Starting over after a 27-year-long marriage with divorce advisor Jason Scriven

Divorce can blow up our lives -- but it can also be a massive opportunity to start over and build something new and amazing.

Our guest today wants newly separated or divorced parents to know is that the best part of your life is ahead of you.

In 2021 Jason Scriven's 27-year marriage ended in divorce, he moved in with his parents, lost his job, and had no car... all within the span of three months.

Anyone would say it was a brutal year.

Jason found his way through it. Figured out who he wanted to be, re-thought his career, and found a completely new path.

A year and a half later, we think you'll be inspired by where's he is now with his life.

Jason now advises people on how to thrive, not just survive after separation or divorce. He learned the hard way, but you don't have to.

Listen in and leave a review if you enjoy the show. That's what helps us grow.

Find out Jason's best tips and hear his story: 

• 07:24 How to prioritize self-care during difficult life transitions like divorce. 
• 11:20 When to lean on your support system for both practical and emotional support. 
• 14:20 Building trust with your children through upheaval. 
• 26:24 Focusing on growth over material things or past resentments. 
• 38:40 Accepting that you can't control the changes happening -- and what you can control instead.

To connect with Jason & for this episode's show notes, head to: https://singleandmighty.com/starting-over-divorce-coach-jason-scriven/

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Thanks for listening!

Creators & Guests

Host

Carmel Ecker

Co-host of Single & Mighty

Host

Lindsay Carlson

Co-host of Single & Mighty

What is Single & Mighty: Build a great life after divorce or separation?

You can build a powerful (and fun!) life after divorce or separation. Hosts Carmel Ecker and Lindsay Carlson are here to bring you real-life stories and hard-earned lessons, so you can have the motivation, clarity and community you need to thrive as a single parent. Whether you're co-parenting, parenting alone, or your kids no longer live at home -- this show is for you.

For single moms, single dads, single parents, co-parents, solo parents, and those who care about them. Join us to hear about entrepreneurship, financial independence, dating, remarriage and step-parenting, blended families, going back to school, growing your career, co-parenting schedules, leaving domestic abuse, finding adult friends, solo travel, creating fun in your life, and more.

Carmel Ecker 0:00
Welcome to single and mighty. I'm Carmel Ecker.

Lindsay Carlson 0:03
And I'm Lindsay Carlson. We're both single parents with over a decade of experience, we've realized that there are lots of negative stereotypes for single parents out there, and it can leave you feeling like single parenting is a pretty hopeless road.

Carmel Ecker 0:19
Our antidote to that is sharing real stories of single parents who are creating amazing lives for themselves and their children. If you find this

Lindsay Carlson 0:29
show helpful, please leave us a review so other single parents can find us it makes a big difference.

Carmel Ecker 0:34
And you can support the show by buying us a coffee at buy me a coffee.com/single and mighty.

Lindsay Carlson 0:54
Today, we

Carmel Ecker 0:54
have Jason Scriven, in 2021. Jason's whole life felt like it was a falling apart. In the span of three months, he got divorced after 27 years of marriage, moved in with his parents had no car and lost his job. On the other side of that major life shift, he now knows that starting over again was actually an incredible gift. And he wants other people who are getting divorced to know that what they're going through isn't the end, but is in fact, a beginning. Welcome, Jason, we're so happy to have you with us today. Thank

Unknown Speaker 1:29
you, Carmel. And Lindsay, happy to be here.

Lindsay Carlson 1:31
Yeah, thanks for joining us.

Carmel Ecker 1:34
And our first question is, can you you know, share with us your your single parents story kind of the Coles notes?

Speaker 1 1:42
Well, you covered most of the tragic part of it. You know, after being in a really good marriage for a long time, it turned out to be not a good marriage for a few years. And like most people in that situation, I think, I certainly stayed in the marriage longer than we probably should have for the sake of the kids. And by the time, I have two daughters, they're 26 and 20. Now, by the time we separated, you know that we were at a point when I think I think they could handle it better. And quite frankly, there was a little bit of a financial incentive there too, we were in a better spot financially, to be able to separate. And so that really, you know, in 2021 kicked off my journey as a as a single father, although a single father of adult children. That's a, that's a different journey that a lot of people go through. And as you mentioned Carmel at the time, it sure seemed like there was a lot going wrong. But it was really just an opportunity to make things go right. And it's pretty grateful for the way everything worked out.

