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On this episode of The Lead On Podcast, Jeff Iorg, president of the SBC Executive Committee, shares what adults who grew up in ministry homes say their parents did well. He highlights open communication, prioritizing family, shielding kids from unnecessary conflict, involving them wisely in ministry, and modeling a genuine love for God and people.
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Ready to hone your leadership skills and unlock your full potential? Tune in to the Lead On Podcast, where Jeff Iorg dives deep into Biblical leadership.
Hosted by SBC Executive Committee President Jeff Iorg, this dynamic podcast provides insight for seasoned executives, aspiring leaders, or those in ministry who are simply passionate about personal growth. The Lead On Podcast offers actionable, practical tips to help you navigate the complexities of ministry leadership in today's ever-changing world.
From effective communication and team building to strategic decision-making and fostering innovation, each episode is packed with valuable lessons and inspiring stories to empower you on your leadership journey.
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Welcome to the Lead On Podcast. This is Jeff Iorg, the president of the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention, talking with you once again about practical issues related to ministry leadership. I ran into someone a few days ago out speaking in a conference and he said, how do you get new ideas for the podcast? And I said, well, they come from a lot of different places. One of them is they come from listeners.
Jeff Iorg:So he asked, well, how do I send in an idea? I thought, well, I'll just repeat it again on the podcast and I want you to send me your ideas. You can email them to me at jorge@sbc.net, and you don't have to have a full blown idea. Just send me a sentence or two and say, hey. I'm interested in this thought or this idea or this concept and wonder if you'd ever do a podcast on it.
Jeff Iorg:I'd like to hear from you, so let me know what you'd like to hear and we'll see if we can put it onto the rotation. Well, today, wanna talk about this theme, what my ministry parents got right.
Jeff Iorg:What my ministry parents got right. One of
Jeff Iorg:the myths that really frustrates me is when people say, well, the ministry is toxic for children or hazardous to families. That's nonsense. Now it can be, but so can being a truck driver or a or a dentist or or or a football coach. Any occupation, if it becomes consuming or is done in an inappropriate way, can become toxic to the family that's impacted by those choices. Ministry, however, does not have to be a negative experience for children.
Jeff Iorg:And so what I did a few months ago was I talked to some children who are now adults that are either committed Christians or engaged in ministry themselves, and they all had one thing in common. They grew up in the home of ministry leaders. And not just in the home of ministry leaders, but in the homes of people who had devoted their lives to ministry leadership. I had one person that grew up in a pastor's home, some others that grew up in international missionary home. I had another one that grew up in a person who worked more in denominational roles and another one that worked in more pastoral roles as well.
Jeff Iorg:So I had four or five people that
Jeff Iorg:I talked to representing four or five families.
Jeff Iorg:All of the children that I talked with were all adults, all Christians, and most of them engaged in ministry. And the commonality is they all grew up in ministry leaders' homes. And in fact, in most cases, they grew up in ministry leaders' homes where the people were leading organizations or leading larger churches or leading in things that really were making a significant impact. So what did those children tell me when I asked them this question? What did your ministry parents get right?
Jeff Iorg:And I'm hoping that those of you who are listening to me today that are ministry parents will take heed of what I'm about to say and understand that you have the opportunity to get these same things right, and by doing so, make a real impact in the lives of your children. Well, here are some things that they told me. The first person I interviewed said this, I really appreciated that my ministry parents always allowed open communication in our home. I always felt like there was nothing I couldn't ask. There was nothing I could say that would make me feel judged.
Jeff Iorg:I had a lot of questions and doubts or concerns, especially when I was moving through the teenage years. And my parents were always willing to listen to me, to engage me in my conversations without judging me, and really without attacking me in the confusion that I was living through. And when they didn't know the answer to something, they didn't try to fake it. They just said, I I don't know the answer to that. Or if I asked some really troubling question and they said they would often say, you know, that's a hard one, and here's how I've worked through it, but you may have some new ideas or some different input that you wanna give.
