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Intersectional feminist conversations about doing work and life differently. Hosts Becky Mollenkamp and Faith Clarke talk with entrepreneurs, authors, and thinkers about capacity, care, bias, and burnout. We name the systems we're taught to ignore, and imagine what's possible when we stop performing and start being honest.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:06.904)
Hello, this is Becky coming at you live from a hotel room. I am not on some grand vacation, however, I'm in a hotel room in my own city. I do apologize if it ends up sounding echoey, because I'm recording inside of this space. But I thought that I would do something different with this episode as we're exploring women's labor this summer. I thought I would share a little bit of my own journey around women's labor and then talk to you about why I'm in this hotel. And then throughout the next two days,
come back and just share a little bit about what I've been doing. So why am I here? I'm gonna start there. Every quarter-ish, I do a solo hotel retreat inside my city. I find a hotel, I'm a Marriott Bonvoy member, so I get bonus points and kind of cruise some miles and all of that. And I find a Marriott property inside my city that is interesting. Often I get one with a kitchen. This one doesn't have that because I really...
bunker down while I'm here and use this time to do self-care, do work, reflect and do big picture thinking, relax, enjoy the things that I might not enjoy at home with my husband and my kid around. So that's what I do. And I do it once a quarter for two nights. I tried one night. It wasn't enough. I do two nights. So it gives me a full day tomorrow all to myself. And I enjoy myself while I'm here. And I hadn't, I was due for my
retreat at Mother's Day. Generally, I do them around my birthday in February. A quarter later is about Mother's Day. And then I often end up skipping the one in the summer, which would normally be around August, but sometimes I do it. And then I usually do one again around November. And this is what happened this year and why I'm here in July, almost August, doing this instead of when I was supposed to be doing it back in mid-May. This year has been rough. It's been rough for a lot of us.
We have everything that's going on in the world. I've been dealing with some financial burden of my business not performing the way that I am used to due to, think, a lot of people tightening purse strings, feeling concerned about the economy, feeling uncertain about just the country's future, feeling stressed and overwhelmed by life. And I think many people have sort of cut back on spending. That's part of why I think it's happening. Another part is I think I haven't been doing a great job of telling people about the work I do and
Becky Mollenkamp (02:30.412)
encouraging them to work with me. That's something I'm remedying. So on top of the world stuff, the sort of group, the cultural trauma we're all dealing with, the collective trauma that's sitting on everyone's shoulders, I've also been dealing with some financial, I wouldn't say some, a lot of financial stress this year. And then also my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer. A year ago, he's been going through, he had been going through that whole
experience of treatment and care and fighting, and he fought like hell. And then just before Mother's Day or back in April, his prognosis got worse. And by Mother's Day, Memorial Day, we started to know that things were, it was probably getting towards the end, which then meant I was carrying additional load of my own grief, but also really trying to help my husband.
and especially my young child who this is his first big loss and helping them with some of their emotional weight. So I've been carrying that as well. Plus I dealt with some depression before that because of the things going on in the world. So I was on some new medication and trying to sort of help myself through that. And I've been dealing with para menopause, which is its own journey for anyone who's on it. Lots of physical symptoms and frustrations, minimal help from the healthcare world.
And all of it has just added up to May wasn't a good time for me to do my retreat despite needing it more than ever. And I just think many people can probably relate to this. When we need our care the most, it often feels the most difficult to take it. And I knew that that was limited. My father-in-law did unfortunately pass away right around the 1st of July. And the last few weeks have been spent trying to, again, navigate that time with my husband's
family and also our immediate family, my husband and son and I. And now here we are almost August and my now my husband's going back to work. So he's a educator. He's home in the summer. Theoretically, he did summer school, taught, wasn't in it in June to help with the financial situation. Then his dad died and he's been dealing with that. And now he's back to work in like a week. And so while I was hoping to, well, I felt bad leaving, right. The guilt comes up of taking this time to myself.
Becky Mollenkamp (04:55.65)
while my husband's in his grief and my son is dealing with all the things he has going on, I knew that there wasn't much time left for me to do this before my husband goes back to work and my son will end up back in school and life goes on and it just gets challenging. And before I know it'll be my scheduled time to go in November and I will have missed not just one, but two of my quarterly retreats this year, which just doesn't feel acceptable to me. So I was going to do over the weekend. My husband asked, would it be possible to do it during the week?
that would be more helpful for him with just family stuff. And I was like, I don't see why not. I have no reason not to because the school isn't in session for my son. So here I am in the middle of a week on a solo hotel retreat. And I do these because I need that space. I'm an introvert. I'm someone who needs a lot of alone time, reflection time, just being with myself. I'm sort of my own.
