Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Join feminist coaches Taina Brown and Becky Mollenkamp for casual (and often deep) conversations about business, current events, politics, pop culture, and more. We’re not perfect activists or allies! These are our real-time, messy feminist perspectives on the world around us.
This podcast is for you if you find yourself asking questions like:
• Why is feminism important today?
• What is intersectional feminism?
• Can capitalism be ethical?
• What does liberation mean?
• Equity vs. equality — what's the difference and why does it matter?
• What does a Trump victory mean for my life?
• What is mutual aid?
• How do we engage in collective action?
• Can I find safety in community?
• What's a feminist approach to ... ?
• What's the feminist perspective on ...?
Taina Brown she/hers (00:01.592)
Hello.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:03.278)
Hello.
Taina Brown she/hers (00:05.123)
How are you?
Becky Mollenkamp (00:06.314)
Well, you know, it's a loaded question.
Taina Brown she/hers (00:08.962)
Yeah, yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:10.712)
There's like the real answer and then there's the let's just keep going answer. Yeah, let's just keep moving answers. I'm great, how are you?
Taina Brown she/hers (00:12.374)
Dumb.
Yeah, let's just keep moving.
Taina Brown she/hers (00:22.703)
I'm okay. I'm okay. Wait, did you guys watch Super Bowl?
Becky Mollenkamp (00:29.454)
course.
Taina Brown she/hers (00:31.551)
Did you watch it with friends and family or? Okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (00:32.974)
no, was just the three of us, my husband and I. And really, it was just the two of us, because my son barely watched. He doesn't care about any of that. If it's not your tube, my kid doesn't care. He did watch. He kind of was in and out on Bad Bunny. He wanted the Seahawks to win, but I don't know for any real good reason. The Seahawks to win, which, yeah. I mean,
Taina Brown she/hers (00:42.457)
forgot we're recording, sorry.
Taina Brown she/hers (00:54.391)
You want to see what? he's got great taste.
Becky Mollenkamp (01:01.238)
I think I feel like I was with the bulk of America rooting against the Patriots not so much for the Seahawks sorry Patriots fans, but like you know it's kind of like a At some point give it to the other guys, you know and I know it's been a while But they have the Chiefs stench to them of like enough already we get it. Let's the other guys win
Taina Brown she/hers (01:05.07)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (01:18.89)
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, there's that there's also like the owner or something like donated to the inauguration. Like there's just a lot of like the
Becky Mollenkamp (01:23.886)
It's like, it-
Becky Mollenkamp (01:31.544)
craft their owner craft is is horrible. Not wasn't he also he was allegedly the massage guy who was like, anyway, he's just gross. He's done a lot of gross things. The paid the Brady stench is still there. He goes golfing with Trump. So anyway, for all the reasons, yes, I was I was reading for Seattle. I didn't really watch the game. I thought it was kind of a boring game, frankly, like
Taina Brown she/hers (01:34.205)
Yeah, yeah, the ex-coach dating that like 20 something year old.
Taina Brown she/hers (01:46.072)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (01:49.787)
for sure.
Taina Brown she/hers (01:57.556)
It actually was. It was defensively incredibly tight.
Becky Mollenkamp (02:03.118)
Yes, if you like defensive games, it was great. But let's be honest, most people don't like defensive games. Yeah, it wasn't that. But let's let's just be frank. I have a feeling the reason you're asking and the reason that millions and millions of people watched was for Benito Bull, the mid the halftime performance by Bad Bunny. And I don't speak a lick of Spanish. got Ola, De Nata, Homa esta, like, know, there.
Taina Brown she/hers (02:06.69)
But yeah, you want to see what score. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (02:22.734)
Benito!
Taina Brown she/hers (02:27.126)
Adios. Por favor.
Becky Mollenkamp (02:33.044)
Right. I can go to the, I can order off of a Mexican menu and know what the foods are. I can be polite with a little bit of like, please and thank you, but I don't speak Spanish. Didn't know a word he said, right? Like other than when he listed the countries, like that was about it. And I loved it. I am no Jill Zarin from the housewives who went on to say, where's the white people? I freaking loved every bit of it. Like,
Taina Brown she/hers (02:47.746)
Hahaha
Becky Mollenkamp (03:01.39)
Other than Lady Gaga, like it was decidedly not white. There were men humping.
Taina Brown she/hers (03:06.641)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (03:10.831)
I clocked that real quick. I was like, okay Benito, I see you.
Becky Mollenkamp (03:14.742)
I know, I mean, it was just, and the more I've sat with it, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this, and the more I've read about it, like just the layers and layers and layers. But before we even get into like the storytelling and the layers, have, no one has ever used that space in that way. In this like three dimensional, I mean, there was the time with like, Vidi sent them that, or whoever it was and snooped on. They had like stories.
Taina Brown she/hers (03:31.284)
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (03:38.573)
Well, yeah, when the East Coast or the West Coast rappers build, what I call them.
Becky Mollenkamp (03:43.631)
Yeah, I said it had the building that they went up and down in, but this was an imagining of that space that has never been seen. I mean, I don't know who the artistic director was or whoever, like, I'm sure so many people went into creating this thing, but I mean, just even beyond the message, which was...
Taina Brown she/hers (03:51.287)
It was very creative.
Taina Brown she/hers (03:57.986)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (04:04.418)
we'll get into I'm sure but like I was just blown away now I've seen videos from people who were there and they're like this is what it looked like to us where you couldn't even see much of anything because everything was happening down inside the the hurricane and like there's so much stuff that was hidden from them but let's be honest there's like what a hundred thousand people there and there's a hundred million people watching so it's not for you guys in the stands you go watch but for the rest of us it was just the most spectacular like that was a spectacle a spectacle
Taina Brown she/hers (04:14.614)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (04:23.638)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (04:32.236)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (04:33.418)
My favorite, what was your favorite halftime performance before this one?
Taina Brown she/hers (04:38.7)
Ooh, that's a hard question.
Becky Mollenkamp (04:41.218)
Well while you consider it, mine was Prince. Far and away.
Taina Brown she/hers (04:43.98)
I don't think I ever saw Princess have a performance. Okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (04:45.928)
my God, go back and watch it. You've got to go watch it. Amazing. Amazing, amazing Super Bowl. He set the bar for me. I really love what Kendrick did last year. I thought it was great. They have been getting better over years, you know, and Prince's wasn't amazing so much for the spectacle, but more because it was Prince. The music was amazing. He sang Purple Rain and it rained. Like it was just, it was, was just amazing. But I tell you, this is now...
Taina Brown she/hers (04:54.259)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (05:04.084)
It's Prince. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (05:13.612)
Like it has set a, like all other performances were like, the bar was down here. And this just put it in a stratosphere that I feel sorry for whoever has to go next. Because again, beyond all the other stuff, just the look of it, the actual like production value, it puts every other performance, even the ones where like, I know Katy Perry had like, she was doing aerials and Rihanna did some, you know, got up on stuff. this, just, was storytelling in a way that we've never seen.
Taina Brown she/hers (05:22.613)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (05:39.081)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (05:43.31)
is by far and away now my favorite halftime performance.
