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The Commonality Podcast explores what it means to do our best in today’s messy beautiful world. Hosted by Pilar, a personal and professional coach, we dive into it all with a mix of honesty, humor, and heart. Whether it’s solo musings, breaking down weird astro sh*t, or listening to guest stories, this is your space to remember this life is non linear and you're not alone.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.142)
Yeah. I'm not prepared. I thought we were going to have like a little like, so this is what we're going to talk about. She just said, no, you can't even breathe. You just going to jump into it. that's because I know we're going to like do something or say something and we have to like keep the case. Is this going to be edited? I mean, I'm just.
She just said three, two, one, bam. Go.
my God. So yes, let me make sure. Hopefully you can see the little commonality podcast. not covered up by the live. It looks like it's covered up by the live part, but hopefully later it'll, because I have to go live even though it's private and then it goes and then I.
and then I export it as video.
Life hacks. The whole minute at the beginning is going to be like, just be us. Give us a second while we come in here and we do it. We're to use the rusty. Trying to figure out our shit. Hi everybody. What's going on? Thank you so much. is, hey, this is the first official episode of the common podcast of many, of many. I'm super stoked, super excited.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:36.494)
The whole purpose of this podcast if you don't know now you don't know is the fact that we are all Very interesting people. We all have interesting things that have happened to us that we've done. We've all messed up. We've all done this All done terrible things
And we're all also like low key inspiring somebody in some way, even if we know it or we don't. So this is an effort to just like talk to cool people and talk about cool I'm glad you think we're cool people.
I'm glad you think we're cool people. I'm self-identifying with cool. Mommy, I made it. I made it. It happened. Finally happened. Yeah, we're to talk about a lot of different kinds of subjects and different things depending on who we talk to, but ultimately,
You know, there's always going to be a commonality. There's always going to be a thread that you can connect to yourself because we have a tendency to focus on our differences when in reality, like we're all the same. You know what I'm saying? know, all the way together. Like, let's unite in our hot messness. Hashtag hot mess. Hashtag still healing. Still healing. yes. Exactly. Exactly.
All right, awesome. So what's that, Josie? I like how you put Joseline as your tag, as your name. I'm attaching myself to my birth name. You're claiming it. I'm claiming it. I love that. I love that. Yeah. Josie and I have known each other for a long time. It seems like. It seems like. We're counting past lives. We're talking about this life. It's been like two.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (03:43.31)
It's been like two or three. We're counting past lives too. It's been a very long time. But yeah, Josie and I are both in the healing space and working with people space. How do we explain what it is we do? We help people. We help people. We put our own bullshit aside and we try to help others. And then after the day is done, I am dying.
After we log off put the you know, the log off button and sign off or whatever is hits reality like Damn, you're like damn. I just I just dropped a lot of truths on myself today I'm helping you guys and I don't even take this into myself So funny, man, which is so how can we describe though? It's just like giving advice Pushing not pushing but like promoting the healing that you
It's normal, but there's ways out of the funk. There's ways out of the chaos, even though it's repetitive. I mean, like it's part of life. Like you said it in the morning to me that it's just like, that's the awesome part of life is the drama. The chaos is the spice. The spice. is. Yeah, our conversation this morning was really, really good. And we'll get into it.
Hold on, I'm gonna drink more coffee. Let me wake up first. Let me wake up. Yeah, I feel like, you know, it is, it's definitely a privilege. It's absolutely, you know, it's a lot of responsibility to show up for others. And yeah, it's not uncommon for sure for people who are helping others, like they've got their own shit because we're human too.
Worth those, maybe the human experience. Yeah, 100%, 100%. And even like the Dalai Lama, even Sadhguru, even these people who we consider, even Yoda, right? Everybody is going through something and trying to figure something out. Nobody has perfected the human experience. That's the cool thing about the human experience is we're just here to learn and just keep going. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (06:06.606)
Right. yeah, totally. And yeah, I mean, it's interesting. There's a lot to go into in terms of like, you know, being a spiritual worker, being a coach, helping others period. And just how like that in and of itself is a really interesting experience. And it's an interesting sacrifice. feel like we're all, regardless of what industry you're in, you
are in some effect creating a value for others or you're putting out some sort of value. you guys pave the way. Pave the way? Pave the way. Pave the way. We're helping the other people pave the way. We're like, here, have a lawnmower and pave the Yeah. Just vaya con Dios. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I feel like, I feel like, you know, when we're
on that road and we're helping ourselves and we're helping others. Yeah, it's definitely a privilege, definitely a huge responsibility. And it's where you learn compassion and understanding, not just for others, but for sure for yourself as well. And then it hits you that light bulb of like, how come when I was little, everybody went to me or came to me? This is why. Yeah. So if you're somebody who, you know,
who has that happen to you. People like to open up to you. And for sure, like I'm gonna say right now, like for sure people aren't just randomly opening up to you. That's your energy. That's you also inviting it. So don't be complaining about it when you low key love it. You know, it's easy to be like. way. Cause I was just like, why is everybody coming to me? I don't understand. Few years later.
you're like, I actually like love this and thrive on this and if people aren't coming Yeah, exactly so know that and I think it's a huge industry right now helping others and especially you get the tea Was that and then you get the extra tea from knowing what's going on? Because they just tell you
Pilar Lyutfalieva (08:32.813)
No, no, no, no, don't kiss and tell. But it is for sure. is one of those things where like I think the industry is becoming extra, extra popular right now. People are, you know, it's, I think- want to be woke. Yeah, I mean, it's a service industry as well, right? Like people are just learning to work for themselves, you know, Uber, right? And, you know, people who are like taking on entrepreneurship roles more than before.
It's no surprise that there's more coaches out there, that there's more spiritual guides, because people also want to work on themselves, which is, you know, for sure, in effect from the pandemic. You know, people are realizing like, my God, why can't I stand being home? Why can't I like be by myself? Or why can't I like be in the same room with my husband and not want to rip his head off? Right. Like what is happening? You know, people realize that they needed help and there was a huge shortage.
of therapists and everything. So people who could step up in the best way that they knew, it was better than nothing, right? And so, yeah, it's cool. It's cool. I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way. We're making a change. We're supporting change. We're supporting change. We're supporting change. So yeah, so- Tattoo it on your forehead. Wait, what's that? Tattoo it on your forehead.
Ally of change. Hashtag. Hashtag. It's too funny. So I was thinking it would be really cool to talk about relationships and the healing journey. And when you're working on yourself, you know, just talking about when you're people who are in the pandemic.
and then realizing that they couldn't stand their partner or realizing, my God, I can't tell you how many stories I've heard and know of people who started a relationship and then within a week were in lockdown and had to make a critical decision and just shacked up with someone that they just started a relationship with it and then ended up getting married because they realized, my God, if we can survive.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (10:52.16)
I wonder if you're on lockdown. You're meant to be. Yeah, exactly. And then the opposite, right? Like there was a huge surge in divorces and, you know, domestic abuse. And I mean, people were going crazy, right? Like people were going crazy. So I think it's like a hyper concentrated example of kind of what healing and being in relationships or experiencing dating and whatnot.
