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“Know Your Children with Rav Shlomo Katz” is a series about the everyday holy work of raising children with heart, patience, and honesty. Join Rav Shlomo in learning from the sefer Da Et Yeladecha by Rav Itamar Shwartz, author of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, and explore how Torah and Chazal guide us in building a healthy, loving connection between parent and child.
This isn’t about perfect techniques or quick fixes. It’s about creating a foundation of truth, learning to really listen, and finding the right “funnel” so that what we want to give actually reaches our children. Each shiur is meant to be practical, gentle, and encouraging, and something you can take home and live with.
Shavua Tov. Thank you for coming. The month of Shvat is sponsored by the Aaron family לעילוי נשמת לוי בן יוסף, by the Silvers לעילוי נשמת בתיה פייגא בת ישראל, anonymously for the refuah sheleima of שרה בת רחל פייגא, מלכה עלקא בת פערל, שושנה יונה בת אדל, Hila bas Ilana and Yisrael ben Adina, and by Johnny and Moshe Pollack לעילוי נשמת שמעון בן משה, Tzvi ben Mordechai and שירה רחמה בת רב אלתר נתן נטע. The week is sponsored by Boruch and Sophia Bina Kurzner in memory of Sophia Bina's grandfather, Michoel ben Aaron, and by my in-laws Ben and Barbara Selsky in memory of my father-in-law's brother who was just niftar, Yosef ben Shlomo, whose shloshim is this week.
תהא נשמתו צרורה בצרור החיים. Amen. And today is sponsor- wait today, Sunday, February 8th, is sponsored by Tal Gilboa and Yaakov Steiner, welcoming our newest great nephew Neta ben Elinora and Dan. Besimcha meod, yofi, Baruch Hashem.
All right, so we're going to give these out and we're going to continue exactly where we stopped last week because we began speaking about something very lemayseh, very important and very much in practice to bring into tachlis. I just want to start off by just saying that really I want to put a tfeila, a real strong davening that the learning that we're doing here should really help us. It should be a very lemayseh learning that really, really connects us to what we're trying- why we come to this shiur, why we're learning this shiur. Last week we began speaking about wondering whether it's important to be- to have loving thoughts, to have thoughts of love for our children.
Do you remember that? That's what we spoke about last time. Is there any avoda, is there any type of work- is there any importance of during the day, just having thoughts of love for our children? And we discussed that the neshama has- each neshama has- is clothed in three garments. It gets expressed- our souls get expressed through three ways: machshava, dibur and maaseh. Thought, speech and action.
That's how the Alter Rebbe explains the way that the Tanya explains the I guess the perfect picture of a person that's engaged in thinking Torah thoughts, speaking, meaning learning Torah thoughts, and then acting with mitzvos that completes like that produces like a full complete picture. So we were speaking about how when it comes to- when it comes to parenting on the level of dibur, we were speaking about how important it is to verbally express love to our children throughout the day. And that we're okay with, we could always be better. And when it comes to action, okay, so that we more or less have down, we're providing as much as we can that our children have the necessities in order to get through the day, food, clothing and things of that sort.
But when it came to the first thing, and that's machshava, how much do we think thoughts of love for our children? That one doesn't seem to be such a necessity because we can't measure it at all. And that's what we were speaking about last week. A child can hear words of like thoughts of- sorry, a child can hear words on the dibur level of love, and they can experience on an action. But does a child sense when we're thinking thoughts of love about them during the day? That's something the child senses if I'm thinking thoughts of love? So because it's not necessarily so, we don't treat it with such importance like the other two.
But what the author began describing to us last week was how essential it really is. And today we're going to see even more- just a little bit, just to finish this, even more of how essential it is to be investing time during the day of having loving thoughts to our kinderlach. So look at the top of daf chaf tes, on the top of the page that's in front of you. Rav Itamar Schwartz, the author of this sefer, is also the author of the famous Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh.
He wrote this sefer and he says like this: עתה נבאר בקצרה את התועלת הרבה שיש להורים המשקיעים בתחום המחשבה אודות האהבה לילדיהם. Now we're going to briefly just speak about the tremendous, tremendous gifts that come- I guess he's saying that comes to both parents and children when there's a home where parents invest time of thinking loving thoughts.
כל הורה מכיר את התופעה. Every parent knows of the phenomenon שפעמים התעלולים של ילדיו מביאים אותו לידי עצבנות וכעס כלפיהם.
You know what a taalul is? Yeah, mischief, shtiklach, tricks. Every parent knows that sometimes the mischief of a child can bring a person to adsbanut, to adsbanut vekaas. Our kids tick us off. I know.
It happens. It's, you did it to your parents, your children do it to you, and their children beezrat Hashem yitborach are going to be doing it to them. It's never been a dor where they're like, "Oh, this generation it didn't happen." This is something mamash masoret, you know? dor ledor, dor ledor. Why? By doing what? By rebelling? Not necessarily.
By being kids. It's what I always say in shul about, it's beyond me that parents bring little children to shul with an expectation that for the 20 minutes they're in shul, they will suddenly have the internal wisdom to act like 30-year-olds. Why? Why do you think that should happen? They're acting their age. They're perfect.
