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The Melanated Mindset™ is a self-improvement podcast for melanated millennials seeking to heal, evolve, and elevate through exploration and holistic wellness. Hosted by Tahj, each episode we explore mindset, personal growth, purpose, identity, healing, mindfulness, and intentional living through honest conversations and real-life transitions. Let this safe digital space serve as your reminder that, you don't have to have it all figured out — and you don't have to do it alone.
The Melanated Mindset™ is a Ground Guide Co. Production.
S6E10 ISO
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[Quote of the day]
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[00:00:00]
Tahj: Sometimes the more you try to fit in, the more you stand out.
[Intro]
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Tahj: Hey, you. Yeah, you. You didn't stumble here by chance, so you might as well stick around for a while. This is a space where we don't just talk about becoming, we embrace it. I'm your host, Tahj, and in this safe corner of the internet, we're exploring everything that it means to come home to ourselves, mind, body, spirit, and everything in between.
This is a place where awareness meets embodiment, where we question what we've been taught, we reconnect with what we know, and most importantly, we give ourselves permission to evolve. So whether you're here for the holistic wellness tips, the wisdom, the real-life conversations, [00:01:00] or simply just the reminders that you're not alone on this journey, you're in the right place.
So take a deep breath, get comfy, and let's get into some things because I got a lot to say. This is the Melanated Mindset, a Ground Guide Collective production
[Acknowledgments]
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Tahj: As always, I have to start each episode by taking this time to thank you. Yes, you, for sharing space with me today.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I don't take your time or your energy for granted.
[Moment of mindfulness]
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Tahj: Y'all know the vibes by now. Time for our moment of mindfulness. Same exercise that we've been doing pretty much the whole season. If you're new here, we're gonna breathe in through our nose for three seconds. Then we're gonna hold it at the top for six seconds, and then we're gonna slowly exhale through our mouths for nine seconds.
But when you exhale through your mouth, we are going to [00:02:00] do it as if we were blowing through a straw or if we were trying to cool down some hot food, and that's called breathing through pursed lips. And we're gonna do that full circuit twice. So wherever you are, whatever you're doing, take a second to just pause.
You know, come into yourself. Close your eyes if you feel called to. Roll your shoulders down your back and away from your ears. Maybe you sit up just a little bit straighter or stand up just a little bit straighter so you can add some length into your spine. And if you're ready, we are going to take a nice first deep breath in through our nose for three, two, one.
Holding it at the top for six, five, four, three, two, one. Exhaling out through our mouths for nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, [00:03:00] three, two, one. Catch your breath. If you're new here and this is your first kind of intentional breathing exercise, it's completely normal to feel winded or out of breath. Sometimes we just don't realize that we're not necessarily expanding our lungs the way we should, and intentional breathing tends to do that to you.
It teaches you that you wasn't breathing right But if you caught your breath and you're ready, we're gonna do that whole thing one more time, okay? So we're gonna take one more deep breath in through our nose for three, two, one. Holding it at the top for six, five, four, three, two, one, and breathing out through our mouth for nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
That was a lot, right? But with that exhale, I want you to just imagine yourself releasing all of [00:04:00] that stale air, that stale energy, and know that whatever you brought with you to our time together today, you officially have permission to put it down and leave it at the door. Enter this space just as you are, free of all expectations, and with one last deep breath in through our nose, no hold this time, exhale out through our mouths, inside out.
Blink your eyes open if you closed them, and you can go back to whatever it is you were doing, and let's get flowing, shall we?
[Prelude]
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Tahj: It has been quite the season, and here we are, y'all. We made it to the season finale. And again, I just want to thank you guys, the tribe, for making it this far. I have poured a lot of time and intention into this season, and I truly hope that it came across to you guys.
I hope that you got something that you [00:05:00] needed, and more importantly, I hope that I was able to help guide you back to yourself. Regardless of wherever you are on that journey, I'm along for the ride. But we're not quite done yet. We spent this season deep diving into the many pillars that make up our wellness from a holistic perspective.
Our romantic relationships are a big part of how we feel and whether or not we feel well or whole, so I thought that it was important that obviously we talk about that too. I wanted to make sure that when we touched on this, though, that it would be a very well-rounded conversation, one that could only take place with somebody who can relate to both going and growing through a long-term relationship, somebody who also has 13 years of marriage experience to pull from.
But before I tell you who it is, that's where the fun [00:06:00] fact comes in.
[Fendi Fact]
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Tahj: Again, I feel like the National Library of Medicine has really been holding us down this season, but they're back with another banger. Y'all know the drill. I'm just gonna kind of read a relevant part of it. It goes on to read, "Despite drastic changes in the American family, a significant minority of Americans marry early.
Using data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, this study evaluates the prevalence and antecedents of early marriage in the United States. The results indicate 25% of women and 16% of men marry before age 23, and early marriage varies widely across a number of characteristics.
Individuals who marry earlier are more likely to be from disadvantaged families, from conservative Protestant or Mormon families, to value their religious faith more highly, [00:07:00] to have a high school diploma but a lower educational trajectory-" And to cohabitate before marriage. Changes in marriage, cohabitation, divorce, remarriage, and non-marital fertility over the past 60 years have fueled debates amongst policymakers, scholars, and laypeople alike about the future of the family.
In addition to documenting these shifts and their effect on the well-being of children and adults, family scholars are thinking more critically about the causes that underlie these changes. Among the more notable changes is an evident shift in the union formation patterns of young adults, marked by a delay in the age at first marriage and an increase in cohabitation according to the US Census.
[Guest introduction]
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Tahj: So that was a lot of marital facts, and if you're part of the tribe, [00:08:00] which you should be by now, you have probably already figured it out by now. But if you're new here and you can't tell, I'm not alone today. We are sharing our space with my favorite person, with y'all's favorite person. Hey, baby.
Leek: Good morning, guys.
Good morning, baby.
Tahj: Mr. Melanated Mindset himself. If you're new here, this is my husband. Y'all can call him Leek. How you feeling?
Leek: I'm feeling great. It is I, Mr. Watson Leek.
Tahj: How does it feel to be mic'd up again?
Leek: Man, it's been a long time.
Tahj: Over two years since the last time we did an episode together.
Leek: Yeah.
You really lo- lose track of time when life is just giving it to you, you know?
Tahj: You said a mouthful there.
Leek: Tribulations, ups, downs.
Tahj: Sideways, diagonal ways.
Leek: And just like that, two years has gone by.
Tahj: Just like that, it's been two years. All right, baby, [00:09:00] you heard the Fendi fact. How does it feel to know that we beat the odds?
Because studies show that we should either be poor, divorced- Mm ... going through religious psychosis- Mm ... and/or uneducated right now. And we are blessed and fortunate to be none of those things. How, how does that make you feel?
Leek: Well, it's not a surprise As Black people, if you educate yourself, we have pulled through and overcome a plethora of things that we should all be proud of.
And being from New York, you know how it is. They go left, we go right. Pretty much. But how do you feel knowing that with all the odds stacked against us, here we are about to celebrate 13 years of marriage? I feel like we are setting [00:10:00] the foundation for our kids to look up to because we didn't have that.
Tahj: I agree 1,000%. And if someone was to ask me, like, what would be the secret? How did we beat those odds? I've struggled for years to figure out what the answer to that would be, but I think that now that I think about it, it's just-
Leek: What, what's the answer?
Tahj: How do we beat the odds? The stats are stacked against us.
Leek: I would say it's a mixture of pride for oneself And open-mindedness
Tahj: I agree. I agree, I agree. And I also think what really kind of catalyst us into a good place was that we both knew that we wanted more.
Leek: Mm-hmm.
Tahj: We weren't necessarily always sure of what that more was, but we just knew we wanted more than what we had.
And you were the first person I came in [00:11:00] contact with at that age that wasn't just talking about wanting more, but was actively making decisions to get more.
[Our introduction to military life]
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Tahj: The tribe knows, we've talked about this before, but like I just d- I, I wasn't familiar with military life at all, but I really thought about it like, damn, like he's 19.
He said he wanna get out the hood. He did something about it. He did something crazy. He went and signed his name on a dotted line for Uncle Sam. He's dead ass. Like, he's trying to get outta here. And you know what? I was trying to get outta here too, and I already had, you know, college lined up. I was like, "Yeah, I'm getting outta here too."
Damn, he the only other person I know that's like, he ain't just saying he trying to leave. He's, he's up outta here.
Leek: And that's also how I know I was feeling you, 'cause I ain't even tell nobody that.
Tahj: Did you really?
Leek: Nah.
Tahj: I don't think I knew that.