Jeff Iorg:My parents encouraged that kind of open communication. And just because I was a ministry kid didn't mean I had to have all the answers or that I couldn't ask probing questions or things that even revealed some doubts or concerns. And another thing this person told me was my parents didn't expect perfection from me. I
Jeff Iorg:was allowed to be normal. I was allowed to
Jeff Iorg:be a normal kid. I didn't have to be a perfect ministry kid or a perfect ministry family. I could be myself. And as I started moving on through the late teenage years, this gave me confidence that I could attempt to do ministry as well even knowing my imperfections. In fact, this particular person went on to not only be in ministry, but to become a pretty significant ministry leader herself.
Jeff Iorg:And she said, I got a lot of confidence to do that because my parents gave me the freedom to not be perfect when I was younger and to learn that that was okay and I could grow through that. Another one of these persons told me that one of the things their parents got right was modeling being out in the community and loving people. She said our whole world was not the church. My parents showed us that we didn't have to be afraid of the community or fear lost people. My parents modeled and encouraged us to love lost people, and they modeled for us how to welcome them into our lives and even into our home.
Jeff Iorg:Our parents had lots of friends who were not part of our church, and while they were seeing that mostly as an opportunity for outreach, they still had meaningful friendships that they developed in the community, some of which went on for years before there was any fruition for the gospel in
Jeff Iorg:the lives of these people they were befriending. When I saw my parents
Jeff Iorg:do this, it gave me confidence to develop relationships with my friends who were not yet Christians and to invest my life in theirs and to see what a difference it could make as I had these kinds of legitimate and realistic friendships with people who were not yet Christians. And she said it this way, this kind of relationship built into me a love for lost people, and it gave me a continual reminder of why we were ministry as a family and what we were really all about. It wasn't just about the church or supporting the institution of the church or building the organization of the church. It was really about lost people. And it was about getting gospel to them and building relationships with them and making friends with them and involving our lives with theirs so that
Jeff Iorg:we had a legitimate opportunity to bring influence for the gospel to them. Another
Jeff Iorg:person told me, when my parents got this very much right, they prioritized our family over the ministry. This person said, I never felt like the ministry got in the way of our family time. I always felt that my parents actually used the flexible but demanding schedule of ministry to our advantage so that they structured their time so they could be more involved in our lives. And this person said, you know, my my parents were involved in, coaching in our teams and volunteering in our schools, and they made sure that we had time for meals together even if it was just maybe one meal a day like breakfast or one meal a day and the next day like dinner, but there was always at least one time of the day when we got together to eat and talk about our day. Because my parents had this kind of flexibility in their schedule, you know, they worked a lot of days and they worked a lot of nights, but in late afternoons and early evenings, they would often be involved in school activities with me or participating in things that I was doing in after school activities.
Jeff Iorg:And and that made it possible for us to have those meaningful connections in those time frames. So while they didn't work a traditional schedule like a lot of other people's parents did, my parents didn't whine or complain about the difficult schedule they had or the challenging schedule they had. They just worked the schedule for the benefit of our family, and so they could make sure that they were really invested in my life as well.
Jeff Iorg:They prioritized family. You know, all
Jeff Iorg:of us face this challenge, don't we? We we have ministry demands and we have family demands. And prioritizing family doesn't mean that you spend more time with your family than you spend in your ministry. It's not a time quotient thing. It's a prioritization thing.
Jeff Iorg:And so you may work eight, ten hour days, but if you've got that window of time in the morning or that window of time in the afternoon that you block out and make sure the family gets some time with you, and especially in priority things that are important to family members, not priority things that are important to you, then you're prioritizing family, and it doesn't become a sense that where children feel like they're competing for that time. Another point that was made in these interviews, a person said, My parents made church, quote, not boring. It was a place we wanted to go, and we wanted to bring our friends. It was relevant in our lives. We saw church as something that was living and vibrant and dynamic.