They're doing exactly what they're supposed to be doing. I guess the shaila's on the parents who have this inyan that they think they walk into shul and they can act like adult 30 or 40. That's another story. But because kids are perfect, because they're doing exactly what kids do, being kids.
And every parent knows this. And every parent also knows that a lot of their mischief and a lot of their shtuyot can bring us to adsbanut vekaas, to getting on our nerves and sometimes even anger. kamuvan שהשאיפה של כל הורה, the aspiration of every parent היא להשכיח את אותו כעס במהירות האפשרית. You know this word lehashkiach means to somehow figure out a way to get rid and forget and to hide away this kaas as soon as it comes up.
As soon as it comes up, of course my dream, I'll just figure out a way to get, like what would happen sometimes in our heads, figure out a way that this shouldn't bother us, like to get that it shouldn't be something that madzben otanu.
אולם פעמים שכל הנסיונות לעשות זאת עולים בתוהו. But it happens quite often that all of our attempts, for all of our own internal mind games where we're trying, we're attempting to lehashkiach, to get it forgotten, that I shouldn't be indulging in the way that my kids' shtuyot press my buttons, all the tricks I have, all the hacks, sometimes they just don't work. And what am I left with? Yeah, my kids driving me crazy.
My kids driving me absolutely mishugeh. It doesn't, I can't get out of this. My kids driving me crazy.
ואף אם הוא מצליח להסיר מלבו את הכעס על התעלול הקודם.
And even if you were able to remove anger from your heart from the last episode of shtuyot that your kid got themselves into, התעלול הבא כבר מחדש את רגשי הכעס כלפיו. You know what's waiting for you around the corner. The next zach, the next thing. It's not like, "Oh my God, look at me, I was able to actually not get angry because my kid did this, I should write the book, I should give the shiur, I should go on tour, I should teach the world what it's like, what it's like to actually not get angry at your kid." You call your agent, you're ready for book signings, everything, and while you're on the phone your kid's nudging you and pressing on your toes and driving you crazy, like, "Stop! I'm in the middle of signing a deal to teach people how to parent.
Don't bother me right now," right? This is what's happening, he says, you could sense this. This is already happening before you know it, there's the next moment of being a little bit of a shovav that's about to bother you. But he says like this, he says because let's be honest, those things, that way of planning your day, it won't work. It doesn't work.
But what could work in those moments? Meaning your kid is going to be your kid, they're going to do the same, more or less the same things for a long time. And then when they get older, they stop doing those things and they do different things now that also drive you, meaning it's a galgal mistovev, it always goes in the... so is the, he's saying over here, is the... The best strategy, is it a strategy? The best way to approach this strategy of becoming mamash like a quiet inner soul that has conquered all the middot of ka'as and of anything else you could imagine? Ideally, yeah, but good luck, that's not going to work either.
So this, he says, is where, this is what could work. So what could work? So look what he says: אכן כאשר הורה מתרגל לחשוב על אהבתו לילדיו. When a parent gets accustomed to thinking thoughts of love about their children throughout the day. Like that's what happens, like most usually when I think about my children in the day, I'm sending vibes of love, I'm filling my mind with thoughts of love throughout the day.
זהו המתכון המוצלח ביותר להשקיט את אותם הכעסים. This is actually the best recipe that could help you deal when legitimate anger may rise, if there's such a concept as legitimate anger, now legitimate anger but legitimately getting ticked off. If generally what I'm thinking about is love about my child, then the moments that they get to me, that's probably the best, the best like, the best way to approach the moment. Like the posuk Shlomo Hamelech says in Mishlei: ועל כל פשעים תכסה אהבה.
What could, when it comes to like tachlis, what could really change and save a very tumultuous moment? Not solutions, not solutions, not breathwork in the moment, because the moment needs, it's to fill the day with breathing in and breathing out love to your children even when they're not in front of you, davka when they're not in front of you. You understand where he's going with this? Meaning to, to say, okay, I'm going to wait till that moment that they get to me and then I'm going to have this tactic to, to get over the moment and not fall into anger. He says that's not going to work. But if generally speaking, if the way that I'm normally thinking is thoughts of love, then in moments when it gets really hard, that which is usually in my mind will conquer.
Now in an extreme way, in a very extreme way, I'm always brought back to Leo, Reb Leo Dee at the levaya for his, I don't remember if it was for his, the, the girls or it was for his wife, because it was two different, there were a few days between them. First it was the daughters and then I think a few days later it was Lucy, right? Two days I think, mashu kaze, right? It wasn't, it wasn't the same day and it wasn't back-to-back. So he was talking, quite, like he was, I don't know how many of you were there or you heard it, but he was speaking levels of emuna that almost seemed like, and I even spoke to him about this, like, are you, are you, have you lost your mind? Like he was speaking levels of emuna that you would think like Rabbi Nachman could speak like this at a levaya, not someone that lives in our time. He was saying these very, very powerful, giving over these very, very powerful concepts of faith.
