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Cinema PSYOPS is a weekly film review podcast where we experiment on an impressionable mind to find out why physical wounds heal, but Cinematic ones don't.
And welcome to the 464th consecutive week of Cinema PSYOPS.
I'm your host, Cort, the guy that is super stoked that that means we only got four more weeks of Al Adamson before it's all over with and we can move on to year 10.
And just as stoked about all that, but confused about everything that I said, because I do run on sentences, it's my close man.
Yeah, man, I don't know.
I'm sorry, man.
I stuck with you for about the first couple of minutes of that and now I'm done.
All right, so we have four episodes of Al Adamson shit left.
And one sort of filler episode where I released that canned episode.
However, we're going to have it figured out.
We're at 464, so there's four total weeks left.
So there's two more episodes that you and I each have to do, at least notes on for each.
And then there's one canned episode that we're going to use to finish out year nine at one point.
And then we have one remaining episode.
So since it's not going to be a switch hit on that, I propose to you that the final episode for Al Adamson and the final episode for year nine, we just phone it in completely and just do a commentary and call it a day.
And by the way, we're also dropping some of them off the end of the year as well.
We're dropping at least like Carnival Magic and then another movie or so of Al Adamson's.
We're dropping off the end on top of this.
We're ending this year with Death Dimension.
It's done with Death Dimension at 468, and that's going to be a fucking commentary.
We're just phoning it in.
I mean, it's about fucking time.
So we can just audibly groan and fucking complain over top of what is just terrible, absolutely terrible.
Just fucking, I mean, yours was, but mine was, oh.
Yeah.
You know, when I think of Uncle Tom's Cabin and I think of what a sensitive story that is in such a sensitive subject in such a horrible time and just really dark chapter of American history, and I think, you know, that's the sort of thing that needs to be handled with kid gloves, with someone with taste, with a real auteur, anyone other than Al Adamson should be involved with this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not the most, not the most proud we could be as a country.
This almost made Passion Plantation feel less sleazy.
Like it, this is a real grimy, like I will be honest, I have not read Uncle Tom's Cabin.
That was one of those books that was like, I thought I was going to eventually be assigned to read it, so I never got around to it, and now I'm an adult and I'm fucking ashamed that I never actually read it.
Right?
Yeah.
Never did.
It just, that's just how it shook out for me.
You know, I like to read trash.
I don't want to read literary classics.
At least, at least I'm pretty well aware of what happened in that time, and it ain't, it's not good.
Right.
And I wouldn't suggest doing that again.
Right.
And Passion Plantation was the film that we covered that was like the closest to this, where it actually took place on a plantation.
And there was the normal sexual abuse stuff that you hear about taking place on the plantations and things like that that were involved with it.
And it was played to be sleazy, and it was played to be as if that was a sexy thing.
And I regretted doing that episode the minute we had to actually talk about it.
For sure.
Yeah, that was rough.
Anytime we're going to discuss this subject of slavery in America, and those times pre-Civil War, it's going to get grimy, and it's not going to be good ever.
Sure.
So what I've done to try and counteract that is picked out some relatively upbeat and happy music from 1976 to try and counteract that here and there as best I possibly could for a pirate radio edit.
It's not going to help.
This is going to be a downer of an episode, folks, and congratulations, and I'm sorry.
Let's stop fucking around and let's stop beating around the bush because it's also a long as fuck fucking movie that we got to get the fuck through.
Yeah, an hour and 38 of just...
Sure.
When I saw the title of it, I'm like, all right, super, this is definitely going to be a slavery movie, obviously.
Real gross here.
Why don't we take the break here?
We're going to play the Legion Patreon ad and then immediately following that to try and cheer us up from 1976, the Starland vocal band with the song Afternoon Delight immediately following this.
This will keep you quiet.
Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
You called me cutting a new show.
I'm Beau Ransdell, and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion Podcasts.
I said quiet!
My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting, but that comes at a cost.
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?
Not that, but also yes.
No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and software for editing, all the things that make our shows, you know, fun to listen to.
And you can help.
If you're enjoying the shows on legionpodcasts.com or in the Legion Network available on iTunes and Stitcher, just about anywhere you can download a podcast, really, you can help us out and get a little something for your trouble at patreon.com forward slash Legion Podcasts.
For just two bucks a month, you get a pair of movie commentaries exclusive to Patreon, and for five dollars, you can also join us for a monthly screening of a movie.
All of that available on patreon.com/LegionPodcasts
We appreciate it, and thank you for listening.
Now, back to the cutting room.
That is the most innuendo-filled, upbeat, cheery song about fucking in the middle of the day, I've heard a long time.
Nothing wrong with it either.
Nothing wrong with a little doing it during the day.
Yeah, like they said, you can see things so much better.
That's why it's worth doing it.
Yeah, go outside for a bit, enjoy the sun.
Get some sun in your butthole, whatever you're gonna do.
Well, if you're gonna be sending your perineum and all of that kind of stuff, make sure that you are far enough away from the sight of neighbors, because there can be charges brought up on you for that.
That's charged, yeah, make sure it's private, but if you can get a private, shoot your shot, son.
Go ahead and get that sunburned just like Mr.
Brolin did.
Yeah, that can even tan.
Anything to not talk about this, but we're gonna have to do it.
Let's get into Uncle Tom's Cabin from 1976.
Uncle Tom's Cabin, the first 20.
We see some slaves are being marched, and a woman stops them, and there's dialogue.
So, unfortunately, that's our first clip.
Don't let him take you away!
Mama needs you.
We need you.
Now go home, child.
Ain't nothing you can do.
I belong to LeGree now.
When you coming home?
Never, child.
Now you go home, tell your mama I love her.
And you too.
Now get.
Get.
Now, that's a fine young filly.
Let her be.
All right, well, he sends her away, and the guy's chase her, and the guy catches up to her, and he rapes her.
So, fuck you, movie.
This is starting off every bit as greasy, if not worse.
Yeah, I was like, oh, that's in the first five minutes.
Fucking super, this movie's gonna be just a fun time to watch.
It's before the fucking opening credits even hit.
Yeah, yeah, cause then I was supposed to say the intro happens.
So right before the opening credits, in which Al Addison loves to do long opening credits, we get this horseshit.
So, fucking great.