Lindsay Carlson 2:44
Oh my goodness, yeah. Well, I, I'm a huge fan of stories and the stories director, I just, I just love the how a story arc develops. And it sounds like the classic hero's journey. So could you take us back a bit to, you know, divorce, like, maybe what, what actually was so wrong, that you decided this was time to make a change, and then tell us how hard it was, I'd love to hear the story. You

Speaker 1 3:12
know, the sad part like, I think that a lot of people who are in marriages for a long time go through is that you change as people you know, your needs change who you are, as a person changes based on the life experiences you've been through whether they're traumatic or not traumatic, the work you've done, how you've raised your kids, where you've lived your connection to family. And, you know, I think that my ex and I grew apart to the point where we were living in the same house more as roommates them than husband wife or, or as lovers or as friends, even a lot of broken real life revolved around or revolved around taking care of the kids, and making sure that they were taken care of. But we weren't really taking care of each other, and we weren't really taking care of ourselves. And, you know, it wasn't a very brave thing that I did in terms of or that we did in terms of separating. You know, for a while I had, you know, been seeking sort of emotional support and emotional connection with people outside of my marriage. And that wasn't a great journey to be on. But the relief of when we finally separated and, and could then start to make decisions on my own was it was a big one. Even though like in the first couple of days, it was not pleasant.

Lindsay Carlson 4:33
Yeah, but I have no doubt. So you mentioned how you weren't taking care of each other and you weren't taking care of yourselves. You know, for somebody who might be feeling a bit of that Inkling. What does that mean really?

Speaker 1 4:48
Well, for me, it meant that you know, the combination of the job that I had at the time, or the head of had had at the time and My relationship with my axe meant that I was often tired, so tired that I couldn't spend time quality time with the people that counted in my life. And that was my wife and my daughter still at home. And that led into a kind of a vicious cycle of, you know, not wanting to really be at home, because the home life wasn't great with my wife and spending more time at work, or in non work events, which then led me to not being able to spend time with my child, which meant I was too tired to do other things like exercise, eat well sleep, well, I developed a sleep apnea. So there was a lot of stuff going on there that negatively kind of circled into this, you know, crazy traumatic kind of existence. And I think had we been in a better place to be able to talk to each other. Discuss kind of where we were in our marriage and what we were going through and really look at, you know, ethically trying to say, you know, we don't are not a good fit anymore, perhaps things could have gone a little better. You know, one of the things that I've discovered post breakup, was, you know, the ability to be able to focus on your state and take care of yourself first. And that's, to me, that's been that's the real thing, if I look back, that I would have been done better at this, you know, I had a very, when we first separated, and I was looking for a divorce attorney, because you know, that's part of the process. I talked with the gentleman here in Victoria, and, you know, after quoting the A $60,000 retainer, he gave me maybe the best advice I've ever gotten post divorce, which was, take care of yourself, and don't let yourself go into a spiral. Right, you're gonna want to close people out, you're gonna want to numb the pain. You know, he says that some people do that with alcohol, and some do it with drugs, and some do it by doing crazy stuff. But you got to do the exact opposite, you got to focus on the stuff that's important to stay close to your family, work on your mental health. So see a counselor, work on your physical health eat, well get lots of sleep, because those are things you can control, because so much of the divorce and separation process is out of your control. And that was pretty wise counsel. And I look back thinking, Man, I wish I'd heard that, you know, three years before, I'm not sure it would have saved the marriage, but it would have saved, you know, three years of mental health challenges for me for sure. Absolutely.

Lindsay Carlson 7:24
There's that there's actually

Carmel Ecker 7:25
this, your story reminds me of a great Jim Rohn quote, and I'm probably paraphrasing a little bit, I might not get it, right. But it's this, I'll take care of me for you. Even take care of you for me. And he talks about that in relation to his relationship with his wife. And I just I remember hearing that and being like, whoa. I wish I had heard that a lot earlier in my life. And I think this happens a lot in in marriages that people one person or the other might actually burn out trying to be everything for the other person, be supermom be super bad be you know, and instead of doing the one thing, that would really make a difference, which is making sure that you're taking care of so that you actually have the energy to serve everyone else.

Speaker 1 8:17
It's a, you know, it's a it's a great thing, if you think about it, when you're in the middle of it to think oh yes, I'm going to sacrifice my own happiness, my own physical health, my own mental health, in order to keep the peace, which was kind of the case of my family, or, or make somebody happy or take care of them. And it's a slippery slope. Because pretty soon, pretty soon you can't take care of yourself and and you the only the only satisfaction you get is taking care of the other person

Lindsay Carlson 8:50
is codependency when it comes down to it, isn't it? Yeah, I was listening to the Modern love podcast on the weekend. I love that one. And this guy was on it, you'll have to check it out the interview just after February 2020, February 19 2024. He was actually a keynote speaker, he had figured out all the ways to make his relationship work by learning the cues for when the his wife needed empathy and when his wife needed support and he had the right words and he had because he had autism and he so he had really struggled to understand how to connect but he had made this really hard formula, and then was teaching other people and speaking across the country. And one day his wife just said let's be unmarried, stop trying to take care of each other so much stop trying to control it so that we're emotionally Okay. And let's just take care of our own needs. And and that was just the beginning of an amazing relationship for them.