Taina Brown she/hers (05:46.108)
It was incredibly immersive. And I think the fact that it was created for the viewers at home and not for the people in the stands is also a bit of a statement in terms of like, who has the kind of money to be able to go and get tickets to a Super Bowl? Right, right. And so, and you know, the thing about the white people, Hispanics can be white. There were a lot of white people in that halftime show.
Becky Mollenkamp (05:48.493)
Ruff.
Becky Mollenkamp (06:02.764)
Right. We knew who's in the room there.
Becky Mollenkamp (06:15.148)
Well, right.
Taina Brown she/hers (06:15.359)
There weren't a lot of light.
Caucasian people in the half time show, whatever that means, but.
Becky Mollenkamp (06:21.122)
Right. Whatever word we want to use. Well, there were, there were, was also not very black. There were Afro Latina, there were Afro Latina people, but it was not, you know, and Kendrick last year, I can't remember now if there were any white dancers or not, but it was a decidedly black performance. Like, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (06:28.85)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (06:40.83)
It was mostly black. There were some white dancers, but it was mostly black. Yeah. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (06:44.704)
But anyway, mean, Jill's errands in that case. don't know if you saw her. But yeah, what I saw was all shades from like, maybe not the most vanilla vanilla, but from like real cafe au lait to like, know, much darker. And it was, it was just, yeah, it was gorgeous. yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (06:47.317)
Yeah, yeah. What she thinks doesn't matter, but we're not in this way.
Taina Brown she/hers (07:04.171)
It was gorgeous. It was gorgeous. From the very opening, I was like, wait, are those, is that a sugar cane field? Like, like I just, knew what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Lady Gaga thing, it was an interesting choice, but I'm not mad about it. I think.
Becky Mollenkamp (07:12.844)
There were people in them, which was so cool.
Becky Mollenkamp (07:25.134)
thought it was weird too, I felt like it to me was kind of like a sore thumb. one, Gaga in her own right could be a performer for a half time. Which is fine, mean the people bring in big names all the time. I Coldplay had Beyonce, so yeah. So it wasn't so much that, but it was sort of like the song she was singing and the way she was trying to move her body. And I don't know much about Lady Gaga, but I think she's Italian if I'm not mistaken.
Taina Brown she/hers (07:29.919)
Why? Yeah. Right, right.
yeah, like Coldplay brought in Beyonce and Bruno Mars, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (07:48.797)
Mm-hmm. She's Italian. Yeah. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (07:52.812)
She didn't strike me as somebody who had necessarily like the salsa in her bones. Like when she was trying to move it.
Taina Brown she/hers (07:58.943)
She wasn't doing too bad, I will say. She wasn't doing too bad. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (08:02.35)
It was subtle, it was interesting. Given everything else about it, was kind of like, was it because they were demanding some sort of name? And by the way, did hear, I don't know, because you probably, I don't think you speak a lot of Spanish either, right?
Taina Brown she/hers (08:16.551)
I mean, I understand it a lot better than I speak it, that's for sure.
Becky Mollenkamp (08:19.842)
Okay, because I was reading some analysis and apparently the line either right before or right around that that he said from one of his songs, it's from one of his songs, but the line was like, is this what you wanted from me or something? And then it was like, there's Lady Gaga. So it was almost like people were reading into all of that. It was like the statement. And I don't think anything is by mistake. So it was sort of like this, is this, this is what you think you want, right? This is what you're expecting some white lady. All right, fine. I'll give you your white lady.
Taina Brown she/hers (08:33.876)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (08:41.461)
No.
Taina Brown she/hers (08:45.072)
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but then she's gonna sing one of her songs as a salsa rendition. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you know, I have to just also clarify, like, I don't really listen to Mad Bunny's music. Like, I'm not, and it's not because I don't like it. It's not because I don't like that kind of music. I just, yeah, yeah, that's part of it.
Becky Mollenkamp (08:51.828)
Exactly. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (09:00.13)
I don't even... Don't know anything.
Becky Mollenkamp (09:07.406)
That's my excuse, I'm old. I really hadn't heard of Bad Bunny until like a year ago. Basically around the time they announced him as the Super Bowl performer last year, maybe a little before that I'd started to hear rumblings of his name, but I didn't even know who this man was.
Taina Brown she/hers (09:14.036)
That's-
Yeah.
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (09:23.752)
Yeah, I mean, I've heard of him years before because he had been on some tracks from some other like reggaeton artists from Puerto Rico. And so so I kind of knew he was like in and around the mix. But again, like you, I'm I'm old. just listen to the music that I mostly that I already know. And if it's not music that I already know, then it's like.
what the Spotify playlist curates for me. know, so, which is a lot of like either gamer type of music, which is good to listen to when I'm writing or like granola music.
Becky Mollenkamp (10:02.542)
That's what my son likes, you guys are alike. My kid loves gamer music.
Taina Brown she/hers (10:08.905)
It's so theatrical. It's perfect for writing or just like sad music. You know? Oh god, there's nothing like a good sad song.
Becky Mollenkamp (10:13.262)
It annoys me. I love sad music. That's my number one. Oh, I have a like, I need to cry. I can't recall I called it. Something like I need to cry. I'm whatever Spotify or Amazon. Yes, I love sad music. It's probably my favorite genre. And these music, the parts I heard anyway, of course, for Super Bowl performance, you're not going to do sad music, but they were not sad. was like move your body kind of music.
Taina Brown she/hers (10:24.21)
A crying playlist.
Taina Brown she/hers (10:31.9)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (10:40.038)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a playlist. I didn't create it, but I found it on Spotify and I saved it. And it's like sad music to listen to while you're reading fan fiction.
Becky Mollenkamp (10:53.26)
Wow, so I made a fuck ice playlist on Spotify and that felt specific but it's not as specific as that.
Taina Brown she/hers (11:02.012)
It's perfect because I read a lot of sad, or angsty, sad fan fiction. so I'm like, okay, I'm going to read this. That way I can just cry my eyes out and go to sleep. Anyway, speaking of fanfic, my messy thing this week is... God, I was up till after 8 a.m.
Becky Mollenkamp (11:24.866)
Taina, mean, how many times? How many times? I mean, feel like the listeners are rolling their eyes with me going like, and? You say it's like this news, but like the number of times we've done a podcast where you're like, I was up until four, I was up until five, whatever. It has been a little bit. A long time is debatable. think it depends on how you find long time. Okay. Well, yes. This is not a first is all I'm saying.
Taina Brown she/hers (11:27.141)
Hahahaha
Taina Brown she/hers (11:41.321)
haven't done this in a long time. Yeah, I haven't done this in a while. Well, it feels like a long time to me. And that's relative, I understand. But actually, actually the reason, the main reason why I was up so late is because I was actually writing last night. And so like I signed up for this fest in the fan fiction world. There's like fanfic fest that you can sign up for and there are prompts.
and you can pick a prompt and then it's like, it's a whole thing. There's a timeline. You have to write a piece before this due date and then you submit it and then it gets revealed. And it's like, it's a community thing, right? Where everyone's writing around similar themes or whatever. And so I have one that's due in a few weeks that I had started in January, but hadn't looked at it since then, like early January.
