Cracker is Jesus's body.

00:48:11
Speaker 3: Oh my god, you. When I sing the song, I transubstantiate from lyrics into human.

00:48:19
Speaker 2: Version of the theme.

00:48:21
Speaker 3: The theme song to you know what, Look if a fucking billion people could believe the other thing. Oh it needs like a couple of hundred to believe this, And I got me at Church Church of Laverne. Surely make all your dreams come true. Passion my passion for this week, of course, as you heard Lvern Shirley. But my bigger passion is chronicon.

00:48:52
Speaker 2: Please kid here and her mother please.

00:48:57
Speaker 3: Skewniverse Star is doing the very first Chronicon in real life.

00:49:00
Speaker 1: We did it in Jane salabab reboot.

00:49:02
Speaker 3: So we're doing a Jan and solabob convention in real life in Chicago, right.

00:49:06
Speaker 2: After vegan food.

00:49:07
Speaker 3: There Chicago, there will.

00:49:10
Speaker 2: At the convention.

00:49:11
Speaker 3: You got to imagine they know, they know, Uh, it's happening. You can go this weekend, kids, if you want to see us in person, you're in the Chicago area. Even if you're not in the Chicago area. A lot of people flying in because it's right outside the airport.

00:49:26
Speaker 2: There's so many of us if you if you care at all about one of this this community there, every everybody from it will be there.

00:49:34
Speaker 3: Anyone you've ever seen in a Kevin Smith movie may be popping up. Chronic con for real. Dot com is where you can get tickets full ration uh for me, uh two rat killing. Don't need to see that ever again.

00:49:53
Speaker 1: Don't need to see fucking Lucky taking a life again?

00:49:57
Speaker 3: No, you know, honestly, like fucking dry break into this house, motherfucker.

00:50:02
Speaker 2: Yeah's true. A man who really talks about his location way too openly.

00:50:12
Speaker 3: Walk.

00:50:12
Speaker 2: He's here waiting behind the door, all.

00:50:16
Speaker 1: Right, So do your rapid fire all right?

00:50:18
Speaker 2: Hmm? What you eating?

00:50:22
Speaker 3: A rat ration? More of anything else?

00:50:31
Speaker 2: Physical writing going like this, physical writing instead of typing.

00:50:38
Speaker 3: Ration. I have very terrible handwriting. Away.

00:50:41
Speaker 2: I have the same exact handwriting as you. It's just in all caps. We both write in all caps.

00:50:46
Speaker 3: Writing caps too, But your handwriting is pretty is just.

00:50:49
Speaker 2: Well we all know, well we don't all know, but I do not hold a pencil correctly. Yeah, if you have ever seen me with a pencil, everybody's always.

00:50:58
Speaker 3: Like you're doing this from the seventies.

00:51:01
Speaker 2: I know I look really stupid when I stupid.

00:51:03
Speaker 3: But but I I Ever since I interacted with a typewriter when I was nine years old, I've loved that more.

00:51:10
Speaker 2: Really, writing is passion for me. Handwriting, handwriting. You like to love handwritings? Yeah, even with my weird ass holding of the pen.

00:51:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, you do with the journals.

00:51:23
Speaker 2: Journal later on.

00:51:27
Speaker 3: The idea.

00:51:27
Speaker 2: I also keep a planner.

00:51:29
Speaker 3: We've been a fire. No do I get to go ever.

00:51:35
Speaker 2: No tomatoes in their raw form, tomatoes in there like fucking ration any vegetables. But you would eat I just meto.

00:51:48
Speaker 1: Yeah you turned the tomato into a meatball.

00:51:50
Speaker 2: I'm there for you, but a meatball?

00:51:51
Speaker 3: Yeah?

00:51:52
Speaker 2: What the fuck?

00:51:52
Speaker 3: What?

00:51:53
Speaker 2: I just mean? Like, you love Marinara sauce, you love ketchup. Why wouldn't you eat a raw.

00:51:59
Speaker 3: Tomato squish texture.

00:52:01
Speaker 2: You're such a weird texture person. I'm not at all, and it really is like weird to me that you are.

00:52:07
Speaker 1: The way you do is weird to me, and I just don't call you out on it.

00:52:10
Speaker 3: He's away, I wacky ways. I haven't killed anything in a minute.

00:52:19
Speaker 2: I guess you can go.

00:52:20
Speaker 3: Thank you. Let's see, uh, staying at someone else's house passion.

00:52:27
Speaker 2: Or ration for what duration of time?

00:52:32
Speaker 1: Two days or more? This includes airbnbs?

00:52:37
Speaker 2: Oh, it includes airbnbes and passion for sure?

00:52:40
Speaker 3: Fucking you still with ab hearing that they put cameras in them and ship like that.