Leek: Nah. The only people that knew I had joined was like T.
Tahj: Mm-hmm.
Leek: But I, I didn't boast it or none of that. I was halfway embarrassed, to be honest. Really? Why? Yeah, because- Do you wanna talk about that? Because [00:12:00] before it was introduced to me, I always looked at the military as a bad thing. I was already, you know, deconstructed and extra woke, so you know, when I was in school-
Tahj: I married Dr.
Umar, y'all. If you have never had the pleasure of being in my husband and I's company and you really are curious, I've listened to this girl talk all season like what kind of man did she marry? If Dr. Umar and Cameron had a baby- Listen, B There we go. There we go. There goes your answer. If you don't know who those people are, look 'em up.
Low key, if you don't know who those people are, I-- how did you find us here? No shade. But I want to circle back to you said you felt embarrassed about joining the military.
Leek: Yeah, so you know, my heroes still is, is like Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, and the Black Panther Party, Bobby Seale, figures like that. And so fighting for the white man was just seen as something you don't need to [00:13:00] do.
Mm-hmm. Plus remnants of how Black soldiers were treated for the Vietnam War. Mm-hmm. Even just how Black soldiers in general have been treated from Civil War, Vietnam War, whatever. The military and Black people, America and Black people, even though that's a different s- discussion, it's always been a bad history and it's like why fight for-- Like a famous quote from Muhammad Ali when they asked him, you know, "Why are you not entering the draft when they trying to draft you?"
And he's like, "Why would I fight the Vietnamese When my country don't even fight for me when I'm right here. So I'm not going over there and messing up the Vietnamese way of life just because you want me to do that, and you don't even respect me here. You look at me as an animal. You beat on me, lock me up for anything.
So growing up, I was like, "Nah, I ain't doing that."
Tahj: You know, I never, I never thought that that might have been how you felt. Honestly, I-- You were just so confident in your decision that I was like, "Oh, okay." Like, he got [00:14:00] his shit together. But, oh, wow, that's a new perspective. See? This is why I love the pod, because I am still learning things about you 13 years later.
[How did our marriage survive?]
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Tahj: What can you say that you actually learned about staying married while both people are constantly changing? 'Cause we're in no way the same kids that got married at 18 and 20. We had to go through kind of like The roughness and rigidness of adulthood at the same time, but, like, together.
Leek: And I see, and, and I believe just what you said is the advantage that getting married young might have, because we didn't come into a union already set in certain ways before we met.
Tahj: Agreed.
Leek: But it's like no matter what, I might be going through different experiences right now, but so, so is she. Like, I already have life experience, and I'm coming to you and I'm already [00:15:00] 30, and I have all these past experiences that I'm going to compare our relationship with.
Tahj: Mm-hmm.
Leek: And pretty much baggage that I might have already accumulated over my experience, and now I'm coming into the relationship with that rather than going through life pretty mu- kinda at a clean slate because, I mean, we were kids.
Tahj: Mm-hmm.
Leek: You know? We didn't go through adult experiences yet. We experienced adult experiences together.
Tahj: Did. It was like every hard part about being an adult, I could always know that I could look over and be like, "Yo, he going through this shit too." Like- Yeah ... he figuring this out just like I'm figuring out.
Or like some days just, "Damn, I'm so glad I don't gotta do this shit by myself."
Leek: Yep. Yep. Exactly. And there's things that, you know, that you might not have experienced that I did, or something that I m- may have experienced and you didn't.
Tahj: Thousand percent. [00:16:00] I, I definitely agree that I think that that is one of the benefits.
I don't wanna just get on here and try to, like, promote getting married young, 'cause would I tell our children to do it? Probably not, but I'm also not a hypocrite, so if they decide they wanna do it, I mean, it's their life just as much as it was our life. But I think if I had to say what I learned about staying married while we're both growing and evolving is just that you have to give that buffer space, that grace.
If I would have just kept you in that box of the man or the boy that I married at 20 years old, you wouldn't have had the space or capacity to grow into the man that you are 13 years later, because I would've just had it like, "Okay, this is who I married," rather than, "Okay, this is who I married, but this is who the man that I married is becoming."
So just giving you that space and grace to become and understand that we're in our 30s now, you know? Like- Yeah ... you are, you have [00:17:00] grown, I have grown, and just giving our relationship the space to grow. Like, it needs space to expand. I think that's what I have learned. Just as the two people are constantly changing, you just, you gotta give a little space or a little grace.
I don't wanna say responsibility, but experiencing certain things knowing that you're already married is gonna be different from experiencing things when you're single. Agreed 1,000%. 'Cause you don't have that commitment in the back of your mind like, "All right, what would my wife think about this?" Or- Yeah, I mean that, but then that's the, the perk of not being married to be honest.
You can make decisions that only affect you. You don't have to think about anybody else. So it's kind of a double, double-edged sword for sure. I know we've, we've kind of warmed up to the conversation, but I do want to just take this time to thank you on air for sharing space with me and the tribe today.
[Navigating marriage and career changes]
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Tahj: I feel like before we can even begin to even tell [00:18:00] them where we are collectively today, we have to take them back, right? And by back, I mean to the beginning of 2025 specifically, because that's kind of where the evolution of who we are now began. Would you agree? Yes. Okay, good. I felt like ever since we got off the plane from Italy back in 2021, there has been this invisible clock on our life, because at that point we were on military orders to come here to South Carolina, but we had talked about it and decided before we even got here that this would be our last military move.
This would be where we close that chapter, right? We came here, just us, our son. We bought our first house, all with the plans that your last year in the military would be 2025. So we had four years from the time we touched down to pretty much get that plan in order. I'm gonna keep tagging you in to make sure that our timelines align, because [00:19:00] I don't think we've ever painted the timeline together the way we're about to, and it is very colorful when you take the time to step back and see the big picture.
So, it's January 2025. I had just wrapped filming season five. I was waiting for the trademark to go through, so I knew I wouldn't be bringing back the pod until we secured that. So I'm like, "Okay, I can take a break from the pod and just focus on real estate, making money, and just preparing us for this ETS or our transition out of the military."
And I remember specifically sitting in a session with my therapist, and it was the first one of 2025, so it had to be maybe a couple days into January. And I remember telling her like, "This is it. It's 2025." It is officially the year that we have been planning and bracing for, like our very comfortable, very familiar life bubble was about to pop and we had to make sure that we landed on our feet because over your [00:20:00] 12-plus year career, like we've seen countless people land on their ass and most of the times at no fault to their own, just an unfortunate series of events or maybe lack of preparation.
But that is by design because they do not make getting out or transitioning out easy and the success stories are like the minority and it was our mission to make sure that we were a part of those success stories. And your contract was set to end when and what? June? July of 2025. So it's January, we're six months out at this point And we was gonna go out with a boom.
Boy, were we. Like, for me at least, I felt like we were bracing for impact. Like once January hit, it was like, oh, it's '25. Okay, hold on. Like, brace for impact. Like, what did it feel like for you when January finally came and it was like officially 2025? Felt like we was at the [00:21:00] peak of a rollercoaster. It's so funny you say that 'cause you'll hear why later in the episode, but to talk about it.
And to me, ever since we had went to GovTech, which was the month prior, back in December of 2024, where you networked and you spoke to that guy and got that good piece of VA info, and it just, everything just worked out perfectly timeframe-wise, that essentially all we had to do when we got back was just cruise to the finish line.
Like, smooth on through till your contract was up. You knew exactly what your plans and your goals were, and I knew that my role was to help us prepare and make as much extra money as possible so we knew for sure, like, we would be comfortable. Our plan was, was foolproof. And not for nothing, my therapist said so, too.
Like, she agreed. And that's really what I loved about having not only a Black woman as a therapist, but a Black woman who was a veteran, but not only a Black woman who was a veteran, but also a Black woman who was a veteran who at another point in time was also a military spouse. So I [00:22:00] feel like she just understood me from all angles of life.
She really understood you wanting to get out when I expressed that to her, 'cause hell, that's what she did. She didn't do her 20. So when I told her like, "Hey, my husband trying to get out the military," she was like, "Oh girl, I get it." And that was important for me. At that time, I didn't know how much just talking to somebody who's been in your shoes that could give me perspective to what you may be thinking or what you may be feeling, I didn't know how much I needed that in that time.
But she also really understood how hard it was for me as the spouse to just support you through such a major, not only lifestyle change, but mindset change, 'cause it was a lot. The military was all we knew up until that point. We dated for a while before you joined the military, but again, I was in high school.
