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With a variety of shows, Legion Podcasts brings you discussion on the worlds of horror, film and video games from an assortment of perspectives.
There is very little time or point in an explanation. To be
blunt, the audio came from a timeline and dimension that has collapsed
at a quantum level, rendering it null and void in terms of
existence. Operational time in the dimensional continuum where the beings
that created the audio collapsed in on itself,
rendering all of their civilization, including technology, null and void.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on cinema.
Psyops.
Ten years. Man. 1010 years.
Ten years. Man ten years. Ten years.
1010 years.
Ten years.
What is the most likely way humanity. Will be wiped out? Maybe it's something
from space or us. Although the way the world ends might.
Be because of you. And if this is the case, you wouldn't have any control
over it. The global temperature rise underscores a chilling reality.
Our planet is trying to tell us something, but we don't seem to
be listening. A recent study has suggested that one. Third of annual deaths due
to heat are directly related to global warming.
On top of the initial flash of thermonuclear light,
which is 180 million degrees, which catches everything on fire
in a nine mile diameter radius. On top of the bulldozing effect
of the wind, all the buildings coming down, and more fires igniting
more fires on top of the radiation if they happen to have survived poisoning people
to death. On top of all that, each one of these fires creates
a mega fire that is 100 or more square miles.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on cinema psyops.
A breathtaking scientific revolution is taking place.
Biotechnology has been progressing at stunning speed,
giving us the tools to eventually gain. Control over biology,
solving the deadliest diseases, while also creating viruses more
dangerous than nuclear bombs. Able to devastate humanity.
It's man returning to the most primal,
violent state as people fight over the tiny
resources that remain. What if the world we live in. Is just a
dream or a simulation? Whether it's a dream or some advanced computer game
you are playing right now, now, when it ends, you would be. What causes the
end of the world. Please, do us all a favor, continue.
Dreaming or playing this game of life. Because when you wake up or unplug,
there's a chance the rest of us. Will be blaked out of existence.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on cinema silence.
1010 years.
Ten years. Hello.
And welcome to the 475th consecutive
week of cinema psyops. This represents 475
consecutive weeks of this dimwitted dip shittery and joining
me in my dimwitted dip shittery is my dimwit of a dip shit co host
matt. God, such dip shittery. Yeah.
I like to take words that shouldn't have that early in
the end. Yeah. And then just add it like dip shittery.
Jackassery. Tom Fuller. Well, Tom Fullery, actually is the one
that I stole that. Yeah,
I like that. Yeah, I'd like to. Yeah. It makes new words.
You can take the word like dip shit and turn it into a more fun,
less upsetting thing, because when you call someone a dipshit, you're insulting them for their
lack of intelligence. And when you call someone a dimwit, you know you're insulting
them for their lack of intelligence. But when you say that they're committing dimwitted
dip shittery, then they're like, oh, yeah, no, I get it. I did a stupid
there. You make sense. Right. And it's also just fun to say.
Right. I mean, the alliteration alone makes it a lot less offensive, I think.
Yeah, right. Plus, there's so many much. There's so much more hurtful
things to call someone for being dumb and just a dim with a dipshit,
you know, that's almost, like, whimsical. Yeah. Right. I mean, there's so many more harsh
ways to say, like, you're being a complete and utter fucking
fool. I think being called a fool is almost worse than being called
dumb. Right. And I'm. Let's. Let's get. Let's get down to the brass tacks
of this. Making fun of someone for having less intelligence than you is definitely,
definitely not cool. But making fun of someone that, you know,
has at least a certain baseline of intelligence who has just done an incredibly foolish
and stupid thing. Thing. Totally fine to pile onto them with that.
Especially when they're your friend. Yes, of course. Although it all depends.
Like, you can make fun of someone's intelligence. If they, say, come out
as, like, a Nazi or something, then you can be like, yeah, you're a fucking
idiot. And that. That you don't have to feel bad about. Well,
yeah, but that is a different reason to be calling them an idiot and a
fool. Just, like, someone who is just of low intelligence and just is of low
intelligence. Making fun of them for that alone is pretty wrong in my.
You know what I mean? Like, trying to belittle somebody just for the sake of
belittling them just based on one certain criteria alone.
But using that criteria to belittle someone is okay as long
as they're a dick, too. Right? I mean, how does that work? How are you
not the bad guy? How about this? If you're like, if they are dumb,
but act like there's the smartest person in the world, then it's fine
to make fun of them for being dumb. Cause they're a jerk, they're a pretentious
douchebag to be doing something, and they're acting with pretense
that they are something that they are not. Calling someone out for being pretentious.
Yeah, that I get. Sure. Yeah, yeah.
I guess in the end we just. Went to a whole thing. Yeah, but I
guess in the end, everyone has to basically decide
for themselves when is it okay to commit harm for someone else or
to hurt someone else's feelings with name calling and all that other bullshit.
Right, exactly. Yeah. Sometimes you gotta make some hard choices.
Right? And the line that can be drawn for some will not
be drawn for others. And. Oh, my God, I just segued it, Matt, here we
go. Uh, the line that's going to get crossed this week is spaceballs.
Right? There's, there's some shit in this matter. There is a lot of hurtful shit
in this. Yeah. But you're going to be fine. It's about Brooks. Things are
going to be fine. What I was kind of getting at earlier with the going
to get a. Lot worse from Mel Brooks type stuff later. Spaceballs is pretty
tame compared to some of the other Mel Brooks movies we're going to be doing.
That's fair. Now, in some cases, things that I used to think were
hilarious to me, including Mel Brooks, don't really land with me
the way that they used to. So this week is going to be an interesting
discussion of what comedy bits still work for you and what comedy bits
don't work for you and what do, and don't work for me as well,
because this movie hit me different this time, watching. Really? Yeah,
this movie hit me just fine. So we might have a lot of disagreements
because I'm just. Right. Well, and again,
that's the thing where I was saying, where do you draw the line, right.
When it comes to comedy, when it comes to making light of someone or
poking fun at someone or something, where is the line for you? When is it
okay? And when is it not right? And that's a good discussion, I think,
to actually have with Mel Brooks because he seems like the type of guy that
would invite it so long as it was tongue in cheek and actually funny.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, Mel Brooks may cross lines, but it's always tongue in cheek.
And it's always with the express purpose of mocking
what you think is supposed to be like. What do you think he's agreeing with?
Yeah, he ends up making satire about
racial subjects that really need to be satirized,
but it ends up being the question of, what am I
really laughing at here? Because there are people that fully laugh at it thinking that
he's agreeing with them when he is actually ripping into them.
They're the butt of the actual blazing. Saddles is all about that.
Right? Blazing saddles. The butt of the joke is the people who think blazing
saddles is funny. They're the butt of the joke. Right. Yeah. Unless you understand that,
and then you can have a good laugh at it. Right. Because you are laughing
at yourself for laughing at the comedy, which is what makes Mel Brooks
Mel Brooks. You know what? Let's stop fucking beating around the bush and let's just
fucking cover Mel Brooks. Okay? I think that's probably for the best. Yeah. So we're
gonna play the Legion Patreon now and then immediately following that,
because we basically had the longest running dick joke in
any PG movie ever. And if. Certainly if it's not the top,
it's in the running, which is gotta be. Yeah. Yeah.
This week, all songs about balls. Yes, I'm going good. I'm going full
Mel Brooks with it. Up first is AC DC with big balls on the pirate
radio edit right after this. This will keep us quiet. Oh,
hi there. I didn't see you. You call me cutting a new show.
I'm Beau Ransdell and I'm one of. The many creators you can find on
Legion podcasts. I said quiet.
What the fuck is that? Oh, I just made the Facebook page for
our podcast. Doesn't it look cool?
What's that? Oh, that's. You don't have to worry about that.
I mean, it's. It's a child of the jar. Technically, it's. Yes,
still a child, but it's a clone, so it doesn't have any rights. You don't
have to worry about it. Yeah, it's. It's. It's a clone. There's no
legal precedent for a clone to have any civil rights as a human being.
A clone of who? Um, you remember when I said
I needed some of your blood for the signature earlier in the podcast? Oh,
you son of a bitch. You cloned me, didn't you? Well, I needed someone that
was as feeble and weak minded as you to experiment on.
