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For anyone who’s been in the opposite place of where they want to be 🩷
Real talk, raw truth and a little sparkle ✨ Kirby discuses sex, relationships, ditching alcohol and what it means to really be happy 🌸
Hey, it's Kirby Myers and you are
listening to Behind The Blonde.
So this is a podcast for anyone
who's ever been in the opposite
place of where they want to be.
This episode is actually coming
out on New Year's Eve Day.
Which is very fitting in a way
I had, you know, given up alcohol
and nicotine almost five years ago,
And I'd realized that I had really
become anchored to marijuana as well.
It was something I was treating
myself with in the evenings
and then slowly realized that
I was addicted to that as well.
'cause that's how my fabulous, fun
fucking brain works, . So, my last
episode two weeks ago, we took
last week off, was talking about.
Giving yourself grace through the rut.
I was feeling really down.
I'd gotten sick, my kids weren't with
me for Christmas, so it'd been kind
of a perfect storm this month in the
sense of not feeling good, physically
then not feeling good mentally.
About four months after I made the
decision to remove marijuana, I
decided to smoke over Christmas break.
I let that first wave of the 15 minutes,
of craving pass, I let another wave pass.
And hours later I was still
wanting to do it I wanted to smoke
pot because I wanted to escape.
I wanted to give myself a couple of days
while my kids were gone , to not wanna
get up, to just binge watch TV and order
some food and just be all like comfy,
cozy on the couch and totally blah.
Well, guess what?
Blah doesn't work for my brain,
I think life is a series of
figuring out your programming.
Over and over again until
you get it just right.
I think I'm realizing that it wasn't
this call for THC, it was I just
wanted to be less visible for a moment.
I wanted to be less.
Responsible, less in command,
so today I wanna talk about that
really grounded realization that
comes with a lot of discomfort.
You can feel very wildly
uncomfortable in your own body
with still giving yourself grace.
So I'm in this weird paradox right
now where I'm not mad at myself.
I'm like, you're human.
It's okay.
You made a choice.
But I'm sharing this with you because.
Whether it is alcohol or whether it
is marijuana, or whether it is food,
or whether it is other compulsions
or things that you deal with that
you know every time you do them, they
don't sit well, they don't linger well.
Your brain doesn't react to them in
whatever way you want them to react to.
And I had gotten it pretty close to
right after I gave up the marijuana.
And let me tell you, my brain, my
programming told me so quickly that
that is not a component, that is not
a data piece, that is not a chip.
That is supposed to be in my brain
and so my whole invitation to
you today is whenever you make a
decision that you realize after
the fact didn't sit right, use it.
As data collection.
So now that I'm starting to look at
really the way that I'm programmed,
I'm starting to continue to collect
data on myself so that I can have that
information every time I move forward.
Not looking at it like failure,
but looking at it as this
is my own human experience.
And in this particular
experience, I am learning that.
This is the only time for me when doubt
creeps in and doubt is probably the
most dangerous thing that can happen to
my brain because when I start to have
negative thoughts and when I start to
feel fearful, and when I start to feel
uneasy and uncomfortable in my body,
that's when everything else crumbles.
That's when my center point.
Starts to get wobbly and starts
to shift and is no longer
holding on tightly to the tracks.
So it was Christmas Eve
when I ended up doing it.
And I knew right away, call me.
A lot of things, don't call me moderate.
I knew two things, that it was the wrong
decision and that I was gonna do it again.
Um, so yeah, I did it for a couple of days
and what I found the most interesting.
Was the amount of just plain anxiety, it
brought back to my brain that confidence
killer, those normal disruptors that I
guess stand outside at the gates of my
brain and say, no, no, no, you're not
a thought that we wanna let in here.
I'm.
Hyper self-aware.
I always say it's probably the best
and the worst thing about me, I
think that most of us, our biggest
strength is our biggest weakness.
So my hyper, hyper self-awareness is
awesome because I hold myself to this
really high standard and I want to be
really great and be a really great person,
and it comes with a lot of integrity.
And I hold myself, accountable but
with that comes so, so much pressure.
So, so much
unnecessary strain when those
little thoughts come in, I guess
I have some really good little
gatekeepers that say, no, no, no,
we don't want you be gone tutu Lou.
And so what weed does is I did
a lot of research on the Google
to really understand this time.
Remember when I talked about with alcohol,
I wanted to understand, I read this Naked
Mind by Annie Grace, the understanding
to me is what really shifted, with the
alcohol of not wanting to do it anymore
because of how bad it is, for your body,
for your brain, and that really, I knew
physically I didn't feel good, but the
understanding what it did to my brain.
