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For six years The Healthy Compulsive Project has been offering information, insight and inspiration for OCPD, obsessive-compulsive personality, perfectionism, micro-managers and Type A personality. Anyone who’s ever been known to overwork, overplan, overcontrol or overanalyze is welcome here, where the obsessive-compulsive personality is explored and harnessed to deliver what it was originally meant to deliver. Join psychotherapist, Jungian psychoanalyst and author Gary Trosclair as he delves into the pitfalls and potential of the driven personality with an informative, positive, and often playful approach to this sometimes-vexing character style.
Transcript
How to Get Along With a Partner With OCPD (Compulsive Personality)
June 20, 2018 Posted by Gary Trosclair 121 Comments
A partner with OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder), can be really difficult to live with. They usually aren’t aware how extreme their rigidity has become and are often convinced that they’re right all the time. Their perfectionistic, controlling and workaholic tendencies can leave you feeling criticized, run-down, and abandoned.
But with intention on their part and support from others, people with compulsive tendencies can change and become great partners—loyal, hard-working, dependable, and conscientious.
For those of you who want to try to work out their relationship, I’ll suggest seven steps to help you and your partner deal with the challenge. None of my suggestions are intended to blame or hold the partner responsible for the situation.
Before I go through these seven suggestions in more detail, here are two key ideas to keep in mind as you consider them:
Appeal to the part of your partner that really wants to do the right thing. That’s at the core of the compulsive personality, however skewed it might have become. Their rules were originally meant to protect people, but they’ve put the cart before the horse. Once they recognize that nurturing their relationship is also the “right thing” to do, they can channel their energy into the project. This appeals to those with compulsive personality, and can help them move to the healthier end of the spectrum.
Still, you’ll need to sort out what is and is not within your control. In very severe cases of OCPD there may be little you can do to help them change other than urge them to get professional help. And you should not tolerate abuse of any sort. But in all cases you’ll need to focus on what you can do to improve not only your relationship, but also your own life, rather than waiting for your partner to change. As we’ll see below, this can actually help your partner change.
(I am adding a note here almost 5 years after originally posting this. Crucial to understanding your partner and your situation is to understand what type of OCPD you are dealing with. They are not all the same: very different types of people can all meet the criteria for OCPD. In brief, these are leaders or bosses, workers or workaholics, servers or people-pleasers, and thinkers or obsessers. Some of them are harder to deal with, and some of them are more likely to change. Your compulsive partner may be very different from someone else’s compulsive partner. This is particularly important to be aware of if you decide to give advice to others. Please read my post about the different sorts of compulsives from May, 2020, here.)
Contents
1. Foster Communication With Your Partner with OCPD
2. See the Intentions Beneath the Surface
3. Appreciate the Good
4. Encourage Your Partner with OCPD to Get Help
5. Avoid the Division of Labor
6. Set Boundaries
7. Create Your Own Support System
1. Foster Communication With Your Partner with OCPD
Compulsives don’t always communicate well. They’re often too busy fixing the world to bother saying what they feel, and their behavior implies that they feel indifferent or critical. Worse, since they’ve spent much of their life “doing” rather than feeling, they may know very little about what they actually feel. None of this means they don’t care; it means that they’re consumed with getting things done—ironically, maybe even getting things done for you.
None of this justifies bad behavior, but don’t assume that they don’t care or that they can read your mind. If you do, it will just make matters worse. You can break this cycle by starting with curiosity: “Do you know how that makes me feel? Did you mean to make me feel bad?”
Strike while the iron is cold. If your partner is reactive or over-sensitive, it’s best not to try to have a discussion when they’re upset. Their rigidity and perfectionism probably get worse when they’re under pressure. Tell them you want to work it out with them when they feel calmer. Find a time when they’re less upset to engage. There will never be a perfect time, but if they’re overwhelmed with fear or anger, they may not be able to communicate well. If you can ask them about their intentions when they’re calm, you might be able to enter into a constructive dialogue.