I get what they're trying to do.
It's exploitative, of course, but I think he's trying to set the tone as, no, this is going to be a quote unquote, accurate portrayal of how horrible slavery is.
But in reality, it's just like the Nazi exploitation films that the Italians used to do, where it was just kind of borderline glamorizing how awful they were and sexualizing things in ways that make those movies extremely uncomfortable to watch and or talk about.
Yeah.
That's what they're doing here with slavery, Mr.
Adamson.
I'm starting to think that he may be more than just your casual 60s racist after watching these films.
Yeah, might just be a little more racist than we probably like.
This film certainly involves a lot more racist shit than I would like, but we need to talk about it to get through it.
God, all right.
Anyway, after the intro, we cut to a group of people, and hey, that's our next clip.
Morning, Liza.
I see you're busy already.
Master going out?
They're called Master Shelby's boots.
They belong to the guest.
Guest?
Ain't nobody told me about no guest.
That's for sure certain.
And Mr.
Shelby always tells me when this company...
Walla's boots are here.
Can I come in, sir?
I brought your boots, sir.
What's your name?
Eliza, sir.
You've done a good job on them, Eliza.
Thank you, sir.
Are you always so shy?
Do you have a man, Eliza?
Oh, yes, sir.
I should think so.
He's a lucky man, you're very pretty.
I suppose he'd like to marry you.
We are married, sir.
Only I don't live with him.
Our neighbor's his master.
He's hired at the hemp mill.
So he works for old Mr.
Wilson.
What's his name?
Harris, sir, Jim Harris.
Do you know?
Now, can I go, please?
Mm-hmm.
You're very pretty, Eliza.
How'd you like me to buy it and take you home?
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Or the South, perhaps.
It's nice down there.
But I'm very happy right here, sir.
Come back here later.
No, we can get some beer.
And we can just bring us water up too.
I'm not going up there.
I'd rather throw myself in the river.
Child, you're supposed to be a Christian.
Stop talking like that.
They want us all to be good Christians, but they talk about it one way and do us another.
What's got into you, Eliza, honey?
You look like you see the old devil himself this morning.
I never gave thought to what the devil looks like, but I bet he looks a powerful lot like him.
You want to see me, Mr.
Morrison?
You think I rode ten miles for the fun of it?
Where's Harris?
What do you want with him?
Is it all right with you, Wilson, if I sell my own slave?
It doesn't have to be, Harris.
He's the best man I hired from you.
I know what I'm doing, Wilson, so don't butt in.
But you ought to see this machine he built over here.
He invented it himself.
It does the work of six slaves.
I don't know anything about machines, and I don't want it.
I'd rather use slaves.
They don't get rusty.
That's all I need, ain't it, for some uppity nigger to start inventing things.
You keep your place here.
You have no right to do that, Mr.
Morrison.
I didn't wrench any brains, Wilson, just a pair of arms.
I asked for good workers, and I got them.
He's the best man I have.
Don't take him away.
I'll buy him myself.
LeGree's my friend.
He paid a good price for him.
He'll teach him what it means to work.
Go on and get moving.
Don't take him away from me, Mr.
Morrison.
I'll pay more than you're getting from Mr.
LeGree.
Forget it, Wilson.
He's going to LeGree.
I can do what I want with my own property.
I'll pay a thousand dollars for him.
Nothing doing, I told you.
He's sold.
Fifteen hundred, Mr.
Morrison.
Yeah.
Two thousand.
You'll never see him again.
The cruelty is the point.
Yeah, and so then the dude is being dragged by a horse, pretty much while the guy's going to deliver him.
And he cuts himself loose, and he's able to run away.
And we cut back to some assholes, and that is our next clip.
Have you been comfortable with us, Mr.
LaGrie?
Now the business is out of the way, yes, ma'am.
Where's your son?
What's his name again?
George, please.
Oh, thank you.
He knows I hate on punctuality.
He's probably with Uncle Tom.
He can look at a watch, Kelly, wherever he is.
Well, time is not important when you're young.
He'll be old enough for college next year.
College?
That would be pretty expensive, won't it?
Well, with a big beautiful estate like this, you can afford it, I guess.
With plenty of hard work, Mr.
LeGree.
Well, I know, madam.
I have a plantation of my own, Down River.
Down River?
Near Natchez, ma'am.
A thousand acres of long staple cotton.
That's the only crop you can make money on because of the climate.
Swamp fever.
We lose a lot of slaves.
But that's life, ma'am.
Excuse us, please, for being late.
We were listening to the singing.
I don't believe you met the children yet, Mr.
LeGree.
This is our Virginia.
The reports didn't do you justice, young lady.
How do you do?
May I offer my congratulations?
How do you do, sir?
Did you enjoy the spirituals?
Yes, it was just lovely.
They like to sing.
Good thing, too, helps my business.
It helps them work harder, is that it?
Naturally, there's more profit in a habit, for instance.
Take this case I heard of the other day.
There was this man, a trader, I know, bought a woman with a child, but he didn't have any use for the baby, so he sold it.
Stupid thing to do.
The mother killed herself.
$1,000 wasted through mismanagement.
The baby always belongs with his mother, that's what I say.
That's just awful, isn't it?
What can you do?
A man had a law on his side.
Laws like that should be abolished.
You plan to be a lawyer, boy?
I haven't yet decided on a career.
I do know what I don't want to be, however.
What's that, young fella?
A slave trader, Mr.
George.
A slave trader has to earn his living, just like everybody else.
Aren't there other ways?
That depends.
You're young, you're nice and gentle, so for you, life should be easy and beautiful like yourself.
As his life is ugly.
George, how dare you?
Apologize to him.
I'm sorry, Father, but I will not apologize to him.
George, come back at once.
Certainly, my child.
Go ahead.
Go on away to college.
Might do us some good.
Nice evening.
Well, I won't disturb you any longer.
Master, who made him my master?
What right does he have to own me?
I'm a man just like he is.
Not some kind of a machine, or an animal to be bought and abused and sold.
I'll never be an animal again.
What will you do?
I don't know.
Go to Canada.
There are good people there.
No slaves, only free men.
I'll make lots of dollars.
I'll make thousands and thousands of dollars.
I'll buy you both back.
Yes, you and the baby too.
Gable, how is your hurt?
