Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
You’re tired.
Not just physically; though yeah, that too.
You’re tired in your bones. In your soul.
Trying to be a steady husband, an intentional dad, a man of God… but deep down, you feel like you’re falling short. Like you’re carrying more than you know how to hold.
Dad Tired is a podcast for men who are ready to stop pretending and start healing.
Not with self-help tips or religious platitudes, but by anchoring their lives in something (and Someone) stronger.
Hosted by Jerrad Lopes, a husband, dad of four, and fellow struggler, this show is a weekly invitation to find rest for your soul, clarity for your calling, and the courage to lead your family well.
Through honest stories, biblical truth, and deep conversations you’ll be reminded:
You’re not alone. You’re not too far gone. And the man you want to be is only found in Jesus.
This isn’t about trying harder.
It’s about coming home.
Hey guys. Welcome back to the Dad Tired podcast. I'm glad that you're here. If you just stumbled upon the podcast, welcome. We're more than just a podcast. We're a community of men from all over the world who are trying to figure out what does it look like for us personally as dudes to fall more in love with Jesus, and then to help our families do the same.
We don't take ourselves too seriously, but we do take Jesus seriously and, uh, we're just trying to stumble closer to him and closer to what it looks like for us to be the men that God's called us to be. So if that resonates with you. We'd love to have you. I was just listening to the, the end of last episode, the very, very end of last episode.
You can go back and listen to it from last week. I could hear my daughter on the recording crying in the background. So that's like how not professional we are. That's how not polished we are. I didn't even know I have these like almost completely noise canceling headphones on when I'm recording the podcast, so I didn't know that there was like screaming going on in the background.
I'm sure my wife was real happy about that. I didn't even notice until I went back and listened to the episode that my daughter had just like fallen and was screaming. She's okay. But anyway, so yeah, we're just a bunch of normal dudes trying to figure out what does it mean for us to lead our family well in the midst of all this chaos.
So you'll probably hear some more screaming in the background. Really excited to jump into today's episode. Speaking of. Screaming. I did a episode a couple weeks ago on discipline, and then I asked my buddy Chris, who has been part of the dad's ministry now for a couple years, he has five kids. I have four.
So he one up me, and for a period he was a single dad. And so I had asked him like, dude, can you record an episode on this and just talk us through what it looks like to discipline well and through the gospel, through the lens of the gospel. And so. Even though I did wanna not too long ago, I wanted to hear his perspective and truthfully like just putting all the cards on the table.
His episode's better if you're gonna pick, if you're gonna pick either going back and listening to mine or listening to his today, I think Chris is, he just nails it like this is a really, really helpful episode. So I love what he had to say and I think it's gonna be really helpful for you as well.
Before we jump into that though, I do want to. Thank my friends over at Samaritan Ministries for sponsoring today's episode. Have a quick question for you before we jump in. Two questions actually. I'm asking first, how are you paying for your family's healthcare? And how is it working out for you? So if it's working out perfectly for you, if you're like, I love our healthcare and the way that we got this all set up, then you can ignore, you can just fast forward what I'm about to say.
But if you feel like it's not working, you should listen to the next few seconds of what I'm gonna tell you because there is a solution, a biblical solution called Samaritan Ministries. Samaritan Ministries is a community of Christians that pay one another's medical bills when they arise. It's not insurance, but it.
Is assurance that you're part of a healthcare sharing community where members care for one another spiritually. Financially when a medical need arises, here's how it works. There's no network restrictions, so when a medical need arises, you get to choose your healthcare provider that's right for you and your family, and you have a say in the type of treatment that you and they receive.
You'll then send your medical bills to Samaritan Ministries. They'll notify fellow members. Of the need. They'll pray for you and then they'll send money directly to you to help pay for those bills. And then when another member has a medical need, you'll do the same for them. This is what biblical healthcare sharing looks like, and it actually might be more affordable than what you're paying right now.