But what do you feel like your experience has been with that in terms of even like before your husband, before now, right? Like- I gotta exit the chat. I thought I healed, I'm kidding. Just leaves. It's been a roller coaster, even like pre-healing. I'm not gonna say that I'm healed, I'm still there. And then we all learn through the process and stuff.
It's been chaotic, I guess, because it goes back to the being the people pleaser or, you know, wanting to fit in or looking for myself and other people and kind of stuff. So, you know, it's a hit and miss. And which, by the way, I just saw that tick tock and my God. I know I almost started crying. I was like, we're going to get ready for this video. I think in byway. Yeah, for real. That was was very cool. It's.
It's a lot of that in regards to relationships. It could be crazy. like one of the biggest things that I've learned so far is that somehow everybody we meet, regardless, even family, friends, and you know, even relationship itself, everybody's a mirror to ourselves. Like a person, even if it was like, can we cousin here? Before I even say it. Okay. I'm just like, wait, do I keep it So it could be a whole roller coaster of shit like prior to the healing. Even if the relationship was shit as hell, you know.
it still meant something. It's just like, what are you trying to show me? What am I not realizing? And that thing it's, it's copying. It's happened a lot right now. What, know, when I'm doing readings or, know, the process with other girls and stuff, the whole thing of like, looking for this person to like, how come they're not prioritizing? How come they're not doing this for me? How come they're not, you know, you went through it. I went through it like baby, baby, daddy drama, best friends, and then the hookups and the links and the situationships and stuff.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (13:17.65)
And it hit me of just like, damn, it's true. Like we expect somebody else to give us this attention. And is legit just saying, look at yourself. Like you want this guy or this whoever, know, whatever your sexuality is, like you want this girl guy, whatever, to love you, respect you, and, know, put you first. Home girl, home boy, are you doing that for you first though? Like, how do you want this person to do that? So I went through certain, I'm not going to say that I was, I had like a thousand relationships and stuff, but I was just like, did.
Like serious relationships, don't let's not talk about the rest. No, but serious relationships, think like I couldn't even fit myself into one because it's just like, can I just marry myself even though I'm a mess, but I know me. I know me. But the people that I kept encountering were people that were not ready. People that are still, you know, don't even know who they are or still on the list party every weekend or stuff like, you know, prior to my marriage and stuff. It was just like all that.
situations like infidelity, know, the whole wanting to be like, let's not even get into the topic of like being in a relationship, having a baby with this person and now feeling like you're stuck like generational stuff. Like you feel like stay there because I chose this man. Now I have the baby with this man and you know, it's super layered. It's super layered. feel like when you're it's one of those things where, and that's like, you just did such a good job of showing like
how far wide and how deep and how layered, right? And there's so many more variables. There's so many more variables. so like, that's why everyone's situation, it's so funny how everyone's situation is unique to them, but it's also not unique in the spectrum of like having issues and having conflict or experiencing those moments, right?
You can say you have trauma, but knowing your trauma, talking through your trauma, understanding the nuance of your trauma and your experience, like that's everything. That's what's going to help propel you forward and like actually give yourself a chance to learn something for the next time or for whatever relationship that you're in, you know? Yeah, one of the things that I've been learning so far, like every now and then I remember you, you see me go through the loops of like a midlife.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (15:43.15)
crisis, do I stay, do I leave? But I've been realizing a lot of the, we tend to victimize ourselves a lot through the process of, not just relationships, mean, even connections with our family, our friends and acquaintances or whatever you want to call them. We end up thinking that we're always the issue and it's not always like that. It's also something that everybody has their own soul to deal with.
Or it's like the opposite too, right? But it's interesting. I'm sure there's a term for this, but it's like there's the victim mentality of like, you know, like I'm the one that's getting hurt. And then there's the victim mentality of like everyone is the aggressor, but you're not, you know, where it's like you are more aggressive, right? In standing up for yourself and being like a warrior and you like try not to let it get you down.
but it's like the attention, right, is either on the aggressor or on the fact that you're not enough or that you're being hurt or, you know. But it is interesting because it does, it plays a huge part in understanding your own trauma and how you've digested it or what you've seen or what you've learned, right, is like, am I framing this, right? How am I framing this? How am I framing myself? How am I viewing these people? How do I feel, right?
What kind of anger is it? Right? Is it like anger? Is it anger sadness? Is it anger bitter? Is it anger regret? Is it anger lost? Like hopeless? Like what is it that's coming up for me? You know? It's curry. It's alright. Stay tuned for part two guys. No, it is crazy. Especially, you know, you don't...
see where everything's going, where you haven't even, especially when you haven't even started the whole, like, it's so cliche. Like I use the word, I think we use the word healing so much, but it's so cliche, but it's true. Like you won't find the peace or you won't be at peace with yourself or live or anybody if you don't do the work. And the thing that I've been using a lot lately is the, can't just do the walk. You have to do the walk and the talk. So it's just like, are you about it? Then walk to it.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (18:04.63)
I just don't say it. It's just like you want to do something with your life. You want to be more at peace. What does it take to be at peace? What are you still holding onto in regards, you know, past relationships, situations, family and all that stuff. It all projects onto every aspect in your life. Doesn't matter what it is. So it's just like dealing with the, you know, we're talking especially about relationships. It's just like being with people that are not ready to be with you because you yourself are not ready to.
face yourself. How are we gonna jump into a relationship? Like obviously we jumped into relationships and then we went head deep into that and we just end up, you know, digging ourselves deeper into a hole of nothingness because we were trying to convince this person, I am enough, but where did we feel like that? We know we are enough or that we were enough at that time, but we wanted somebody else to see it even though we didn't feel it either. We knew it in a low, a soul level.
Yeah, yeah, it's like that's why you have to talk about the experience in a multi dimensional self and multi as a multi dimensional being because there's so many different parts. It's not just the emotional. It's not just the logic. It's also like learned behavior, right? So it's like ancestral trauma that's coming in. It's stuff that's not even yours, right? That's coming from other people, right? You know, and I love
what you said because it shows just how important relationships are and how the kind of romantic relationships you have and whatever you're going through there is not just about those relationships. It's also about what's going on in your life and how we walk and talk and maneuver through our life in general.
The only way we're gonna learn is through relationships because that's the human experience, right? It's all we have. That's all we have. That's how we move. That's how we get through our day. Very, very, very rarely. And by rarely, I mean like there's like textbooks in these cases where people like live in solitary, you know, and they live like by themselves and they have no human interaction with people or whatever.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (20:29.73)
And that can be by choice, you know, but it's extremely rare. Like what the word actually means, it's extremely, actually rare because even if you say live by yourself, right, you still are having some interaction with somebody at some point in your life, right? And it's through those interactions, you're gonna learn more about yourself, right? Or you're gonna have an opportunity
to be confronted, really, right? Because a lot of times the reason why we wanna be by ourselves is not just to give ourselves a break from external energy, but also from like having to face our own shit, you know? That's why a lot of times we cut things off, but we don't do the work, right? It's easier. I know, and I- It's under the rug. Yeah, yeah.