And it's so cold and the river is frozen.
Don't worry about me.
I'll come back for you.
I'll be all right.
I have to run before Morrison gets after me.
Oh, Mrs.
Shelby wouldn't say anything.
Look what you think they're going to do there.
What y'all hanging around for?
Get to work.
There's a bad man with a scar hang around the place.
That's Mr.
DeGreeves, guesser the master.
That's just it.
Mr.
Shelby's going to sell some of it.
What you talking about?
That fellow Sambo will come with it.
Good morning, Mr.
Shelby.
I'd like to talk to you alone for a minute, Tom.
Yes, sir.
All right, get to work, everybody.
Go on.
That Sambo, Mr.
DeGreeves, started a lot of talk about how you're going to sell some of this, and they've gone half crazy.
I beg of you, Tom, please don't make things any harder for me than they are.
I'd never do that to you, sir.
Ever since we was little boys, we've been looking after one another.
Tom, suppose that this isn't just a rumor, that I've been obliged, that I've sold some of you.
Ben, Ben, I know that it must be hard times for sure.
Why else would you be fixing to sell any of us off the plantation?
I know it lessen your head to you would never do nothing like that.
Where are you going?
I'm getting another shirt.
But Tom, there's no question that you're going.
Why, you're as much a part of the Shelby plantation as I am myself.
All of us is part of the Shelby plantation like one big old family.
Shelby, if you're all going to sell anyone, please, sir.
I want you to sell me.
It's said here in the Bible, no one has greater love than this to lay down his life for a friend.
If you don't want me to do it for you, then I'll do it for Master George.
Don't listen to him, sir.
Don't listen to what he says, please, sir.
Don't let him go away.
Ain't nothing about going in the Bible.
Know what it says there?
Tom, stay where you are.
I don't say one word about that.
Then put it in.
What's the matter, George?
I'm going to horse whiplash green.
He's a guest.
Your father will be disgraced.
He's already disgraced himself.
But I beg you, please, don't start trouble.
Virginia, it's not a question of starting trouble.
But I'm not going to just be idle while something like this has happened to our people.
I will speak to George for a minute.
Will you excuse us, Virginia?
Have we anything left to talk about, sir?
Yes, all the things I've been keeping to myself in order to spare your mother and you.
Does watching our people being sold like a bunch of animals spare our feelings?
I've been doing everything I possibly could to avoid this.
I've borrowed money from all of my friends.
I've sold most of your mother's jewelry.
In heaven's name, what else could I do?
Stop being hypocritical.
How many times have you said you despise slave traders like Simon LaGree?
You're talking of things you're too young to understand.
Too young?
Isn't it odd how that's always the argument when you know that I'm in the right?
George, I'll overlook your lack of respect under the circumstances.
I even understand how you feel.
It affects you just as it does me.
Those are the ones who are affected by it, those people out there.
Come here and look at them.
See what they're doing?
They're lining them all up.
They're being herded like animals.
Unfortunately, he has the right to choose the ones he wants.
And if Uncle Tom is chosen?
I've been talking to Uncle Tom.
He has to be one of the people who...
I'm not the sheriff.
I'm sure it'll serve its purpose.
You're free, Eliza.
I always felt like I was free with you folks, Miss Shelby.
That's not the way they do things in the world outside, though, Eliza.
And don't forget, poor little Harry, this document I gave you is useless.
You have to be very careful.
It belongs to Mr.
LeGree in the eyes of the law.
You could be accused of kidnapping your own child.
I haven't much money.
Here, Eliza.
Here.
I saved every cent of the money you gave me.
I don't need any more.
Come take the money, Eliza.
You're sure to need it before you're through.
Tell old Jim to harness the fastest horses in the stable.
Just leave them at the ferry.
Oh, thank you.
Write me when you found your husband and when you're safe.
And now you'd better hurry up.
Mr.
LeGree is a very dangerous man.
Go on, get in the wagon.
Sit here.
Give me your ankle.
Get in the wagon.
Ah, nine.
Over here.
Where's number ten?
Get in.
Who's that, sir?
The child.
The maid, little boy.
What's her name?
Eliza.
We've been looking for them.
Nobody's seen her or the boy, sir.
Where's the child?
Eliza and the child are both gone.
We've looked over the whole plantation.
Where have they gone?
You could ask Mrs.
Shelby.
Eliza belongs to her.
Yes, it's important.
I don't understand how you can ask me to.
I was under the impression I was dealing with a gentleman.
What do you mean by that, sir?
The child, Harry, has vanished.
The terms of our agreement gave me the right.
He's undoubtedly with his mother.
And where's the mother?
Well, uh...
Someplace in the woods, I should think.
In the woods?
Yes, at least I think that's where she is.
She's gathering mushrooms.
Where is the boy?
That you must ask his mother, I'm afraid.
You help him to escape, of course.
Sir, how dare you address my wife in that total hoist?
You think I'm so easily fooled.
Let me tell you this.
I give you my word of honor, sir.
I have no idea where those two have gone.
I'm not impressed.
What about horses?
Have your horses ready?
We'll be glad to arrange for horses, Mr.
LeGree.
Thank you.
And you want the horses saddled for you right after you finish dinner.
Oh, thanks.
Before dinner.
That man never comes into my house again.
You're the only oldest, slowest ones we have.
Nice, slow ones.
That's the end of the first 20 minutes, by the way.
Oh, boy.
So that long ass clip is a good way to get through that 20 minutes.
Yeah.
You know, and that's a lot of important dialogue.
You know, the son of this guy doesn't really believe in slave trading, but he's financially hard off now, so he has to sell.
His son absolutely is disgusted by the slave trader.
Slave trader has a huge fucking, like, disformity on the side of his face.
So, you know, there you go.
There's everything.
And the slave trader guy is, like, really, really into the one servant lady that's in the house and has been trying to find a way to be able to get her.
The one that's escaped is the one he was into.
With the child, right?
Like, he was trying to get the child so he could manipulate the mom and all that kind of stuff.
Correct.
And I believe he was even the one trying to arrange for the one who ran away because that was supposed to be her man, right?
I thought that was her husband.
Yep, and that would be a way for him to control just about everything.
Probably would have killed the man.
I think that was maybe his excuse.
Like, he was trying to drag him off to his death and just pretending like he was going to buy him.