And if it's the right fit, you can even join today. You can learn more by going to samaritan ministries.org/dad tired. Again, that's samaritan ministries.org. Slash dad tired. That being said, let's jump into today's episode.
So today I wanna talk about this idea of, uh, having a game plan. For discipline. I think something that has been interesting for me is I know a lot of you guys know my story. I lost my wife two years ago to suicide, and then I just got remarried six weeks ago to a woman named Carolyn and she took on me and five kids and being the wife of a senior pastor kind of overnight.
So she's a little bit of a superhero, but. She'll watch me, like go into a moment of discipline or correction with my kids. And she always goes like, well, what, what did you just do there? Like, where did you get that from? And I think in some cases you just feel like after a while you get into this rhythm of it.
And, and that can be good and it can be bad 'cause I. Sometimes we can slip into rhythms that are really healthy, where it's like, man, I'm really in my vibe when discipline comes up. I can slow down. I can think clearly, I can make good decisions. I've got all my best, like Danny Tanner speeches ready, you know, from full house where I say the right thing at the right time.
But then I can also get in these seasons and in these ruts where like I just, I'm just responding in anger. You know, I'm just responding in in emotion and. And it's so interesting in a moment of discipline, how kind of consuming and emotional that that can be. Because at the same time you walk in and your kid has done something bad or wrong, or in some cases like evil, you're like, dude, where did you learn how to be that mean?
Where, so you're, you're like equal parts disappointed and you're angry and you are frustrated that you're angry and you are embarrassed. At what your kid did, but then you're embarrassed at yourself because he kind of did exactly what you would've done in the same situation. And those are all the emotions that go through my head.
And I think it's Roosevelt who says, if you make a speech in anger, it'll be the best speech you've ever regretted. And, and I can feel that on like a visceral level when it comes to disciplining the kids because I, I. I feel like there's the Chris Silk and I wanna be when I'm disciplining. And the one that can teach ideas like this, like I, I run a parenting seminar out here in San Diego and like I can say all the right things, but then when that moment comes, it just feels like all bets are off.
So what I've found and kind of helping us, Carolyn's been asking me like, Hey, what's your process? I, I tend to spell it out and I, I tend to see my life through a systematic lens. And maybe you're built like me, but. I wanted to give this to you. It's just an eight step process, and it starts out pretty rigid.
You know, I feel like when even watching Carolyn begin to discipline, it feels like it's pretty rigid to start out with of, oh, step one, oh, step two, and then after a while it becomes more so familiar that you don't really even appeal to the process anymore. Or I just keep a note on my phone and I'm able to refer to it when I'm like talking to her and everything, and she's been such a trooper in it, but.
It's been so helpful that I thought that I would share it. And in talking to Jared, I thought it'd be a great way to, to figure out how we can have a working plan and as anything with the Dad Tired podcast, I'm just a moron dad out in San Diego, California, trying to raise my kids in Babylon. You know, like with all of the pressures of modern society and hoping they grow up to know Jesus while I'm learning how to follow Jesus myself, like I, I feel like I'm a child, parenting children and doing my best, but.
I'm so far from perfect that it's not even funny. So whatever part of this is helpful, take it. Whatever's not helpful, throw it out. But this is all derived actually out of Genesis chapter three where we watch God disciplining Adam and Eve him coming into the garden. Realizing that they've rebelled against him.
He gives a response, a appropriate response. He sets up discipline. He responds the way that we would expect him to. He executes the discipline. It's just the great way of, of understanding maybe what we should do in situations that are similar. So here's the process. I'm gonna give it to you and I'll couple breaks in here for us to define some things.
But here's essentially the process. Let's say I walk into the living room and I tell my son, Leo, his, his full name's Leonis. But if I say, Leo, it's time for bed Bud. Go ahead and put that remote down. And I can tell he is a little bit miffed. He doesn't really wanna turn it off. It's like Spy Kids. He loves Spy Kids or Power Rangers.
