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Unashamed Unafraid is a show dedicated to being unashamed about sexual addiction recovery and unafraid of coming unto Christ for healing. Pornography and sexual addiction are not something you are stuck with to manage your whole life. We share real stories of recovery, the best resources, information from experts, and answer anonymous questions with those who know. All to help you on the path of being 100% healed from pornography and sexual addiction.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Welcome to another episode
of Unashamed Unafraid.
We are unashamed of sexual
addiction, recovery and unafraid
of coming onto Christ for healing.
Chris, how are you man?
I'm doing fantastic man.
I'm here recording again, which is
like one of my favorite things to do.
If you had to guess how many
recordings you've co-hosted on since
we started this thing, 'cause you've
been here a lot longer than I have.
How many would you guess
A lot of them, probably
over a hundred of them.
Wow.
And so they're in there somewhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
. Well, before we get started today,
uh, I wanted to check in on recovery.
Tell you what it feels like.
The devil he just sends his legions
after me before every recording.
I can go three, four weeks clean.
Sober and then just have a meltdown week.
And that's kind of what the last
week looked like, which was, it was
really, really difficult for my wife.
It, it hurt her in a way
that it hasn't before.
When I relapsed this time and
my heart's just super heavy.
My heart's super heavy.
I don't like doing that to her.
Yeah, I feel sad.
For a time I felt a little bit hopeless,
at least for, the last couple days I
felt like when I woke up this morning
I was feeling a little bit different.
But sometimes you just have that darkness
and recovery and the heaviness lasts for a
couple days and then you have to remember.
I'm still healing.
Right.
And I'm gonna get there and, and if
it's a pattern, maybe as we talk to
Ryan, he can address that pattern
and help you get out of that pattern.
Yeah.
Yeah.
'Cause it does feel like it's
very specific so speaking
of Ryan, welcome Ryan.
This is, uh, this is actually a
rerecording, much to our chagrin.
We've recorded with Ryan from King's
Core before, did you say chagrin?
Chagrin what?
The frick is chagrin.
I've never heard of that in my life.
It means like our dis dismay got,
I'm an old soul Chris.
Heck yeah.
Go for it man.
Let's do our chagrin.
We have to again.
we just we're happy to have you back on.
Um, we lost the first
recording due to some.
Technical audio issues and,
we're glad to have you back.
So, welcome, Ryan from Kings Core.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Good to be here.
Thanks for having me back.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
So tell us a little bit
about you and what you do.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Yeah, so my story
that in middle school I
was exposed to pornography.
Some kids at school had printed off some
pictures and they shoved them in my face
and I ripped them out of their hands and
threw it in the trash and stomped off.
It was just knee jerk reaction.
Just get that outta my face.
But then.
Curiosity got to me and I came
back a couple days later and
fished out of the garbage can.
And that, that started a whole second life
of exploring, going down the rabbit hole.
And I cycled in and out of
addiction for, uh, over 15 years.
I white knuckled, it got some distance.
I.
I thought it would go away when I
got married then sex and intimacy
could actually physically happen.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
It takes over,
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: yeah,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
then
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
addiction
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
you don't need it.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
The addiction doesn't go away.
It just, now you have someone who's
really, really close to you all the
time that you have to hide even more
from, and it was just big rabbit hole.
So.
It all blew up when I
got so sick of myself.
I wrote a letter to myself how much I
hated myself for having this struggle.
That was when our first child was
born and my wife found that letter
thinking that it was a letter I wrote
to myself about hopes and dreams and
visions, and so she read it and was
devastated and it's been a long road of.
Trying different things, therapists,
different groups, lots of books,
lots of trial and error, lots
of mindset work, emotional work.
And now I, I've come full circle
where I've been clean for over a year
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
What was, what was your
favorite thing that you used?
You said you read lots of books,
did a lot of recovery stuff,
like a lot of groups or whatever.
What was the favorite thing
for you that kind of stood out
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
It wasn't a favorite thing because
all of it came together a whole.
It's kind of like seeing the matrix for
the first time when Neil's like, oh, like
there's this code in the background that's
kind of pulling the strings on everything.
I could start to see what the universal
truths were that were threaded
through, what the therapist was trying
to do, what the groups were trying
to do, all these different things.
There was a tipping point that was
huge when I found my first group
that really resonated with me and
got me to open up for the first time.