Because why else wouldn't he take the $2,000 to keep the guy, right?
Yeah, right.
Like, that's money in hand.
Like, I don't care how fucking evil you are.
Like, money's money.
And you...
Well, yeah, and the guy selling him, he was selling him to the slave trader.
And that guy, they're best bros.
So I'm thinking that's also another reason why he was like, oh, I'll just do it this way, I guess.
Yeah.
The story's there.
You're getting the point of what they're trying to do and what they're trying to lay out.
It just feels like the whole reason this is being made is just an excuse to be exploitative about slavery.
Like, it just feels really greasy.
And it doesn't...
It's almost too well put together to be a properly Adamson-directed film.
Like, I wonder if this is another one of their clip shows.
I didn't do enough research because I couldn't be fucking bothered at this point with Adamson stuff.
I either assume that someone else shot this and he chopped the fuck out of it and got it released in the United States, like some of the other things that have shown up in this box set, or he shot it himself.
And usually when he shoots it himself, you can tell because it's even more of a fucking mess.
So my thought is on this case, I'm leaning more towards he did not shoot any of this himself.
This is just them re-chopping it and re-releasing it.
Yeah, I think so.
But still, pretty gross.
Yeah, and it does feel every bit as fucking gross as that Passion Plantation, which was an Italian made slavery film kind of thing to do that kind of shitty exploitative thing that we're complaining about this feeling like it's doing.
I mean, I don't want to be like a complete total magic eight ball on this, but all signs are pointing to yes.
Yeah, all sides are pointing to we're in a lot of trouble for the rest of this fucking movie.
Let's just move on to the next, whatever fucking suffering we're in for.
All right, next 20.
They are chasing that woman and her child, but she's able to cross this river that's all ice.
The guy shoots at her, and the bad guy yells at him to stop.
And he's like, you know, if you shoot, because you'll get charged with murder if you actually kill her because she's not owned by them yet.
So she gets away, and then we cut to a guy whipping a woman, and that is our next clip.
He's gonna go right on hit if you don't talk.
You better tell me where that no good brother of yours is.
Hello, Morrison.
I come to fetch Harris.
You can put him in there.
No, I can't.
He's run away.
You must be joking.
I wish I was.
I got a sister there, though.
I'll beat it out of her where he is.
His sister?
And I had my troubles today with his wife and son.
I might just as well see what the rest of the family looks like.
She's a pretty one.
What's her name?
Cassie.
Pretty name, Cassie.
How'd you like to come with me in place of your brother?
Know how to cook?
Good, I'll take her with me.
You got the best of a deal, Morris, and you're getting off easy.
Well, what's a few dollars between old friends?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Yeah, so they take this woman, and then we cut to a riverboat being loaded up with different stuff, and the bad guys and his new slaves are also brought on board.
Another man, a man with a little girl, she's asking about like why they're in chains, and the guy is explaining that slave owners are typically cruel people.
Then we cut to the bad guy and Cassie, and that is our next clip.
How do you like it here?
Here.
Actually, I bought these things for Lucene.
She's the singer in my hotel, but you're much younger and prettier.
There, choose what you like.
It's all yours.
Take a look in the mirror.
Ah, there's something else.
Want to smell it?
How do you like it?
Smells good, huh?
If you like, I'll make a real lady out of you.
How can you make a real lady out of me?
Leave that to me.
What I say decides who.
You, sit over there where you belong.
This man gave you money for clothes for us.
What did you do?
Drank it?
Mr.
LaGree got all kinds of clothes on the plantation.
Off with all the slaves that died.
Get out.
What is this, a funeral?
What do you think they're all saying about you up there?
If you behave yourselves, you'll be treated well.
And if not, look out.
You understand each other?
Well, answer.
Yes, sir.
All right.
Now, let's hear you sing a song.
Sing whatever you want to.
Sing one of those spirituals.
All right?
Why don't you sing?
Sing, I said.
O Mississippi, Good friends we have been.
O you know my yearning, Burning in my heart.
And you know my sadness When we part.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
Again, it's too well shot, too well put together, and too much emotion packed behind the acting and everything for it to be properly directed by Adamson.
It's just that it's a subject matter that is exploitatively done, and that's the factor of it that is making it really gross and pretty hard to stomach.
Yeah, it's just, it's not fun.
Yeah, there's really no way to handle this kind of subject matter that is not going to make you feel awful, but you could also try to not make it so goddamn sleazy at the same time.
Like, this is the kind of sleaze that I am not down with.
Agreed.
Yeah, this is, I'm not down with this kind of sleaze.
Alright, anyway, the little girl hears the singing, and she goes to check it out, and that is our next clip.
Why must you wear these?
So we don't run away.
Well, I think it's awful.
Oh, that's how things is, child.
You better go now before you get some trouble for coming down here.
Will you let me visit you again?
If your mother says you can.
Oh, she's at home, but my father lets me do anything.
Does he?
Oh, I'm glad you came, father.
Please break off this chain.
I can't do that, dear.
I'm not their owner.
Who is?
Trust my Lord, then Mr.
Le Gris.
Well, I'll talk with the Lord, and my father will speak to Mr.
Le Gris.
My name's Evangeline, but they all call me Eva.
And I'm Thomas, but they call me Uncle Tom.
You must call me Uncle Tom, too.
Alright, Uncle Tom.
I'm going, but I'll see you again tomorrow.
Good day.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you own those people downstairs?
Uh-huh, I own them, yes.
I must eat alone.
I prefer to eat alone.
It gives me time to...
I must ask you to forgive her for disturbing you, sir, but...
Not at all.
It was a great pleasure to make your daughter's acquaintance, Mr.
St.
Clair.
You know my name?
Yes.
We're practically neighbors.
I own a plantation down on the bottom.
And then some time ago, I bought the tavern, so I know most of the townspeople by sight, at least.
If there's any way that I can be of any service...
I don't think there's any likelihood of the occasion arising for us to do business together.
But, Father, you could do business with them.
You can buy all those slaves and take off their chains.
Sorry, dear.
You see, I can't buy all the slaves in the world, even for you.
But at least buy Uncle Tom.
Excuse us.
Brought this fruit for you.
Here.
Tomorrow I'll eat with you in the cabin.
