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THE podcast for navigating all things midlife with honesty, humor, and heart
Heidi: Welcome to Evolving Together.
I am your host, Heidi Sexton, and this
is the podcast for navigating all things
midlife with honesty, humor, and heart.
And today, I am talking about, adult
children living at home, and I have with
me my friend Susan, who is well-versed
in having adult children living at home.
It just made a lot of sense to me,
because Susan and I go way back.
We've been BFFs for 35-plus
years, which is crazy, right?
Susan: Wow.
Yeah.
Heidi: I think we've been through
pretty much everything ., , It
makes sense in 35 years.
Susan: Mm-hmm.
Heidi: You know?
- Susan: Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and you know, ... I think
one of the things I value about the
kind of friendship we have is that
we weren't necessarily connected
at the hip the entire time, right?
Mm.
True.
Heidi: Um,
Susan: our friendship isn't
necessarily rooted in this, um,
this, what do you wanna call it?
This constancy, right?
We've kind of come in and out
of each other's lives over time.
Heidi: Mm-hmm.
Susan: Right?
And I think it's the fact that we
have come together during really
important times, and then- Mm
we just are there for each other.
I mean, when we need to pick up the
phone and talk to each other about
whatever it is that's happening,
I think that's the kind of thread
that's sort of carried us through.
Heidi: I would agree.
I, I think those are the best kind
of friendships where you, you know
that person is there for you 100%.
Even if you didn't talk to
them for w- weeks, months even.
I would hope that everybody has
a friend like that or friends.
Mm-hmm.
I feel really fortunate that I have
friends that I can do that with.
Susan: Mm-hmm.
, Heidi: And if not, that maybe this is one
of those places where people can listen in
and feel like, okay, I, , I can be heard.
, I matter, you know?
Mm-hmm.
I'm important.
And, and we might not know each other,
you know, all the listeners, we don't all
know each other, but at le- well, maybe
now we do because it's just starting off.
Eventually the podcast will
be much bigger, and I won't
know all the listeners.
It's just really a special
relationship, and we've been
through, oh my gosh, divorces-
Susan: Yeah
... Heidi: deaths, marriages,
births, child raising-
Susan: Mm-hmm
... Heidi: moving.
I mean, just about everything
you could imagine that would
happen in anyone's life in- Yeah
in that amount of time and-
Susan: Yeah,
Heidi: career changes ... it's,
it's, you know.
Yeah.
My ride or die.
Yes.
, , Susan, , you're one of those
people that I'm always in awe
of, and I learn so much from you.
One of the topics that is very close
to our hearts and something that we've
been experiencing now for a while
is adult children living at home.
And, , is it a good idea?
Is it a bad idea?
Who is it good for?
Who is it bad for?
I, don't really like the words good and
bad, because that's so finite, and I
think , there's a lot of nuance in there.
But, , I wanted to explore that a little
bit because- Well, you can explain your
situation, but I , have three kids.
One, she lives on her own, pays
a crazy rent at her apartment.
, , One bedroom , on the Gulf Coast of
Mississippi, and it's the same amount
that someone would pay in a larger city.
So living in the South is not
necessarily less expensive.
I have two boys, one that's living
in the Canary Islands teaching
English, and when he comes back,
he will be living with us again.
, And then my youngest son who's at college,
who's also in the National Guard, when
he comes home, he's living with us.
So the two boys have their own
bedrooms, although the older
one, , this is his bedroom, my
recording studio, my podcast studio.
But, , they come and go.
And like you said, what happened
to the empty nest syndrome?
I
Susan: know.
Oh, man.
So like you, , I have three kids.
, Actually our kids are around
the same age, give or take- Yeah
a year, , either way in whichever
child we're talking about.
And then I'm married, , third marriage.
My husband, has three kids, so we're
a blended family, so we have six kids.
His three, though, live with
their biological mother.
That fact, just sort of a little quick
footnote, , that fact that they live with
their mother actually doesn't necessarily
mean that they're doing the back and
forth empty nesting thing with their mom.