He loves Power Rangers. So. He's a little bit upset. He knows that he can't outright like throw a tantrum 'cause that's really gonna end poorly. So instead he like grabs the remote control and I can tell he is gonna throw it across the room at like the couch on the other side of the room. And so I just go, Leo, I.
Do not throw that remote young man. And then he kinda looks at me and then he just lets it go. And as he is doing it, you can tell it's like that slow mo movement in like the sandlot where the, the, the character's like running back to go catch the ball and you see the ball and the, the guy running and then the ball and the guy running and it just shows him back and forth until he finally catches it.
And there's like, it's like slow mo for Leo. Like, oh no, that was a terrible decision. And I see it and I'm like looking at him like, in what world is this gonna end well for you? And he's thinking, I don't know what I'm thinking. Right. That's like. Clearly the, the brokenness of sin inside of him, and it's just not a fun situation.
It's like, I don't want to be here, and then I get a little bit miffed because you've made me do something like I wanted to go get ready for bed. I don't want to have this big teaching moment. I don't. But unfortunately, from the moment that Leo was conceived. That is now my responsibility. I don't get to tap out of it.
I don't get to relinquish it. I am called to be an ambassador for Christ, so this is my time to demonstrate to Leo that you cannot disobey your father. Why? Because I don't want Leo to grow up and think that he can disobey his heavenly Father. So I'm gonna connect rebellion with pain to him. When you rebel against father, there is pain, not because I'm megalomaniacal or not because I'm egomaniac or some level of deep haughtiness.
Or pride, but instead to say, I don't give you rules. Because it's fun to give rules. I give rules like, don't go the remote because if you don't appreciate the value of things that money buys and you get older, you might not appreciate the value of an honest day's work of meeting deadlines at your job.
'cause you don't care about money and you don't care about money because every time you break something growing up, dad buys you a new one. Right? So I need him to connect that moment of potentially breaking something that belongs to me. With paint, because if you grow up and you borrow someone's truck and you're running into a pole, and then you return the keys and say, sorry, it doesn't drive anymore.
You're not gonna have friends, you might get sued, you might lose your own life. Like there's. He needs to learn this lesson when he is young and the stakes are low because if it takes until you're older and the stakes are higher, then he's really gonna experience pain. So it's my job, it's time. My dad responsibility has just been triggered.
I now need to respond to my kid. And so I jump into this process, it discipline time. And so the first thing in my process is to ask myself the question, am I calm? And am I ready to respond with both grace and truth? These words, grace and truth. We find 'em in John one when Jesus is being announced by the gospel writer John.
He says, Jesus was a man who was sent to us full of grace and truth. So Jesus was not just a grace God. He was a grace and truth God, he wasn't just a truth God, he was a grace In truth God, he was a man who perfectly embodied the character of God. In his divinity that showed us that there's a way to lovingly tell someone that what they just did was wrong and never to let up one side or the other.
Okay? Truth without grace is brutality, but grace without any truth is sentimentality. And we want a combination of the both of those things. So sometimes I need to take a minute. Sometimes if I hear the crash of something, I have to. Walk in the room and then I gotta count to 30 or I gotta go, go, Hey guys, I've got five kids, so Peyton, Albert, Brady, Leo, Finley, I need you to go in your room.
Gimme 10 minutes. I'll be in there in a minute to tell you what's gonna happen next. And certainly they don't think they've gotten off the hook. They're freaking out the whole time, what's gonna happen? But I just need to clear my head. I gotta let my spirit catch up with my flesh and I gotta calm down a little bit.
That's the first step of my process. Am I calm and am I ready to respond with grace and truth? Number two, I gotta ask myself a really important question. Have I set clear expectations regarding this behavior? So let's say Brady is, goes into my bedroom and he sees a baseball on my mantle in there, and he doesn't know that it's actually a, it's a baseball sign by Clayton Kershaw, who's one of my favorite baseball players of all time.
