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Are you ready to take the steps necessary to thrive? Join us every episode as host Adam Gragg discusses what is holding us back and how to move forward with purpose, along the way developing healthy relationships and navigating life transitions while overcoming fear, stress and anxiety. Adam is a family therapist, mental health professional and life coach helping individuals and organizations find the transformational clarity that unleashes hope. Live the life you want, the legacy you decide.
Ep129
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[00:00:00] Welcome to episode 128 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Today's episode is on turning life's obstacles into opportunities. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a coach, family therapist, speaker, and mental health professional for 25 years. I help people find the clarity needed to face their biggest [00:01:00] fears and live their legacy.
I talk about stuff I struggle with myself. I don't have it all figured out. I am a fellow traveler. So I want to share something that was very challenging for me. I had a business eight years ago with five team members, a number of other subcontractor, part time people. It was thriving. It was going very well.
And I was making as much money as I ever have in my life. I launched my first online educational product and then things crashed and burned. I was working with my then wife at the time and marriage fell apart, ~had to, ~ended up going from a team, from a, mean, a small team, ~but ~with a number of people on the team to being all by myself.
After a fairly brief period of time and ended up being divorced, it impacted my [00:02:00] life. ~I mean, ~I had to deal with betrayal and I ended up being in a state where I viewed people as untrustworthy. I I viewed myself as being all alone. I can't do it by myself. Who can I trust? Over time, I had to rebuild.
It took a while. It took a long time. In fact, even just over the last 12 months, there's been some really major cool progress in my life. I decided with the business to do a relaunch, to hire another full time employee, and that was in December. And that was a great step towards rebuilding trust. I joined a business support, small group of business owners almost two years ago.
~And then that led to me starting to rebuild trust. ~I had to trust people again. I learned to. And I saw when I ended up actually in the hospital because of this lack of trust in people. And I ended up [00:03:00] not sleeping for a long period of time, trusting my friends in a way that I hadn't before, really seeing they're going to show up for me.
And they did show up for me and the pieces and things started to rebuild. And then here I am now, I mean, I'm still rebuilding. But I look at Decider Legacy and I think I've started this business twice, once in 2012, and then once again in 2023. And this is a business about bigger, better futures. Even when you feel like there's not one that's great right now.
I mean, the tagline for years has been your best future awaits because I do believe that. ~So it's a, Relaunching, it's a restarting. ~One of the big concepts that I've had to realize in my own life is I can turn things that look like a huge, unsurmountable obstacle into an opportunity, a great opportunity.
And that's what we're going to focus on today is ~how to, ~how to turn these things that we look at such big, huge obstacles and making them into great opportunities. It's going to take intentional. Work, it's going to [00:04:00] take shifts. But before we actually jump into this content, I want to share something uncomfortable that I've done recently.
~And cause ~At the start of every episode, I share something that is a challenge, an uncomfortable thing, because I don't believe much is more important to your mental health than fake fears. A lot of the challenges we face with our mental health are because we're avoiding and we're making excuses and we're not dealing with stuff in our lives.
I don't believe Much is more crucial and more, I mean, more dangerous to your mental health than just playing it safe. I don't want you to play it safe. So the risks that I've taken is actually one that I just went through. I'm sharing more personal stories that I don't want to share that are scary because it's, it's a vulnerable situation.
And so I want you to, because this is the podcast that you do not just listen to, I want you to think about. An action you can take. Okay. So you can do something uncomfortable right now, at least emotionally right now. So what is an obstacle, something that's happened in your [00:05:00] life, a challenge that you can, that you believe you're stuck with?
So it could be a divorce like mine. It could be a loss. It could be a betrayal, it could be some sort of incident in your past, someone who's hurt you. It could be ~some, ~something in your life ~that, ~that you have not faced fully. And I want you to write that down or I want you to think about that right now.
And as you go through this content to focus on it, because I want you to really be able to process through that information and this content is going to be extremely helpful for you. ~So, so ~Some reasons why you want to turn those obstacles and that ~you can, ~you can turn those biggest obstacles into your best, brightest, amazing opportunities.
And one of the reasons is because you will channel your focus to the right things as you transform that obstacle, it's going to decrease the stress in your life because that situation that you have that you are focusing on is causing you a lot of stress. ~And so. With your brain at times, and I want you to tell yourself and ask yourself this question.~
Do you focus more on what you have or what you [00:06:00] don't have? Think about that. I mean, is your primary attention on what you actually have in your life? The good things, the opportunities, or is it on what you don't have in your life? What you wish you would have, the things that are lacking or the things that you had in the past that you don't have now?