Speaker 1 9:51
You know, I've often thought that that I've know people in my life who have a great relationship and are not married. They And, you know, like they live in separate houses, they have their own separate lives, but they are together, they're in a, they're in a relationship. And I wonder if that takes the pressure off interesting,

Lindsay Carlson 10:10
or creates a little

Speaker 1 10:12
bit of, you know, I'm not with you all the time. So when I am with you, I really appreciate

Lindsay Carlson 10:17
it. Interesting,

Carmel Ecker 10:19
I think it creates space and, like, physical space, like there are some people who kind of can't live together because their the way they organize their physical space is so different. And then there's also just, you know, being able to be by yourself when you want to be by yourself. And when you live with another human, it's really tough to be able to kind of set that boundary. So I know of a number of people that have that situation where when they don't live together, they're together, but they don't live together, and they are so happy.

Speaker 1 10:57
There's not there's not enough credit to be able to giving, making your own decisions to you know, one of the freeing things you get when you become a single, I mean, there's lots of downsides to being single. But one of the upsides is you don't have to check with somebody else when you make a decision. Yes, and that may sound selfish. And so I'm looking forward to an opportunity to try to navigate that, again, another relationship, but hopefully, I'll be able to do it better the next time. Absolutely.

Lindsay Carlson 11:21
That is, for me, one of the biggest fear points, going back into the day dating game right now is I know how to live on my own, I stand on my own two feet, and I don't need to run everything past someone else. So I feel a little bit maybe not quite Prickly, but that maybe when somebody else is checking what my plans are for the week, or when I might have some availability, and I'm like, I would like to, I would like to stay flexible. It's hard to be an adult and to have Yeah, to have your independence and then come into relation with someone else. With someone else. It's just, I think redefining or reimagining kind of the way you were seeing what else is possible.

Speaker 1 12:03
Yeah. And also, I think that one of the things you learn when you come out of a relationship, and maybe if the way you come out of any relationship is what you don't want the next time around. Yeah,

Lindsay Carlson 12:12
so reimagining and sort of redefining what's possible as an adult with your relationship?

Speaker 1 12:19
Well, yeah, and I think that that, you know, depending on where you are, as a single parent, that all that changes, you know, if you're a single parent with young kids, you know, your relationship outside of your relationship with your kids, and maybe your immediate family. Wow, what a, what a minefield to have to work through, you know, you know, in my case, I was I'm a single parent in the with, with adult children. And so, you know, the primary relationship that I'm worried about is my relationship with them. Yes. And, and, you know, the opportunity to do better as a parent, for them, even though neither one of them lives at home anymore. At least most of the time. Yeah. And, and that's a real, it's a real privilege, actually, to be able to say, Listen, you know, there may have been times when I was working like a dog, and was too tired. And your mother and I weren't getting along, and you probably knew it, and you bear the brunt of it. I can't do anything about that. But what I can do is I can be a good father for you going forward and be available when you need me see you as often as I can. And I think the opportunity to do that has been really refreshing for me.

Lindsay Carlson 13:26
I love that I have adult children as well, I have two that are adults and one that's 12. And, you know, there's a saying out there where you get 18 summers with your kids, and I really don't agree with that, because I think some of our best time has really been the beginning of their young adult life and watching them find their feet and and, you know, have some stumbles and being able to be there for them. And also, I don't, my kids happened to be pretty emotionally aware of what we went through as a family in my previous relationship, and it wasn't great. But they're able to talk to me about it now. And there's not that kind of, you're not second guessing how far to talk about it. Now. They're young adults. And you can just say, like, you can ask me anything, and I can answer really openly. And I agree, it's a really great opportunity to build that relationship for moving forward.

Unknown Speaker 14:20
Your children get instantly more fun to talk to the

Carmel Ecker 14:24
true. Currently, that's so true. Mine still only 12 But I can say like the older he's gotten, the more interesting Our conversations are for sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 14:37
And you mentioned Lindsey to you know, the kids are so perceptive. And the fact that you are struggling in a relationship is not gonna go unnoticed. Even if there's no outward sign of struggle, like there's no fistfights or there's no yelling and screaming or slam doors or dads sleeping on the couch kind of stuff. They'll know. Yeah, and I know that my kids After we separated a little bit after that, where, like you no surprise, it didn't happen soon.

Lindsay Carlson 15:07
And also, there's like that, setting up a model for them to move forward in their own intimate relationships in the future. And at least being able to say, this wasn't the model I wanted you to have. And so that there was the awareness there.

Unknown Speaker 15:23
Exactly. Yeah.

Carmel Ecker 15:25
What were some of the conversations, the types of conversations you have with your kids post divorce? Like, did you talk a lot about what happened before? Or are you kind of just focusing on the future,

Speaker 1 15:38
you know, in the immediate aftermath, my one daughter was still at home, and she was a third year, second year high school student, she was in grade 11. And still living at home with her mom and her mom stayed in the family home while I moved out. And, you know, there was a, you know, I think she would be the first to say that she was mad at me for leaving, and that was our initial discussions were all about. Let's just keep talking. There wasn't any, you know, you know, I wanted her to know that I loved her, that I trusted her and her decision making, that, that this wasn't her fault. And this is something that her mom and I were gonna have to work out. But that, you know, we would continue to work out things that she and I would continue to work out things together. And you know, and it just grew from there. And so that the hardest conversation really was just listen, I know, you don't think very highly of me now. And I understand that. But I'm going to keep showing up every day. And I'm going to try to be consistent in the way I show up. And hopefully, that will build the bridge. And so far, so good.