Bless you. It didn't seem be'emet, it seemed like someone slipped him something before he went out, which could very well be, but someone like maybe like gave him a dose of something in order to deal with things because he was speaking so high in emuna. But then he addressed that also. He said, I know this probably sounds all crazy.
He said, but I learn emuna every day. It's not like now that I started opening a book of emuna while I'm in the hospital. I, I, I, I train myself, meaning I train myself all the time to have thoughts of emuna in me, and he was giving over different classes that he was learning with different teachers and all these principles of faith he was saying with such clarity, such with such clarity was so strange. Not strange, it was so like, wow, where is he coming from? But he was saying because that's what I'm normally filling my consciousness with.
Some people when they they have to activate faith in moments of distress. That's very hard, very, very hard. But if you're, if you're by default in a state of thinking and learning emuna, then chas v'chalilah at times, God forbid it shouldn't happen to any of us, I don't want to go to such a kitzon, such an extreme like his situation, but whatever we have to go through in life, if generally what's going, what's, what's... So on that level, that's how I'm speaking, that's how I'm trying to give over or what he's saying about thoughts of love for our children.
If I have to activate love for my child when they're taking me off, but I don't think about those thoughts of love during the day, but I heard in a shiur that I have to think of sending loving thoughts to my child in a moment of distress, zeh lo yelech. It won't go. But if generally speaking, the way that I spend my day is that I'm sending thoughts of love, thinking thoughts of love about my child throughout the day and that's what's basically hanging out in my consciousness throughout the day, then in moments when I really, really, really need it, it's not so hard to activate and it doesn't feel fake either. I don't feel like I'm being a fraud and I don't feel like I'm running away from dealing with the issue.
So what's the avodah? What like what's the avodah le-maaseh? If we just took this right now, what would it be? What do you think? What would be the avodah for today? Think of good thoughts. What does that mean? I mean exactly that. It's not such a... You see like we think it can't be that easy.
Well, it's not that it's that easy, but it's not that complicated. It means that throughout my day, not just when I davven, but throughout my day whenever I have a moment to stop, I'm just like I just tune into thinking thoughts of love that I have for my children throughout the day. That's it. Yeah.
I love what you said last week about just thinking lo muvan me-elav. Like just like tapping into it, it can also be a little bit fun when they are driving you crazy and you can lo muvan me-elav. Good luck, yeah. Nachon.
It's just that... just bringing that into consciousness. I'm just going to... You want to explain just for those that didn't understand what the concept means? So like thinking of your child, please correct me if I'm not nailing it.
No, it's the way that you understood it, so yeah. So just like during the day just thinking of my sweet Rachel, lo muvan me-elav, like where does she come from? Like this is just the miracle of a person. Right. Right.
lo muvan me-elav. It's not a given that she exists. They're not givens. It's not...
It's not a given. Right, so when I have the lo muvan me-elav as my default and then the... I have the love that is Baruch Hashem filling my... my zone...
my place of thoughts about the lo muvan me-elav, then the moment that Rachel drives you... stam I'm saying like obviously but it's inevitable. Exactly. And you were like that to your mom.
Yeah. Yeah, Mindy. So I'm going to Azamra because in Azamra he's saying, well, you know, that person did something... He's like very people much further away from you.
Yeah. So it would be much easier for me to do Azamra with my kids. Of... Well, it would be much...
You're saying easier? Having tried to practice Azamra on bad people. No, seriously. He says every bad person has something good. Yeah.
So I tried to focus on... There was some terrible thing in the news. I was like, okay, I guess he respected his parents. Okay, and he says that raises them up.
Right. So if... and I think he's saying the same thing here. If we can think those good thoughts, it's also going to improve their behavior, not just my response.
Nachon. I mean it'll improve their behavior, but also maybe not. Oh. And you have to be...
You have to realize that the avodah of Azamra, the success of Azamra isn't did they become better kids versus did I... was I able to not freak out? That's more important. Right. Their outcome of how my Azamra, my thinking of good thoughts about them, the outcome...
the successful outcome is not did they not do this again? Or did they stop doing the bad thing? It's more who did I become? Who did I become when I could have mamash lost it again and I didn't? That's the avodah. Nachon. Okay, yeah. It could also be helpful to...
The bad we notice that, but to... to notice the good and like to verbalize even when it's happening, "Whoa, you did this, you did that," pointing out the good, nachon, and to make that the consciousness, to put that the focus. And if we verbalize, the kids, the child knows that and then ourselves we have those thoughts to think about during the day to find them doing... Everybody can do something right somewhere.
Nachon. 100%. 100%. You have to like mind yourself to...
to notice that as opposed to the opposite. But sometimes parents can't... can't do that because when they they look at their kid... No, but I'm saying like in a calm time, not...
not a... So I'm saying certain kids do not give their parents any calm time. There are kids and when you hear the nervous laugh you understand that's a that means there are children that they are twenty-four seven on. Like just on.
It doesn't I have a one and a half year old that's there right now. She is not she's never it's on. Like the quietest kid in shul. She'll never peep.