We were kids. And then military came and then adulthood came, and that was really all you knew at that point So I didn't [00:23:00] know how to support you, but, like, I wanted you to feel like I supported you, but I also didn't wanna stress you out with like, "Okay, what are we gonna do?" I didn't wanna be one of those wives that was just like, "Well, you can't get out because, you know, da, da, da, da, da."
I knew that you, for a while, had felt like you had outgrown your time in the, in the service, and I could see what it was doing to you physically, mentally, and I knew that if I wanted to be a good partner and if I wanted to give you that room that we talked about, I had to allow you room to grow in your career and not just force you to stay boxed into kind of what was comfortable for us.
Yeah, the military lifestyle definitely requires a lot from you. And not just from you, from your loved ones too. Oh, ab- oh, absolutely. They say it's family friendly, family oriented. Eh. Then they also say if they wanted you to have a family, they would've what? They would've issued you one. Yeah, and that's a real saying, y'all.
Yep. It's crazy. But going back to the conversation with my [00:24:00] therapist, I had walked her through our plans countless times, and she just reassured me that it was gonna work as long as we did our part, because it... We had a very simple blueprint that was foolproof, and she knew that. Most importantly, she just reassured me that I was really worrying about things that hadn't even happened yet.
Literally self-induced anxiety. That conversation should sound familiar to the tribe because we talked about that in the beginning of the season. I was worrying about, well, what if this happens or what if that happens? But my therapist, she was truly the one that planted the seeds for me to ground myself in the, the right now, truly, like, be where my feet are.
And she was trying so hard to really, to just get me to just be in the right now. Things are okay right now, and just remember that I can't control anything, let alone things that haven't even happened yet. Like, she had to [00:25:00] constantly bring me back down to the ground 'cause, child, I was on that lady couch spiraling, babe.
I was holding it together at home, but I was spiraling on that lady couch. At that time, I just didn't know how not to be stressed. I did, however, take some of her advice and I did find comfort in knowing that, you know, things would be fine, our plan would work, and we would just walk into our new life completely unscathed.
[Our plan to get out the Army almost failed]
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Tahj: And it wasn't until February of 2025, the very next month, that we found out just how much things were truly out of our control, and it was such an eventful month thinking back on it. It was one that started with me finally receiving the official notification that the Melanated Mindset trademark had been registered after a year-long process.
Build you up. Mm-hmm. We own the IP. I'm planning season six. It's lit Then that turned into a beautiful celebratory [00:26:00] getaway vacation to this romantic yurt in the woods for Valentine's Day. We had a beautiful, beautiful Valentine's Day 2025. And then somehow we ended the month with a ruptured Achilles and an emergency surgery It give me chills you saying that two days before I was flying out of the country.
Isn't it crazy to sit and think how fast things were moving for us? Well, when that happened for me, everything slowed down. Well, yeah, but up until that point, literally December, GovTech, February, yurt vacation for Valentine's Day, middle of February, injury, last two days of February, surgery, first two days of March, I'm out the country on a trip that's already paid for.
And on the horizon of all of that, we knew that you were supposed to be getting out in just about four months at that point. But the injury ended up [00:27:00] being a lot more serious than I expected, if I'm being honest. Way more serious. I thought your shit was just sprained, like you'll be good in three to four weeks.
I was not expecting you to have to go to physical therapy, have to relearn how to walk, to be immobile for months all out of nowhere. Uh, everything but a damn wheelchair. Our day-to-day life changed so drastically. Bag over your leg to take a shower. It was insane. Like, were you expecting the recovery to really be as intense as it was?
Leek: Yes. Really? I, babe, I ain't know nothing about no damn Achilles. I'm like, "Oh, it's like a sprain. Nothing broke, right?" Nah, Achilles is a, that's a serious injury. It's like- I know that now ... for athletes, it's almost- Career ending ... career ending. Hmm. It's funny you mention that. But before we can even get to that, I talked about on the pod mainly in the [00:28:00] beginning of this season just how overwhelmed I was as far as just being stressed out.
Tahj: I talked, you know, we just talked about the conversation with my therapist about me being just really stressed out.
[In sickness and in health]
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Tahj: At the time, did you realize how much of my energy was really going into pouring into you and making sure you were okay? Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm very appreciative of everything you did for me during that time.
Of course. I mean- 'Cause it was a, 'cause it was a lot of, a lot of pressure on you. A lot of weight was just dumped onto your shoulders. And I feel like it just happened so abruptly that I was like, "Okay." And I think I talked about this earlier in the season, but everybody is fiending to get married, to get down that aisle, to say they I dos, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.
And don't get me wrong, we done had some close calls, but I think this was the first time that in sickness or in health really was put [00:29:00] into perspective. Like, what does life look like when your partner just physically can't give anymore? Somebody has to pick up that slack, especially we had our son. He wasn't in school at the time.
I was working, and I think I mentioned you injured your right foot, so not only could you not walk, you couldn't drive for months. I literally had to chauffeur you around. You had to go to a bunch of doctor's appointments, VA appointment. It was so much I felt like I was trying to carry. So when I tell you I was spiraling on that lady's couch, I remember one session, I just went in there and cried the whole hour, and we just sat in silence.
And I just said thank you on the way out. There was a lot of stuff I was trying to get you to do. I just needed a place to break down where I didn't feel bad about it. And it's crazy because another thing I wasn't expecting was for that same injury to get in the way of my 30th birthday plans. You were supposed to be fetting in [00:30:00] London and chipping right down the road with me.
Costume deposit paid and everything. Y'all, I was gonna get him in a backpack, okay? He was fighting me hard, but I convinced him to, to, to get a backpack. It wasn't my time. Listen, I owe you on that one It's just crazy to think the chain of events that you getting injured set off, because in the midst of it, there was a moment where we began to doubt our plans and you considered staying in and extending, right?
Leek: Yeah. Talk about that. Where were you in your mental space? Shoot, I was just, just getting pulled left or right. Like, should I do this? Should I do that? Would that be the right move? Is that gonna make her happy? Is that gonna make me happy? Is that beneficial for my son? Is this the right time? Maybe it's not the right time.
Maybe you just stick through it. Maybe you just, maybe you just have to give up your [00:31:00] mental health for the benefit of the family. Maybe you have to give up your physical health, which is, you know, an easy choice, but is it the right choice? Just so, so much conflicting thoughts just going in and out, and all of this is on top of I can't even be active or go clear my mind really, you know, 'cause I have to, I have to rest up and I'm, and I'm in pain and I'm on meds, and I don't want my bad moment to, to seep into the, the rest of the household.
Tahj: So it was a lot of mixed emotions going on. Trust me, I, I saw it on your exterior. I feel like I could see the dark clouds that was over you. I could s- see the weight of the world on your shoulders. Like, you didn't stand up straight, you didn't sit up straight. You just felt like you just shrunk and, like, life was just squeezing the life out of you, and I was just trying so [00:32:00] hard to be like, "It's okay.
We'll be okay. Whatever you decide, like, we can figure this out." And then the craziest part wasn't even the actual injury, it was that then we found out the doctor wanted you on a dead man's profile for at least a year. You had less than six months left on your current contract, and here you are injured for at least the next year.
And when you were struggling with the decision of do I get out, do I extend, do I just re-enlist? Like, the Army pretty much told you like, "Uh, yeah, you need to be deployable to sign a new contract," right? Or something like that. And they pretty much were like, "We can't do nothing with you. You, you hurt, so yeah, buddy."
They just put you in the corner and they-- We were in limbo for at least a good two months, right? Yeah. Yeah. And it was crazy. Like, oh, so just when you were battling with what do I do? Do I stay? Do I go? What happens? The option of staying [00:33:00] was, was taken from us. In a way. I mean, it, it, they would've found a way around it.
Yeah. They would've found a way. They would've found a way around it for retention, but- At the time they were saying because you were hurt, you couldn't even extend our current contract. Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't extend, but I could re-enlist. Mm. And the problem with re-enlisting was what? Would be indefinite.
Which means? Which means you have to stay in until you put in a packet to retire, which is roughly around the 20 year mark. Everyone says, "Oh, you just do 20 years." Not necessarily. At the 20 year mark, you put in your packet to retire, it can get denied 'cause, you know, you could be such a good leader or soldier, whatever, they're like, "You know what?
Just give us two more years." Some people stay in longer than 20 because you get more back on your retirement Or some people just love the military that much. They just, you know, it's all they know. They have their community that they're in love with. They have their [00:34:00] accolades, their, their rank, their positions of power or, or whatever, you know, and they just end up doing 25, 26, whatever.
