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The Bigger Why is a long-form podcast exploring meaning, growth, mindset, purpose and the decisions that shape a life and drive behavior.
Hosted by Sam Weber, the show features unhurried conversations with founders, CEOs, authors, creators, artists, actors, investors and thought leaders about focus, ambition, failure, regret, triumph, philosophy, personal growth and the stories behind success, sacrifices made, lessons gleaned and wisdom embodied along the way.
00:00:00 Speaker: A self-fulfilling prophecy where you think you're that person. There really isn't an actual oneself as I'm the screw up, or I'm the fuck up, or I play a certain role working sort of in a cohesive unit. You know, ultimately it's a language and you can give off different messages. The idea of identifying with a certain trait can be helpful, that you identify with a certain culture or a certain way of being. Hello. Welcome back to another episode. For those new to this channel, my name is Sam Weber. I am a content creator, a music artist, um, a corporate attorney. And so for those who are new to the channel, just want to say welcome aboard. Um, I'm kind of using this platform as a way of just sharing ideas and, uh, things that are of interest to me. Hopefully if you're, you know, following me, they're of interest to you as well. And so the topic that I wanted to talk about today is really this idea of there being a self. Um, we tend to think of ourselves as this structure, um, that has all this baggage to it that's been defined in a certain way that isn't really, um, changeable or moldable, almost as if it's fixed. We give ourselves labels and say, I am this or I am the class clown. Uh, you know, I am smart. Um, I am successful sort of these labels, which we then identify with and hold ourselves to those labels. Um, the idea of identifying with a certain trait can be helpful in certain ways, such that if you think you're someone who is an ethical person, you may always act ethical. If you think of yourself as someone who pursues, uh, you know, justice or, um, certain positive values, it can be good. But at the same time, on the opposite end of the spectrum is it can be bad if someone has a negative view of themselves or thinks of themselves, um, as I'm the screw up or I'm the fuck up, or I play a certain role, then it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy where you think you're that person, and therefore you need to continue playing that role, thereby entering into this, this sort of like loop, this feedback loop whereby you act a certain way based on what you think you are, and then other people see that and they kind of validate those messages that you're putting out about yourself. And then that reinforces your initial hypothesis, which was that you are this type of person. Um, but the reality is, is, um, there really isn't an actual oneself. You're comprised of multiple different parts. And I don't mean to necessarily get at this from even a IFS or internal family systems model of the self, but really, you know, you just from a biological and physical standpoint are really an amalgamation of various different organisms, some, uh, which are even foreign working sort of in a cohesive unit, um, from one moment to the next moment. And so even the past is something that is really mostly a story that you tell yourself about yourself. And obviously, um, you know, there is no actual objective truth in the sense of, um, you have your view on events that have occurred, but memory is, can be really, really, really faulty and you can have a view of what you think other people may believe about yourself. And those views may not necessarily be accurate. And so it's really easy to slip into this modality of thinking about yourself as this fixture that can't be changed. Um, that's kind of a lost cause or just, you know, you've always done things a certain way and kind of easy to fall into those same patterns, but in reality, it's a new choice that you're making each and every day, each and every moment, each and every second. And so you can really change your identity drastically in an instant. You can change the way you dress, you know, dressing and aesthetics and fashion is really almost its own language. It's a signal that you identify with a certain culture or a certain way of being. You know, maybe if you're someone who's wearing black turtlenecks all the time, people will say, oh, maybe this person identifies as sort of this, uh, kind of Silicon Valley type entrepreneur who looks up to Steve. Steve Jobs. If someone dresses in a very flamboyant way, maybe people make certain assumptions about them in, in that manner. And so, um, you know, ultimately it's a language and you can give off different messages and you could change the language through your style of dress. Um, your, the people you surround yourself with, you can always choose. It might be difficult, but you can always choose if someone or a group of people are not conducive to building the life that you want to build, you can always replace, um, those people or sort of go in and out of different friend groups or different social settings and social structures based on who you think fits the values and where you're trying to go. Um, and you can, If if needed, you can, you know, change the, the, the friendships and the relationships that you have. Ideally, you could maybe work on existing dynamics, but if not, you can always just opt out altogether. Um, you can change your belief systems. Um, and whether those are secular belief systems or religious belief systems, um, all belief systems are things that were taught to you by humans. Um, you know, if it's a religious group, then there's certain dogmas that, or traditions that have been, you know, passed down to you. Um, but ultimately it's for you to sort of figure out whether or not and to what extent those things really align with your philosophies, um, or not. And so the point being is that you can really change your circumstances if you're living in, in, in one state or one neighborhood, you can always pick up and pack your bags and move elsewhere. And maybe, of course, there's, you know, it's easier said than done. Like there's certainly you have roots, um, you know, where you are and maybe there's a community that, you know, but the point is in the end, you know, for in the end it really is your prerogative, your decision to kind of continue along the path that you've been on. And each and every moment is sort of a vote to say, this is the reality that I want. And every action you take is a vote for that future for yourself. And so, you