I used to do this all the time, right? I was a runner. Like as soon as there was issues, I'd just be like, bye. Exactly, exactly. And when I was ready, then I would work on myself. But I can't tell you how many times I've told people who have been ready to split with their relationship. And I'm like, look, I completely agree. And I'm on the same page with you. This is not making you happy. This is not good for you. Okay, cool.
But if you don't assume responsibility for what happened in your relationship, you're going to repeat the exact same thing over again.
This is why I can't tell you nothing. Listen. Listen like That's what we were talking about. Everybody is a collective phenomenon. Feeling called out. But I used to do that too. That's what I'm saying, right? Yeah, it's a problem, especially when you've been going through it for years where you just have to be, you're the avoidance. like we talked about earlier, just like the generation of stuff like who in your family has always run away from stuff and now you're picking up on
Pilar Lyutfalieva (22:39.406)
And who in your family has been the abuser or has been the one that's being abused? story are you repeating? When are you gonna say, know what, I recognize my ancestors, recognize my family, but that's not me. I don't want to deal with that. And it's so common to people who are like, I think try to make reasons not to work on themselves. They don't want to, they'll be like, well, that's cliche.
Right. Well, you know, it's like, of course you're going to say it's my mother. Of course you're going to say it's my father. Of course you're going to say it's, you know what I mean? Like it's, it goes to the cliche, but the reality is that one, it's true. Two, you got to do the work. And two, you can for sure, like just focus on yourself and try to repair those avenues without looking at what you've learned.
For sure you can do that, that's absolutely possible. But you're still missing another piece. It's like creating a puzzle and then putting the corners to the side. Right, right. And I've definitely been in that boat. And it also happens to like abuse survivors who like don't remember what happened to them. So they don't have those components. I was in that boat, right? So you have to definitely like give yourself, and I think that happens to trauma in general when you're a child.
And it can literally be like somebody told you something mean and you forget about it, right? But it's in the restroom. I don't know if you can hear, hopefully you can, but he's in the restroom when he's brushing his teeth and he goes. Okay, I'm glad. just like, what trauma happened in the restroom? He's about to come down and say, how do I help you through this? How do I help you through this? It's okay.
was missing memories also is just when the trauma happens. it's crazy because our mind works like that when it's trauma or our mind is in that regardless, I've said this, we said this, everybody at this point has said it is just like the mind is powerful, our brain is so powerful that it's like connecting to the heart and the emotions and the sensory and all that like, that was traumatizing.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (24:55.726)
put it on the side we're not gonna remember this because it's gonna trigger something and we want our nervous system to be okay. Well, I've got chills. So it's just like how the mind works is just like, I'll protect you, you need to be protected. Cause I know it's gonna trigger so many things, emotionally, health-wise and all that stuff. So that's where those missing memories go is your mind trying to protect you as a whole. So I was like, I'm gonna remember some stuff. Like even if it's not that traumatic, but
since in that moment was traumatic. You cried yourself to sleep. Your brain was like, let it home girl, we need to sleep because every time you're going through some stuff and you remember that, it's a mess. Listen up girl. That's your nerve. That's my brain. My brain tells me home girl. I'm trying to figure out, I'm getting feedback. I don't know if it's on your side or my side. Of what? Hello? I think it's good now. I think it's good now. Hello?
Hello? Okay, we're good. Is it me? I don't know. hear it like I don't know. I'll listen back on the recording. Anybody who hears it, apologies. But, I'll do this for yourself. You manifested it. You will hear you click that you live with it through us with us.
Yeah, it's cool that you mentioned like the whole biological component. And for sure, you know, when I'm talking to, you know, and obviously, like if you've experienced trauma, if you're working through mental health issues, if you're working through all that stuff, number one, like get a therapist if you can. Right. It's like, for real, get that help. You know what I'm saying? Because there's a lot of people out there that will be like, no, like you just need a spiritual guide. I don't know if anybody will actually like straight up just say that, but
people will try to instead of like, so that they don't wanna lose the client or they don't wanna, right? They won't bring up the fact that like, hey, if you can, you should try to get a therapist as well. Because when you can have a team of people that are in your corner helping you work through this stuff, like you're setting yourself up for success for sure. But, you know, I've had clients who, you know, when they're working through this and they're just trying to figure out
Pilar Lyutfalieva (27:16.59)
next steps in their healing process. know, a big part of why, for instance, like journaling is really important. And this is something that you don't need. You should be on called out everything you like. I'll be honest, talking about journaling, I'm not the best journaler. I could tell you guys to journal and all that stuff.
Am I good at it? 100 % No, I fought the dragon. You know, it helps. Yeah, you don't have to be perfect at self care. Self care is not a perfect process. Self care is you need to fail forward is what self care. Self care is crying before the makeup so the makeup doesn't ruin. That's planning ahead for your day.
cry before, smile after. That's hilarious. And it's the reason why this is so important though, is because when you experience trauma and the reason why this is so important in terms of like our relationships and just, you know, going through life, healing, progressing is because we have to give ourselves a chance to like reflect and it
Like you're saying, it affects everything, right? And so when we give ourselves a chance to reflect, what's happening is that we are creating alignment in the physical being, we're creating alignment between the masculine self, it's all good, don't worry, between the masculine self and the divine feminine, right? So the divine masculine and the divine feminine, which are the left and the right side of the brain.
Right? So in the physical manifestation of the self, it's most clearly defined by the left and the right side of the brain. And so the right side of the brain controls emotion. It controls abstract thought. Right? There's like no rhyme or reason. That's the divine feminine for sure. Okay. Then there's the left side of the brain, which is all about logic. It's all about structure. It's all, it's war mathematics and those things are, those things live.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (29:38.784)
in that side of the brain or happiest in that side of the brain. When we experience trauma, the right side of the brain. Let me take my dog out because she's a distraction. and pause.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (30:00.77)
He does too much. And I'm just like, no, there's no way we could do that. We're trying to talk about healing, not to get distracted by a dog just for them around. Sorry. That's OK. So when we experience trauma, it's all right side. So the right side, it lights up because there's a lot of emotions. There's a lot of abstract feelings that are happening. There's not a lot of rhyme or reason because it's just it's happening to you. And so.
you might not understand what's happening to you and you might, you're absolutely, especially if it's traumatic, you're having an emotional response, right? The super interesting part though, which doesn't surprise is that the left side, the language center that's on the left side, it actually quiets down. And so that's why a lot of times when you're talking to trauma victims or people who have experienced trauma,
who don't, know, who are perfectly fine, like just moving on with their lives, they can't even begin to explain or understand what it is that happened. So when it comes to talking about it, it's very difficult. That's why it's difficult to talk about our trauma. It's not because we're weak. It's not because, my God, I'm such an emotional being. It's because that part of your brain was literally close to shut off.
when you were experiencing your trauma. So it doesn't mean, this is a sign I should just move on from this. If I can't even talk about it, then I should just ignore it, which is what we naturally do, right? And that's why it's work, right? That's why we say do the work. That's because you have to work in creating that alignment with yourself so that you are a complete being where you accept the fact that you've gone through trauma. You accept the fact that things have happened.
