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Jeff and Kim White run the 411 House, a project of Bridge East Temple Foundation in Temple, TX. The 411 House exists to empower youth in East Temple through relationships and experiences. Homes are the places we feel a sense of belonging. Jeff and Kim White share practical ways to create a sense of belonging in your mentor relationship.
Show Notes
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WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
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SHOW NOTES
Jeff and Kim White run the 411 House, a project of Bridge East Temple Foundation in Temple, TX. The 411 House exists to empower youth in East Temple through relationships and experiences.
- Follow the 411 House on Facebook
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Alright. Hey. How's everyone doing today? This is Zach Garza with the Podcast Voice, and we're sitting here with Jeff and Kim White. Say hello, folks.
Speaker 3:Hello, folks. Hi.
Speaker 2:And they are with the 411 house. We are sitting in their living room in Temple, Texas. Came all the way down to Temple today to have a conversation with these folks and just to, and just to learn how to become better mentors.
Speaker 4:Yeah. To go global, we have to go mobile.
Speaker 5:So that's
Speaker 4:why we visited you guys. Like that. Take
Speaker 2:it easy, sir.
Speaker 4:We're really glad to be in Temple, Texas today with y'all. Yes.
Speaker 3:We're glad y'all made the drive.
Speaker 2:I just wanna tell everyone that there's this spot where we just grab lunch called Bird Creek Burgers, and Steven got a chorizo Oh, chile burger.
Speaker 4:And, Chorizo con queso. I don't know who designed that, but they need an award. So,
Speaker 2:I just want y'all to know that he is filled with fire right now.
Speaker 4:Yes. Fire from
Speaker 2:the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 5:To go
Speaker 4:to the bathroom, eventually. Can't talk about that.
Speaker 2:I was going more like fire from
Speaker 4:the Holy Spirit. Oh, okay.
Speaker 2:You apparently were going a different direction. Alright. Well, now that we got the poop joke out of the
Speaker 5:way,
Speaker 2:Steven, start us off.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So, Jeff, Kim, so glad to be in the 4 one one house right now. I think that's actually a joy that this is where mentoring happens for you guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:But would love to hear the story. How did we get to here? Can you tell us the story of the 4 one one house, paint a picture for our listeners?
Speaker 3:For sure. It started the 4 one one house didn't start, but, like, I started journey started about 7 or 8 years ago when I was involved, mentoring a teen mom from Temple High School. And we had our girls are the same age. So, like, her daughter was 18 months and my daughter was too, and we would just hang out and have play dates and stuff at the apartment complex that she lived at. And just every so often as we would do that, more and more families and kids would come out and, you know, we kinda started to get to know some of them as well and just we're like, this is so fun and such an easy way to, you know, get to know this community some more.
Speaker 3:And so we started every Thursday having pizza and Caprisons at the park, just and the park is just right in the middle of the apartment complex. So the kids would get off the bus, and they knew on Thursdays that we would be there along with some other people, which was really I mean, all we were doing was building relationships, you know, through throwing the football or, you know, kids would pull out their homework on the picnic bench and, you know, we would help them with that. And so it was very just casual and natural and organic.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so there was a core group of kids that we really got to know from that apartment complex and really did life with for a long time. And then they all kinda scattered. And so, and then for other reasons, like, you know, the Thursday evenings just kinda fizzled out, but we knew that we wanted to do something more. And I I really now see that time as us, like, just getting to know this community and being in this community and getting to know the families and not assuming things about this community that we thought we knew. And so that was a really, I mean, good time for us to learn.
Speaker 3:But one of the things that we did see were a lot of our boys just taking a different path and, you know, it's it's not there's not a formula or anything, but there would be a couple boys and it was like, 8th grade. And for whatever reason, there would just be, you know, I think probably puberty and other things, but there would just be this turn. And not all of them, definitely not all of them, but there were some that that we watched go through that. And that was so hard for us because we genuinely knew these kids and loved these kids and we knew that that's not who they were. Like, yeah, there are things now written down about them that they've done, but, like, that's not who they are.
Speaker 3:And so just watching that and kind of knowing what potentially that was setting them up for in the future, we, you know, just we wanted something here in the community because we knew transportation was gonna be hard. We, you know, we tried to think about all the barriers to kids getting places, and we knew that this was an area that most of them could get to anyway because the rec center. So we, bought this house that was, I mean, holes in the ceiling, holes in the floor, just, you know, basically a foreclosure. And shortly after that, we got a grant from Chip and Joanna Gaines to fix it up. I know.
Speaker 3:I mean
Speaker 5:To it,
Speaker 2:like like, it's almost like this is a fixer upper.
Speaker 3:It is. I know. I know. Yeah. So that was just crazy, you know, and and we were talking earlier just about how you you kind of have a vision of what something's gonna be and you're like, oh, it's just gonna be this little thing where people can hang out and then it kind of becomes more of a thing.
Speaker 3:So so renovated the whole house, the community pitched in and donated, I mean, pretty much everything you see here. So that is how we got started, and we really just opened our doors officially in April. So That's
Speaker 4:awesome. I love it.
Speaker 2:So Kim, so first off, you taking your daughter to a park in East Temple, I would venture to say that that's not the norm. Right?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:So one, explain to us what East Temple is like and then how that differs from where the other parts of the city of Temple and what stirred your heart to kind of be intentional about building building relationships in that part of the city.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So East Temple is, just the lower income part of the city. And, I guess I got used to at first with mentoring page that, you know, at first it's always that first, like, pulling up to the house and it's like, do I go in? Do I whatever. You know, I obviously stand out here a little bit and just not, you know, kinda navigating some of that.