We're actually anticipating one of them
coming here and living here, during
her maybe gap year after high school.
And so even with, kids that are
graduating, like she's graduating this
year, , all of my three have graduated.
, They're college age.
, I think the ol- Well,
I don't think, I know.
The oldest- It's
Heidi: hard to keep track sometimes.
Susan: Is 20 will be 25.
Now, like your oldest, she is
also living on her own, and
she's living with roommates.
And, she, for the most part I think
is just, she's kind of flown, right?
Flown the nest.
As a matter of fact, I'm talking
to right now my middle one, who
is one of the young kids at home.
And he's still trying to talk to me even
though I said, "Please don't," because I'm
going to be interviewed- ... on a podcast.
So that's one of those things
that, you don't ever get that time-
Heidi: Yes
... Susan: alone, right?
The
Heidi: boundaries.
Yes.
Susan: Yeah, yeah.
Well, we'll,
Heidi: we'll get into the
boundaries and how- Yes
it affects our relationships with
ourselves and our, our partners.
Susan: Yes.
At least he's interrupting me because
he's making, uh, egg salad, right?
So he's actually- Oh, nice ... you
know, he's doing something.
Heidi: Yes.
That's good.
He's cooking as we s- you know.
Susan: Yeah ... or is
Heidi: doing some food prep.
That's great.
Susan: That's right.
So- Awesome ... anyway, , but
yeah, - the old paradigm, right?
Go to college, maybe come home for
a year or two before you figure it
out , or you don't, and you just go
straight off to your career and your
life as a young adult at 22, 23.
, That is not the case.
That is not- the cookie cutter
sort of life cycle anymore.
Heidi: It's not.
And , I think I had
that I had that fantasy.
I'm like...
Well, actually, in the beginning,
when my daughter went to
college, I was devastated.
I'm like, "Oh my God, the nicest
person just left my house.
, I'll never see her again.
She's on her own."
And then she came back.
And which I was thrilled.
Yeah.
I was not complaining at all.
, She ended up coming back to
live with us for a while.
, I was still married to her dad at
the time when COVID came through-
Mm-hmm ... because they closed the dorms.
So I was not expecting that.
And here she's been living on her own
for a while, and that was interesting.
And then, then she left again.
And I had this, thing in my head.
I thought, "Well, when my last
one graduates high school, I'm
gonna go and live in Costa Rica."
Because I'm done.
I don't...
I- Right ... I'm done.
, I don't have to provide that home.
And what's interesting is, no, you
don't have to provide it, but I
actually enjoy that part, and it's
nice to be able to do that and to be
in that position to be able to do that.
Susan: Yeah.
, Heidi: And like you said, that
empty nest, it's just not the
model- ... for a lot of reasons.
The, rent is , really expensive,
especially if they live on their own.
Yeah.
And, there's a lot of pros for them.
Susan: Yes.
Heidi: You
Susan: know?
Yes.
Well-
Heidi: Saving.
Susan: Yes, absolutely.
And I think you said something
that I wanted to make a point of.
Of also sort of reinforcing
and commenting on.
, Just because we thought we had the
expectation just based on our own
historical knowledge of what we
experienced growing up, that, , just
because that isn't the case, it
doesn't mean it's bad, right?
Yeah.
Like, I don't wanna convey in any
way that this idea that we're not
following that same life cycle,
that there's something wrong.
, Because I actually would have these
conversations with my husband.
I'd ask the question,, being curious,
"Isn't the United States, isn't America
one of the very few cultures that really
tries to boot their kids out at 18 and
just sort of, 'All right, you're done.
You're gone.
You're independent'"?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, that is a lot of the values.
That our country was founded on
sort of this independence, this
self-sufficiency of making it on your own.
And I think that has certainly
come through in our own family,
the American family values,.
And that's something that we value.
But when I would look at other
countries, especially European
countries, and I would say even Asian
countries, , that's not the case.
In some instances...
And I'm not saying that's better.