So was like, okay, I need to like finish this up. And I had left off with like, I think like 1700 words. And I finished just before 5 a.m. at like 5000 words. And I thought, was like, oh, this will be like a 3000 word fake. And then I wrote 2500 words of smut.
And let me preface this by saying like my writing process is really slow. Like I'm a really slow writer. Like half the time I'm like staring at my screen. And then the other half the time is like spent actually writing but also simultaneously like editing while I'm writing, which I know is not what you're supposed to do. I just can't help it.
Becky Mollenkamp (13:30.318)
Don't worry about what you're supposed to do.
Taina Brown she/hers (13:35.803)
especially
Becky Mollenkamp (13:36.01)
I've never, my writing, I write very different too. Like I always have and it drove people crazy in my journalism school. And I'm like, this is the way I have to write. You gotta write the way that works for your brain.
Taina Brown she/hers (13:46.446)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think it's really hard to just focus and hammer something out without stopping. And then when it comes to writing Smut, I enjoy reading Smut. I hate writing it. I absolutely hate writing it.
Becky Mollenkamp (14:13.058)
What viewpoint don't you like about writing it?
Taina Brown she/hers (14:16.583)
It's so technical. Like, where are the hands going? What are they doing with their tongues? How are they supposed to be breathing?
Becky Mollenkamp (14:19.884)
Becky Mollenkamp (14:29.528)
Feels like it shouldn't be technical though. Like that feels like it's the opposite of what the experience is supposed to be like. experience. I'm saying that when you're doing it, it shouldn't feel technical. Right? So it feels like the writing should like may not be, but I guess it has to be to make it feel that way, huh? I've heard actors talk about sex scenes when they do sex scenes in shows and movies and things and how incredibly technical it is. It's like, it's so choreographed like this to that, whatever. Make it look not.
Taina Brown she/hers (14:35.355)
Well, yeah, when you're reading it, you don't want it, or when you're, and when you're doing it, yeah, you don't want it to be technical.
Taina Brown she/hers (14:46.213)
It has to be choreographed.
Taina Brown she/hers (14:53.776)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Natural, yeah, because if not, you like, it's messy and then you'll have a reader who like, you'll have a scene where they go from like one movement or one configuration to the next and your reader has no idea how they got there, which interrupts, right, the experience for them. And so.
Becky Mollenkamp (15:02.508)
It's just messy.
Taina Brown she/hers (15:22.945)
I have had to resort to, and I've heard this from other fanfic writers too, to just watching porn to like figure out how to like choreograph something, which I'm not opposed to. I have no qualms about watching porn. But like I...
Becky Mollenkamp (15:42.99)
This may be too personal, but I know porn in many parts of the country anyway, it's getting harder to access, which I personally think is fantastic. Not because I'm anti-porn, but because I think the internet has made it way too accessible for people who shouldn't be watching things like my child. Not that that's happened, but, and the kinds of porn that you can see.
Taina Brown she/hers (15:58.254)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (16:05.936)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (16:07.05)
And the things given everything we've seen with Epstein, given the things that we know people are out there doing, like I think there needs to be some barriers to entry. However, know it's more challenging for people because you have to like prove identity and all kinds of things. And a lot of people are like, I don't really want my ID associated with site. But anyway, I know that there are also some like feminist porn sites and things too. So I'm curious if you're just hitting the internet and doing the regular stuff and if you're able to access that or
Taina Brown she/hers (16:16.516)
Yeah, that's all right.
Taina Brown she/hers (16:26.337)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (16:36.788)
access that or if you're like feminist kind of porn sites you don't have to share.
Taina Brown she/hers (16:41.126)
I'm I'm not. And here's the reason. I don't watch porn enough to invest in like a feminist take on porn. Yeah, they're not inexpensive, which they shouldn't be. I don't think that they should be inexpensive. Right. It's sex work. People should get paid well for it. People should get paid well for everything. Sex work, you know, not excluded from that. And so...
Becky Mollenkamp (16:48.716)
Yeah. I get it. They're not inexpensive.
Becky Mollenkamp (16:56.588)
No, because that's if you want to pay people like if we're not. Yes. Right.
Taina Brown she/hers (17:08.454)
But because I don't really watch porn regularly, and I'm really just looking for quick scenes that I can watch and customize to my liking, to fit what I'm working on. No, no, we absolutely cannot.
Becky Mollenkamp (17:18.146)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (17:25.75)
You could record yourselves. Nobody wants to watch themselves. I've never heard people who are like, I don't get it. I'm like, why would you want to watch anyway? Is that maybe that's just me?
Taina Brown she/hers (17:33.667)
We absolutely cannot.
Taina Brown she/hers (17:40.185)
like I yeah no no I'm that's that's not my thing
Becky Mollenkamp (17:42.862)
Well, we gotta be careful because I had a video taken down on YouTube before too much talk about these topics, even though there was nothing remotely explicit explicit. So YouTube, we're watching you and I know that you are playing games. It's ridiculous. And yet, the stuff that we're talking about, you can find that stuff everywhere, but talking about it. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (17:55.705)
Just censoring us, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I...
Taina Brown she/hers (18:05.291)
very easily, very easily. I literally have like at least three or four tabs open with like different, from different porn clips or whatever. Like if my wife were to come across this, she would definitely get the wrong idea. And I mean, it would be, I would be hard pressed to convince her it's for research. She wouldn't buy it for second.
Becky Mollenkamp (18:25.592)
Are you writing sex scenes that tend to be sapphic or not? is it more heterosex? What are you writing? I was worried, because that might give her the wrong idea. I know.
Taina Brown she/hers (18:33.677)
It's more hetero. It's more hetero. haven't... I mean, she knows I'm attracted to men. That's not news to her.
Becky Mollenkamp (18:44.482)
But if all your porn is hetero at some point that might raise some ques- maybe not. Then again, just how many women straight, quote unquote, straight women watch nothing but lesbian porn, so... yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (18:49.826)
Yeah.
Thank
There are lot of straight women who watch gay porn too, like it's a thing. I mean that's why heated rivalry is as popular as it is.
Becky Mollenkamp (18:59.598)
that is.
I mean, listen, mean, yeah, that's an experience I will never have, can't have, and I found it very hot. I mean, sure, but also I feel like was, to be fair to the show, I don't think they're watching it. I hope people aren't watching it only for the sex. It was also really emotional. I feel like a big part of it for me, the appeal for straight women.
Taina Brown she/hers (19:15.46)
I wish I could have it.
Taina Brown she/hers (19:26.72)
No, was also really, yeah, it was, it had some.
Becky Mollenkamp (19:31.926)
is the idea that there are men who can be emotional. like, right, I think women who are attracted to men against our better judgment are often just like, please tell me that there are men that are able to like, like, just don't think straight men understand. that heterosexual women, like, we want that. We want an emotional man. Like, that's not a bad thing. Look, I mean, look, again, I think that popularity of that is a big part of the proof of it.
Taina Brown she/hers (19:36.194)
Who can yearn like that? Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (19:47.118)
feel.
Taina Brown she/hers (19:57.944)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (20:01.443)
Yeah, yeah, no, no, it's totally fine. It's totally fine. It's off topic, but related. Yeah, anyway, so yeah, got through the smut scene. I haven't quite dived into non-heteros scenes yet, but I do plan on doing that. But then like after...