And he takes that ball and he goes in the backyard and he takes the new bat. I just bought him and he starts hitting it. None of that would be an issue normally except for the ball that he chose to use, and he hits it towards the pool and it launches over the fence and goes into the pool. Then he comes and gets me, he goes, dad, I hit the ball in the pool.
Well, maybe I haven't set clear expectations regarding, Hey, Brady, you don't touch this ball. So I gotta figure out is this really worth disciplining or is this just a momentary time to say, Hey, lemme tell you the value of this ball. And you know what, let me just set a, a general principle. If there's anything in my room that you see that you wanna hit with a bat, why don't you come and find me first and let's have a conversation.
So am I calm and ready to respond with grace and truth? That's number one. Number two, have I set clear expectations regarding this behavior? I. In other words, when I go outside, is Brady gonna look at me like, oh no, I did something wrong. Or is he gonna think. What's wrong with this? Have I set clear expectations regarding this behavior?
Part of that's gonna help me with number three. Number three is what I call diagnosing the degree. Hey guys, hope you're enjoying the episode so far. Definitely stick around 'cause it's gonna get even better as we continue deeper into this episode. Did wanna remind you that we are kind of in a season of generosity one, asking you what it would.
Look like for you to be generous and partner with us as a ministry to see the gospel spread all throughout the world, but also we as a ministry are asking ourselves, what would it look like for us to be generous to you and to the rest of the world? To see the gospel expanded for his glory? And so we're just trying to think of ways, and we're really in a season of prayer.
Asking God, Lord, we want to be generous with this platform. You've given us lots of guys who are listening to this podcast every week, and we want to figure out how can we as a ministry, bless people, be salt and light, be generous. I. Add value, add light to where there's darkness. And so my ask from you this week is would you join us in prayer?
If you are one of the dads that consider yourself part of the dad tired ministry, as I'm asking you to be generous and to consider partnering with us. By the way, we do have a donor who is matching dollar for dollar every donation that we get through the end of the year. So if you want to, we are a nonprofit.
If you want to donate, please. Partner with us in that way, but also would you join us in praying about what would it look like for us as a large group of dads, maybe the largest group of dads in the country who are seeking Jesus together? What would it look like for us to intentionally try to be a blessing to those in need around us?
Whether that is a dad going through a divorce or in deep marital crisis right now, whether that's a child who does not have a dad around, who needs a man who loves Jesus. Around as a mentor. There are many things that we're considering and praying about, but my ask again from you right now is that you would just pause and ask yourself, like, Lord, can I be part of this?
And what would it look like for us as a dad's tired community to really love on people? Well. In this coming year. So again, you can make donations that dad's hired every dollar's being matched through the end of the year, absolutely incredible what's happening there. And also, what would it look like for us as a ministry to be generous to the world around us?
I think that's what it would look like. I think that's what it looks like for Christians to come together and to be generous and to think through how they can be generous to the world around them. So anyway, dad tire.com/donate. If you wanna make a donation there. And then also just pray with us and if you feel like God's stirring some ideas in you.
Reach out to us and, uh, let's brainstorm together on how we can be a blessing to the world. Alright, let's jump back into the discipline stuff. So when, if I'm teaching like a parenting seminar or anything, what I came up with that I use in my household that you're free to take and use and steal, I found that sometimes the depth that my kids would get disciplined or punished was built on a variety of factors that didn't have to do with the actual offense itself.
For instance, I might walk in and my kid. And I was taking the, maybe I told them, don't take the cap pen or the pen cap off of this pen. I put it next to their bed and I say, you know what? Just don't touch this pen. And so they pick it up to like look at it after I leave the room. And they don't really understand why I said that.
I. And as they go to open up the pen, it blows up everywhere and it's stained the sheets and the wall and the carpet and everything. Now what's interesting is they literally, if they would've just taken the pen cap off and I would've walked in with them having the pen cap off and it would've had no collateral damage, I would've disciplined them in the same way I would if they would've disobeyed me.