I think if that didn't happen, wouldn't
have started The journey of iterating
and recovery that led to where I am now.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
Love that.
So tell us, , give us a little more
background on what it was like, the
journey to find a group like that.
Because, and I know this because
we've recorded in the past and you
told us a little bit about that, but.
There's some pain and some frustration
going from group to group to group,
trying to find one that actually
felt safe, trying to find one that
actually made you want to connect.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Before I answer that, I wanna talk about
Because there's a big difference between I
should do something I'm doing this for me.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
totally.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: So
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550: I.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
what a should is, is me trying to
conform myself to somebody else's.
Rules or standards or
expectations of me, right?
I should be more healthy because
everybody wants to be healthy, and
that's what everybody talks about.
I should do recovery work, I
should this, I should that.
I'm in that mindset of just trying
to myself into doing things, I'm
doing it for other people and
not myself, and it doesn't work.
So when I first started my
recovery journey, it was.
Yeah, I, I should stop viewing
pornography because the church me not
to, because my wife doesn't, you know,
she's emotionally devastated by it.
I should this, I should this.
the first start of my journey was her
or church leaders, you know, encouraging
me or pushing me into groups or.
Or towards this person, or
this person, towards different
resources, and I was doing it for
them to check off their boxes.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
wasn't in it.
That's a frustrating place to
be because I wanted to over the
problem, but I didn't have eyes to
see what the problem actually was.
'cause addiction is not a porn problem per
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
So those are, those are out there
that are shooting on themselves.
Stop shooting on yourself.
Right?
We can go on forever.
We can do all sorts of things.
Get the shit outta there, man.
I love that frame though.
I mean, I love that.
Yeah.
More than just finding the right group.
There's a lens you have to
look through in recovery.
It's different than going
to it for your wife.
It's different than doing
it for your friends.
It's different than doing it because
you, you're worried God's gonna be
disappointed in you or you're afraid
of talking to the bishop one more time.
It's 'cause you want to, it's because
there's something in it for you.
And that, kind of switches your purpose,
your momentum, your motivation when
you go to get help in communities.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: And
even if you want to do it for yourself,
even if you're just tired of how much
destruction has come in your wake, you
still might not fully understand what
recovery means, what it looks like, and
what that journey takes you towards.
Like for me, for instance.
The first time I went to a support
group, I thought, well, it's 12 steps,
so that's 12 meetings, and then I'm done.
I'm cured.
I can just go to 12 meetings
and not talk to anyone.
Learn whatever they're talking
about and then I'll just know.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Dude, you are still not alone in that.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: I know.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
I, I was like that.
My wife was like that.
Every, like, so many guys I know
are like, Hey, yeah, we'll go
hit 12 steps and good to go.
Yeah.
I think when I meet met Chris, I was on
week seven of my 12 weeks, 10 years ago.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: So
that first group that I went to, small
group, maybe five guys, and me and
those other five guys were alcoholics.
So the stories that they were telling.
The triggers that they would have,
they were different from mine
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: and
in my mind, I couldn't open up about my
thing because what if they're all good?
Hunky dory with like Okay,
we can be friends 'cause we
have the same thing, but porn.
What the heck?
What's wrong with you?
I didn't wanna be put in that position, so
I just, you know, I'm not gonna talk here.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Totally.
So what changed?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Well, I didn't talk there
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Mm-hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: To
12 meetings, and then I was done, right?
I stubbornly kicked myself out
the door and said, I've graduated.
And it wasn't until, a couple years
later, I went to a different group.
This time was all people struggling with
pornography all around the same age as me.
So the demographics were right.
But people leading that
group were not addicts.
They were missionaries who were
assigned to teach that class, and
they didn't feel comfortable letting
people open up and share their stories.
So it became very much, we
are here to gospel at you
until you're better, you guys
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah,
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
to each other.
And so
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Share, but don't share.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Right.
. I went to a couple of different
groups that were like that,
which is a big challenge.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Until
I got away from like church sponsored,
church organized groups, I went to a
different group, Sexaholics Anonymous,
where just so happened everybody in
this group were also members of the
church, but they were operating under
this other umbrella, and so they just.
Let themselves loose and would
just talk openly about anything and
everything, which was like the first
time I had heard all these members.
They just cuss like sailors
when they're in the group.
You know, what happens in the group,
stays in the group, which I personally
didn't feel super comfortable with,
that aspect of it, but the realness and
the authenticity, I finally felt like I
had a tribe where I actually belonged.
