We are wired for struggle

Unpacking four reasons why struggle is necessary: Stress is required for evolution. Challenge is required for growth. Discomfort is required for adaptation. Frustration is required for resilience.

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Jake Ernst

What is Just Trying To Help?

I’m Jake Ernst and I’m a therapist. Life's already hard enough. Managing the stress of modern life shouldn't be.

The first post I wrote on Substack was called We Are Wired For Connection. One year later, I think the overarching theme of that piece still rings true, which is that amidst our struggles, we are wired for connection.

Here’s what I wrote:

We are wired for connection. These are the findings from the field of interpersonal neurobiology, which reminds us that we do not have the wiring to thrive (or survive!) by ourselves. The allure of individual thriving is driven by social values rather than by our innate biology. Relationally, it encourages us to go rogue and forge our own path. That is helpful if you’re trying to win a race, but not in relationships. We need each other. There is no one who wins when we cut ourselves off from every relationship.

More recently, I’ve been thinking about the flip-side. Yes, we are wired for connection. And we are also wired for struggle.

Here are some questions I’ve been thinking about that have helped me reach this conclusion: If we are wired to connect, why do we often struggle to do so? If we are wired to connect, why is the struggle to achieve it so uncomfortable? If we are wired to connect, why do we have a hard time accepting connection when we’re struggling? And finally, if we are wired to connect, why do we often wish for our struggles to be erased?

The answers, in my mind, are both complex and straight-forward. Struggle does not run parallel to our quest for connection, it is an inherent part of it. Struggle is not the byproduct of connection, it is an essential ingredient. That is, if we are inherently wired for connection, then we are inseparably wired for struggle.

It’s only recently that I’ve come to view struggle differently. Facing challenges and going through hard things in life wires us up to face what we need to face and overcome what we need to overcome. The wiring that helps us overcome adversity is the same survival package that wires us for social and emotional connection. At our core, we have the packaging to survive challenging and threatening situations. Humans are wired for struggle.

Here are the ideas I’m sitting with as it relates to the built-in wiring that helps us overcome, work through, and survive what we’re struggling with:

Stress is required for evolution.

Challenge is required for growth.

Discomfort is required for adaptation.

Frustration is required for resilience.

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Idea #1: Stress is required for evolution.

Stress is a catalyst for evolution, prompting organisms to adapt to changing environments over time. In other words, stress is the driver of change. With that being said, if you’re looking to improve your health or change something about yourself or your situation, stress will likely be part of the experience. We often resist this truth, which sometimes causes us to prioritize being calm and stress-free instead of seeing stress as part of change.

Being calm doesn’t make you healthy

Recently, I’ve been contending with the misconception that being calm is synonymous with being healthy. It’s a myth that has persisted because we understand the corrosive effect that stress on our brains and bodies. However, equating calmness with health overlooks a crucial aspect: true health isn’t about the absence of stress; it’s about effectively managing it. Healthy humans aren’t immune to life’s struggles. Rather, they possess the resilience and skills to handle what’s happening while making choices that enhance their wellbeing.

Idea #2: Challenge is required for growth.

Challenges are essential for growth, pushing us beyond our comfort zones and enabling our future development. Avoiding all struggles and being challenge-free isn’t conducive to health either. Struggles can be catalysts for growth and can foster resilience. Rather than striving for constant comfort, healthy humans focus on building their capacity to manage stress and embrace life’s inevitable challenges as opportunities for growth and self-improvement.

Comfort doesn’t make you happy

Being in a state of constant comfort isn’t what makes us happier people. We wrongly assume that being in a state of perpetual bliss will dramatically improve our lives and that being uncomfortable is a threat to our happiness goal. If life was a teeter totter, with one end being comfort and one end being discomfort, I’m saying that living our lives only wishing for comfort would mean being stuck at one end of the teeter totter, never experiencing the exhilarating rise and fall of the other side. It’s the moments of discomfort, the challenges, and the uncertainties that push us to grow, to adapt, and to truly appreciate the moments of ease and contentment. Without discomfort, we would lack the contrast necessary to fully savour the sweetness of comfort.

Idea #3: Discomfort is required for adaptation.

Overcoming obstacles and facing adversity reveal our strength, resilience, and capacity for joy amidst life's chaos. Embracing discomfort as integral to the human experience enriches our lives, where each peak and valley contributes to our existence's vibrant tapestry. Discomfort serves as a stimulus for adaptation, which enables us to adjust and adapt in new or unfamiliar situations. It’s not merely about enduring challenges but about navigating discomfort so we can emerge as stronger versions of ourselves. Often, our fear is that discomfort is a sign of lasting change or permanent damage, yet it’s in confronting discomfort that we discover our true resilience.

Comfort comes at a cost

Comfort often comes at a cost, particularly when we consider the emotional toll of chronic discomfort, looming dangers, and persistent threats. While seeking comfort is natural, the perpetual avoidance of discomfort can also lead to long-term distress. Being in a state of constant comfort creates stagnation, which can also perpetuate cycles of long-term stress. In addition, the constant anticipation of impending threats can create a pervasive sense of anxiety, which robs us of the peace of mind that true safety affords us. All of this is to say that temporary discomfort actually fosters growth, while constant comfort leads to stagnation, complacency, and emotional depth.

Idea #4: Frustration is required for resilience.

As it turns out, frustration, stress, and discomfort are not just an inevitable part of life; they are vital ingredients for building resilience. It’s in those moments of being upset, frustrated, challenged, and stressed that we are truly tested and forged into stronger individuals. Without frustration, there would be no impetus for change, no opportunity for improvement, and no life force to energize our growth. Being frustrated when we experience failure and setbacks helps us build the tenacity and resourcefulness needed to navigate life’s complexities with strength and determination. Frustration serves as the catalyst for resilience, transforming setbacks into stepping stones towards greater strength and wisdom.

Perfectionism is the wrong project

Striving to be perfect, calm, and struggle-free undermines our opportunities for connection, adaptation, and resilience. Perfectionism fosters a fear of failure and a reluctance to take risks, ultimately stifling our growth and resilience. Real resilience comes from embracing our imperfections, acknowledging our vulnerabilities, and embracing our struggles. Since we are wired for connection, that means we are also wired to overcome the struggle that’s associated with disconnection. By letting go of the illusion of perfection and embracing the messy, unpredictable journey of life, we open ourselves up to the richness of human connection, adaptation, and resilience.

I’ll leave you with an image that comes to mind. Picture a lone solid oak tree in a field, its roots delving deep into the earth, intertwining with the soil in a sturdy embrace. Its trunk stands tall and unwavering, a testament to its resilience against the forces of nature. On the surface, vibrant green leaves unfurl, reaching towards the sunlight, symbolizing its innate capacity to flourish and find nourishment despite hardship.

This image of a tree brings forth a sense of curiosity. Like many things in nature, we are built to overcome and survive the destabilizing forces of nature.

To struggle is to be human.

And yes, the struggle is real. And that’s not always a bad thing.

Have a good week,

Jake