What is it? Is it the first one? What you have or what you don't have? Do you focus more on your past? On your mistakes? On the things that didn't go well? On whatever you regret? On the stuff that you wish you had now that you don't have now? Or on your future? On your past or on your future? Which one? Do you focus more on your failures?
Or do you focus more on your successes? The things that you've done right, or what you've gone through that you didn't handle right. Which one do you focus on? Do you focus on how people could hurt you or how people can actually help you? Which one? So, so as you see that you deal and you realize that these obstacles, you know, like in my case, ~the, ~the marriage and then dealing with trust issues in my own life [00:07:00] and the way I handled things is ~I, ~I could see that I had an option to choose.
to trust people. And I could see at some point, ~and it took me a way too long in my opinion, but ~it took me as long as I needed, I suppose. ~It, well, I mean, obviously, ~because I didn't make the changes until I decided to, but you can see that these things that were a struggle in your past, you can deal with them and they can become this great opportunity for you to have a transformation in your life.
~Amazing stuff. So, ~Are you focused on the gap or on the gain? You will get what you expect. You will get conflict when you expect conflict. So I think of times with my daughter as a dad, if I'm addressing something and I go into it and I think that she's really not going to like this. So, the other day I was asking her to help me with something in the kitchen and I know I went into it and I intentionally decided to go into it saying she is going to enjoy helping with this.
And we made. Really a awesome ~recipe. And it was my brother's ~recipe. It was stuffed shells and it ended up being a really positive, cool [00:08:00] experience. We've had that for dinner the last, ~I think, ~few meals, and it's been really cool, but I went in intentionally thinking this is going to go well. I often do not do that.
You can apply this concept here by challenging yourself to figure out where do I have a both and focus versus an either or focus. So for example, a both and focus is both it was a success and it's a failure. Both I have good things in my life and I also have challenges in my life. Both that obstacle that I have experienced in my life can also and will become a great blessing in my life.
That's a both and perspective. So the second reason that I want you to shift your obstacles into your greatest opportunities is because that's going to help you get the meaning out of it. So as you see that I went through this experience to gain something, and it's going to help me to grow because I went through this experience, it's going to ~have a totally, ~take on a totally different meaning in your [00:09:00] life.
~You, ~You will grasp why you went through something that even you can look back on and say, I'm so glad that happened. And it was also a horrible experience. And that's the really cool part about it because it's going to become something that gives you this propulsion forward in your life. I'm a better dad because I went through the difficult situations I had in the past in relationships.
I'm a better, I'm better in my relationships. And if I do get remarried, I'll be a better husband because of what I went through. And I'll cherish and value my relationships more because of what I've went through in the past. It goes from my head to my heart more. Because I'm transforming that adversity.
That's why you want to deal with this stuff. That's why you want to have the mindset that you can change these obstacles into opportunities because you know that ~it's going to, ~it's going to make it into something very meaningful. So a client, he wanted to lose some weight and he had gone through a very successful week.
I mean, this is something very, very recent. So his, [00:10:00] Ultimate goal is to lose about 50 pounds and he set that as a goal. And so anyway, he came to me and told me that he had lost, I think it was like seven pounds over a two week period. And then I asked him why he had lost the weight and he said, well, I've been working out and I've been watching might I eat.
And I've also been going to these meetings. I think it's probably some kind of a support group for people that want to lose weight. And I think through his work kind of thing, but he had been doing this consistently. And I asked him how many days a week had he been doing this? And he said, really every day he's been doing something and really inspired and encouraged.
I think when you lose seven pounds, you're going to feel that, you know, big guy, but he's going to feel that because it's something significant. And I don't know if it's a, if it's a notch in his belt or not, but certainly going to have some level of impact in his energy level. I would imagine. And then I talked to him a couple of weeks later and he was demotivated.
And he said that he hadn't been working out and he was discouraged that I asked him what he'd been doing. And he said, well, he [00:11:00] had a couple of days that he missed working out and then he had just kind of given up on it. You know, here we go again, just like in the past, I start something, I'm all gung ho, and then I dropped the ball on it.
So we had this conversation, the same one I'm having with ~you. ~you today about obstacles and opportunities. And we were discussing how he could change this obstacle, reflecting on and thinking about how often he has failed to him himself in his own view of himself by dropping the ball on his health program.
And then, transforming that and seeing that he could turn it into something that's, that is an opportunity. So we listed all the different things that he had been focusing on recently, which had been the times that he had given up on his diet, the times he didn't make it to the gym, the people that he was letting down, the situations in the past where he's given up on his goals, ~the opportunity, I mean, ~the obstacle of even having to go out and buy new clothes, which he ~wanted, ~didn't want to actually have to go and do.