Hey, I'm only feeble weak minded cause my severe alcohol crippled?
Yeah, that might have something to do. With it, but a child's completely different.
I did that to myself. Yeah, I'm still alive. But, I mean, we're not child.
But it's in alcohol, so, I mean, it is pretty much a clone of you.
It's being preserved, and the. The point's valid. All right, I'll allow it.
What. What's it watching, though? Oh, part of the experiment that we've
been doing where I have you watch the movies to see if it would damage
someone with an impressionable mind. I've been using some of the test
results to, uh. Well, I'm. I'm building a
monster. You're making it watch munchies. You want to see the feed? I can bring
it up. No, I saw it once. That's enough. Yeah,
munchies has been on a pretty steady loop. I've brought in some other
things. When it responds positively and does what I'm telling it to with
the commands here on the keyboard, then I let it watch,
like, Godzilla movies or something else. When it misbehaves,
then I put it back on munchies. How does it misbehave? Yeah,
it doesn't really respond too well to the movies that I do like,
and I want it to like. That's, like, 98% of the population with
this particular clone. If this experiment is successful, then I'm gonna make more.
More movies. No more clones, God damn
it. But I'm gonna use smarter test subjects. From that step,
I am both relieved and defended.
Oh, God, the innuendo in that is perfect to talk spaceballs in Albrux.
I, of course, might as well just
get into it, man. Let's get into it. Spaceballs. The first 30
minutes, we start with opening title secrets, much like Star wars,
where it says, in the galaxy, very, very, very far away,
there lived a ruthless race of beings known as spaceballs.
Chapter eleven. The evil leaders of the planet spaceball,
having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere,
have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from
their peace loving neighbor, planet Druidia. Today is
Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest
to us, danger lurks in outer space.
And then it pretty much goes like, if you're still reading this, you don't need
to have your eyes checked or something like that. Yeah,
it gets into looking like one of those eye exam things by the
end of it. And that is the funniest part of the joke that they do
with that whole scroll. And then we come to huge ship, which is Spaceball
one, with a bumper sticker saying we break for no one.
And we're on the bridge and it's our first clip. What is it,
Sergeant Rico? You told me to let you know the moment planet Druidia was in
sight, sir. So? Planet Druidia's in sight, sir. You're really
a spaceball. You know that, don't you? Thanks, sir. Have you notified
Lord Helmut? Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way. Make way
for dark helmet. All rise in the presence of dark helmet.
I can't breathe in this thing. We're approaching
planet Druidia, sir. Good. I'll call Spaceball city and notify President Scroob
immediately. I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
What, you went over my helmet? Well, not exactly
over, sir. More to the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never
happen again. Never, ever. Oh, shit. No,
no, no, no. Please, please. No,
no, not that. Yes,
that.
Sanders. Sir? I don't see planet Druidia.
Where is it? We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on
the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you? Nah, never mind. I'll do
it myself. Very good, sir. What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning
and bubbling? You call that a radar screen? No, sir. We call it
Mister Coffee. Care for some?
Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar.
You know that. Of course I do, sir. Everybody knows that. Of course we do,
sir. Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch
radar. Where is it? Right here, sir.
Switch to teleview. There it is.
Planet Druidia. And underneath the air shield, 10,000 years
of fresh air. We must get through that air shield. We will,
sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father,
King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying planet
Druidia and saving planet spaceball. Everybody got
that? Good. When will the princess be married? Within the
hour, sir. Well, I hope it's a long ceremony. Cause it's
gonna be a short honeymoon.
Hot. Too hot. Love that.
Everyone got that? That's one of the ones we tried. To play to Drudia.
What? That's one of the ones where they turn and look at you at the
screen. Yeah, they break the fourth wall. Yeah, I love the fourth wall jokes in
this. Oh, they're all great. So we cut to pledge,
and it's the wedding day of princess Vespa. And that is our next clip.
I have to see this day. Is everyone ready? Yes, your majesty.
No. Where's my droid of honor? Yes. Where's Dot?
Dot? Dot matrix.
Oh, thank God. Where have you been? Here I
am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited,
I couldn't hold my oil. All right, people. It's magic time.
All right, everyone. Starting on the left foot.
Daddy, that's your right foot. It's too late. Keep going. Daddy,
must I go through with this? I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.
But, daddy,
I don't love him. I'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince
left in the galaxy.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous
occasion to witness princess Vespa, daughter of King
Roland, going right past the altar, heading down the
ramp and out the door. Stop her. Someone stop
her. Stop her. Kate, wait.
You forgot to get married. Will you stop? What are
you doing? No questions, doc. Get in.
Where's she going? Where is she going?
Come back. All right, so she
escapes, and then we cut to a flying Winnebago.
Because why not? Because it's funny. And that's basically
what the millennium Falcon is in that world. Yeah,
and it's. We see our friend John candy in
this comes to our next clip.
Always when I meet. What can I
do you for, boss? Grab myself a snack. You want some?
No. A little hair of the doc? No. Listen, answer that thing for me.
Oh, sorry. I'll just throw an audio here. That way they won't see you.
Hello? Hello, Lone Star? Sorry, wrong switch.
Hello, Vinny. What do you want? No, no, no, no.
It's not what I want. It's what he wants.
Pinch of a hut. Well,
if it isn't Lone Star and his sidekick,
puke. That's barf. Barf, puke,
whatever. With my money.
Don't worry, pizza. You'll have it by next week. No,
no. I gotta have it it by tomorrow. A hundred thousand
space bucks by tomorrow? A hundred thousand?
Ha ha ha. No way. You forgot late
charges. Which brings it up to 1 million
space bucks. A million? That's unfair.
Unfair to the payoh, enough to the payee.
But you're gonna pay it, or else.
Or else what? Tell him, Vinny.
Or else pizza is gonna stand out for
you.
You're delicious. Ciao, boys.
Can we talk? Okay,
we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him
for your father's sake. And then had a headache for the next 25 years.
Will you turn that headache off. What?
What is it? I was saying, do you
realize what you've done? Yes, and I'm
glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad,
glad. I wonder if she's glad.
Don't be ridiculous. As president of planet Spaceball,
I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no
air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself.
Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Yes,
bye. Shit.
President Scrooge. Yes, this is central control.
Spaceball Commandrette Zircon speaking, sir. Yes, what is it?
Commander at Lord Helmut has just notified us that Princess Vespa
is in sight. And Spaceball one is closing in on her. Good,
good. We have both ships coming up on the teladar, sir,
if you wish to observe. I'll be down immediately. Shall I have snotty
beam you down, sir? I don't know about that beaming stuff.
Is it safe? Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night.
It was wonderful. All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell,
it works on Star Trek. Snotty, beam him down. Yes, sir.
Immediately, sir.
Gee beasties. What's happened to his head? It's on
backwards. This is terrible. Do something.
I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro converter malfunction.
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking sister.
Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. Lock.
Lohrman. Are you all right, mister President?
Fine, fine, no thanks to you. We'll beam you back, sir. Forget it,
forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk.
President Scroob. Salute. Hail,
Stroob. Hello, President Scroob.
Oh, wow. Hello, Charlene. I'm Marlene.
Hello, Marlene. I'm Charlene. Chew your gum.
Where's the princess? Right there, sir. On the left side of
the screen. Approaching spaceball one at 1500 light leagues per
minute. Good, good. She's almost in our grasp. Tell Doc hell.
But he must take the princess alive.
Princess Vespa. Spaceship within range, sir. Good. Fire a
warning shot across her nose.
What's going on? It's either the 4 July or someone's
trying to kill us.
Hey, I don't have to put up with. With this. I'm rich.
What are you doing? I'm calling my father.
1800, Druidia,
like set across her nose, not up it. Sorry, sir.
Doing my best. Who made that man a gunner? I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Who is he? He's an asshole, sir. I know that. What's his name?
That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major asshole. And his cousin, he's an
asshole, too, sir. Gun is made first class. Philip asshole. How many assholes we
got on this ship anyhow? I knew it.
I'm surrounded by assholes. Keep firing.
Assholes just in love with this movie.
He's an asshole, sir. Yeah, that word playwear with the
asshole. I'm surrounded by assholes. That will always hold up for me.
I absolutely love that. Yeah. That would never not be funny. I'm sorry.
It was just great. They're all cross eyed because they can't shoot.