You should okay because we we put something in the bottle before she goes to shul. I'm kidding. Yeah, Aliza. I think it's also a great step back and say I'm the best person for this job.
God knows God put me here. Oh yeah. That's a you know what you're speaking about is a very I hope we'll get there in this sefer. If we don't we have to speak about that.
What you're raising right now is Kodesh Kodashim of and consciousness. It's one of the hardest things to really really believe. So that you don't want to quit. Especially if you have that kid who right but sometimes we it's not that we want to quit we just question what you we question the statement that you said.
Question but he's not for us? We question that statement. We say are we was there a mess up here with the heavenly Federal Express thing? You come to a place you want to do a good job you're not doing a good job. Reflection. What's that? Reflection? Or children also question.
Right about us. Right right. Not about them. Right.
They're fine. It's were you the right person. Nachon. Nachon.
One hundred percent. These things can wow they could mess with us. And the basically the I think that the response would be the same thing that he says over here is if the way that you naturally conduct yourself is thinking thoughts of love then even when there are moments when you question whether you were really the best person for the job or your child does you could answer and say I don't know if I'm the best person for the job but I know one thing that I'm a parent that thinks love for you all day long every day or as much as I can and that seems to be the best approach to not losing it in these moments that are very people have these moments all the time even mamash all the time. Yeah.
I don't know how to say this I'm just going to say it. The outcome I know I think we're all outcome driven and in terms of even this shiur are we looking for learning as an outcome as us to be more in tune with being more calm and more feeling have the ability to parent in the way that we want to parent because I don't know if the outcome that our kids feel more love from us or really understanding the bottom bottom bottom line when we come to this particular shiur what is our most outcome that at the end of all the shiurim we are going to get this? To become a perfect parent that doesn't make mistakes. That's what I thought. Okay.
Good I'm in the right shiur. You know I was kidding right? Yeah. Okay beseder. I gotta be careful.
It's to learn about our nefesh our souls as parents while learning about the souls of our children and how we engage in soulful connections while realizing that there will be tons of bumps on the way and to make those bumps smoother. And and to be excited about parenting also and not just feel pressure. Like that's an important thing that I hope comes up from more of the learning that we do. Most of us when we're in this world of parenting the general sense is pressure but there's gotta be also this wonderment that must come out of the privilege especially with mothers more than even fathers of life coming through you into the world.
Like that's gotta be wonderment that shouldn't stop right after birth it should happen continuously. But sometimes when the framing of parenting in the lens of pressure pressure trying not to be disappointed all that that just clouds the bigger picture of I think of why Hashem gave us children. But your question is very good meaning the outcome like what's the point? The outcome is if I could if I could walk out of this shiur and I could really feel Then there's a moment where a kid is a mamish a menace, right? And then I remember somehow because I think more about love about them during the day. So then that moment comes and it doesn't affect me the same way and I don't respond the same way because the love factor is much more conquering than the moment of being irked, right? To me that's worth all the effort in the world.
Like that that I don't know I don't know what's greater than that. I don't know what kind of what kind of holier moment you could have in your life as a parent. It's just that the the confusing mind would say the because we're driven by goals and by outcome all the time I think you got to I think we have to make clear what our goal is what the you know perfect outcome would be for us and then work like that you know the perfect outcome is not do my kids become the perfect mensches in the world that's a nice dream do my kids become the calm appreciative higher moral children in the world those are all nice dreams but I would call them dimyonos those are how would you say that those are fantasies fantasies or can I tap into what Hashem had in mind when he sent these children to me and work from there with compassion and love then I'm that's not a fantasy that's the most real thing in the world. Alright any anything else before we move on actually there's there's one more just small paragraph here he says בעזרת השם נרחיב להלן בנושא ההשקעה של הורים בילדיהם בתחום המחשבה where actually he says later on we're going to dedicate a lot more time to the whole concept of parents really putting a lot of work in the world of machshava.
Ulam beshulot shelefaneinu but in front of us right now נעסוק בנושא עולם הרגשות but here we're going to speak about emotions about feelings.
כיצד הוא צריך לבוא לידי ביטוי ביחס ובקשר בין ההורים לילדיהם. This is a very fascinating topic and this is one of many different opinions okay. The following topic is obviously how much am I how emotional am I am I with my children how emotionally expressive am I with my child what do I share with my child what don't I share with my child what do I push my child to share with me emotionally and what space do I leave them with to for them to be their own thing without the need that they should feel they have to tell me everything.
So that's a very sensitive subject because many parents feel that their child should share every single thing with them and that you should be besties with your kid. Okay so this is a again this is a shita this is a derech this is a mahalakh this is one way of approaching it. Your best friend is not your kid and it's not your spouse it's your best friend that's why they're called best friends. Your spouse is your spouse your child is your child.
If it happens to be that you feel closer Bezrat Hashem to your spouse than any other people that's good. If it happens to be that you feel closer to your children than any other children that's very good. But that doesn't mean that that's the role of besties. Do I'm making any sense? I know it's very poli- not politically correct to speak like this.