Speaker 3:But it was like as I, you know, met her and met her mom and met other people in the community, I was like, we're all the same. Like, there's not I mean, I don't know why there's this fear. And so going to the apartment complex, I don't know. It just like, they became people that I knew and so I wasn't fearful, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Can you kinda go into detail about what are maybe some of the common fears? What are some of the common fears that the enemy might speak to us that might prohibit us from entering into the lives of people who are just like us?
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, I think just the fear of safety and the fear of rejection, you know, I think I think that's one of all of our biggest fears at the core. And so I think being in a place where you don't necessarily feel like you fully belong, there's that fear there that that you're not gonna belong or that you're gonna be rejected. Yeah. I mean, I think people fear that there's more crime and there's more drugs and all of that, and I don't I can't speak to, like, statistics, but I would say that it's all pretty much very similar what what happens in all different places.
Speaker 3:It just looks different. Mhmm. And no either way, the the core of our sinful hearts is all the same. So it might surface differently with this group than it does with this group, but, like, the core sin or fear or whatever is it's the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, Jeff, so your wife comes home and you find out that she's building relationships in this apartment complex with a baby. Tell me, like, what's going on in your head? Like, tell me
Speaker 4:She became best friends with a baby.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Just, like, tell me what you're thinking.
Speaker 6:Yeah. I think I mean, y'all hit on a good point of the the fear of safety, especially as, you know, I'm out at my job all day, and I'm getting text from my wife of, hey. I'm headed over to East Simple, with with my toddler. And, you watch the news. You you hear, like, just the community talk.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 6:And you think this is not safe. This is not, a great atmosphere that I want my the 2 people that I'm charged to protect to be put into. So I said, okay. Maybe I can come along. And so Kim started this.
Speaker 6:We started meeting Thursday afternoons, and, I had a a job that was, somewhat flexible with time so I could come over here and see it for myself. I think that was that was really the turning point for me is when you see people as people, the the fear goes away. But when you just see people as, something distant, something that's not connected to you, and it's easy to be afraid of that. Right? But when you connect yourself and you get involved and you meet people in in a different community, in our case, in in East Temple, it became clear that it's not the safest area, but I don't think that they were I guess my fears were were quelched in the fact that I they weren't in constant risk of being killed or kidnapped or whatever it may be that, you know, goes inside of, a paranoid guy's head like me.
Speaker 6:But that that was that was taken away. I mean, like, just building those relationships, seeing it for myself. I think Kim made a good point earlier of how, the Lord used that
Speaker 5:time to bring us in and kinda relieve our or put
Speaker 6:aside our preconceived bring us in and kinda relieve our or put aside our preconceived notions and see the community for what it is, see the people for who they are, and, eventually, organically find the needs that the community may have. It's easy to go in when and say, here's what I wanna do, here's what I think needs to be done, and I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna fix stuff. But the way the Lord worked for us is it was a slow build, a very slow burn. It it it was a clear display of just things that we felt like we could we could add, not fix, but just add.
Speaker 2:What were some of those needs that you believe that those kids had? And then what are some of the barriers that were keeping them from getting those needs met?
Speaker 3:You know, honestly, for a while, I think it was hard to really figure that out, you know, and I think we probably had it wrong in a lot of ways and I mean, I'm sure we still do. For me, I saw a lot of like educational needs and just access, like accessibility to things. You know, whether it's the grocery store, you know, there's not the grocery store within Walking D'Sands over here and
Speaker 5:I
Speaker 3:think I had preconceived notions also about what the needs were. And so not every one of our kids is like not knowing where their next meal is gonna come from. Some of them, that is the case. Not every kid whose mom doesn't show up for the school performance doesn't care about them. You know, they might be working, they might be elsewhere.
Speaker 3:So I just think it was a long process of of kind of figuring that out. And it's still kind of I mean, every kid is different, every kid has different needs, but I think kind of what we went back to was really just and, you know, my background's counseling, so it's kinda how I think, but was the whole, like, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you know, and just that's pretty much why we decided to like, we pretty much feed kids every time we're with them because, we think it's a great, you know, relationship builder and some kids, like, are genuinely hungry. But we try to do it in a way that's loving and, you know, not like you're walking through a soup kitchen or something. You know, we're,
Speaker 6:It's not a handout. It's communal.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. It's communal. So we pretty much try to incorporate food any ways that we can, and then building that up to I just I think that so many of us overlook the safety and the, like, comfort aspect of kids' needs. And that that was one thing that, like, we have been super passionate about in starting all of this and it's something that I don't think most people when we talk about it, like, don't really understand, but I just we didn't wanna start a program that was like just a program, but we wanted to make sure that the
Speaker 5:kids knew that they belonged here and were safe here. And just,
Speaker 3:you know, the research here and were safe here. And just, you know, the research and stuff on kids that come from trauma and just their needs, like, we just saw that part as foundational. And so even now, I mean, we we are incorporating, you know, learning opportunities and things like that, but it's it's still mostly making sure that they feel comfortable and safe here.
Speaker 6:For me, yeah. There was definitely that aspect of it. But I think as we started really being involved in the lives of the families, for me, I saw just a a lack of I mean, I don't know how else to say it, but, like, male I wanna say leadership of I mean, role models. Because there were a lot of there was like Kim kinda said earlier, there were some kids that have these dads that are fantastic. There's amazing guys.
Speaker 6:And, but some of them don't. And some of them have dads that aren't that great. And, you know, some of them don't have dads at all. But I've always I've seen this as just a void, and an adolescent boy is wanting an older man to come along and say that you're good. We we believe in you.
Speaker 6:And that's just that's a void that every boy has in his heart. You know? I was lucky. I had a I had a dad that told me that, but that doesn't always happen. So for me, that's what I saw, and that's that's when these relationships started building.
