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Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
This podcast is recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii. I acknowledge that the land I live and
work on, known as Kakako, is part of the unceded Aina, or land of the Kanakamaoli,
the indigenous people of Hawaii. Aloha, beautiful humans, and welcome back to
Conversations with Thomas. I'm your host, Thomas Kevin Dolan. My pronouns are he and
him. I'm the seventh born child, the mom and dad's 10, which basically means I
spent most of my early years fighting for a turn to talk or just perfecting my
internal modelog. It was more perfecting the internal modelog. Finding my voice was a
bit of a challenge growing up. I digress. This podcast is a little snapshot of my
unfolding journey, offering thoughtful conversations about things you might have
wondered about, but maybe haven't found anyone actually talking about. And that brings
me real joy. Today's episode is about rituals, not the spooky kind,
but the kind that quietly holds our lives together. Special thanks to my dear friend
Leslie for suggesting the subject of ritual as a podcast. Always, always appreciating
suggestions. We'll talk about why rituals matter, what the science says,
and how you can actually create meaningful rituals in your own relationships. I'll
share the tiny, sacred acts that hold my relationship and sometimes my sanity
together. I'll also share a three -step, playful method to help you create your own
rituals. So let's go.
There's something deeply human about ritual. Across cultures, time periods,
and belief systems, we've used rituals to mark beginnings, endings,
and everything in between.
From weddings to funerals, Sunday dinners to bedtime stories, rituals offer us
structure that offers meaning and, of course, connection. And rituals,
as it turns out, are psychologically powerful. According to behavioral scientist
Francesca Gino at Harvard University, rituals, even seemingly meaningless ones,
can increase our sense of control, reduce anxiety, and actually enhance performance.
Another study I found published in the Journal of Positive Psychology Found that
rituals, especially shared rituals, foster closeness, increase emotional resilience,
and improve our overall well -being. Whether it's letting a candle before dinner,
having Sunday pancakes, or saying "I love you" the same way every night, rituals
offer continuity and connection. In relationships, they create what I call
They become, they really become a secret language that only the people involved
understand. There's something really powerful about that for me, especially as being
the seventh child of 10 kids, having my own secret language with my husband is
absolutely amazing. And of course, the neat thing about all of that, that secret
language that I share with him is that it helps to make me feel safe. I'm going
to assert that it helps to make him feel safe as well. Even that goofy handshake
you and your partner do. That's not just cute. It's actually science. In chapter
three of Little Fag, My Memoir, I share the story of one of my very first rituals,
though I didn't know it as such back then. I was not yet in actually elementary
school. As a little boy, I found refuge in a vast field of tall grass I called
wheat. It towered over me as a little five -year -old and moved like poetry when the
when the wind passed through. Lying beneath it, hidden from the chaos of my home,
I found a piece that was otherwise completely foreign to me. It was where I went
to disappear, but also where I began
escaping from the noise, laying in stillness, watching the clouds roll by became my
first experience of meditation. Long before I had the language for it, I was just a
boy trying to feel safe. But looking back, I see it for what it was now,
an early ritual of self -regulation, connection, and grounding. Returning to that place
as an adult, now just a small concrete lot, I realized the field had shrunk,
but the impact it had on me never did. That field taught me that rituals don't
have to be grand.
They can be quiet, they can be hidden.
It can be a five -year -old child laying in grass, learning how to breathe.
These are our sacred routines, right? They don't have to be flashy, maybe not even
formal, but they can ground us. The ritual always says to me,
"Hey, I see you. I choose you," even on laundry days. My partner and I,
my amazing husband, Adam, we have cultivated rituals that aren't grand or expensive,
but they mean everything to us. Rituals, I'm going to suggest to the heartbeat of
our connection. We have bedtime questions. Yes, every night,
like a heart -centered pop quiz. We ask these to each other. What are you grateful
for?