That's because people say but what are you talking about my spouse is my best friend. No. Your spouse Bezrat Hashem is your mate. It's your and I'm saying this in the holiest way it's your lover.
Your best friend is not. That's a different sugya that's a different thing. Now if it happens to be you're doing shlichus in Kathmandu and there's no other Jews around and you're like I have to find a best friend you're not going to I don't know if you'll find a local that you feel. But in our circle, you know, in our lives, the place of regashot, the place of feelings and emotions, where they're poured out to, how they're poured out to, both from our child and from us to our child is a big topic, it's a very important one that he's going to take a very serious jab at, but we're just going to start it today.
We're going to start it for a few minutes because it's very deep and it's very long. So let's see how he speaks about this.
כבר ביארנו לעיל בארוכה, we've already explained extensively, שיש יחס של אהבה בין הורים לילדיהם, there is love that exists between parents and children, שמקורו בעצם כך שהם ילדיהם, it's just because they're our children, וזוהי אהבה טבעית שקיימת בכל הורה. Remember we spoke about this, shlav aleph, the absolute natural love, naturally I naturally feel love for my child because they're my child.
There's nothing else going on here besides a beautiful natural emanation of a feeling. U’leumas zos, but then we also spoke about יש יחס של אהבה בבחינת ואהבת לרעך כמוך, which we said children also fall under that category of fulfill the mitzvah V’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha, your children are also under that category meaning that they fall under reiacha.
שאותו ההורים צריכים לטפח תדיר, that parents have to always letapeach. Nurture? Cultivate? Yeah, letapeach means like self-care, we would say like tipuach atzmi, like they always have to be working on it.
Ta’un tipuach, ken. It always needs to be worked on.
וכמו כן יש צורך לטפח את האהבה הטבעית לאהבה עמוקה יותר. Also the natural love to go deeper with it, go deeper with the natural love.
אכן אהבה מסוג השני, the second type of love we spoke about, אינה קלה ליישום בין הורים לילדים. It's very hard, he says, l’yasem, to activate the love between parents and children that has to do with V’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha. That's not so simple.
על מנת לבאר זאת, in order to explain what we just said, he's going to return now to an example of love between two people.
נשוב לדוגמה של אהבה בין בני זוג, love between a couple.
שם הדבר מתנהל בקלות יחסית וזאת מכיוון שבני הזוג מתייחסים לפחות ברוב המקרים האחד לשני באופן שווה. This second type of love of V’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha that exists between a couple generally and not always, there is a Masechet called Gittin for a reason, but generally speaking, the way that love is able to be expressed between a couple is that they see each other more or less equally. Not that they're exactly the same people, but they're in the same parsha.
A spouse, a husband and wife, where they're at in life is the same parsha. They see each other, oh, this is where we're at. We see each other equally. You could see where he's going with this, right?
ולכן הדיבור ביניהם מתנהל בצורה ישירה עד כמה שהוא אכן נעשה בצורה נכונה, and hopefully and this should be a big tikun one for people that are not holding in this, but when you speak to each other that you don't really feel is holding in the same place as you, you feel like they're lower than you, you could hear it in the speech.
You talk down to people. Even if you like them, but they're in your eyes not shavim, they're not equal to you, the way you speak to them you can hear it. But the reason he says why it works with couples, this second type of love, is because we see each other that we're more or less in the same parsha in life and we're in the same stage in life. We're shavim, we're ke’ilu in the same place.
U’v’ikvos kach, because of this, יותר קל לבנות את הקשר והאהבה ההדדית ביניהם. That's why it's easier to build the connection and the mutual love that exists between them when you feel like someone's in the same place as you. Le’umas zos, obviously look where he's going. Ka’asher horim m’unyanim.
Why is this so much harder to do this with children? Because they're not. Because it's simply not the same thing, meaning it's not I don't look at them when I say they're not in the same level, the thing is what happens to me naturally is that I look down at them because they are lesser of something, they're on a lower level than we are, or they're at a different stage in life. But that is so dangerous, because that that that can bring out of you this this this like, you know, shev b'sheket, quiet, you don't know what life's about. Right? Oh, you think you know everything? Ever hear those statements parents say to kids? Oh, let's wait you know do you know what the world is like? You think you know everything? You've seen it all? So he says over here, this is what happens why it's so difficult to build that like mutual love relationship with children, because we don't see them like eye to eye, we don't see them as if they're equals.
But that's not, it's also not our fault, you know why? Because in the house what needs to establish is that there is authority. So if there needs to be if authority needs to be established in the house, is there a chance for this type of love to be nurtured? Is there a chance for this type of love to be expressed and be taken to the next level? Let's see what he says. Le'umat zot, כאשר הורים מעוניינים לבנות קשר דומה עם ילדיהם, מכיוון שלצורך המשמעת בבית חייב להיות יחס של עליונות מצד ההורים since there needs to be discipline in the house, so there also needs to be elyonut. It's an interesting choice of word here.
Elyonut means a higher authority, okay?
