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Being STRONG is more than just how much weight you can lift.
The Strong New York Podcast is dedicated to inspiring you to become your strongest self- in the gym, in business, in relationships and in life.
Join Kenny as he sits down with his strong as fuck buddies and shoots the shit on what it takes to be strong willed, strong minded and physically strong. Season one features everyone from entrepreneurs and local business owners to doctors and industry leaders in the fitness and wellness space.
With over a decade of experience, Kenny Santucci has made himself known as one of New York City’s top trainers and a thought leader in the health and wellness industry. After transforming his life at 15 years old through fitness, Kenny made it his mission to transform the lives of those around him.
Kenny has trained some of Hollywood’s biggest stars, including Jon Bon Jovi, Liev Schreiber, and Frank Ocean, and has been tapped as a fitness expert sharing his training approach with Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, Runner's World, SHAPE, Well+Good, among other publications.
Kenny is the creator of STRONG New York, NYC's only Health and Fitness Expo. Strong New York is an immersive day of workouts, wellness experiences, panel discussions, and inspiring conversations with the best in-class wellness professionals, industry leaders, and change makers who are sharing their expertise on today's hottest wellness trends and first-hand experiences on how to optimize your overall health and life.
You can find Kenny at The Strength Club, his private training and group strength training facility in the heart of Manhattan located on 28th and 5th Ave in New York City.
All right, this year is 2026 and we're tackling all the hard stuff. Why? Because that's how we get stronger. Welcome to the Strong New York podcast. I'm your host, Kenny Santucci, and today I am very excited to get started. Uh, one of the earlier episodes we had already that aired this year was with my buddy Ben Hart and we're talk, tackling, dating.
Today, we're gonna tackle relationships, dating, and all the hard shit that we're afraid to talk about, especially myself because I. Hate it. And I am probably one of the, uh, the reasons why dating is so hard in New York City. I'll take a lot of responsibility for that. And I have an old friend here who's been absolutely killing it on social media and around the world, and I'm so excited to have her on here.
Sabrina, thank you so much for coming on. When you posted that picture that we're, you're gonna be on the podcast today, I had like 20 women in my dms being like, how do you know her? I was like, she's an old friend. What I love to see, it's funny 'cause when we first met years ago, years ago, um, you know, and you had the, the clothing business, it's, I wanna see my friends win.
I wanna see people do well, and I. I actually still have, swear to God, I wish Chrissy was here. I still have about five software T-shirts that I refuse to get rid of because they were so well done. I think you are one of these people that I, I have some friends where I'm like, I just hope everything works out for somebody like you.
I don't worry because I'm like, you're a fucking boss. You really are. You're one of these people where you're like, you're gonna walk in the room and if everybody doesn't know you already, they will by the end of the day. So I love that. And I think you have come. You know, into your own with this, with your new venture here.
So how did all this start? You go out to LA what, 2021? Yeah. Well and I, it is fun. It's fun to be able to look back because it's like, I remember you were dating life as well, Kenny, I remember. And so we'll talk about all of those variables and the fears, but nonetheless, I, yeah. So I had software, still have software, which I'll get used to more shirts.
Mm-hmm. But I was, went out to LA to do Shark Tank and so. 2021, I moved out to LA 'cause we were moving manufacturing out there. It just made more sense to be in the same place. And so we left Brooklyn to do that, like, and move it there. And I was supposed to do Shark Tank and I was on set like, this is it, right?
Like there's Mark Cuban, that's my fucking guy. I got my set in his, in my hands to go out and, and show him. Mm-hmm. And they come in and they're like, okay, you ready? Prepping Like you are on next. Great. Five more minutes. Five minutes. Turns into 10, turns into 20. And I'm like, something's not right. And so I went to the bathroom and I heard someone pitching and I was like, Hmm.
And so sure enough, like 30 minutes later they come in, I'm so sorry we can't fit you on today. We'll try again. But you know, we're really, really packed. And I went home like head in my hands. Really, really bad. Like you were gonna pitch software, I was gonna pitch software and I had nothing that I have now.
And so it's like me and Clem at the time, were living in Venice, I'm broke as fuck. I'm thinking this is gonna be it. Right? Like so many of us find ourselves there in relationships. Mm-hmm. And in different, like different variables. And so when I came back, they did it again like a month later, they did the same shit of like, oh, we wanna have you back on.
I'm so sorry. We can't fit you. And I remember my friend was at my house and she's like, dude, you talk about dating all the time. You should create like a separate entity. And I remember thinking, no one's gonna care what I have to say. Like who's gonna care about me? Right? Mm-hmm. Core belief. And then I started TikTok, and then the TikTok started to blow up.
And I was like, I'll start a podcast. I'll start at Instagram. And now I feel so in my element, like this is where I belong. Mm-hmm. But that had to come from letting go of something that wasn't going to work in order to welcome in something that would, which I think a lot of us are really, really struggling with.
Especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Yes. Take us through that. Like, I mean, because I definitely have that problem. I always feel like I have to. Be the person that everybody expects. I heard something really good. I wish I would've remembered her Instagram, but she had said that if you have an Instagram with like a thousand or 2000 people that they're like people you went to high school with and college and whatever people have, you've known your whole life.
They were like, she's like, get rid of that Instagram. Start a new one and be who you want to be. Because having those people on your page, you don't realize how many times you kind of bend and twist who you really want to be. 'cause those people have this idea of you and you feel like you need to. Suffice that, you know, and I would say, I would even argue to say like, I think that's also dating in a nutshell, like right there.
That just that sentence I think epitomized what we're talking about. Because we're, I think when it comes to dating relationships, the fears, the traumas, and all of those things, like all of us have experienced some kind of trauma. It could be small teas, it could be big teas, right? We all run the gamut depending on where you fall on the spectrum.
Mm-hmm. Those create core beliefs, those create patterns. Those create how we see things. So for instance, I'll give an example. I grew up with a really narcissistic father and a people pleasing mother. So I learned that boundaries were really scary to set. You say yes, you show up if like, what can I do to earn your love?
How can I show you that I'm amazing and you can't live your life without me because that's what I learned with my dad. Mm-hmm. If I can show him how amazing we are, maybe he won't leave us and then we end up doing that in our adult life because that feels safer. Our nervous system is going, okay, well I don't wanna be abandoned, I don't wanna be left.
That includes with these random fucking people I meet on the internet and. I think what I kind of started to realize was, if you are not gonna be okay pissing people off, you're not gonna be okay being yourself. Like every single day I get you curse too much. You speak too fast, you are too opinionated.
And my response to them is like, go fuck yourself and find a new audience then. Mm-hmm. Find a new community where people will like this type of bullshit. 'cause I'm not it. Yeah. And I think that's part of stepping into your truth and being able to be unapologetically your fucking self means you're gonna have to grieve because you're gonna let people down.
You're gonna disappoint people. You're going to go out and date and say, no, I don't wanna do that. And you're gonna have someone say, wow, well you're being difficult. And instead of caving and being like, oh, I'll do anything you want, if that's where we have to go, good, then you're not for me. Thank you so much for showing that to me early on.
You know, I, I have a, I used to have a problem with that. Now I'm just. I almost show women the worst side of me. Oh boy. Because what does that look like, Kenny? Tell me more. Well, I listen, it doesn't matter who, I don't do it to be an asshole. I really don't. I'm just really piss poor at time management. Yeah.
With work, with everything. And I'm trying to juggle a hundred things 'cause there's so much I want outta life and there's so many things I'm trying to do. And for me, I, I prioritize work. Yeah. Right. It has to be because if you want to go on lavish vacations and go out to dinner every night, some dickheads gotta pay the bill.
And that idiot tends to be me most of the time. So I want to make sure that I could do this for people and I wanna be able to do that for people. I think one of the biggest flexes, especially one of the things that I wrote down in 2026, I wanna be able to help and take care of as many people as I could.
One of my, well, ah, but can I, may I Yes. Just interject really quick and then you go on. That is also really much a, very much a trauma response because if you can help everybody else, you don't actually have to be vulnerable with yourself. Exactly. Yeah. Well, but at the same time, like, I think it just feels really good for me.
I don't like getting gifts. Like when people are, oh, I got a present for you for Christmas. I don't, I really wear the same shit. I have actually think I've been wearing the same thing for the last, like, three days. I don't give a shit. Um, but for me, I, I don't really, I don't like jewelry. I'm not like one of these fancy people.
Um, but so one of my, uh, staff slash clients of mine moved to la uh, moved to Austin. She just moved back. She's all excited to move back and she's like, was asking one of the other girls, she's like, Hey, will you drive from Austin to back to New York with me? I gotta go pick up all my stuff. And I go, why doesn't she just ship it all?
