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That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.
Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.
Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.
If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.
You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't. And then we do it anyway. I'm Tracy Willingham, and you might know me as that hormone girl. In today's episode, we're staying loud and raising a little help by talking about ladies don't rage, they repress. Welcome to the first episode of That's Not Very Ladylike.
Tracey:I am so thrilled you're here. I am so excited to be doing this and I really hope we can have some kind and honest conversations together and so I'm just I'm all in and I'm ready to go. So let's just jump into today's topic which is Ladies Don't Rage, They Repress. So I almost called this episode I'm Fine because that's like the national anthem of women especially who are secretly furious. So we say I'm fine, I'm fine.
Tracey:I'm fine. All those different tones and usually what that means to the person who is with us it means back away slowly. And you can probably ask a lot of people in relationships probably a lot of men that when they hear I'm fine it is anything other than fine. So we clean the kitchen angrily at midnight. We start slamming cabinets just loud enough to be heard but not loud enough to actually start a fight.
Tracey:I love to grip the steering wheel when I'm driving and so we call that managing our emotions. So ladies don't rage right? We simmer, we internalize and sometimes we even take on the thing that made us angry like it's our job to fix it. I've done that so many times and I'm like this isn't even mine to own but I take it on. And so the truth is repression is not regulation.
Tracey:It's just a prettier word for suppression and our bodies are always going to cash the check that our politeness writes. So let me tell you about one of my own I'm fine moments. A few years ago I was in a work meeting and I made a suggestion and it was shut down by a colleague and I mean hard shut down and really unnecessary language to shut it down. Like I thought it was brilliant. You don't have to but maybe let's not be so harsh.
Tracey:And then later that day I attended a meeting where people of influence were attending and you know what I mean insert any of the last names in your community that carry the clout and respect whether they deserve it or not and here comes my idea from earlier that day out of someone else's mouth and they even did it word for word. And everyone started using words like brilliant, that's outside of the box. There was even clapping and what did I do? I smiled and I secretly burned with rage because that's what ladies do. So then I spent the rest of the day replaying the moment in my head like a crime scene, wondering if I should have said something.
Tracey:And I answered myself with these statements. Don't make it awkward. Don't be that woman. Keep it professional. At least another woman shared it, right?
Tracey:Advancement for all women. Sisterhood lives to see another day. And then that night I went home and unloaded the dishwasher like it had done something to me personally. My husband's breathing was too loud and intolerable. My mind was racing and I was tossing and turning more than even getting any sleep.
Tracey:And so the next morning I woke up with a knot in my shoulder that felt like rage trying to escape through my back. And when I walked into work my colleague looked at me dead in the eyes and said I really appreciated you backing my brilliant idea in the meeting yesterday. Commence this deep internal scream instantly seeing red and seriously like ringing in my ears like a bomb just went off. And then I remember thinking is this what being ladylike gets us? So maybe you've been there too maybe your version is biting your tongue at a family dinner saying no worries when there actually were in fact several worries and we call it emotional intelligence but sometimes it's just emotional imprisonment with a smiley face sticker.
Tracey:So let's talk about how deep this programming goes. So from day one little girls get praised for being good and we learn and that translation becomes you didn't make anyone uncomfortable today. Great job suppressing your entire nervous system. And think about it we get Barbie dolls that smile permanently even when they're laying naked in a toy bin she's still smiling. We get Disney princesses who sing their frustrations into a bird friendly melody and then while that's happening boys get to break things.
Tracey:Males chest bump and throw punches and they call it leadership potential and society justifies that as power. So by adulthood women can write full novels in the language of passive aggression. Am I right? I mean it's a second language for a lot of women. Oh no worries.
Tracey:Oh I'm just tired. Well I didn't want to make a fuss. So here's the ironic part. Our biology as women does not care about etiquette. Your body still has to do something with that anger and when you swallow it your cortisol spikes.