And I just love that. He's an asshole, sir. I know that.
Oh, God. All right. So anyway, she calls her dad for help, and he calls
lone star. They agreed to help them for 1 million spakes. But to
pay back pizza the hutt, which will never not be disgusting. Pizza the hutt
will always be disgusting. I've eaten worse. Pizza,
probably. Yeah. Never sentient. And talking to
me while I was eating it. Well, so that one time that I ate some
weapons grade hallucinogens before I had some pizza.
My favorite is also with their, like, negotiating their
price to help. And the kid keeps talking about the car he hunts.
A Mercedes. Very nice. I got it at a great deal. My cousin sold
it to me. He was very nice to me. We get it.
Just the little pieces of this fucking movie. Just everything works.
Oh, God damn. So anyway, so then
they find her, and this leads to our next clip.
Look. There's a princess. She's got company. No,
spaceballs. They've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh,
well, we're too late. What is. I'll just throw in reverse. We'll get out of
here. What are we doing risking
our lives for a runaway princess? I know. We need the money.
We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shitload
of money. Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right.
And you, you're always right. Okay, we save her. But how? The minute we
move in there, they're gonna spot us on their radar. Uh huh. Uh uh.
Uh huh. Uh uh. Not if we jam it.
Uh huh. You're right. Down scope. Down scope.
Radar about to be j
sh. What is
it? Can I talk to.
Well, you don't need that, private.
We're right here. Now what? What is it? I'm trying to. Hang on,
sir. Now, what is it? I'm having trouble with the radar,
sir. What's wrong with it? I've lost the bleeps. I've lost the sweeps, and I've
lost the creeps. The what? The what and the what? You know, the bleeps.
The sweeps.
And the creeps.
That's not all he's lost. Sir, the radar, sir.
It appears to be jammed. Jammed?
Raspberry. There's only one man who would
dare give me the raspberry. Lone Star.
What was that? Never mind that. What was that?
Hi. Who are you? Barf. Not in here,
mister. This is a mercedes. Aw. That's my name. Barf.
Barf. What are you? I'm a mog.
Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.
What do you want? Your father hired Captain Lone Star and me to save
you. Come on. We gotta hop up this letter and get out of here.
Good. Quick. Hurry, darling. Follow the dog. Mog. I'm a mog.
Wait. What about my matched luggage?
Hey, stop fucking up my can. Sorry.
Checking in. What the hell is
all that? It's your
royal harness's max. Luggage. What? Her Royal
Highness is matched luggage. Matched luggage,
huh? What'd she think this is, a princess cruise?
Well, she wouldn't go without it. Oh, yeah?
Now hear this. The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do
is dump the matched luggage. Who is
that? Now, you hear this,
whoever you are. You will not touch that luggage.
And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up.
I will not be rescued in such filth. Listen, on this ship,
I don't take orders. I give em. This is my dream boat.
Sweetheart. Sweetheart?
How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper
manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of
Roland, king of the Druids.
That's all we needed, a druish princess.
Funny. She doesn't look druish.
Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus Christ. That man,
he just does not care when he writes his comedy.
He is just there. Well, it's kind of like we
talked about. Where it's irony and satire. And it's very
similar to what John Waters does. They're actually kind of akin
to each other quite a bit. Bit where they'll take the bigotry that's thrown
at them. And then turn it into the most ludicrous,
outlandish character. To just basically show how ridiculous the
bigot really is. And, yeah, and I mean, yeah, you know. Mel Brooks beaten
a person of jewish faith. He makes a lot of these jokes,
right? Because it's part of his life. It's something that he just,
it's. He's always been exposed to it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. So, I mean, it's just in its own always. And I don't know,
not a lot of people can get away with it like he does or write
it like he does, you know, so well. And if anybody who
has actually seen his previous work, like the producers,
would be shocked to have these kinds of jokes pop up in spaceballs, they clearly
haven't really made much of attention. Right. Like, yeah, I mean, the further
back you go into Mel Brooks career, the even more prevalent
his faith has to do with his style of comedy, you know? Exactly.
Oh, yeah, big time. So anyway, Spaceball world brings
in the car, and during helmet has a big monologue until they
open it and see, well, no one's in there. And then everyone
covers their balls because, you know, they're all scared that he's going to laser them.
Right. You know, right in there. But he doesn't. Then he knows that it's
lone star who took him. And then the car, when he slams on the car,
the door knocks down on him. Rick Memoranda just has some great physical
comedy stuff in this one. It's. It's all good. Well,
having that giant helmet in there, I'm sure he can do a lot of falls
and not have to worry about getting hurt. So, you know, he would go for
it, you know? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Rick is that kind of. Rick Moranis
does all that kind of shit because Rick Moranis is just gold. Yeah.
And he, in SCTV days, was actually quite a good
physical comedian as well. And I think people forget about that because
he does such good characters later on in his career that when
people really know him, you know, but he did some amazing physical comedy
in SCTV. Oh, he did. Yeah, big time. So then,
anyway, we cut back to the Winnebago, and this leads to our next clip.
Here comes the badger blimp. We better get out of
here in a hurry. Secret hyper jets. Switching to secret hyper jets.
Buckle up back there. We're going into hyperactive.
We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, lone star will be
ours. Good. Prepare to attack.
Prepare to attack on the count of three.
One, two. Wait,
what happened? Where are they? I don't know, sir. They must have hyper jets on.
And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart? No, sir.
We'll find them. Catch them. Yes, sir. Prepare ship for lightspeed.
No, no, no. Lightspeed is too slow. Light speed too slow. Yes. We're gonna
have to go right to ludicrous speed.
Ludicrous speed, sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship
can take us. What's the matter, Colonel Sanders? Chicken?
Prepare ship. Prepare ship for
ludicrous speed. Fasten all seatbelts. Seal all
entrances and exits. Close all shops. Come on.
Cancel the three ring circus. Secure all animals in the zoo.
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer.
Now hear this. Ludicrous speed. Sir, hadn't you better
buckle up? Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed.
Go.
What am I, daddy? My brains
are going into my feet.
Oh, my. What the hell
was that? Spaceball. Once they've gone to plaid,
we pass them. Stop this thing.
We can stop. It's too dangerous. We've got
to slow down first.
Bullshit. Just stop. Stop this thing.
I order you, stop.
Are you all right, sir? Fine. How have you been?
Fine, sir. Good. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Yeah. What should we do now, sir? Well,
are we stopped? We're stopped, sir. Good. Why don't we
take a five minute break? Very good, sir. Smoke if you got
him. I love that. Vince Clorthel, Keymaster of Gozer,
and Darth Helmut with severe head trauma,
are basically the same character. Yep. Yep.
It's just fucking awesome. What am I
done? My brain are going into my feet.
They go plaid. See this stuff? Yeah,
this stuff all still works for me. Absolutely. Slapstick.
Great shit. Yeah. So. All right. And that's the end of that. 30 minutes
before we go into the second 30. All right. Yeah. The beginning of
the film absolutely has some moments that are really, really great. The thing
that really dragged and I had a hard time with was coming up here,
the middle 30. Oh, really? Yeah, the middle 30 of it.
There's a couple spots where I was just kind of like, you know, fucking around
on my phone a lot more and not as interested in it. And I
think some of the comedy bits work for me more,
and I've actually. I think this is what the issue is.
I can't watch Mel Brooks, and I can't watch baseballs alone. I can't watch that
kind of comedy by myself and enjoy it. Yeah.
Someone else to laugh at the things that I won't laugh
at so that I can, like, enjoy them enjoying that moment more. You know what
I mean? I got. Yeah, no, I got you. Exactly. Cause I actually
understand that. Yeah. And a lot of comedy. Some movies are like that for me,
like spaceballs I can watch alone. There are some movies where I'm the same where
I can't watch them alone. Right. And I think you connected with spaceballs in a
way, obviously, that I did not because Star wars.
Right. I mean, that's. I mean, your love of Star wars keeps you way
more connected to spaceballs than me, you know, whereas, like, Dracula dead and loving
it is the one that I'm more connected to and I love and can watch
on my own just because. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's. It's totally
fine. That's just the way that it is. And I didn't really realize this about
some comedies. Like, I thought it was that I don't like comedy as much
now that I've gotten older, but I think it's because listening to the clips with
you, I'm laughing and I'm having fun. Yeah. But watching it alone,
I wasn't having as much fun with some of the stuff that I'm laughing with
with you. So it definitely. Yeah, sometimes you gotta.