And she, uh, the other girl was like, well, she doesn't wanna pay for it, blah, blah. I go find out how much it is. I'll just pay for it. Let me just pay for it. She helps me out a ton. She's like, I wanna be able to do that for people. One, because I don't want the two of them driving across the country. Two, it's a waste of time.
And I'm like, if I could afford it, why don't I just pay for it? Like, I like to be able to do that for people. Even when my mom, my mom's older now, she's 77, she'll be 75 this year. And I said to her, I was like, let's get you a nice car. And she's like, I don't want a nice car. I like typical people old. Yeah.
I know it. Old, you know, angry Italian lady. Yeah. She's like, I don't need a nice car. And I'm like, yeah, you do. She's like, yeah, but the kids are gonna ruin it. I go, then they'll ruin a nice car. And I'm an old shitty car. So I just, I like to be able to do that for as many people as I could. I wanna be able to help the people around me.
'cause I truly believe that if you, if everybody around you is winning and feels good, then your day ultimately gets better. Can I ask you though, who's doing that for you? Me. Are you actually though? Yeah, because I, I try to live the life. I want lead. I want to have the people I want around me. I like, just like I said, I'm, I'm spending the money now.
To, uh, have this guy kind of help me with the business where it's like I could pull myself out a little bit and just go in. I love doing this little, um, exercise where you write down what your perfect day is, where you wake up, who you wake up with, what all that stuff. And one of the things I was like, I just wanna show up to work when I wanna show up to work, because I do wanna work.
I think people go nuts when they don't have a purpose. Yeah. Or nothing to do in life. I can't what? Not work. Yeah. Like I, it's crazy. Take a day off. I'm like, but that's wrong. Yeah. I feel the same way. I'm like, I, I need to have a purpose. I wanna go do something. Um, but I wanna be able to do it on my own time.
If I wanna go shoot a podcast, if I wanna go grab coffee, I wanna be able to have that day. Um, so for me it's like I'm trying to do that for myself. I really don't think a lot of people. Take hold of their lives the way they should. No, well, I was gonna say though, so what you're describing though, shows that like a relationship isn't a priority, at least in the grand scheme of what you're describing, which is fine.
That is completely okay. Yeah. As long as it's articulated early on. Mm-hmm. Because that's, that's how we get into fuckboy territory. Not you, I mean, in general. Yeah, yeah. Right. Of the, oh, I've definitely been called that 1,001 times, but I'm like, you could hang, correct me if I'm wrong, just from a female's point of view and somebody who understands a little bit deeper, um, you could hang out with somebody and it not work out doesn't necessarily mean like you're, it's not like, oh man, I can't wait to fuck this girl.
I like to hang out with somebody, get to know them, and you, as you, as the days go on, you're like, okay, this feels good. You're not really connecting as much. I think that's okay. Like, it's not like, oh, because we went on a date and because we fucked, now we have to get married. That's not like the end game.
Right? So if first date Awesome. Had fun. We fucked, we didn't, whatever it may be. Um, you know, and I, I'm never pushy about that shit. I don't care. Like, we don't have to fuck, we don't have to do, I just want it to be as fun as we possibly can. As, as, like, there doesn't need to be any expectations. Like, oh, we have to do this or we have to do that.
I just want it to be as enjoyable as possible. And then when it becomes another job, then I'm like, all right, I gotta back outta this fucking thing. Well, I, but I think, and that, I think that's also where it is because it's like relationships are work. Right? They are work. Yeah. But I like to look at it as like a bank account.
Am I in the green or am I in the red? Because if I'm constantly in the red where you're like, man, I don't have the, I we're not getting enough deposits in the bank account for me that, to make this worth it. Mm-hmm. As a business owner, you'll understand that. Yeah. Yeah. Where, whereas, you know, for an example, like, I love my partner.
We, we fucked on the first date and I looked him right in the eyes after dinner and I said, listen, I had a really great time. I really needed it tonight. Like, I kind of hadn't had this in a minute. I said, but I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest. Like if you call me, that's because you wanna build something.
Otherwise, please don't waste my fucking time. I don't do casual. And he was like, okay, okay. And I said like, I'm intentional. Mm-hmm. There's a difference between I need certainty, right? Like, we see this all the time of, well, we had a first date, which means you wanna marry me. And it's like, no, no, no. That's not what anyone said.
Versus where fuckboy starts to come in is like example, let's say you went on on a date and you're telling this girl like, I want a relationship and I wanna get married. I wanna do all that. Then you date. Then all of a sudden it's, oh no, I'm not interested in, I want casual. That's where it's like, Hey, that's disingenuous.
You bait and switch this person. Mm-hmm. But if it's from the beginning, Hey, I'm intentional with the way that I date. I wanna make sure we actually align on something, otherwise I'm not gonna waste any anymore of my time. To me, that's just time management. Yeah. And I think what it is, is that a lot of people now see it as if, God forbid, anybody rejects them, which it's not really a rejection when you think about it.
Like at least in my eyes. We, if any of us in this room went on a date tomorrow and after you're like, Hey, I think you're really lovely, but I like blue, you like green. Right? It's just not in a match. I'm sorry, but long term I don't see this working out. Sure. Somebody rejected you. It's like, but that's also is that just person just made a choice.
Yeah. They made a choice for themselves. Now where it becomes what's, where the girls that you might be describing kind of have an issue, might be a couple of things. One, they're projecting what they want you to be and they're projecting that like, oh, they see your persona and they're like, oh, he's gonna be all these things.
And then you show up and you're human and you're not any of these preconceived notions that they've come up with. Mm-hmm. Or they want certainty, you're going out with me, which means then you like me, which means we're gonna be in a relationship, which means I know where things are going because for a lot of people with anxiety.
Doesn't matter what your attachment style is. If you have anxiety, we want certainty because the unknown feels really scary. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's why if you go out and then these girls freak out on you, it's like, Hey man, what I'm trying to do is assess if we're compatible. I'm not looking at the chemistry.
I wanna see if we have the long term here. That takes a minute, and that's why I'm big on going slow. Mm-hmm. Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. Like you said, you can still sleep with someone on the first date if you want to. Right. That's a personal choice. I'm not saying everyone has to do that, I just so happen to.
But really where it comes after is like notice how when me and Ryan, when I said we slept together on the first date, what came after that? I dropped all my expectations and I said, if he calls me great, and if he doesn't, that was really fun. Yeah. Because I'm taking control of my own fucking life because I'm an adult who made a choice to do what I did.
Mm-hmm. No one forced me. Thank God. No one baited me. No one convinced me. I made an adult choice. And I think what I hear and what you're describing is a lot of the people that you might be encountering, and it's just, I think the people in the dating world, when they get triggered and they feel, and it's all of a sudden the attachment and the oxytocin and the dopamine, and I want it.
I want it. I want it. That's why they become attached and they're not actually dating you for you. They're dating to walk through their trauma. Through you. Yeah. And I think you could really feel that sometimes. Right. There are definitely girls I've hung out with where I'm like, this feels really good.
It's comfortable. Yeah, it's easy. And then there's other people who are like hitting the gas pedal and they're like, well, where are we going? What are we doing? And blah, blah, blah. And I go, I feel like if I was any guy. You'd be doing the same shit because you just want a boyfriend. A hundred percent. Right.
So they want the attractive on paper, like, he's everything I want. Yes, yes. But then they don't give you an opportunity to be yourself and be like, but I also have like, we all have our shit. Yeah. Right. Well, here, I, I mean, I've actually never really, I've talked about it on the podcast before, but never really dove into it.
So a lot of times I never, and I swear on a stack of Bibles on my father's life, I never go into a relationship or go on a date with a girl and I'm like, oh, I wanna be your boyfriend and blah, blah, blah. I fucking hate that bullshit. Yeah. I, I think I'm that it's so fucked up to do that to somebody, to give them this false sense of like, Hey, this is.
What you want to hear. So I'm gonna tell you the bullshit. I hate that. That's fuck, boy. Yeah. Even when I go even with clients and they're like, I want this and I want that, I go, listen to me. The last thing that's gonna show up for you is gonna be this physique. You think you're gonna have abs, big ass, you know, all this shit is gonna take a lot of time.
So you need to, I want manage our expectations. However, right now what I could give you, you're gonna feel better after a workout. You're gonna be excited about coming to the gym. Like those are the things that I could give you immediately. Long term, it's gonna be a lot harder. It's gonna take a lot more work and a lot more investment.