Bestie, I am my own best company. I love my husband, I love my son, but both of them are more extroverted than I am. My son is extremely introverted. They both are people who like to spend time with each other, but also with me. And I love that. And it can be draining for me as an introvert in a way that it's not for either of them. For my son, it's not at all draining because he is the most extroverted. What's draining for him is being alone.
for my husband who's a bit more of an ambivert, it's not draining, it's not energy, he can go either way with it, right? He could be with us, he could be without us, he prefers to be with us, think he's a little more extroverted, but I'm the one in our family who has this challenge around not getting enough alone time, enough solitude. And so that is why I take this time because I need it. I need it to be how I want to be inside of our family, to show up the way I wanna show up for them and for myself.
because I can feel when I haven't done it, I can feel myself getting on, or I'm walking on, you know, more and more glass where I feel like I can snap more. I'm less able to show up in the calm and the caring and the patient way I want to with both my husband and my child and the world around me. So I know I need this. My husband has seen the evidence of it being helpful because he also knows I come back feeling far more.
Becky Mollenkamp (07:12.086)
refreshed and relaxed and able to have that patience and be with everyone and feel better about it. Two nights a quarter, so eight nights a year is not really enough, but it's a lot more than nothing. And that quarter is fantastic. Like I can feel by the time it's been too long, and this has definitely been too long, because it's been six months, it's been half a year since I've done this, and that's too long for me and I can tell. But again, there were a lot of circumstances that sort of negated or are necessary.
What's word I Necessitated? Necessitated. There were circumstances that necessitated me sort of pushing that back. Or maybe I'm excusing myself. I could have maybe done it sooner. So here I am. I will be doing all sorts of things this weekend in the hotel. Or this week. It's not a weekend. So weird. I've never done it on a weekday. So I'm going to share that. I'll come back and just frequently share what it looked like, what I've been doing. I literally just arrived.
20 minutes ago. The first thing I did when I came in was hit that thermostat down as low as it would go. It was up at about 76 or something. It's down to 70 now, trying to get it down into the 60s. One of my joys of being here as a perimenopausal woman is I get full control of the thermostat and I can make this room as cool as I want it to be, which feels so magical to me. What a small gift, but it's a huge gift for me. I also use the restroom, unpacked and set up my computer.
because right after this, I'm hosting a co-working session for the Messy Liberation Coaches Circle. Again, if you don't know, Taina and I host a membership community for coaches who care about equity and social justice. It's an amazing community. It's a really low price space. If you're interested, information will be in the show notes. If you're a coach or someone who uses coaching skills in your work, we would love to have you join us. It's a place where we get together to support each other and talk about...
both the practice of coaching and also the business of coaching, the business end of being an entrepreneur and trying to create and run a coaching business. So I have a responsibility. I have signed up to host that call and I will see that through. I got into my hotel at about two. I requested early check-in. It's usually at three. Prior to getting here, I stopped and got some snacks and some food. After that call sometime this evening, I will go out to dinner. So I will report back to you again this evening and then
Becky Mollenkamp (09:39.054)
probably once or twice tomorrow. This is a, what day is this as I'm recording it? This is a Wednesday. I'll report back again this evening and let you know again, kind of what I did while I was here. I'll do it again tomorrow. And then maybe before I check out on Friday, we'll see how that goes. And maybe a little wrap up at the end just to tell you again, like what I got from the experience and how I think you might be able to recreate something like this for yourself. So I'm gonna pause it here.
I will be back later tonight to just give you an update on how the evening has gone. Again, the next thing that's up on my schedule is hosting a coworking call. So just a quiet coworking call. I was going to do some work anyway, so it's not a big deal for me to host that. And I'll have the TV on right now. I'm watching Germany versus Spain women's soccer or football in the Euro final that they have semi-final that's going on. And just breathing in the joy of how quiet is.