So our options were to re-enlist a whole new contract and pretty much you sign on this dotted line that this is your last contract, and for the next about 10 more years on top of the 12 we had already done at that point, you are property of Uncle Sam. Right. You no longer get to choose where you go, which we had done up until that point.
We chose every place that we lived. Pretty much at that point, if we signed a new contract, Uncle Sam was sending us wherever the hell they needed us, and we were locked in for another 10. It was that, it was extend our current contract, which we found out we couldn't do, and at that point they didn't even tell us we couldn't extend until about, what, April or May?
They had us in limbo for a while. We were busy with your physical training. I had to go to physical therapy almost every other day. [00:35:00] By May of 2025, we're less than like 60 days out at this point, just finding out like, well, we've already committed to the paratroop door. We have no choice now but to hold hands, close our eyes, and jump.
I wouldn't say we, we didn't have no choice, but it was easier to choose the plan that we had went with anyways. Agreed. Agreed. You know, it w- would've been fighting even harder just to stay in and it was like my plan was to get out anyways. Why am I fighting hard to stay in? It's actually easier just to just transition out, which was just like part of the plan anyway, so it was just like, you know, stick to the plan.
And closing our eyes and jumping is, is not a new territory for us. That's literally what we've been doing these past 13 years. Every scary decision we make, we close our eyes and jump, and ironically enough, that's literally what you were doing in the Army, closing your eyes and [00:36:00] jumping out of planes.
Just one giant leap of faith after another. Can you talk about like once you found out that, hey, you can't extend your contract, you knew you didn't wanna re-enlist to go in DEF, so when it finally sunk in like, okay, this is not a plan anymore, I have to get out, how were you feeling? Well, by that, by that time I feel like I, I was recovering pretty quickly once I got the boot off and everything, and then just being able to really walk again kind of boosted my confidence.
Leek: Mm-hmm. And I just revert it back to the plan and just once I got to get myself active, I think being active helps a lot For physical health, mental health, spiritual health. So just the fact of me being able to move around boosted my morale enough to be like, "You know what? [00:37:00] I can follow the plan." And the plan will work 'cause also at this point, the plan has to work.
We didn't have another choice. You know? You know? So as long as I pour into myself, I can pour into everybody else and continue with the plan. I love that. So I would, I would say I, I probably was down and, and in a depressive state for, like, about three months. Until you were able to walk, and it took about three, four months for you to really, you know, you had a limp, but to be able to walk unassisted without crutches, without the scooter.
'Cause I think what, what most people do, maybe, maybe mostly athletes or whatever, or people that are active, what they do first is try to get a PhD in your, in your injury. Mm-hmm. So you constantly down Reddits and rabbit holes and, and, and studies and doctoral pages that you reading about, reading up about your injury and stuff, and you just, you just reading about [00:38:00] the worst things, the worst possibilities that could happen with this specific injury.
And it's like to a point where I'm like, "Oh my God, like, I'll never be able to walk again." And right before that injury, I just started running better. And when I mean running better, I was running further and faster than I ever had, honestly, had to. You know? Like, I was starting to run 10, 10 miles, 13, almost 13 miles and, like, now I'm injured.
I told myself this year I was gonna do at least a 5K and build up to a half marathon by the end of the year. Giving millennial quarter-life crisis. Crisis, right? Before, before the run clubs got all famous and everybody was jacking the run clubs. I'm like, "I'm gonna do un-- That, that's my goal. I'm gonna do a 5K and I'm gonna just build up to at least a half marathon," right?
So I'm, I'm, I'm running, I'm running. Now I'm injured and I'm like, yo, I probably won't ever run again. Like, before I'm like, yeah, I hate running. I'm not doing it. [00:39:00] Now that I might not be able to do it, it's like, damn, I wanted, I shoulda ran more. I shoulda did this more. You can't live in the land of shoulda, coulda, woulda.
I know. I know. But it just, it just pulls you back into that, just keep pulling you down. It's something that your, your mind just plays tricks on you to pull you down and dive deeper into whatever emotion you're trying to overcome. But once I could stand up and walk a little bit, like you said, I had the li- I had a little limp, little p- little pimp limp.
But once I started walking, I'm like, oh, okay, like I can walk around now. Like I'm, I'm, I'm good. My Achilles feel a little, a little weak, but as long as I keep moving around, it's gonna get strong, get stronger. Then the more physical therapy I did, it just got a little bit better, and really what got better was my mental head space.
Tahj: Yeah. I feel like ever since you gained your mobility back, you're just in a better space, and I love that for you, and I know the Tribe loves to hear that for you, 'cause here we are over a year later, healed, walking, running. We [00:40:00] back, baby.
[The trip that changed everything]
---
Tahj: And I want to now spin the block back on London because since you had to sit it out, it involuntarily became my first international solo trip, something that I had always wanted to do anyway on top of playing Mass specifically in London because London's the only carnival that falls around my birthday.
I wanted to do all of these things, right? But I just wasn't necessarily ready to do them all right then and there at all at the same time. Was you scared? Hell yeah. But I had- You scared? Yeah. Like I've seen Taken. And trust me, I wasn't in no predicament to find nobody. Right. Like, but at that point I had already paid my costume deposit and it was gonna be my 30th birthday.
I promised myself in my 20s that my 30s would be personal, and there's no better way to get more personal than to spend a week in a foreign country alone. So here I was getting [00:41:00] exactly what I asked for. You always gonna do something wild for your birthday. Here I go doing something wild, like checking something off of my bucket list.
My birthday's a holiday, you heard? The month of August belong to me. I don't care what y'all talking about. I felt like at that time though, I was in such a creative rut up until that point because of everything that we had going on. I was so busy trying to just survive that I didn't have time to thrive or to create, which essentially made me lose that connection to my inner self.
And I have the most self-reflections when I'm creating content, especially the pods. So to lose my spark, it was kind of soul crushing. Like at that point I think I went a whole year. I think I started my social media kind of like hiatus right around the time you got hurt, literally. So there was just so much going on that creativity was just the last thing on my mind.
And leading up to that trip, I remember feeling like I was just getting so lost in my real estate [00:42:00] work and my role as a mom and as a wife, and I just needed a break to really figure out where I was heading and why did it feel like I was heading there at full speed. And the thing is, I wasn't necessarily running away from you guys.
I was just trying to meet myself outside of my roles. When I take off the mom hat, the work hat, the, the entrepreneur hat, the wife hat, like when I take off all those hats, like who is left sitting there? Like I lost track of her and I needed to find her again. But let me ask you, what was it like for you to watch me go on that trip?
Leek: 'Cause you've always had a, a front row seat to my healing journey and you know, my journey of self-discovery. I was jealous. That's honest. Get that out the way. That out the way. I was jealous. You, I wanted to go. I, listen, I wanna- He wanted to go to London, y'all, but he wasn't thrilled about Mass and Carnival First of all, he was trying to not even get a costume.
Tahj: Like, brother, that's not how that work. You gonna be on the- I was just trying to pull up like it's Labor Day. Listen, and it's not that. He was trying to fight [00:43:00] someone. No cap. I wa- I was- You was. You was gonna do- I was excited for Con- For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. Yeah, so first I was jealous because I wanted to go to UK.
Leek: Mm-hmm. And second, I was proud of you for being brave enough to go on a solo trip. I know it's something that you really wanna do, and you say you always wanted to play in, in mask. Your costume looked beautiful It excited me seeing you excited, you know? That fills my bucket up. And then I just knew you was just gonna have a great experience and, like, I love that for you.
Tahj: You know, every, every great experience you have doesn't have to be with me exactly by your side, you know? I, I agree. I, I feel that. I ended that trip feeling so full of love, of life, of purpose, and I feel like it truly healed something in me because like you said, it's something I really, really wanted to do for a long time.
And Notting Hill Carnival 2025 is truly a [00:44:00] memory that I will cherish forever. It was just something about carelessly galavanting through the streets, winding your waist to good soca music, just looking beautiful, feeling beautiful and good weather. That was the first London Carnival that the sun was shining in, like, years, not a cloud in the sky.
Like, with bare good vibes. It just fed a part of my soul, and I really needed that. So thank you for just giving me the space to experience that. And although I knew you kind of felt a little bit jealous, you grew up around Caribbean culture, but as somebody that's not Caribbean yourself, you know, it's very easy for an American man to be like, "Hell no, you not going out there by yourself half-ass naked, shaking your ass through the streets."
Nah, 'cause I understand the culture and- And that's on period ... if I was Caribbean and I never played Mas, I would understand the severity of playing Mas. Yeah, like it was something I always just really felt called to do, just outside of [00:45:00] just looking beautiful, partying. The spiritual aspect of Car- of Carnival was always something that drew me and kind of like where we are now, like learning about our ancestry and our history, like it was something that was really important to me.