Which was absolutely critical to
go from, I'm in this problem alone.
Nobody gets me, I'm unlovable.
I've been to these other groups
where they're just trying to fix
me because they see me as broken
to where, now these guys see me.
They know me because they are me and
I, I'm not at the bottom trying to
look up at what's possible anymore.
I'm somewhere in the middle.
Because there were some guys that had gone
off the deep end and had destroyed their
marriages and, lost their kids or their
jobs, or sometimes even got suicidal.
They almost lost their lives over this.
by comparison, I was like, oh,
like I'm not struggling that bad.
I'm struggling somewhere in the middle.
And so it, it changed my perspective.
I got to recalibrate my relationship
with this crazy addiction thing.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
And so you were from when you
left the first group, and then
you said you didn't go to another
group for another couple years.
You were still acting out
through the whole time, correct?
Or no?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Off and on white knuckling stints.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
When did things actually
start to change for you?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: So
when I found a safe group and I could
actually open up about my story what I
was going through on a weekly basis, I
dove into the principles and learned a
lot of things really quickly and gained
some good sobriety quickly, what would
happen is I would cycle, would get really
good sobriety and then I would keep
going to group, but then group felt like
it was weighing me down because I would
see the same guys show up every week,
share their stories, but not get better.
Which was hard for me 'cause I'm
like, well, I'm getting better
using these principles . And at the
same time, my life got really good.
My relationship with my wife would
bounce back things would feel so
good that she would feel sad that I
would be going to group because she
wanted to spend more time with me.
'cause our relationship was really good.
And so there would be times
when I'd say, you know what?
I'm gonna stay home and spend time
with my wife instead of going to group.
'cause that's depressing and this is
fulfilling, and I would break away
and not go to group for a while.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
You know I, what I love about
that is because you're looking
at that saying, you know what?
This is what I need.
You're actually meeting a need when you're
going to a group that isn't fulfilling.
Find a different group.
People.
One That you connect with , one
that, you love to go to.
Love that, that you are like,
Hey, I just need to spend
some time with my wife today.
Like, this is important to me.
I gotta be able to have that
and that's gonna keep me more
sober than going to the group.
And it's okay for people to do that.
Where some guys, that becomes their
religion that they have to go every single
week or all hell is gonna break loose
when they're acting out every week anyway.
So like not all hell is gonna
break loose if you miss it.
If you miss a week, it's okay.
It then if you're doing
something, especially that
you're meeting some needs there.
Dope.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
That's fascinating that you say that.
I've seen the same thing.
Addiction is a solution.
It's a solution to a problem.
It's, it's the
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
And the identity, the shame problem.
And yeah.
When guys find recovery and they
say the group is the new solution,
then they'll latch onto it.
Like that's the solution.
But the way to get out of addiction
long term is to build out your utility
belt of lots of different solutions.
Get flexible with it.
Lots of ways to.
Process, emotions, lots of
ways to connect with people.
Lots of ways to show compassion
and love for yourself.
If you've got a huge repertoire,
then you're more resilient.
I think that's the word I would
use, because you have redundancies,
you have contingencies.
It's not just the one group.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
So that brings up something interesting
for me because , I did find a
really good group for a long time.
I was going to a 12 step that I loved
for about two and a half years, but I
found after a while, similar to what you
described, I just didn't feel like it
was meeting the need that it once was.
And so I've stopped.
And as you're speaking, Ryan, I'm
realizing I'm not really meeting
my needs for connection with
other men as well as I ought to.
I've got two close friends, but as
far as like actually spending time
in a community that's supportive and
loving, like I, I'm kind of missing that
so I'm curious if you maybe
could describe to me or the
person who's like me listening.
What is it that I'm
looking for in a community?
When either I don't like the community
or , the current community has
exhausted its usefulness, where do I go?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
That's a good question.
So from my experience, there would be
times when I'd go to group where I wasn't
really sure what I'd get out of it.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550: I.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
I felt like I was in a pretty good
place and then I share my story for
a few minutes, or you know, just.
An emotional challenge that
I overcame during the week.
I didn't act out, but I had this challenge
that, you know, something at work and
just share how I think through it.
then after the meeting, someone
would come up to me inevitably on
those times when I felt like, I'm not
sure what I'm gonna get out of this.
Someone would come up to me and say,
what you shared was huge for me today.