Gotta have someone to watch it with. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is like horror,
you could. I can do an isolation and connect with it, but comedy
I can't really do in isolation. They need to have, like, a community with me
laughing at it, you know? See, I could do comedy all by myself.
Yeah, well, that totally makes sense because everything's fucking funny to you. Almost like
you love all comedy. You find. You find something to enjoy in almost all
comedy. There's very little comedy that I've. There's very little.
But when it's bad comedy, it's really bad. Like,
you can have a bad horror movie and still be entertained by it, but when
you find a movie that's supposed to be like a comedy and it's bad,
it's insufferable. Like, I can't watch that shit. Yeah, but I can watch a bad
horror movie and be like, well, that's kind of funny. Yeah, I've had you
watch a bad comedy for this show before that you absolutely
just hated. And we, that's some of the Al Adamson films where he was
taking a crack at comedy that it just wasn't hitting for us was like,
even worse than the fucking rape scenes in some cases for
just how painful it was to watch. Cause, you know, it was just.
They kept trying. You know, bad comedy is something that will
cause you pain. And like I said, you almost quit because of munchies
on, like, the second episode. No shit.
You still are salty about that movie. I'm real angry
about it. All right, well, let's move
on to the next 30 and get you happy again for, you know, talking spaceballs.
Finally. Yeah. Fucking Jesus. Let's get going.
All right, so next 30 starts. The.
The Winnebago runs out of gas and they crash land on a desert world.
After a land, two very angry people meet one another in
our next clip. Where are you going? I am going to tell him off once
and for all. We'll need him
to get us out of here. Called me an idiot. I'm going back
there and explain a few things to her. Besides, he's got a sexy voice.
He might be cute. Yeah, but wait, wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.
I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen them all.
Cute. I know. These space bums are all alike.
Fat, ugly, buck tooth, knock knee, fierce, willing pigs,
horse face, dog. Yeah, well, normally I. Whoa.
That's gonna leave a mark. Now, listen, you. You listen.
On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot, not you, captain.
I mean. You know what I mean. And you will not call me you.
You will never address me as you. You will call me your Royal
Highness. You are a royal pain in the. Whoa.
Hold it. Time. What? May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now,
the spaceballs are gonna make a major u turn head back this way and make
us all dead. He's right. Let's go. Wait. My things.
Now, listen, you, Royal Highness. Take only
what you need to survive. Well, they're dragging all our luggage.
They open one of the cases, it's a huge hairdryer. And they throw that out
and then sterile. Carry the case that was in it. Yeah, that wouldn't make any
sense, but I love it. He goes, see, it's lighter now. He goes, oh,
yeah, much better. We cut back to spaceball one
and that is our next. Clip them yet?
Nor, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the. Well,
keep looking for them.
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.
Corporal, get me the video cassette of spaceballs the movie.
Yes, sir. Producers,
twelve chairs, blazing cells, young Frankenstein. Colonel Sanders,
may I speak with you, please? Yes, sir. How can there
be a cassette of spaceballs the movie? We're still in the middle of making it.
That's true, sir. But there's been a new breakthrough in homework video marketing.
Yes, instant cassettes. They're out in stores before
the movie is finished. Here it is,
sir. Spaceballs. Good work,
corporal. Punch it up fast.
Much too early. Prepare to fast forward. Preparing to fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forwarding,
sir.
No, no, go past this. Past this part. In fact, never play this
again. Try here. Stop.
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen? In the movie?
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is
happening now. What happened to then? We passed then. When?
Just now. Where? At now. Now. Go back to then. When? Now.
Now. I can't. Why? We missed it. When? Just now.
When will then be now? Soon.
How soon? Sir? What? We've identified their location.
Where? It's the moon of Vega. Good work, Santa Corson. Prepare for our arrival.
When? 1900 hours. By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right. Take it. It's freezing.
You insist?
Won't you be cold? Nah. Cold never bothered me.
Me.
I can't seem to find Druidia. It's right there.
Where? It's right there. It's that bright blue one right there.
See? Oh, yeah. But it's so far
away. Don't worry.
I'll get you there. Which one's yours? Who knows?
You don't know where you're from? Not really. I was found on doorstep of
a monastery. A monastery? Where? Somewhere in the fort
galaxy. Well, didn't the monks tell you
who your parents were? They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.
All I got was this. It was around my neck. What is
it? I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe,
and nobody could tell me what it means. It's beautiful.
You know. It's beautiful.
So how come you ran away from your wedding? Well,
if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.
Why were you gonna marry him? Because I'm a princess,
and I have to marry a prince. Ah. And he doesn't do
it for you, huh? No, he doesn't
do it for me. I really must go back.
I shouldn't have run away. I realize
now that love is one luxury a princess cannot
afford. You're probably right.
I know now that I must learn to live without love.
I guess so. Besides, love isn't that important.
Nah, it never was. I could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life without love.
Sure you could. Without physical contact.
Yeah. Without being held.
Yeah. Or kissed.
Abandon the chip. Abandon ship. Women and mogs first.
Well, I'm none of that, mister. How far did he get
what he touched? Nothing happened. What the hell was
that noise? That was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go
off before you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as
for you, sex fiend. All right, all right. Let's all just get some
sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn. Why so early?
Because we're in the middle of a desert, and we aren't gonna get very far
once that blazing sun gets overhead.
Nice dissolved. Okay. Nice dissolve.
I love that. One by one, as they're all walking,
they all pass out. And then we see spaceball one
is getting to the planet. These little peeps find their group and help
them give them water and lead them away. Then the spaceballs
are looking for the group. They're in the car,
and he goes, all right, driver, prepare to drive. Rupert,
dark helmet goes, well, you're always preparing. Why are we always preparing?
Just go, just go. Just goes. You might want to sit out. And then he,
you know, another. Just great gag. I love that shit. More great physical
comedy from him. Yeah, yeah. The group
are led to a hideout. And that is our next clip.
Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.
What is this place? It looks like the temple of doom.
Sure ain't Temple Beth Israel. Come on, I think we better
follow him. Uh oh. I think we woke it up.
Goodbye, folks. Let me know how it turns out. Come back here, Dot. Come on,
we gotta keep going. What's gonna happen now?
Don't ask. Maybe it won't. Well, what if it does? I don't
know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we get out of here
right now. Silence.
Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of
the everlasting Noah doll? Yogurt.
Yogurt heard
of you. Who hasn't heard of yogurt? Yogurt the
wise. Yogurt, the all powerful.
Yogurt, the magnificent. Please, please, don't make a fuss.
I'm just plain yogurt. But you're the one.
Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power
known throughout the universe as the. The force?
No, the Schwartz.
Schwarze.
The Schwartz. But,
Joergen, what is this place? What is it that you do
here? Merchandising. Merchandising? What's that?
Merchandising. Come, I'll show you. Open up the store.
Come, walk this way. Take a look. We put the picture's
name on everything.
Merchandising. Merchandising, where the real
money from the movie is made. Space falls the t
shirt. Space falls the coloring book. Space falls the
lunchbox. Space falls the breakfast cereal.
Space falls the flamethrower. The kids love
this one. Last, but not least,
space falls the doll. Me.
May the Schwartz be with you,
adorable. President Scroob.
What is it? I have an urgent message from Lord Helmut.
He's lost the princess. Where? Somewhere in the sands of Vega.
Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.
Yes, sir. Sir? What?
Are we being too literal? No, you fool, we're following orders. We were told to
comb the desert, so we're combing it. Found anything yet? Nothing yet,
sir. How about you? Not a thing, sir.
What about you guys? We ain't found shit. It's a big mystery.
None of the wise men could tell me what it means. Wise men for
sure. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? Here, let me
take a look.
You can read it? No, I was just clearing my throat.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
of course. You understand it? Yes. What's it say?
I cannot tell you that now. It shall be revealed to you at the proper
time. Great. Come on. Don't be disappointed.
Back to your Schwartz training. Here, take the ring.
Point it to that big statue. Okay, but I still don't
understand how I'm gonna lift that big statue with this little ring.
Never underestimate the power of the Schwarzsch.