Speaker 6:I saw these these kids that were screaming for that. And I wanted a place where they could get it. They they had guys consistently showing up and saying, I love you. Yeah. You made you made a bad decision today, but I still love you through that.
Speaker 2:Like, you might have made a bad decision today, but that doesn't mean that you're bad. Mhmm.
Speaker 6:Amen.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 6:Amen. I've made so many bad decisions in my life. And my dad would tell me I'm an idiot for doing it, but he would still love me. And he would still say I'm he's proud of me. And that's just that's a need.
Speaker 2:As y'all speak about a safe environment where these kids can really feel comfortable and feel at home. I mean, guys, like, this house really is amazing. Like, check the show notes for some pictures because this place is sweet. But just, like, kinda, like, this house has been put together in an intentional way. Tell us what y'all are hoping to create whenever y'all made it.
Speaker 3:I mean, we we wanted it to be like this. I mean, like, well done. You know, we knew we probably couldn't pay for all of that, but, thankfully, the community was really generous, and, you know, we have granite countertops. And I know that all of all of those things are can seem materialistic, but the message that we wanted to send to our kids with all of it was that, like, you are worth all of this and way more even. So we wanted to send that message.
Speaker 3:We also we wanted them to, I mean, be a part of it, of the process. And so they actually helped us demo the entire house, like every piece of drywall. I mean, had flood chambers tearing it down. But yeah. And then we wanted it to be you know, I think that was a big part too.
Speaker 3:Like, when we would have kids over to our house, there's just there is something about a home that creates a family feel, and that I think sends a message to the kids and that I I really think they've already picked up on. I mean, I there was a kid the other day that was talking about his group and another group that don't get along and I was like, well, how do y'all get along so well at the house? And he's like, we just we just know that we do. And that was huge for me because, I mean, I know how easily things can get, you know, heated and people that don't go along can get upset and and, you know, we haven't even really I think maybe one time when I was giving an announcement, I talked about how, like, when we're here, we're family. I think there's so much that kids pick up on that you don't even have to say.
Speaker 3:And so I think and and that was really the picture that we wanted to create. Like, we're doing this in your community. We're gonna make it beautiful. It's a place for you. Like, we're doing this for you because you're worth it and you're valuable, and we're gonna bring other adults into this that feel the same way about you and that
Speaker 4:are gonna
Speaker 3:continue to show you that.
Speaker 6:It really is. I mean, it's it is a home, and it's not a sterile meeting place. It's not an office building. It's not what, I mean, we put it inside of a neighborhood. And one thing that we wanted was this table that we're we're sitting at here is family dinners.
Speaker 6:Someone told me a long time ago that if you ever wanna know someone, you break bread with them. So you share a meal. And so Kim was very direct, and we want a very long table to fit as many people as possible because we wanna have family, meals together. And And intentionally call them family meals inside of this home to make people realize that we are family. This is this is home.
Speaker 6:This is safe. This is a safe place where you can be yourself and sit next to your brother.
Speaker 2:I know with the kids that I've worked with, there's so much isolation. There's so much there's so many times where they're just alone. Mhmm. And for them to have a place to come and to not be alone and to feel like family is a game changer because in some of our kids' minds, family is negative word. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because every time that they think of family, they think of bad. Mhmm. But you guys are rewriting that through what y'all are creating here, and, and I just think that that's amazing because God I believe the Lord works primarily through family, and that's what you guys are creating here is relationships through family.
Speaker 4:Yeah. I I love the the sense of belonging that that you kind of attached to one of those foundational needs. Do I belong? Mhmm. And I I would say that most people probably find somewhere to belong, but that place isn't necessarily safe
Speaker 5:Right.
Speaker 4:Healthy, like creating value for them.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:And so, yeah, I wonder if you guys could speak more to that. That really you're not changing the environment of the school or the environment of the home, but you're adding this new environment where you want them to belong. And how does that affect the other places in their life where, I don't know, it sounds like if you have a place that you belong, that frees you up in the other areas of your life in a way that, like, just how you meet the foundational need, then there are other things you can dream about and discover. I don't know if you have any thoughts.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I think a lot of a lot of things that I heard kind of as when we first started the process was, you know, like from teachers or whoever else, like, you know, we can do everything we want, but if things aren't good at home, like, there's nothing you can do, you know, and it just sounds so, like, hopeless. But I but I do understand what they're saying as far as the value of home. And, yeah, it's just thinking through, well, what can we, you know, we can't change their home life if they have a rough home life, but we can show them something else. Like we can show them that this exists.
Speaker 3:And by this, I just mean like a gathering of people that care and that come together and that get along and talk through problems when they come up and just because you can't, like if they haven't seen it, they can't do it. Yeah. And so it's not I mean, if y'all were here last night, there's not anything like there's not rocket science going on. Like we are literally eating dinner, playing some games, like hanging out. But to see it with that value of of that.
Speaker 3:And then with the belonging thing also, I, you know, I see us as competition for gangs because, like, why do kids join gangs in the first place? It's because an older person comes along and wants to take them under their wing and give them a place where they belong and where they feel valued and they feel like they're earning respect. And that's what we wanna do also, but obviously in a different way.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So
Speaker 6:Hopefully very different.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Jeff aka big homie. Right.
Speaker 2:I don't know if we should be joking about that or not. I'm sorry. But here we are.
Speaker 3:So I just stated that we are competition for the gangs.
Speaker 2:No. That's good. That's good. But Because it's so true. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because, like, kids want to have a space where they belong in. Kids want respect. Kids want a safe place where they know that people are going to have their back and where when things get tough, there's a place for them to go to. Mhmm. And if we don't create that space in the name of Jesus Christ, the world is going to create a place that that looks like it's safe and that looks like it'll fulfill them, but it doesn't.