Right.
So, and that changes the story from.
I am broken.
I'm unlovable, I'm this, I'm that too.
Now all of a sudden, my story,
my challenge, my struggles
are a boon to somebody else.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
My story is value to somebody else.
That that's really what the 12th
step is all about, is now that I've
gone full circle, I have this story,
I can use that story for good.
And so it's God's way of multiplying
the goodness of your recovery, of
taking your one person's experience
worth of pain and turning it into
something helpful for many, many others.
You could go back to the same
group that didn't feel like it
was you the lens of, I'm here to
be the light for somebody else.
And it could totally
change your experience
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
on a different hat.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
I love that it, maybe it wasn't
that , the group had it exhausted its
usefulness, but that it was time for
my lens to change and it never did.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Because
your identity and how you saw yourself
and what you needed match what you were
seeing and feeling in that environment.
That's actually why I started the King's
Core, because my life got so good.
My, my relationship with my wife, she just
said, you are a totally different person.
You think differently.
I feel different being around you.
This has to be shared.
There are so many others that need
to know what you have learned.
And so.
I went all in and started reaching
out to men and coaching them and
have been able to help a handful
already, and it just feels good
christ descended below all things,
and because he did that, he now has
been able to ascend above all things.
It's the hero's journey.
If you're familiar with the hero's
journey, you gotta go down into
the pit of despair, where you feel
hopeless, where you feel alone.
When you overcome that and you come
out on the other side, the perspective
that you have becomes invaluable.
So that's my mission, is to
convert my story into hope.
It was peeling back onion,
layers type of a journey.
So it starts off with porn
is the problem, right?
Because I keep viewing it and.
That's what everybody says is the
bad, immoral, unethical thing.
That's the lightning rod that
everybody attacks it's porn problem.
When I got distance from porn, I
found myself having the same type
of sneaking, lying, skirting around
the truth situation around treats.
, I would be at work and this other
group at work was having a potluck and
they had chocolate muffins over there,
but I wasn't a part of their group.
But I'm sitting in my cubicle and I'm eye
those chocolate muffins for three hours.
Like if they're not gonna eat those
chocolate muffins, then I have to pretend
like I'm gonna go to the bathroom so
that I can go over there and sneak a
muffin when no one's looking right.
This whole thing.
And I realized in that moment
that, oh my gosh, that chocolate
muffin is porn to me right now.
So that was the first time I had seen a
clear sign of an addiction transmuting,
and I realized, okay, so it's not porn.
It's deeper than that.
Porn has its problems.
Every addictive substance has its
own way of damaging your life,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Porn specifically damages marriages
because the female objectification
just hurts wives so much.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
damage.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Yeah, when I saw it go to sugar, I was
like, okay, there's something else.
That's when I started to
deep dive into emotions.
It's an emotion problem.
I'm feeling anxiety, I'm feeling scared.
I'm feeling depressed.
I'm feeling shame, right?
So it's these emotions
that are the problem.
Now, when I dug further, I found
that it goes a step further, actually
identity, the core beliefs that I had.
into my subconscious
was that I'm not enough.
I don't
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: up, and
that would lead to anxiety and depression
and fear and all these other things.
And when I started to focus on identity,
everything changed from the bottom up.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
You know, I've had that
thought many, many times.
The first time I clued into that
was when I went to Warrior Heart.
I was able to process some things and
get some things I believed about myself
up out of my heart and onto paper and
actually realized them for the first time.
I began to feel differently.
I began to work at recovery differently.
Where I find myself now is in a position
where I'm like, I see that, I understand
that, and I see the, tackling shame
and digging down into the identity.
But every time something big comes up,
I can't go back to Warrior Heart now.
I mean, I could, but that's not
necessarily a great maintenance
program across your life.
You gotta find individual
tools to kind of help you.
I'm curious and implement
those tools all the time.
Yeah.
And I'm curious what you've found as
that process started to take place
that you also latched onto that
helped you maintain that lifestyle.
Because you become a different person,
but you gotta replace it with something.
And that's where I'm stuck personally.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
This is what I learned.
To my core that I maintain every day.
So your identity is who you see
yourself as, we reinforce our identity
constantly by our own self-talk.
And if we don't think to question
it, if we're not intentional in
paying attention to what that
self-talk is, We can slide backwards.
For me, it all came down to
paying attention to the words I'm
using describe my experiences.