Becky Mollenkamp (20:01.654)
Anyway, sorry, that was off topic.
Becky Mollenkamp (20:20.076)
Who's Hermione gonna have sex with? Are you still writing only Harry Potter fanfic?
Taina Brown she/hers (20:22.756)
Who do you think?
Taina Brown she/hers (20:26.73)
Yeah, yeah, I can't, I don't have the emotional or mental bandwidth to venture into another fandom. Like the way, the way I've been hyper fixated on, on Harry Potter fanfic, like I will ruin my life if I try.
Becky Mollenkamp (20:33.294)
interesting.
Becky Mollenkamp (20:41.004)
I just would think at some point you would get like, okay, I feel like I've, we've explored every configuration, every scenario, like wouldn't it be time to move on to some characters but you're like.
Taina Brown she/hers (20:48.709)
No, no, there's so much. There's hundreds of thousands of already published.
Becky Mollenkamp (20:54.764)
It's just amazing. Just amazing.
Taina Brown she/hers (20:56.767)
Hermione plus Draco fanfic. Just that, just that pairing. Hundreds of thousands. Anyway, so after I finished the scene, which I'm actually quite proud of, I can't wait for people to read it. I was on a Discord server and someone was recommending this fake and I was like, just take a quick peek at the first chapter to see if I like it. And I just like.
Becky Mollenkamp (21:00.855)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (21:25.87)
kept reading until I finished it. That's why I was up till eight. by then I was like, I mean, I knew this, but it's also just like fresh. Cause I'm just like, I have a fucking problem. Like I just cannot say no to myself sometimes. an aside of...
Becky Mollenkamp (21:49.086)
Even while you know you're actively making a bad decision, especially around sleep, I can relate to this so hardcore, Taina, and I don't know what that is. Because I will lay there and I'll be like, know that if I could just, if I just set my phone down and I just.
Taina Brown she/hers (21:51.361)
Yes!
Becky Mollenkamp (22:01.44)
It's the discomfort, I think is what it is. I'll be like, I know if I just put all this away, I could just, like, I could lay there until eventually I would fall asleep. But I can't stand the just laying there until I eventually fall asleep. And so then I keep making choices that I know are not great choices to be sitting here reading something or playing something or whatever I'm doing. Last night, I was working on my book, so similar to you, and like, kept thinking, OK, just go to sleep. Like, was feeling, I didn't feel good. I felt tired and like,
Taina Brown she/hers (22:12.77)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (22:18.147)
Hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (22:30.166)
Hmm.
Becky Mollenkamp (22:30.926)
And I'm like, why am I torturing myself this way? But then I'm like, but I'm so excited about this thing I'm doing I don't want to stop and it's like it'll still be the warning but Why do we this?
Taina Brown she/hers (22:37.121)
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't want to stop writing halfway through the smut scene because I feel like with writing in general, like once you hit a stride, like you kind of don't want to stop because you don't want to lose that. I think especially when it, for me anyway, when it comes to writing something like smut, it's like if I stop halfway through and be like, I'll just pick it back up tomorrow, lost, completely lost. Like there's no way.
Becky Mollenkamp (22:46.53)
Yeah, but really.
Becky Mollenkamp (22:51.927)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (23:03.646)
kind of like it's like sex itself you can't just be like well put a pin in this and come back to it.
Taina Brown she/hers (23:06.851)
Yeah, yes, exactly. No, then it's a whole new experience and I feel like I have to start over.
Becky Mollenkamp (23:12.852)
But why the reading though? You could have put a pin on the reading. What made you go like
Taina Brown she/hers (23:16.459)
I could have put a pin on the reading. I could have. It was an epistolary fic, which I am just a sucker for. Letters, it's told through letters. And so I just couldn't help myself. like I said at the beginning, I haven't quite done this in a, for me it feels like in a long time. So I feel like I'm making some progress.
Becky Mollenkamp (23:24.621)
What's that?
Becky Mollenkamp (23:28.483)
I should know that, but I didn't.
Taina Brown she/hers (23:46.476)
But I feel like there's a part of me that's like, almost like my inner child is like, no, I'm going to stay up as fucking late as I want and just do whatever I want, you know? Like, there's like that spiteful rebellious side of myself that just...
Becky Mollenkamp (23:56.43)
Mm-hmm. I get that. Yeah. What do they call that, like, revenge insomnia? It's not the right word. There's some term for that, where you stay awake. Yeah. And I definitely do it. And it's like, you shoot yourself in the foot, because you're sort of like, it's that, fuck you, I won't do what you tell me kind of feeling. Except the person you're saying, fuck you, the person you're harming in the fuck you is you. And it's like, and I've felt it way more since having a kid.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:03.746)
I've heard that.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:11.008)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:19.359)
is yourself. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (24:25.378)
And I think that is because I feel like I don't get much time. Like, it doesn't feel like I have enough time that's my time. And so like at night when my kids are asleep, I'm like, this can be my time. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm, I don't, I'm gonna be tired. Like what am I doing? And yet I'm still like, fuck you, I want some time. And then I'm like the next morning I go.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:34.751)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:41.767)
It's my time! Nobody can take it away from me!
Becky Mollenkamp (24:44.716)
My kid's up at six and I'm like, why the fuck did I do that to myself? Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:47.477)
yeah. you will prime my time away from my cold hard dead hands. whatever.
Becky Mollenkamp (24:52.558)
Which by the way, staying up all that time is gonna make that cold art hit you That hands comes to exactly.
Taina Brown she/hers (24:57.154)
Yes, come faster. Yes, yeah. Yeah, and there's also a part of me that I think maybe it's a little bit of FOMO. Like, there's so, like, I don't wanna, I just wanna keep reading. Like, I just wanna be, keep consuming the stories. Like, there's so many good stories out there that a part of me is like, I just, wish I had more time in the day to just read more. Like, I just want to just.
keep reading because it's so good and it's such a...
I don't know, it just, for people who love reading, like...
Becky Mollenkamp (25:37.238)
I understand. I feel the same way. I've been consuming so many books. I feel like it also, and things like crafts or hobbies or projects, I think when you get into them, it's like, this feels so good. then when you have like, when you get a stretch of time, like sometimes on, like this last weekend, my dog was...
had an injury and so and I'm currently also for anyone watching I'll show real quickly there she is in her little our little space confined space so I'm sitting here with her I remove one of the sides and sit right next to him pet her most of the time which is so sad my body is so sore from sitting on the ground and laying on the ground but anyway I've been sort of stuck in this little area and
Taina Brown she/hers (26:03.051)
Poor baby.
Becky Mollenkamp (26:20.494)
I've had a lot more time to do things like crafting, like doing some of my embroidery projects or working on my book or just things that excite me reading. And when you have a stretch where you get to do like a lot of that and not and feel like a permission slip to not be working and stuff, you get a taste of that sweet, sweet life and you start going like, oh, like what would it take to make this my reality? And there's the mess.
Taina Brown she/hers (26:34.344)
Mmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (26:43.558)
Yeah. How can I be a lady of leisure?