Now, weed can do very different
things to different people.
So for me, understanding that because
of this hyper self-awareness, because
of this hyper, you know, active
brain that I have, for some people
it does allow them to chill out.
It does allow them to calm down.
It does allow them to do what
my intention was, to just have a
lazy holiday on the couch watching
endless episodes of Yellowstone.
Thanks dad, for getting
the hooked on that.
Uh, no.
Instead, my little gatekeepers left,
everything came in, and I just sat there
in a wallow of self-doubt and discomfort.
For me, anxiety is the worst emotion
I've ever experienced because it
feels like I'm a prisoner in my body.
It feels like I want to honestly
like gouge my eyes out when
it's at the worst, and I haven't
felt that in a really long time.
So it makes sense that when I've come
this far and done this much work on
myself, even though I've been smoking
the last few years, but I have.
I've gotten this much clarity over who I
am and who I'm becoming, and who I want to
be, and waking up and making these choices
every day for the betterment of myself.
It almost makes sense to me that I
had such an insane and am still kind
of having such an insane reaction to
it that a couple days later I'm still
extremely anxious and uncomfortable.
So this is the first time I've ever
been wildly uncomfortable on camera.
Usually love a microphone.
But I decided to get on here and do
it, and ride that wave with you and
let you know that you're not alone.
We all crazy.
Nothing wrong with being a little crazy.
As long as we continue to choose
to understand it, I never wanna
lose my good, crazy, but the bad.
Crazy.
Learning how to keep that at bay
and continuing to collect this data.
So.
Every time something happens like
this, as I move forward, and I think
it's so fitting on New Year's Eve Day
because I don't want you to go into
this new year and think about failures.
I don't want you to set
yourself up for failure.
And I think one of the ways that we don't
set ourselves up for failure, one of the
ways that we set ourselves up for success,
if you will, and the word success, doesn't
mean that we never smoked pot again.
But success means that I took this
moment and instead of hating myself
for it, I am collecting the data.
I am sitting with it.
I am wildly fucking uncomfortable
right now, even while I
have this podcast with you.
I have tears in my eyes because.
Being human is hard and it proves
itself over and over and over again,
no matter how much work we do.
But I'm going to keep doing the work.
I'm going to keep choosing.
So today, I'm choosing.
Tomorrow I'm choosing, and so my
New Year's Eve invitation to you.
Is not to have a resolution,
to not say, I'm gonna do dry
January, or I'm doing 75 hard.
Or I'm gonna lose 15 pounds by
spring break, whatever it might be.
But every day I'm going to
choose clarity and in what ways
can I show up to choose it?
Clarity over everything, because
if I have clarity in my brain, then
I'm making those right decisions.
Every day I'm gonna choose
and then I'm gonna wake up
and I'm gonna choose it again.
So I invite you to choose with me
because we talk about choice by
choice day by day, year by year,
but we can't look at the year.
We can only look at the day.
, And that way if you have a
hiccup, my hiccups lasted a
couple of days over break.
That's okay.
I didn't fail.
I am continuing to succeed
because I'm continuing to choose.
It's about what we are willing to protect.
I know I don't wanna live a life where
I negotiate my confidence anymore
So let's go into this new year.
Not only choosing our clarity, choosing
our confidence, but also choosing
today, meaning giving ourselves
permission to be easier on ourselves.
It is the hardest thing in my life.
I being really kind to myself.
I preach it all the time.
Be kind to others.
I am kind to others.
I embody it.
I know that.
But, but why is it so damn hard sometimes
to be really, really kind to ourselves?
So that's what I'm gonna work on today,
and then I'm gonna wake up tomorrow.
, And I'm gonna choose clarity again, And
I'm gonna choose kindness again, and
I'm gonna keep showing up every week.
And if you like this, don't
forget to like and subscribe and
hit that bell button on YouTube.
'cause I forgot to say that two
episodes ago, I messaged my girlfriend
Maddie, who told me about that.
I was like, dang, Maddie.
I did it one episode and then I forgot.
So thank you.
If you are listening out there
in the podcast or the YouTube
world, it means the world to me.
I almost didn't show up today because I
got so in my head, and again, not because
I felt like a failure, but just I feel
like in this stuck, uncomfortable moment
that I need to pass, I need to get through
this anxiety, I need to wave through it.
And I was talking to my husband about it
and he's like, you love doing this and
this is what your podcast is all about.
This is what.
You do this for, this is why you show
up, to remind yourself and remind
everybody that this human thing is hard.
Just keep showing up and keep choosing.
Happy fucking New Year.
Thanks for listening to Behind the Blonde.