2. See the Intentions Beneath the Surface
Extreme compulsiveness is the way some people who are naturally driven try to cope with their anxiety. When they’re upset their energy and good intentions get hijacked by their fear that they won’t meet expectations and that they will feel shame. Even when they look like they have it all together, underneath they’re probably feeling very vulnerable. It may be hard to imagine how disturbing this is for them. If you can keep this in mind, rather than taking their behavior personally, it will be easier to break the cycle and to find creative solutions to your disagreements.
3. Appreciate the Good
Perspective determines the quality of all relationships to some extent. You can choose whether to focus on your partner’s shortcomings or their strengths. If you can remember the good things they bring to the table, it will help you immensely.
It will also be helpful–to both of you–to tell your partner you appreciate it when they do something that feels good to you. If they do let go of control, spend time with you, say something nice, or slow down and listen, tell them that you noticed it and that you value it. That makes it more likely to happen again.
I find it helpful to understand people with OCPD as “driven,” which is far less pathologizing and can help them be more receptive to feedback.
4. Encourage Your Partner with OCPD to Get Help
People who meet the full criteria for OCPD usually don’t think that they have a problem and resist getting help. It can be hard to get them to go to counselling or therapy, but here are some suggestions for framing it in a way that may appeal to them.
• Explain that the reason for them to get help is not a matter of their under-functioning, but of their habitual over-functioning. This is not a matter of weakness, but of excessive strength. They need a professional to interrupt that pattern.
• Convey that you know they want to do the right thing.
• Recommend other articles on this blog to help them see their strengths and challenges so they might feel less criticized and more open to change.
• Help them understand the impact they have on others.
• Point out the impact their lifestyle has on their own physical and mental well-being. They may be oblivious to how they’re treating themselves, and that they could be healthier and happier than they are.
• Point out how their control actually gets in the way of their goals.
And now let’s focus more on you.
5. Avoid the Division of Labor
Be wary of the division of labor in which one person is serious and demanding while the other is easy going and accepting. One brings responsibility, self-restraint and reason, the other brings joy, emotion and spontaneity. If you expect your partner to do all the organizing, providing, and limit-setting, don’t be surprised if they get very grumpy.
Imagine a spectrum from extreme compulsivity to extreme casualness. Imagine that the further one person in a couple goes toward either end, the other person automatically moves toward the opposite end. Now imagine that one person moves toward the center. The other will usually also move toward the center.
It’s also not fair to you to be cast into a limited role; your own psychological well-being is compromised if you’re supposed to stay in the less driven end of the spectrum. Are they living out your ambition for you? Is it possible that you feel uncomfortable with your own strength and anger and you have them express it for you? Or, on the other hand, are you expressing all the anger for them?
You might find it rewarding to allow yourself some ambition and pursue your own accomplishments. And you might find it empowering to own your own anger in a constructive way. If you can resist the division of labor, it may help the compulsive to move more toward the center of the spectrum.
Another danger is that you could take a victim role in response to their hostility, control, or over-working. Ask yourself honestly if there is anything you get out of the situation. A badge of courage? Has it been safer or more comfortable to have someone else making all the plans and decisions and taking all the risk? It may have allowed you to avoid responsibility that you’d rather not have to deal with. Also, for some people, tolerating egregious or hostile behavior may feel like a virtue, when it doesn’t really help either of you.
Still, it will be important for you to value what you bring to the relationship: don’t forget the good things you do offer that are very different from what they offer. Their demeanor may lead you to underestimate what you mean to them.
6. Set Boundaries
But even after communicating, understanding and appreciating, it will still be important to set boundaries. If your partner has been diagnosed with OCPD, that should not be used as an excuse for offensive or oppressive behavior. If they want to be perfectionistic, workaholic or controlling that’s their choice, but they should not impose their standards on you. Seek compromise that takes into account what’s hard for both of you. Try not to give in to unrealistic demands.
Don’t let their condition become the focus of your life. It could become a distraction from your own challenges and happiness. If you find yourself talking and thinking about them all the time, set an intention to focus on what is within your control: change either the situation or your attitude toward it.