Speaker 5:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so, like, I think that what you're saying all although it's a bold statement, it's 100% true. Like Yeah. Our kids are going to find those needs met somewhere.
Speaker 5:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And you guys are providing an environment for them to get that met in a safe way that will never fail them. There is major power in that. We want our kids, specifically our boys, to grow up to be husbands and fathers and to lead families one day. Whenever they have a family of their own, if they've never seen what it looks like to have a healthy family, the first place that they're going to go to is, man, I'm about to have a family. I don't know what that's like.
Speaker 2:Oh, wait. Yes. I do because I had it at the 4 one one house. I'm just going to recreate that. This house and this environment, it's giving these future husbands and fathers permission to do the same thing when they have a family, and there's major power in that.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. So
Speaker 4:Yeah. I wonder if you could speak to some of the positive role models that have come along side you guys in the home and investing in these kids? Any stories or relationships that you you think embody the reason you guys started the 4 11
Speaker 3:house? Yeah. So we've, you know, like I said, we just kind of opened in April, so we're still in that process of recruiting mentors, but we have had, great men that have come along and that have really, you know, gone all in. And, we've tried to recruit men in this community also, because a lot of these men already have relationship with our kids, you know, have coached them in little league or done things like that. And so, it's really cool when they show up at the house and it's like, oh, B.
Speaker 3:Mays. Like, you know, they know him, but he's also showing up here, you know, and putting his stamp of approval on on what's happening. And then the you know, we've got some younger,
Speaker 5:like, college age guys
Speaker 3:that the kids think are super cool. You know? College age guys that the kids think are super cool, you know. So and then, of course, just, you know, we basically ask our mentors to, at this point, show up twice a month and we're just in the beginning processes of kind of pairing mentors and kids up, but we're mostly just kind of doing it, like, as a group, if that makes sense, and just kinda letting those just because we don't have the numbers yet, but just letting those relationships happen. But just a fun story from last week that we did a scavenger hunt around town because we were missing some paperwork from kids and we were trying to think of a fun way to to get it done and so that was part of the scavenger hunt but, one of the mentors took his kids, I mean, just went over the top, like, took them all over town, like, took pictures with everyone they could find and, came up with this hilarious wrap in the car.
Speaker 3:And, I mean, the kids, like, that was probably maybe his second or third time to show up. And the kids, I mean, jumped out of that car are so excited. You know, they're like, we did awesome. Like, we we're the best team. Listen to our song.
Speaker 3:Like, you know, we're just on cloud 9. And I just I love seeing stuff like that because, like, he's he's got them now. You know, like, those 4 kids, like, are his. 1, I guess one cool story too that we've seen. So there was a kid that we knew, from back when we were at the apartment complex, spent a ton of time with him, just really deep awesome kid.
Speaker 3:And then for long story, but we weren't allowed to see him and his brother for like 2 years just out of nowhere. It was really hard because he was one of those and I've talked to him about this since, but he was one of those that we were really worried about just as far as how angry he was at like age 10 and 11. Yeah. Was just the one that would, you know, get upset and just storm off every time, you know. So anyway, so just, you know, worried about, you know, like, what what is this gonna look like for him, you know, feeling like he really needed us, which I know that that's not the case, but and then they showed up at the house a couple months ago and it was just crazy to see, like, how well adjusted he is and how happy he is and how well he's doing in school.
Speaker 3:We talked about it and I was just like, what, like, what happened? You know? And and he was like, so you could tell there was something wrong with me? And I was like, well, I didn't think there was something wrong with you, but I could tell, like, you were going through a really hard time. And I didn't know what that was, but I could tell that that you weren't okay.
Speaker 3:And so I asked him, like, what helped, and he named specific people. He was like my time with you guys, my time at his friend's house, where his mom lets the kids spend the night and stuff, and then friends that are supportive. And it was just cool to listen to him because it was his only answer was about people. It wasn't, well, I, you know, started this tutoring and now I'm you know, it was he needed that emotional stability and that safety and that belonging. And plus it was like an incredible lesson from God for us that, like, God didn't need us.
Speaker 3:You know, he didn't need us before, but he really wanted to show us that he didn't need us in those 2 years that we didn't get to see him to show us what he could do.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I mean, which is so encouraging and so humbling at the same time.
Speaker 3:It is. Yeah. Oh,
Speaker 2:man. God, you are so awesome, man.
Speaker 4:You really don't need me.
Speaker 6:You really don't need me.
Speaker 2:And I'm giving my whole life to this. I'm gonna go cry in the corner. No. But, that's what's so amazing. And the one thing that I really wanna drive home there is we as mentors, we don't have to carry the weight that it's us or nothing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And that God really can use us, but he can also use other mentors, and he can also use school teachers, and he can also use counselors, and he can also use his friends or his friends' parents. Like, there are so many different ways that the Lord can transform a life that it doesn't have to be us. But I'll tell you one thing that we can do is we can just pray and be like, Lord, whether it's us or not, use some relationship to change this kid's life. Right.
Speaker 2:And man, he is faithful. Yeah. He is faithful to do that.
Speaker 6:Yeah. I think that's big. I mean, knowing that it doesn't depend on you, this may just be a season Yeah. That you get to interact with this kid, and maybe that comes back later in their life. Maybe they remember the season 20 years later and it makes a difference.
Speaker 6:Maybe they remember it in 2 days, and it makes a difference. Maybe you get to spend multiple years with them. Maybe you get to spend 6 months with them. But, you know, God's put you in a specific spot with specific people for a specific reason. We don't know what that is.