Come on, come on. Concentrate. Here we go. Like I said,
probably the longest running dick joke and
largest amount of dick jokes in a PG movie of all time. Like,
if it's not. If it's not number one, it is certainly in the top five.
Yeah, it has to be. Yeah. Yeah.
So funny lifts up the statue, and then he gets
distracted, and it falls on Barf's foot.
Flattening his foot. Almost comically, but flattening. So it's
funny. It's more good stuff. Hurt. Barf is essentially the
scared John Candy's character from the great outdoors.
Pretty much.
Same noises. Yep. Yep. So anyway, we are back to
the spaceballs, searching in our next clip. Keep searching.
It's no use, sir. We're searched everywhere. Wait. I feel
the presence of the Schwartz. The Schwartz?
Yes. It's coming from somewhere.
There. You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here.
And look at this insignia. It's a Y.
Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate yogurt.
Even with strawberries. I'll call for the attack squad, sir. No, no,
no. We can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too? Nah, he got the upside.
I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every schwartz. Then how are we
gonna go in in there and get her? We will not go in there.
She will come out to us. Can we just talk
about the visual gag of the way he's dressed
for in the desert as Dave. Helmet. Yeah, dressed one of those tad suit
things. Yeah, like someone on safari.
Right. Like, he's wearing the safari hat. That's a
safari helmet. Yeah, he has a safari version of the helmet that's like a giant
safari hat with, like, a little viewfinder on it that opens and closes that he
talks through. Yeah. It's absolutely the most ridiculous,
ridiculous, dumb looking thing ever. And I can't help
but chuckle when I see it. I really can. Oh, yeah. It's. It's just the
fucking best. Just because the
great thing about this movie is how much it doesn't take itself seriously.
Yeah. It is parodying so much that it even ends up
parodying itself. Like, it's literally just a parody of itself.
Like, it's. It's making fun of it. Like merchandising. Where the real money
from the. Yeah, merchandising, right. Yeah. He's taking
so hard at the jabs that he is literally, literally just
belittling his own film the whole time he's doing it. Yeah,
his own film. And all the films like it. Yeah, like, the one really,
the movie. Industry as a whole. Well, essentially, Star wars hit,
they got really big with merchandising. Other movies, and movie
studios were trying to do the same thing. And Spaceballs is probably
one of the most callous of the cash ins because it was done in the
eighties. Well, after Star wars was kind of finished, right?
Uh huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it really was. Yeah. Star Trek
and all that kind of shit. Yeah, it was kind of like an alarm when
that stuff wasn't even that popular. And it did this sort of thing that
it did with its parody and just ran with it. And it unabashedly
is making fun of itself because it's like, oh, yeah, I'm cashing in too.
Yeah, yeah. Spaceballs, the flamethrower.
The kids love it. Good shit. Princess Vespa sees
the image of her dad. She comes out because he's calling her, and it ends
up being actually dark helmet. And they take
her and her droid dot, and they escape.
So the group fills up the Winnebago to help out. Lone star
yogurt gives Lone Star a fortune cookie. And the
shoring, the ring of Schwartz. And then we cut back
to spaceball one in our next clip.
At last, I have you in my clutches to
have my way with you the way I want to.
No. No. Please leave me alone. No. You are mine.
Not so fast. Hell, lone star? Yes, it's me.
I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
Now you are going to die.
Oh. Oh. Hey. What you do to my
friend? The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. Oh. Oh.
And you too. Oh. Oh. Now, Princess Vespa,
at last we are alone. Oh, no.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone. Yet I find
you strange. Attractive. Of course you do. Jewish princesses
are often attracted to money and power. And I
have both, and you know it. Oh, leave me
alone. No. Kiss me. No. No. Yes. No.
No. Yes. No. Yeah.
Oh. Oh, your helmet is so big.
Lord Helmet. Flash. You needed another, sir?
Knock on my door. Knock next time. Yes, sir.
Did you see anything? No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Good. President screw. Ah.
I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.
Sorry, sir, but it's very important. The princess has just been brought to
your office and Lord Helmut and Colonel Sanders are awaiting you there.
All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there. Yes,
sir. I. Helmet,
you fiend. What's going on? What are you doing to my
daughter? Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic
surgeon, Doctor Philip Schlotkin. The greatest
nose job man in the entire universe. And Beverly
Hills. Your highness. Nose job? I don't understand.
She's already had a nose job. It was a sweet 16 present.
No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse
if you do nothing. Give me the combination to the air shield.
Doctor Slotkin will give your daughter back her old nose.
No. Where did you get that?
All right, I'll tell. I'll tell. No, daddy. No. You mustn't.
You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell him
the combination, no matter what. Very well, doctor Schlotkin.
Do your worst. My pleasure.
No, wait, wait. I'll tell.
I'll tell. I knew it would work.
All right, give it to me. The combination is
112-233-4455
so the combination is 12345.
That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life. That's the kind of
thing an idiot would have on his luggage. Thank you, your highness. What did
you do? I turned off the wall. Play. Didn't you turn off the whole movie?
I must have pressed the wrong button. Well, put it back on. Put the movie.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You gotta get that thing fixed. We're back
and we have the combination. Lock it. What?
We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putts.
Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you
for this. Bet she gives great helmet.
Well, did it work? Where's the cake? It works, sir. We have the combination.
Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet
Druidia. What's the combination?
123-451-2345 yes.
That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Prepare spaceball one for immediate departure. Yes,
sir. And change the combination on my luggage.
12345. That's the same combination of my luggage.
And that's the end of that. 30 minutes before we go into the final 30.
Yeah, so, definitely the parts that were dragging for me was them walking
through the desert. All the stuff with the dink dink people leading them around,
them being searched for with the combing of the desert. Although the joke still
made me laugh. About the weed combing the desert, that. Man, we ain't found shit.
Yeah, that stuff did kind of. That one did make me chuckle.
But watching it on my own, I was just like, come on.
You know? But us sitting here doing the clips together and just kind
of, like, laughing at certain moments with them and talking about it, I enjoyed it
so much more. So it's not that spaceballs didn't hold up for me. I've now
come to that conclusion at this hour mark. It's that I can't watch a movie
like spaceballs alone. And I think I had the same problem with
Robin Hood men and tights, you know, like, I enjoy it more when I'm watching
it with other people, then when I can't watch that on my own. And I
don't think it's all Melbourne stuff, because I think I would enjoy blazing
saddles as much as I do, like, on my own, as with other people.
But I would probably still laugh more at jokes, I think, too. So I'm
going to have to kind of experiment with that and watch comedies that I like.
Because I do notice that when I'm watching comedy by myself, I tend to just
not laugh. I really do. Like, that is weird, right? Like, I'm like a fucking
psychopath. Like, I need somebody else to be able to experience joy.
Or maybe we just had a major breakthrough. Maybe I can't experience joy unless
I know there's someone else around me experiencing joy. Like, maybe I'm an emotional vampire
for happy feelings. What we
do in the dark, right?
Kind of, yeah. I think I'm an emotional vampire. But only for happy feelings,
right? Because I got all the rage and everything else. I just. I need to
steal people's happiness by being there when they're experiencing it so I can
kind of siphon some of that joy,
right? At least it works for you. That's a horrible thing to say about
yourself, isn't it? Yeah, it's not good. I would.
I would. I wouldn't say that again. Not in mixed
company. Not throwing it out there in the void for who knows, to listen to.
Right? Yeah. For everyone else to hear it. I would do that. Yeah.
You know what? When I get my therapy sessions booked up again, um, and I
get working on my tattoos, that's something that I told you once. I'll tell you
a thousand times, it's not real therapy. Go to a real therapist. But I get
hard at the end of it, so that's so much better. It's art therapy.
Yeah. Listen, you need some real therapy. No,
man. Just need some tattoos. I'll be fine.
We can move on. Oh, boy. Yeah. All right.
All right. So the final 30. The Lone star and barf land on Spaceball
City. Knock out two guards to take their uniforms. They get to
the holding cells, and that is our next clip. She's gotta be in one of
these cells. Yeah? Which one? No.
Nobody knows.
It's coming from here. That can't be her. The trouble
I see, nobody knows.
But, Jesus, what's her.
Nobody know that
her blessing. She's a base.
Glory hallelujah.