So I cannot thank you enough for just giving me the room to have that experience, even though it wasn't with you by my side, but it will be the next time. Also, you gave me the, the history of Mas. I didn't know Mas in every island was different but for the same cause. Mm-hmm. I thought certain islands were celebrating and stuff like that.
I didn't know the whole point of the Carnival for every island is celebrating their freedom, and that's, that's dope as hell. What? Why would I be mad at you going at that? Well, first of all, on behalf of the, the West Indian delegation, we thank you for being so well knowledgeable. Y'all see? Respect.
Respect. I'm training him up good, yeah? Anyway, I [00:46:00] remember just feeling so creatively charged after that trip that I actually journaled on the flight home. If y'all know, y'all know me. And it was during that quiet flight home somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean in a row all by myself, just looking out into the clouds that I became completely still inside and out, truly grounded in the moment of where my feet were, journal on the tray table, pen in hand, words just floating off the page.
It wasn't until that moment that I truly remembered what it was to be present with myself, so present that I could finally hear myself again. And she was talking to me when I started listening. It just so happened to come out in what I was writing. And since this is such a safe space, I actually wanna read you and the tribe the journal entry I wrote then.
And just so they know, there's no cap in my rap. [00:47:00] Yeah, sharing a journal entry, that's, ooh. Well, I feel, I feel like this is a safe enough space that we've cultivated a good enough relationship where I can do that. And I ain't reading everything. I'm just, you know, reading one, but I- Just a clip, huh? Right, and I need you to-- Well, I'm reading this whole j- entry, but if you know me, you know when I put pen to paper, it gets real spooky with me Just so they know that I'm not capping, can you tell, tell the tribe what's the date on this journal entry?
8/27. What year? 25. And there are, can you confirm, entries after that? There are in fact entries. So this is, this is when this was written. This is, this is not content. It's not COE over here. But I wrote on August 27th, 2025, and this is also Malik's first time hearing this, y'all. He has no idea what I'm about to read.
[Journal entry: circa 8/27/25]
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Tahj: "Checking in from 30,000 feet above the UK. Sigh. I [00:48:00] guess nothing lasts forever, right? As this flight reaches cruising altitude and the sun shines bright and beautiful through my window, I can't help but be overfilled with immense joy and gratitude. This trip has been a dream of mine for the past five-plus years, and to sit in it still feels so unreal.
But at the same time, why? Like, I know the power of the tongue, but even more importantly, I know the power of my tongue. My entire adulthood has been an example of how I can truly manifest any and everything I want out of this life. I always get what I want. Maybe not when I want it, but always when I need it.
Maybe not how I want it, but always how it should be for me to cherish it at least. Making this trip happen at a time when our life is so uncertain needs to serve as a reminder for me that everything will be okay. Even if I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I know that [00:49:00] it's already written, so why stress?
Now that I think about it, I guess one reason to stress is because although I felt so beautiful, I can't help but think about the beautiful little Black British woman that stopped me on Carnival Monday as I was taking my pictures to compliment me and tell me how beautiful and glowy I looked and how inspired she was by my confidence to wear my costume, belly and all."
Those were her words, not mine. What's crazy is that's the second person this month to assume that I'm pregnant. They have no idea what that triggers in me From my PCOS to my fertility issues, all the way down to my self-consciousness about my weight because of all of it. Oh, that reminds me. I need to schedule a doctor's appointment and get my stomach checked out when I get home.
I think I might have IBS or maybe even fibroids, but damn, pregnant? [00:50:00] Didn't know I looked that big. Honestly, what does life even look like with two kids? Maybe more importantly, I don't even know how we would do it. We have a gap in our health insurance right now because Malik just got out the military two months ago.
Every part of me would freak the fuck out. But why? I already know if that's what's meant to be, it will be regardless. And on a brighter note, Malik actually had an interview before I left. It has good benefits, so I'm claiming it right now. He's gonna get it, and once he does, with our son finally in school now, I will finally have time for myself to get back to the things I love, like my podcast.
So maybe, just maybe, if there's another baby, maybe we might be okay. I don't know. Anyway, I'm running on literally two hours of sleep for the last three days, so I'm gonna take a nap in this road to myself. [00:51:00] See you on the other side of the pond. Signed, Little Miss Get What She Wants.
Whew. And I know the tribe listening is like, "That took a crazy-ass turn," but hold on to your seats. We're just getting started
[Baby #2]
---
Tahj: That day on the plane was the first day that I even entertained the thought of being pregnant. I just had to be alone and present with myself to, to hear it. And sidebar, I do wanna mention that the, when I was pregnant with our son, the first time I ever felt him move or kick was on another solo flight somewhere way above the Atlantic, flying home to Italy after our baby shower.
I don't know what it is about me and planes, but apparently I get real in tune with my body up at 30,000 feet. Anyway, y'all, remember I told y'all back on episode six that I thought my high cortisol levels related to my PCOS had l- led me to think [00:52:00] I was experiencing IBS symptoms? Yeah, that was really the only kind of thing that could have set the alarm off, but me having stomach issues is not anything new.
You've been with me for 13 years, and I've always had stomach issues. If you believe in astrology, I am someone with five Virgo placements. Stomach issues is not groundbreaking over here. And on top of that, I was still having a cycle at the beginning of 2025, but even so, missing a cycle isn't out of the normal for me either because of my PCOS.
At this point, I had been dealing with this dis- this disorder for 10 years. I, I thought I knew what I knew, right? And most importantly, I did not feel pregnant. So the fact that two people, strangers, just assumed I was pregnant was really blowing me, 'cause, like, what are you talking about? I don't feel pregnant.
And, like, surely I would know if I was pregnant. I mean, hello, I've been pregnant before. But it was like after I [00:53:00] wrote that journal entry, I just couldn't shake the thought. Start the day one. I was trying to jump back into our routine. I'm exhausted after a week of feting and coming home and jet lag.
Sauna workouts, y'all. Like, it was insane. I was just so tired. So s- it was one of those vacations that I needed a vacation from. Biking, yoga, Pilates, rowing, walking. Yeah, like I was, I was trying to do all of those things, but I couldn't shake the thought. Like, why would that little British lady tell me belly and all?
Like, woman, I look good in this costume. You talking about some belly and all. Like, all right, I got a little yantas, a little fupa, but damn, miss. Like, and I really, it took a lot for me to not let that ruin my day, 'cause Carnival was actually on my birthday. So for somebody to th- mistake you for being pregnant on your birthday when you feel fucking beautiful If I wasn't on the high of, like, being there, I pro- that probably would've really sent me spiraling.
But I was just like, "Oh, Granny, yes, [00:54:00] that's nice, but all right, keep it pushing." So- Granny, Granny knew something. I couldn't shake the thought after that. So that's when I told you, like, "Maybe we should take a test." This is, like, a week after I got back from London. So walk me through your perspective up until that point.
Leek: I was, I was excited for you. You looked like you had a amazing time. You was just telling me about it, showing me everything, especially all the, all the videos and everything, and I was like, "Oh man, look, it look like you had a, a, a great time." And I wasn't thinking about you being pregnant at all. Were you shocked when I said, "Babe, we should take a pregnancy test"?
Yeah, I was sh- I was shocked and confused 'cause it came from way out of left to me and I was like, "Huh? What are you talk- what are you talking about? We just got out the military. What you mean?" Yeah, like it came out of left field for me too, but it was just the fact that why the hell would two random women in two random places just assume I'm pregnant out of nowhere?
Tahj: Like, what? [00:55:00] And that was it. That was really it. I mean, I was having stomach issues, and I was, like, putting off scheduling the doctor's appointment. But it really sounded and felt like- My regular stomach issues. Yeah, like my regular stomach issues. It was crazy, but we took a pregnancy test. This was the first one we actually got to take together, 'cause the first time I found out I was pregnant with our son, you weren't there.
So this was our time to finally do it together, and I'll let you tell them what were the results of that pregnancy test. Y'all, this woman was pregnant the whole time. The whole time. We were, in fact, pregnant. And in fact, we took like four tests 'cause I didn't believe the first one. I was like... I was like, "What?
No, get the other one. Open up." Y'all, he was like, "Go get some more water. I need some more pee." It was crazy. I remember feeling completely dumbfounded, but then vindicated because, like, I knew I wasn't losing weight. I wasn't [00:56:00] gaining weight rapidly either. I just felt like I hit a plateau, like I'm going to Hotworx, I'm in the sauna, I'm running.