Becky Mollenkamp (26:46.73)
Exactly, but we live inside of capitalism and I can't, like there is that, those are the moments where I understand the appeal of if I could just amass wealth, then I would be able to do the, like this is what my life could look like all the time. I don't want to amass, like I don't want to hoard wealth, but I do understand like, it sure would be nice to not have to do the stuff that feels more like labor.
Taina Brown she/hers (27:06.526)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (27:10.939)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It's a bit of escapism that I think in some ways is healthy, but obviously there's a line before it becomes unhealthy. So I mean, all that to say, outside of just keeping my phone in another room, which I don't, I usually read off my phone. I've started to mostly keep my iPad in another room because
I was reading, I usually read on my iPad, but my iPad and my iPhone are connected to the cloud. So I have the same EPUBs, the same access on my phone that I do on my iPad. outside of keeping my phone in another room as well, which I just don't see myself doing. I, that's where, that's where I have like my,
Becky Mollenkamp (28:01.144)
I can't either, I know it's to do that but-
Taina Brown she/hers (28:06.77)
my alarms, like my sleeping playlist, like there's too many other things on it that I need by my bedside. Like I'm just, I'm just reluctant to do the self-parenting work that it takes to.
Becky Mollenkamp (28:23.79)
It would be that you're not giving yourself the permission to do enough of this stuff during quote unquote working hours and that if you gave yourself more permission in those times then you wouldn't feel like you have to do it late at night.
Taina Brown she/hers (28:36.979)
Becky, I started writing last night at 9 p.m.
Becky Mollenkamp (28:40.3)
Yeah, why are you writing? Why is it all happening so late? Is that just what works for you or?
Taina Brown she/hers (28:45.471)
Because I have to take frequent breaks during the day. like, even if I try to write while it's still light out.
Taina Brown she/hers (28:57.674)
There's just too many daytime responsibilities, right? Like there's like emails, there's meals, there's errands, there's doctor's appointments. so it doesn't really, it's not really conducive to like, allowing myself to just kind of get into that creative mindset because, so again, like I started, I sat down to write at nine. It usually takes me at least an hour or two to like,
actually start writing because the process is looking over what I've already written, thinking through, like just getting lost in my head about like where it's going, doing a little bit of research. Like it just, takes me that long to just shift my brain from like one mode to the other. So if I tried to do that during the day, then that's like, that feels like a lot of time wasted.
a lot of productive time wasting.
Becky Mollenkamp (29:58.85)
Well, then you just have to schedule time for sleep during the day. I don't know, because you can't go without sleep.
Taina Brown she/hers (30:06.855)
I can't for sure. can't I do take naps occasionally during the day when I need to when I don't feel rested enough or if I'm not feeling well.
Yeah, I think know what? I think the bottom line for me right now is just
Taina Brown she/hers (30:27.06)
I hate, I just really hate that I'm just not able to give my attention to the things that I really want to give my attention to.
Becky Mollenkamp (30:33.326)
Yeah, it's so it just sucks doesn't it?
Taina Brown she/hers (30:38.151)
Yeah, I hate that we're forced to labor and toil inside of a system that doesn't reward the majority of the people who labor and toil adequately.
Becky Mollenkamp (30:51.106)
Well, and that we only deem certain things worthy of recompense, right? Like, it's not that you're not.
Taina Brown she/hers (30:58.802)
Yes, yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (31:03.8)
What you're doing in the evening is also labor. It just isn't in the way of, it doesn't feel good, like you're not what brings you joy. And yet the reality is, it's just not a space that's gonna pay money, make you big money. Like you don't get rich writing fanfic from what I understand. Yeah, you could eventually transition into writing your own stuff that could, but the truth is, being a rich author is not, it's not easy.
Taina Brown she/hers (31:06.302)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (31:20.357)
You can't make any money off of it, it's illegal.
Taina Brown she/hers (31:32.273)
Most authors are not rich.
Becky Mollenkamp (31:34.414)
Right, that's a bit, the J.K. Rowling's, the billionaire haunters, that's like three, maybe like, I don't know, Stephen King and J.K. Rowling and I mean, maybe there's a, know, Michael Crayton, I don't know, but like those, that's a rarefied air and you have to, they have to, they're optioned to make movies and all, like there's just so much that goes into that. And that is the funnel towards that. there's just people like all the way, there's, who make no money is down here, the biggest part of that funnel. And then the ones that actually make lots of money is very small. So like, but.
Taina Brown she/hers (31:55.644)
Yeah. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (32:03.406)
But the thing that's annoying about it is not only does it bring you joy, it brings other people joy to read it, right? And so that's hard. It's like, why can't the things that bring us joy, like my...
Taina Brown she/hers (32:18.229)
Why can't that be enough?
Becky Mollenkamp (32:20.086)
Yeah, my embroidery stuff, like it's silly. Like I just miss it as being silly, but it brings me joy. Like it's a hand project. It's something I create something by the end of it. I just made a key chain. can't. It's wait, hold on for people looking on the camera. So I went to a miniature now and this was like I did it all by myself without a pattern or anything. Let me see if I can get close to the camera. My little bee. It's tiny. It's a little tiny embroidery thing. But anyway, so like it's a cute little thing.
Taina Brown she/hers (32:22.578)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (32:41.947)
my gosh, that's so cute.
Becky Mollenkamp (32:49.854)
It gives me something to do. I enjoy it. great. But I could give them away to people. don't want to monetize it, right? And yet, like, I'm going to have all this shit because I'm making it. Like, what am going to do with it? So I would be thrilled to give things like that away or whatever. And that feels like it's still valid work, right? Like, if it's something that when I share it, people say, like, it gives them an emotional reaction. Even if it's a blip, it's just like a little moment in the day of like,
Taina Brown she/hers (33:11.185)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (33:17.597)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Becky Mollenkamp (33:18.842)
that's cute. I like that. that's nice. Or if you give it to somebody. But why do I have to monetize it in order for that work to feel valid? Like even myself, I still dismiss it of like, my like, it's silly thing I do. And kind of like, I'm sure to some degree how you feel about writing fanfic. It's like, this thing I do. Because quote unquote hobby, it doesn't pay. So it's not real. And we have to stuff it into our days somewhere because we have to do this. It is quote unquote real. But
Taina Brown she/hers (33:43.1)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (33:47.818)
The stuff still brings joy to people. Like joy should be something that should be like compensated. I don't know. I saw something. Where was it? Somewhere in Europe. Was it Finland? Norway? There was somewhere where there had to be one of those part, that part of the world because they're the most progressive folks on the planet. Yeah. And they were, they're doing some sort of like artist program basically where they're just going to pay artists to just create art.
Taina Brown she/hers (33:49.98)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:07.055)
Yeah, the Nordic countries.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:16.412)
Mm.
Becky Mollenkamp (34:16.856)
That's it. Like they just get to create their art all day and and have a living wage, have a living, have enough money to survive. Like I'm not expecting to get rich, but it sure would be nice if the things I enjoy doing could like not have to fall into the other hours, right? Or have to somehow have to justify them. And it's, you know, say like these things also are important and valid and bring joy to other people or whatever.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:31.43)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:39.43)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (34:46.732)
Anyway, I might be rambling, but I just, it's, I don't know. It's frustrating that the way we ourselves set up feels so.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:50.789)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:54.384)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (34:56.878)
It just feels inhumane.