And you express that through talking about it, through reflecting on it, through giving yourself the chance to have space and time for it. Right? And so that's why talking about it, journaling about it, coming to a place where you can say, hey, my goodness, that's why this relationship doesn't work for me. Or that's why I've been picking relationships like this. Right?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (32:28.226)
because it's a dominance play, right? Or it makes me feel unsafe, but that's because that's what I'm used to, right? It's just so many different interesting nuances that we can go through when we've experienced trauma and then seeing how it plays out in our relationships, it's mind blowing.
Like I don't know why I would you said everything I'm like should we end this year you said everything? No today's episode guys. my god Our own personal experiences, where are we starting it started in 1990? When I was that when you were born out of the womb, okay, is that what you're born?
1993? my-
Okay, look, I'm nearly in my 30s. And you're making me seem like I'm still a fetus. Okay, the way you just said that I was like, I'm nearly in my 30s. No, I'm not. I'm nearly in my 40s. You don't look like you are though. Stop. I've been telling you that from the beginning. Especially when I met you in person, it was just like, she's lying. Like I got to see some IDs. She probably still gets IDs when she orders a cocktail. I am, I'm 12.
with a 16 year old. Come on. God. He's going to be 15. Give me a break. OK. To me, looks older because he's very like, he looks like he's like he's such he's a man. Before it was he's a little man. Now I'm looking at him like, my God, like you're a young man that's like man. I don't know. We're all over the place in this. I know. I know. We're we're this. This is the first one. It's OK. It's a trial.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (34:27.781)
We're pushing the shit. We're having a good time. We're just showing them who we are. We're having a good time. Personal experiences, relationships, where are we getting into? You first. Where? Me? Me. What relationship are we getting into? I don't know. Pick a relationship that stands out to you where you learned a lot.
All of them. That's good. That's the right answer, actually. I learned a lot. Now, so maybe let's say, I guess we want to talk about like, you know, when you're in your high school relationship, you're just like, God. And, know, we're naive. We're kids and we just think that, you things are going to be what they are and what it seems on like movies and what the I never watched high school musical, but I'm going to use that one to send a reference like what people see. didn't watch it either.
Okay, I'm good. That was really good. Girl, I can breathe. That was the only one that I could sense in it. So if people think is that what you see in like That's a Raven or Liz McClire, high school stuff. These shows brainwash you guys, first of all. That's true. That's true. Yeah, maybe like talk high school thing first or are you just like trying to get yourself out there, you know, meeting this guy or hanging out with whoever, whatever your preference is.
And it's all cute and game. think every relationship is like at the beginning, it's really all cute and still out of it. And it's just like the vibe. I was like, we're walking around the fucking hallway, howling harness. I know, how are they cute together? behind- When was your first boyfriend? When did you have your first boyfriend? My official boyfriend, I guess you want to call it. was in sophomore. Yeah, sophomore. Sophomore. I'm good girl.
You are a good girl. was like, that was like my official, like my first, first relationship, like official relationship like that. it was that one. So it was just like, even then it was not easy. Like even during that time, I was still fighting for some type of attention. was cute, lovey D and all that stuff and the vibes and the whatever, you know, we were the, we, we, we, probably lived like that couple, like you could see on Tumblr, like the holding hands or we were the
Pilar Lyutfalieva (36:47.042)
that even seeing kids, whatever you want to call it in the school, was just that fine. So that was the cute part, whatever. But when it comes to like digging deep in that there is a lot of stuff of like me coming back and actually looking into the relationship, which I haven't, but now I'm gonna look into it. So you guys aren't taking the dive with me. then, let's say if this person wants to see this podcast, it's okay. It's been a long time ago. It's okay. You don't have to get upset about it.
My man says burning the apartment.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:20.485)
my God. Is he cooking?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:33.92)
Maybe this is a sign we need to talk about your relationship with him.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:41.646)
Is he still going? Is he not putting up? Do gotta open the window? This is hilarious.
my God, it's too funny. So I'll just take a moment that if you're watching this, you listening to this, don't forget to subscribe. This is going to be a weekly podcast. And we've got a ton of amazing interviews lined up, a lot of really cool, amazing people from different backgrounds, different professions, different industries, different life experiences, different, really cool, interesting history. So.
definitely make sure to subscribe or whatever the button is for wherever you are. Give this a like or comment how you're feeling about how you're feeling. And we're back. And I hope you cut all this mess. At least make the little bloopers. I mean, it was an opportunity to do like a plug. Well, prior to the mess of all this happening.
what did he burn? I think he was good. There's this one falsie, stove thingy, I'm drinker and in the stove, what is it a burner? And even when you put it at medium, it just goes crazy. And then sometimes we forget and it just goes, welcome to my burn. my God. That was, that was tragic. I told you to put a bandaid on it. RIP skin. RIP skin.
So that relationship itself, like, it was like about a year maybe and stuff. It was a lot of like trying to remind somebody like, hey, you know, I bring this to the table, I put you first, I'm showing you off, da, da, da, da. It was that repetitive thing and drama. You know, we were still kids, so I forgive that, you know, it was just, and I understand it, like whatever, he was trying to find himself, trying to find myself.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (39:44.814)
two lost people trying to make something out of mean, isn't that how every... Every relationship is, Young love relationship is. Arguably until we find like a real stable partner or we start having like mature relationships, which for a lot of people, it like doesn't finish, right? You just, keep having drama in your relationship, but the only difference is like you're paying bills. We gotta split those bills together, your bills.
Your name is on the same bill as mine. Right. Damn, we got to really be adults. I can't just walk away or like, know, like, we can drive somewhere ourselves or we can, you know, we have a job that we have to balance. Like you just have more responsibilities, but the drama might actually still be the same. You know, it just looks different, but it tastes the same. It's that's it. Better man.
But yeah, the relationship in general even with that person moving forward it was just like reminding somebody that maybe you know somebody talking to somebody else and it's just like It was like hurt mutually is just like we both didn't know we we didn't know what we were We thought we did but it's just move on whatever it's just like I'm in the drama with like mutual friends And so it's just a whole different thing as well moving forward after that one. That's when I got with the baby daddy
Mm.
Because I was young, bro. I was young. that's like, let's even I guess that has to be a whole different podcast. It's just like, you know, it's just like jumping from that relationship from like my first first official relationship going from this guy and then moving and meeting and hanging out and starting to see, you know, my my son's father. It was nearly what, like junior to senior year where I was already with this guy as well.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (42:07.758)
when the father of my son. it's just like, was still young. I was still like 17 when I met this school. I mean, this guy. I'm trying to pack that love here. I said, I am healing, not healed. When I met this guy, when I met this guy. So I was still young and keeping an eye, was like freshly out of this British trip, getting into this one, still a home man.
