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In this episode, discover the crucial Two Phase process that you can engage in order to revive your marriage. It's Phase One that most christian men know nothing about, and they spend their time spinning their wheels on Phase Two wondering why nothing is working!
If you have wondered why all your attempts at serving, loving, and winning your wife have only seemed to push her away, then this episode is for you.
If you haven't yet, be sure to grab The DNA of a Man.
Also, if you're interested in working with Matt one-on-one in the Unshakeable Man coaching program...click here to download the PDF writeup about the program and book a free 30 minute REBUILD coaching call with Matt.
01:37 - 10:10
If you have wondered why all your attempts at serving, loving, and winning your wife have only seemed to push her away, then this episode is for you.
If you haven't yet, be sure to grab The DNA of a Man.
Also, if you're interested in working with Matt one-on-one in the Unshakeable Man coaching program...click here to download the PDF writeup about the program and book a free 30 minute REBUILD coaching call with Matt.
01:37 - 10:10
- Desire a fulfilling, fun, and connected marriage, challenging traditional views on marriage goals.
- Recognize the importance of two phases in improving marriage:
- Phase 1: Reclaim masculine individuality.
- Phase 2: Romance, kindness, understanding, serving.
- Acknowledge that misconceptions about marriage dynamics have been perpetuated, and it's time to understand God's design for relationships.
- Many men feel their marriages are suffering, with a sense of lost respect and intimacy from their wives.
- Phase 1 focuses on reclaiming masculine individuality, essential for restoring marriage dynamics.
- Men often sacrifice their identities and interests for their wives, leading to resentment and loss of respect.
- It's important to establish boundaries and confront issues instead of avoiding conflict.
- Reclaiming individuality creates a healthy distance, enabling men to show self-respect without being mean.
- Phase 1 prepares men for Phase 2, where genuine kindness and romantic gestures are appreciated once they have their own identity and confidence.
- The lack of balance between these phases contributes to struggles in many marriages, particularly within Christian contexts.
- Emphasizes the importance of balancing both "alpha" and "gentle" qualities in marriage.
- Warns against becoming distant and neglectful, leading to feelings of abandonment in partners.
- Encourages men to work on self-identity, desires, boundaries, and communication skills.
- Offers coaching and resources, including the book "The DNA of a Man."
- Urges men to embrace their value and contribute positively to their relationships and communities.
- Promotes engagement with the Man Warrior King community for support and growth.
Creators & Guests
What is The Man Warrior King Podcast?
You want to live a life on fire and on mission.
You want to be filled with such conviction and drive that you stop caring about what ANYone thinks.
You want to face each day alive, authentic, and fully present in every moment: with your wife, kids, on the street, at the gym, at work.
You want to bring yourSELF to the table, and to stop bringing the watered-down, nice, what everyone wants version of you.
You want that self to be a man who is burning in passion for Jesus, unafraid to bring his kingdom to anyone in your path, no matter the cost.
You want to love the one in front of you without fear, without needing love back, and without reserve.
You want to experience God for real, to not just believe, but to KNOW that he’s got you and that he’ll show up on your behalf. That he’ll show up THROUGH you.
You want to get to the end of your race and say, “Yep…I gave it everything. Jesus, you know I’m all in.”
...And you want to know just how to get there.
Welcome to Man Warrior King. Congratulations. You are among the violent taking the kingdom by force. You are among the chosen, answering the call to rise above your self. You are in the forge being stripped down and strengthened—and you WILL rise stronger, solid, unshakeable.
You are a man. You are a warrior. You are a king.
Speaker 1
You want to live a life on fire and on mission. You want to be filled with such conviction and drive that you stop caring about what anyone thinks. You want to face each day alive, authentic, and fully present in every moment. With your wife, with your kids, on the street, at work.