What excited most? What excited you most about today and who do you want to send a
blessing to an occasion? We'll throw in a question neither one of us have thought
before but the joy of it is Whatever it is that one asks the other the other gets
to ask back. It's actually really quite lovely My husband reads aloud to me every
day. It's tender and neither one of us has fallen asleep mid -sentence We meditate
together. We have ramen nights that feel sacred. Carbs plus coziness equals a divine
union. Here in Honolulu, my husband is known as the noodle boy. So our ramen nights
are pretty sacred. We ground ourselves at our favorite beach. It's called Waimanelo.
It's bare feet, big sky, deep breaths. And because of that beach,
We don't need therapy. We've got sand. These rituals remind us that love lives in
the little things repeated often. So how do you create rituals that matter?
I'm gonna suggest it, it's easier than you think. Little break here. Hey,
if this chat about rituals sparks something in you, maybe it's time to start one of
your own. Like say a monthly ritual of talking to a really great coach. I've been
coaching for 20 years and I'd be honored to walk with you. Come find me at
thomaskevendolan .com by clicking on schedule a session. Let's make something sacred
together. Here's a three -step method I call the RIT way, not to be confused with
the right way, because of course, RIT or IT acronyms make everything feel official.
R in RIT stands for reflect. What moments in your day already feel meaningful?
Is it morning coffee or tea? Is it an evening walk? Is it a shared playlist?
Start by noticing what's already sacred. The "I" in writ stands for intend.
Choose to make one of those moments intentional. Add a little meaning. Instead of
Just eating. Can you let a candle? Instead of scrolling in bed, can you ask each
other one simple question? The T stands for tend.
Repeat it, nurture it. Like a garden, rituals grow stronger with care and repetition.
And yes, it's okay if you forget sometimes. That's life. Just start again.
Look at that. Tying it back to that vipassana retreat you heard me talk about where
I lost my mind for 11 days in silence but found the joy of starting again. But I
digress. Some rituals are sweetly refined and they're also quietly elegant in their
oddity. I know someone who brews a tiny pot of Earl Grey tea every Sunday afternoon
at 3 p .m. No matter where he is, and he toasts. This is really cool. To the
peace I'm still learning to keep. It's like tea time meets therapy.
My husband is on an airplane right now. He's heading back from San Francisco where
he had visited his parents. I've lit a candle and every time he journeys away or
journeys back, I light a candle. It's burning right now and the intention behind
lighting that candle is for him to be here safely, to arrive comfortably,
on time, back here in Honolulu. So it's a ritual that I really love and it
actually makes me feel really comforted.
Here's another one. This one is perhaps my favorite. A friend who sends handwritten
notes to herself at random. So every few months, she gets a surprise piece of
wisdom in the mail from her past self. Once it read, "Don't forget the joy of
clean sheets and dancing badly." This is a wise woman. The point?
Rituals don't have to be sacred. But when they're sincere, they actually become
sacred to you. So here's your takeaway. Rituals are actually the glue.
They give shape to our days, meaning to our moments and safety to our relationships.
If you don't have any yet, start one. Let it be weird, let it be small,
let it be yours. And if you're already living in the richness of ritual, pause
today and give that ritual a little gratitude. Let me close with some profound
wisdom from Audre Lorde. She spoke powerfully about the circuit and transformative
potential of daily acts, which aligns beautifully with the ideal of ritual.
While she may not have used the word ritual often, this quote I think captures it
in spirit.
She says, "Caring for myself is not self -indulgent, it is self -preservation,
and that is an act of political warfare. This line is from her essay, A Burst of
Light, and speaks to the radical power of intentional, repeated acts of care,
especially for those living in marginalized bodies. It frames a ritual, particularly
self -care rituals, as not just personal, but revolutionary. Not just personal,
but revolutionary. As always, thank you for listening. If this episode resonated with
you, please share it with someone who could. Re
If you're navigating tough mental stuff, please reach out to a licensed therapist or
healthcare provider. This podcast is created with a lot of love, lived experience,
and just enough research to keep things curious. And it's also created with the tech
magic of my wonderful husband Adam Hall, my co -executive producer. Until next time,
with me, Take a deep breath, soften your shoulders, and know you're doing better
than you think.