What are the stories?
Everything that happens in our lives
could be seen as positive or negative.
Two people can have the exact same
experience, but have wildly different
perceptions of that experience,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
It could be really positive for one
person, really negative for another.
This person's offended.
This person's just fine, and it
all comes down to the stories
that they're telling themselves.
There's a quote from CS Lewis
that I really, really love.
It's what you see in here.
Depends a great deal on
where you're standing.
It also depends on what
type of person you are.
So who you are, your experiences, your
identity, your beliefs about things.
All of that creates a filter on what
you are seeing and experiencing.
And I realized for me, I had trained
myself into a really strong filter,
biased towards interpreting things as
anxious inducing in a negative way.
Or interpreting things as
And it was just a belief because I would
tell myself a story of what things meant
and I would never question the story.
I would just take it as reality..
This was an exercise I started
to do that is really powerful.
I treat everything that's happening
in my life as neutral because it
has positive and negative potential.
So I write out one worst case scenario
that could happen from the thing that
just happened, I'll make it short just
what is the worst case scenario, what
am I afraid of, and then I'll turn
around and I'll write three to five
or more positive things that could
come out of this current situation.
It recalibrates my ability
to see the positive.
To not assign negative beliefs to things
that just keep me cycling and stuck.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
Changing your focus, right?
Instead of focusing on the negative
things, you're changing your
focus to focus on the positive.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Right.
So like your situation, you're saying,
Satan is attacking me every time
I come up for a podcast recording.
You've experienced that.
I've felt something very similar.
There are times when I just feel so
bogged down and I'm like, why today?
And it's when someone needs
me to help them spiritually.
on that afternoon, it's like,
I don't know how that happens,
but I've experienced that.
so there are times when I feel really
bogged down or really depressed, all
these things, I'll remind myself,
I'm probably feeling this because
I'm on the verge of doing the most
good that I've done in a while.
I'm probably on the verge of helping
somebody in a really big way, and
I just need to endure past this
point because I know it's temporary.
always comes in waves and it'll be gone
maybe 15 minutes, I just ride the wave.
Just like a trigger,
just like anything else
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Do you have any practical
mindset shifting tools?
That you've also used in one-on-one
coaching or, some of your own,
you know, personal recovery.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
I just mentioned triggers.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Mm-hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: That
was something that no one fully explained
to me that would catch me off guard.
And I think it trips a lot of people
up that are going through addiction
recovery because they'll learn some
good principles, they'll apply them,
they'll get good sobriety, and then a
trigger will come up outta nowhere at
a really inconvenient time when they
are emotionally tired and they'll cave,
they'll act out.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: So
what I found is that the subconscious
is God's supercomputer that he gave each
one of us and its job is to predictively
associations and connections to give
us signals that it thinks will help us.
So if I had a really negative experience
in a certain environment, then
subconscious is going to take in the
sites the sounds, the feel of the place,
the tone of voice, the body language
of the people I was around, or even
the specific people that I was around.
It's gonna make associations.
And so the next time I'm around an
environment that my subconscious
recognizes as being similar.
It'll float up fear or it'll flow up
anxiety or discomfort or something.
It'll say, Hey, this just a reminder.
This situation could lead to a
repeat of that horrible experience,
but it's just a predictive engine.
It's like, like a Facebook feed
that never had its cookies cleared.
So it's an algorithm.
It's trying to study your life and your
past actions, and it'll float up things
that it thinks are helpful to you.
But if you're trying to consciously
move in a completely new direction,
then those old programs might not
be helpful to you in the moment.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
When I first started my recovery
journey, I didn't know what
all of those triggers were.
I had over 15 years of
acting out in addiction.
I had used in lots of different
environments, under lots of
different circumstances, and so I
had a lot of different associations
that I couldn't articulate.
So when they showed up out of the blue,
it was like, oh my gosh, what is this?
And I'm, oh, I'm overwhelmed,
and then I'm acting out.
If someone had pulled me aside in the
beginning and said, just so you know.
You have all of these
associations that you've made
that you don't even know about.
They might come up at really
weird, inconvenient times.
They're just associations.
It's just an old memory.
It's just a shadow of an
experience you've had in the past.
You can make a new
conscious decision and move.
So at any given point in time, you
can make a positive choice, a negative
choice, or just make no change at all.
If you make no change at all,
you're assuming that things
will just work itself out.