know, whether or not you were cool in high school or you've gotten great grades historically, or if you were popular, or if other people, um, attributed a certain attribute to you say you're smart or you're funny. And maybe that can be for better or worse, maybe that could be a confidence booster. Maybe suddenly you think that's true about yourself and now you identify with that. But maybe it can be a burden where you constantly think you need to make people laugh, or you need to constantly get one hundred seconds on every single test, or you need to make a lot of money, or you need to be successful in your career. So these are all things that while they may help you, they can also be sort of locking you into a certain role. I tend to like to iterate, um, which is, which is why I have these like music and, um, sort of this and my legal career and my family life as, because I recognize that there's different parts of myself, that parts of myself that I want to explore and to constantly fit one sort of version or iteration or idea. Um, you know, I find can get a little static. And so it's fun to sort of play on play with these different hats and these different personalities. At the end of the day, a lot of it is really, we think of when we interact with someone like this is my personality and, but different relationship structures will bring out different sides of you. So you might be more serious when you speak to one person and you might be a total goofball when you speak to somebody else and they bring out a different aspect of your personality. And if you think about like when you haven't met someone, maybe for a really long time, um, and maybe it's someone from high school, suddenly you might slip back into that old way of being just because that relationship with that person, you sort of, um, kind of you're very familiar with the certain dynamic that you had. And so it's easy to slip back into that dynamic. And maybe a lot of people get this with family. You know, if you go to family for holidays, or maybe it's Thanksgiving or maybe it's, uh, you know, a few times a year, July fourth, like suddenly you might find yourself in a family setting and a family setting may put you back into a certain role that you had within your family growing up. And suddenly you find it very difficult to break out of that role. Um, and so in those settings, it might be much more difficult for you to recognize that, hey, you've grown just because the personality that you're used to in that structure and the dynamics, the power dynamics at play in that social structure, sort of keep you locked into that certain role that you've served sort of your entire life. And so, um, and so I think I find it helpful for people to view themselves as much more malleable and you can sort of adopt. I don't want to make it sound like it's bipolar, where you're sort of adopting these different personalities, but it's almost adopting this alter ego of yourself that can do things that you think your true, quote unquote self can't do. So an example of this would be David Goggins, and he writes about this in his books where he when he goes into his beast mode, he becomes Goggins instead of David or David Goggins. He's now Goggins, and he views David Goggins, perhaps as someone who is this, you know, overweight and poor fellow who had a really tough upbringing. But Goggins is someone who's a fiend, who's who's aggressive, and he's getting after it, and nobody's standing in his way and he's taking souls. And he while he's in this role of Goggins, can do things that he thinks David Goggins can't do. Um, Lisa is another example. Um, co-founder of Quest Nutrition. Um, you know, she has said that she identifies with this, um, you know, character, this sort of like Wonder Woman character and finds that character as empowering to her and can do things that she can't do. And so, so it doesn't necessarily need to be a very drastic shift. Um, but you can think about yourself as having this other aspect, this sort of side pocket, which is able to do things that your quote unquote true self isn't able to do. And so maybe you, um, follow a certain podcaster or you follow a certain author or a certain musician or a certain workout, uh, fitness influencer. Um, and you really identify with things that they're saying messages that they're saying. You can sort of absorb those messages and kind of emulate them and almost mimic them up until a point where over time, you realize that if you do it for long enough, you realize that it's actually your spin on what you've learned from them, because everyone has their own interpretation of messages that they receive. Everyone can. Even if you try to do a cover song, you're going to have your own tone. You're going to have your own vocal range. You're going to have your own. Um, you know, riffs and runs and your ideas on things. And so yourself, your imprint, your fingerprints, they're always going to make it into the product. And so even if you're trying one hundred percent, even if a person tries one hundred percent to copy their own work, they'll never be an exact replica. So, um, over time, when you continue to do what you think is effectively kind of emulating them with this alter ego or this character, you'll look back and say, actually, it was really me all along. And maybe at some point you don't even need to lean on that alter ego or that character. And so it's just a tool that I actually find helpful, where sometimes I can think of myself with my kind of Jewish upbringing, where I was my name is Shmuel. Um, but I now go by Sam and so maybe Shmuel can't do certain things, but Sam is able to do those things. And even though it's me in both characters, there's a certain aspect of Sam that I can identify with and say, all right, he's able to sort of do things that maybe as my sort of given name, I wouldn't be able to do. And so that's just a tool that I find useful. Other people have written about this and have found it useful. And so you can give it a try. Um, you know, just start by envisioning yourself as multiple parts and knowing that there isn't this static you self that exists in the abstract, and rather it's kind of ideas and stories, really stories basically that you tell yourself about yourself. And one of those stories may be that there's this different part of you that can do things that you are not able to do. And then over time, you recognize that really it is you because there's no single you. It's a sort of amalgamation of all these different parts operating in a different time. So thank you. If you're still watching this, I really appreciate your support and, um, have a great day.