Jeff Iorg:It wasn't just something we did out of obligation, it was something we did because it was a part of life, it was vital and encouraging and invigorating, and we we wanted to be a part of it. So since we wanted to be a part of it, why wouldn't our friends wanna be a part of it just like our family was? And then I love this part. She said, another thing that they did well, while they made church not boring and they made church invigorating and relevant and it was a part of our lives and we enjoyed enjoyed it, they also didn't force us to do everything at church or be best friends with every single teenager who came to
Jeff Iorg:our church. Now I wanna talk about this for a minute because this is one of
Jeff Iorg:the things that we did, and it was hard at first, but we realized that it was wise, and we pressed through and accomplished it with our kids. We made the decision when our oldest son was about fifth grade that he did not have to participate in everything that our church offered for people in his age group. And the crucial moment of this came when my son said he wanted to quit children's choir. He said, dad, I I I don't like it. I don't wanna be a part of it.
Jeff Iorg:I think it's kinda childish, honestly, and I
Jeff Iorg:just don't wanna do it anymore. Well, that was pretty hard for his mother to hear because his mother's best friend was the choir director. So here we have our
Jeff Iorg:fifth grade son, pastor's son, wanting to quit children's choir because he felt like it was childish, immature, something he didn't enjoy. He just want didn't wanna be a
Jeff Iorg:part of it. Now it was hard, not so much because of what he was saying,
Jeff Iorg:but because of the relationships that we had with the choir director and particularly with his mom and the choir director. But we got through that little difficulty and decided, all right, we're gonna let him stop children's choir. And he made it clear, dad, I I I don't wanna quit church. I I I don't wanna quit going to church. I don't wanna quit going to other things at church, but this is just not me, and I just don't wanna do it anymore.
Jeff Iorg:That was a good decision that we made. You know, our children are just like everyone else at church. They have some things they enjoy, some things they don't enjoy, some things that they wanna participate in,
Jeff Iorg:some things they don't. And every family has to draw these lines, and I wouldn't even attempt on the podcast today to tell you where those lines have to be for your family. But I would challenge the assumption that every child has to participate in every activity or every event that comes along at church. You know, there were some times as our kids got into middle school and in high school especially that on that weeknight youth event night, usually Wednesday night in our church, they would say, hey, I've got a chemistry exam tomorrow or I've got a paper due, man, I just can't
Jeff Iorg:I just can't do it tonight, dad. They'd stay home and work on that. Now that wasn't a weekly thing,
Jeff Iorg:it wasn't a common thing, but it happened from time to time. And when it did, we just simply said, hey, we get it. No problem. Now fortunately, our church had those programs, designed in such a way that they were so appealing that our kids actually worked hard at getting their work done so they could mostly be a part of those kinds of activities as teenagers. But sometimes they didn't, and we said that was okay.
Jeff Iorg:So when I interviewed this person, that's what she said. You made church not boring. You made it a place we wanted to go. You made it something that our family would participate in, and we'd want our friends to come with us. But you also didn't force us to do every single thing or to be friends with every single person, and you recognized you recognized that just like everybody else at church, we had some aspects of it that weren't as appealing to us as other aspects, and you let us do some picking and choosing.
Jeff Iorg:Well, another person that I interviewed said, you know, the thing I most appreciate about my parents was they loved God. They really did, and we saw it in their lives. They really loved God. They they read his word. They prayed to him.
Jeff Iorg:They served him and talked openly about the transformational work of the gospel in their lives. They were real Christians in front of us. And this person said, you know, my mom and dad were the same person everywhere. Man, what a high praise that is. And then she went on to say, and not only that, but my parents also loved each other.
Jeff Iorg:They had a really deep and meaningful love affair going on between the two of them. They laughed together. They spent time together. They enjoyed each other's company. When they had fights, conflicts, difficulties, they worked them out because they really did deep down love each other.