וכבר הארכנו למעלה לבאר שאף זה צריך להיות במינון ובאופנים הנכונים we already explained that that authority that must be also has to be filled with gentleness, it has to be filled with with sensitivity. Lachen bechelek me'hamikrim therefore sometimes הקשר הופך להיות כיחס של בעל הבית ופועל. It's funny he says this but it's true. He says therefore sometimes what ends up happening in the house is that the relationship becomes you're the owner, you're the boss and there's a poel, there's a there's a worker in the house.
ובחלק של הפתיחות הרגשית and when it comes to some area of the emotional development, יש תחושה בבית של עליונות מצד ההורים. There is this higher higher I don't know what even how to say this over here but superiority? No. Like a hierarchy? Well here he's saying יש תחושה בבית של עליונות מצד ההורים when it comes to spiritual or emotional development also, meaning when it comes to authority in the house of what goes, what doesn't go, like so many times so often parents ask me about listen, one of my kids doesn't want to doesn't keep shabbos anymore. We have other kids in the house that do keep shabbos.
So what should we do when the kid's home for shabbos? When the kid that doesn't keep shabbos is home for shabbos? What are we supposed to do? Because we we don't want to you know we don't want to make them feel any worse than they already do by being different, but on the other hand we have other children in the house and these are these are shailos that come up all the time unfortunately. So there needs to be an authority in terms of like well what goes in the house? What what is the way that you've chosen to build your home and what you believe in, right? That's one level of authority that we're speaking about but here he's saying well when it comes to spiritual to emotional development of the child that gets very dangerous if there's this level of authority. Because then what what may be what may be conveyed to your child on an emotional level an emotional level is the way that you're emotionally feeling things, shev b'sheket, don't feel the way you're feeling. There's ways you feel, look at our house, there's ways that you're supposed to feel.
See, when it comes to things I'm supposed to be keeping and doing, that's one level where there needs to be an authority in the home. Otherwise there's no home. It's not a home. It's it's it's camp.
I don't know what it is. Stam it's free-for-all, it's nothing like that. I just want to say because I'm in this parsha so much, shul is exactly the same thing. Exactly the same thing.
You won't, you're not left with a shul if you if the shul is just meant to be a place where whatever it is you're whatever it is you want to do, just just do it. the place where we you're not left with the shul. It's a it's a beautiful thing, but it's not a beit tefillah l'Elokim with kivun, the kavana means direction, right? So over here what he's beginning to say is that when it comes to the spiritual development of our child, forget about our child's expressing their emotions. When do we stop expressing our emotions of natural love to our children? What age does that happen? Never.
Really? Never. The Mashiach should be here. If that was true, Mashiach should be here. We don't realize it.
These things get hushed. I'm not talking about koochi-koochi like when they're like how long do you still keep on doing that to your kid? If they're 12 and that's how you're saying goodbye to them when they go to school like even me like today my nine-year-old makes me turn off whatever song I'm playing in the car before we get to the school and the door opens so that no one should hear what song it is that we're listening to in the car. Even if it's her favorite, it's like and it's great, I love it. It's cool.
I choose your battles. These are not something that you should be working on with your kid. It's fine. So look what he says here.
Nasbir et hadevarim, let's explain the things, we're just going to do a little bit of this.
כל הורה יבדוק את עצמו. Every parent has to ask themselves.
עד איזה גיל הוא משתדל לומר לילדיו אני אוהב אותך.
That's what we're talking about. When do you see - you know I remember one of the I remember when I was first dating Bina so I heard her one of the moments I knew like this is going to be okay, it's going to be not just okay, this is like what I want is that I heard her get off the phone with her mother, she was an adult, a young adult and she said I love you too and I was like I didn't know I couldn't believe that that was like as important to me as I I didn't realize how important that was to me that when you say goodbye to your mother at that age that you still say I love you or I love you too. And it was like a shock to my system like wow why is that so why am I feeling so good right now? Because these are I don't know certain things become whatever for each person it's something else. But that was a very strong thing.
At what point do we continue to point out and say you know I love you and even if it doesn't sound the same but the general thing of saying to our children I love you? Kumeduma shehatshuvah tihyeh would seem. Now remember the circles that he's writing this book in, okay? It's not so much our circles. You know where he lives he's in Kiryat Sefer. He's in it's a little bit more intense there, right?
שככל שהילד מתבגר ככה האמירות מהסוג הזה הולכות ופוחתות.
The older the kid gets the less that these statements are said. That's what he's saying. And the truth is in some cases when the kid gets a little bit older and you keep on saying I love you I love you and the kid at a certain teenage it gets them a little bit uncomfortable too so maybe you maybe we say it less. I don't know.
Or you just stop for a few years. And do you ever go back to it though? You do, when? You stop between 14 and 17 and then you go back to it? I never did but that's when it begins. Oh you're saying it happens? It can happen. It can happen.