What do you want? It's me. It's us.
Lone Star. How did you find us? No time to
talk. Come on, we gotta move. Barf, how'd you do
it? I love that. So she's a base.
All right, so they get caught, and there's a big firefight.
And barf uses, like, this circular tubes to repel
the enemy fire. And then the door closes, and they all jump
through it, and they're surrounded. And that is our next
clip. Stand up, captain. We've got them.
Spectacular stunt, my friends. But all
for naught. Turn around, please. Ah, what a pity.
What a pity. So, princess, you thought you
could outwit the imperious forces?
You idiots. These are not them.
You've captured their stunt doubles. Search the area.
Find them. Find them.
I love that joke. That's one of my favorites from this movie.
Oh, I love that shit. So anyway,
they're trying to get out, and the doors,
few shut shut on the bag o. So they're trying to get in. And then
the guards are coming, and one of the lasers cuts off a piece
of the princess's hair. So she grabs the gun and she blows all the guys
away, Rambo style. So that was pretty cool. Bit sexist,
but still funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's. Cause they go, oh, not bad for
a girl. They're like, not bad for Rambo. That was
a great Joan Rivers delivery for the line. Yeah, yeah. Yep,
yep. Yes. All right. So then we cut to spaceball
one. Getting to Giridia. And that is our next clip.
President Strobe, salute. Hail Strube.
Ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over,
sir. Yes. Oh. Never have that damn
thing down in front of me. How do I know you're not making faces at
me under that thing? President Strube. Yes. There it
is. Planet Druidia. Ah, planet Druidia.
And 10,000 years of fresh air. The way he runs
things in water won't last a hundred. What? Preparing ship
for metamorphosis, sir. Good. Get on with it. Ready,
Kafka? Look, it's baseball one.
They've reached the airshield, and it's opening.
The ship's too big. They'll never get through. How they gonna get the air out?
I don't see any hoses or anything.
What's happening? The ship changing.
Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship.
It's a transformer changing into
a gigantic. Made with
a vacuum cleaner. So that's how
they're gonna get the air out.
Metamorphosis completed, sir. Spaceball one has now
become mega maid.
Good. Remarkable. Now commence operation
vacu suck.
Suck. Suck. Suck.
So again. Uh, yeah, so she turned into a mega maid. Uh, she sucks all
the environment out of the planet. And Lone star uses the sword,
Swartz. It reverses the switch. So now she's gone from suck to
blow. They fly into the mega maid's head.
And that is our next one. Dim the lights. Dimming the
lights. Go to infrared. Going to the infrared. Pray to
God. Praying to God. Careful.
Careful. What are you doing?
Scanning. There's gotta be a self destruct mechanism
somewhere in the central brain area. I think
we just found it. Where? Watch.
Bing. There it is. It's right below
us. Put her in hover, barf. Put her in hover.
I'm going down. He's going down there. I wouldn't.
What the hell are you doing? The vulcan neck
bench. Oh, no, no, stupid. You got it much too
high. It's down here with a shoulder meets the neck like this.
Yeah,
thanks. I love that.
All right, so he breaks in, takes out another
guard, but then is stopped by dark helmet. In our next clip,
Lone star helmet.
So at last we meet for the first time.
For the last time. Before you die,
there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
What? I am your father's brother's nephew's
cousin's former roommate. What's that
make us? Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about
to become prepared to die.
You have the reason. And I see your schwartz is
as big as mine. Now let's see
how well you handle it. Ugh. Yep.
Long just running dick joke for a whole movie. Yeah, non stop.
Non stop. So anyway, they have a Schwartz fight. At one point,
they kill a sound guy, or dark helmet does, and he goes, uh, he did
it. He goes, what? Oh, God. Another more
fourth wall breaking. Uh, so then their Schwartz gets twisted
and they have to pull apart, which is funny. Uh, after some more fighting,
we get to our next clip. So long, star.
Yogurt has taught you well. If there's one
thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must,
then I must. May the best man win.
Put her there.
The ring. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in
the book. What? What a goof. What's with you,
man? Come on. You know what? Here, let me give
it back to you. Oh. Oh, look at that. You fell for that, too.
I can't believe it, man.
So, lone Star, now you see that evil
will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Very impressive, lone star. Too bad this
isn't the wide world of sports. Use the
Schwartz, Lone Star. Use the Schwartz. I can't.
I lost the ring. Forget the ring. The ring is vodka.
I found it in a cracker jack box. The Schwartz
is in you, Mount Star. It's in you. All right,
I'll try. Say goodbye to your two best friends.
And I don't mean your pals in the winter favor.
Thank you for pressing the self destruct button. This ship will self destruct
in three minutes. They are all abandoning ship.
We get the spaceball song, which is great. And then, funny how,
like, all three of the main bad guys are trying to get to escape bods,
but they keep getting busted out by different people. So all these skate pods go
out, and it looks like a crown coming. So it looks like Statue of Liberty.
Now from Mega Maid. A bear gets in one. And the president
tries to get into that one that the bears inks it's the only one left.
But the bear's there. So he gets out and there we go. And then
the ship counts down. It goes like ten,
nine, eight, six. And they're like, what happened to seven? They go, just kidding.
Then it gets down to zero. Tells them to have a nice day. They say
thank you, and the ship explodes. After this, we cut to
a news report, and that is our next clip. By Stroid
on a sadder note, pizza the hutt, famed half
man, half pizza, was found dead earlier today in
the backseat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious
gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.
Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky 5000.
Pongo. Whoever said, when? You see? Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket. Now we don't have have to pay him the million.
We can keep it for ourselves. Yeah.
Vesper, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again.
Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you're home
and safe. And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy
to see you. Hello.
Where have you been? Next time.
Hiya, big steph. Hi, dream.
What do you have? We just got a couple minutes. Where? We're gassing up.
What's ready. I can give you the space soup or the space special.
Um, I'll have this. I'll have
the cleavage special. Okay.
One special and one soup.
Wow. Great order. Yes. We'll both have a luna fish.
Oh. Anything to drink? Hey, hey, watch where you're sticking that thing.
Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own,
sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.
What? So we were lost. None of us
knew where we were. And then Harry began feeling around on
all the trees. And he said, I got it.
We on Pluto. It was Harry. How can you tell?
He said, from the bark, you dumbest. From the bark.
Is he all right? Yeah, the guy digs
me. Hey, what's wrong with this guy? I don't know.
Bring him some water. My ass. Bring this
guy some pepto bismol. Waitress.
Waitress. What did he order? Oh, he had a special.
That's what I ordered. Changed my order to the soup.
Oh, no, not again.
Hello, my baby hello, my honey hello, my rag hot girl
send me a. Kiss by wine baby, my heart's on
fire if you refuse me, honey, you lose
me then you'll be left alone. Old baby tell and
tell me I'm. Your own check,
please. Five minutes to magic time.
Are you all right, my dear? You look a little flighty.
Don't worry about me, father. I'm completely over him.
Ha. Didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million space
bucks and ran. He didn't take the million. He didn't? No.
He just took 248 spacebucks for lunch, gas and tolls.
I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could have stayed
for the wedding feast. I'm starving. Have you got anything to eat? Oh, wait a
minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. Here, chow down.
Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you. No. Okay.
Yogurt. Hello, boys. Well, you opened your fortune cookie,
so here's your fortune. Won't stop. You know that medallion that you
wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it
means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes.
Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen,
which makes you a certified prince.
Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince.
Which means. Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess
in your future. Now, if you want to get back there before she marries sleeping
beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment.
Good luck, boys. Buy yogurt. And yogurt, thanks to. You're welcome.
And may the Schwartz be with your.
What a world. What a world. Open that glove compartment.
You got it, your highness. Wow.
Liquid Schwartz. Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
Right.
Look at that.
Hang on, Barfo. We're gonna make space tracks. They even
worked in a piss joke there with the Schwarz juice. Yeah.
My favorite is. That was actually John hurt reprising his role in the
diner. Yeah, it was really, really cool of him. It was actually my absolute
favorite part of the movie. I always think it comes earlier in the movie than
where it does. So I always feel like I forgot. Like I missed it.