Jeff Iorg:And we saw that and we said, Man, they're genuinely in love with God and they're genuinely in love with each other. Out of that, they want to serve in ministry together. Man, we want to be a part of that. Because we saw our parents really loving God and really loving each other, it was really easy to love what they loved and to be a part of what they were a part of, and to want to be a part of that in the right kind of way, to not be resistant toward that or or or even rebellious about it or even to disappoint them in it. Now, there's some lines there you have to be careful that you don't cross, but this this girl said, my brother and I had a really, really positive viewpoint on ministry because of what we saw our parents modeling in our home and who they were and what that meant.
Jeff Iorg:They said it was very natural then because they loved God and they loved each other that they just really loved other people too. That became sort of the centerpiece, if you will, or the the essence of ministry for us is really loving people just like we saw the love expressed in our home. So, man, this is a great pattern, isn't it? That these people saw in their ministry parents, people who loved God, loved each other, and out of that loved other people. And then the kids said, We just wanted to be a part of that.
Jeff Iorg:We saw how healthy it was, and we just wanted to be a part of that.
Jeff Iorg:Well, I interviewed another person. He said, Here are some thoughts about what my parents did well. The first thing he said was, they never pressured me to consider the ministry. Now he said they they made it an option for me, and
Jeff Iorg:they told me what it would mean to follow the Lord into ministry, but they very clearly, from my early years, helped me to see that I had lots of options out there and it was more important for me to find and follow God's will for my life than to succumb to any kind of pressure to go into ministry just because my parents were in ministry. They never pressured us toward ministry. They encouraged us to seek God's direction for our lives. But then when I started expressing that I thought God was calling me into ministry, they they were supportive but didn't go overboard. They didn't immediately say, oh, well, of course you will.
Jeff Iorg:We've been waiting for this. This is the perfect thing. We've dreamed of We've been dreaming of it all our lives. No.
Jeff Iorg:They said, no. We're grateful for that, but
Jeff Iorg:let's take it step by step and let you walk it out slowly and fully understand what God is doing in your life, and then follow him into ministry if he's leading. Now, this same person said that one of the things he really admired about his ministry leader parents growing up is they were very careful to not talk negatively about difficult people or church situations or to bring too much of the negative side of ministry into life when he was really too young to process what that meant. They were very careful to not let that happen. Now, there's kind of a bit of a balance here. I I I know there's something about being honest with your children or letting them know what's happening in life, and I I get all of that.
Jeff Iorg:But frankly, this is something that I tried to do as a parent, that is I tried to shield my children from some of the difficult or some of the darker sides of ministry. And there were a number of times over the years when my wife had to go in our bedroom, shut the door, and talk over a church problem, but we didn't wanna talk about it in front of our children. We did not want our children to be exposed to too much of the ugly side of ministry or the difficult side of ministry because, frankly, they didn't have the spiritual maturity to handle it. They didn't have the emotional framework to deal with it. They didn't really understand how to compartmentalize or separate what might be going on in church with how that might be impacting our family or how they might perceive that being per personalized to me or to their mom.
Jeff Iorg:And so we worked hard at this as a family to not deny there was negativity or difficulty, but to be sure we talked about it in the proper context. And then as our children got a little older and and they learned about some of these things or they asked about some of these things, we didn't deny it or hide from it. We very openly and very clearly talked about these problems as it was appropriate in that context. But this person said, one of
Jeff Iorg:the reasons that I grew up
Jeff Iorg:with a healthy view of ministry was that I wasn't exposed to the negative side too soon. Now, he would go on to tell you that later on in life, he he was exposed to the negative side and he was able to go to his parents and say, what just happened? And they said, well, we've been through some things like that. Let us help you. And so this became a time when they were able to talk about the negative side of ministry, and it was very helpful to him.
Jeff Iorg:Another thing this person said, which is something I've already covered on the podcast, they said this person said, my parents did not act one way on Sunday and different ways during the week. They were authentic. They loved God and loved each other, and they acted one way at home and the same way at church, and I saw it for what it was, authenticity, integrity. And it made me respect them and wanna be like them. And then the final thing this person said was, I liked growing up in a ministry home because my parents really enjoyed ministry.