It is in here when I'm not speaking. I don't have the volume on the TV. The only noise is the air conditioner kicking in and trying to get down to that number I asked it to get to. And otherwise it is quiet and peaceful and just me and my thoughts, which for some people might sound like torture, but to me sounds like heaven. So I will be back soon to give you an update.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:00.814)
I'm not gonna lie, I almost forgot to check back in before going to bed. It's 8 p.m. on the first night. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can see I've changed. I'm in my jammies now. I have the temperature getting down low in here. It's almost 66. I'm on the way down to 60. It was 75 when I got here. That feels amazing for this perimenopausal woman. I have in the few hours since I last
was on here. What I've accomplished, not that I have to accomplish. I can be less productive and it's okay. But I have gotten some YouTube shorts up for several different podcast episodes. I have recorded the podcast episode. I led a coworking session and I made a few updates on a couple other podcast related things for my different shows. And
I went and had dinner and I started watching Building the Band on Netflix. And I'm about four hours deep into that. I gave myself a little facial or a little mask on my face, which that may look like I'm peeling and that's why. And I've just been kicking back in bed, relaxing. Even the work I've done has primarily been done in that relaxing place. And I'm gonna have a nighttime snack.
watch a couple more episodes of the show and try to get a good night's sleep. So that's what day one of my little solo hotel retreat has been like. And I will be back tomorrow to update you again and just tell you what I've been doing. And then I will end this by, you know, encouraging you to do the same, but I'll see you tomorrow.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:02.626)
Hey, not sure if this is recording right, so we're gonna find out, but I'm back on day two at midday, it's noon. I just thought I'd give you a quick update. So this morning I slept in a little bit. I slept until eight, which was lovely, although I didn't go to sleep until almost two, which was less lovely. Sometimes I struggle sleeping alone in a hotel room. I have anxiety, I get worked up in my head about safety issues. And that's usually what happens, especially on night one.
Hey, not sure if this is recording right, so we're gonna find out, but I'm back on day two at midday, it's noon. I just thought I'd give you a quick update. So this morning I slept in a little bit. I slept until eight, which was lovely, although I didn't go to sleep until almost two, which was less lovely. Sometimes I struggle sleeping alone in a hotel room. I have anxiety, I get worked up in my head about safety issues, and that's usually what happens, especially on night one.
So was prepared for it, but that's why on day two, I generally do a lot of relaxing. So I slept in as late as I could, got up, thought about going down to get breakfast at the hotel and decided I didn't really want to. So I stayed in bed, started the last season of Squid Game, finishing that up, did some work. I got an email sent out to my list, took care of answering some emails and I have to do a few more.
So I was prepared for it, but that's why on day two, I generally do a lot of relaxing. So I slept in as late as I could, got up, thought about going down to get breakfast at the hotel and decided I didn't really want to. So I stayed in bed, started the last season of Squid Game, finishing that up, did some work. I got an email sent out to my list, took care of answering some emails and I have to do a few more.
activities related to business that I will be doing in bed after I finish recording this and taking some breaks to take a shower, do another face mask, a pedicure, just treat my skin really well while relaxing with some essential oils that I brought for the scent and I will keep getting work done but also at a really, really leisurely pace.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:59.273)
activities related to business that I will be doing in bed after I finish recording this and taking some breaks to take a shower, do another face mask, a pedicure, just treat my skin really well while relaxing with some essential oils that I brought for the scent and
I will keep getting work done, but also at a really, really leisurely pace. I'm about to eat some lunch. Same thing I ate yesterday, because it was easy and close and it sounded good. I went and picked up a few more things for dinner tonight. I have a little refrigerator and microwave, so I just got a microwave meal.
I'm about to eat some lunch, same thing I ate yesterday, because it was easy and close and it sounded good. I went and picked up a few more things for dinner tonight. I have a little refrigerator and microwave, so I just got a microwave meal. Oftentimes I get a place that has a kitchen so that I can make food while I'm here, because I actually find that to be a really nice treat, making myself a nice meal by myself. But since I'm not in one of those, I just got a decent microwave meal because I'm gone out for lunch both days.
Oftentimes I get a place that has a kitchen so that I can make food while I'm here, because I actually find that to be a really nice treat, making myself a nice meal by myself. But since I'm not in one of those, I just got a decent microwave meal because I'm gone out for lunch both days and I'm just doing dinner in the room by myself to keep costs down and also because I don't want to go back out and leave and I don't really want to Uber Eats anything. So I'm going to eat some lunch.
and I'm just doing dinner in the room by myself to keep costs down and also because I don't want to go back out and leave and I don't really want to Uber Eats anything. So I'm going to eat some lunch, get some more work done, do some pampering and then perhaps check in again before the evening. But this is what it's like when I do my solo retreat. It's laid back and comfortable.