People noticing that he had lost weight was an obstacle to him, which if he lost any more, he thought they might notice in his face and maybe in his body that he was losing [00:12:00] some weight. These were all obstacles to him. He didn't see them as obstacles at first until we discussed them. And then my next question is, well, how can you make this an opportunity?
How can this be something that you can transform into something good in your life? How can you see it as a way to help other people? And he started to share that he could, in this case, lower his expectation just a little bit and go from maybe working out five days to seven days a week to working out three to four days a week.
And that to him was still a success rather than zero days a week. He started to discuss with me how he could. ~Make it, it ~make it a goal to eat some unhealthy food on occasion to celebrate. So go and get some frozen yogurt or get off his meal plan for a period of time on a Saturday to watch a football game by having a beer with his buddies or a couple, you know, nice coffee drink that had.
It wasn't healthy for him, but a frappuccino at Starbucks or ~some, ~something fun that he could do. And he started to get inspired and I could see his energy level change. Like, I can do this. [00:13:00] I'm learning from this. And even he was able to say and identify that him letting himself down was a good thing because he got to identify through that experience that he was beating himself up and that he was perfectionistic and that he didn't have to live there. So he started to make meaning out of this whole entire experience. And I haven't talked to him since that conversation, but I'm optimistic that it's going to transform things in his life to this situation where he felt like he failed to something really positive and meaningful.
All right, there you go. So why you, you want to go ahead and see these situations and grasp it. So you'll learn the lesson from it, which is going to change your life. ~You're great. ~You're gaining something so inspiring and impactful because of this. So how is a bad thing that has happened in your life?
~And I know this wasn't a really bad thing in his life by, by dropping the ball on his exercise trigger, but ~What's a bad thing in your life? It could be something like not falling through for yourself. How can it be used for something good? It could be that you say that pain has put me in a situation where I'm going to choose to not experience that kind of pain [00:14:00] again.
I know for me in my life, I remember choosing to trust somebody that very first step for me professionally. It wasn't actually hiring Lloyd. ~My. ~my operations manager. It was actually working and renting and working alongside a colleague, Todd, who's actually been a guest on this podcast. I mean, to actually working with him for a period of time to rebuild trust.
~And, ~And that was really big for me. And then I hired somebody part time, actually contractually at first, and then they were working with me, you know, doing contract work with me, but consistently like a full day a week. And that was starting to rebuild trust with somebody. So it was these small steps and then it led to this full time.
And even the guy, my podcast engineer, I mean, trusting him in this situation. So these small steps made things that I can trust other people, you know, and ~I had. ~I had the ability to let my guard down to say, they're going to fall through. They're not going to do what [00:15:00] I mean, because initially it was like, everyone's going to hurt me.
Everyone's going to be distrustful. ~Everyone's going to be, I mean like that, ~I don't feel like it's a total overreaction that led to me isolating, even isolating from people who I had reason to only trust, but I wasn't trusting them emotionally that is. So if you found this helpful and you can work on this stuff, you can work on transforming these obstacles into, into opportunities by going through Shatterproof Yourself Light. This is a free course that I put together for you. It's seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. So ~it's my, ~it comes from my life experiences over 25, 30 years, 25 as a mental health professional. So these are actionable steps that you can take in this free version.
There's a worksheet to fill out as you go through the content, you're going to find this incredibly helpful. And it's a step again, for you to transforming your obstacles into great opportunities. ~The third, ~The third reason why you want to go back and you can transform this junk ~in the, ~that you've [00:16:00] gone through these obstacles that you see ahead even into your best opportunities is because it's going to end up energizing you.
It may be demotivating you, keeping you isolated like it did for me, but it's going to end up energizing you. Why? Because you're going to start seeing how ~these, ~these horrible experiences that you've had are actually, ~you know, ~things that you can use to help others, things that can fuel you to push through difficult sales conversations, rejection with other people, knowing that you have something to offer, knowing that what you are offering people is going to transform their life to the extent where it's worth it to you to not.
Care what they think about you. And that's what it's done in my life. When I get in these moments of saying, I have something really cool to offer people. And what I offer people is clarity and a legacy plan. If you go through my content, you're going to see, I'm leading you towards a clarifying legacy plan that you're going to focus on consistently.
That's going to push you and propel you forward. You're going to see and transform in the process, how these obstacles in detail. [00:17:00] are going to be your biggest motivation and your fuel for moving forward. ~So, so ~I'm so excited when I get to see how, even in something small like a health program, but in big things like what other people have experienced.