I'm just saying different,, and so
I kind of question why am I feeling
like I have to follow this American
cultural norm of expecting my kids to
be out on their own, especially now
when college is not a given, right?
Right.
There's been such a decline in college
admissions, attendance, and, I mean,
that whole path has really switched, too.
So even as parents, we're also
figuring it out for the first time.
If what we experienced is not
the norm, , what is normal-
Heidi: Yeah
... Susan: for us, even for our kids
and how we change our expectations
Heidi: that's a good point because most,
cultures don't just kick their kids out.
Susan: No, they, they keep them as long-
Or, or- Yeah, until they get married even.
Yeah, yeah.
You know?
Heidi: It's like- And the, and the
grandparents and the aunties and the-
Susan: That's
Heidi: it
everybody.
I know, and I think- Yeah ... I
think we're really missing that.
Yes.
That's another whole conversation
with- It is ... raising children and-
Susan: Yeah
... Heidi: you know, it takes a village
because- It, it does ... honestly,
that's how it was done.
So- Mm-hmm ... ... it, , makes
sense that it doesn't necessarily
work to have them move out- Right
on their own and try to figure it out.
I did that.
I moved out when I was 17.
I was still in high school.
Okay.
And that was a, a choice that I made.
I'll go into that story maybe
another time somewhere else.
But it was complicated, but, , it
was the right choice for me.
I didn't feel like I had a really
good home base that I could-
Susan: Mm-hmm
... , Heidi: extend my roots in, I would say.
Mm-hmm.
So I think I, I'm happy to
be able to provide that.
There was a time where I didn't
think I would be able to when I
was going through my divorce, and,
I looked at very small apartments.
And I would think, "Well, you
can certainly live with me, but
you're going to be doubled up."
And , there would be
consequences , - not consequences.
But if you're gonna live with me,
you're going to have to live a little
differently than you had- Right ... when
we had a full house, and you had
your own bedroom and everything.
Implications.
Susan: Implications.
Heidi: Implications.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
So one of the things that I, I don't...
I think we've talked about this before,
but,, you don't charge rent, right?
Or do you?
Do you mind
Susan: just sharing that?
, Oh, no.
That's all right.
So currently, no.
There was a time when I did with, , my
middle daughter, my middle child.
- And then, actually we just talked about
this, she and I, because I charged her,
then I didn't charge her- ... and then I,
, charged her, but then I actually ended up
at the last sort of iteration of charging
rent to m- , to my daughter, I ended up
charging her, and then I saved that money
into a savings, a secret savings account.
And then I presented her with that
savings when she, I think when she
moved out, or I can't remember when.
But yeah, I'm, yeah, I- I like that.
That's- I I, well- I kind of changed.
I mean, every kid, the
circumstances change.
Things change.
And, , I try to be consistent.
I know I think that's one of
the hallmarks of, good parenting
is consistency, follow through.
Mm.
Um, I am not that epitome
of good parenting.
Heidi: But it's, it's so
hard though because, like you
said, circumstances change.
Each child is so radically different.
Yeah.
And so it's really hard to be fair to all
of them, especially as they get older.
Because free rent for one might not
be as valuable as it is to the other.
Susan: Yep.
Heidi: And so if you're giving one child
a place to live and free rent, well,
then the others aren't getting anything.
So it's like- Yeah ... it's so, you
know- It is ... it's like, should
we be giving the other ones that
aren't living at home something?
No.
I don't think so.
But it is something that's come up
because, especially as they get older.
My oldest, who's gonna come home for...
Well, he's only gonna be
home for a month and a half-
Susan: Mm-hmm
... Heidi: before he goes to law school.
Susan: Mm-hmm.
Heidi: And, I told him, I said, "You do
need to get a job when you get home Yes,
Susan: yeah
... ' Heidi: cause he has to
pay for everything else.
I mean, we cover food and-
Susan: Right
... , Heidi: a place to stay.
Susan: Right.
Heidi: Although my studio now, so we'll
see about how that goes in my guest room.