Speaker 6:With this one kid, I mean, he was he was angry, and I felt like he was at this this precipice where he he was gonna make a choice, and it was gonna be it was gonna be good or bad. And I had so much weight on me to say, I've got to pull him over to this side. But there are so many times where he just doesn't doesn't listen. He doesn't wanna be around me. And then we were told that he wasn't gonna be around for a while and said, like, I felt like I I
Speaker 5:was crushed. It was like he was he was lost. He was lost to us, and then
Speaker 6:he shows back It was like he was he was lost. He was lost to us. And then he shows back up and I mean, Kim and I both got, like, teary eyed and we're like, oh my gosh. He's he's packing. He's like a normal human being now.
Speaker 6:Like, his time away from us, we were we were completely, useless. And God still used the environment that he was in to bring him along. And then we find that, you know, he he credited some of that back to to the time that we did have with him. Like, that's it's amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's good.
Speaker 4:I I think even just the picture that I have in my head is like a staircase. And that really, if you're mentoring a kid from a hard place, you're you're step 1.
Speaker 5:Like, you're that first step.
Speaker 4:Sometimes it can feel like you're step 1. Like, you're that first step. Sometimes it can feel like your responsibility is to be the the staircase. But really, like, if a kid is in a relational deficit, does not have a positive role model, has a hard home life, is looking for a place to belong, really your responsibility is step 1. And you can focus on what you're doing and really acknowledge that your relationship is opening up his next step and the next step and the next step.
Speaker 4:So when he lists out you guys and then these guys and these guys, he wouldn't be able to list out these guys if it weren't for the step that you gave that opened up his heart to seek relationships and find himself moving in that trajectory. So I think that's what stands out to me with what you said. You're a step on a staircase for these kids and the trajectory is, Mike, toward relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So tell me how you guys handle discouragement and disappointment and that feeling like, man, I I'm not making a difference and this isn't working out. Tell me how y'all deal with that and how how you continue serving in the face of that.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's I mean, that's one thing I was thinking about too when Jeff was talking was just the the long term mindset that you have to have and like you were saying with the staircase. And again I think all of that time was God preparing us. I mean I don't think like this, what we're doing now would be so hard if we hadn't learned some of these lessons like, I mean if God hadn't been like bam with, I mean, with that and then also I just I think of another kid who we were really close to that was in and out of a juvenile detention center. At the time, you know, the first time I was like, okay, like, that's okay.
Speaker 3:We can move on from here. But, you know, the second time you get a little more frustrated and then they're on probation and they're still not making good decisions, you know, and it's just like, you know, I remember at one point, like, he wouldn't go to school one day and I was like, well, okay. I was like, here's the deal. You are now doing this to yourself. And I was angry.
Speaker 3:Like, I was just mad. And, you know, in some ways, yes, but also he's a child and making decisions is not what kids do best. So, but still, you know, he, like, he still has a hard time, but just seeing glimpses like in him of of who he wants to be, you know, and even the things he talks about and the things that he says sometimes, you know, and I think in a lot of ways, we all there's all someone that we want to be or something that we want to achieve, but but we're just not doing it. Like, we're human, you know, like, we're not accomplishing all that we want to. So I think just for me, it's the combination that I can now see of that long term picture of, you know, I'm probably going to know him forever.
Speaker 3:So of of just the the long term and then also the expectations. Mhmm. So I just, him going to juvenile detention is not the problem. You know, it's whatever he's wrestling with, with, you know, how he sees himself or whatever that is. But, so just kind of not making the issue the issue.
Speaker 3:I mean, I hate it for him. I hate when he has been there and knowing that that's where he is and knowing that he's not having that belonging and all of those things that he needs. But,
Speaker 6:yeah. Yeah. It's it's hard when you can't make a decision for someone else. Right. When you see the good things that could be possible if you choose the door on the right, and then you watch them walk through the door on the left.
Speaker 6:And it's discouraging. I mean, it it really is. But I think God's been good for us of just taking away, I guess, almost like the urgency in my heart of, I've gotta do this because this needs to be fixed now. But it doesn't. God's that story for this this kid and all these kids is written.
Speaker 6:And it's it's hopefully better than even what I'm thinking. It may not be. But hopefully, it is. And, ultimately, I have to believe that it's it's there for a specific reason too. So just to think about that get away get away from the urgency issue and and just consistently show up and say, man, that's not the way I would have chosen.
Speaker 6:But, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna pivot with you. And now we get to walk through a couple more doors here in a in another couple steps.
Speaker 2:Yeah. For so many of the kids that we spend time with, like, we see the people that they want to become. Right? Like, our kids have such good hearts. They just can't figure out a way how to become who they want to become for a number of reasons.
Speaker 2:Right? There's always a reason why. And for some people it's their home life. For some people it's where they live or their parents or just the things that have happened to them. But, I mean, it's just like, you know, Romans 7, I do not understand what I do, for I want to do for what I want to do, I do not do.
Speaker 2:And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good as it is. It is no longer I myself who do who do it, but the sin that is inside of me. And so it's that mixed with Jeremiah 29. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope in a future. And just like you see your kids through both of those lenses and just like, man, lord, like, he has such a good heart and he wants to do well, but it's not happening at this point in time, god.
Speaker 2:But I'm gonna hope and I'm gonna trust that you have his future and that you are ultimately going to take care of him.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And I think we have to see ourselves in that Romans passage. Like, we have to know that that's us too so that we can empathize with where our kids are.
Speaker 6:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Just like it looks different to them. I mean it might look like a different fruit in their life than it does in my life, but I like don't do the things that I want to do and I do the things that I don't want to do, because I'm still being sanctified. And, I think that that helps with the discouragement too when you can see yourself in your kids.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, what I hear is that, like, mentors, like, tend to focus on prevention
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:When really our focus should just be compassion
Speaker 5:Mhmm.