And it was just like a lot of like meeting the same repeating people, like the same things that I need to work on myself is just repeating on different, you know, different bodies, all minds are curious and just in different forms and different, you know, different type of guys or whoever I was going to. So it was just like the same repeating patterns of like, Hey, prioritize me, I'm doing this or what do I do? Like access service or putting you out there showing you off. What about me? Like you're not seeing me. So it's just like all that, all that was like going on.
to relationship, even to people I was just talking to that was not even a serious relationship. It was like, got to leave, I'm pretty sure you could even be open about this or like people when they hear this or watch this, like even meeting people when you're single, but these people are already taken or this person is talking to other people as well. It was like all that stuff. It's also part of like.
What am I not recognizing of myself? I was like, why are you attracting people that are in a relationship? Like it happened so many times to me and I'm like, the fuck, like, why can't I or attracting a person that just left the relationship, but it's either they have, you know, baby mama or whatever the, it's like, no, baby mama, grandma and the guy. so it's just absolutely, I've always been open about, you know, my fuck ups with that. I know I've been with married men.
And it's something my husband knows. I've always been open with him about that. I felt a lot of shame going through that. And it's a very terrible feeling. But you do, realize, and that's why you have to ask yourself, why? Why am I doing this? Why am I falling into this pattern again? Even if I think it's for all the right reasons, because that's what we do. We tell ourselves, my God, you
Pilar Lyutfalieva (44:25.302)
It's because this and they're in a conflict and they're getting a divorce or whatever. You give yourself a million reasons, but it's still like, am I not acting like, well, it has to be this way, but really take responsibility. Why am I manifesting this? Like why does a man or why does a partner have to show up in my life in this way? Like really asking yourself some real serious questions, right? And
I mean, and I'll just give the ending away. It's because you don't feel like you're worthy enough of being number one. Right? Two. And that can be for a lot of different reasons, a lot of different reasons. I had to learn why that was for myself and it goes real deep. But that's ultimately the end. That's ultimately. But you have to understand the nuance of that trauma in your own life. But absolutely, that stuff totally happens.
To me, infidelity is the same thing as like drug abuse or money and financial abuse or like basically where you are expressing your trauma externally in an unhealthy way. The reason why infidelity makes us go crazy is because we're competitive, right? That's my piece of meat right there. We're competitive because then we go,
Well, people are going to see them together or am I not good enough when in reality, why don't you feel that way when your partner is out blowing money that they shouldn't be right? Because that's that's also them disrespecting you. Right. Or they're going out and they're drinking and they're making a fool of themselves or they're an addict. Right. Like, why aren't you seeing that as a disrespect on your relationship? And at the end of the day?
It's them expressing their trauma. That's why like if you're gonna go through, I feel like any relationship can survive anything if they look at it in a healthy perspective and just try to like heal each other while healing themselves. Like let's work on the relationship while also working on ourselves. I'm sorry, I went into like a rabbit hole with that when you got like, I got something to say. no, I was listening. No, it's true and sometimes we,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (46:49.038)
And I can't even speak for myself, even with my current relationship, where it's just like, we are doing the healing and we kind of get mad because it goes back to our ego. Like, regardless, we all have ego. We're not going to get rid of ego. Like, ego makes who we are. And that's part of our essence. everybody talks about like, your ego. like, regardless, yes, we all have ego, but it's part of who we are. That's part of what makes us us, what gives our character, you know, stuff like that. So, it's we're getting drunk on ego.
Yeah, that's a whole different thing like write it down put it on the books There's a whole different side of ego as well, which is like the healthy eagle and it's just the eagle being evil Especially when you're in your healing journey and now you're like in the relationship and you're married and all that stuff But when one is more spiritual than the other one or the other one is doing my work and the other one's still not at that Process yet, so I could even say that for myself. It's it's just struggle Obviously be like I've seen the whole roller coaster so that
But also, he's I'm getting in here. So even when you're not healing and you're still like, it's like we were talking about, we're manifesting these people into our life. it's just like, now imagine the card, is it the Cardi B thing? Like, what was the reason? That's you do. And why you're manifesting these guys. Why are you manifesting this person? Like, what was the reason? It's like.
We like I seen all these posts. I've shared a couple of it when I'm But it's just like, know, main and shade kind of type of deal. It's just like whatever, you know, they're their own and thing But you manifested this person into your life. Why why do you feel like you have to have chaos? Why do you feel like you have to continue telling people who we are or what you are? What your value is which will love you? It's like we're have to get yourself into this mirror perspective of like, okay So what is it that this person is bringing up that I haven't realized or what is it that you know?
Regardless we are different people in different bodies living the human experience that we said at the beginning of the thing the podcast was just like Your relationship even it's not the best one and even if it's that you know, you're your your husband slash wife It's just like they have their own traumas that they haven't dealt with they have their own generational stuff They haven't dealt with some people are ready and it goes back to us helping other people with the healing We promote it. We give you the tools
Pilar Lyutfalieva (49:07.714)
but you have to be ready because healing can be scary. And some of our prayer, like our relationship, you know, whoever we are with, they're not ready. And especially when, you you know, the whole being spiritual and you're like, I've seen this thing and it's like this, why can't you see it too? That's part of our ego, just trying to control something. And when things are not in our control, it's just like we go crazy. I go crazy when things are not working the way I wish they were. But it's hard being in a relationship when you see things in different perspectives.
but it's surrendering to the part where he's just like, it's true. Like he's going through his own thing. Like his story is different from mine. Her story is different from mine. You were built different, you were built different. And now I'm trying to control for you to ignore that what you went and now this is the reason you're this. So it's just like, could be so hard trying to make a relationship work when it's two different points. none of our traumas.
are exactly the same. Maybe Kurt feels the same, but it's totally different. And when we manifest the people that end up hurting us, like exes, know, the married men or the married woman, or you being in a relationship and talking to somebody else, whatever the case may be is like, why? The question is like, not victimize yourself. That's the biggest key point in everything is like stop victim, which we need to really stop victimizing ourselves.
And like, why is this happening to me? Like, what's going on? Like, you know you deserve better or you deserve more peace, but life in general, God, universe, whoever, is letting you know, what have you not finished recognizing in yourself that this person is bringing forward? Either, yeah, you're gonna, let's say me and my relationship with my husband is like, yeah, he's bringing up this whole part of like, I want the control so bad that it needs to be this way. And they're like, be woke with me. Be woke with me.