By doing what I told 'em not to do. So I really don't want to discipline them because it caused a much bigger issue, right? Like that shouldn't ground them for life just because their simple obedience led to a bigger consequence, right? Like, yes, it's super different if the consequences are different. If I tell 'em, obviously don't hit your sister, and then they just start wailing on 'em and I can't stop them, and they're throwing a tantrum and they're just keep like, it's never happened before.
But if that were to happen, that's definitely different because you have gone above and beyond. So. I gotta diagnose the degree. How much did you just disobey me? And it can't just correlate with how much work I'm gonna have to do to clean up this mess or 'cause how much they disobeyed is the same, whether they push the flower jar on the ground and it stays intact.
Or if they do it and it blows up and goes all over the. House and in the heating vents, they still committed the same crime, just the ramifications of, or were much more, but I need to punish what happened, not the consequences thereof. So I need to punish the fact that you push something on the floor that I told you not to, not that I've gotta get a new HVAC system.
So diagnosing the degree, I use this kind of the same idea of like the penal justice system, which is, we've got, the first thing is when you disobey in the first degree. Disobedience in the first degree. These things just help me to know how I'm gonna punish or how I'm going to discipline so that I'm not just always using some form of corporal punishment or, but I'm also not letting things that that deserve stronger punishment go unchecked.
So this is a process that helps me to sort through those things. The first one's disobedience in the first degree. This is premeditated and deliberate. I use a three Ds of first degree disobedience for this. Number one is deliberate disobedience. Number two is dishonesty, and the third is disrespect.
Those three things are always crimes in the first degree in my household. So the three D's, deliberate disobedience. Number two is dishonesty, and the third is disrespect. Those are the three things that always are crimes in the first degree. So deliberate disobedience is the simple Leo, do not throw that remote and he stares in the eye and then he throws it.
It's the, if you hit your sister, you will be punished and then boom, there it is. It's deliberate disobedience. Second one's dishonesty. Right. They always know what truth is and they always know what a lie is. Right. I'm, I'm not making it unclear for them. Did you go into the bathroom when I told you not to?
Uh, no, I didn't. Okay. I just saw you. Right. So it's, it's dishonesty and then it's disrespect if there's any level of like. I'm gonna roll my eyes at you, or I'm gonna say whatever under my breath when you're talking to me. Those are always gonna be crimes in the first degree in my household. Every household's different.
Everyone does it differently, but for me, this would be a spanking for us and that's how we would execute that punishment. Disobedience in the second degree, I call that like a crime of passion. Okay, so, or ri, this is like aggravated assault or aggravated whatever, which means. I really get why you did it.
You know, like it might be your brother's really bugging you, and this is a crime of passion. So let's say I say. The kids are yelling in the backseat, and I say, do not stop talking so loud like you guys stop yelling in the backseat. And it's about five minutes later. And my son Peyton, is trying to get the better of my daughter Harper.
So he's poking her, poking her, poking her, poking her, and then she says, stop it, stop it, stop it. And then she finally goes, stop it. Right? So she's broken my rule because she's in a moment of passion. And so she still needs to be disciplined, but it's not first degree because it's a response to an external stimuli of some sort, right?
So she's responding to something else that's going on. She wants to obey. She had every intention of obeying, but she was kind of pushed into disobedience. So I would call that a crime in the second degree I. For us, if it was something that she said, it might be a, like a thump on the mouth when we get home, it's, it's not gonna hurt her.
None of this should really be like super hurtful. It's just that it's enough to correct the behavior. And then the crime in the third degree, or disobedience in the third degree is, it could be like forgotten obedience or just an unwise choice. Peyton's trying to carry three plates to the table. He is trying to be helpful, but he's carrying three plates to the table rather than two, and he's made a a bad choice.