Looks like the fine, respectable people on board this boat don't exactly approve of me.
You know why they don't?
Because of you.
Did you hear what I said?
Did you understand me?
Answer me when I'm talking to you!
Folks, you don't like you, and it's my fault.
That's better.
How come you didn't put these on?
Aren't they good enough for you?
Or are they too good?
Take off those rags.
Cassie, take that thing off.
Who was I telling you?
So she removes their clothes while he drinks.
It's goddamn gross, and that's the end of that 20 minutes.
Yeah.
It's really gross.
This slave master guy is the absolute worst.
Yeah.
This is not fun.
Nope.
This is gonna be one of those rough ones, folks.
Nothing's gonna be good about this.
There's no good times to be had.
Yeah.
All there are are just racial slurs and clips for me to catch and rip out.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I told you.
A lot of M-bombs.
A lot of M-bombs in this.
We gotta move on.
Let's go.
Next 20.
The little girl is listening to Uncle Tom singing again, and that is our next clip.
Didn't you like our song this morning?
No, because this time it's a goodbye song.
I think of you when I sing that song as either, and when I do, you'll feel it.
And then our thoughts will be together again.
Uh-huh, but I'd like to keep you with me all the time.
And then maybe you could be happy again, Uncle Tom.
I felt very happy while we was on the river.
In the morning, when it's time to get off, Mr.
LaGrie will put you all back in chains again, and that makes me even sadder.
Why aren't you eating?
Your friends won't starve.
That would be foolish.
You can't get any work out of them if they're not fed.
Ah, well, young lady, what brings you here?
Is this Mrs.
LaGrie?
Well, I suppose she is.
What then?
Then I would like something from her.
Please, would you give me Uncle Tom as a present?
Ah, Uncle Tom.
Can I have him there?
A present?
No, I'm afraid not.
Can I buy him from you?
You couldn't pay what Uncle Tom is worth.
Why don't you?
You know he's a very old man.
He won't be much good on the plantation.
You don't know what you're talking about.
He may be old, but he's strong as an ox.
Uncle Tom isn't an ox.
Man overboard.
Napoleon.
No, he jumped.
All right, so the man is swimming to the shore.
They're shooting at him, but he gets away with an injury to his leg.
As he keeps running, but he passes out from his leg wound.
A woman in a carriage rolls up and sees him.
She helps him and mends him back to health, and we have a little montage of that.
They start falling for each other possibly.
And then we cut back to the bad guy and the lady, they go into a bar, and everyone's just kind of like staring at him.
And he's like, come on, you know, he wants a beer and get the lady whatever she wants to drink.
And she's like, you know, I want this dress you promised me.
So he gives her money.
He's pretty much been turned into a husband.
Kind of, yeah.
Really, he's giving her money.
And I mean, don't get me wrong, he's not exactly next to her, but he's also doing whatever she asks.
So I think he's in love with her.
Something like that.
His version of love, probably.
Also, he could bust her.
And so then she gets to the store to get her dress.
And that's our next clip.
Where is she?
Cassie, you're here.
Uh-huh.
I came as soon as I could.
Were you worried?
Uh-huh.
Not so mostly.
I have good news for you.
Harrison, where is he coming?
He is?
Eliza, he's free, and Mr.
Wilson has paid him for that invention.
Harris knows, then, about you taking his place and being here?
Yes, he does.
Now, you can't stay here.
Where else is this?
Somewhere that Simon Legree would never dream that you were hiding, with him in the same house.
He'll never look for you there, that's for sure.
All right?
And I'll come back in a couple of days to get you.
Everything's gonna be all right now, Eliza.
You'll see.
Uh-huh.
Well, it happened about two years ago.
Poor Jeff got caught in one of them freak lightning storms.
I wouldn't believe he was dead at first.
Then after a while, I just felt nothing.
So I took this job teaching, and I've been living in this big house all alone ever since.
What about you?
Where'd you get the name Napoleon?
I'll bet I know.
Your mom wanted you to be important someday, so she named you after a famous general.
A man as big and strong as you will get to be important someday.
I know.
Especially reading and writing the way your friend Tom taught you.
Well, it's getting better now.
I gotta be going.
They're gonna be looking everywhere for me.
You can stay.
They won't look here.
Simon Legree's men were in town the other day, and I heard one of them say you must have gone north.
They won't find you here.
I'm a slave.
I belong to Legree.
I don't know why you're taking these chances, but I don't want anything to happen to you, not on account of me.
But I don't want you to go.
You're the first good thing that's happened to me in an awful long time.
With you here, I find myself smiling, listening for the birds, watching the flowers, becoming aware of all the beauty in life and so that ugly, dreary existence I had.
Please stay.
Tell me you feel something for me, too.
My name is Melissa.
Say it.
Melissa.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
Melissa, you're a kind person.
I got feelings for you I never had before.
But they's wrong.
You're white and I'm black, and they won't let us have these feelings.
It don't matter none what we want.
Why can't they leave people be?
It isn't fair.
Everyone should be equal.
There shouldn't be this color barrier.
Why won't they let us live in peace?
Napoleon, I need you.
I need you to hold me, to need me, to love me.
I don't care about anyone else.
Oh man, this is fucking rough.
Yeah, and they get after it after that, and that's the end of that 20 minutes.
Their sex is consensual, and they're actually into each other, so I'm gonna say this is a thank you movie, and this is the only thank you movie, and therefore their sex is the afternoon delight that the song was about earlier in the show.
That's all we can do.
Yeah, the afternoon delight that we're having here is literally the only sexual contact in this film that I think we can say thank you movie for.
Yeah, yeah, it definitely is.
Yeah, yeah, fuck, this was this is rough, man.
This is a rough film.
Yeah, yeah, it's, um, oh, let's just buzz through it and let's just get it over with.
Yeah.
Well, she wakes up and he's not in bed, but she finds him awake.
And that is our next clip.
Are you all right?
I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you.
I had a beautiful dream.
We were in Paris and everybody accepted us with no color barrier.
We were so happy and peaceful, no one to bother us.
Maybe it could happen.
Maybe Napoleon tell me it could happen.
I'm so scared.
Dear Miss Melissa, sometimes I don't say things too well, but I will try.
I guess I love you cause I don't know.
I never loved anyone before, except my mom and pa.