Tracey:Your heart rate goes up, your digestion slows down, inflammation will party like it's 1999. Shout out to all my Prince lovers. You can slap on essential oils all you want but even your liver still feels how deeply pissed you are. So maybe that's why women have perfected the rage whisper, and you know what that is. You know that low hiss you use when you're furious, but you're still polite enough to whisper yell.
Tracey:Could you just stop breathing so loudly? Said just like that. Or what about the statements that can trigger so many of us? Can you just calm down? Why are you getting so worked up?
Tracey:Oh, it must be that time of the month. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Doctor. Gaslight. I didn't realize emotional expression was a medical condition.
Tracey:So we laugh but it's survival because our anger was never seen as safe not for us and especially not for anyone around us. And yet anger is information. It's the dashboard light that says boundary breached, value violated. So ignoring it, it doesn't make us evolved. It really makes us exhausted.
Tracey:So we're gonna flip the script and I want you to think about some of these things. What if rage isn't the opposite of grace? What if it's the engine of it? What if rage isn't the opposite of grace but the engine of it? Grace that never gets angry eventually becomes losing yourself in politeness.
Tracey:Your anger is not dangerous unexamined anger is. The kind you stuff down until it leaks out sideways as sarcasm or a migraine or I don't know why I'm crying. I'm just tired. So let's consider this for a second. When a man gets angry, we call it passion.
Tracey:When a woman gets angry, we call it hormones. We literally medicalize emotion. That's like labeling assertiveness as a symptom. So what if we stop diagnosing ourselves every time we feel righteous anger? What if the next time you felt that rise in your chest instead of saying calm down you said to yourself hey I get to feel this and I don't have to apologize for it.
Tracey:So here's something that I try now when I feel that rage I love to call it sacred rage is I name it out loud, not at someone, but just into the room. It can be so easy as being like, I'm really mad right now. I'm really raging right now. It's simple, it's honest, and it takes the shame out of it. Because I think sometimes the bravest thing we can do is not fix it.
Tracey:It's just to start by feeling it and acknowledging it. And sometimes you don't even need a solution. Sometimes if you can just feel it and say it, that feeds the hurt and the pain that is lying under that rage. We don't have to swallow it but we don't have to fix it either. We can just acknowledge it.
Tracey:And I know someone listening is thinking okay Tracy lovely idea but really I can't rage at my boss, my partner, my kids and no you can't and you shouldn't. Like you know I want to acknowledge this rage has the right to live and it has the right to come out but we also need to use it appropriately. But you can stop turning that rage inward. You can move it so you can walk. Maybe you pick up boxing.
Tracey:Maybe you scream sing in the car. Write the email and never send it. Maybe you can just give it oxygen so it doesn't become a disease. Because nothing says I'm managing my anger like developing heartburn and calling it self care. We're so, so good at that, calling it self care.
Tracey:I want you to think about that rage is just an unspoken truth with nowhere to go. So let's give it a healthy destination. So this week, here's what I want you to work on. I want you to notice one thing. Where does your body tighten when you're holding something in?
Tracey:Is it in your jaw, in your chest, in your neck, in your gut? And what would happen if just once you didn't swallow the rage down? And if you said the thing kindly and clearly before it erupted? And what harm are you causing yourself for the sake of keeping everyone else comfortable? Because that's what we do as women.
Tracey:I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so I'll make myself uncomfortable. What is the real cost of being society's version of ladylike? And why is someone else's comfort worth more than your right to feel and say how you feel? So maybe maybe it isn't rage that makes women scary, doesn't make us unhinged. Maybe it's what makes us real human beings.
Tracey:Because ladies don't rage, they repress. But guess what? Not us. Not anymore. We're learning to listen to the fire before it burns us down.
Tracey:We're learning that expressing anger doesn't make us monsters. It makes us human in the same way men already get to be and that's the most unladylike thing of all Thanks for joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice, and help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl. And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.