7. Create Your Own Support System
Having friends, a therapist, or a support group is particularly important if the compulsive person in your life is demanding. A support network can help you to keep track of what’s reasonable. Ask your friends for true reality checks. Getting validation for your feelings is completely appropriate. But if you simply want them to validate how you see things, your appraisal of the situation, it may not help change things much. Asking trusted friends for honest feedback about what your partner can reasonably expect of you can help keep you grounded.
* * *
Being close to someone who is compulsive has its challenges and rewards. Appealing to their deeper, positive inclinations, and keeping the focus on what is within your control, may help you enjoy more of the rewards.
________________
Perfectionist Partners and Moral Gaslighting
May 26, 2020 Posted by Gary Trosclair
Gaslighting. It’s become a popular term to describe what happens when one person tries to manipulate another person into believing they’re insane.
A different version of gaslighting can happen when one person in a couple is a compulsive or perfectionist partner. The perfectionist may unintentionally make their partner question not their sanity, but their decency, virtue and strength.
I call it moral gaslighting.
Notice that the effect is to make the partner feel like they’re a bad person. That’s not necessarily the intent. Perfectionists and compulsives are often so determined to get things done, and get them done faultlessly, that they become oblivious to their impact on other people.
In fact, one reason why this form of gaslighting is more difficult to spot is that it may actually be intended to help, not to undermine, their partner.
But, as we all know, good intentions don’t ensure good actions. Some say they pave the way to hell.
I’m writing this for the benefit of both perfectionists and their partners–not to blame either one. Hopefully it will help perfectionists “perfect” their attempts to make the world a better place by being more sensitive to others as they do it. And hopefully it will help partners get the respect they understandably want from their perfectionist partners.
Contents
The Original Gaslighting
Perfectionist Partners and Moral Gaslighting
Compulsive Perfectionists
Communication and Interpretation
Comparing and Differences
Motivations: Goodwill, Security and Projections
Externalizers & Internalizers: Hold the Projections, Please
Ending Moral Gaslighting
The Original Gaslighting
The concept of gaslighting evolved from the 1938 play by British playwright Patrick Hamilton titled Gas Light. (It was followed by the movie Gaslight in 1944.) In it, among many other deceptive ploys, the husband would turn the gas lights up and down, but deny that the light was changing. His wife ended up thinking she was going crazy. He destroyed her trust in her ability to see herself clearly.
In the play the gaslighter was a sadistic sociopath. With perfectionists the motivation is different, though the result may feel similar.
Perfectionist Partners and Moral Gaslighting
The perfectionist partner may lead their non-perfectionist partner to feel that they are lazy, weak or depraved if they don’t sign on to the rules and standards that the perfectionist sets up. While it may even be done in a gentle, fatherly or motherly way, the result is that the partner ends up thinking that they are a terrible partner, parent or person.
It can be more insidious because the perfectionist partner appears to have the higher ground, and they are genuine in their efforts to make the other person a better person, even if their method is way off base. This can make it more difficult to identify the gaslighting and find a way out of it.
Change is often good, and being open to a different way of seeing things can help us to grow. But when a partner’s questioning goes too far, it may come under the heading of moral gaslighting.
Compulsive Perfectionists
Perfectionists can be healthy, productive and helpful. But when they don’t simply want to meet high standards, but need to meet them, they can become unhealthy, rigid, demanding, controlling, and workaholic.
They may guilt the partner into feeling that they’ve let the perfectionist down. The perfectionist may feel insecure about whether they can meet the standards they’ve set, and need the other person to be perfect in their support so that the perfectionist can deliver what they feel they’re supposed to deliver.
Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards and expect others to meet them. The really difficult thing in this situation, in contrast to the original movie and play, is that the perfectionist feels a real responsibility to try to make themselves and everything around them do just the right thing.
Those at the unhealthy end may be unaware of their underlying anxiety. They can be totally convinced that they’re correct, and completely unaware of their impact on others as they try to set the world straight.
In the worst cases, they may convey disgust for the non-perfectionist partner.