You are the nicest person I have ever known.
Maybe someday your dream will come true.
I hope so, but right now I can only bring you trouble, and I don't ever want to hurt you.
I hope you will find happiness and that you will think of me always.
I know I will never forget you.
All right, then he's running away and he's found by the three slavers that are the really assholes.
They knock him out and then they rape him.
Yeah, what the fuck, movie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then they tie him up and they're gonna make an example out of him and they tar him.
Yeah, what the fuck, movie?
Fuck you, movie.
That goes on for way too goddamn long, too.
They really, really grind out the exploitative element of that.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so Cassie has the woman and her baby hidden at the bad guy's place.
We cut to the bad guy getting all the new slaves to his home and he pretty much tells him how none of them can escape and blah, you know, just more dickish behavior.
Then we cut to a monastery and that is our next clip.
Was LeGree there?
No.
Did you see my wife and child?
No, only your sister.
Have you told her about the ship we've chartered?
It won't be able to wait for her.
She knows, yes.
And she knows I'll pay any price this brute asks for her.
I don't think money will induce Mr.
LeGree to give up your sister.
If I know Mr.
LeGree, he will, all right.
I've been waiting for you.
He says he saw you with someone.
Who was it?
He says he saw him come in, but he didn't leave.
He's lying.
Here, you're lying.
Get out of here.
Give me a hand.
Where'd you hide him?
You here?
In my house?
Answer me.
Oh, my arm, you're breaking it.
Break your neck if you don't answer.
Up there.
Where's he?
Up in the barn in the attic.
The bad guy goes looking through the barn, and he falls through a weakened plank, and he's really high up, and he almost falls, but he's able to save himself.
You kind of get the idea that she set this up, like she knew that that was a bad spot that he could possibly fall.
She did, because she went in there to check it out.
And so he knows that as well, so he sends that woman out to the fields to work for trying to kill him.
So then we cut to slaves working the cotton fields, and the bad guy asks the lady if she wants to come back.
Well, she spits at him and then walks away.
Well, he sends in a horse carriage to run her down.
Uncle Tom takes the hit to save her, and that's the end of that 20 minutes before we go into the final 20.
You see how quickly we move through this because it's long, but it's not a lot.
No, it's all very straightforward, and it really takes its time, and it really grinds everything to a halt.
And yeah, and it's going to be a little bit longer for our review because I cut out that seven minute fucking clip because I didn't want to sit through here and listen to it like for what's going to be the fourth time.
Because I still have to edit it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it's going to be not fun for me.
So yeah, and honestly, I don't really care if we move through this all that quick or not, because we're telling the tale straightforward as like it is, and we can always pad out the episode in a different way if we have to.
So, I mean, and again, except for like a few parts, like the love story thing that they tried to squeeze in before the horrific torture and mutilation of the young man whenever they catch him and rape him and all of that shit.
Like everything else has pretty much played very straightforward and is again, a little too much quality for Al Adamson.
But that love story thing feels shoehorned in and like really does kind of feel like Adamson because it's really corny.
And that's kind of the line.
It's all I really have to add.
Everything else is just abysmal and really miserable to try and sit through.
And the fact that it's still like it's well-made, but it's still not that great.
And it's clearly just trying to be exploitative and make you feel awful.
I mean, mission accomplished movie and also fuck off.
Yeah, well done movie, but also go fuck yourselves.
This is not my flavor of exploitation.
I'm just not down with it.
And let's just go.
We can just get through.
Let's just get it over with.
Exactly.
All right, the final 20.
Well, we cut to Uncle Tom and Cassie, and that is our next clip.
The saying is, God helps those who helps themselves.
Only one thing wrong, that's the saying for white people.
Listen to me.
God sees black and white the same.
He will help you.
You must run away.
Yeah?
Mr.
LeGree?
Yeah, I'm LeGree, but who are you?
You don't remember me?
I'm sorry, no.
I owe you some money, Mr.
LeGree.
Come in, excuses.
What debt?
It concerns my sister Cassie.
You took her from Mr.
Morrison in my place, and my little son, Harold, who you forced Mr.
Shelby to sell to you.
You changed a bit since then.
Nobody'd recognize you.
What do you want?
I invented a machine that does in one day what 1,000 slaves do in a week, and it does it much better.
And I brought my freedom from Mr.
Morrison.
Mr.
Wilson paid me a lot for my invention.
I'm rich, as well as free now, Mr.
LeGree.
Very interesting.
Then you're free to get out of here, go on.
Name the price for my child and my sister.
I haven't got the boy, and Cassie's not for sale.
If you haven't got the child, so much the better.
I'll pay whatever you ask for him anyway, and for Cassie.
He wants to stay with me.
I'll not give her up.
You don't even believe that yourself, LeGree.
Mr.
LeGree Harris, now I'm busy, get out.
Now you listen to me, Mr.
LeGree, if I don't get...
I'm sure we can discuss this matter without violence.
I'm willing to be reasonable about this, and I need more cash right now.
We can talk this thing over like gentlemen should.
Ugh, gross.
Yeah, then he rushes out and has the man kicked out.
Then a bar fighter ups, because they start arguing about how to treat slaves and how to just treat black people.
And then the bad guy finds out all his slaves have ran, so now we have a big chase.
Then the two women, they try to get Uncle Tom, but he tells them that he's dying, so that's just not going to happen.
You know, just don't worry about it.
Me, we see the slaves destroy a levy and it starts flooding.
Then they get to, they all get to the monastery, and they, but the women haven't got there, and they all might have to leave without the man's family.
But the, and the ladies, they get spotted heading to that monastery.
They get there and there's going to be a fight.
They're getting surrounded.
There's a lot of people defending the monastery as well as trying to attack it.
Cassie right away is shot and killed, and you could see the, the kind of the head bad guy was a little shocked that one of his men shot her and was not very happy about it.
So a shootout starts, and the bad guys are throwing torches, more shooting.
One of the monks then goes out with a white flag, and that is our next clip.
I have a message.
I have a message for the planters.
Give the slaves back to us.
And your cotton?
Your beautiful cotton, my son.
Are you aware that they opened the levees as they ran?
You really ought to see to your fields.
And you really ought not to lie.
Agree.
They're driving our cotton fields.
The Zeus gate's open.
We're coming back later.