You had me running. I was running my mile at the gym. I was getting my body in shape for Carnival, okay? And I just thought I hit a plateau and just couldn't lose any more, but I wasn't rapidly gaining, big as a house or anything. And then that's when it, the reality hit, like, "Oh, shit, we just got out of the military two months ago."
Unlike with our first, we would have to pay to have this baby now because the healthcare in America is a fucking joke Fuck, that wasn't in the plans.
[Getting diagnosed with a cryptic pregnancy]
---
Tahj: Then, because there's more, the real shock was when we went to the doctor's office the next day- ... and found out not only were we pregnant, we were second trimester [00:57:00] pregnant, as in more than halfway through the pregnancy.
Leek: And, and that's really the gag of the whole story right there. Like, first of all, positive pregnancy test. Okay. Now I'm just thinking of everything that we, that I've, that she's done up until this point. I'm like, "Dog, there's no way." I know. Been running. She's in, she's in sauna classes. We done done did hot yoga.
It's a miracle I didn't pass out. I let her go to the UK and, and walk for nothing. 30,000 steps a day. Y'all, I was in the UK like it was Brooklyn, okay? Uber where? Get, get me on the Tube. Where's my Oyster card? I was walking every- I was so excited to be in a walkable city again. I was putting in work. Man, I'm thinking, "Yeah, road man done breed up my wife now."
Tahj: That is crazy. Like, please, man, them was proper bud. They weren't proper like that. I know I got [00:58:00] a good man, Savannah. Thank you very much. So I'm like, "Look, see? Let her go to, let her go to carnival. Now she t- came back, come back, tell me something. I think I need a pregnancy test." What? I just feel like I could completely understand why you were so dumbfounded.
I mean, hell, I was dumbfounded. Like, y'all heard me. Second trimester pregnant. I mean, I laid on that sonogram table for that lady to look me dead in my face and say, "Yeah, everything looks good. Baby's head down." I said, "Huh? What are you... Huh? Already?" We actually recorded that visit, so as a little treat, because you guys are the first people to find out that we were pregnant.
This is the first time we're having this conversation publicly. There's literally only, like, five people that even know about this and the lore of it all. But if you're part of the tribe and you made it all the way to this part of this episode, to the end of the season, I feel like you, you, you rock with us the [00:59:00] long way.
And as a little treat, I will insert the audio from that doctor's appointment of me being shocked that that lady talking about some damn baby head's down. So here is the audio of us finding that out in real time.
[Sonogram audio: circa 9/3/25]
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Tahj: Wow. Okay. Let me go ahead and turn this on. Usually, uh Couple pictures. Show the doctor positional.
So there's right here Get his head down from the cervix. I'm still looking at the head down here. Yeah. Already head down? Mm-hmm. Yes, it's a Dale Then the doctor proceeds to unsuccessfully even get measurements. So at that very first appointment, we couldn't even tell how far along I actually was. They were just giving me ranges, and they ranged anywhere from 26 weeks to 32 weeks.
[01:00:00] 32 weeks.
[Our reaction to our cryptic pregnancy]
---
Tahj: And I remember the tech being like, she had never seen one of these before, only heard of them. And I was like, "Never heard of what?" And she was like, "Oh, a cryptic pregnancy," AKA, I didn't know I was pregnant because I wasn't having any symptoms, or in my case, my pregnancy symptoms were just mimicking my goddamn PCOS symptoms.
So I had no reason to think that it was anything else. I've been dealing with this disease for 10 years. Struggling with my weight is not a red flag. Stomach issues, not a red flag. Missed cycles, none of these are new to me over these last 10 years. They have just unfortunately become a part of my everyday life.
So nothing alerted me, "Hey, something might be wrong." The first thing, the first thing people are gonna wanna know is, how did you not know I was pregnant? So did you notice any red flags? Because I think this, as hard as it is to believe, y'all, I deadass didn't know, and he says [01:01:00] he deadass didn't know. So let them hear it from you.
Dead, deadass. I did, I did not, I did not know. No. Wasn't no crazy cravings, wasn't no throwing up. I mean, I didn't have any of those in my, with our first pregnancy either. I had a really smooth pregnancy my first time. But I found out the first time I was pregnant at five weeks. The doctors were shocked I found out so early.
So to be finding out at damn near the end was like, what the hell? I promise y'all, there were no glaring red flags the way there were the first time. There absolutely weren't. Child, I knew our life was crazy, but surprise baby was not on my bingo card. But we were very blessed and fortunate enough to give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.
We have a daughter now, y'all. Beautiful [01:02:00] little girl, by the way. Wow, like, that's the first time I'm saying that shit, like, out loud and hearing it through the headphones is like, I'm still getting used to saying that we have a daughter. Hmm. And if y'all thought the story ends there, dah, psych. You must be new here.
Because when I say our life is a movie, my life is a movie, I mean that. 'Cause not only did we have this surprise baby in 59 days, because remember, doctors couldn't tell how far along we were the entire time, so we never actually got an official due date So 59 days from the day we took the first pregnancy test to the day our daughter was born, 59 days.
On top of that, we also successfully brought her earth side right here in our house. Yes, y'all, a natural home birth. And if you know our story, [01:03:00] a successful VBAC'd. Hmm. Yeah. Big mama. Hmm. I fucking did that. I fucking did that. We did that, but, like, I fucking did that right in this house. That's right, you the true creator.
In this house. You bought me this house, I made it a home, and I birthed our daughter in this house naturally, tear and all But please don't trigger me. Big mama did that. And the real cherry on top was that we were supported by the only Black and Afro-Latina midwives in the entire state of South Carolina, all with a 59-day notice.
Mm-hmm. Our ancestors don't play about us, let me tell y'all, 'cause there is nothing but forces outside [01:04:00] ourself that could have made that happen like that. A straight up middle finger to the godfather of gynecology. What does the doctors in Hawaii say our chances of conceiving naturally were, babe? 10%. And that was before we had our first child, right?
I believe you said the exact words of the medical assistant or that, or whoever that called you was, "If you plan on having kids, you-" You need to start now "... need to start-" That was at 21. At 21. And here I sit at 31, a mother of two naturally conceived miracle babies. Mm-hmm. Ugh, y'all, it has been almost a year since then, and the reason that we wanted to share this with y'all now is because by the time that this episode goes up, it'll be the week of her first birthday.
And it has really taken us a whole year for us to even process those 59 [01:05:00] days. And if y'all are interested in hearing about our home birth experience and our story, and y'all know me, I have video footage. I recorded it, of course. Let me know, and we can definitely dive into that next season, because there is a lot to be said about the fact that there are only two Black licensed midwives in the entire state of South Carolina.
If that's a conversation y'all want, we can, we can get into Black maternal health statistics and kind of where we are in that space as a country. But anyway, overall, the whole experience, it really made me think, how much of ourselves can we miss when we're constantly responding to what's going on around us?
I have no choice but to give myself grace for not knowing that I was pregnant. There was so much happening in such a short amount of time Something was bound to slip through the cracks. I didn't expect it to be something this big, but [01:06:00] something slipped through the cracks, and it really opened my eyes to the things that can get missed just when I'm not tapping in with myself.
And to be honest, at first I felt so guilty, like, how the fuck did I not know I was pregnant for so long? Like you said, I was going to Hotworx. Y'all, the sauna in Hotworx is 130 degrees. I was riding a Peloton in 130 degree weather, sweating my asshole, trying to be fine to get in a fucking costume, y'all, mind you.
Doing hot Pilates, 5:00 in the morning, running a mile with baby. The fact that I could run a mile without stopping, I was, like you said, I was getting my PR. We were going to the gym together. I was doing my little home program. I was doing so much. How the hell did I not know that? How could I be worrying about everything else and everybody else but what was going on inside of me?
I have never honestly felt more disconnected from myself than I did that day we took that pregnancy test and them two lines [01:07:00] came up. Like, I felt so far from myself. Listen, I was looking at you like- Fuck you mean you ain't know? Yeah, what you mean? And I'm looking at you like, "You been sitting here with me all this time, you ain't know either.
What the hell?" Like- I thought, I thought a woman was intuitive with their body and- And that's the thing. We've been talking about this all season. If you let the external penetrate your internal, it's no surprise that you can't hear yourself, and I couldn't hear myself. There was so much external noise that just, the voice in my head, she just couldn't, she couldn't get loud enough.