Carmel Ecker 16:49
That's so powerful, I think to be able to just kind of lay it out for your kid and say, Look, I get it. This wasn't fun for you, you know, and accept responsibility for what's happened. And give them the space to, you know, come to you. Yes. And, and just have had the conversations that they want to have.

Speaker 1 17:15
It was a pretty unusual dynamic for my, my youngest daughter, because she was still living in the house with her mom. Yeah. And so I don't know what went on there. And I made a point of not ever asking, if she wanted to tell me about stuff, great. But, you know, I was, I was curious about her. I wonder how school was going and a boyfriend was going and, you know, applying for college and all that kind of stuff and stay focused on the stuff that was important to her. And talk about art and her relationship with me and how she felt about me and, and leave her relationship with her mom to the two of them.

Lindsay Carlson 17:47
That's really skillful and important. And I, I'd love to highlight that for anyone listening. It really is about being interested in your child at any age. And their experience. Absolutely. I think a lot of parents, I've seen want to hear what's going on in the other house. They want to hear what's you know, what's not their way? And what's in they keep in the conflict? Yeah. And it's hard to let go of that. But you have your eye on the bigger picture. And in doing that, you're really showing up for your daughter really caring. And if she's angry, you're there to listen. And that's not easy. And I yeah, I have a lot of respect for you doing that.

Speaker 1 18:33
Well, you know, the you mentioned Lindsey not looking back. And, you know, I truly believe that the past is in the past. Now, I'm still litigating my divorce when I litigating, but we're still negotiating my divorce and everything that goes with it. So occasionally the past does come up. And is there an opportunity to learn from the past? Sure. But there's also you know, there's also not much good when it comes to reliving the bad times. And it keeps you in a real negative headspace. Yeah, and and so, you know, I'm trying really hard to let the past stay in the past and stay focused on taking care of the things I can control here in the future.

Carmel Ecker 19:14
That's really great. I think that in in some cases there can be a lot of finger pointing Yes, right. Wanting to blame the other person for everything that went wrong. Or even not everything but just like well I did this because you did that and and and it's probably not very productive.

Speaker 1 19:37
It's it feels good in the moment to voice your resentment and to have that to have that loop playing in your head. But the the less I think about it, and the further I get away from it, the healthier my mental my mental state is. Yeah,

Lindsay Carlson 19:53
it's about that taking care of yourself piece. When I when I left my x I was in a different situation and I'm looking to try and get custody of my kids for safety reasons. And I picked up a book How to get custody of your kids. And actually, I think I've shared this on the podcast before the number one I actually the whole book was really about how to take care of yourself. First, how to build your own life, how to find what's going to fill you up. But it really is that because then you're not stuck in that loop of defensiveness and resentment and just toxicity. And that's really hard to let go of.

Speaker 1 20:31
Yeah, it because it, there's, there's a little bit of a dopamine hit isn't there, it's like, like scrolling through, you know, pictures of car crashes on on the on tick tock or on Instagram, where you get a quick little hit of the passion in the end anger that goes with blaming somebody for what went wrong. But that doesn't last, you know, the slow and steady consistent of day to day, let's take care of myself, let's think about the long term, try to make a little bit of progress show up consistently. And that seems to, you know, three years later, for me at least, I'm seeing the benefits of it. I

Carmel Ecker 21:05
love it. Yeah. Yeah, it's a committing to the, the self development and happiness program is not probably immediately super satisfying. It's like this. It's something that, you know, if you're looking on a graph, like it seems like it's moving so incrementally, and then it just starts to skyrocket, the longer that you commit to it,

Speaker 1 21:31
all of a sudden, then you look back a couple of years, you're like, wow, right? Look, look how far we've come and look how much I've learned. Since I was talking to a friend who, who does some consulting for people who are, you know, budding solopreneurs, as the term he uses, and one of the things he advises people is to teach people what you learned two years ago, and to find the people that were in the same spot you were in two years ago, and I think about where I was two years ago, and all the things I've learned about student loans, insurance policies. A house selling a house when No, two people don't live in it anymore. escrow accounts, joint bank accounts, you know, it's it's a fairly long list of how do you, you know, paying for college, taking your call your daughter to university, you know, going to high school graduation, when the two of you are separated. So much, who sits where there are so many things that to learn. And part of it, I think the secret is just being open to the fact that you're gonna have to figure it out. You know, the, the stereotypical thing is, what do you do at Christmas time? Oh, yeah, you know, whose family do the kids spend Christmas with? And what do you do? And, and that's, you know, kind of a tricky thing that, you know, thankfully, again, with adult children, we let the kids kind of make that decision themselves. And, you know, just didn't, there was no judgment, no expectation there. Here's where I'm going to be at Christmas time, you let me know where you want to be.