Let's go to the field.
We'll still be here.
Then we cut back to those three other assholes who were like the worst of the worst, who do all the raping, and they're going to look for the escaped slaves.
The bad guy gets back and finds his plantation on fire.
Then they find Uncle Tom, and that is our next clip.
You, damn you, you were their leader, the one who caused me all this trouble.
Leave him alone, Legree.
How much do you want for them, LeGrie?
Dead niggas cost nothing.
I love him.
Uncle Tom.
Uncle Tom.
Thank you for coming, Master George.
All right, well, the three assholes, they're riding down the road, and they get jumped by the same escaped slaves that they had at the very beginning of the movie.
They get jumped by them, including the one whose daughter was raped.
And then this all leads to our final clip.
Now y'all gonna get a taste to black justice.
You've been making slaves out of us.
You've been hunting us down.
You've been raping our women.
You've been taking our respect.
May God damn you to hell for what you did to my daughter.
They cut off the guy's dick, you know, so good.
Finally, fucking movie.
Yeah, now that's the kind of exploitation that I wanna see.
A racist, rapist piece of shit's dick getting chopped off.
Yep, and then they hang all three men.
So, you know, fuck you.
And they ride off, and then we see all the rest of the slaves escape from the monastery and roll credits.
Yeah, we got a little taste of sort of what could be considered like a slave revolt.
I love where they all ran away, I love how they all escape.
The fact that the guy has to go back and worry about his fields and actually take care of his fields by himself, that's a neat little thing.
That's gonna be great.
Yeah, and that's a neat thing that the monks did.
And his home's burning down.
Right, and the monks did that as just a way to give these people some more time to escape and get further away, which is the right thing to do.
It ends on the right kind of note, even though it's a little bit of a dour ending, because some of the characters like Cassie gets killed and Uncle Tom dies trying to save Cassie, but Cassie dies anyway, and Jesus fucking Christ.
You know, it's a bummer.
Yeah, it definitely is a bummer for real.
Yeah, there's not really any fun things to talk about other than it was nice to see that the cruelty got at least revisited on those guys in some way, shape or form.
I would have liked to have seen them suffer a lot more and a lot longer than what we did.
Yeah, I would actually like to see the dick cut off, you know?
That would have totally been a clip in the old days.
Yeah, yeah, the old days, that's a clip.
That is totally a clip in the old days.
But yeah, it's, you know, this...
Fuck, man.
If you really want to watch something that's about the horror of slavery, like watch something that deals with it, that's a lot more serious than this.
Watch 12 Years a Slave.
Yeah, or Roots, if you want to go back that far.
Something that's probably, it's probably done respectfully, you know?
At least somewhat respectfully.
Like, you don't go to Al Adamson for anything being done properly or respectfully ever.
And Al Adamson is not the guy that I want to be dealing with this kind of subject matter.
Yeah, not me either.
This is not for me, is what I'm saying.
Yeah, this is not the way I want to learn about slavery in the South in the days preceding the Civil War.
Yeah, this is not a subject with which I want Al Adamson creating a thesis of any sort.
Yeah, right.
No, thank you.
My favorite part of the movies when they discuss how Lincoln's coming back, or Lincoln just won the election, and he's going to free the slaves that are all pissy.
So we're coming, this is right before the Civil War.
Yeah, yeah.
It makes me kind of want to actually read Uncle Tom's Cabin, so I can realize just how badly this may have been done.
But at the same time, like, I'm not really ready to go back and visit this subject matter.
I'm just kind of...
No, not for a while.
I need a little bit of a break from the horse shit people were put through.
Yeah, this was just plain awful to try and endure, and I'm glad we made it through.
Yes.
We're close enough to an hour.
Let's go ahead and squeeze in the story time from you here.
Oh, fucking great.
Yeah, what do I got?
I don't know, but I'm going to try my best to cheer you up, because up next on the Pirate Radio Edit and playing under us currently is Abba with the song Fernando on the Pirate Radio Edit.
Alright, so Abba, did it help cheer you up at all?
I mean, I guess.
Did it help cheer you up enough that you can give us a storytime?
Ah, fuck, storytime.
Oh, man, it's a rough one to try and come up with a story after all that shit, right?
Yeah, I know, I'm trying to think the hell.
I'll tell you the story about the hottest thing I ever ate.
Okay.
It's nothing to do with movie, but I don't have any storytime that has anything to do with that fucking movie.
So last year, we have a thing here in our city called the College World Series.
And I went down there with some friends, and we're all having a good time.
And I ran past one of the food vendors there, they did Philly cheesesteaks, and they look great.
And they had one that was called Inferno, and I'm sure they just add a little hot sauce to it, put jalapenos on it, and use pepper jack cheese.
That's what a lot of people do.
So I go to order it, and they go, oh, this is pretty hot.
And I'm like, I'm sure, okay.
It's like, I enjoy really spicy foods.
So I'm like, yeah, I'm sure you think it's hot.
They go, all right, they gave it to me.
I head back to the table with my friends, and some other people were there, who we just kind of met on the fly down there.
They were in town from one of the colleges that was playing.
And I took my first bite of it, and it was fine.
It is spicy.
My second bite is when things started to kick into gear.
My stomach started gurgling.
I started to sweat.
I don't know what sauce they used, but it was the hottest thing I ever had, and now it's seeping into the bread.
Every bite was excruciating pain.
My tears, because I was now crying, my tears burnt my cheeks.
My tears were hot.
That's how spicy this fucking thing was.
Finally, I make some of the other people at the table try it, and they, I mean, oh God, and they couldn't stand it.
And then we had to go to the beer tent, I almost, I think I downed like six beers one right after the other, and I still, it was a day later, and I still, my mouth was numb.
So I have no idea what they put in that thing.
That was the spiciest thing I ever ate.
I finished it, but oh my God.
So was it like a-
I almost food truck that did this?
Yeah, yeah.
And they basically served you like mace.
Yeah, that's kind of what it felt like.
I felt like I ate, yeah, pepper spray, because it burned.
And every bathroom activity after that burned for 48 hours.
Oh boy.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh wow.
48 hours of everything burning, Kort.
Burning.
All right, so the spiciest thing that I've ever eaten was a type of hot sauce that my friend's dad bought, because he loves hot sauce, right?