Like I looked away and I missed it. And then when I finally get to
see it, I'm like, oh, that's weird that it's here. And it's like, oh,
yeah, it's because they already left and they have to come back. So that's
why they made this diner sequence. Yes. Well, anyway, we see the
maid head and hand fall onto a planet. And it's
the planet of the apes. As the apes go up it, so it looks like
the end. Seen the planet of the apes, but all three of
the leaders from spaceballs are alive. And they're coming out of her nose.
The two apes sit. There he goes. Oh, spaceballs.
Well, shit. There goes the planet. We cut back
to the wedding, and that is our final clip.
Again, why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money? I didn't
think it was important. May I continue, please?
Besides, he asked me not to tell you. Thank you. To join
Princess Vespa and Princess Valium.
I'm sorry. It's the hair. Prince Valium
in the bonds of holy matrimony. See it
all now. Don't you see he loves me? Excuse me.
I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love.
Please be quiet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry. Be quiet. I'm sorry. To join
Princess Vespa and Prince Valian in
the bonds of holy moly matrimony.
That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.
Take no more chances by doing a short version. Prince Valiant, do you
take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife? Uh huh. Princess Vespa, do you
take Prince Valiant to be your lawfully wedded husband? Uh. Well,
I. I suppose. Well. Oh,
I don't know. No, she doesn't. What?
Who the hell are you? Prince. Lone Star prince.
I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest
to God prince. Will you marry me? Well,
let me think about it. Yes.
I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna
marry somebody today. Who are you? I'm the best man.
What's your name? Barf. Your full name?
Bartholomew. Are you the one that's getting married? No. Then get over
there. Okay, here we go. The short, short version.
Do you? Yes. Do you? Yes. Good.
I love you. I love you. That priest sure
gets angry about his time being wasted. I know, but I love it. It's great.
So anyway. Roll credits. Cinema psyops 1010
years. Ten years. Yeah, man. I definitely
need to watch comedy with other people. Otherwise I won't enjoy it as much.
Unless it's one for sure that I know that I'm going to laugh at for
whatever reason that I connect with it better. Because. Yeah.
Comedy's better in a group, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. It just is. I mean,
that's true, but. Yeah. What a great movie. I have no notes other
than I just love this movie. Yeah. I mean,
does it push boundaries? Absolutely. Is it satire to the point of
self parody? Absolutely. Does it rip all
Sci-Fi a new one, and justifiably so with the jokes that
it makes? Yes, definitely. It's way more cartoony than I
remembered it being I think that's probably something that I've noticed with age is that
a lot of Mel Brooks films feel like they're meant to be,
like, kids level of comedy, but, like, done dirty
for adults, essentially. Like, they're, like, super immature. And I just.
I don't know, as the more I age, the more immature Mel Brooks movies
seem to me. And, like, intentionally so. And I'm okay with that.
Like, they're like, the humor is very juvenile. Intentionally so.
Like, I think the reason he targets PG and PG 13 is because he
knows that he can only make, like, twelve and 13 year olds laugh. And if
he gets them, then he's got them forever, you know? And that's why I think
so. That's why his comedies went from, like, being really adult to pretty much
targeting kids just because it was easier. It's like I get them hooked for life
and they'll just always love this. It'll be fine. Yeah. Like tobacco industry.
Yeah, basically, that's why he did it, like, every couple of decades. He wanted to
get a new generation. So they go back and look at the other stuff.
Yeah. Yeah. That's just. It's.
It's a great fucking marketing strategy. If that's what he did. It really is.
I'm not blaming him for that at all. It's a great way to get your
movies out there, you know? And he's got lifelong fans of
each different movies and nobody really agrees on
which one is the best. Like, you know, like, at all. Most people say blazing
saddles. Absolutely. But everybody's got a favorite besides blazing saddles,
you know what I mean? Blazing saddles, yeah. You know, you say young Frankenstein?
Yeah. That's my absolute favorite of his is young Frankenstein for sure,
for obvious reasons. And Dracula dead and loving it. Of the later output,
you know, I mean, producers. I mean, there's been two films
made for the producers and then, you know, of course, it's been always a hit
Broadway play, so, I mean, it's fucking outstanding. Yeah.
I need to go back and watch the older film of the producers. I've only
ever seen the one where Will Ferrell plays the playwright. Guy who
declares that the Fuhrer was always butch. Yeah,
he was butch. And his middle name
was Elizabeth, apparently. Oh, Jesus.
I would cover common law assistant.
Oh, man. We're gonna have to do the producers someday.
Shit's just fucking great. Yeah, well,
we can always have a listen of retrospective stuff to do.
If we get on Mel Brooks, we'll be on it forever, though, that's for sure.
Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. But whatever we cover along the way before then,
you know, we can always go back and do some other stuff. Like just play.
That's right. Like a 52 pickup of somebody's career.
Something like that, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what. I think I'm ready to move
on to a story time if you are, and we can wrap up this episode
because, I mean, what else are we gonna say about fucking baseballs that we weren't
saying during it while we were great. Yeah,
absolutely. Well, I'm gonna go ahead and play spaceball's the
theme song on the pirate radio edit, and immediately after that, we'll have that
story time. If you're living in a bubble and you haven't
got a kiss,
then it's gonna be in trouble. Cause we're gonna steal your
ass.
Cause what you got is what we need? And all we do is dirty
deep with a face ball with
a spaceball.
We're the masters of faith.
Don't mess around with the face ball.
Oh, man. It's kind of hard not to play that spaceball's theme. I think I'm
gonna risk trying to get that on the main feed, too, maybe. Why not?
Yeah, that's worth it. It's a theme song. It's featured in the movie. It's like.
It's just, like, taking clips right out of the movie. So I think I can
get away with it. I think you could. Yeah. What I'd like to
get away with is you telling us story time.
Story time.
Story time. I still only play that live because
I know you love to hear it. So I just keep playing it live for
you. If you ever get tired of it, I can always stop. I will never
get tired of that. So, all right, my story tell.
I'm gonna actually tell the story. When I first watched spaceballs, and I actually thought.
When I saw spaceballs, I thought it was like a real movie,
for lack of a better word. I mean, it is a real movie. You thought
it was a real space movie? Yeah. Not a comedy. Right. You didn't
get that? It was supposed to be a joke. I got it. Yeah. And I
watched it, and I was probably, uh. I think six.
No, no, fourth grade. But as back with
you, I lived in a small town, and I can just go to the video
store by myself and really rent anything. And so I did that.
And, um. And I I just remember I.
I wore that tape out. I would go back. I'd return
it just to get it again, just to reread it. I could not get
enough of it. Um, I just, even being a kid,
I just laughed. Laugh. I got. So would
you say, you know, maybe his comedy is for kids or something? You're not wrong,
because I'm in fourth grade and I'm finding now a lot of it. I,
you know, some things I didn't understand, I do now, and that's even better.
But it was fucking fantastic.
And, yeah, just made me laugh constantly.
And now. And one of the great things about this then is how
now I can kind of just enjoy,
you know, I really look at spaceballs and it got funnier and funnier as
I got older because now it's like, oh, I understand this
joke. Or, hey, there's a whole new joke now where I didn't understand it before
and I got it now. It is just fucking. It's one of the reasons why
this might be my favorite Mel Brooks comedy is cause
this is the one I watched, you know, this this
one kind of, I aged with it. And so I got
so many more, like, jokes from it as, you know,
it just kept going and going where a lot of his other stuff is just,
I didn't watch it till I was older, so I just understood all the jokes
right away. Yeah, that's exactly what I was
talking about earlier. He gets you the movie that you grow up with. And I
think he started that formula with spaceballs, and I think it hit
with him for, like, several decades. He kept doing that. Yeah. And I was
just like, this is, this is the best. So I'll always.
I always go back to spaceballs. I probably watch it at least
once a year. I was just so happy we
did this film. When you said top ten films, I already. I know what I'm
doing. Yeah. I said I'd give you ten that we could cover and not Star
wars. So that was kind of criteria. Yeah. So I did.
I got second best of Star wars. I'd cut spaceballs.
You got the Star wars movie that you thought was a Star wars knockoff
movie. Watching it as a kid when it turned out to be a Star wars
parody. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And another
thing we always have to remember is what they always. I forgot to talk
about was that we, we missed whether at
the trucking station, the Millennium Falcon is
there. Oh, yeah. They did get away with that, didn't they? Yeah, they did.