00:52:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean fine, and it's not fine. It's not fine. Well, this is a story for another time. But one time I do I did think that I found a camera and we called the police. Story for a different time, everybody, we don't got that type of time.

00:53:03
Speaker 3: So passionate ration, you say, passion?

00:53:04
Speaker 2: Passion? Yeah, but not like no, no offense to all the relatives, but not a relative souse.

00:53:10
Speaker 1: So stranger's house not a relatives house. Yeah, stranger, that's just lunacy.

00:53:14
Speaker 2: The stranger's house.

00:53:16
Speaker 3: I'm there, chance is a relative being? Like I put a camera in the Yeah, but like.

00:53:22
Speaker 2: Right there, football passion, irration, oh fucking just so ration.

00:53:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, but then your boyfriend like it. I hear him and Pop talking.

00:53:32
Speaker 2: About Yeah, it's really I do.

00:53:33
Speaker 3: And I'm always like, well you got talking about pussy talking about hard ass football. Well you know, oh my god? Like, yeah, they may wear they way the way a way they may wear can you they may wear masks, but this ain't comic books, kid. I'm like, I'm older than you, Astin.

00:53:56
Speaker 1: That's awestin and it gets Pop and it gets tough about football.

00:53:59
Speaker 2: Oh wow, I didn't know.

00:54:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, they make me feel inadequate because I don't.

00:54:02
Speaker 3: I don't. I'm like, Walliam, what are they? What if they are the Jets of New York.

00:54:07
Speaker 2: Playing It is really sweet paw in Austin watching it together.

00:54:13
Speaker 3: Look, I'm very happy for them. I'm so glad that Pop was never like why don't you be that guy? You never forced football me, so i'd have to be like Pop.

00:54:20
Speaker 2: Hate to tell you, buddy, I hate to tell you.

00:54:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a.

00:54:25
Speaker 1: List of things I would do before I would I'd like to watch my own death before.

00:54:31
Speaker 3: That shows you where it is on the list.

00:54:33
Speaker 2: All Right, passion, irration, going to the club.

00:54:38
Speaker 1: Going to the clurb. That what they call it these days.

00:54:41
Speaker 3: Oh ration. I was never a clurb. I went to the teen clerb. I was a youngster man when they would only serve you like cokes and ship like that. The teen clurb, Yeah, it was a teen clerb man.

00:54:53
Speaker 1: Trade winds was the teen clurb on Friday nights, dance food.

00:54:57
Speaker 3: Do do do do do do base do you you do.

00:55:01
Speaker 6: You do?

00:55:04
Speaker 8: And also the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. You don't know, that's not the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.

00:55:18
Speaker 3: We don't need no water. Let the motherfucker bird, motherfucker bird.

00:55:25
Speaker 1: You don't know that song?

00:55:26
Speaker 3: Wait? What song is the roof is on fire, fire roof? I forget what the be boy, the girls, SUPERI DJs turn it up. Somebody say, oh, I mean.

00:55:39
Speaker 2: Maybe I do, but like yeah, nobody.

00:55:44
Speaker 8: Everybody screamed the original fucking you know callback.

00:55:49
Speaker 3: Song the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. And then the audience takes over and they go wait out in the water. Can you imagine a bunch of thirteen fourteen year olds being like fu at the top of our lot that my childhood well Pa, you can see.

00:56:14
Speaker 1: In the four thirty movie now available on home videos.

00:56:17
Speaker 2: So true, that's right.

00:56:18
Speaker 3: Check it out on iTunes, google Play, Amazon, fucking YouTube, anywhere you can watch a movie except a movie theater.

00:56:25
Speaker 1: Check out the four thirty movie.

00:56:28
Speaker 2: Anyways, Do you have any more?

00:56:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll give you another one.

00:56:35
Speaker 1: Uh.

00:56:37
Speaker 3: The Henson Lot potentially being sold to the Church of Scientology.

00:56:43
Speaker 2: Oh so fucking rations bad.

00:56:47
Speaker 3: Idea, right, never mind that Scientology?

00:56:50
Speaker 2: Tragic?

00:56:51
Speaker 3: Why is the Henson Lot going?

00:56:53
Speaker 1: Now, that's a lot for those who are like what.

00:56:55
Speaker 3: The Henson Lot used to be The United Artists Lot used to be the A and M Lot, And it's a place of history. There's Big Kermit dressed as Charlie Chaplin on the front gate. But it's also the location of the recording of We Are the World.

00:57:12
Speaker 2: Oh I didn't even know.

00:57:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's why they recorded.

00:57:14
Speaker 2: I just know that they do puppet stuff there.

00:57:16
Speaker 3: They do. They also do puppet stuff at the Fourth Theater.

00:57:19
Speaker 2: The Bob the Bob Baker.

00:57:22
Speaker 3: Kate mccooche's always doing puppets.

00:57:26
Speaker 1: Just recently, this news story has been debunked.