But back to the relationship stuff. So about five years ago, I was having crazy back pain. I went to the doctor I, every doctor I talked to was like, oh, you need to have your back fused, all this stuff. I end up going to get a CAT scan. They find out that I have this cyst on my pituitary gland. I haven't in a couple years had it checked, but.
My doctor believes that like, the chances of me being able to have kids is very low. Okay. Because I'm on testosterone. Yeah. And for me, it's like, everybody's like, you don't want kids. I'm like, I'm almost juggling in my head. Like, I've always wanted to have kids. I love kids. I'm always with my niece and nephews.
Um, I don't think I can, so I'm almost managing my own expectations and I never wanna take somebody down that road. Yep. Being like, Hey, we're gonna go do this, and then I can't do it. Right. So it's a fuck. It's, it's fucked on my end too because it's like, it kind of fucks with my head. So I'm like, I'm managing my own shit while trying to manage somebody else's shit too.
And I, and I tell them, I'm like, the chances this happening are probably pretty low. Yeah. Um, oh. I'm honest and direct on dates. I'm like, I don't want kids. Yeah. I just wanna be a hundred percent like, no, maybe one day, but I'm good without it just about being honest of like, Hey, if I want kids, I don't know if I can have them, but I wanna just be honest with you.
Yeah. So that you don't waste your time if you want 'em, but at the same time, right. I'm not opposed to adopting a kid when people are, you would never date somebody with a kid. I go, yeah, I would. 'cause I don't think I, if I could, like, why I don't ca I don't cancel anything out. There's so many things that have happened in my life that like I'm never dogmatic about because it always comes back.
Right? Something always happens where even when you're like, I would never be that person, I would never do this thing and you end up doing it, never say never. Never say never. So when. I go out on a date with somebody and they're like, well, you don't want kids and you don't wanna be married. I was talking to a girl not too long ago.
It's black and white thinking as well. Yeah. And it's like, life is not black and white. No. Right. We can't even agree if a girl's, a girl and a boy's a boy nowadays. So how could we even say like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm so dead set on never having kids. It's like, no, I'm not. So people are always like, oh, well you have this kind of fuck, boy, you lived in New York your whole life.
And I go, yeah, but if I bounced in and outta relationships, or if I was married, divorced, like, is that better than me not having anything at all? Yeah, I was gonna say, I think what I'm, it's like you're making a choice for yourself now, if there are people in the way, 'cause I think what I'm also hearing as well.
And I just had, you can cut this part out 'cause I had it and I was like holding onto it. My one brain cell left. Got it. There it is. Got it. Okay. I think something that I really see quite often is that people are more attached to the outcome and that's what detachment is. Right? Like if we really talk about dating without attachment mm-hmm.
It's about saying, I'm showing up present because for now I like this. So if you and I wanted a date tonight and I left going, wow, that was really fun. For now. I had a really great time. If I hear from them, great. And if I don't, that's okay too. Mm-hmm. Because what I'm doing is I'm stopping to say, what are my choices?
What's within my control? I can't control Kenny. I can't control this person. I couldn't control my partner. Right? Mm-hmm. I can't control any of the external, but what ends up happening is when we attach to the outcome, right? I'm going on the date with this guy, oh my God, he owns a gym, he's hot, he's this, he's all of the things.
He's everything I've ever wanted. Notice how even before they've even met up with you already, they have this entire preconceived notion, and then we can't be shocked when it's the end of the fucking world because you don't wanna be with them. When from the beginning they were attaching to the outcome, and what ends up happening is they put their worth into it.
Mm-hmm. He doesn't want me. I must not be pretty enough. Am I not fit enough? Is my ass not big enough? You're like, or, or Hear me out. Maybe this person just doesn't align or see you as their future. Mm-hmm. And that's okay. Yeah. And I think we've lost the art. And that's why when I say that anxiety, wanting certainty, that's why what's what makes dating so difficult for a lot of people?
Because here's the fun fucking part. Once you're in the relationship, okay, you're in the now you got it right? And we see this all the time. I wanted the relationship. I had a client the other day. She's two and a half years into her, uh, relationship, married for about a year. And sure enough, they, I mean, this guy love bombed the living fuck outta her.
Like, I love you within a week, married in six months, the whole gamut. And she's crying hysterically to me because she's saying he dismisses me, he gaslights me, he discredits me. And I said, okay, let me ask you a question. Did you not see that in the beginning? And she was like, well, in the beginning. And I said, let me guess.
It was amazing. And you were in the fantasy because you're so caught up in the idea of it. But when did you set a boundary? When did you say no to this person? Because if you had done that, when you're so scared of losing the other person, you've already lost yourself. And when you're so terrified of taking up any space, I'd rather fucking lose you than me all day.
Because if I've lost me, if I don't stand for something, I fall for everything. Mm-hmm. And I find that, like, what I find really attractive is when I go out with someone, when I did date and they would say no. And you're like, tell me more about that. What don't you like about that? Or when we can talk about things and leave saying, I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life.
Mm-hmm. Because that's that energy. I love that I want you in my life, that I'm making space for you. Mm-hmm. I need you in my life is really overwhelming 'cause you're like your happiness that's codependency is contingent on me. That's way too much for any person to take. Yeah. So I, and just from what I gather from what I see on the internet and stuff, there's always this idea that men want this.
And I, I know guys like this who want this meek quiet, stay at home wife for me. I love somebody who's got an opinion. Yeah. I love somebody who's got their own life. Yeah. I love somebody who's got ambition. One of the things I put on my 2026, like, you know, kind of idea, gold mindset is like, ambition is sexy.
Yeah. Like I like somebody who's like, I want to do all this shit. Mm-hmm. I'm like, fuck. Because then you could rally behind them. Yeah. Right. And they could rally behind you because now you have somebody else who like wants to do other stuff. Well, what you're also describing though is it's what you're looking for is somebody that's compatible with you in the sense where like your relationship, like, I'm gonna be honest, and I, this might be controversial.
My relationship is not my number one. And the reason I say that is because like my partner works for my company. If my relationship is number one and the business isn't number one, then how am I gonna fucking pay for both of us? Mm-hmm. And he knows very well. The business as always, will always be my number one priority because I have to for my livelihood.
Mm-hmm. What comes after that is my relationship. That doesn't mean it's less important, but what that means is that I think similar to you. Mm-hmm. When someone puts you as their number one and I just wanna be a stay-at-home mom and I wanna do nothing. And I That's fine. That's fine. You are allowed to want all of that, but that doesn't mean it's right for you.
Mm-hmm. That's compatibility. Yeah. And I think there's, I mean, not to get on the topic of politics, but there's this like super right wing and super left wing idea that like. Oh, you have to stay at home and your job should only be to be a mom. And I'm like, nah. I typically agree with that. I think if somebody's got, like, there are women that I know who stay at home and have nothing, that's when like depression sets in.
So I like when somebody's ambition, so when somebody has something going on, I think there's, we, we dismiss that so much, but I think it's so important for everyone to have some sort of goal, some sort of passion. You know, I'm curious when you date, like have you, and you don't have to gimme any specifics about this person, but like, have you felt a connection with someone in the last, like couple of years where you felt, like, seen, heard, understood, like safe with this person?
Like have you had that with anybody in the last couple years? Yeah. Okay. But I, I think, I think I, because of television and shit. Yeah. You know, it's kind of fucked my head a little bit. I think there's part of me that feels that sometimes girls like the idea of me. Yeah. Right. And then when the shit hits the fan.
And it's like, well, this is kind of my reality. Like I don't vacation on the weekends and I don't do shit. I'm like, I work. Yeah. 5:00 AM I'm up. Yeah. And I'm at the gym and, and they're like, well, this isn't what I thought it was gonna be. I thought it was gonna be this fucking fun roller coaster. And I'm like, it's not, I'm boring.
I don't like doing shit. You know? I like cooking at home. I like, I don't wanna go out fucking four nights a week because. You end up eating, oh, let's try some fucking dessert. It's, I don't wanna do that shit. Yeah. You know? Um, and then in the middle of the day it's like, oh, you can't leave work. I'm like, I literally went from work to here.
I'll go back to work. Yeah. Like, it's not that glamorous, you know? Yeah. Why aren't you texting me every single morning? Good morning. Oh, the texting stuff. Like, I will die on this hill. And you knew my old me. Yeah. You knew the old version of me as well. Like before I fucking became the version I am now, I used to be so anxious and everything was about the texting and Warren I did and da da because I was living for other people and I was putting my worth into, if you text me, that means I'm enough.
If you text me, you remembered me. Yeah. If you text me, you're not abandoning me. But at the end of the day, you know, as well as I do, that shit does not do anything for connection. How is me texting you? Good morning. Doing anything to get to know each other any deeper besides quelling my anxiety that you are not gonna leave me.