It doesn't happen like that. So it's just like, have to sit back and realize like, what are you showing me that I am not recognizing that I want to have the control? And it just goes back to being afraid of not having something or being afraid of having a stable something, you know? So it's just like, that's always been on defense. And that's one of the biggest things. We're always on defense. And regardless, if you're in a friendship or relationship, situationship, your body is so used to always having this defense mechanisms.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (51:33.814)
to feel protected. once something is out of whack or something just triggers that part is just like, go into your defense mode is like, who will be fighting? it is like, for real. But it's true. It's just like, when something is triggered that that's still there that you haven't completely seen is just like,
Wow, I thought I healed that and it's just coming up. Even if you're in a long-term relationship, like I'm saying with my husband, it's still hard because it's so different heads. And in Spanish it's said, know, cada quien tiene su cabeza y aprende un cabeza. No aprende un cabeza ajena. Like, no, everybody has their own head, their own things, and nobody's going to learn in somebody else's head and thoughts and stuff. So it's just like, it's separating your own entity from your person's or your significant other, but also being.
support. And that's a part where I struggle the most as a person is understanding that, yeah, his story, but I kind of want to like sometimes stress them to be like, we're doing it like this. yeah, want to, but not giving him that space where like, all right, you got to learn at your own pace because I learned in my own pace. We all learn at our own pace. Yeah. And we were trying to say, instead of being a team, want to mold them to be me. And it's not possible. It's not possible by that.
by that reason that I should just be myself. Like I joke with me, was just like, I'm just gonna turn sexual. Like this point I get. I am the best person for myself. But it's just like, if I wanted that, then I wouldn't jump into this relationship. So it's just like, yeah, it's just like being able to surrender to a certain aspects of our relationship. But if it's really, really to the point where it's like, know, don't stay, especially if it's abusive.
If it's physical and all that stuff, if it's something more workable and all that stuff that can still be helped in your team and work together and there's that communication. I say, I say ask yourself, is it hurting you or is it just hard? Right. Cause a lot of time we melt. Right. Well, and it also goes back to the running part. We're so used to running and I'm always been the runner. So when things get hard and I'm like,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (53:48.866)
But yeah, it's hurting me. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it's interesting because I think, you know, like my husband's not necessarily spiritual. We have a lot of the same value systems and we have a lot of the same like foundational beliefs, but it's more like values.
Like our value systems are much more aligned than I think sometimes our beliefs are on the outset. That we say we're different sides of the same mountain because maybe we say different things, but then as we talk, we end up on the same page. But when it comes to like spiritual stuff, you know, he'll always say, and he was the first, he was like my number one fan, you know, he was like, I don't know how you do it, but you're so good at meeting people. Yeah.
Because I'd meet his friends and I would know them. I would know them. I'd know the relationship they had with their mother. I'd know what kind of house they had. I'd know what kind of food they preferred. would just- John the Witch. Yeah. She's a witch. I would just know. Which by the way, I just learned that actually the male version of witch is not warlock, it's wizard.
So talk about sexism because everyone like wants like thinks wizards are so cool, but like why everybody's got to be scared of witches. And you know what it means? It means wise one. Wise one. So let's talk about religion now. Anyways, so yeah, like I feel like, you know, I definitely struggle with like control issues as well.
You know, and I think especially when you're a single parent or you come from like that kind of matriarchy in your family, where even if it was like a perceived patriarchy, where your mother was really holding it down or just like the feminine energy in your life has been dominant. You know, sometimes like when a woman has to step up to the plate, it can create a lot of needs for control. You know, you've got a lot of.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (56:03.53)
a lot of things up in the air. You've got a lot of things that you got to take care of. And in order for things to work, you have to be, you have to have tabs and be able to predict and ultimately control the outcome of many different things every single day, right? You're constantly putting out fires. So it's a natural thing that we want. know, sometimes with my husband even, I'm like, no, like you're going to see my side. But then I realized like,
Okay, I'm just going to explain it to you and this is how it normally happens. I'm going to talk about it and then he asks me really good questions and then we end up like being on the same page like, okay, that's cool. Like, okay. You know, like he doesn't, he won't understand. He'll still be like, you know, it's kind of weird. And I'll be like, I get it. I get that. It's kind of weird to you. But he also says like, I don't understand it, but I also can't explain.
why it's working. It's working. but yeah, with legit, that's, that's what my husband does. He's just like, how are you doing this? Like, how do you keep up with all so many people? Like, you know, so many stories of different people, and here you are still, then you come home. And now there's all this. But there's times where just like, even you say, you know, like, your man's is your support.
Like I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if it wasn't for his work. There's times where I'm like trying to manage the whole house and I try to do that because it also goes back to like, you know, we could only speak for like Latino, the Latino community where it's just like, la mujer, the woman has to do this and has to do that, that, that, that, that. But we also breaking those down to those chains. Very traditional. Like the woman needs to do everything at the house and the manager is the quote unquote provider. But at the same time, we're both providers. So it's just like.
He's very understanding of like, even though he did grow up in that that aspect, the woman need to wake up early and make them food that clean the house. I'm just like, I'm not that woman. I ain't her. So I'm just like, I don't I don't do all that stuff. But he does like he he's a big supporter of like for me doing everything. He's just I don't know how you do it or just doing all this stuff. And when it comes to me trying to, you know, push the spiritual side to him, he'll have certain things because it's still belief.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (58:19.16)
part of like, you know, he has his own things and it's the hardest part of the control where it's just like, why aren't you doing it? And then I'm questioning the whole life existence of why are you in my life? If you can't follow me. What do you mean? You can't do what I tell you. So it's it throws me into a loop of like, am I right with the right person? Do I want to do this? But I feel like to be honest,
Life wouldn't be that fun having another spiritual side person with me. I thought about that too, for sure. thought about it like, today in the morning, I'm like, would it be fun? Like it would be cool going to retreats with my significant other and stuff like that. But I mean, like, do I really want them to be like, they're gonna know when I'm really going through something. I kind of know, I like the mystery of you not knowing me. And honestly, that's why I feel like my relationship with my husband works so well, because he's for sure, like high functioning.
autism or Asperger's or whatever. Like we joke around that he's like an alien. He's a robot. He is a superior being to all of us because he is so much smarter in so many ways. You know, he doesn't, but he's not like reading my energy. He's not doing any of that. So he doesn't ever get confused. Like, unless I say something and then do something different.
That's the only time he gets confused or he gets frustrated. He's following the guidebook of who you are and then you do something different. You jump from step one to five and he's like, what's going on? No, it's more like it's, it's literally like you said you were going to take the green car. Why did you take the white car? Like that's literally like, you said one thing, why are you doing the other? Yeah. Or you said you're fine, but you're really not fine.
Like, why are you giving me, like, why are you, you know what I mean? That's when that wouldn't. But other than that, it really works because I'm able to like go through my emotions. support at 100, he brought me food. you're like, ta-da. So we were just talking, I think he heard me. That's why he's trying to make a good D.O.P. Just go, baby. But yeah, it's crazy that how far we've come.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:00:36.522)
And regards even relationships like, obviously, yeah, you you're the one that brought up a huge point today in the morning of like, that's what makes a relationship, you know, not counting not, you know, don't think don't get comfortable guys thinking that we're also talking about the, you know, the physical abuse and the repetitiveness and all that's like toxic relationships. Yeah, we're not. When it comes to like, a relationship, no, regardless, no relationship is perfect. No relationship is perfect. And it's more of like a team.