00:57:29
Speaker 3: It is for sale but the Church of Scientology is not buying, but somebody else's.

00:57:34
Speaker 2: He has hands off of that.

00:57:35
Speaker 1: Somebody else is buying. Taking Kermit down.

00:57:37
Speaker 3: I don't know it.

00:57:39
Speaker 2: Was I.

00:57:41
Speaker 1: Put J and Bob next to Kerman.

00:57:43
Speaker 3: People be like, what the I'm so sorry. I'd be like, it's not easy being green new.

00:57:52
Speaker 2: Passioner Russian, my uncontrollable.

00:57:55
Speaker 3: Grouping passion better in than now.

00:57:59
Speaker 2: I think I have heard ya. Anyways, Anyway, she had three what the.

00:58:06
Speaker 3: Operator one, That's why she's been in the hospital all this time. She had she had three hernias that pop at once, and they were like, we can only tackle one at a time. Yeah, talk to momally.

00:58:17
Speaker 1: In fact, talk to momally.

00:58:19
Speaker 3: She's hot.

00:58:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, she'll tell you.

00:58:23
Speaker 3: Maybe I do your stomach passion or ration. Uh. The Real Housewives, if you could be on that show, if they were like, we'd like you to be a real house you wouldn't do it. Why they make so much money? I know, but no, no, that's too much drama for you.

00:58:44
Speaker 2: Oh my, the most toxic life you could ever ever put upon yourself.

00:58:51
Speaker 1: They seem to have fans you being one of them.

00:58:54
Speaker 2: I mean that is true, but I to live in that much toxicity.

00:58:59
Speaker 3: I can SAME's not worth it. It is not you know what you were raised, right, kiddo?

00:59:04
Speaker 2: Well done to be living in the constant state of drama.

00:59:08
Speaker 1: If they asked me to be on that show, then they're like, will make you a regular and pay up?

00:59:11
Speaker 2: You could be a friend, did you know?

00:59:13
Speaker 1: Look, I'm saying it right now.

00:59:15
Speaker 3: If they were maybe half million dollars a year, I would totally be on that show and be like, you're all bitches or whatever made to say or she's right, you're wrong or whatever. Fuck I.

00:59:25
Speaker 2: Are we allowed to say that the thing that you were like talk to talk about?

00:59:30
Speaker 3: Okay?

00:59:31
Speaker 1: But yes I did a thing which we talk about it when we know.

00:59:35
Speaker 2: Um hmmm, anyways, do you.

00:59:39
Speaker 3: Have a passion for internation for me? Or can we get the flock out of here?

00:59:42
Speaker 2: And we can get the flock out? I have some more, but they can wait.

00:59:46
Speaker 3: Uh kids, have you had a good time? Well if you did it, because the little girl across me is so charming, give it up for Harley Quinn Smith. Do you want to see what this looks like? Do you want to see what year you can go to that Kevin Smith club and join up and you can actually watch Beardless stickless Man.

01:00:05
Speaker 2: Don't watch this episode though. My eyes are really puffy.

01:00:09
Speaker 3: I was fucking crying about Lavernon Shirley. Fuck you, Okay, you look so cute. You got Halloween after Yeah, because I'm actually join up and you can.

01:00:17
Speaker 1: See her Halloween aff and then you can send Harley messages.

01:00:20
Speaker 3: Going look, sure fucking pumpkins and also your hair sucks. Your hair sucks, Queen Halloween shows your pumpkins.

01:00:29
Speaker 2: I'm going to the cemetery right now. Yeah, the Hollywood River Cemetery to see a movie.

01:00:36
Speaker 1: I thought you were going there because the dude was gonna be like horns when he said that.

01:00:49
Speaker 2: Would that would do it?

01:00:50
Speaker 3: And death is at your side. Know that I'm with you through it all. That's how metal Jesus is. Okay, think better and don't sleep on Jesus.

01:01:01
Speaker 2: Okay.

01:01:02
Speaker 3: I don't know if you know about this guy.

01:01:04
Speaker 1: He's got good ideas.

01:01:05
Speaker 3: They said, No, dude, there it is. Because there's your beardless dickless me for this week. If you want to hear Beardless Dickless plus the follow up show that's also at that Kevin Smith Club.

01:01:15
Speaker 1: But if you're like, no, this is quite enough.

01:01:17
Speaker 3: You know what. I live for the free version. Yeah, why are you guys still talking?

01:01:22
Speaker 1: You know what we're going to stop for beardless dickless me.

01:01:24
Speaker 2: I'm Kevin Smith and I'm Harley Quinn Smith.

01:01:26
Speaker 3: I have a beardless dickless day. This has been a podcast production, some podcast podcast using our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey kids, did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what. We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts waiting for you at that kevinsmith club dot com. Sign up now