But, , I think that, contribution, like
how do you contribute to the family-
Susan: Right
... Heidi: as an adult?
It's just different when they're,
, they're living on their own.
They don't tell you when
they're gonna come home,
, you don't require them to tell you- if
they're in or out, or how do you, how do
Susan: you handle that?
Yeah, I don't require that.
So just to touch real quick on the rent
situation, so I currently don't charge
rent for my middle child or my youngest.
They're both living at home.
I don't charge rent.
You're right, though, there are
expectations, around contributing.
, And then they do have to
pay for their own things.
As a parent, we're trying to teach
financial responsibility, right?
So I'm not paying for everything.
They have their own
bills they have to pay.
Their phone, if they want Spotify
streaming or anything else like that.
, Any health and beauty, any
snacks, , that I just would never
eat, they've gotta buy that.
But like you, I buy food.
Like, sort of this communal or
community, food, for meals and,
shared snacks and things like that.
So, I do agree with you.
There's gotta be some
responsibility, and accountability,
and ownership.
Heidi: Yeah.
Susan: So.
, Heidi: When, do I say enough is enough?
That's the thing.
I, don't think We'll
know probably until...
It's not like a- an age.
Okay, when you're 25, you're out.
Yeah.
Or, , you turn 21, you're out.
I don't think that we
can put an age on it.
We are privileged to be able to
have a house that's big enough
to house more than just us.
Yeah.
Our, our partners and our, our husbands.
Mm-hmm.
But it does change, and I, want to
help my kids have that foundation
as much as possible, but then I also
worry that I'm enabling sometimes.
Okay, so I have this huge room that's my
son's room, and he's, once he goes off to
law school, he's gonna have an apartment.
Right.
And he doesn't take
this furniture with him.
But when he graduates law school,
mmm, what if he's between a job
and, , do I offer a place to stay?
And then for how long?
I'll deal with it when that
happens, but I, do think about that
sometimes, although they really
wanna be out as soon as they can.
Susan: Yeah, right?
That's the funny thing, is that
you talk to them and they say they
don't even wanna be at home, right?
That's true,
Heidi: yeah.
Yeah.
Susan: They don't even wanna be at home.
They're striving to move
out as fast as they can.
, You said something earlier which
is so true, it's so expensive.
So even though they have these goals
and desires and, they're inspired
and aspire to be independent, , the
current state of the world doesn't
seem to really What's the word?
I don't wanna say make it easy,
but it doesn't really- Didn't
support ... support that.
It d- No ... yeah, it doesn't really-
No, it doesn't ... support that.
, And I do find myself, ugh, asking all
the questions you were just asking.
Like, how long is too long?
Is there a thing?
Do we put a stake in the ground?
You know, it's sort of like part of
you kinda thinks, "I gotta force it
because I'm trying to,, launch them,"
. You're trying to, , educate them.
You're hoping that they're learning,,
all the responsibility and this and that.
And you wanna get them in the world.
But then you just described some
really good reasons why they might
go and come back, go and come back,
and that influences our decision on
do we stay or do we downsize, right?
Yeah.
Do we move, and where do we move?
Because I go back and forth.
Sometimes I'm like, "I wanna be a
little more accessible to my kids.
I wanna kinda stay.
Even if they go live somewhere else,
Maybe they'll come back to Georgia.
So , maybe I should stay in Georgia,
but I really wanna be somewhere else."
I think that's kinda the hardest part
about this whole thing is that our
parents and the, Boomers and whatever,
when empty nesting was the real thing,
there was a real delineation between
my life with my kids, raising a family,
and then my own life, and now I can
go and figure out my own life and
rediscover myself and all this stuff.
But now you don't have that
really, and now you're trying
to do that as an older adult.
Trying to rediscover your own life.
Heidi: Right, and that's
another whole conversation.
Um, and doing it with kids.
Yeah.
Susan: Yes.
And
Heidi: then doing it with kids.
Yes, yes.
That is a topic that is so important.
It is rediscovering who you are
in mid-life- Yeah ... through all
the different transitions- Yeah
... whether you have children or not.