So I'm just going, Hey man, it's a verbal correction. Hey, that was not wise. Come on. That's not who we are. Hey, knock that off. Right? So it's still uncomfortable because they wanna be on my good side, or they want to have a good response from me. They're not gonna get one. They're gonna get. A moment of feeling a little bit disappointed and it's gonna be brief and momentary and I'm not really disappointed in them.
I just need to correct the behavior. Or it could be forgotten obedience. You know, maybe last year at Thanksgiving I told them, told Peyton, you can't cut with anything more than a butter knife. And now he's holding like a steak knife. And I'm going, Hey bud, come on. We can't use that. Let's go. So that's gonna be crime in the third degree and that's just gonna get that verbal response, verbal correction, make sure we're on the same page.
So that's the diagnose the degree. So number one, am my calm. Number two, clear expectations. Number three, have I diagnosed the degree? 'cause then I'm ready to execute punishment. I do so by starting with number four, which is I side with them against their sin. I don't side with their sin against them. It's not like I, I don't go stand next to Harper and go, me and Harper are really mad at you.
I act almost like I'm being controlled by a third party parent justice system that makes me do what I'm doing. 'cause honestly, that's kinda what happens. Sometimes I don't feel like parenting, sometimes I don't feel like disciplining. Sometimes I don't feel like getting up from the couch and the football game to go do what I need to do, but.
I have been given a set of expectations from the Lord that tells me that I need to execute punishment in this moment. So I use the phrase uhoh, so I'm calm, I've set expectations. This is a first degree crime that I'm gonna go, uh oh. Almost as like, Hey man, I'm, I'm now prompted against my will to do what I didn't want to do.
Uhoh. Here we go. Then a number five is I familiarize them with the offense as needed. So Uhoh Leo, I told you not to throw that, and then you did exactly what I told you not to do, so I'm letting them know the offense even to the degree of what it was. I told you this and you deliberately disobeyed what I said, and then I'm gonna execute discipline swiftly.
That's number six. Execute discipline swiftly. So in my calm, clear expectations. Diagnose degree side with them, familiarize them with the offense as needed. Number six is execute discipline swiftly. Whatever this is for you and your household, this is when this happens. It should be relative to the punishment, or the punishment should be relative to the crime.
It should never be done in anger. It should never be out of control. It should never be excessive. It should never be neglectful. Our kids should never experience a lack of love from us, and I really don't think that that corporal punishment counts as a lack of love. The Bible seems to indicate that's not the case.
I, I think when I say lack of love, I think if you start demoralizing your child or telling them that you can't believe what they're doing or that they're so worthless or whatever, that is far outside the bounds of discipline. The only kind of discipline that's helpful. This is. A good reminder, only disciplined discipline is discipline.
Undisciplined Discipline is abuse, right? That's important for us to remember. Disciplined. Discipline is discipline. Undisciplined discipline is abusive, and it's confusing, and it's how are you simultaneously the guy who loves me and the guy who hurts me without reason or without cause or over does it.
And I think we can feel that when it's happening in our hearts too. Number seven, then I'm gonna remind them lovingly of their status. Hey, bud, that was a mistake, but that's not who you are. That's just what you did. I'm always gonna bring them in. I'm, I'm gonna break the touch bear by hugging them and holding them.
Sometimes they really don't want to, and so I'm gonna let 'em know like, Hey, the safest place to be is inside dad's arms. I know you don't like me very much right now, but this is what I've been called to do and I love you so much. And so I just want you to know that and I want you to feel that. And I want you to feel that you're safe with me.
And that's number seven. Remind them lovingly of their status. I'm your dad, you're always gonna be my kid. This doesn't change any of that. You messed up. We punished what was messed up and we're moving forward. We're done with it. It's removed and God removes my MN as far as the east is from the west. And as far as you and I are concerned, kid, this is done.
It's buried, it's done away with. And then lastly is I reinstitute boundaries if needed for the same behavior. So after that, after I reinstitute it or after I remind them, I'm gonna reinstitute, I'm just gonna say, and then Leo, next time when dad says, put it down, it's gotta be done right away. Okay? What does obedience mean?