Lindsay Carlson 23:05
It's very adult. I like that.

Unknown Speaker 23:11
Why are you seeing adulting

Lindsay Carlson 23:15
because that's what they need right now too. And so it dovetails nicely into their need for self determination. Yeah, I love it. So two years ago, that's where you were. And we talked about the journey that you've been through. So tell us about where you are now and what was happening in your life these days.

Speaker 1 23:36
You know, the, the lead in that Carmel gave us with the separated living with my parents, no car lost my job, that spiral turned around. Later that year, when I got when I was through a reference, my family friend got a real great position with the company out of Vancouver. And you know what a good steady paycheck will do for all of those things. So in short order, rented my own apartment bought my own truck and was able to sort of craft an independent life and one little aside I'll make is I'll thanks to my sister at the time when we were going through this and she said, You know, when I was looking for apartments, just make sure you get something with two bedrooms. And so the kids will have a place to come home to and what a great what a great suggestion that was a piece of advice because even though one daughter lives full time and then kuvan the others at school in Toronto, there's still a place for them here if they and and it's it's lovely to think about it that way. And I'm quite frankly a little nervous right now because the my landlord is in the process of listing my apartment and I may get you know may not have an apartment here pretty soon so but I'll deal with that when it when it rolls around. And so you know, continuing that story, Lindsay You know how Having a steady employment and steady income, really kind of studies the mental health ship as well, you know, there's one less thing to worry about, and gives you the resources to be able to, you know, go to counseling and attend group therapy and pay your lawyer and like, you know, all the things that are that are involved in, in a separation. But it also, you know, gets you out from under your mom and dad's oh my god, you know, saying that as the guy in his mid 50s pretty hard. It was pretty humbling. But I gotta tell you that night that nine months I lived with them was a great period of time, not only because I needed it, and I needed support a family around me. But you know, there was an opportunity for dinner table every night to reflect on family. And mostly it was mom and dad talking about their experiences with you know, they have quite large families, my dad especially he's one of 19 cousins, I think. And, and so the experiences of, you know, growing up in the Depression era and living on the farm and, you know, those kinds of experiences and how they related to their own parents and, you know, early jobs and like all the things that you never know about your parents because, you know, my dad mom quit their bad habits before I was born like they stopped drinking and stop smoking. So you know, I never knew the wild and crazy Kerala more Scriven before I before I was born.

Carmel Ecker 26:24
Wow. So it was a great responsible than mine where I should be really careful. And it's a joke and not a joke at the same time.

Speaker 1 26:35
Yeah, well, I you know, and so that period of time was, you know, humbling. Yeah. You know, as I talked to my parents these days, I still feel like, I've got you know, as here I am a guy my age don't have a place to go home. That's amazing. It's truly amazing. I mean, if I, if I have a regret, that's the fact that I don't have a place like that for my kids. That's as permanent as it could be right now.

Lindsay Carlson 27:01
Right, yeah.

Speaker 1 27:03
But so you know, that part of my journey continues. And, and we'll see what we'll see what the next step holds. You know, the, you had Lindsey, you're aware, because this is how we connected through LinkedIn is that the company I was working for to Vancouver got acquired. And as acquisitions go, sometimes people are left on the sidelines. And that was, that was totally the case with me, I have no regrets, because it was a great company and a great place to work. But it gave me the opportunity to kind of reflect on, you know, the last three positions I've had, were passport positions in, in an industry that I'd worked in for quite a while, but I wasn't really going anywhere in those positions. And maybe it was a time to make a change. And that's when I decided to, you know, take some of the skills I had in the corporate world and in the coaching world, and turn them into an opportunity to go back to school, get a master's degree in counseling, to help people who have gone through divorce and separation myself. And so I started that journey in January, and I'm actually pretty excited about it.

Lindsay Carlson 28:05
That's really amazing. Just having having everything changed so much in your life, and then being willing to start over in your career, because I know you were at a senior level in what you were doing before you weren't as you know, a beginner or something. No, letting go of that and being willing to take that leap, and follow your interest in and start with student loans and all of that stuff. Yeah, I think I think a lot of us could learn something from that, because your journey is never over, you can start rewriting it at any point.

Speaker 1 28:39
You know, I, this is a phrase that maybe gets reused too often, but it's appropriate. And what we're talking about here is somebody talked about not retiring, but requiring your career. While I'm nowhere near retirement age, you know, here's an opportunity for me to you know, go to school with context of what I want to do. And the learning has been exponentially better than anything that I took in Psych 101 30 years ago. And, and so the ability to learn and and almost apply that on a daily basis is really quite energizing.

Carmel Ecker 29:14
Yeah, I believe it I, like I think of, you know, how I felt going to university in my you know, early 20s And where I am now I have just so much more direction I know what I want in my life. I know what's important to me. I can and I've I've reiterated my career several times the change continues but it like you just have more focus and you have more freedom and there's also this sense of, Well it like it's okay, if this doesn't work, I'll just do something else. Like these experiences really proved to us just how adaptable we are.