Speaker 4:And understanding the reasons why things go the way they do. And that my job isn't just to ascertain, oh, oh, oh, I gotta make sure I tell you, like, you remember when you did that and that's what happened? Like, that's why you keep going back to juvie and and all of those things. That's like every mentor feels like that's his lane rather than feeling for the kid and just growing a sense of compassion for his situation. And I think recognizing the needs behind those things.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:That the kid will probably never recognize that that's what you're getting at or hitting at, but he doesn't need to know because later on, he'll he'll recognize it. I think of, like, all the the men in my life that it wasn't until college that I recognized that my girlfriend's dad loved me so well and brought me to his table, showed me how to interact with his family, ask other people questions about their life. I don't feel like I knew how to ask other people questions because I was just so ingrained on people are asking me questions. Right. I'm important.
Speaker 4:Like and so it's it's kind of like the things that you don't recognize you're learning just because someone's being compassionate with you.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And if you think about it too, like the mentors that do, and I've been there too, that tend to, you know, wanna fix and are panicky and whatever. It's like, what are we what message are we sending to our kids with that? We're sending them a message of like, we need to panic over this and, you know,
Speaker 6:and that they're a project.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. So I think it's just I think just thinking about the messages that you're sending your kids in the ways that you're handling situations even.
Speaker 6:I feel like when I first
Speaker 5:started trying to mentor and try to, like, introduce myself
Speaker 6:to these kids and build a relationship, it mentor and try to, like, introduce myself to these kids and build a relationship, it was awkward at times at first. And I always felt the tendency to kind of make it, like, the after school special. Like, if if y'all are a little younger than me, but if y'all ever watched GI Joe, the cartoon, it was 28 minutes of cartoon and the last 2 minutes was a little life lesson. And then the kids said, oh, thanks, Joe. Now I know.
Speaker 6:GI Joe said, and knowing's half the battle. And that's how I wanted every every one of my, interactions with these kids to end was I pat them on the back and I say, hey, knowing's half the battle. And they give me they give me a smile and a wink and it'll be okay, Joe. Thank you, mister Jeff. I sure do
Speaker 5:love you. This has been a swell time. Thank you, mister Jeff. Thank you, mister Jeff. I sure do love you.
Speaker 5:This has been a swell time. Thank you, mister Jeff. Thank you, mister Jeff.
Speaker 6:Thank you, Joe.
Speaker 2:Thank you, mister Jeff. I sure do love you. This has been
Speaker 5:a swell
Speaker 6:time. Exactly.
Speaker 2:High five. Yeah.
Speaker 6:And it's just rainbows and unicorns everywhere at that point, but that's not the reality of it. The the reality is just, they consistently just breathing life into these kids. Yeah. They don't wanna hear my life lessons. They just want life.
Speaker 6:Wow.
Speaker 2:Kids woah. The kids just wanna know that you care. And, and
Speaker 4:yeah. Don't give them life lessons. Give them life. That that's huge. Man.
Speaker 3:Did you just make that up?
Speaker 6:I did just make that up.
Speaker 4:That's for sure.
Speaker 3:We can share that in your
Speaker 2:book. That's
Speaker 6:a new t shirt.
Speaker 2:That's actually really good.
Speaker 4:Jeff, I read something somewhere that there's a history even behind this house about an old lady. I think her name is miss Captain. I'd love if you shared a little bit about that history and how that relates to what you guys are doing.
Speaker 6:Yeah. So what's what's funny is we had no idea about the history of this house. We bought the house because it it was affordable and it was in because
Speaker 4:it had a huge hole in
Speaker 6:it. It had a 2 2 huge holes in the roof and a significant amount of mold and rot and rats, all of which have been removed.
Speaker 4:Thank God. Yeah. I'm like looking around my shoulder.
Speaker 2:The Lord restores.
Speaker 6:But, yeah, that's we bought this house because it was it was affordable. It fit into the plan that we wanted, and it was in the geography we wanted because it's it's in the middle of the community. We wanted to be a part of. It's on the footpath of most of our kids. It's right across the street from large soccer fields, the summer the swimming pool, community pool, and then the rec center.
Speaker 6:So there's all these aspects to it that just made sense for us. And then we get in here, we start swinging sledgehammers and axes and knocking walls down, and there were still a couple plaques up on the wall tucked in this one corner of the living room back there in that corner. And I pulled one of them down, and I looked at it. And I said, well, Myrtle Captain. Like, I I don't know why that name's familiar.
Speaker 6:And then, duh, it hit me. That's that's the name of the street on the other side of the house. It is it's Myrtle Cappin Drive. So Kim and I did a a Google search, and, we found who exactly she was. And it turns out she was, a civil rights activist for this town that was actually kind of the the lead charge of, desegregating Temple Schools.
Speaker 6:She worked as equal opportunity, commissioner at Fort Hood. She was just she was a a local civil rights activist that fought for the kids in the community, which is just such a funny, like, God thing to have this be her house, to win. Even one day, I was I was dropping some I was dropping a car off over here, and I needed to Uber back over to my house. And if you've been in Temple, there are 2 Uber drivers. That is it.
Speaker 6:But it just so happened, the one guy that picked me up when when I walked out, he said we started talking as we drive off and he said, how do you how do you fit in at this house? And I told him a little bit about four one one and Bridges Temple and what we had plans on doing. He said, you know, this is this is mama Mert's house. And I said, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 6:I've definitely, like, heard of mama Mert and all the amazing things she's done in the community. And he said, you know, I live, 3 houses down from there growing up, but I lived at mama Mert's house because she brought in the community. She brought in all the kids in this community, and she fed them, and she cared for them. And they all knew her as mama Mert. And here we are.
Speaker 6:That's that's our goal. And it's just this awesome historical precedence of this physical location, and now it gets almost like a a regeneration, a rebirth
Speaker 5:in this community to a whole new generation of this community.