And since then, I have dedicated a lot of time and effort into making sure that I'm checking in with me first and foremost before anyone else or anything else can require anything of me, whether that be you, whether that be the kids, whether that be work, whether that be the house. I hope it shows ever since then how much that opened my eyes to I really have to be in tune [01:08:00] with myself, and I hope you can see how much effort I've been putting into, you know, just having dedicated time to, just for me, to work, to, to work out, to do the things.
I'm actively implementing those things so I never feel that disconnected from myself ever again. I never allow everything that's going on in life to stop me from being present in my life, essentially. And seeing that happen to you immediately made me feel like a dick. Why? Because we knew a woman that had a cryptic pregnancy.
We sure do, y'all. I won't say her name, but if you're listening to this, girl, I am so sorry, 'cause I ain't gonna lie, I did not believe you. And at the time, I had just had my son. I'm like, "Girl, I was just pregnant. What you mean you ain't know you was pregnant?" Listen, I don't be in women's business. I am so sorry.
But I damn sure was like That's cap You didn't know? Okay. If you, if- I was like, I pretty much was like, "If you say [01:09:00] so." I was like that too, like- Do I, do I 100% believe you didn't know? I can't say I 100% believe you, but that's your story. But now- Shit ... oh my man It could happen to anybody, y'all Was I ignorant as hell.
Boy, and I hope- I was so ignorant ... I hope she hear this and hear our apologies. I am sorry for my ignorance. Girl, girl, girl, I get it, and girl, girl. 'Cause even when she said it, everybody in the room was kinda like, "Eh." Nobody believed her. Nah. Yeah. I don't think anybody believed her. Nobody believed her. And now I'm thinking like, yo, that shit, it's just 'cause it's so unbelievable, like- Yeah
and if you don't intentionally get up every day and choose you and your wellbeing and your wellness, I promise you, it could happen to you. I don't want it to happen to nobody. Trust me, it was low-key traumatic for us. Luckily, everything went well, but I- it could go bad real quick, and [01:10:00] I never want anybody to be in the position we were in.
That shit was so stressful, but then I couldn't even stress 'cause, like, now I'm pregnant, so I have to really monitor my cortisol level. It was the most insane 59 days of my life, but it absolutely changed my brain chemistry about how important my wellbeing is from my internal, my physical, my spiritual, my mental, how I have to keep all of that shit in line.
And for the tribe, that is what I mean when I say that wellness is a lifestyle. Waking up every day and choosing you. And ever since this surprise pregnancy, oh baby, I need to wake up and hear what's going on with me first because that shit will never happen again. I mean, our family's done, our family's complete, but I will never be that out of tune with my body.
You know what I mean?
[Raising a son vs raising a daugther]
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Tahj: So let me ask you, babe, do you have a different perspective on manhood now that you're raising a, a daughter versus us just raising our son? [01:11:00] 'Cause they say girl dads, like, it's different. Do you feel like it's different? Yes, it is a little different. But did it change- I, I think, I think for me it really made me harp on like, okay, I really need to be in tune and in touch with how I display my emotions, because you see how she is.
Leek: She's very, she's very gentle and easily emotionally aware. That was real cute. Clean it up. So we call my baby emotional. We call them women emotional. No, she's not emotional, but she's aware of emotions- Absolutely ... very early. And so I can't just irresponsibly let my emotions run, run amok because now there's two people watching.
You know, when j- just when there was one, it's like, okay, maybe I could go over here and just, like, release anger or sadness [01:12:00] or whatever. But now with the, when there's two little ones watching, it's like, all right, you really need to, really need to be on your A game when it comes to Emotional intelligence Yeah, emotional intelligence.
Tahj: Right Making sure that we're emotionally intelligent parents so that we raise emotionally intelligent kids. I think for me, having a daughter changed a lot in me. Anybody that knew me knew that I always said that I wanted sons, and I never said, "I don't want a daughter." I always used to say, my exact words were, "God knew not to give me a daughter."
And I always said that from a place of I personally knew I had mother wounds that I hadn't healed yet. And not to say that I didn't need to heal my mother wounds when I found out I was having a son, but I knew that my w- my mother wounds were too fresh for me to have a daughter. And I think the timing of, you know, our daughter coming into the world [01:13:00] at a time where my relationship with my mother is in probably the best place it's ever been is, is kind of like a nod from the universe to me.
Like, yeah, I knew all this time I wasn't ready to be a girl mom because there are things that I refuse to pass on to my daughter that I knew I needed to heal from, that me and my mother needed to heal from. So I just wasn't mentally and spiritually ready for the responsibility of raising another Black woman when I was still trying to have my own grip on what it meant to be a Black woman, and then my relationship with the Black woman that raised me and, you know, her relationship with the Black woman that raised her.
So it was a heavy, heavy responsibility that I just knew spiritually I was not ready for. So finding out that I was having a daughter... Well, let me not say finding out that we were having a daughter, 'cause we actually did not find out the sex of the baby until she was [01:14:00] born. Because at that point, shit, might as well have let it all be a secret.
So Malik, everybody was so mad at me that I didn't want to spoil... I'm, I'm saying everybody, but it was, like, four people that knew. But I was like, "Well, shit, everything else was a surprise. Might as well." We knew that our family was done at two kids. We did not want more than two. Might as well stay with the theme, right?
And y'all just, when I pushed that baby out And my mom came in the room and was like, "Well, what is it?" And we looked down and realized it was a girl. Oh my God, I boo-hoo ugly cried. Y'all probably never see that footage, but it just, to me, felt like the universe saying, "You're ready for this. You, you are the woman you need to be in order to not pass on these generational curses and to pass on healing and softness and rest, and to raise a Black woman in a completely different light than I was raised."
And that's not a plight to how I was raised. I just, I don't want my daughter to [01:15:00] ever feel like she has to be a strong Black woman. And for the longest, I didn't know how not to be a strong Black woman. So me now being in this space where I'm taking things slower, I'm being more intentional, I'm learning to not be a strong Black woman, I feel like my reward for finally coming to this place is our daughter.
[How do we prioritize self-care as parents]
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Tahj: So that brings me to my last two questions. So one, baby, what do you think we need from each other in this new and next chapter of our life as parents of two? It might change or I might add on to things later on, but- That just means another episode for y'all in the future ... for right now, I think what we need from each other would be moments for both of us to have that time within ourselves to, like you said before, you had all these different hats, and when you took off all those hats, who [01:16:00] is at the core?
Leek: You know, how do you make sure that person at the core is strong enough to put on the different hats, right? And I think what makes you strong enough to put on those different hats is you pouring into yourself. 'Cause just like when you're in an airplane, you have to put on your g- your oxygen mask first before you help somebody else, right?
So pouring into yourself and having that Little bit of time, whatever time it may be, whether in the mornings and nights, whatever time you c- you can get it, have that time to reflect and, and mental clarity and just be in your own thoughts and gain control of them. Whether it's that's, it's you just got 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 20 minutes to, to do that.
You know, just, and I think even just letting me know that you need to do that before it gets to the tipping point. Like, "Babe, hold the kids down. I just [01:17:00] need 15 minutes just to go and meditate. I just need 20 minutes to go and do some yoga. I just need 10 minutes to go and read this blog post or this, this intellectually stimulating Twitter post," 'cause I know you a heavy Twitter, Twitter person.
Tahj: That's my newspaper, y'all. Yeah. So, you know, I think just, just being vocal about it and not feeling like, "Oh, I'm just dumping the kids on him because I'm being selfish." No, you have to be a little bit selfish every day Because if you don't get that little bit of selfishness for yourself, you can't give yourself to other people.
Leek: And I think I learned that the hard d- hard way. I think I've crashed and burned a couple times. I've crashed out a couple times. Right. So before it gets to that point, you don't have to feel like you're not doing enough or you're giving up responsibility. No, you just, you just literally need 15 minutes to decompress or [01:18:00] recalibrate your whole vibe.
Tahj: System. Yeah. Don't feel bad, don't feel bad about that. I think it's 'cause I'm still getting used to having you around. Yeah, 'cause sometimes you'll be like, "I just need to do this," or, "I just want, I just need 10 minutes to send this email." All right, babe. Like, you just have to let me, just, just let me know.
If you need quietness or you just need to be step away from everyone, and we in a house, we in, like, a s- suburban neighborhood. It's not like you could just go around the block and come back. "Yo, I'ma go to the store." You know what? In New York, it's like, "I'ma just go to the store." And that's your time just to get out the apartment, get out the house or whatever, and you just, you getting some sunlight.
You get- you walking, you thinking about whatever is heavy on your mind, and no one's around you. Yeah, you might see a friend or something outside or whatever, but you're taking that time off for yourself. Yeah, I think I just, I feel bad 'cause I'm still just not used [01:19:00] to it. I'm used to kinda just getting in where I fit in around your schedule, and now that you have time to be an equal partner, not that you weren't an equal partner, but before you were just, you were just giving what you could give.