Well, at the same time, I think it's, that's why apps and shit don't work. Like what are, what are your thoughts on. Because everybody's like, I saw you on an app. I'm like, I just never fucking deleted the thing. But I'm biased. I met Ryan on Hinge, so I did meet him. But here's the thing, like anything else, it's not, that's like blaming the casino for the gambling problem.
It's like, sure does the house always wanna win, no shit. Right? But the person using it is the one with the fucking problem. Yeah. And so I think we need to hold the people on dating apps accountable and not just blame, oh, it's Hinge and Bumble and all these things. Mm-hmm. Sure. Is their algorithm meant it's the same with Instagram?
Their algorithm isn't dear to help us, right? Yeah. Like it's meant for us to constantly be on a fucking chase. But I think you can find good people anywhere. Right? For sure. Like I could go to a coffee shop right now and find someone amazing, but I think what it is, is like we need to be more selective.
And I think what I hear when I see the dating apps is it's either this all or nothing, right? Look, I met them, I'm in a dating app. That means they want a relationship. It's like, no, there are people on dating apps for a slew of reasons. They have every right to be, it's on me to vet this person that's on me to make sure that this person aligns with me.
And I think what we see is people wanna give up the agency. Right. I don't have any control. 'cause if I don't have any control, I'm the victim. And if I'm the victim, woe is me. I'm always going to be the poor thing. And I lived in that space because it was safer than saying, I do get to make a choice. You know why?
Because as a kid, I didn't as a kid when I was dealing with my dad, oh, if I went up and said, no, I don't wanna do that, I get slapped in the face. Mm-hmm. I would. And he would leave. And then I'd be crying. Like it meant that I could break up my family and lose safety. That's a lot for a 7-year-old. I'm not seven though.
And so if I'm going to come from that place, and that's what I meant by triggers, when we get triggered, right? So they go out on the date with you and you're amazing. You're all these things, right? And they're projecting all this beautiful thing. And then you don't text 'em the next day because you're a human and maybe you're at work.
That's the trigger. Right? The I'm not safe. And then that's why you're like, what is this a 7-year-old? Yeah. It's like, 'cause they see you as their dad, their mom, their caregiver, the person. 'cause they say, I don't have a choice. When we can regulate and come back to the present moment, feet where our fucking head is at head where our feet is at, that's where you can say, what are my choices?
You can't access your place of choice when you're dysregulated. Mm-hmm. Because if a tiger walked in right now, are you gonna think about drinking? No. You're gonna be in survival. Yeah. Yeah. You're not gonna think about what's next. Mm-hmm. And I think to me, I, I feel like the biggest issue with dating that I see is people aren't regulated when they're dating.
And so if I come to you and I'm like, you say jump, I say, how high? Right. I'm wildly dysregulated and I'm in urgency. And that's why you're like, yeah, this doesn't feel good or. The opposite. Super removed. Right. Avoidant, which I feel like you probably maybe more go on that side than for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
With avoidance, what we see is like, they're not bad people. Nothing is wrong with, so for anyone who doesn't know, there's the main attachment styles. You have the insecure one, just are avoidant, anxious and disorganized, and then you have the secure one. Hi. Secure is not the gold standard that the internet makes you think it is.
Yes. We wanna all be secure in who we are, but that doesn't mean secure. People don't feel emotions. That just means they know how to handle it. Mm-hmm. When we think of the anxious, right. So I just described the anxious, really beautifully inconsistent, hot and cold. You are holding onto it, right? Like that was my childhood that bred that.
That's okay. Just wanna make sure I can keep talking, just making sure I'm, it's not my first rodeo. Then we go into the more avoidant side. The avoidant person, like I'm dating my partner is more avoidant. Avoidant, just could be either. Maybe you had an emotionally unavailable parent that maybe as a kid, right?
Your parents just didn't say, I love you a lot. Or had a client who his mom would just shoo them away when something bad would happen. So he didn't learn how to process emotions and feelings. Mm-hmm. There's nothing wrong with these people. We perceive it as they're so cold, oh, he shuts down. He doesn't give a shit.
No one knows what's happening. Internally, the internal dialogue, what the avoidant person sees is, this isn't safe. I don't like this. No, thank you. I retreat because I can only rely on myself. I can't rely on other people. Whereas the anxious person is, no, I can only rely on other people. So for an anxious person, it's low sense of self, high sense of others.
For an avoidant person, it's low sense of others or low. Yeah, low sense of other, high sense of self. Mm-hmm. You can see why. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The amalgamation, that's why it's a dance. That's why you probably date predominantly anxious women because there's something sexy about it. Like, look how open they are.
They can be vulnerable, they can share, and then that triggers you and you're like, oh no, I don't like this. This doesn't feel safe. No thank you. Retreat. That's just a coping mechanism. That doesn't mean, but that doesn't mean you don't still work on that shit because if you are leaning more avoidant where like you shut down or you don't have the conversations or you avoid them, that's not actually gonna help you get deeper.
That's just playing a game. And that's why you bop out if you're like, this doesn't feel good next because you're not comfortable with the emotions that are coming up. It's easier to go than it is to deal with what's coming up for you. Wow. That's a straight kick in the ass. Yeah. Um, like I don't know it well enough, so Well, yeah.
For me, I think just like I said before, I think people like the idea. Yeah. And then when, so. Some of my past shed, everybody's like, oh, well you've never had this. I used to be fat as a kid. You were. So, everybody always thinks, oh, well you used to, you were always in shape. Yeah. And I'm like, no, I wasn't. I had to work really hard on that.
Yep. And you know, everybody's like, well, you are always had money. You were always, and I go, no, I wasn't. I grew up in a shit neighborhood in Newark, New Jersey. And it's the same thing with like dating. It's, everybody's like, well, it must've always came easy for you. I go, no, there, there are women I've dated high school, college after college, like when I was on TV and stuff.
And I always felt like everybody's, you think that, you're like, oh, okay, this person is happy to be with me, blah, blah, blah. And then they really get to know you. And they're like, somebody cheats on you and this, you know, it, it kind of stirs that up. So when I start to feel that somebody's just in it because they're like, oh, this is cool for now.
I back out, but yes, you are, you are very spot on with the fact that like, as soon as something gets hard, I just have so much other shit. Like the other day I'm on the phone with American Express 'cause I'm dealing with a bunch of shit and I'm arguing with them and then somebody I was talking to call me up and they're like, oh.
I'm like, I don't have fucking time. Fuck you. I, I have zero time. I just spent two hours on the phone with a telemarketer. I don't wanna talk to you anymore. So it's just like you're dealing with that shit. And I think a lot of times, because we're so accessible now because of emails and phone, you know, everything.
Your phone in your hand with you 24 7, it's like, bitch, I don't mean you have access to me. Exactly. So it's you. I'm dealing with a hundred other things and I wish I had the money to back up as busy as I was or as that bad as I am. Right. But like I'm trying to get there. Right. Because if I had the money, I wouldn't be as busy, I guess.
But also. What's the difference between the two examples, and I think it's really important to call up. We've been taught like, that's why a lot of people say, but I'm really good in work. I'm really great. Everything in my work life is perfect, but my relationships are shit. Or I really struggle in relationships.
That's because work is outcome driven. If I work really hard and I do what I need, I will get the result, right? Mm-hmm. If I do X, Y equals Z. Emotions aren't like that. Yeah. Emotions are, I have to hold capacity, I have to have space. So we all have something called a window of tolerance. And that's just our capacity.
And when I say bandwidth, our capacity, people don't get it. What that essentially means is like, let's say this is your window of tolerance. This used to be mine, where any slight inconvenience makes you either go hyper arousal, so super dysregulated, anxious, or hypo where you shut down. You can can't even handle anything.
Where we wanna be is in the window. That doesn't mean that we don't still go up and down. What that means is that if I go into hyper, I can say, Hey, whoa. I'm feeling dysregulated. I'm gonna go for a quick walk hand on my heart and my chest. Okay, I'm gonna do my breath work, I'm gonna come back to the present moment.
That doesn't mean that we don't still try to go above or below it. Mm-hmm. And so I think really what the biggest thing here is like in work, we can expand that window of tolerance. 'cause emotions aren't present. But the biggest work, like for instance, for both of us, let's say the avoidant and the anxious person.
If we're gonna talk in that kind of court, like that type of, uh, way for me, what would my work be? Let's say the same thing happens. I wanna call you and I'm freaking the fuck out. You're having a really bad day. For me, it would be, yo dude, you need to take a breath. You need to pause and you need to learn that not everything has to happen right this fucking second.