I was like, you guys can't be the same and I was losing control and not having to have control over everything. Because you said the whole, being a single mother, dealing with all this, we've done that work. And I think there's hundreds of people that when this reaches them, they're going to be like, yeah, I have to do this. I have to do the dad, the mom part. And then it's just like, when you're putting a, I've said this so many times on my life. It's just like, you have to be happy with yourself first. And even if you're still finding yourself whether you're significant or other, remember that they're a plasma.
plus one and they're still their own thing. It's just like, you guys have to somehow readjust to make it work. And we're so used to always doing everything together. mean, doing everything by ourselves that the other person is just, it seems like a burden, but it like, they're probably doing something that, you know, balances you. Cause I am the chaotic one in the relationship. the, think things need to be done like this. If it's not done, then it's tripping out like da da da da, da da da da. And this guy's the like, why is that?
And I was like, what do you mean you're not stressing? It's supposed to be stressful. It cannot not be stressful. So it was just like every part is where you ask yourself like, OK, so what is this person? Even the peaceful side of him, I'm like, why are you trying to show me that it makes me annoyed? And is that like, I'm not patient. I am not patient at all. And he is. And I think you see that even with your husband, sorry, he's like that part where we were kind of like the same.
On the same side, you and me where it comes like, I feel more calm around him for sure. I get excited and I'm talking about, and he's like, okay. And then I'm like, I'll sit there and I'll go, I've been talking a while. Then I'll be like, okay, cool. Do you know, like you just have to wreck, like have that self-awareness. Little did you know that he was shooting a dart at you so you could call the alien side of you.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:03:01.27)
But relationships could be crazy. I mean, just relationships as a relationship, relationship, romantic relationship. It's just like every person in our life represents something. Every person in our life is a mirror to like, what am I not seeing about myself? Even if you're having tears in your freaking eyes while you're doing it, it's just like not see everything from the victim mentality. Like, what am I doing wrong? It's like, well, like, don't ask it like that. Ask yourself, like, what are they trying to show me? Yeah.
And it's, you know, like we go back to I'm emphasizing a lot of this because a lot of people, you know, when we're not healing or we're not doing the work, we feel like, it's just physical. It's, you know, I'm not recognizing something once I recognize it, it's all going to stop something. Right. yeah. I've that so many times. It's like, you'll know it when you see it. And it's like, yeah, but if you just if you if you do that and then you take no responsibility for working on yourself, like. It's you're just going to be high maintenance.
Yeah, and sometimes that works, you know what I mean? Like there's absolutely relationships that that work and they find the compatibility it has everything to do with your belief systems and you know what I mean, but for sure When you find a good relationship, they will help you heal in ways that you Didn't even expect like positively like in positive ways as in like not healing through
like reigniting trauma, not healing through them being abusive and you realizing, I don't need this in my life, right? I'm talking about like, you all of a sudden have a trigger, you experience something and you're trying to figure it out and they're there to support you. And then you realize that they're actually teaching you that value. for us, the one thing, one thing that always sticks out in my mind is loyalty.
I never realized that I didn't have loyalty, that like my whole life, how we were raised, how like the relationship between my mom and my dad, it ain't sad, it's just reality. You know, the fact that we moved around all the time, the lack of friends, the lack of connections, the lack of connection to our extended family, the lack of connection to our cultures even, right? Like there was always just an overwhelming lack of loyalty and...
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:05:24.334)
It was always emphasized with this point of like independence, right? And freedom. But it was to an extreme where there was no loyalty. And as I'm sitting there like going through this in my own way through my, through like figuring out my own issues and what I'm trying to manifest in my life, all of a sudden I realized I look at my husband and I go, my God, you are like the embodiment of loyalty. You're like.
And they just realized like, my God, like not only do you have it on the genetic level, like he's Russian. Like there's just a tremendous amount of cultural, like people being loyal to each other, helping each other that those people have gone through so much, you know, everyone who's ever been in power has always tried to just kill half the population and has usually succeeded, right? Even now we're going through that, you know, it's just like women, mothers, wives, daughters, they're all tired of.
losing bodies to senseless wars and to senseless battles. that loyalty is something that he understands. Even if there's craziness in his own family, he calls them every single weekend. He talks to them every single weekend. He doesn't create conflict. He's just always so incredibly loyal. And I was like, my God. I just need to look at you and be like,
That's how I do it. Okay, I got it. But you can't plan that. You can't plan that. You can only do your best, work on yourself, and just trust God and the universe that they're going to bring you the best relationship that serves your highest and greatest good. That's it. You have to have that trust because if not, you're stuck in that control phase where you're just like, if I'm not the one who is taking control of this, it's all going to fall apart.
Right? Which is a learned, it's something that we learn, but we have to unlearn that if we want to. Sometimes not even what we learn is like what's being passed down to. Right, exactly. To learn either genetically, through your DNA, through what you see, what you feel, right? It's a lot, it's a lot, but it's, you're adopting it in some way.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:07:46.19)
What about your relationships? didn't talk about your relationships. You put me and then we switched and then I mean, we're talking about sarc. What about your I've had some toxic relationships. That'll be for the second episode. That'll be for the, yeah, yeah, exactly. But yeah, I mean, I'm definitely, I've had all kinds of relationships. You know, I like to think I'm so grateful for every single one of my relationships, even the ones that were like really bad where there was.
you know, people either cheated on me, people either hurt me physically, verbally or whatever. I'm like so good. I'm so good. And I have a lot of love for every single one of the people that I've ever dated because I feel like they taught me so much about myself. And I was funny because I've like, you know, Spanish, how there's different words for like the word love in general, like Te quiero, te adoro, te amo. And English is just love. It's just like, there's no between, there's no separation.
Yeah, so I was even telling that to my mom and even I said it on TikTok. It's just like, you know, like I said, we have different relationships, you know, long term relationships or whatever, like, you know, serious relationships and whatnot. Getting to understand that part of healing, being able to say, you know, I have love for them. It's it's different. So I've said that I think like last week or this week on TikTok as well, where it's just like, you know.
It's one thing loving the person because you don't want anything to happen to them wishing them well, by God, with God, God bless you, whatever. And there's a huge difference when you say when you're in love with this person is just a whole different thing. it's just like this whole thing, let's say for example, with the baby daddy stuff, when people are like, do you hate him? I'm like, no, I love him. They're like, you love your baby daddy, but you're with your husband. Yeah, I love him. I don't want this. Like, you know, I don't want him to go through anything. Like I jokingly say this fool, cause I'm used at this point.