Jeff Iorg:He said they they had some downtimes, I'm sure, and I'm sure some hard times, but they mostly enjoyed what they did. They spoke openly of, their love for their for the church. They spoke mostly positively about church people in our presence. They were grateful and appreciative for things the church did for them and for our family, and they were constantly reminding us that being in ministry was a great privilege, and being able to serve God's people was an honor. And so because of that, we grew up kind of thinking the same thing.
Jeff Iorg:Well, a couple of more people here. I interviewed another person who said, you know, it was really good for you to ask me this question because it caused me to reflect on some of the positive aspects of what it was like to grow up
Jeff Iorg:in a ministry family. He
Jeff Iorg:said, one of the things my parents did well was they communicated often that they supported us and that they loved us. This particular person grew up in a missionary family, and so for a period of time, she was away in a boarding school. And she said, I remember one day over the phone when I was struggling, my mom said, if you really need me, all you have to do
Jeff Iorg:is say so, and I'm on my way today. I'll be there for you. And she said that hearing just those words gave me the confidence to say, well, mom, thank you, but if we can
Jeff Iorg:just talk here for a few more minutes, I think I'll be all right. I'm gonna make it. But I knew I knew my mom really meant that, that she would drop everything and come if I really asked her to. She loved me. She supported me.
Jeff Iorg:And sending me to boarding school for part of my education while we worked overseas was really hard for her just as it was for me. But what got us through that was this deep love that we had for each other and the fact that I knew if I asked her to, she would drop everything and come immediately to help me in those moments. My parents really loved us, and not just loved us, but said they loved us and then communicated that love by their actions. Another thing this person said, which another person also said, which I kind of skipped over earlier, was our parents just naturally involved us in ministry, in small ways, really kind of from the beginning. They would let us, help prepare curriculum.
Jeff Iorg:They would let us help work out flyers. They would let us help folding bulletins. They would ask, do you want to go up to the church with me when they had to run an errand or something. They involved us in ways that were meaningful to us in ministry. Then when they did something caring or nice for someone, if we prepared a meal and took it to their home, or if we went to visit someone who was sick or who needed some encouragement and it was appropriate for a child to tag along, my mom or dad took me with them and let me participate in the moment of ministry with them, especially praying with people or giving people small gifts or words of encouragement that kept them going.
Jeff Iorg:So she said, it really meant a lot to me. And this other fellow earlier that that I already talked about, he said the same thing. It really meant a lot to me that my parents let us be involved in their life and involved in their ministry in small ways, sort of even from the very beginning.
Jeff Iorg:Another thing that's already been said, which this this person also reiterated, was that
Jeff Iorg:our home was a place that people felt welcome. We felt welcome we we were encouraged to bring our friends to our home. We didn't have a lot, but my mom always made sure that we had an extra few extra cookies that we could share or some extra refreshment that we could give. If we brought someone home unexpectedly, we weren't ever disciplined for that or told not to do that because the house might not be in perfect order or anything like that. In our home, our parents wanted it to be welcoming to their friends, but they made sure that it was also welcoming to our friends.
Jeff Iorg:And so it became a place where young children came and played with us when we were younger. Then as we got a little older, teenagers would hang out. And by the time we got in high school, it was kinda like the gathering place. We had that kind of a a a home where we recognized that things didn't have to be perfect to be hospitable. And my parents modeled this and made us want to be a part of involving people in our lives and in our home because of that.