Taina Brown she/hers (34:59.17)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's definitely, yeah, it is, it's definitely not set up.
everyone to be able to thrive in the way that is best suited for them. Like it's set up to
Taina Brown she/hers (35:19.012)
you know, a certain small number of people super wealthy and completely in power. Yeah, so... Well, fuck.
Becky Mollenkamp (35:35.054)
Well, I'll piggyback on that in a way with my mess. And if my husband listens to this, love you. And not a but.
Taina Brown she/hers (35:42.236)
you
Becky Mollenkamp (35:43.673)
So as I said, my dog, has, we think she has some sort of, I don't remember the official diagnosis, but basically like a slip disc that she's a long-bodied dog. We think she's probably part dachshund, possibly. She's definitely a terrier or something, but we think maybe dachshund. So she's a long-bodied dog. Long-bodied dogs often end up having back issues. We didn't know what she was when we got her as a puppy at the shelter. If I'd known she was going be a long-bodied dog, I might've thought twice because I've never wanted a dachshund for that reason, because they're notorious for having really bad back problems that can be
It's actually expensive. She suddenly, she's not even four. So this is a baby. She suddenly started having really bad back pain and I had to take her, I'll cut through all of it, but I was the emergency vet from two in the morning until seven in the morning one night. And then had to go to the neurology, the pet neurology people opened up just to see her.
Taina Brown she/hers (36:15.324)
Hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (36:19.78)
No
Taina Brown she/hers (36:31.1)
Mm.
Becky Mollenkamp (36:39.466)
amazing humans. there are talk about people who don't get paid enough. People working in veterinary care do not get paid nearly enough for because and I understand it because it's so hard to justify like, my God, when they're talking to me about $9,000 surgery for my dog, I'm like, but but but what like I don't where does that come from? I mean, I would do anything because my son has had enough losses in the last year. I am not I will do anything to prevent him from having to have this loss.
Taina Brown she/hers (36:43.459)
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (36:57.839)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (37:07.291)
Mm-hmm.
Becky Mollenkamp (37:08.852)
I would mortgage the house to the tilt. would get another credit card. I'll do whatever I have to do, right? So I was like, if I gotta pay the 9,000, I guess I'm paying the 9,000. Thankfully, we able to handle it through medication. So she's got like a slip disc thing. All these people are amazing. Before I get to the husband part, I do wanna say just on the care work.
at the emergency vet, the coolest experience was they have that place was it's a wild place you go you're in like the you're in the mix the heart of it like they don't put you in a waiting room they bring you back into the space. I watched two different surgeries one dog with like the head broken leg or something that they set while I was there and another one that had gotten into a fight and had like a abscess on its face that they had to hear. I saw I mean I saw all the dogs doing all the things it was just wild. Cool because
Taina Brown she/hers (37:27.963)
Okay.
Taina Brown she/hers (37:40.923)
Hmm
Taina Brown she/hers (37:48.299)
Taina Brown she/hers (37:54.126)
Mm-hmm.
Becky Mollenkamp (37:56.023)
I had my phone was like almost dead so I couldn't sit on my phone. was there for five hours with my dog just sitting in a chair. And so I was just watching everything going on. I was like, why didn't I bring my embroidery stuff? But they had so many people working probably seven and this was the middle of the night. All of them were women. All of them.
Taina Brown she/hers (38:10.459)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (38:15.759)
Yeah, yeah, we've been there.
Becky Mollenkamp (38:18.114)
It was also pretty queer coded, which was awesome. I mean, they had a whole lot of like rainbow stuff going on. Many of the people working there presented as visibly queer. was like, and I saw a comment to the one woman came over and I was like, it's all women. She's like, yeah, we have a lot of women that work here. We do have some men, but I said, well, I love it. was like, I feel like it was amazing what it did to my nervous system. Like I know.
Taina Brown she/hers (38:20.389)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (38:40.443)
Mm.
Becky Mollenkamp (38:43.104)
the difference being in that space and recognizing there are no men working here. I'm not going to have to have a male doctor. Yeah, come up and question me or or talk down to me or be cold, you know, and like
Taina Brown she/hers (38:49.679)
Your body knows.
Taina Brown she/hers (38:57.125)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (38:58.464)
Everyone was caring, everyone was kind. The doctor got on the floor with my dog and with me and like, I cried of course, she, like everyone, they just couldn't have been nicer. It's not to say that a man can't do that, but my body knew, right? I think we talked about this before too, where our bodies, like you, it's amazing what that difference is where you're like, I feel safe in this space. It goes a long way when you're at a.
spot in your life where it's you're emotionally challenged. So I was so grateful. Anyway, she said about well, this is a pretty woman dominated industry. I was like, yeah, it's because you guys do care work, which we don't pay for in America. And she was like, well, you said it. And I was like, yep. So anyway, that was cool. So my dog has needed a lot of I believe my dog has needed a lot of attention. Right? She is confined to a small space while she's healing. She's not allowed. I have to pick her up.
Taina Brown she/hers (39:33.387)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (39:49.693)
and
Becky Mollenkamp (39:50.638)
take her out to go to the bathroom, set her down. She's not allowed to go up and down off of anything. She's not supposed to be doing much walking. She doesn't want to even if she could because she's in pain. She is a very active dog normally. She is a young dog. You know, she is a very affectionate dog. So this is a I am projecting, but I am believing because I believe dogs have feelings. I believe that dogs.
Taina Brown she/hers (39:57.868)
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (40:16.868)
Mm-hmm.
Becky Mollenkamp (40:18.336)
you know, experience emotions. And so I believe that this is probably very hard for her this time. This has got to be a really hard time. I thinking of myself, if I were in that same position, couldn't leave the bed basically for two or like, we've been told at least two weeks, it might even be a month of having almost no. So two weeks for sure. She's like minimum two weeks of having to just lay in bed, having people having to take care of you, right? And being a dog came and scroll my phone. you know,
Taina Brown she/hers (40:33.813)
Yeah. wow.
Becky Mollenkamp (40:47.766)
So I'm feeling a lot of empathy for this dog. My husband who I love fairly does not have, he's not wired in that same way. Like he comes and he says hi and love you and he pets her and all that. But he's also perfectly content to let her just be in her crate or in her confined area. Let's go do something. We'll leave her home. It's kind of like this, she can't do anything. Where's she gonna go? What's she gonna do? I'm on this board of like,
Taina Brown she/hers (41:12.323)
Yeah, yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (41:15.362)
I don't wanna leave her more than 15 minutes if I don't have to. Like I take my son to school, I come back and I'm right back here with her. I'm sitting by her, I'm petting her, I'm music, classical music for her. I put the AKC dog show on for her to watch when she's a little more alert. Like I am in it and he is wired so differently and I just feel like it's given me that reminder of.
of care work and lay emotional labor and how it's to fall on women. And I don't know how we are conditioned and or just if you are a person who has more estrogen in your body, if that or less testosterone, if that makes a difference in the emotional side of you, I don't know, you know, for sure. But whatever it is, I just know that we tend to assign care work more towards women.
and or women on more of that work in our homes with our kids, but also with down to like with pets and that it doesn't seem to be valued. Again, I love you, hubby. I don't think he sees this time because he had made a couple of comments like, well, you're just laying around, right? And I am, but I am working while I'm with her or I'm doing my, I'm doing projects when I'm with her. But I also feel like the emotional drain and strain that I've had over these last few days, I mean,
Taina Brown she/hers (42:11.885)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (42:31.682)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (42:37.849)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (42:39.086)
especially when I was taking her to her appointments at one point thinking she was paralyzed and like worrying about again, $9,000. Even me are we gonna have put her down the amount of crying I did over 48 hours. And then since then the amount of just like, feeling her pain and being with her. I'm I'm a empath. I just am. And I can't change that about myself. And I don't feel like that should be like I think that I would love for it to be seen as more of a gift for people who are watching.