That person's going through an experience, don't internalize it. Mm-hmm. For you, it would be, Hey dude, that person's doing a bid for connection. This doesn't mean you need to retreat. You're allowed to be in this moment. You can set a boundary and show up for them later, but there's nothing wrong with them.
You're allowed to stay and be present. Mm-hmm. Both people have to do work. Both people have to learn how to come back into the window of tolerance. But if. But that's what I think takes time. Of course. Right? Like I think there's a lot of people out there who are like, well, I met you now we need to start dating.
I'm like, I, I wanna see how you operate with your friends. Yeah. With your family at work. What do you do? I mean, I'm not, I'm just using as example, but I have a friend of mine I've been friends with forever. She was dating a guy. She was engaged to him. And then found out he was doing, he had like an OnlyFans and he was Yeah.
With other guys and all this stuff. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And you, you about to, and she was with him for years. So I'm like, you never know what you're gonna get. So it's like, I, is it better to jump right into it? No, is right. Go slow. Yeah. 'cause why you jump in? Well, first of all, you played stupid games. You win stupid prizes.
So when you fucking rush into it, you can't be surprised. Yeah. But what ends up happening is when you rush into it, we're going based on oxytocin and dopamine. You're not actually building a foundation. So the example I gave you earlier with the girl that I had, now all of a sudden it's, but he dismisses me and he discredits me.
It's like, but where were we earlier when we didn't have hard conversations when you were trying to play the cool girl or guy? I'm sure you get a lot of the cool girl of like, I don't have any needs. I'm like, the representative. Yeah, I'm cool, man. It's like, whatever. I'm done. I, I don't have anything. And then you get into a relationship and you're like, this bitch is needy.
Yeah. It's the bait and switch. You're like, why didn't you show up as that? Yes. That's why we wanna go slow. I always say going slow is not an excuse for bad behavior. It doesn't mean I see you once a month. We talk once a month. Like, no, that's just not intentional. Going slow means, like you said, first date.
I just wanna see if I wanna have a second date with you. That's the only reason I'm here today. Second date. Just to see if I wanna have a third date. And I think a lot of people, they look at it as like the time and the clock and this, and it's like, actually you'll get into a relationship quicker if you go slower.
Mm-hmm. Because otherwise you're gonna have 30 dudes a month that you're cycling through and doing all that, versus the one that you're like, I'm gonna just see if we have something here and if we don't, I'll move on to somebody else. 'cause I'm making choices for myself and I'm letting my nervous system acclimate.
Yeah. So I know there's a lot of guys out there. I mean, I, I was just telling you about my nephew's 19, and then I got a couple other younger guys who come to the gym and they'll ask me questions. I'm like, listen guys, I'm not an expert. I'm probably fucked up more situations than I should have. Um, but when you hear a lot of girls talking online and being like, oh my God, it's terrible.
If a guy wants to take you on a coffee date, I go and I tell them, I go, in my opinion, a coffee date's good. It's like, I don't know this person. Yeah. I, I really. If I met somebody on the internet, internet or something, I'm not going through their bio, I'd rather hear it outta the horse's mouth. Right. So you want to talk to the person.
So for me, um, I'd rather get to know the person and if it feels good, let's do this again. But if you're, if it doesn't feel good, and now I'm sitting there for two hours, it's not even the money. Like, it's not even like I'm, I'll spend 500 hours Sure. Sit there and have dinner. It's the time. Yeah. Where you're sitting there and you're like, I don't wanna fucking be here right now.
Oh, I've made my fair share of videos that I've gotten yelled at by saying coffee dates to me. Like I'm tired of the high value woman and man thing like that is. Yeah. If my value comes from whether I go for coffee or dinner, then one, you're not ready for a real relationship if those are the issues that you're having.
Mm-hmm. Because once you're in a relationship, you've got real shit to worry about. Yeah. You've got real fucking things that are happening in life that I can't worry about if you took me out to dinner or not. What I see it as is I actually think you are more valuable by doing a coffee date. 'cause I'm saying my time is valuable.
Yeah. I don't have a lot of it. It's a finite resource. Right. We hear all the every day of like, Beyonce has the same 24 hours and it's like, bitch, I don't have her money and her resources. Right? Yeah. I got me. So with my 24 hours, here's what I'm going to use that for. And I would say this because I actually have a lot of guy clients.
The men love how direct I am. They feel like comfortable with it. And I say this like. You gotta show up as you are. And if somebody likes it, great. And if they don't, they can go fucking kick rocks without shoes. Mm-hmm. Because if I'm gonna go out with somebody and the girl is going to judge me because I ask her on a coffee date versus a dinner date, then that is not somebody I wanna be with because look what the rest of the fucking relationship is gonna be.
Yeah. They're judgmental, they're myopic, they're black and white, and they're looking at one thing. They wanna know how I can take care of them, and I'm looking for a partner, not a parent. I don't need, I don't need to date a child. I need to date a woman or a man that's on my level. So I think we need to, and that's what I mean by the rejection.
Like we're so terrified of rejection because then we're rejected for who we are. But yet you're not even showing who you are. Mm-hmm. So then you're rejected for this version and it's like, man, I'd rather you tell me you don't like me for me, then I can find people that do versus you don't like me for the version that I was and I wasn't even myself.
Mm-hmm. I think it's so important to right away show people who you are within reason. Of course, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, no, absolutely. I think like just letting people not pretending to be somebody else. Like I always say, sometimes you go on dates both ways, guys and girls. Yeah. And you get a representative, you get to like, alright, who does this person want me to be?
And that's who I'll be. And I'm like, that's terrible. Yeah. You're like, conveniently, like all the same music I do. Did you ever see, did you ever watch Trek? Of course. Okay. I think it was the Shrek iii. Yeah. The little kid do the roar. Yeah. And shreks just like, ah, do the roar. That to me is that projection of like, I'm here because you're gonna do what I think you are.
And I get that too. I've had people that will see me out in public and they stop me and they're like, oh my God, I love you, blah, blah. Can you like give it to me straight? And I'm like, dude, that. Like, I don't just talk in daily conversations. I'm not just fucking calling you on your shit by just saying hi.
How are you? Yeah. Yeah. And so there's this disillusionment of like, I'm still a human. I take a shit like anybody else. I put my pants on the same way I take a shower. I do all the same things that we do. We do what The differences between me and anyone else. The fucking choices that I make. The only difference, the reason I have a six pack.
'cause I show up every morning. This morning at six 30 in the morning. I was at my fucking Pilates class. Could I have slept in bed? Sure. Did I want to? No, I got my ass up and I did things. Something for future me. Mm-hmm. Because I need to think of future me. And that's I think where we've lost this art of thinking about, okay, if I go on this date, let's say hypothetically I go out with Kenny.
Okay. Am I gonna be okay if I sleep with him? No. I'm gonna get way too attached. I'm gonna feel really anxious. Okay. So then you know what? I need to make a choice for myself. I'm not gonna do that tonight because that doesn't work for me. Mm-hmm. That's a fucking adult. Yeah. That's an adult saying That doesn't work for me.
No, thank you. I think what's happening now culturally, so society, in society around the world is we wanna blame everybody else for all our shit. I even had this conversation with one of my clients this morning. She's very successful, has her own business and she's always like, well, you have to understand that some things are systemic and blah, blah, blah and all.
And I go, yes. But if we all had that mentality, we wouldn't be where we are today. There. Yeah. Somebody like when during 20 20, 20 21, you're, they're like, well, not everybody has bootstraps and blah, blah. I go, if everybody had that mentality, we'd all be in the fucking stone age, somebody. Right. And the more people we have around us who are lacing up our boots, going out there and doing more shit, doing hard stuff.
I don't wanna get up at five o'clock in the morning. No. Yes. I'd love to sleep in every morning, but I get up, I show up for my client, I show up for myself. I do it for the business. I do. You do hard shit. And in turn, something good comes out of it. Yeah. And I think that's why I always relate everything back to the gym.
It'll show you firsthand right away. If you are doing something hard, then good should come out of that. Yeah. You know, and I think nowadays we, we. Honor people. I mean, if, oh, everything. Like if you're the biggest piece of shit on the planet, you can make a ton of money from just being a low life. Well too like, but I think that the outcomes aren't what people think.
They're like, a lot of these people are fucking miserable. The most people are fucking miserable. Yeah. But it's also because at the end of the day, what you're describing is agency. Because if I can make a choice and I can choose something for myself, then I'm in control of my life. And that's really scary for a lot of people who have never had any control.
We have the perception of control. Mm-hmm. Like, I know you'll appreciate this analogy when we think about intellectualizing, like, are you familiar with the term? Mm-hmm. Yep. Right. So when we think about, I hear it all the time of what people are like. I've read every podcast and I've, I've read all the books, I've watched all the podcasts.