But it's just like, I don't want this, you I don't want him to go through anything at the end of the day, you know, I recognize him. He taught me a lot. Was it easy? Was it fast? Was it, know, what I wanted it to be or how it ended it? No, that's not what I wanted. I think that's for everybody, like whatever relationship it is, even your past relationships, that's not what we wanted. That's not what we wanted to go through the abuse, the physical, the emotional, the whatever, the verbal, whatever you want to call it, all the abuse and the above. Yeah, we don't want that. But it's a huge part of your healing once you're able to say,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:10:06.478)
I love you. love you. you know, I get the right. Right. Because you see them for their trauma. You don't see them for the pain they inflict and the choices they make because you see that all of those choices are coming from a really scary place inside of them that they, they weren't just born with, right. Or they might've been born a neurotypical or whatever, but then weren't in a household that
understood and knew how to nurture them and help support them, which is a lot of what happens, especially as we learn more about being a neurotypical, about ADD, about autism spectrum disorder, about a lot of things. You know, we're just realizing like, you know, a lot of people who have narcissistic behaviors or personalities, it's actually because they learned to survive because they were in a household that
was teaching them how to survive when they were perhaps in your typical maybe, know, empathy didn't come that easy to them, but they still had emotions. But then they realized, okay, transaction, right? This is how this works because your parent is toxic or whatever, but you're like, well, this is what I'm learning. But as you grow older, you don't go, hey, that's wrong. You go, this works because this is what I know.
Right. I'm writing that even on the Patreon for myself. Well, for next week, I'm putting, because right now we're talking about the whole boundary stuff and so on. But I did, that's a huge part as well, like relationships, regardless if we have a relationship with our parents. And a lot of the time we have our own opinions towards our parents because like, you know, the biggest things once you have kids, it's just like, I want to do that to my kids, why are you doing it to me? You know, why did you do it to me? So I am writing something about like, you know, recognizing
our parents because it's something that we don't realize that some of us didn't have a parent there. Maybe they were there physically, but mentally they're not there. Emotionally they're not there because they either they're always working, they didn't have enough or they were abusive or the alcohol or the drugs and all that place affect and what person they're raising or how this person ends up growing up. And this potential person that grew up is now either your ex.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:12:24.974)
Or you're still in a relationship with this person that lived the trauma that never healed from it. It's just like the survival instinct of like, did everything by myself, but my mom was not there. My dad was not there. My dad beat my mom, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now it's creating this person that somehow you have almost a similar story, but now they're the ones showing you what you have to forgive. We have to recognize, but it comes from also recognizing our parents that they didn't really have a lot of help as well growing up.
Maybe they didn't know what love was or they also were abused or they were also, you know, they didn't have the support or they didn't have their parent in general. So their body, their own mind and soul or whatever, just like, so what do we do to survive? And all they're used to is the survival instinct, even if it's not the healthiest. And now here's this full adult now, still with trauma. Full and cool. Seeing them copy and paste.
So it's, you're, and now this person that grew up is now this person that's filled with hurt, anger, sadness. And it's just, crazy how, yeah, we're talking about relationships with, know, past lovers or whatever, ex-husbands, wives, whatever. But it goes back so deep in like, it doesn't just end with their parents. So it doesn't end just with them. It doesn't start with just them. just like, what about back then?
Yeah, because usually in the 80s, 60s, 50s, like it was a lot of hurt and it was just that. even before that, right? Especially if we came from different countries of our parents or immigrants, you have to understand the culture from where your people came from. survival instinct to make it to where they were. Yeah, absolutely. And that's like a whole that's a whole other ball of wax. That's definitely for next episode.
Legit like really if we were to dive into the spiritual we'll be here for like guys This is a great to cry where you're gonna you're gonna sit here watch us from 8 in the morning to 5 p.m. Just like a regular job It's a whole new but you just never stop learning like I was just telling my friend Itzy today like prior to getting to the thing like it's so crazy how there's their different views of like spirituality itself because there's stuff like that she says differently that you see differently that I see differently that you think it this way so it's just like it all ties down of
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:14:47.15)
how we're healing. And that's one thing that I want people to also know. And I think you even, you talked about it. It was just like, there's not just one way of healing. It was like the video I posted earlier. It's have to accept the process because it's, everyone's process is different. And that's why even when someone is being toxic, even when someone is making on the outset poor decisions, you have to trust that they're going through their process. And the only thing
that you can make a decision on is whether or not you want to be in that circle of energy or not. Because as soon as you make their problem your problem, right, you're making that choice. You're getting into the yucky water with them, right? And then you wanna jump into that water and then blame them for why you're all like, no.
Is that what we're doing at the very end of this episode? Just triggering and attacking me? You can just attack me. You can just attack me. It's totally understandable and it goes back to the us wanting to have some type of control over everything in our life. And it's the hardest part too. was just like accepting everybody's journey through it. And especially when accepting this journey of a person, this
person is your significant other is just like, bro, just get it together. Like, it be so easy. But if it were too easy, it's just like, like one of the Oracle cards that I have there, it says, what if it was so easy? It would be boring. It's true. It can be boring. Like if everything's just like, well also, and that's what I was telling you this morning, right? It's like, Sark and I were on the outset, we're so boring because we like don't have any drama, but
If it was so easy, what does it do? It frees up all that energy for you to do everything that you want to do, right? And then it's just you in your own way of like having, then it's just a matter of reeling in the ideas and being like, okay, that's like a lot, like I need to prioritize because now you have all this freed up energy instead of like worrying about why did they do that? Why are they saying that? Why aren't they looking at me?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:17:08.096)
Are they looking at their phone? You know, like all of that energy, Like, it's a waste. my God. And I, cause I know that feeling where you're just like, but it's convenient because then you don't have to think about all the amazing things that you can do because that's scary. It's a lot of ambiguity in your own success.
So what do do? You just wrap yourself up in drama because that's a lot easier. Can we also talk about the fact that we promote the healing but we don't do the healing for them? Right, exactly. A lot of people get confused in what we do. Like, yes, we promote it but we don't help you. We're giving you the tool. You do the work, homegirl, homeboy. Yeah. You doing this on... If you show up and you're like, what is this?
and you're just open, like that's everything. Like just be open. That's it. Just be open because maybe you don't know what to do or how to work on yourself. But if you go to somebody and you're looking for help, just be open. That's it. As long as you're open, you're going to get something out of it. You're going to learn something about yourself. Even if it's something that you didn't want to hear, ask yourself, why was that difficult to listen to? Just be honest with yourself. So I have a session coming up, so we have to wrap this
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:18:39.694)
No nothing, no bye, just beep and leave. Okay bye. Bye. I love this. So if y'all don't know, Jocelyn's definitely going to be a reoccurring guest because she's my little girl. I'm in the books now. I can't get rid of you. Yeah, exactly. It's happened. You're like a tattoo. Can't get rid of you.
Can't get rid of you. Now it's just, we know what we did. We actually just jumped into this. Like, girl, know who are, but they don't even know who I am. Just like, it's Jocelyn. All right, let's get into this. Jocelyn. That's what I, cause you know, people never see you anyway. They don't know you. They'll know you. If they don't know you, they'll about to know you. They're about to know you.
All right, y'all, thank you so much for tuning in. Love you guys so much. Remember, you are amazing. You are awesome. You are all ready perfect. And here we all go. All right. Love you guys. We'll talk to you later. Wait, I don't do that. I'm just like, bye. I'm over here copying you.