Taina Brown she/hers (42:45.433)
Yeah. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (43:05.89)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (43:07.084)
way and not like a detriment. And I love my partner. We are wired a little differently in these things. there is a real difference on who does the work and how it's valued, right? Like to see that this is I'm carrying an emotional load. And I think in my husband's mind, he's not. So if I am, it's almost like it's my choice that I am. And so
Taina Brown she/hers (43:09.238)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (43:29.688)
Mm.
Becky Mollenkamp (43:31.17)
That's on you. You know what I mean? And he's trying hard. Again, he's trying very hard to understand. He tries to, even if he can't understand, he's trying to show up correctly, right? And be like, get it, it's fine, whatever. But I know that in there is still all his own conditioning and messaging around like, she's making those choices. She's doing it because she wants to, whatever. So it's just been really, it's been really hard. And for me to navigate it myself of like canceling a few appointments and work, canceling stuff, modifying my schedule and.
Taina Brown she/hers (43:32.534)
Yeah. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (43:39.691)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (44:01.294)
some of the guilt that's coming up around that, but then also being like, but you know what? I want to honor that this is that I am an empath and that that is a beautiful thing in so many ways. And it's I notice my own internal battles with that of like the world around me doesn't feel like it necessarily appreciates that about me. And it feels hard to appreciate it in my. So that's been my last few days.
Taina Brown she/hers (44:11.553)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (44:20.34)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. I know. I know when you texted me, I was like, gosh, I hope Hazel is going to be okay. Because one, like when you have a pet, like it's hard to see them suffer, you know, like they're part of your family and you want them, you want them to be well. And, you know, as you know, like we had to put both our dogs down last year. And I think
Becky Mollenkamp (44:48.579)
I know.
Taina Brown she/hers (44:50.283)
After a while you forget that you will outlive your dogs or your pets in general, that they don't live as long as you do.
Becky Mollenkamp (44:56.43)
No. Right, hopefully not. Hopefully you're gonna love them. not, they don't, those kind of life stands, so.
Taina Brown she/hers (44:59.975)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, their lifespan is shorter and I think that kind of gets forgotten and so when...
Becky Mollenkamp (45:10.734)
It gets real forgotten when you get a new pet, because you're so caught up in the excitement and the cuteness and all of that. And then at some point you realize, like in these moments, you realize, I voluntarily chose grief. Yeah, because you are choosing to grieve when you get a pet, unless you for some reason, go before them, which let's hope not, right? I mean, again, you want them to go before you because you want to live a longer life than a pet should. like, exactly, but it's like, this is the only
Taina Brown she/hers (45:13.398)
You
Taina Brown she/hers (45:22.283)
to put myself through this suffering, yes.
Taina Brown she/hers (45:29.759)
Yeah. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (45:35.272)
But you also don't want to lose them.
Becky Mollenkamp (45:39.564)
part of our lives where we actively choose, choose grief, to introduce grief into our lives. Like, yep, I'm signing up for that. I'm signing up for this death. Like, it's awful. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (45:40.459)
Yeah. was grief. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (45:49.653)
Yeah, it is, it is. And you, the way that you care for Hazel, actually, it reminds me a lot of Mellow. And so I loved, yeah, I loved our dogs so much, but she, you know, as my ability to like care for other people and creatures like has diminished over the past few years, like she,
Becky Mollenkamp (46:00.246)
I that's what I are like, by the way.
Taina Brown she/hers (46:17.848)
definitely took on the role of like the primary caretaker of the dogs. And she is way more sensitive than I am. And so she's just has like a highly sensitive personality. And so every little thing as she was always wanting to take the dogs to the vets and there was like, there were like, and I'm the person and I'm like, I'll go live, it'll be okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (46:43.212)
Okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (46:46.764)
My husband's like, let's give it a day. Or even, can we give it six hours? Like, let's just see. Same with my son. It's the same with my son. It's less so now as he gets older and can communicate. But when he was a baby, which is a similar experience to a dog where they can't communicate with you, you don't know that. And so I used to be the same way when he was a baby. Every sniffle, I'm like, my God, we have to go. Let's go to ER. And he'd be like, slow your roll. Let's give it a few hours. Let's check.
Taina Brown she/hers (46:51.324)
Yeah, yeah, let's just wait and see. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (47:02.583)
Communicate, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (47:08.363)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (47:13.326)
And my mind is always like, you just don't want to spend the money, right? And part of it I think is that, but also, yeah, right. Healthcare for animals and or humans is outrageous. So yeah, and I think, but part of it is also, he just is a little more, I don't want to say sane than me, but he's wired differently where he's less, he's less guided by emotions.
Taina Brown she/hers (47:16.267)
Yeah. Part of that is true, because it's fucking expensive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (47:33.355)
He's less anxious.
Becky Mollenkamp (47:37.484)
He's more guided by logic and reason. Not that he's not, I he is able to be emotional and he loves on the floor. I know he loves his dog, I see it, he shows it. Same with our kid. But he is also able to, he can, in those moments when he is feeling emotional, he's able to sort of set it aside in a way that I struggle to do. Where I'm like, the emotions take over and they are guiding everything. Like emotions are in charge. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (47:39.925)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (47:54.007)
Mm-mm.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was like that. Her anxiety is just, it would get off the charts. I, at that point, it became less about caring for the dogs on my end and more about caring for her and making sure that like her emotions were tended to and that she wasn't like on the brink of spiraling out over something that we didn't even know if it was real or not. And so.
Becky Mollenkamp (48:15.874)
with.
Becky Mollenkamp (48:23.264)
Okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (48:27.884)
This is good. Thank you for providing this perspective because I can, again, centering myself as we tend to do in our own experiences of life. Yeah, well, no, in our own, like in my own life, I'm centering myself in this relationship with my husband and I in this moment and thinking my labor is going unnoticed or uncared for. And at the same time, I'm hearing what you're saying. he's probably, he is, I shouldn't say probably, he's carrying a different
Taina Brown she/hers (48:35.675)
It's our show. We can do that.