It's the only spaceship there. The rest are like, when a bagels
like theirs. Yeah. So again,
just a fucking great stuff. We could
probably talk about spaceballs for hours upon hours, which is
little moments of this and that, which is why I'm glad you clipped out all
of their, like, the moments that we would talk about the absolute most. Right.
So we could just focus in on the certain parts that we did, like,
a little bit more than just talking about every single thing that's in the
film. Yeah, it's so hard to do that. Talk about every little thing.
That's a lot. But this. This was just golden stuff right here.
Well, when I was very, very little, I don't know what.
What year was. Spaceballs, do you remember? 19.
87. 87. Okay. So I would have been maybe like
eight years old and. Yeah, it would have been on maybe
HBO. It would have been on maybe like a year or so later at the
most. So I would say I was like nine or ten. Probably the first time
I saw this, whenever it hit HBO is when I first. Yeah, I was nine
when it came out, so. And I think, I don't know if it
lasted in theaters long, but, yeah, I also remember when it
came out on HBO. That was after I'd already seen it on
video, so I got way more into it then.
It was just great. Okay, so I caught it at a little bit younger
of an age, just because I was younger than you whenever I saw it.
And that thing that you said about believing it to just be like, a straight
up movie, when you would watch stuff on HBO, you would catch things
like munchies, which was trying to be a comedy, tongue in
cheek, but, like, full fledged just movie telling a story. So seeing something like
spaceballs didn't really seem like it was a parody of anything.
And it was just like an ice pirates, where it was trying really hard to
be a movie, but just failing while doing it. Yeah, you know, like, I get
what you're trying to say. Like, I couldn't see the difference between an ice pirates
kind of film, which was trying to be an actual tongue in cheek comedy action
movie, and this type of movie, which was trying to spoof the type of
movie that it was spoofing. I could see where you would have that confusion because
I remember watching it in that frame of mind, and until you told you your
story time about it, didn't even think about it. And I think that's basically where
my theory came from, too, of, you catch Mel Brooks movies at the
right age, you know, and I'm sure that I bonded with this film
because when I was that age, I was still into Star wars and such,
but I really lost interest in Star wars shortly after
this something ended up shifting in me
around puberty, where I started really liking dark,
twisted horror and things like that a lot more. Yeah. But I was obsessed
with Star wars and monsters kind of equally. Like where I loved universal monster.
I was like a mini kid from the late fifties
transported into my mind or
something like that, where my brain was like a monster kid from
like the earlier decades mixed with the Star wars and stuff that was obsessed with
my contemporaries. Like, I just had. I just had room for so many fandoms,
and I still do. It's just that I get so obsessed with
horror that it really expands out and takes most of the room of all
the other fandoms. Yeah, I was actually, probably was in fifth or 6th
grade thinking about it when. And I saw in a video cassette finally.
Yeah. I didn't realize that you're just like, you're about two ish years older
than me, but that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's just. Cause we're about
the same level of maturity even though you're two years old. Pretty much.
Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But we're gonna put. Put a pin in this
and call it a day on an episode. What do you think? I think.
Yeah. Yeah, I think we're ready. All right, so we're gonna play the show housekeeping
here. And immediately following that on the pirate radio edit, we will have the band
accept with the song balls to the walls because, well, it's all about balls,
apparently with walls in this case. Yeah. Right after that, if you've
decided you can't get enough of the show and would like to check out more
of it, we're available@ legionpodcasts.com dot just do a quick search for
cinema psyops, or just enter this entire URL into your browser.
Www.legionpodcasts.com Cinema
Dash Psyops Dash podcast also available along with all
of the fellow legionnaires on the Legion discord chat.
And now let's give you a rundown of the memes and how you're going to
get them through cinema psyops. The easiest place to go is to subscribe
to our Instagram feed, which is our main meme
repository at cinema Psyops. Or you could also
follow the Facebook page of cinema psyops because they are immediately
posted there after they get posted to. And now
a very special episode of law and bad comedy
units criminal justice system. The people are represented by
two separate. Yet equally important groups, the police who.
Investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.
These are their stories. Well, experiment over now,
court. It's munchies. That film ruined your ability to enjoy
comedy and probably made it so you can't even experience any joy
in your life. Well, it really wasn't that bad.
Oh, are you kidding me? That's terrible.
Whoever even wrote that should be arrested and prosecuted
to the fullest extent of the comedic laws.
It's not even just plagiarism. It's just bad comedy. Well,
I mean, when I saw it, I was a kid, so I really don't think
it had that much that. Wasn'T even funny for a kid.
And if. Now, if that's the idea that you get of what comedy
should be, it's ruined you for life. You really think that a comedy could be
that bad that it could ruin a kid for life? Yes, I do.
Sir, we brought you in here tonight on suspect that you
are the head writer for the movie munchies. Is that
correct? Yeah, I mean, that was like in the eighties. I mean, it's been.
Sir, there's no statue of limitations on bad taste. And not only
that, but horrible comedy. Your movie could get
fall to the hands of a child and ruin his interpretation of
what laughter and joy should be for the rest of his life.
Come on, man. It was just a paycheck. I mean, I just wrote what
they. Told me to do. I mean, it's not my fault. Yeah, well,
now I have to do what they tell me to do, which is book you.
Oh, boy. That's fucking great. I actually really dig that
song. I used to, like, play it and make fun of it, but now I'm
actually into it, and I think it's fucking great. Yeah,
it's weird. To the wall. Yeah. It's weird how your taste
changes you age. It really, truly is. I'm kind of more and more mesmerized in
how the changes in my personality have happened over time, and I don't know
why. And I guess I don't really care because I'm just gonna keep living.
Yeah, just keep living your life.
But while you're out there, also keeping living, kick the fuck out
of this week and make it your bitch while you enjoy on the pirate radio
edit war pig with the song melody with balls from 1970.
Sir, is it true that your occupation
is that of a writer? On occasion, yes. I've also been an actor
and directed. But that's all we need, sir. Your honor, I would like to go
ahead and submit evidence a through c.
Your honor, I object. May I just say, when you look at my evidence.
I think you'll back me up on this one. Oh, terrible.
Let's see. Hmm. Yeah. Um. I'm going
to allow it. Bailiff, please take these sheets over to the jury. Your honor,
I would also like to submit video evidence. I give you now
the trailer for munchies. Ladies and gentlemen,
the jury. I'll be brief. If you look at the evidence,
not only do you say, this man is not a writer, if you
look at the evidence, you'll see he's more dangerous than any drug dealer known
to, for he poisons children's minds into
thinking that this is what good storytelling and
comedy are supposed to be about. If stop the tape.
I rest my case. The evidence is now incontrovertible.
There is no need for the jury to retire. I find munchies
guilty of being a bad comedy, destroying the
fabric, and being of a child's ability to laugh.
Court is adjourned.
How you doing? Not too bad. Let's get this started. Recording in
progress. And I am ready to rock and roll on
spaceballs, if you are. Hells the air. All right, we got to get you
ready to roll by, like, 430 ish at the most,
right. And obviously, they'll break between episodes. Okay. I still kind want
to start dropping out clips like the longer ones and stuff and jumping around them
and everything so we can still have a little bit of fun. Okay. All right,
awesome. Let's go ahead and get started on that. And I
don't have to play the intro or anything, so give me a second. Three,
two, one. Don't look behind that door.
Oh, what the fuck? Oh, that's my
robots. I was inspired by war of the robots, only I'm building actual robots.
And eventually, eventually, when I get them all done, I'm gonna go to war.
Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, right? I'm into that.
Well, aren't you glad you're on my side? I am totally glad I'm on your
side. So, real robots, right? And I'm gonna end up making
cyborgs, too, so that they'll better take commands because, you know, that whole Skynet
thing, I'm a little worried about that, so I want at least some doing.
So then you know that a cyborg isn't a robot that
ends that fight. Well, yeah, right. A cyborg is not a robot.
Well, see, yeah. But an Android and a robot are pretty much the same thing.
They're not the same thing.
But while you're out there also keeping living, kick the fuck
out of this week and make it your bitch while you enjoyed on the pirate
radio edit war pig with the song melody with balls from
1970. All right? So it turns into a freaking psychedelic
jam. From there. It gets really, really weird. Yeah. And that's
gonna be the end of this recording stopped.