I know what, I've been in therapy. I've done it. But why am I not making changes? That's the same as if I said, read all about a deadlift, read everything that there is. You watched every video, and then the second you do it, you fucking take your back out. Yeah. Because you don't know what engage your core means.
You don't know what this means. You don't know what any of these terms mean. Yeah. Because when we think if you're just intellectualizing it all day, you're not actually using the muscle to do it. And the only way confidence comes because you do it, you realize you didn't die. Mm-hmm. And then you become confident.
And I have the same thing that you did where people say, you've always had these boundaries. And I'm like, you didn't know me 10 years ago in New York. Fucking any guy that walked hoping they're gonna choose me. Yeah. Because if I, if I do something, well, they're gonna like me. You, we can grow and evolve and change, but that's by the fucking choices we make.
There is no difference between me and you and anybody else besides that. Mm-hmm. That's it. Because I'm the same as you. I came from, I didn't come from a ton of money. I didn't come from a silver spoon. I had nothing. Mm-hmm. And I started everything because I had a fucking voice and I wanted to say something.
And what did I have to do? I had to learn to grieve. Mm-hmm. Because you cannot, you cannot be authentically yourself if you don't know how to grieve. 'cause you're gonna piss people off. You're gonna lose people. You're, I've had men I've dated that have called me difficult and I'm like. I actually just know I was gonna sell software and I lost the deal because I stood up to the guy because he tried to take advantage and I told him, I like wrote it out and I said, I'm done with this game.
Either you respect the boundary I set, or the deal is off the table. Yeah, sure enough, he emailed back, I don't like the tone that you gave. And I was like, then we're done here. I think strength comes from the broken, you know, it's something I, I put on shirts and stuff before because it, it's true. It's like I, I didn't become who I was until.
And I'm still trying to evolve, but until I've lost businesses, yeah. Till I lost my reputation. Like until you deal with really hard shit, I don't think you can be who you truly are. It's like Mike Tyson said, when you, you don't know who you are until you get punched in the face. Well, and that's, I think the issue is not enough.
People are getting punched in the fucking face. 'cause they're hiding kind of the phone, but they're not getting punched in the face. Yeah. Well I think also like, doesn't that also go into like doing hard things is how we learn. Because do you remember, I don't know about you. I don't remember any of the tests.
I did well in school. I remember the shit I fucked up. Yeah. I remember the stuff I messed up going, okay, we're never gonna do that again. Mm-hmm. I remember when I dated, I don't remember all the times that it was good. I remember going, I'm never gonna feel this way again. This doesn't feel good to me. I'm gonna make different choices.
And then when you do it and you're like, wow, wait, I'm still here. I didn't lose myself. Yeah. Then you do it again and you do it again. It's a muscle that you work. The first time you walk into the gym, do you have a six pack? No. But if you commit to that, you commit to yourself and you commit to the process and you release controlled the outcome.
You'll get what you hopefully want. So I just had a guy on the podcast a couple weeks ago who spoke at Strong this year. He has a book called Attributes, and basically what they did is they went through and tread to figure out like what makes a Great Navy seal. He's like a recruiter for the Navy Seals and just like dating, you are like, oh, he's smart, he's funny, he has money, she's cool, she has all these friends, or she has access to whatever.
None of that shit matters. Nope. It's how they bounce back from those things and how they work on patience and different things that really matter that will show up time and time again. Yep. And I think that's where people really mess up is they're like, well, I want this and I want that, and I think it should be like this.
And it's like, well, it's not like that. It's not. Yeah. Well that's even like when you think about, I mean, we're in that time now where it's like you get a participation award for doing anything. You get some, there's always some blah, blah, blah. I want it, but I want, it's like, you know what? I actually got a Nintendo so I could learn how to fucking lose.
You know, like I was playing the video games like, oh, I'm dead. That's it. Like there's no coming back. There's no another life. And I think it's interesting because what you described, what I hear is like the ability to bounce back. We always hear all the time in relationships, what's the most important conflict and repair, right?
You have to have conflict and repair, but they're missing something. Conflict is really important and so is repair, but regulate. You can't. 'cause if we have conflict, let's say you and I got into a big fight. Well, if we're not regulating, we're not gonna repair because then it's the same thing over and over again because we're living in that trauma.
And then the triggers. So if we had a big fight, we go home, we don't talk about it the next day, okay, it's fine. Everything's okay. What we wanna really look at is like, how am I able to come back to the present moment? That's my number one goal. Can I handle the ebbs but also receive the flow? 'cause I'm not used to that.
So I can handle the ebbs, right? Shit can go really bad and I know what to do. But then somebody says, Hey, I love that shirt on you. And you're like, oh, I it's on sale. And you're like, oh, I struggled to receive that as well. Because that goes against my core beliefs. Because if I actually have to believe there's nothing ever been wrong with me.
That maybe I just had some shit that happened when I was a kid. Mm-hmm. That there's, that I'm not fucked up, I'm not broken, I'm not that. I lose my identity to the reason I'm stuck and where I'm I am. Yeah. I'm losing the identity to the reason I'm not getting what I want. That actually gives me more power.
That feels really scary. One of the, one of my friends was talking about the other day, um, they were like, how do you handle some of the comments on social media? And I go, well, one, you have to understand where it comes from. Yes. But I think there's two different types of comments. One, I think, who was it? I think maybe Toby McGuire or something said it.
If I don't know you and you have an opinion of me, then I don't really care. Don't give a fuck what you say. Yeah. It doesn't matter because you don't know who I am. Now, nowadays, it's like somebody could cripple your career. I mean, it happened to me. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody says something about you that could be complete and utter bullshit.
Yep. And you'll suffer the consequences of it. And I don't, I hate that. Cancel culture shit. Like to me it's the worst possible thing that we've come up with in the last 50 years. Yeah. It's Gestapo mentality. Yeah. And I, and I tell everyone, I go, if you are okay with it, don't worry. Eventually the mob comes for you.
So if you are backing up the mob on something that like you don't even know the truth about, eventually you're gonna suffer the consequences of it too. And we've seen it, it's like Chris Cuomo, a ton of people have like suffered the same hand that they're slapping everybody else with, they get slapped with.
But anyway, so that idea that we should, um, you know. That people rally behind each other. I think that's what I'm really trying to lean into these days, is rallying behind someone who wants to do well, who wants to show up for themselves, who's helping other people. I think there's, there's so much going on nowadays in the world that.
It, it's just, I dunno. It's scary. It's scary to think what the hell. Oh, like what we're, what we're headed towards. We're fucked, first of all. Yeah. But I have very strict boundaries myself. Like, I don't, I, I very, very rarely engage in comments. I read a few, if I see something that's hurtful, you're blocked from my channel.
Like you no longer have access to me. I'm trying to build a community of growth of people that wanna be there. It's the same in dating. I don't need to convince you, like, here's the thing, everyone is welcome, but it's not my job to keep you. Yeah. And we have to remember that my lived experience isn't everybody else's.
And we seem to think like, well, you know, I did a video of, I'm gonna say what your therapist can't. And I went in and people, my therapist says that, and it's like, good for fucking you. Not everybody else has done. Yes. Yeah. I'm privileged, aren't I? Right. If I say the sky is green, or if I say, go out and stay on some, touch some grass.
Well, not all of us have grass. You're like, you know what? Not everything's for you. Yeah. And that's the same in dating and relationships. You're gonna meet plenty of people that aren't gonna fucking work for you. And you know what? I am tired of this. I, well, it was easier back in the day. No. You know, why is that why divorce rates are so high?
Is that why cheating was so high? People got married because of proximity and timing. 'cause I'm 22. Okay, fine. They, they're here, let's marry. Yeah. That's why there was all of this now. Well, it was the only direction. It was like, oh, you grow up, you get married. Go. That's it. Yeah. Now I think we, it's a double-edged sword.
We have so much information, but yet we know nothing. Mm-hmm. History. Now feelings are facts. Right? No, I, but I feel it. So that must be real. Yes. But we don't look at anything beyond that. And then we also, everything. Well, I feel that right? You disrespected me. I feel disrespected. But that doesn't mean you were mm-hmm.
Your feelings are valid, but it doesn't mean they're facts. Yeah. And I feel like we're losing sight of that. And I think if we can take anything away from the conversation, at the end of the day, your trauma, your bullshit is yours to fucking own. Your trauma is not mine to fix and mine is not yours to fix.