And what I've found is that if I
just pretend like it'll work itself
out, it doesn't, it'll get worse
because now I'm not progressing.
I'm not intentionally looking at that
thing and making a positive choice.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right whi, which all three
of those are all choices.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Yes,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Not doing anything.
That's a choice that you make.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
they're all choices.
They don't feel equivalent in the
moment if you're not prepared for them.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Totally.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: 'cause
a positive choice feels new and scary.
Negative choice can feel
familiar, comforting, right?
It's all perspective,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
a story that we can tell ourselves.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Totally.
So Ryan, let's dig into a little bit
more of the the King's core philosophy
so our audience can get a feel for
how you tackle recovery with men.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
I found that there were four
pillars of development that I was
personally weak in, that when I got
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550: I.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
in all four of those areas, my
life started to come back together.
So , the core is an acronym.
It's CORE.
It's clarity, ownership,
resilience, and Execution.
Clarity is just having a vision of where
you're wanting to move your life in.
If you don't even have that, then
any effort you put in any direction,
it's a waste of energy because
you're just spitting in circles.
Where are you going?
You don't know.
And with ownership, I had to find all the
areas where I had given away ownership.
not allowing myself to see where I
had the power of choice, because I
was telling myself like my mindset or
my beliefs that's childhood trauma.
I don't have power over that,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Uh,
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: yeah.
I have power over how I respond to it
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
right.
I love ownership
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Yeah,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
love.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Or the language that I use.
Like how do I change my emotions?
They just happen.
Well, no, there are lots of things
you can do to change your emotions,
like visualizing yourself joy, like
what was it like to receive the
greatest gift you've ever gotten?
Did you see it from a distance?
See it kind of wrapped up, kind of know
the shape of it and you anticipated
what it might be, and then when you
opened it up, did you have memories
of that you were gonna do with that
gift all coming together, all this
moment, and you feel all that at once.
That's joy.
You can envision that in your
head and feel joy right now
just by putting on that hat,
telling yourself a story Now.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
That's a good one because there's
the opposite side of the coin, which
is there are things that I need to
experience and process and learn pain
that's stuck deep in my nervous system.
Right.
And as you're talking that out
loud, I think I've spent so
much time doing trauma therapy.
I've kind of become complacent in that
aspect of pos positive choice in my life.
I'm running from the monster so much
that I forget what I'm running towards
and there's some ownership, right?
I have control.
I can make choices.
So I love that principle.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
So here's a quick reframe.
You're calling it a monster.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Using that language gives it power
where you're saying, I've done all this
trauma work and it's still, still with me.
If you're telling the story that
there's this ragey monster deep inside
you that you've been trying to uproot
for years, that's a visual image
that's going to make it harder to
process the emotions to release it.
Language is so powerful.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
I love that man.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
And resilience.
Resilience is the ability to take
hits without being bent, outta shape,
knocked over, laid flat, right?
And to me, resilience, it's, it's
all about building out that expanded
utility belt of tools it's building,
expanding circles of buffer and safety.
So yeah, when I first started it was, I
can't be around computers when I'm alone.
That's absolute nuclear red zone danger.
And then you keep drawing the chalk line
further and further and further back
as you learn more tools and strategies.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Because now you can be on
a computer by yourself.
Correct.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: yeah.
I'm In this home alone.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
You just have that resilience
to be like, I'm safe to be
around a computer and be okay.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Yeah, not afraid of myself
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
my own values,
And that that comes in time.
Everybody has figure that
out for themselves Over time.
I really do subscribe to the belief
that addictions are permanent for life.
I really do believe that
there is life after addiction.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
totally.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
It's like riding a bike.
You can always go back to it at any time,
but I could walk out the store right
now, grab a tree branch, find someone on
the street, start beating 'em with it.
That option is available to me.
Am I going to do that?
Well, no.
I know what the consequences
of doing that would be, and I
don't want those consequences.
I don't know if I ever had that
desire, maybe, but I don't have it now.
But it's, it's the same with
addiction, just can't evolve to a
point where the desire is not there.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
So that's resilience.
Now we have execution, right?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Execution and execution is the
ability to be consistent and
persistent in a course of action.
actually do the work.
So every action has a half life to it.
It will decay.
can't just exercise
once and become strong.
If you exercise once every two months
consistently, that's consistent, but
you're still not gonna get growth
because it's not frequent enough.