And that is really a big thing. It may not look like A life transformative type thing. But in this one specific client, I believe it absolutely can be when they realize that they can manage their health and have this kind of self management. It's going to inspire them to manage other parts of their lives as well.
So you're going to be able to create this amazing future because you start to see it. You know, we're in the business at Decide Your Legacy to help people create these amazing futures. ~That's, ~that's the cool thing about it. So you're going to see that you have this, even though at times, like for me, I.
Didn't see it. I mean, I was struggling to have this excitement about my future. It was just survival, not thriving. And then that's going to be your energy. As you see, you can thrive through these obstacles. So I look at old pictures sometimes of [00:18:00] my daughter and even my friends and my family and my brother and my mom and dad.
And I can look at those things and I can focus on the obstacle, like how much time has come by or the tension in that relationship or what is not the way I want it to be. Or I can look at it and say, I have so many cool opportunities. You know, I saw this picture the other day, pop up on my feed on my iPhone.
And I look at that and I can get sad or I can get so excited because all these things in the past, they are a reminder of the future memories I'm going to have. It's an opportunity. It's not a setback because I know that I have so many cool things ahead.
I know that it's there. I mean, I feel it in my bones that there's so many cool, amazing things ahead, whether it's other friends and, and her and my grandkids ~and, you know, getting. Other relationships, ~inspiring things ahead. Now that's really cool. I'm energized by it because I'm going to bring good into those situations, energized by the fact that I can help people more now than I ever have, because I've been through some stuff that I never want to go through again.
And you have the same stuff in your [00:19:00] life, in your history as well. Energized, not stuck by the old crap. You know, a great example that I can think of too, is a client who wants to, she wants to repair a relationship that she has with her grown kids and her attitude is. Over the last few years, she's worked a lot and she feels like she's been disengaged.
And her attitude has shifted from, I've made all these mistakes, to I know I can actually repair these relationships. And so I've done this with many clients, but sometimes I'll, and you can do the same thing for yourself, is I'll have them list, what are the obstacles that they face right now? And she made a list of things like, I've made these mistakes.
I have these regrets. The obstacle is my own mindset. The obstacle is my kid's attitude towards me. My obstacle is them trusting me to fully engage. ~And not to put their, my attention into work. ~My obstacle is their spouse's attitude towards me. My obstacle is my own lack of self desire at times. I mean, my own beating myself up for making these mistakes.
And then what's the opportunity. [00:20:00] And then she made this list as well. Well, the opportunity is better, healthier relationships, applying new skills I've learned through coaching, applying new skills I've learned in my own life, taking all the good stuff that I've learned from making mistakes and applying it to the future.
The opportunity is to go ahead and rekindle stuff that she had in the past with her kids and the good times, because she has been a good mom ~and she has had, she's had not been a perfect mom. She's had times that she regrets in recent years, but ~she has history in the past that she can rekindle and go back and use as energy and fuel.
So she went through that process of. deciding what am I going to focus on more? ~You know, ~am I going to focus on the obstacle? Am I going to focus on the opportunity? And then in that process, she started to shift it as well. So she just went through that list. I mean, we wrote it on a whiteboard in my office, and then she emailed me some stuff later on, and it was really encouraging to me to see it.
That was energizing, and I know it will be energizing to her as well. It's amazing how what we focus on impacts us. You know, if you want to feel inspired and encouraged and energized, you Focus on the opportunities that you have. [00:21:00] Focus on the good stuff. Focus on what you have to offer other people. If you want to be discouraged and depressed and anxious, well focus on what you're lacking.
You will get and head in the direction of what you focus on the most. You will feel based on what you focus on the most. You have the Ability to focus on what you can influence. And you also have the ability and probably the pull to focus on things that are out of your control. And your past is one of those things that's out of your control.
You can't control your past. You can't change your past. It's already happened. Just like you can't control other people. You can influence other people, but you can't control them. So I want to remind you that. You have a great opportunity to subscribe to Shatterproof Yourself Light. These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health.
Hit the link to subscribe. Go through that video, [00:22:00] download the worksheet, complete that. You'll find it extremely helpful. A great way to apply this content. I want to sign off today the way I usually always do, so insight is 20 percent of transformational change. You're gaining insight today by listening to this podcast.
Action is 80%. An okay plan that you act on is a hundred times better than a great plan, a perfect plan, if there is one, that you do nothing with. ~What resonated with you most today? By the end of the day today, ~Apply something that you have learned. And if you really want it to stick, ~which I believe you do, ~talk about that concept or tool to somebody else.
~You don't have to be weird about it. ~Just share something you learned. I want to sign off today the way I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy. No one else. I appreciate you greatly, and I will see you next time. [00:23:00]