Speaker 1
You want to bring yourself to the table and to stop bringing the watered-down, nice, what-everyone-wants version of you. You want that self to be a man who is burning in passion for Jesus, unafraid to bring his kingdom to anyone in your path, no matter what it costs you. You want to love the 1 in front of you without fear, without needing love back and without reserve. You want to husband well.
Speaker 1
You want to father well. You want to shepherd your life well. You want to be a safe pillar for anybody around you. You want to experience God for real, to not just believe, but to know that He's got you and that He'll show up on your behalf.
Speaker 1
That he'll show up through you. You want to get to the end of your race and say, yep, I gave it everything. Jesus, you know I'm all in. And you want to know just how to get there.
Speaker 1
Welcome to Man Warrior King. I'm your host, Matt Halleck. Congratulations. You're among the violent taking the kingdom by force.
Speaker 1
You're among the chosen, answering the call to rise above yourself. You're in the forge being stripped down and strengthened and you will rise stronger, solid, unshakable. You are a man, you're a warrior, you are a king. Good afternoon, gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Man Warrior King podcast.
Speaker 1
This is Matt Halleck, your host. I'm the author of the book The DNA of a Man and the founder of the Man Warrior King Movement. I don't want to just encourage you to get in touch if you need help figuring out how to show up in your life as a fully alive, unleashed, masculine, kingdom man, walking in joy and confidence, walking by the voice of God, walking in the power of his spirit, seeing miracles happen in your life. If you need help being the kind of man whose wife wants to be around him, whose wife is attracted to him, whose wife is sexually attracted to him, then please get in touch.
Speaker 1
Head to www.manwarriorking.com, fill out the contact form, get in touch with me, drop me a line, check out our different coaching options to check out the groups we've got and Let me know what it is that you are needing if you haven't bought the book the DNA of a man Please do pick it up and read it. It will be life-changing for you like it has been for the thousands of others who have read it so far. Today I want to talk with you about a very important about a very important dynamic that you have to know in order to create the type of passionate, desire-filled, fun and connected marriage that you want. And I wanna put, speak a caveat for a moment because as I say that, as I say, for you to create the kind of passionate, desire-filled, fun and connected marriage that you want I can hear the religious spirits out there getting bristly and uncomfortable at the thought that Aiming for a fun and desire filled marriage Should be your goal.
Speaker 1
I can hear the religious spirits objecting And say well, that's not the goal. Anyway, the goal is for you to become more like Jesus The goal is for you to become holy. Wanting your marriage to be fun is not realistic. It's pie in the sky.
Speaker 1
I'll tell you what. You want to know what realistic gets you? It gets you 40 more years in the desert. Because the 10 spies that came back to Moses and said this promised land that God has promised to give us, it will eat us for lunch.
Speaker 1
That was what was realistic. You get in there and you look at all the Giants who have half human half fallen angel blood running through their veins who look like monsters, beasts, smell like whatever, the human sacrifice happening all over, like you get in there and you tell me what was a realistic report according to the way we normally think I'll tell you what the 10 spies were being realistic an army an army made up of former slaves To go up against these giants with hell's DNA To go against the fortified cities Filled with thousands and thousands of just normal humans The 10 were realistic Joshua and Caleb had a different reality. They saw through a different lens than the tin did. And so their realistic was nothing compared, nothing close to the realism of the tin.
Speaker 1
So if you hear in your head or from your church pulpit that pursuing a marriage of passion, fulfilling sex, fun, isn't realistic, You might need to listen to a different voice. Because I don't go by what is realistic, I go by what the word says. And the word tells me your marriage can be incredible And no it's not selfish to want your marriage to be a blessing and a gift and to be like heaven on earth Full of pleasure and good things. That's not selfish and wrong.
Speaker 1
That's what God said it should be. It's actually selfish for you to deny what God said you should pursue in your marriage. So, if you want a fun, connected, passionate, and desire-filled marriage, then you have to be aware of the dynamic I'm about to talk to you about here. And as a man, you need to think of yourself as needing to go through 2 major phases for your marriage.