Jeff Iorg:Well, I got one more for you, and this one's a little different. I interviewed one person who is today a pastor. He's lived
Jeff Iorg:a life of commitment to Jesus all all through the growing up years and into his college years and on into ministry. Never any serious open rebellion, anything like that. Today is a pastor of a substantial church and is a thriving, healthy ministry leader, happily married, has his own family, and his children now in their teenage years also love God and are pursuing him. So there's a lot
Jeff Iorg:of health surrounding this situation. But when I
Jeff Iorg:asked this man to answer the question, what did your parents get right? Because I knew his mother and father had also been in pastoral ministry. But I asked this person particularly because he grew up in a situation where while he was a teenager, where his father went through a forced termination, a very ugly,
Jeff Iorg:bitter, difficult church conflict.
Jeff Iorg:And now that time has gone by, it's become very clear that the church was entirely in the wrong in how they handled the situation. My friend that I interviewed that lived in that context made it through all
Jeff Iorg:of that turmoil that lasted for about two to three years when he was a a high school student, came through with his faith intact, with his commitment to ministry present, and eventually, after he moved on through school, became himself a pastor. So I asked him, what did your parents get right? And he said, well, the most important thing is that my dad modeled character and integrity. He really practiced what he preached. And when I saw some Christians in a church turn on him and treat him in really, really harmful ways, He never lashed out.
Jeff Iorg:He never became bitter or angry. He was deeply wounded, and it hurt our family in some very, very significant ways. But my dad, through it all, maintained his devotion to Jesus, his clear commitment to saying yes to God's call to ministry in his life, and modeled character and integrity through it all. And he also taught me that no matter how some people act, people matter, that God loves people. He expects his leaders and ministers to love people,
Jeff Iorg:and that when they behave in unseemly kind of ways,
Jeff Iorg:that it's a test of our love, not an excuse to act unloving toward them.
Jeff Iorg:He also said, the other thing I respected about my parents is they followed the Lord, listened to God's call,
Jeff Iorg:and served where he assigned, and admit mostly in small churches.
Jeff Iorg:But they were content to do that. They were content to preach the gospel, build people, strengthen churches. They never were looking for a promotion or a raise or a bigger
Jeff Iorg:opportunity. They prayed, sensed where God wanted them
Jeff Iorg:to go, and invested their lives there. And even when, the worst of the worst happened to our family, my dad continued to show the value of the church by leading our family to find a church home where we could be meaningfully involved while he was going through a healing process and then ultimately moving back into ministry in a different context.
Jeff Iorg:Man, what a gripping story.
Jeff Iorg:A man who is today a pastor and has been now for probably about fifteen years, telling how his parents got some things right in the midst of some really ugly, difficult, I'll just say it,
Jeff Iorg:dirty experiences in ministry.
Jeff Iorg:And then I asked this fellow or this fellow said one last thing to me. He said, and the last thing is this.
Jeff Iorg:My dad taught me that I can make a difference in this world, that I can share the gospel, see people's lives transformed, build a church that impacts the community, and I can make a real difference in this world.
Jeff Iorg:And he wrapped up that interview by saying, and I guess more than anything, I want my kids to love the church and love the Lord as much as my parents taught me to do that. Wow. Well, what my ministry parents got right. I interviewed four or five people who are all in ministry today, all thriving as adults working in various ministry capacities who all have one thing in common, they grew up in a minister's home. A missionary's home, a denominational leader's home, a pastor's home.
Jeff Iorg:They grew up in these kinds of contexts and they emerged spiritually focused, emotionally healthy, ministry committed adults who are making a real difference. Now, you're out there today and you're parenting kids in the ministry, listen to these testimonies and these interview results. Think through what do you need to adjust so that you can get some things right. So that someday, your children will look back and say, here's what my ministry parents got right and why I love the Lord and love his word even today. Being a parent in ministry is definitely a challenge, but it is not an insurmountable challenge.
Jeff Iorg:Ministry families are not automatically dysfunctional and they do not have to perform or work in a toxic way. Instead, they can be a place where faith is nurtured, appreciation for ministry is deepened, and people actually come through those experiences wanting to be engaged not only with God but in ministry to his people. Think about this question, what do ministry parents get right? Put it into practice as you lead on.