As I’ve described in previous series of posts, a perfectionist may think that they’re rescuing someone, but end up persecuting them. It’s important for the partner not to fall into a victim role.
Communication and Interpretation
My point is not for the partner of the perfectionist to write off everything the perfectionist says as gaslighting.
It is possible that a perfectionist may have some good insight as to what their partner might do differently to make themselves happier or more fulfilled. As I described in a recent post, one type or dimension of the compulsive personality functions as a leader or teacher, and this can be healthy.
Assuming this is the case, if the partner conveys it well, by describing what the partner can do differently, rather than by making generalizations about their character, they may actually be helpful.
Both how the perfectionistic partner communicates, and how their partner receives it, will determine whether the suggestion is constructive, or whether it leads to dejection on the part of the partner.
If the perfectionist decides to make a suggestion, it should be about a specific behavior, and not about the partner’s character.
And the partner should distinguish between comments that actually say that they are a bad person, and those that simply say that they could do something better.
Comparing and Differences
It’s not all bad to be conscientious, productive and driven. But some partners may begin to compare themselves to the perfectionist and begin to question whether there is something wrong with them because they’re not so driven.
If, on top of that, the partner keeps hearing that they are lazy, sloppy or bad enough times, they may become vulnerable to believing it. They lose their bearings and are no longer sure that they are working hard enough at being a good partner, parent, or person.
If your partner is a workaholic, compared to them you might not be as productive. But that doesn’t mean you’re lazy. Thank goodness not everyone is compulsive. In fact, they probably like having a partner that’s more relaxed–even if they don’t acknowledge it.
Motivations: Goodwill, Security and Projections
Perfectionists and compulsives often genuinely want to make their world a better place. Even when they get controlling and rigid their motives are usually pro-social. If they feel insecure in some way, they will become even more controlling and rigid, and their partner just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So, perfectionists are often motivated by a mixture of anxiety and goodwill—however skewed that goodwill may become.
But there is another motivation that’s more problematic. The perfectionist may project their own fears about their own laziness, sloppiness, or indulgence onto their partner, trying to control themselves through their partner. Projection occurs when we can’t tolerate an aspect of ourselves and we unconsciously see that aspect in the other person instead.
Just as an example, if the perfectionistic partner has been perfectionistic most of their life to cope with an insecure early environment, they may fear that their own sloppiness will get out of control and that they will be in jeopardy. This sloppiness feels so dangerous that they have to deny that they have the potential for it, and instead imagine that it’s the other person who’s sloppy.
Perfectionists struggle to accept their imperfections, and in the process may attribute them to others.
Carl Jung would say that they are projecting their shadow, their unlived or unacknowledged parts of themselves, onto the other person.
Externalizers & Internalizers: Hold the Projections, Please
In some couples, one partner’s tendency is to externalize, project and blame the other person. If the other person’s tendency is to internalize, to take everything in and accept too much blame and responsibility, this is a prescription for moral gaslighting.
Neither partner is “right.” They fit like a hand in a glove, unfortunately. Neither partner is able to grow this way.
Ending Moral Gaslighting
Here are some tools to help dissolve moral gaslighting:
For the perfectionist:
Even if your intent is good, you may leave your partner feeling horrible. In your effort to improve the world you may lose track of the people you meant to benefit from the improvements.
Ask your partner how you come across to them. It may be much different from what you imagine.
If you feel clear that you want to help your partner, rather than project your own potential for “imperfections,” communicate about specific things they do or don’t do–not about their character.
Tell them what’s good about them.
Come to terms with your own “imperfections.” People are loved not for being perfect, but for being authentic, accepting, empathic and connected.
For the partner:
Let your perfectionistic partner know how you’re feeling as a result of what they’ve said. Ask if they intended to make you feel bad about yourself.
Clarify for yourself whether they’re actually making statements about who you are as a person– your moral character–or just particular things that you do.
Don’t assume that their motivation is to bring you down.
Ask friends and relatives for a moral reality check.
Honor differences and set boundaries. You partner can be perfectionistic and workaholic, but that doesn’t mean you have to be as well. Don’t fall into victim mentality.