Speaker 1
2 phases. The problem with many men is that they start in phase 2 and wonder why nothing is getting done, why nothing is changing, why it's not getting better. And phase 2 is full of a lot of the behaviors, methods, tactics, if you will, that we would normally pick up from Christian marriage advice, blogs, sermons, books, etc. And so we end up jumping right into phase 2, which involves the gentleness, the kindness, the buying her flowers, whatever, all of the different romance things, the sweetness, all of that.
Speaker 1
We jump right into that because that's what we're told, but we Don't do phase 1. So if you've wondered why, you've tried all the things you know to try to help your marriage. And none of them have seemed to work, none of them have resulted in the outcomes that you have been told that should happen. It's not because you suck, it's not because you just have a wife who's just that bad, And it's not because God isn't caring about your marriage and listening to your prayers.
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It's because you haven't known how he built you and your wife to operate. You don't know how the kingdom works in your marriage. That's it. And it's not even your fault, and it's not hers.
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You wanna know whose fault it is? Satan's fault, because he's deceived so many of us for such a long time So it's time that we wake up to how things actually work instead of what we've been told that they how they work So what is phase 1 Phase 1 is where you go about the work of reclaiming your masculine individuality individuality for the large majority of the men who listen to this podcast. Your marriage is suffering in a place where you are feeling like your wife doesn't even want you anymore. You feel like you've lost her respect in your eyes.
Speaker 1
She has become angry. She's become cold. She's become bitter. Maybe it's not quite as extreme, but it may feel like it's on the way there.
Speaker 1
She used to like going out on dates with you, she used to be excited to be around you, and now it seems like it's kind of she doesn't have to have it anymore, she could do without it. You remember days when she used to want you in bed, she was to wanna have sex with you as much as she could. And now it's like she's learned how to do without it. And there's all kinds of reasons, the kids, the time of life you're in, the busyness, the stress, whatever, there's always a reason for her to not want to have sex and you just remember the times when all those reasons didn't seem to matter so much because her desire for you was higher.
Speaker 1
Am I describing somebody's marriage out there? I know I am. So if this is the type of situation you have found yourself in and you have been doing everything you know how to do, you've been trying to be as kind of a husband as you can, You've been trying to be generous and consider it and you're always wanting to see what her needs are and get them taken care of and it's like she it's doing nothing she's still just mean to me whatever. Then you need phase 1 very badly.
Speaker 1
You need to reclaim your masculine individuality very badly. Because what happens men is that in a marriage when you both are head over heels for each other, you begin to sacrifice the things in your life and the things about you that made you you. So that you could spend more time with her. So that you could do all the things that she wanted Over time You have less of your own opinions and you defer to what she thinks Over time you let go of the practices and the hobbies that once filled you up so much.
Speaker 1
Possibly working out, possibly going fishing, possibly whatever it is. Because you've been trying to be noble. You've been trying to be the man who sacrifices everything for the sake of his wife and his family, right? Because that's what you are told.
Speaker 1
Sacrifice. Self-sacrifice above all. And there is truth to sacrifice, but too many of us don't understand the full picture. Sacrifice is only powerful if it's happening from a man who has not sacrificed his identity.
Speaker 1
Just like humility is only valuable from a man who is confident. So this process of reclaiming your masculine individuality is multifaceted. There are so many pieces to this puzzle. But it boils down to you needing to get in touch with your desires, you stopping the inner tape recording, that's a constant drain on your confidence and on your joy, that's a constant drain on your assertiveness, on your proactivity, on the power that is waiting to be released in you through the Holy Spirit, You need to put an end to that.
Speaker 1
You need to get in touch with what you want in your life at large and in your marriage. And you need to start going about doing those things. You need to learn how to establish boundaries for when your wife speaks to you in ways that are not okay. You need to be willing to actually have conflict instead of always avoiding it.