Yeah.
And I think he bought this hot sauce for the novelty of it, right?
Essentially, it was called ass in the tub.
Oh, yep, that'll do it.
Yeah, have you heard of that hot sauce before?
Are you familiar with it?
I've never heard of it, but I can already tell you that's a hot sauce.
Right, and the cover is a guy sitting in a tub, like a basin tub with steam coming off of it and looking like he's trying to get some relief.
And the bottle had a thing on there where it said, no, we're serious.
It burns going in, and it burns just as bad coming out, and you're gonna need something for relief for that.
This hot sauce is that hot.
And I'm thinking to myself, okay, well, with my friend whose dad purchased this stuff, it was already open, his dad already tried it, and his dad said it was extremely hot.
And I'm thinking to myself, well, how horrible is this?
Should I try it or not, right?
And of course, you have to try it.
That's what friends do when things are shitty.
You always look to your friend and go, you gotta try this.
And I did, and it burned a fucking hole in my tongue.
I tried just a little drop of it just to see how hot it was, and it felt like I burned a hole in my tongue, like battery acid burn on my tongue.
It was just the worst.
I almost threw up, and I just had a little drop of it.
That reminds me of one time I, or it was like beginning of football season, I smoked a ton of wings for myself, and I grabbed a hot sauce from the store, and I just didn't even read the label.
I just saw wing sauce, and I was just kind of in a hurry.
And I tossed everything in there, and it smelt spicy, but I was like, okay, I good, I got a spicy sauce.
Took my first bite, and I almost killed my, it was just, I was sweaty by the time I was done eating, drenched in sweat.
And I looked at the bottle, it was a ghost pepper sauce.
Oh, Jesus.
With ghost pepper extract in it, oh, oh.
I read labels more carefully now.
So there was a time that Bev and I went to a restaurant, and it was like pre-pandemic.
We went to this restaurant prior to going to the movies, like across the street in Midtown, right?
I can't remember the name of the theater, I can't remember the name of the restaurant, but the theater, it was like the one that was there before Alamo in Midtown, before that one got shut down too.
Anyway, we ordered the mango habanero wings because we had had my mango habanero wings elsewhere, and they weren't really that big of a deal, right?
This place, however, the habanero juice was the main thing that was the base for the sauce, and then they thickened it with mango to give it that tang, right?
And so when we tried that, we were eating these wings, they were so hot, they burned our lips, they made our tongues numb, and we couldn't enjoy our meal that came after the mango habanero wings at this restaurant.
We ended up having to just like essentially take them home, like take our meals home and heat them up again later when we got our taste buds back because it burned our taste buds off.
Oh yeah, that'll happen.
And it was just habanero, but still it was the way that they prepared it in some way, shape or form or however it was done.
It burned our taste buds off for a couple of hours and it made our faces burn for a while.
My favorite place to get wings here in Omaha, they do a honey peach habanero wing sauce and it comes out to you and it looks like applesauce on it.
And there's a sweet texture right up front, but then that heat hits and it hits so hard.
And I rarely get them.
If I'm feeling real froggy, I'll get them, but I rarely get those things.
Yeah, I can't-
Cause I know I'm gonna suffer for like 24 hours, but I'm gonna enjoy this, then for 24 hours I'm dead.
I used to have a pretty fucking copper stomach that I could handle just about anything, but like too spicy stuff nowadays, like too hot of a hot sauce.
And I do, I suffer way too long for it.
It's not cool and I don't like it, man.
I don't like it one bit.
No, sir, I don't like it.
Story time of us suffering through-
Hot foods.
Yeah, way more entertaining and fun to talk about than this fucking movie, Jesus Fucking Christ.
No shit.
I'm gonna pull the chain on it now.
We're gonna play the show Housekeeping, and then immediately following that, continuing with the 1976 theme for the pirate radio edit, we're gonna have Aerosmith with Back in the Saddle right after this.
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Thanks for listening to the show.
I still can't believe that you're subscribed to us or here every week just like us.
So did Aerosmith help bring you up, or are you still just as dumb as you are watching this?
Yeah, yeah, it was nice.
Yeah, even though it's like the Crypt Keeper now, but you know, hey, whatever.
You think Steven Tyler looks like the Crypt Keeper now?
I definitely think he looks like the Crypt Keeper right now.
I haven't seen him in long enough of a time or gave enough of a fuck about his appearance.
I just always have just listened to the music, or I didn't, you know what I mean?
Like, it's either been on or it's not.
Yeah, no, that I get, but I'm just saying.
Well, while you're out there upset at Matt for judging someone based solely upon their appearance, kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch, while you enjoy Steve Miller Band with Fly Like an Eagle on the pirate ship.
Hey dude, what's up?
Hold on one sec.
Sure.
That doesn't sound right.
Yeah, now you sound good.
Okay, there we go.
Yeah, now you sound good.
Yeah, you were kind of out of my phone for some fucking reason.
We gotta find a better solution than just plugging that into your damn phone if it keeps acting up like that.
Right?
But as of right now, we're good to go.
All right, you hear this?
Look at this, odd time too, Jesus, look at us.
Yeah, you hear this?
Actually kind of early for us, really.
I know, we really are.
All right, well, let's not lose this momentum.
You're up first as always.
So let me start the recording on the cloud.
Recording in progress.
There we go.
And we are ready to rock and roll.
Give me a couple of minutes here to finish my Quest Peanut Butter Cup and take a couple of talks while I play this theme song.
Yes, I know, I ate as well, so.
This thing's like seven fucking minutes, man.
It was 11 minutes of springtime before I cut it down.
Yeah, it's the longest clip I got.
I don't want to listen to all of this.
Let's skip to the end on this one here.
Okay, so this is where the wife with the child escapes, and then.
The woman and her child, yes, escape.
Oh man, my dad called me in the middle of that.
Your dad called you in the middle of that?
Yeah, while that song was playing, my dad just called me, if you can believe that.
Well, while you're out there upset at Matt for judging someone based solely upon their appearance, kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch while you enjoy Steve Miller Band with Fly Like an Eagle on the pirate radio edit.
All right, there, Fly Like an Eagle, yay.
Fly like an eagle, you see.
All right, well, I need to end you doing that, so I'm going to just end this.
Recording stopped.
The recording stopped.