Speaker 6:Like, revelation from God of something that we never planned, never expected. And we've
Speaker 3:heard that from other people in the community. Like, they're like, I grew up there. Like, she raised me. So, yeah,
Speaker 2:it's crazy. It's almost like mama Myrtle prayed for her impact to continue here.
Speaker 5:Like, I just
Speaker 2:think that that would be so cool if she could look down and be like, I asked the Lord that what I started wouldn't stop, and it hasn't.
Speaker 4:Mhmm. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because of you guys. So Kim, so we spoke earlier about how you have a background in in counseling. Can you just kinda share how that has impacted, you as you have built relationships with kids from our places here in
Speaker 3:Temple? Yeah. So I after I finished my degree, I was pregnant and so I, you know, I was gonna stay at home once Grace was born. And so, it's fine. I mean, I had an internship for a little while and I worked for CPS for a little while, but after that, I have not, like, officially used my degree.
Speaker 3:But it has, I mean, come in handy so much just with, you know, from there was when I did a bunch of stuff with young lives and different programs. And so but I think really, I mean, one of the things that I learned about just, you know, just love, like, reading about counseling type stuff was, just like TBRI, trust based relational intervention. Intervention, and so I got to learn a lot like about Karen Purvis and, what she did at TCU and sit in on some of those conferences and stuff and I'm so glad I got to do that early on because it really helps me understand our kids, and just the effects of trauma starting from when a baby is in the womb and just the effects on brain development. And so kids, you know, that if they're if it's a stressful pregnancy, if it's a stressful environment that they're in even as newborns, you know, people always say like, oh, it doesn't matter, they don't remember. They do.
Speaker 3:I mean, they don't remember, but their their brain remembers. And then obviously, you know, growing up and it's just like the number of traumatic events or the consistency of trauma. And when I say trauma, I don't even necessarily mean, like, one horrible event, like a parent dying or something. That that is trauma too. But, it also goes back to just like that feeling of neglect and of not being safe and not being taken care of.
Speaker 3:And I think one of the biggest things to remember in all of that is the feeling of being safe. So it doesn't say that the kid has to be safe because a kid can physically be safe and you can tell them that they're safe, but if they don't feel safe, that's the same, you know, that is creating trauma for them. And so, you know, a lot of times if if our kids, you know, have a tough life at home or, you know, and they're they're at home and let's say everything is fine, but let's say a parent is really unpredictable, you know, like, maybe they have an alcohol problem or something, and so they're really unpredictable. So in that moment, the kid is safe in his room, but he is anticipating not knowing what's coming, when it's coming. And if you think about a whole childhood of of that or of something similar, it's you know, research actually shows different pictures of of kids' brains that have gone through trauma versus those that have not, which sounds really depressing, but it is reversible, which is just incredible to me that, like, a kid's brain can change.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And and that is, you know, why I'm so big on the safety and the belonging and all of that stuff because it is rewiring their brain, literally rewiring it every time you are every time you're making them feel safe, every time you're, you know, helping them work through a problem that that they think is just the end of the world and that they're gonna give up on, every time that you continue with that patience, like, you're rewiring their brain. I mean, it sounds crazy, but so if, you know, and maybe that's something too that if you have a hard time and are feeling discouraged and you're not getting the result you want, think about just what you are doing towards that kid or how you are acting towards that kid and what that's doing for them and their brain development because their reaction to it doesn't matter. If they're if they're still receiving that from you Yeah. They're receiving it.
Speaker 3:So
Speaker 4:Yeah. The input Mhmm. The input is so much more valuable to look at than the output.
Speaker 2:Yes. Which, like, that's something that we were talking about over lunch is as a mentor, it is easy to get discouraged because sometimes we don't see lots of fruit. But instead of focusing in on how they're receiving it or how they're reacting to our support, focus in on the amount of support that you as a mentor are giving them, are inputting. Right? And like we as mentors, we can't control how they receive or react, but what we can control is how often we show up and the words that we say and the environment that our presence creates.
Speaker 2:Those are things that we can control. And so
Speaker 3:Yeah. And I would I think a lot of pushback with with some of this I know is that people think that it means, like, you're not gonna give kids boundaries and you're not gonna, you know, to ever tell them no and that's not what it means at all. But it's it's that balance of, like, of communicating that well and not saying, you know, not having this, like, harshness about it. Like, it just is what it is and this is why and I want you to understand, like, all of that is important too. It's not just like a feel good thing all the time.
Speaker 3:You've gotta have that balance. So
Speaker 2:Sure. What has been the most effective part of your ministry? What has shown the most fruit, and what should mentors, whether they're with you or with someone else, what should they start doing or keep doing?
Speaker 6:Kim Kim is the most effective part of our organization. She is the energy, the engine that keeps us going. So she's definitely that. But what bears the most fruit is just the relationships, the consistent, relationships that don't offer judgment.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll just the only thing I was gonna say on that was, I think that a lot of times we can be, you know, nonprofit organizations and ministries and all that can be really focused on, like, what we're doing. And it's probably not correct to say in the non profit world, but I, a lot of times, am just like, I don't care what we do. As far as, like, the hands on you know what I mean?
Speaker 3:Like, the we can do this activity or we can do that activity or we can do, you know, obviously, schoolwork is important, but, like, as far as all that goes, I'm like, I don't really care about that. I care about the relationships that that builds in the process and and the interactions that that allows for, you know. I mean, that's why I love the scavenger hunt. Like, it was an hour of driving around town and now, you know, those kids are so bonded with that mentor.
Speaker 2:It's almost like relationships change lives.
Speaker 3:I mean, where have I heard that before?