I always tell my kids What's obedience and they need to respond. Obedience is right away the right way without complaining. I said, yep. That's what obedience means in our family. So next time I tell you, put the remote down and you do it right away. Not after you throw it just right away. You understand me?
Yep. Then we're good and we've moved forward and that's the process. Am I calm and ready? Have I set clear expectations? Diagnose the degree side with them against their sin, familiarize them with the offenses needed, execute discipline swiftly, remind them lovingly of their status, then re-institute boundaries if needed.
So what's interesting about that is this is the exact process we see play out in Genesis chapter three, where God talks to his, his kids, Adam and Eve. And if you've ever been a little bit. Disappointed in yourself as a parent because your kids are rebelling. Just remember, Adam and Eve had the best dad ever and they ate of the fruit.
Okay? So just give yourself a little bit of credit here. They eat from the knowledge of the, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, which was clearly against the rules. They already knew the rules. They both have recited the rules. So the expectations were very clear. And here's what happens. When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eyes she ate, it gave us into her husband, their eyes were opened and allowed this part, they realized they were naked.
So they covered themselves by sewing fig leaves together. This is what we do in sin, isn't it? We cover ourselves. We, we get embarrassed. We get. Shameful. We feel shame and that informs us so much that we need to be reminded that that's not who we are. That's just what we've done. So here comes God, what does God do in response to these things?
He doesn't billow angrily from the clouds and go, how dare you? This is so interesting. He doesn't say, how dare you? He says, where are you? He doesn't say, how could you? He says, where are you? See, that's a bid of relationship. It's, I'm seeking you. Right? The first evangelist in scripture is not Paul. It's not Steven.
It's not Isaiah, the first evangelist. The first person who calls people to the Lord is the Lord himself. He's the first evangelist. Where are you? He goes to find them. Then Adam says, I heard you were in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid. He says, who told you you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?
Right. This is the uhoh. What did I say about this? Right? He's talking to an adult, so he is not using that kind of language, but this is the same idea here. The man, instead of using apology language, and this is always something that I would do your best, that I, I think it's been really helpful for me in parenting my kid.
And if it's helpful for you, great. But I always tell my kid, apology diminishes the punishment. If I walk in there and I told you, don't play with that ball in my room, and you've played with the ball and it's hit something and you did it with your sister, you and your sister in there, and you play with that together and it hits them, and I come and I say, what happened?
If the first words out of your mouth aren't. I'm so sorry, dad, we messed up. If the first words outta your mouth are, will Brady threw it or Will Harper made me? Will she? She put, I always tell 'em, I look at them and I stare at them and I just, I take my thumb and I start pointing it upwards. Like I start moving it up and down, looking upwards going, this is get, you're making it worse.
You're making it worse. You're making it worse. And then they see my thumb and they go, oh, oh, shoot. Hey, sorry dad. We really messed up. Why? Because I'm teaching them in their life. You tell me if this is true for your life. It certainly is in my life when I choose apologies rather than excuses, the punishment's always, 98% of the time, the the punishment is diminished.
So I'm teaching them, it's a discipleship principle. If you, when you disobey, move towards apology rather than excuses, your punishment will be less. So as the longer they make excuses, the more I go, oh, it's getting worse. It's getting worse. Certainly they can explain themselves and go, dad, it was the dog.
Right. Or they can explain themselves and go, dad, I didn't even touch the ball. I was just in the room. And then I'll get to the bottom of that as much as I need to. But if they clearly are both guilty of it, then them talking about it's not gonna help at all except to say, dad, I'm so sorry. And they know that means the, the punishment will be less painful.
That means the grounding will be less lengthy. Apologies. Does that, it does that in life. It does that in this situation. And so I wanna make that connection for them. I'm teaching them that rebellions can equal pain, but also that apologies can diminish that and that excuses are gonna exacerbate that. So Adam chooses excuses.