Speaker 1
Because if you are just trying to stuff your feelings, You are just trying to always be the most like untouchable whenever she says things that are critical or mean, whenever she gets angry, whenever she does things that are out of bounds. If you're just trying to deal with it and get over it, you're not actually being honest, first of all. You're showing up in your marriage as a liar. Second of all, you're actually enabling her to continue those behaviors that are causing you so much pain.
Speaker 1
Now you think you're doing the right thing because you're trying to be super selfless and you're just trusting that Jesus is going to work on her heart and change her over time. But What he's actually wanting is for you to step out onto the battlefield where he's waiting for you, rather than sitting on the sidelines and hoping that she figures her game out. He's actually waiting to meet you and to bring miraculous change when you step onto the field. Not when you sit there and work on getting over it and just hope she changes.
Speaker 1
No, you've got to show up with honesty and start to display a respect for yourself, not at the cost of respect for her, not in meanness, not becoming a jerk. Now, if you start having boundaries, she might call you a jerk, she might tell you you're becoming mean and you've got to be careful because it's very doable to become mean when you're doing these things so you need to examine yourself but It's not a guarantee that you're being mean when you begin to reestablish your individuality. Why is this important? Why is this phase important?
Speaker 1
This is a phase of in a way, creating a healthy distance that was meant to be there all along. It's not like getting distant as a husband. It's not checking out. It's not leaving her in the dust.
Speaker 1
It's disentangling in ways that you were never meant to be entangled. And it's important because without this, all of your phase 2 activities are just going to feel needy. They're going to feel smothery. They're not going to be met with appreciation.
Speaker 1
They're going to push her away even more because she already has lost you. You're not your own man. You're a yes man. You're like an annoying little buzzing fly hovering around her, always attentive to every little thing she wants and she's tired of it.
Speaker 1
It's getting her triggered because she has lost the respect for you that she had when you were your own man. This is why all of those romance efforts don't pay off. This is why the niceness and treating her with kindness doesn't seem to get met in return. Because she doesn't see you as your own man worthy of respect right now.
Speaker 1
Now that's not to say it will always be that way. That's why you've got to go through the work of doing phase 1, which then phase 2 begins to land somewhere when you're a man who is confident and joyful and you know who you are. You have an identity and you're pursuing what matters to you. You have desires that are fully alive and active and you are connected with Jesus and your mission and his mission for you in your life.
Speaker 1
Then your kindness, your gentleness, your empathy and sympathy, your understanding. It all is now way more valuable. Then you're, you're instigating date nights, doing romantic gestures for her to let her know you're thinking about her. Now she appreciates them and they mean something to her like they should.
Speaker 1
Now they draw her to you. See, if we do all phase 2, we smother our wives. If we do all phase 1, We become jerks and we move away from her and we get distant and she feels alone and abandoned and like we're mean We have to do both And This is the problem with a huge portion of marriages these days, especially Christian marriages, because we're so focused on phase 2 in giving Christian marriage advice. All of the kinder, gentler qualities.
Speaker 1
You've gotta have alpha qualities too. There's just no way around it. So, if that is you, do the work to find your identity. Do the work to tap into your desires.
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Do the work to change the inner narrative. Do the work to figure out what your boundaries are and do the work to learn how to communicate them. Then then she's gonna appreciate your kindness and your loving and your gentleness so much I promise if this is you gentlemen and you need help, get in touch. For 101 coaching, I've got a couple of different groups from time to time that you are free to ask me about and you can always buy the book the DNA of a man it will change your life like it has so many others bless you gentlemen I love you peace This is Matt Halleck signing off and thanking you again for being a part of the Man Warrior King community.
Speaker 1
If you want more, head over to manwarriorking.com. And please remember to take just a couple seconds to subscribe on iTunes and to leave a 5 star rating and a review so that more and more men can join us as we become awesome. You are a kingdom man. Go out, take more ground, push back darkness.
Speaker 1
Remember you bring value into your home, your work, and your circle. You are not a taker, you are a giver. Abundance is your atmosphere.