If you have shit, guess what? I get to make a choice and say I don't wanna deal with it. But it's not my job to try to fix it or change it. And we have got to be okay with that, that I could go out. I have dated my fair share, you know, some of my exes, I've dated my fair share of people that are perfect on paper.
And if you're not okay to lose them, you've already fucking lost yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I think you need to be comfortable alone. Here's, here's the stage I'm at in life. I'm 42 years old. Half my friends are married and some of them are very happy and some of them are miserable. And then I have another group of friends that are all divorced and now looking again, guys and girls.
And people are like, you are alone at 40. I go, well, I have friends who were not alone at 35 who are now alone at 45. Yeah. So it, I, I think this idea that like, there's this perfect way to live and it's so important to like fill one of these boxes or categories. You do what you gotta do. And I think when people have, if you are wasting your time, one of the things I tell everybody, if you, I say fitness could change the world because when you are working on yourself, when you're improving your own life, you're not worried about what everybody else is doing.
If you're like, Hey, I'm dating three guys right now, I'm fucking having a great time in la, I'd be like, awesome. Yeah, that's good. You are happy. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Right. There are so many people who are so worried about everybody else's lives and that's why there's so much angst and animosity and hatred.
Like, if you have the time to go and I follow 7,500 people on social media. I follow people who I know, who I like, the brands I like. I don't follow anybody I dislike or don't, you know, because what is it gonna do for me? One, it's only gonna R me up. Two, I don't leave comments because I, it's like leaving a fucking Google review.
It's just like you're a jerk off if you do. Um, unless it's something good, the five star, right? Yes, of course. A hundred percent. Dude, I went to a restaurant, I don't even wanna say which one in New York, and I went over there and everybody's like, oh my God, it's amazing. It's amazing. I went over there, food was terrible.
Service sucked. But I said, I go. It's just not for me. Right? It doesn't mean the restaurant's not good. Who the fuck cares what my opinion is? Why do you think I'm terrified of the, are we dating the same guy Facebook groups? I was gonna ask you about that. Okay. Like the tea and the, the, let's, let's do that for a second, right?
Please tell me your opinion. Do like understand the intention of them. Of course. Right? Like, no shit, I get the intentions of it, but wait a minute, I'm taking your fucking review of this person and I'm taking your word. I had a client, fucking client, man, and a girl posted him in there and he writes me and he's like, I went on one date with this girl and I told her I didn't wanna see her and she conflated it that I did all of these things.
And she was posting things and he like got in trouble with his job. And people are like, wow. God forbid men held accountable. And it's like, show me the fucking receipts. I want proof. Yeah. I don't just take your word for it anymore because we're no longer able to just do that. Yeah. 'cause I don't know who you are.
And I've gotten that a million fucking times. And I'll be honest, if I were posted in a group, I'm sure there would be something said about me of guys being like, she's crazy. She texts me a lot. Well, well, why do you think guys don't have. Pages like that? Well, I think, well, I mean think, I think it's a, a big thing is that women don't trust themselves and so they take the external validation and they wanna make sure I need certainty, right?
It goes back to the certainty of like, I wanna make sure this person's being honest with me. They're not lying. And it's like, okay, so here's the hypothetical. Let's say you and I are again, you were, you and I are dating now, let's say you and I are dating. We've had three dates. You're allowed to go out and date other people.
So if I see you in this group of a girl saying, he took me out and he didn't do this. Okay, but that's a projection, right? You're taking your insecurities. We're putting it onto this person now. Where does that play? Yeah, I've definitely seen like a, a client, I had found out her husband was cheating on her through the groups.
Like there was like five or six women that had come forward. Sure. Right? And of course you're like, yeah, you get that if he's married and Yeah, for sure. But that's the problem is there's no moderation. There's no mediation, there's no, I actually, I had a Facebook group when I started the podcast. I shut it down after 15,000 people because it got to this point where I was like, no, no, no.
Stop posting people's photos. Stop putting their fucking phone numbers. This isn't a talk shit. Because here's the thing, when you vent like that, when you talk shit and you complain and you vent and you do that, you're adding up to three hours of cortisol for every two minutes of venting. You are spiking your system.
Guess what? According to neuroscience, if I sit here and complain all day, my brain thinks I'm going through the experience. It doesn't know the difference between the two. So the more we sit there and we stalk the social and post 'em in all those groups and try to figure them out, and where are they? What you're doing is you're disconnecting, it's safer for me to focus on you than it is for me to focus on myself.
Yeah. Well. What one of my clients was telling me, she's like, oh, I saw you were posting. And I go, I don't give a shit what these lonely idiots say because anybody in there don't can say everything. I don't, I don't give a fuck what they're, because if I worried about what they're saying, I'm not worried about my own shit.
And, but here, here's, that's also a different experience. Here's different with her. This is my point, right? Let's say me and you go out on a date, we have a great time. We go home, we have amazing, whatever happens, happens. I go out with him. It's not as fun, right? And she's like, oh, well he did this. If I went out with you and then went out with him and I did the same thing for both of you, wouldn't you be like, wait, what?
Is this his shtick? Is this what he does every time? So why would you want the same thing? Why would you want the same treatment? Some, somebody else is gonna get a different response. I'm the, uh, one of the best things I heard in the last year was. You had the same mother and father. You didn't have the same parent.
Yeah. Right. Like different experiences. Yeah. Me and my brother, as much as we're similar, we're completely different. Same. My mother was different with me than she was with my brother. A hundred percent. Yeah. So it's like, why couldn't it be the same if a guy went out on a date with you and a guy went out on a date with another girl and they had two totally different experiences?
If somebody came to me, if some other guy was like, Hey, I went out with Sabrina, Bobby, you should never go out here. I'd be like. Now I'm gonna give it a try. No, no. I'll give it my, let me, lemme make my own. Yeah, because lemme make my own assumption What I hear with the women that put it in it. I don't trust myself.
I need other people to tell me, yeah, I need other people to validate this. I want, because the person that posted you, I'd sit there like, I hear this all the time. Why don't they like me? When we ask why questions? The neuroscience of consistently, why don't they like me? Why don't they wanna be with me? Why didn't this work out?
Why questions? If we reframe it to, I don't like why questions help disconnect. Why didn't Kenny wanna go out with me? What do I get to do? Avoid that? I feel shitty that he didn't wanna go out with me. Right? Yeah. Like, that's what sucks. But if I can figure it out, because your brain is trying to close the loop.
And so if he doesn't wanna go out with me, why? Why? Why? You see how I'm never getting finality versus I don't like that he didn't wanna go out with me. Okay. Why didn't I, it felt really shitty and I felt really small. Okay. Is this about him? No, not really. I close the loop. Yeah. Yep. So if we can reframe to that, and that's what I get from those fucking Facebook groups.
Again, I am not saying anybody in them is a problem, but that goes back to the casino thing, right? Are we blaming the gamblers or the pro, the place? I think it's both. And I think we've given a platform now to be able to judge people without really having any credentials to do so. Yeah. Well, so going back to the, like, even the restaurant reviews, I, being a small business owner, you know how hard it is.
You know how everything Oh yeah. Will affect your business. Yeah. So if somebody's talking about me or my business, or anybody for that matter, like I wouldn't go and write a review on somebody else's business because I don't want it to affect their ability to make money, to make a living for themselves.
Why would you wanna do that? It, it's so destructive to somebody else's livelihood. Well, they see it the opposite way, right? They see it as I'm saving other people from having this issue. That's so crazy. The martyr, right? Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, no, what you're doing is you're just showing me that you're insecure and that you don't trust yourself.
That's all. When I see it, I'm like, yikes. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm a secure woman who knows herself and who will be able to, because if I go out and go, eh, he's full of shit. This guy's fucking playing me. 'cause I know what I'm looking for. Yeah. At the same time, it's like you don't, yeah. You don't feel safe enough with yourself to make your own assumption, to be like, Hey, I really like this person.
Yeah. Like there are tons of people out there that people are like, oh, I hate them. I hate, I'm like, I like him. I think he's great. I think she's great. Whoever it is. I, I always treat people the way they treat me. How you show up for me might be different. You know, one of my best friends who's on television, people are like, he's a narciss.
He, he's this, he's that. I go, I get along great with him. I love him. You're like, in my context, it works. I'm not fucking him. I'm not dating person. Yeah. Yeah. I have the same, I'd be one. I'm like, you're not, we're not in a relationship with them. I don't care. I was saying the same thing about. Politicians.
Yeah. Right. Everybody's like, when they were talking about Cuomo, am I the biggest Cuomo fan? No, but they're like, oh, well he's going to treat women this way. I'm like, I'm not saying fuck the guy. Right. It's a Cooperman. Yeah. You're like, I didn't say date him. Yeah. But I can listen to the signs. I can listen to what he's saying.