Yeah. The military was taking a lot out of you, and now that things are fully equal, it, even though it's been a year at this point, it's still my-- It's taken a lot for me to tell my nervous system, like, "I can chill." Like, "I have help. My man is home." Like, "Leave them kids with they daddy." Like, I'm not used to daddy being home.
I'm used to having to do it all by myself. So I hear you and I receive that. I think for me, I would say what we need from each other in this next chapter, although I agree we need to prioritize our selfish time Now that there's two of them and two of us and our village is still very, very, very few and far between, I feel like we need more time to remember who we were before we had kids.
And I'm [01:20:00] very blessed the fact that we didn't start having kids until, what, seven years into our marriage. So now that I see it, I completely understand how relationships don't survive the kids. Because had we not had those seven years in the beginning to really get to know who we were at our core and realize, "Oh, no, like I actually like you.
I don't just love you, I like you," it would be easy to forget that. And I feel like in our day-to-day life just there's two of them, there's two of us, everybody hands full. Everybody got a kid. We constantly playing hot potato now and it's like a circus and we juggling and I know I feel bad. Although I feel like I'm kicking ass as a mom, I do feel like this last year I have kind of put my wife hat in the corner and maybe not dusted her off as much as I should.
It, it's just been a lot to just come down off the last year of our life, but I think in this next chapter of our life, we, we need time, more time for each other. I feel like we took that for granted before we had a second kid [01:21:00] and now our us time is like a centimeter of a fraction of our day and I just want to make sure that we're using that time to really connect and remember, "Listen, them kids gonna leave us, okay?
But you and me, we doing life." Like I need more moments where I remember how fun you are and how much fun we have together and how we can just talk for hours about nothing or just sit together for hours and say nothing. So I think in this next chapter of our life, we just need to remind ourselves it's just us.
We doing this together. It's always been us. It's always been just, just the two of us. Now there's fucking four of us. Watson party of four is it's crazy.
[What does wellness look like for us now?]
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Tahj: So my last question that brings me to is what does wellness mean to us now in our 30s compared to what it meant to us in our 20s? 'Cause that is the theme of this season was wellness.
Leek: Wellness to me [01:22:00] just looks like balance. And when I say balance, I mean just trying to intentionally pour equally into all aspects of things that keep me positive and level-headed and away from depression as much as possible. And it's a lot, it's a lot to, to juggle, right? I think I wanna write, do a episode about that next season, about like just trying to manage it all.
Yeah, like that, that, that can also bring about stress. Am I spiritual enough or religious enough? Am I, am I physically pouring into me enough? Am I pouring into my family enough? Am I pouring into my career enough? Am I pouring into my creativity? Am I sleeping good enough? Am I-- And it's, it's, it's a lot.
It's a lot. But as long as you are doing your best to pour positive into every aspect of everything, I think [01:23:00] eventually it kinda averages out and, and keeps that scale balanced. 'Cause you know when one scale is, is just tipping over and you about to just- Crash out ... cra- yeah, you about to crash out and not, not think straight and make rash decisions, and it could get, it could get crazy.
Tahj: It, it absolutely can. I think for me, wellness in my 30s looks like being present enough with myself to actually experience my life rather than to just be living it. I think it means being so connected with your inner self that the loudest voice you hear in your head is your own. I think that it means being willing to do the inner work that maybe those around you maybe aren't.
Because wellness, in my opinion, looks like having the audacity to stand out from the crowd and to just do the things that you know get you one step closer [01:24:00] to being the best version of yourself. Daring to be different, because sometimes the more you try to fit in, the more you stand out. Also, I wanna add that when it comes to pushing through something, you can't just use pu- pure willpower to do it.
Leek: And what I mean is you can't just, you can't just say, "All right, I'm just gonna-- I know I need to go to the gym tomorrow and work out, right, 'cause it's beneficial to me," right? And I'm just gonna pull myself through and just tell myself to wake up tomorrow and go to the gym, right? But you can't just use that, use willpower.
You can't fall back on willpower to do that all the time. So what you really have to do is just make it easier for you to make those choices. So having stuff laid out, having two alarms set, three alarms set Getting a old-fashioned alarm clock and putting it on the other side of the room. Right, 'cause the phone alarm, it, it's, it [01:25:00] doesn't do it all the time.
Tahj: Apple gotta have a class action coming by that. It doesn't do it all the time.
[Herb of the week]
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Tahj: Well, we have made it to our herb of the week, and since this was a relationship episode, I thought we should spice things up a little bit with our herb this week. See what I did there? Spice this things up with my herb. This week's herb is maca root, and the benefits of consuming maca are lower stress, increased libido, AKA sex drive.
See? That's the spice I was talking about. It can improve your mood. It can improve male fertility and the quality of sperm. So yes, gentlemen, if you're listening, it's not always that woman. Sometimes we gotta be honest, sometimes it's a shared effort, and sometimes, brother, it's you. But maca could help improve your sperm quality, and also for my ladies, it can relieve perimenopause symptoms.
So I know we only in our 30s, but some of us millennials are [01:26:00] in our 40s and may be approaching that perimenopause stage, and maca root is said to help with that. In Peru, maca root is consumed usually in a food or a tea, and in the US you'll more than likely find it in, like, a powder or a capsule or, like, a supplement or a tincture, other than the whole root in the produce section of your local grocery store.
To get the most out of your maca, though, don't bake with it or add it to hot foods or drinks or anything like that. Like, you can use it in some raw foods like smoothies, no-bake treats, or on top of, of cooked foods like oatmeal, but it is preferred that you consume it, if possible, in its raw form.
[Closing]
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Tahj: In closing, I know this was a long one.
This was the longest episode of the season, but I feel like it was a good one. This episode was definitely a rollercoaster. See why I said that was funny earlier? This was definitely a rollercoaster that honestly, it still doesn't even grasp the [01:27:00] episode. By the, by the way, the rollercoasters was her idea.
He's saying that 'cause I was on a rollercoaster at the time that I was pregnant, y'all. But remember, we didn't know that. Just getting rag tagged, y'all Anyway, this episode was a rollercoaster, and it honestly still doesn't even grasp the evolution of who we were the last time that we recorded an episode together and the people that we've become now on the other side of career changes, health scares, family expansion unexpectedly.
Over these almost 13 years that we've been married, our circumstances have changed a plethora of times, but what remains the same is our devotion to becoming the best version of ourselves, both individually and collectively, so that we can become just an unstoppable unit. I know I said I only had one more question, but I lied.
I got one more. So baby, what are you most- A bonus question ... a bonus question. What are you most excited about building with me now [01:28:00] that we're on the other side of all of this? I'm excited to build this international collective brand. Hmm. Heavy on the international. That's just, that's just a little breadcrumb, but y'all just, just walk with us there.
I think I'm most excited about also building the brand, but finally getting help because you now have a peek into what I've been trying to build throughout these last five years, because I cannot believe that it's been five years since I started this podcast. But you have seen what I've tried to build this into, but I just didn't have the time or the extra set of hands to do it.
And now that I have you with me, we can do this together, so I am really excited for that. You was, you was also having so much fun. I was, I was. But now I get to have fun in a different way, and we get to build this thing together. Because at the end of the day, we're building a legacy for our children because we got children.[01:29:00]
We got mouths to feed. And this time we get to build that legacy for our kids without the shackles of the military. There is nothing getting in our way now, and at the end of the day, we know the things that we want for ourselves are exactly the things that we are going to tirelessly pursue because we can both agree, I'm sure, that we have a bigger purpose in this life.
We're not better than anyone else. We just finally stopped trying to make our life look like everyone else's because our mission is different. We're built different, and in the words of Kendrick Lamar, "They not like us." They not like us. And on that note, catch you guys next season. Peace.
[Outro]
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Tahj: That's where I'll leave you today.
If something in today's conversation resonated with you in any way, do your girl a favor and make sure that you rate and [01:30:00] review the show on whatever platform you're listening on. It really helps me out because it tells the algorithm that people actually want more content like this, and it helps us grow our tribe.
Oh, and while you're at it, please share this episode with anybody that you think needs to hear the message. And lastly, as if I'm not giving you enough to do, make sure that you're following The Melanated Mindset on socials so you never miss what's coming next. Until next time, stay conscious, stay grounded, and remember, the work isn't becoming someone new.
It's remembering who you've always been. This is The Melanated Mindset, a Ground Guide Collective production