One thing I did wanna say
was about the parents.
The, former generation tended to
hold onto their houses longer.
Susan: Yes.
Heidi: They were the home base.
And it wasn't the case in, my situation
because of divorces and things like that,
but my mother and father-in-law's house.
That was where we went.
Susan: Mm-hmm.
Heidi: That was the gathering place.
Right.
They had, they always had the extra
rooms with the extra beds made up.
Susan: Right.
Heidi: And it, you could
go and spend the night.
The kids could go to Mama and
Poppa's and spend the night.
So there was always that gathering
space, and having that for our kids
and potentially grandchildren, if
they decide to have kids or are
able to, that's a nice thought.
I love that, but then do you hold
onto this giant house for gatherings
a couple times a year or- Right
So that's the other-
Susan: Yes
... Heidi: thing that's in the mix because
I do have that fantasy of going to
another country with my husband.
And it's just like- ... ooh, that
sounds so exotic and so great, but the
reality of it is I am not accessible
and they're not accessible to me.
So not only am I not there for
them, but they're not there for me.
And as I get older They're
more my friends now.
Yeah.
They're, like, we have those really
great conversations, and we get to
hang out together and things like that.
so it's-
Susan: Yeah.
Yep
... Heidi: it's a lot in the mix.
Susan: Yep.
Yep.
So a little bit of background with my kids
is, we lived in New York, and we moved
to Georgia, to Savannah, Georgia back in
2013, and we were there for two years.
Then we moved up closer to Atlanta
to, , to north suburbs, Buford area.
But we lived there for,
I think, three years.
Then we moved again.
So we have moved, is my point, right?
Yeah.
And I think anybody listening who has
had that kind of background, , where
they moved a lot, that when we moved
here to this house, I really felt it
was important for this to be the home,
like you were calling the home base.
I wanted it to be a stable, place
for my kids, for my husband's kids.
, Not that they moved around a lot,
but , they're going back and forth
between houses on visitation.
They did move a couple times.
, And I thought if we could just be
that, steadfast, , solid ground for
the kids, I really like that idea.
So the idea of moving, even though
selfishly I'm like, "Oh, that would
be so nice to move and live somewhere
else, and I can live my life."
Like, what?
I'm not living it now?
But I, I really like, I like this,
? - Heidi: Yeah
... Susan: anyway, it's l-
not an easy decision.
I remember
Heidi: when you
Susan: moved into
Heidi: that house.
Yeah.
You, you said that, and I thought-
Yeah ... oh, that's really nice.
Yeah.
Because you have moved so much, and your-
Yeah ... family has gone through so many
iterations - Yeah ... over the years.
And I, love that you wanted to do that
for your kids and for yourself- Yeah.
Mm-hmm ... and to have that, that
home base and, and then you did.
So I think that's- Yeah ... really
amazing, and now you're extending
that into their adulthood, which
I think, is really special.
And it doesn't come without challenges,
which we will pick up in another
episode some of the challenges that come
along with living with adult children,
specifically in a blended family,
where one of the partners is not the
children's parent, the biological parent.
And in your case, you have the Brady
Bunch family, which- ... is six kids.
But we will definitely pick
up that conversation because
I think that is a really...
That's tricky, like how do you find
intimate time with your husband when
you have adult children at home?
We will continue that in another episode.
So I hope you stick around.
Susan, thank you so much for-
Yeah ... for having this conversation.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
And, we will definitely be
continuing in another episode.
Susan: Appreciate it.
Love you.
Heidi: Love you.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you enjoyed this conversation
around adult children living at home.
It was such a great conversation for
both of us that we decided to do a
part two, and we will talk more on
what it looks like when the adult
children are part of a blended family.
Part two will be coming out
in Patreon as a bonus episode.
Another great thing about becoming
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I really appreciate you guys joining and
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Thanks so much, and we'll
see you in the next episode
And now for the disclaimer.
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not intended as professional advice.
The views expressed are of our own
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