Speaker 1 29:53
I have a friend who whose mantra I think she learned this from her father was is that if you can if you can always have a job where you can work with your hands and a job, you can work with your head, you'll never starve. You know, I unfortunately, don't have a job that I can work with my hands because I, you know, that that gene that, you know, for our grandfather who ran a lumber yard and a father who worked in that lumber yard his whole life, man, I can fix anything technical. But when it comes to having a tool belt and know, like, No, I call my father when I have stuff to do around the house.

Lindsay Carlson 30:26
I love that relationship. That's amazing. Because, yeah,

Speaker 1 30:31
my program is the program is VCR and as DVD player is iPad, you know, and he replaces my lightbulbs and fixes my breaker. So that's perfect.

Lindsay Carlson 30:39
Yeah, perfect.

Unknown Speaker 30:41
That's a good synergy.

Lindsay Carlson 30:42
You have that. But the thing is, it's like a trade, right. And so even being on a podcast right now, or being able to figure out the digital things, those are skills that you can consider probably hands on skills. So I think there's hope for you. You know, what

Speaker 1 30:57
I one of the things that I think that this hard for, I know, it was hard for me, and it's been a lesson I keep trying to learn and try to get better at and for single people especially has become is you get when you're a single parent, you get used to becoming dependent or independent. You get used to having to call your own shots and make your own decision and fix the toilet and, you know, mow the lawn and do all the kinds of parental things. And it's hard to ask for help. When there are likely people in your life, who would love to help you. Yeah. And who would get a great joy out of helping you. And, you know, I have a little note that when I'm working for when I'm working with clients, coaching clients, and you know, they're hesitant to talk to people about things they're struggling with, or to ask for help. And I asked them, I always asked, you know, how would if they came to you and asked for help? Would you be honored? And would you want to jump in and help them right away? And the answer always is yes. So don't you think it would work the other way around? Now

Carmel Ecker 31:57
being you know, having gone into counseling and not like, do you have an answer for why we do that? Like, I'm genuinely curious, because like, I am not immune to it, and I understand it, right. Like, I'm like, I know, from reading I've done from experiences that I've had that it feels as good to give as it does to receive and yet, we have such a hard time asking and receiving.

Speaker 1 32:26
You know, I'm a baby counselor, you know, seven, seven weeks into learning. But I but my guess is that a little bit of is the culture that we live in, you know, the North American culture, the US more than Canada, but the North American culture is very individualistic. You know, you are expected to rise and fall on your own merits. You're expected, you know, people are rewarded and celebrated for doing things on their own and taking the hard path, which is a lot different than many collectivist cultures, in Europe and in Asia. Even I would say the indigenous culture here in BC is a lot more collectivist. Then, you know, I'll say I call it the dominant North American culture, right, but

Carmel Ecker 33:07
the dominant North American culture, is it like it's a lie? Yes. The idea that we are on our own is is a lie, like none of us succeeds on our own.

Speaker 1 33:17
I was I was lucky enough, when I did my first master's degree to work with a guy named Ken Blanchard. And he's a pretty well known business author who wrote The One Minute Manager among about, like, 30 other books. And one of the phrases I love from him is that no one of us is as smart as all of us. And, you know, I've adopted that in my business career and really, like tried to ask people for help as much as I could you get, you get a double benefit there, you get the job done for one by somebody who's better at doing it. But then you make somebody feel good for asking for their help and recognizing their expertise. Oh, yeah. And the same help the same works when you ask the neighbor to mow your lawn for you. It's

Lindsay Carlson 33:58
true. There's nothing more frustrating. Sometimes when you have expertise and somebody goes ahead and clunks around and does something that you're like, Dude, you could have just asked me, and so that recognition really does mean something for sure. Yeah, and

Speaker 1 34:14
as you know, and as a guy who's, you know, at some point going to be in the counseling and therapeutic profession is, you know, I've kind of a full time coach, now. I love nothing more than that people come to me and say, I need help. Can you help me with this? Can you help me? You know, I'm a first time people manager, and, you know, I have no idea what I'm doing. Or, you know, I'm running the sales team, and I don't know where we're going, can you help me? You know, at some point, those questions are gonna be, you know, I'm thinking about, you know, separating from my long term relationship. How can you help me and believe me, there's nobody that I want to help more than people who genuinely want to be helped.

Lindsay Carlson 34:49
I love it. Yeah. So Jason, tell us just a little bit about this. The the business or the practice that you have in mind that you're Balancing?