You stop 15 come back 18 and then you start dating and then it's I love you I love you I love you. Yeah. Well some I have one kid that I mean he's going to be 39 I tell him I love him but he doesn't always return it but he knows but as much as I tell him sometimes he'll say oh yeah I love you but that will be like I'm not expecting it but it's like nice when it happens. Right we're going to speak about the danger of of when you say I love you only to hear back I love you too is a very - no no no I'm not saying this is what you're saying God forbid.
That's a whole - that's a whole story by the way. That speaks volumes when you say I love you and really it's only to hear back I love you too is a very dangerous place. We'll hopefully get there as well. Bekach bishlav mesuyam, at the middle of the second paragraph, bekach bishlav mesuyam, at a certain stage when I love you stops being said the way it was when they were a kid, הקשר הרגשי בין ההורים לילדים הולך ונעלם.
So the emotional connection between parents and children begins to fade away בדיוק ההפך מהצורה הנכונה בה צריך להתנהל הבית which is exactly the opposite of the way that a home should be functioning.
כולנו מאמינים שכל אדם מורכב מגוף ונפש. We all believe that every person is composed of body and soul. We're all dancing this dance of body and soul every all of us we all believe that.
Yeterah mikech even more than that פשוט וברור לכל בר דעת. It's also clear to us שהחלק העיקרי אצל האדם הוא הנפש. That what's the most important part of, what's a more important part of a person, their body or their soul? Soul, because that's what lives forever. But I'm just going to ask you, when it comes to feeling like good parents, if I asked you, did you prepare food for your children in the morning, and you say of course, and then I ask you, did you connect your child with their inner soul and let them know that your soul sees their soul before they went to school? You look at me like I'm insane, right? Don't worry, I don't—that's not the expectation, I don't do that, it's not—that's not what we're holding, but in the subconsciousness of parenting, that must, must be there.
That my role in this world is not just to provide for my child what they need to get it through the day physically, but it's to hopefully attach them to their own neshamas, to their own souls, that I see their soul, that I'm invested in their soul. That's a big thing, it's not just left for Rebbes. You know, parents that say, I leave all that spiritual stuff for school, that's a—that's a scary thing. Until even when we'll have a dream school one day, that's not what Hashem had in mind by giving us these neshamas.
You take care of sandwiches and they take care of neshamas. Chas—it doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that. So we all know the chelek ha-ikari is the soul.
Vehineh, hachaim babayit, life at home, מתנהלים בדיוק בצורה הפוכה is absolutely opposite.
בתחום העשייה והשקעה בגוף, when it comes to doing and to investing in bodily needs, טורחים הרבה מאוד עבור הילדים. You'll do anything for your kid. Your kid needs shampoo, you'll get it.
Your kid needs milk, you'll get it. Your kid needs socks, you'll do whatever you can to make sure your kid will—will have socks. Meaning all these things you'll do.
מקפידים תמיד שהחולצה תהיה נקייה, making sure they have clean clothes.
Hana'alayim mushlamot, I guess not everyone has—I guess you're saying holes in shoes.
דברים חשובים בפני עצמם, Ulam banefesh shelahem, but when regarding our kids' souls, שהוא החלק החשוב ביותר, which is the most important element, אפילו הורים שמשקיעים בכך, even parents that do invest in this, בדרך כלל אינם נותנים לזה את המשקל האמיתי והראוי. They basically do not really give the proper and most suitable attention to this. It's amazing.
We could give our kids everything they need physically and when it comes to the soul, to their regashot, even to their regashot, to their feelings, if we didn't do that good of a job, we try to not beat ourselves up. But what happens if I only gave my kid a little bit of food or food that gave them a stomachache? What would I think about myself? Huh? Feel—I'd feel horrible, I'd feel guilty. But it doesn't work. It's such a weird thing.
I don't have a way to monitor this when it comes to what I'm doing to their neshama, letov o lera. That's what's so tricky. It's such a tricky thing. There's so much to say about this.
I'm going to say one more thing about this. There's—because he's going to—this really needs its own—we're going to continue on this next week, but I just want to say one more thing about this. I think this really is your question, if I'm going to be honest. To teach parents about the importance about making sure they take care of their children's bodily needs, you don't need a shiur, you don't need a book, you need to be alive and not braindead to know that those things are essential and vital.
But because our world is such a tricky world, the modern world we live in, the influences on our children, it's such a—it's such a tricky thing over here. Because we live, we've consciously chosen to live in a modern society with all the spirituality that's here, it's a modern world, right? We live in a modern world, modern and what I mean is modern meaning like—like take—like very much in this what the world calls the world with influences and—and obviously outer influences that aren't coming from Torah-based values, right? And most of us were brought up like that as well. It's not that we're rebelling by doing this. It's just the way we were raised also.
It's not—it's not a rebellion, chas veshalom, it's the way a—it's the way we were, you know. And at a certain point. I know I got the guf down. I got the body needs down, meaning I'm not worried about that.
Hashem should bless us with parnassah, there should always be enough food and clothing and everything my child's physically needs, אמן כן יהי רצון for all of us. And he says dvarim chashuvim beyoter, these are very important things. There are parents that neglect this as well, Hashem yerachem. So on that level our tzibbur actually excels.