The woman made me do it right, and then here comes a swift punishment. The sa, the serpent is cursed. Woman's gonna have childbearing. Man is gonna have toil, and then here's how he restores them. The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothe them. You one that's so, this is so interesting to think about.
The first time death enters the picture in human history is when God sacrifices something so that man and woman could be covered. This is the picture of the gospel. The Lord sacrifices his own son to make atonement. That's what that word means for covering to make atonement or to make a covering for us as his kids, where we were shameful and naked and broken.
He sacrifices his own son and he makes a covering of the cross for our sins and the Lord God said. The man like one of us now knowing good and evil, he must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take from it and also live forever. So he banishes them from the Garden of Eden. So what does he do? He re institutes boundaries with them.
Hey, you've messed up. This is what I asked you to do. This is what happened. From now on, we're not gonna get to go into the garden at all because you keep doing what I tell you not to do. So sometimes the consequences are forbidding something, and then sometimes it's just setting stricter boundaries. Hey, I told you that.
You can't hit balls this direction, you're gonna be punished right now. But I'm also gonna, I think we're probably a little bit too young to be hitting with a metal bat just yet, so we're gonna take that away. So reinstituting those boundaries. Hey, next time this happens, here's what I gotta see. Hey, next time I ask you, don't go the remote.
We gotta put it down right away. And, and I think if there's one way to look at a good word, picture of how we ought to parent and discipline. He's got to be the, the gold standard of it. So if that's helpful for you, take it, chew the meat, spit out the bones of, of what is and what isn't helpful for you.
But that's something that we have found to be helpful as we process what it means to parent, especially when we walk into a situation with anger. I'll walk these through through with you one more time as we wrap up. Number one, am I calm and ready to respond with grace and truth. Number two, have I set clear expectations regarding this behavior?
Number three, have I diagnosed the degree? Number four, have I sided with them against their sin? Number five, have I familiarized them with the offense if they don't know, or just to reiterate it. Number six, execute discipline swiftly. Number seven, remind them lovingly of their status, and number eight, reinstitute boundaries if needed so they don't repeat the same behavior.
As always, I'm just a dad trying to dad my best. I love the heart of dad tired and Jared all the time. I love getting to work with them and, and all you guys in the community have dad tired as we just kind of trudge towards the cross every day and lay ourselves bare before and say, God, make me a better dad.
Make me a better husband. Make me a better follower of you. Another one just like you, trying to get it figured out full of mistakes and mess ups. This is one thing that's helped me do that a little bit less when I slow down and think about it. It's helpful for you. Use it. If not, we love you guys so much here on the Dad Tired podcast.
We'll see you next time.
Hey guys, as always, I hope that these episodes are helpful for you on your spiritual journey. Our goal is to equip you with the, the tools that you need to feel confident to lead your family well. We want to point you to Jesus, give you really practical stuff so that you have the confidence to go back home and to live out your best job.
Uh, whatever's on your business card doesn't really matter at the end of the day. Uh, obviously it can be used in big ways for at your work, for the kingdom and glory of God, but the biggest impact that you'll make in your life is the way that you love your family. Well. And so we're trying to help you the best that we can feel confident in that area, and I hope that this episode was helpful for you in that way.
Again, if you feel like this is a ministry that God is using in your life and could be helpful in other guys lives, we would love for you to partner with us. We are a nonprofit. If you go to dad tire.com/donate, we rely heavily on your donations. We do have a donor who is incredibly generous, who is offering to match dollar for dollar every donation up until $30,000.
Before the end of the year. And so if you want to give in that way so that we can create more of these resources to love on people, better to see the gospel expanded all throughout the world, we would love to have you do that again. Also asking that you join us. We are trying to, as a ministry think through how to be more generous.
To give, give, give. We wanna see the gospel given away and equipping all kinds of men all throughout the world, and so partner with us in that way by just praying and dreaming and asking the Holy Spirit to give us clarity. All right. I love you guys. I'll see you next week.