Speaker 1 35:02
Well, it's still early days, you know, but the, the opportunity for me to work with people who are, who are going through a separation or divorce, and could use a little bit of coaching, and a little bit of therapy really appeals to me. You know, I think too, oftentimes the therapists that I've been to who have been great, often leave it really open ended, you know, that I have a therapist, friend who says, Listen, you know, they do therapies to keep them coming back, as in the cash register keeps ringing. And that's kind of a, you know, a cynical look at therapy. And, and just the opposite is true of coaching, when most people come into coaching, especially on the corporate levels, they got a goal, and they want to get it done by a date. You know, but I think that if you combine the two, and you work collaboratively with the client to say, here's where we're struggling on a mental health side, here's how we're going to address it. Here's the path we're going to take. And here's what I think the endpoint looks like. Then I think between the two of you, you can work together to solve the problems and work through the issues now. Could it take a while? Sure. But at least you've got a starting point where you can go back and CC us to see where we were. Now see, here's where we are in the path. And the opportunity to combine those two, I think is exciting. And a new ground for me, because I've got a lot of experience on one side, but not the other. So I have no idea when you take one hat off. But the other one on

Carmel Ecker 36:32
aimless, it's not,

Lindsay Carlson 36:35
too, right. Right, right. Yeah. Well, that's exciting. I am really interested in washing your business as it becomes develops and progresses. And yeah, I hope we get a chance to see what happens. Yeah, well, I'm looking forward to it, too. That's exciting. And I everything about business can be so much fun, because you start off with an invention or an inspiration or an idea. And then you start to create that yourself. So that's something amazing. Single parents are lucky to get that quite often.

Speaker 1 37:05
Well, isn't that the truth? You know, you get an opportunity to, to take what you've already learned, and do it better. Yeah, you know, a phrase I like is it's always better. You know, I am looking at looking forward to moving out of this particular place that I live, because I really like it. But there's an opportunity to find something better. Yeah. And, and, you know, if you take that approach, then I think the world is literally your oyster.

Carmel Ecker 37:32
Absolutely. I think some people get caught in the, but this has changed. I didn't want I didn't ask for this I didn't like and they're, they get stuck in their resistance. And when you can accept, okay, well, this is happening. I don't have any control over that. So what do I have control over? How I react to powerful shift?

Speaker 1 37:57
I have control over how I react when I react and how I how I move forward? What's the what's the phrase, you know, Mike Tyson, the boxer had a phrase about baking a plan. And he says everybody's got a plan. And so they get hit in the mouth.

Lindsay Carlson 38:16
Yeah, yeah, you

Speaker 1 38:18
know, and, you know, divorce is really getting hit in the mouth, and not having a car and moving in with your parents and losing your apartment out from under you or, you know, you know, a pandemic, or a teacher strike, or like all the things that have kind of uprooted our lives in the last few years. You know, when you get hit in the mouth, how do you how do you respond?

Lindsay Carlson 38:40
It can really feel like that too. And it's nice to know that, okay, you got a choice here, it may not be your favorite place to have a choice. But you have that choice. Yeah,

Speaker 1 38:51
it's temporary, right? There's always an opportunity to make it to make another choice and make it make a better one.

Carmel Ecker 38:59
Everything is temporary, even you. True. Maybe that's a bit more than No, I

Lindsay Carlson 39:09
think it's great. Actually, that's a that's part of like the Tibetan Buddhist culture in different religious cultures in your bite when you realize that you've only got this much time you've only got right now. And it might be really hard, but you could make it brighter and better. I think that's a great point. Yeah,

Speaker 1 39:28
well and live for experiences and not material things. Yeah. You know, small little things that you can enjoy on a daily basis, the people that you're with, makes a tremendous difference in terms of your approach. You know, okay, great. You don't have the house and the car and the wife and the family and the profile in the local community. That what do you what do you have? Yeah, your health, your family, your relationships, you know, your your what what was the quote, there's something movie that was watching our series on prime I think maybe it was Apple podcast or apple plus called the echo three. And you're you're you're dry and you're not being shot out was the mantra of this woman who had been kidnapped by, by by gorillas in the Colombian jungle, right? Every day, you know, wow, dried, I'm not being shot at.

Lindsay Carlson 40:21
That's amazing. I would love to unpack that later. It's like, you need some some baseline of safety and you need something to be able to tell yourself to move forward. And sometimes it's never good to look for it. Everybody's

Speaker 1 40:34
baseline is different. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Most for most of us. You know, we're we've got electricity, and running water and food. And again, food in the fridge. Life is pretty good compared to what other people are dealing with. Actually

Carmel Ecker 40:49
a large number of people in the world. Yeah, like housing insecurity, food insecurity isn't, is a very real thing. And these are our basic human needs. And

Speaker 1 41:00
I know from a mental health perspective that people living in poverty or people living with food insecurity, and people living in housing insecurity, directly affects their mental health are more likely to be anxious and depressed and turn to substance abuse. And it's a hell of a hell of a hell of a spiral. That would be nice if we could find ways to get out of it.