Speaker 2:It's true but like so so often I love to sweat the small stuff like I don't know what we're gonna talk about I don't know the curriculum I don't know And at the end of the day, it's like none of that really matters. Relationship.
Speaker 4:Mhmm. So I think it'd be valuable just because we don't we don't get to usually talk to husbands and wives who are doing this work together. And I think you guys provide a different skill set that I think really goes well together. Mhmm. Like, you talking about being Enneagram 1, and then we got our Enneagram 4 over here.
Speaker 4:You can check our show notes for the Enneagram test if you'd like to be tested. I I think that really equips you well to be a family that provides a sense of belonging. And I don't know if you have any thoughts. Something you could share about the power that you guys have found in mentoring together as a family and, yeah, anything meaningful that you guys have learned in that process?
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, I think we, I mean, we definitely are wired very differently. And then like even what you were saying about boys growing up and and needing that approval from a man, that's, you know, that's just not something that I naturally would have thought of at first and not really something that I thought, like, I didn't see as the value in that and in it being a man at first. But then, so I think it's it's cool because we are wired differently, but it's been a process of, like, figuring out that that's okay and not, like, me trying to make you do things my way. Not saying that I never did that, but Never happened.
Speaker 3:Never. But, you know, that like you are who you are and God has equipped you for this and I am who I am and he's equipped me and he's continuing to equip us in the process and my gosh, we don't know everything, like, you know, I mean, whenever you think you do, like, it all just starts over. But I think also for our kids, just being able to you know, they've been a part of a lot of it, and they're 97, and I know that it's not something that they fully can understand, but it's just like we're talking about with the kids we mentor. You're living life with them, and they're picking up a lot in the process. It's hard when you have your own kids and you're working with other kids.
Speaker 3:You know, there's dynamics there, but we just we try to be as intentional as we can in explaining why we're doing what we're doing and they might not always love it and they might not always be cheerful, but we we ultimately trust that, like, this is where God has us and that we're not going to put too much of a burden on our family. That's not I'm trying to balance the idea of, like, it's it is a burden in some ways. Like, God God doesn't call us to, you know, just make sure that life is easy for us and our kids. He definitely calls us to do things that are outside of our comfort zone and that even, you know, quote unquote take away from family time, But, our prayer is that this would actually add value to our family and not take away from it.
Speaker 6:Yeah. I think that's big. Like, we want family time as a core family, the 4 of us. Right? But at the same time, we wanna show our kids God's family.
Speaker 6:And that's one thing that this has been able to do, sometimes kicking and screaming, but sometimes joyfully, depending on their moods when they come over here. But they they get to
Speaker 5:see God's family, the the mosaic of God's family actually together
Speaker 6:and at work. I think for, mosaic of God's family actually together and at work.
Speaker 5:I think for for us, I know when
Speaker 6:we started, we both had a tendency to, kinda decompress after, an event or, like, an outing and say, like, well, I probably Kim, I probably woulda handled this this way. And she said, well, I probably woulda handled your thing this way. And, there was and that it made it kinda hard on us at first, but I think we kinda found this level set of, you know, we are we are uniquely created and with different skill sets, with different ways of doing things. And we eventually settled in to allow each other to go about things in our own ways, and which makes it authentic. These kids may they come to Kim and they may get they they may get a different reaction.
Speaker 6:It may be a lot more energetic, a lot more, like, lovey dovey and hugs. And then they may come to me and I may slap them on the back and tell them I'm proud of them. And that's all I I wanna say and that's all I feel like I need to say. But I'll look them in the eye, and I'll tell them that. And it's different.
Speaker 6:And I think God designed it to be different. That's that's the key. And so she does she gets to do things the way she's designed, and I get to do things the way I'm designed. And I like that in this environment, in a home, because it really is us being God's family here. Kim takes on more of a motherly role.
Speaker 6:I take on more of a fatherly role. But I think that's that's perfect for what we have wanted to create here.
Speaker 2:Has it been worth it?
Speaker 3:100%.
Speaker 6:Yeah. Without a doubt.
Speaker 3:Nah. But I will say I have been through months where I would have said no.
Speaker 6:Yep.
Speaker 3:There there have been some hard
Speaker 6:It's been a process and at times a grind.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 6:And there were times where we both said, what in the world did we just do? What have we gotten ourselves into? But God allowed us to persevere through
Speaker 5:it.
Speaker 4:Jeff, Kim, thank you so much for joining us on the podcast. Thank you for hosting us in the 4 one one house.
Speaker 5:Yes.
Speaker 4:Absolutely. That is such a blessing to us to kinda see where your work's happening. So it gives us a mental picture. Unfortunately, everyone else in podcast land doesn't get to see this. Actually, you can check the show notes.
Speaker 4:We'll post some pictures. How can people connect with you guys, follow your story, your journey? Like you kinda said, Kim, if this doesn't work out, who how can they see, the demise of 401?
Speaker 3:Or if you or FIRM. Who wants to watch us fail?
Speaker 6:Right. We started with sledgehammers, we'll end with sledgehammers.
Speaker 4:No. So how can people connect with you guys?
Speaker 3:So we have Facebook and Instagram. Our Facebook is the 411 Temple, and Instagram is the 411 House. And, yeah. Connect with us there.
Speaker 4:It's awesome. Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast and sharing your journey.
Speaker 3:Thank you all for coming.
Speaker 6:Thanks for actually stopping in Temple. No one ever stops in Temple. They just drive through.
Speaker 2:It's a nice little city.
Speaker 4:I like it. It's pretty great.
Speaker 2:Alright. Hey. If you listener missed out on all the good stuff that Jeff and Kim talked about today, if you just heard one thing, let it be this, you can mentor. You can mentor.
Speaker 6:Do we have to say it to? You can mentor.