It's an amazing thing. His tzibbur less excels in this actually. Right? Our tzibbur, what makes us this, you know, our not this community, I'm talking about you understand what I mean by our tzibbur? Like generally speaking, nothing to do with living in this street or that street. The worlds we chose to live in, those things we have down.
I think we have more than down. We give our kids way more than they actually need at times. That's another thing, though, way more. But at a certain shlav in my parenting, I want to really be bold enough to ask myself where am I what areas in my parenting have I been okay with consciously I'm going to say a hard word, please don't get mad at me consciously poisoning my child's Yiddishe neshama? That's a heavy thing.
That's a very heavy thing. And because you have to realize there's a price. There's a price to living in this modern world. As great as the great things that it has to offer, I can't bank on the fact that they'll be able to lift up like the Baal Shem Tov would speak about that they'll be able to lift up the sparks from everything that comes up on YouTube and know how to do tikkunim with raising sparks.
That's a very tall order and an order that's not really fair to put on our children, right? At a certain point in my parenting this is the question I have to ask myself: Body? I got that down. Neshama, soul, emotions, the feelings, those things, that's the area that I want to, you know, say like okay, am I ready to look that in the eye? Now I've obviously thought about these - I think about these things like all of us all the time. And the era that we live in where most of our children, because of the environment that we live in, have phones, it makes the real work nearly - nearly impossible. We have to talk about this and we have to look at it straight and not be scared and not get nervous that we're going to feel so guilty.
We didn't rebel, we didn't do anything wrong. Well, maybe one or two of you, for you it's a rebellion to live in this community. I don't know. For me it's not, you know.
For most of us it's not a rebellion. It's more or less like a natural progression of where we came from and in a nice way, with taking all the good. You know, in a nice way. For some of you Baalei Teshuvah, it's a rebellion to a different side.
Keilu you rebelled against the morals that you grew up with and chose to be here. But for most of us we're now at this shlav in life, we're kind of like in it. We have we're filled with love of Torah and simcha and Shabbos and all the good things and we're also filled with loads of influences that have nothing to do with the shoresh neshama of our children at all whatsoever. And that's when it - that's when it starts to get really tricky.
But it's okay to point these things out. He doesn't I took his words to a complete - not a complete different place, but it's what I'm seeing that's coming up for this where we would never, chas v'shalom, allow anyone to physically hurt our child's arm. If I saw someone that's about to hurt my child's arm, I'd kill them. All of us would.
You'd kill them. But why is it that I'm okay with being in the question regarding my child's soul? How could that be? Where does it come from? So this is - this is some heavy stuff. It's heavy stuff. Yeah, but you all look like it's funny, like you all look like you're sitting shiva right now as I'm talking.
I don't want it to I know, but the thing is you have to understand when we speak about these things, if you start feeling like you're sitting shiva, that means that the Satan is conducting the way that you're approaching the topic. No, have the Baal Shem Tov let you approach the topic. Have Rebbe Nachman come and take you on a stroll through these thoughts. Don't worry, Hashem knew what He was doing when He sent us to this dor with these children.
He knew what He was doing having us live in these... Akul beseder. But let's ask those questions with with with pride. With holy pride.
Right? Is there solutions? She's back to solutions. She's back to solutions because I'm obsessed. Yeah, Eva. I think I think we all love solutions and and that's important and I think there are some things that that we can take away that are very practical from this but I think really like a huge part of this whole shiur and this whole thing is to that you're working on yourself as in this role as a parent and and that's so much of parenting is looking at yourself in different situations and not not necessarily about like what should my child have done or the the the, but like you know having control over yourself and your response and how you react to that and if you're working on yourself and your child sees that you're working on yourself then that's like the best model that you could be for them and you know if they even if like you tell them that they that you're going to this shiur like oh I'm going to the shiur and I'm learning about like this you know about parenting and like that they know that you're working on yourself.
Yeah. That that's a really that in itself is like super valuable for you and then super valuable as the model for them. Chazak. That's very good.
I think it also goes both ways like meaning that whole of the house like I'm the boss you're the kid you need to learn you have to stay in the line you need to respect. But when you're showing them that you're constantly working like actually shockingly one of my kids was like 'oh you're doing shiur for the women' and I was like 'how long have you...' Who knows what they discover. And showing them that you're also you have what to learn and not perfect but maybe perfection is impossible and I admit that and I'm going to be better and put your socks away and you need daven or whatever but either way like... Nachon.
And that shows that I'm not like I'm the king I'm the best and I'm everything no like... But I'm still I'm running for the king I'm trying to find the king like... Right but but in the meantime I'm also still Hashem chose me to be the mother of the house and I have to conduct order. Right like see I'm going to shiur so you also can try so I'm trying and you're trying and we're all trying.
We're all trying yeah but to have the main thing the balance of both authority while you're showing you're equal in the area of trying is a big chapp it's not so simple. But that might also be their way of like oh they're like they're not being like I know everything and I'm the boss they're also like trying to be better so maybe they do know something. Right. Maybe they do know something.
Amen. Maybe we do know something.