Lindsay Carlson 41:19
Yeah, and just as someone who has been in all three of those positions, if you're not in the place right now, where you can have that paying job, and you can find that apartment, and you can get that stability, or that extra home extra room for your kids to come back. There. It doesn't mean you can't get your stuff together, it's just going to be one step at a time. And usually, there are nonprofits out there who can help you get one piece at a time of that puzzle back together. So it's not security, or mental health issues. There are there are bridges out there. It's just being resourceful and looking for those connectors in the community. And then you can go wherever your life, wherever you want to take your life, it just needs, you need the support, you need to get those things in place. But you can get help getting those those things. Yeah,

Speaker 1 42:10
like, I don't know about getting your specific situation, Lindsay, but I felt like I really was lucky that I had a solid support network that supported me not just in the basics of, you know, food and shelter, but financially too. I couldn't have done it without the people who supported me. And I, you know, I'm grateful to that. And I remember that. And, you know, my hope is I'll be able to pay it forward.

Lindsay Carlson 42:32
Absolutely. Yeah, I know that as a, as a as a solo parent, because they want to have this piece in there for for those who may not have the family resource. As a solo parent, I had a couple of people in my life who said things like, hey, they've got a free program at the YMCA, or, Hey, there's the food bank, this is how it works, different things like that. There are things in society in North American society. And we're really grateful to have those there. That even if you don't have the financial backing, you need something. Single parents who are on their own really need financial resources, they really need support there. And so don't feel terrible if you have to go after those things. And you're right, you can have a season now. When you need to receive when you say yes to any friend who is willing to make you dinner, and then your future you can be the one who gives it back. It doesn't mean just because this is your temporary now situation. It doesn't mean it's forever.

Unknown Speaker 43:32
Yeah, very well said.

Carmel Ecker 43:35
Powerful note to end on I think. Yeah.

Lindsay Carlson 43:38
So Jason, we also we love this conversation. And I think it's really stuff that we haven't been talking about a lot. So I'm grateful that you brought your story to the table, and that you share it super vulnerably what you went through and and how hard that was, and where you are right now, which is really inspiring. We have a lightning round of questions. Okay. So just before you hang up your hat. There you go. It's usually pretty fun. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mel, do you want to ask this question? Do

Carmel Ecker 44:14
it so please finish this statement. single parenting is

Speaker 1 44:21
a joy every day wrapped in 1% abject terror.

Lindsay Carlson 44:30
I love it. That's so good. That's awesome. And what's one thing that you love to do to take care of yourself just for you.

Speaker 1 44:40
You know, I live in North Saanich, British Columbia, which is right near the little town of Sydney and Sydney has got a great main street that runs all the way to the water and it's got lots of little benches built into the street. And one of the things I love to do is to sit on one of the benches and just observe people as they walk by. Read a book Look, listen to music, but just be in that environment for an hour to an hour and a half. That really is, you know, life's busy. But that opportunity to slow down and enjoy the sunshine and the people and the dogs and like that the whole kitten caboodle that is a small community. That's a pretty big part of my mental health. Journey.

Carmel Ecker 45:22
I love it or fall. I'm familiar with that road. And yes, it's a it's a lovely, lovely area. Yeah, yeah. What, what kind of new habits or traditions have you created with your kids? As you know, as a solo parent now,

Speaker 1 45:44
you know, one of the things, you know, with children of any age these days, they've all got phones. And the opportunity to have a three way text chain is pretty awesome. Yeah. And that's it's a small little thing. But it's only us. You know, I have text back and forth with each one of them individually. Because they're different people. And there's different things going on in their lives. But I love celebrating stuff, individually. This week is my older daughter's birthday. And my mom, her grandma whipped out all the baby and toddler pictures when I was at dinner on Sunday. And so today, I was rolling through them in the in the three way text chat, showing all these old pictures, so the three of us can share them. And that's a nice little thing that we do back and forth is it's just keep track of each other and how and how we're all doing this.

Lindsay Carlson 46:40
And live in that. So Firefall really sweet. All right. And last question, what's the number one thing you want to leave our single parent listeners with today?

Speaker 1 46:54
Well, we've mentioned it a couple of times. But I think the more you hear it, the more the more impactful it becomes is that the best is yet to come. You know, Frank Sinatra said it best and they're just every opportunity that seems like it's a door closing is really just a window opening somewhere else where you can look outside, take a look around and go, Wow, I'm in a great spot. And I can do better.

Lindsay Carlson 47:18
And love it. Thank you good then yeah, we're really excited for what you're doing right now in your career and in your education. And we just, we hope that we'll stay in touch and update listeners with, you know when your practice opens and when they can connect with you.

Unknown Speaker 47:36
That would be my pleasure, Lindsay Carmel. Thanks so much. This was great.

Lindsay Carlson 47:38
Thanks for joining us today.

Carmel Ecker 47:40
Thanks so much. Before you leave, we want to give a big shout out to our friend and musician Laura cosh who wrote our intro slash Outro Music. Laura is the singer songwriter for the band the quirks and you can find them online at the quarks K WERK s.com.

Lindsay Carlson 47:59
Make sure you subscribe, leave a review and share it with other single parents in your life. Thanks for listening