Becky Mollenkamp (02:11.541)
get some more work done, do some pampering, and then perhaps check in again before the evening. But this is what it's like when I do my solo retreat. It's laid back and comfortable, relaxing. I can already feel myself feeling so much more relaxed.
relaxing. I can already feel myself feeling so much more relaxed.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:01.174)
I'm back with another update. This is day two and it is almost dinner time. If you're watching this video, then you will see that I am wearing a mask, a hydrating mask. It's quite the look because today has been largely about pampering and relaxing. I also had a nice long zoom chat with a biz friend, got a whole bunch of administrative tasks.
back with another update. This is day two and it is almost dinner time. If you're watching this video then you will see that I am wearing a mask, a hydrating mask. It's quite the look because today has been largely about pampering and relaxing. I also had a nice long zoom chat with a biz friend, got a whole bunch of administrative tasks.
done while watching Squid Game, the end of that show, and then started Couples Therapy, not in person, but on TV, the Showtime show. And I've been enjoying that and not even doing any work, just enjoying the hydration from my mask. I did a lip mask. I took a nice long warm shower and
done while watching Squid Game, the end of that show, and then started Couples Therapy, not in person but on TV, the Showtime show. And I've been enjoying that and not even doing any work, just enjoying the hydration from my mask. I did a lip mask. I took a nice long warm shower and
had that call and now I've just been watching TV and relaxing. And in a little bit, I'm going to eat dinner. I'm going to do a couple more administrative tasks from bed and then I'm going to try and get a nice good night's sleep again. Hopefully this time a little better. Usually on night two I do. Tomorrow I don't have to check out until noon. So I get a whole 46 hours in this hotel room. I think I will in the morning record one more final thoughts sort of thing. Hopefully wrapping this up.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:51.016)
had that call and now I've just been watching TV and relaxing. And in a little bit, I'm gonna eat dinner, I'm gonna do a couple more administrative tasks from bed, and then I'm gonna try and get a nice good night's sleep again. Hopefully this time a little better. Usually on night two I do. Tomorrow I don't have to check out until noon, so I get a whole 46 hours in this hotel room. I think I will in the morning record one more final thoughts sort of thing, hopefully wrapping this up.
and summarizing what it is about these solo retreats that mean so much to me. But as I was talking today with my biz friend on Zoom, I mentioned I was doing this. They were like, that sounds amazing. I need to do more of that. And I will tell you, every person I talk to about this, they say exactly that. It's the exact same thing. Gosh, that's amazing. I should do that. And what I've discovered is we're all just waiting for this internal permission to...
and summarizing what it is about these solo retreats that mean so much to me. But as I was talking today with my biz friend on Zoom, I mentioned I was doing this, they were like, that sounds amazing. I need to do more of that. And I will tell you, every person I talk to about this, they say exactly that. It's the exact same thing. Gosh, that's amazing. I should do that. And what I've discovered is we're all just waiting for this internal permission to...
take time for ourselves to do something like this solo hotel retreat. And here I am saying permission granted, I'm giving you permission. I don't have to though, because you just get to give yourself permission. Like you're an adult and you get to make these choices for yourself. We don't have to burn out and collapse under the weight of all of the emotional and physical.
take time for ourselves to do something like this solo hotel retreat. And here I am saying permission granted, I'm giving you permission. I don't have to though, because you just get to give yourself permission. Like you're an adult and you get to make these choices for yourself. We don't have to burn out and collapse under the weight of all of the emotional and physical.