Because what you're doing is you're holding two conflicting thoughts. Yeah, I can, I can say two things could be true. Two things could be true. Like I can say that I think you're really amazing, but I don't wanna date you. Yes. Those don't, those are not mutually exclusive. And that's the thing. But that also takes an evolved thinking that takes individualism.
Mm-hmm. That takes challenging your thoughts. It takes critical thinking. That's actually a huge sign of growth. Yes, a hundred percent. And I think that comes with time. I think that's why we're most of these people, we see protests and bitching and complaining are always like younger people. And the older people, I'm just like, they're fucking lost in four, but, or they've been doing it since they were 20.
Yeah. They have like no other life. But I go, two things can be true at the same time. I have a lot of friends who we don't agree politically or whatever it may be, but I go, I could still like them. Yeah. I could still hang out with them. I don't hate anyone for having their view. Do I think you're a fucking idiot for having some views?
Sure, sure. But like, I don't, I didn't agree with everything my parents do. Right. And I love them to death. But it's like, I think people need to come to this conclusion where it's like two things can be true at the same time. You don't have to agree with everything somebody says. You know, I was listening actually to, um.
The Bernie Sanders speech at the, uh, the inauguration the other day, and I did agree with him. I go, but I don't know how you implement it. He was saying that like the, the owner of Star or the CEO of Starbucks makes like a hundred million on a bonus or something, and all these other people are suffering.
I agree. That's fucked up. Like I think they should spread the wealth out. One of my nephews was working at, um, Amazon. Yeah. And I was like, what do you make at Amazon three an hour? He's like, I make like $16 an hour. I go, well, that's fucked because Jeff Bezos is worth 400 billion. I go, he's, that should be one of those jobs.
People get out of jail or distribute the wealth a little bit. Disperse it. Yeah. Yeah. But do I know how to implement that? No, I, I don't know how you take it from like, alright, this is a capitalistic market. I'd like to think that if I get to that point, I love sharing with my clients and or with my staff and stuff.
I want to give them the best possible life I could. At the same time, I'm still trying to make a living for myself and enjoying my own life. So do I think there's a, a threshold or a number that we should eventually get to where it's like, all right, distribute this a little bit more. I don't, do I think somebody needs a fucking 80 foot yacht?
No. But at the same time, you know, they worked on that. Okay. Um. But no, I'm so glad you brought up that thing about the, the Facebook, Facebook groups. I will die on that hill again. I, and it's not because I think anybody's right or wrong for it, I just think that it's really myopic. Yeah. And I think it's not being fair.
And I think we're preconceiving notions, right? Mm-hmm. That's the same as texting all the time. Before you meet up with this person, you are creating a false sense of intimacy. You're creating what you want them to be based on words on a screen, but you're not actually giving it tonality. Yeah. And I'll be real, if I had read that about Ryan, I'm sure he was a fucking slut when he lived in San Francisco.
He would sleep around. He was doing his thing. I could only imagine what women would've said about him, but it was different with me because I was what he was looking for. And it's a, it's right place, right time, time as well. They're not the right person. Let's, let's de debunk that before we hop off. What makes somebody right for you is that they're in your life at the right time.
Mm-hmm. I am so fucking tired of Right person, wrong time. Stop holding onto people longer than you need to hold onto them. They're out of your life because they're not the right time. Move the fuck on. Yeah. We hold onto it. Right. But, so there are definitely women that I've stayed in touch with or that'll.
Kind of walk outta my life and then come back in. Right. For instance, like my ex-girlfriend or is it you're still friends where I go? Yes, I do I ever see us dating again? No, but I, I like her as a person. Again, two things could be true. Yeah. I do like her. I care about her as a person. Do I want to date her?
No. Right. But at the same time, I think people need to stop being like, I hate this person because of what they did to me. That's my trauma. It's the absolute, that's my, yeah, that's my shit. Like whatever way we felt in that relationship, it's over. That's done with, we moved on. But you could still care about somebody.
You don't have to see, want to watch them burn. I think that's one of the wor worst things for people is like when they hold on to this, like, I wanna see this person, even people who screwed me over outta money outta business. You move on from it. When I lost Solace and I was going through all that shit in 2020, um, you know.
I had this point where I'm like, all right, I could hire a lawyer and go through all this bullshit, or I could just move on. The best thing I could have done move on was just move on. Oh, the energy that it gave, the energy, you're, you're keeping yourself back there. It's also meaning making. Right? If I can make you be, if.
Black and white. You bad? I'm good. Yeah, me bad. You're good, right? Yeah. And it's like, or we can blend it and make some gray that I can think you're like, or even with my ex, that, you know, he's a raging piece of shit and I was fucking unhealthy. Right? Like both of them can be true at the same time that we were the perfect storm together and that like, I want nothing to do with him.
I have no problem that I've never spoken to him in eight years. Yeah. Thank you. Do me the favor, but I have other people that I'm friends with because at the end of the day, holding the two conflicting thoughts is how you're gonna change your fucking life. Because I'm allowed to say I might be really this, but I can also be this.
Yeah, I really like this person, but I'm making a choice because you're giving yourself agency. And that at the end of the day is what we need to do. Date with a regulated nervous system and be in relationships where you make a choice and have agency and you'll change your fuck. You'll change your entire life.
What are three things you think that people need to hear in 2026 that will, uh, kind of improve their lives a little bit? Uh, they're an X for a reason, so please keep people where they belong, which is in the past. You have a lot more choices and agency than you think you do, and it's time for you to start to fucking believe in yourself, and you'll see it when you believe it.
I think we see it the other way around, and it's like, no, no, no. When you really believe in yourself and what you're doing and in the, in the, the, the goals and what you're actually achieving, you'll start to see it, but you're not going to if you don't actually believe that you're capable and worthy of, and deserving of it.
Because if I say I want a relationship or I wanna do all these things, but I don't genuinely believe I'm deserving and worthy of it, I will self-sabotage or self-protect my way out of it because I don't think I'm actually deserving and worthy. So if we wanna really get down to the bottom of it, here's two questions I want everyone to fucking ask.
Anytime something happens, how old do I feel? Start to get really curious of like, shit, I feel like I'm six. Okay. What happened when I was six? Start to get curious and where did I learn this from? Wow, it's gonna change your life. Where did I learn this from? That's my dad. Got it. Okay. Now let me work on that.
It's gonna change everything. I think it's impressive that you went out to LA and you've, you, you're thriving right now, but if you had to choose LA or New York, LA weather, New York is for the rest of it. The people in L in New York are unparalleled. The people in LA fucking suck. But what was, what was the harder place to date?
LA Right. I have to say New York was a little bit more fun because like, you could always meet new people. LA was this weird, like kind of fucked up. Like you'd have the best date ever. Like I remember leaving like, you have a nice goodnight kiss. The person's texting you after that, they can't wait to see you again.
And you're like, great. Right. This is gonna be great. You never see that person again. Or like the guy then texts like the wrong girl. And it was, and I was like, okay. There's just things like that, that you're like, you almost feel like you're taking crazy pills or here I feel like people are a little bit more blunt and direct of like, Hey, this was fun, but I'm not interested.
And you're like, okay, well thank you so much there. They'll say, fuck you behind your back here. They say it to your face. Better food. New York all day. Yeah. LA's garbage with food. And then what's your food? What's your, uh, what's your workout? Routine right now? Like what are you doing self, self care wise?
Um, self-care wise, I got my red light. I've got my PMF mat, I've got a sauna, my vibration plate. That's like the basics. I do my therm, my NormaTec boots. But I work out five days a week. I do Pilates twice. You actually, when we did the event, uh, int, uh, 2020 right before, right when, right before COVID. Yeah.
I'll never forget you looked at me and you're like, you need to lift some weight. You're like this little Pilates body. You're like, you need to fucking put on some actual muscle. Yeah. Started lifting after that. Thank you. There we go. Ladies. You heard it here first. I live three times a week. I got that ass for days and like yeah, I, I was watching one of your stories on that.
You were talking. Oh, I, I'm, I think fitness because fitness is just as uncomfortable as everything else in life. And if I can move through that and I can find some peace in that, then I can find some peace in the un in like the really uncomfortable parts of life. Love that. Where could everybody find you?
The Sabrina Zohar show, if you wanna look at more stuff. Um, it's available on all the platforms. And then Sabrina dot Zohar as well. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in. Uh, like, subscribe, share with the friend. Uh, we got pretty vulnerable here, so hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did. As always, we're powered by Celsius, we're wearing Vori and we're getting strong.
So 2026 is yours. Just take a hold of it, get strong. I'll see you guys soon.