Becky Mollenkamp (48:57.45)
emotional labor than mine, his is managing me. And I'm not giving any credit towards that. And that is valid too. That is valid work that he's had because he is, he does have to do a lot of that. There is a lot of calming me down, listening to my rants, the amount of texts he's gotten from me in the last two days while he's at work is probably like overwhelming to him. So
Taina Brown she/hers (49:03.006)
Hahaha
Taina Brown she/hers (49:22.069)
You
Becky Mollenkamp (49:26.196)
I need to honor that, that yes, I am carrying an emotional weight, but he is too, it just looks different. And I think it's because I want, my story is he should be carrying the same emotional weight I am, right? Like his emotional burden right now should look the same as mine, because that's the one I'm feeling so acutely, that I can see that his looks different, but it's also there. So thank you.
Taina Brown she/hers (49:34.932)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (49:45.929)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (49:50.089)
Yeah, yeah. He also has a different relationship with Hazel than you do.
Becky Mollenkamp (49:56.386)
Yeah, but you know, that's true. in this case, would say like, I honestly fully honor the fact that he loves her. Like, and I see them, even though from the beginning he was like, I don't want a dog. And he's like, I don't get this dog out of here. There came a moment when I had, had a come to Jesus moment where I was like, you need to stop because your son now loves this dog. So you're not getting rid of this dog. So I said, unless you want to like break your son's heart, you need to get over this and start figuring out how to love the dog. And that.
Taina Brown she/hers (50:02.217)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (50:14.975)
Yeah. Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (50:21.045)
It's time to accept it.
Becky Mollenkamp (50:23.286)
And it changed everything and that was maybe six months old or something at that point. He had a few months of being grumpy about it. Since then, I mean, these two, he's the one who throws the frizz before her every day when he comes home. She jumps up on him, is so excited. They have a whole little song and dance thing they do. Like I know there's no amount of me saying he doesn't care about her or even as much as I care about her. It's just that his responses are different. He's also able to...
Taina Brown she/hers (50:42.514)
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (50:48.041)
Yeah. Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (50:49.91)
sort of put the caring here in this box, but also have this other box where he's like, and let me do the logical reasoning around the doctor said she's gonna be okay, she needs her rest, me sitting by her isn't gonna change anything, she just needs the rest, whatever. Like he can be more logical where I'm like, I only have the one box, which is the emotional box. Have you seen Inside Out? I do, that is true more than anyone else in our family, I do, but have you seen Inside Out 2?
Taina Brown she/hers (50:57.621)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (51:09.223)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You also spent more time with her because you work from home. Yeah, yeah.
No, not yet.
Becky Mollenkamp (51:21.262)
Okay, well, you and Melo need to see it because I saw it and almost cried. Like, I had tears in my eyes. And I loved the first one, and it was so great with a child. It was so helpful when he was little to help him be able to name emotions and talk about what was going on. It was so great. I just, I can't say enough about how much I love that movie. Also, Soul, because of grief and death, has been incredibly helpful in our family as well with my son. But Inside Out 1 was great, but it was the basic, like, five emotions.
Taina Brown she/hers (51:29.523)
Yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (51:35.732)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (51:43.22)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (51:49.767)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (51:50.166)
Inside out too, adds these new emotions, but the thing that I love is it has this depiction of anxiety. So the major emotion that I belong at this end, because it's sort of this girl who's like a tween becoming a teen. And so anxiety becomes this whole new thing that I hadn't experienced before and introduced into her hormonal system and whatever. I have never seen, and I know it's a cartoon, but I have never seen a better representation of what exists inside of my head. Like I was watching.
Taina Brown she/hers (51:55.508)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (52:17.523)
Hmm
Becky Mollenkamp (52:18.926)
I feel like I get emotional now. I'm like, feel so mean. feel so seen. feel like I can, if somebody ever wants to know what is anxiety like or what is, why is this like when my husband can't quite get it and doesn't understand the emotional takeover and the panic and the worry and the like, I'm like, just watch that movie because that is literally what it feels like. The scene where anxiety takes over the control pad. So like there's this control, the thing controlling what emotions in control at the moment.
Taina Brown she/hers (52:21.852)
I see you validated.
Becky Mollenkamp (52:49.582)
I was like, my God, that is what it feels like in my life. Like, 95 % of my existence is just that part of like that being at the controls and what that's like and how hard it is. But what I love too is it does a great job of helping to explain why it's not all bad and like that in its own way, it's trying to protect you and help you, right? Sometimes it goes too far. It doesn't do it in the healthiest ways.
Taina Brown she/hers (53:07.219)
Hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (53:12.114)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (53:17.366)
It's just such a beautiful representation of anxiety. So Mellow should watch it and you should watch it. And then you two could talk about, I would love to hear what Mellow thinks of it because I was just like calling my son. Like I was almost crying. I was like, buddy, that's, that's like, that's what mom goes. That's my, that's my life. That's cause he knows I have anxiety and that's what it feels like. It was just so nice for him to be able to see that and to be able to understand me. So yeah, anxiety is the kind of the name of the game for me.
Taina Brown she/hers (53:25.075)
you
Taina Brown she/hers (53:32.925)
Hmm. Hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (53:44.977)
Yeah. Well, he's going to be okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (53:47.594)
Dochi's a lesbian. Speaking of anxiety, don't know if you saw that news. You know that song that Dochi, the one who does anxiety that dwap. That's my impersonation of the anxiety song. It's my anxiety dwap. You know that one. Anyway, yeah, she just came up. She just came up. Okay, that's bringing it back to some timely news. Dochi's a lesbian. Now I'm gonna feel really if it wasn't Dochi, but I'm 90 % sure it was Dochi that I saw the news with.
Taina Brown she/hers (53:51.549)
Who's a lesbian?
Taina Brown she/hers (53:56.125)
really, I didn't know that.
Taina Brown she/hers (54:02.055)
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (54:15.644)
Okay.
Becky Mollenkamp (54:17.11)
I think that's who it was. Anyway, all right, well, I'm going to walk away from today, by the way, as much as I don't like it. You sometimes you don't like it's helpful to have somebody help you see something in a different way. And then also, I'm like, fuck you. Now I have to be like, all right, my husband is carrying some emotional labor here, But it is helpful to have that repositioning or that reframing of that. So thank you.
Taina Brown she/hers (54:40.627)
Yeah, yeah, you're welcome. I am gonna walk away. I need to, I feel like I need to just self-parent a little bit better.
Becky Mollenkamp (54:44.684)
You don't have to walk away.
Becky Mollenkamp (54:55.756)
Yeah, I think we just need to find ways to better honor that our quote unquote hobbies or non-paying things deserve more prominent space or better protection in our lives. Because by saying it to the very end of the night, like I get all the reasons that you're saying it happens and yet it's not really honoring it for yourself. So like, does it look like? What changes can you find? What can you do?
Taina Brown she/hers (55:04.293)
Mm-hmm.
Taina Brown she/hers (55:10.192)
Yeah, yeah.
Taina Brown she/hers (55:19.441)
Yeah.
Becky Mollenkamp (55:23.884)
to make it something that you're honoring more. Because you're not honoring it for yourself by making it something that you push off to the evening and then it comes at the expense of your health.
Taina Brown she/hers (55:33.552)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven't been to my writing group, my in-person writing group in a few weeks, because it's been too fucking cold to leave the house, but it's starting to warm up a little bit. So I think once I can get back to like doing that on a weekly basis, that'll definitely help.
Becky Mollenkamp (55:54.254)
All right, well, everyone have a lovely February.