Becky Mollenkamp (02:16.718)
labor or the invisible labor that we are laboring under that we are that we are being suffocated by. We can make other choices. And some of those we've been presenting here, they can look like taking time to yourself like this in a small, smaller way, like a night away at a hotel or even a few hours away at a coffee shop. Or going for a nice long walk, or it can look like something longer, like Heather Vickery talked about in her episode with a
labor or the invisible labor that we are laboring under, that we are being suffocated by, we can make other choices. And some of those we've been presenting here, they can look like taking time to yourself like this in a small, smaller way, like a night away at a hotel or even a few hours away at a coffee shop or going for a nice long walk. Or it can look like something longer like Heather Vickery talked about in her episode with a
going away for a week at a beautiful place like Costa Rica kind of retreat. Again, the link to that retreat next year is in my show notes. You should definitely check it out. And it can also look like community. Part of this experience for me is all about being alone. However, even within that, I've had a couple of community moments, co-working yesterday, a coffee chat with a friend today that have reminded me that I also don't have to go through things alone. And I actually sent out an email to my list.
going away for a week at a beautiful place like Costa Rica kind of retreat. Again, the link to that retreat next year is in my show notes. You should definitely check it out. And it can also look like community. Part of this experience for me is all about being alone. However, even within that, I've had a couple of community moments, co-working yesterday, a coffee chat with a friend today, that have reminded me that I also don't have to go through things alone. And I actually sent out an email to my list.
and have been getting responses back. And there's that reminder of the community and the so many ways that we have community. I have a partner who helps me be able to do this, but also I have family that I can lean on to be able to do things like this. Find your community, ask for help, carve out time, give yourself permission, do the things you need to do so that the weight of all that labor that you're carrying
Becky Mollenkamp (03:15.44)
and have been getting responses back. And there's that reminder of the community and so many ways that we have community. I have a partner who helps me be able to do this, but also I have family that I can lean on to be able to do things like this. Find your community, ask for help, carve out time, give yourself permission, do the things you need to do so that the weight of all that labor that you're carrying
doesn't consume you. You are allowed and you deserve it. Now that I've said all that, I may just wrap it up here because that way I can use this evening to actually get this episode edited and out to the world. Granted, it's gonna go out with me wearing this mask and that will be the last thing we see. Can't wait for the YouTuber comments on it. But this is it.
doesn't consume you. You are allowed and you deserve it. Now that I've said all that, I may just wrap it up here because that way I can use this evening to actually get this episode edited and out to the world. Granted, it's gonna go out with me wearing this mask and that will be the last thing we see. Can't wait for the YouTuber comments on it. But this is it.
This is what it looks like to care for yourself. And if you're just listening, thank goodness, because I do look kind of wild. But anyway, I hope that just hearing a little of this real time experience of what it looks like for me to once a quarter or at least three times a year. Sometimes I miss one, but three times a year, six nights or eight nights a year that I carve out to give to myself to do things like work, but in a way that is more introspective, quiet.
This is what it looks like to care for yourself. And if you're just listening, thank goodness, because I do look kind of wild. But anyway, I hope that just hearing a little of this real time experience of what it looks like for me to once a quarter or at least three times a year. Sometimes I miss one, but three times a year, six nights or eight nights a year that I carve out to give to myself to do things like work, but in a way that is more introspective, quiet, productive.
Becky Mollenkamp (04:39.96)
productive, no distractions, no laundry to be done, no dishes to be done, no kid asking for my help. And also to care for my skin and my body and to give myself rest and to allow myself to indulge in the kinds of shows that I don't get to watch otherwise at home or things that I enjoy eating some food that I love. Just being with myself and the ways that is so healing and restorative. I hope that that inspires you.
No distractions, no laundry to be done, no dishes to be done, no kid asking for my help. And also to care for my skin and my body and to give myself rest and to allow myself to indulge in the kinds of shows that I don't get to watch otherwise at home or things that I enjoy. Eating some food that I love, just being with myself and the ways that that is so healing and restorative. I hope that that inspires you.
It doesn't have to look like it looks like for me, but all of us need to find ways, small, big, within our means, granted the privilege that we have, you know, using that where we have it or leaning on others when we don't, but finding ways to care for ourselves before things become unmanageable. So anyway, I hope it inspires you. I hope this is the permission slip you need to go for care for yourself and do something nice for yourself.
It doesn't have to look like it looks like for me, but all of us need to find ways, small, big, within our means, granted the privilege that we have, you know, using that where we have it, or leaning on others when we don't, but finding ways to care for ourselves before things become unmanageable. So anyway, I hope it inspires you. I hope this is the permission slip you need to go care for yourself and do something nice for yourself.
And thanks for listening. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my solo retreat.
Becky Mollenkamp (05:40.072)
and thanks for listening. I'm gonna go enjoy the rest of my solo retreat.