So execution, learning about the
mindset of how to be persistent,
how to show up when motivation is
gone, intrinsic to do the thing isn't
there, but I still show up anyway.
That was something that I, I didn't
have and it affected my ability to
find employment or to perform in jobs.
It affected how I took care of my body.
It affected how I took care
of my family, so I knew that I
needed to develop that muscle
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
What would you say to someone
who's like me right now who
feels they're low on execution
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
So this is where the, the pillars
start to interact with each other.
Is there a resilience
making you trip yourself up?
Are you self-sabotaging or is it
a clarity issue where you have
too many things that you wanna do
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550: I.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
not focused in on?
critical few that are the most important
to be consistent on that, right?
Are, are your energies diffuse?
Are the spread out?
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
You even able to be consistent?
Or is it an ownership issue?
Do you have a blind spot for where
you're not controlling your time?
Or making decisions, right?
When I work with men, I look at all
four pillars to see what are the weak
links, what are the lever points that
will really pull all this together
so that they can get traction.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah, I love that idea.
I think for me it's
probably a clarity issue.
I'd describe it more in detail,
but it's really unclear.
No, but sorry, that sounded like a joke.
I'm being serious.
It really is..
I'm just not sure.
What are the critical things?
One of the most, 1, 2, 3, maybe
four things in my life that I
really need to pay attention to.
I keep getting lost in, in the minutia.
And then the really important things
that I'd like to be more persistent
and consistent in like recovery
work showing up in my relationship.
They all become things
that I do at 78 or 80%.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
Are you familiar with Pareto's Law?
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
The 80 20 rule.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: 20% of
your effort creates 80% of the results,
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Ah, okay.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
so that's the critical few that
you focus on that will give you
the most fulfillment right now.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Right?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: Another
way to look at it is one big domino.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Hmm.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
dominoes, you set 'em all up and
just one will get the rest to move.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Yeah.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
What is the one thing that if I worked
on it and focused on it right now,
would make all of the other problems,
concern areas in my life either
take care of themselves or become
irrelevant to where it's a non-issue.
So for me, emotional intelligence
was one of those big dominoes.
If I develop emotional intelligence,
performance at work will improve
my relationship with my wife
and with my kids will improve.
a one big domino, a meta skill.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Thank you for that insight.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to do some
journaling tonight as we're wrapping
up, what are kind of the final
thoughts?
The two, three most important
things that you could share?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
The stories that you tell yourself.
Are what will make or break it.
And the main story that I would
start telling myself if I was
still struggling, inundated with
addiction is that all emotions are
designed by God to help and serve me.
Even anxiety, even depression,
there's something there some bit of
wisdom that it's trying to tell me
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
it's not.
Something that I am
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
supposed to wallow in or beat myself
up over or tell myself I'm less
than because I'm experiencing that.
So if you can do what God does, which
is no matter what horrible, awful
thing is happening in the world,
he can turn it for his benefit.
If you can learn how to do that by telling
yourself new stories, using different
language to describe things, what I
have found it is so much easier to find
self-compassion and to find patience,
and to find deep-seated resilience and
stick to itness with my personal values
when I show up for myself in that way.
I don't kick myself to the ground
and keep on kicking anymore.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
Ryan, if Someone wants to get in
contact with you, where do they go?
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: I
have a men's community on the school
platform called the Kings Core, my email.
It's ryan@kingscore.com.
If anybody wants to reach out to
me to have a conversation, share
their story, I'd love to hear it.
I'm much in the mode of just
connecting with as many guys as
I can and seeing who I can help.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
And what resources do you offer
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551: so
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550: I.
ryan-carnahan_2_04-14-2026_183551:
men's community, I have courses, on
each of the four key pillars, and I'm.
Evolving more courses.
One is a deep dive on
emotional intelligence.
One is a deep dive on marriage dynamics
and protecting your marriage, . I'm gonna
develop one on parenting soon on the
nuance there of working with your kids.
Every helpful resource I can find,
I'm distilling it into clear packaged
nuggets with activities, exercises.
different things in the community.
You can shoulders with like-minded guys
who are also wanting to in every area.
unashamed-unafraid_2_04-14-2026_183550:
For being on Ryan.
Heck yeah, man.
We appreciate it.
For sure.
Ryan Carnahan from King's Core.
Love some of his insights
certainly food for thought for me.
Guys.
Thanks for watching.
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